Christian Site: Giant Sunspot Warns Us That One Horseman Of The Apocalypse Is Mounting Up [VIDEO]

Just the one? Charisma News, your full-service site for anti-witch tutorials, warns that Jesus might be coming back any day now because sunspots. They write:

NASA says there is a massive sunspot on the surface of our sun that’s larger than planet Earth. The 75,000-mile-wide spot could rapidly turn into a solar flare and disrupt communications across the globe.

The team at Revelation in the News says this could be indicative of Christ’s return. The fallout could result in one of the horsemen of the apocalypse getting to ride. They point to Revelation 6:8 as proof:

So I looked, and there was a pale horse, and the name of him who sat on it was Death, and Hades followed him. Power over a fourth of the earth was given to them, to kill with sword, with hunger, with death, and by the beasts of the earth.

  • Christopher
  • clay

    Uh, sunspots aren’t pale, they’re (relatively) dark.

    ALSO this disproves their whole “earth’s warming because we’re approaching a solar maximum” bullshit.

    • Natty Enquirer

      An obvious mistranslation of the Greek, which can also mean “sunspot.”

      • clay

        yeah, uh huh.

        • Natty Enquirer

          Okay, you got me. I was just being koine.

          • Michael White

            face palm and laughing

          • Joseph Miceli

            LOL, I’m proud to be one of the three people …including you…that got that! πŸ™‚

  • MUELLER KNOWS

    Many are saying Trump is one of the Four Horsemen

    • Chris in Sacramento

      All the best people are saying that.

    • JT

      More like whoresmen.

      • MUELLER KNOWS

        Zing!

    • Bad Tom

      ‘Cept this Horseman rides in a golf cart.

      • Christopher

        Close. It’s actually a Hover-Round, and we’ve been in the middle of the Apocalypse for years now.

      • MUELLER KNOWS

        Heh. Although I’ve never seem him on one, I’d pay to see him cruising on a Rascal scooter too.

    • BearEyes

      at least the south end

      • MUELLER KNOWS

        At the risk of being rude, some do refer to him as the “orange anus”.

        • RoFaWh

          Recte “the orange asshole.”

          We’ll have none of your elitist prudery, sir!

  • another_steve

    If Jesus returns…hmm…within the next 48 hours, he’ll have to forgive the water stains on my cocktail table. We had a friend over for drinks last night after dinner and he got sloppy with the booze. Water circles, now, all over the exotic wood veneer.

    I love Jesus but hate our friend who did the above.

    • Stephen Elliot Phillips

      Linseed oil and 0000 superfine steel wool. Rub with the grain.

      • another_steve

        Many thanks. πŸ˜‰

        • Stephen Elliot Phillips

          Dont rub hard! Well the furniture i mean

    • NZArtist

      Dewd… it’s just wood. It’s a thing. Friends are more important than things. You live in a universe of entropy. All your things are going to get broken anyway. Embrace the chaos and spend more time loving your friends and less time loving your things.

  • Hanwi

    There is this thing called the solar cycle, if you believed in science you would know that, and where the sun goes at night.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c5217b211d4b71a141c138b5af2625e681ca17d7869f057d32dc3b8e3f8e981c.jpg

    • Christopher

      There you go sciencing again.

      • another_steve

        Right? What’s next? Where will it stop?

        Will there be talk of that thing they call “evolution”?

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    • crewman

      They must have loved the documentary, 2012.
      http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1190080/

      • Hanwi

        That’s a real fucking shame, I never knew that existed, I may never be able to enjoy Better off Dead or Grosse Pointe Blank again….. πŸ™

        • Christopher

          LOL

          Still one of my favourite scenes…

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWkT0g3FrOk

          • Hanwi

            Charles De Mar aka Booger, a staple of 80’s geek humor πŸ˜€

        • Nic Peterson

          Nothing could ruin Better off Dead.

        • Professor Barnhardt

          I bought the DVD of Better Off Dead at a yard sale on Saturday. I’ll put it on the docket.

    • Oh, Parker

      When I worked at a TV station we had sunspot activity we had to compensate for all the time. I guess when you think that everything is only 6,000 years old a sunspot event like this might seem remarkable.

      Fucking useless nut jobs.

    • margaretpoa

      Wonder how many horsemen were riding during the Maunder Minimum?

    • Xiao Ai: The Social Gadfly

      400 years is too small a sample. Only 5,000 will do.

    • Droz
  • Natty Enquirer

    What bloodthirsty religion. They can barely contain their glee at the thought of all the people who called them out on their fantasies reaping a torturous comeuppance.

    • Joseph Miceli

      “Jesus loves you Vivian, that’s why the Lord sent demon worms to eat you alive! Believe in his mercy!”
      MMmm Hmmm. Riiiight. That’s going to happen.

  • Dan M

    I wish this rapture thing would hurry up. I’m getting tired of these people.

    • Phil2u

      The Rapture = Thank God they’re gone!

      • Captain Jack

        Yes, between rapture and global warming… Florida should be almost empty..

    • another_steve

      Looking forward to all the extra parking spaces at the mall.

      • RoFaWh

        But there will no longer be a peopleofwalmart.com, alas.

        • another_steve

          The “People of Walmart” thing – the anti-Walmart meme in general – is full of shit.

          Around here, the Walmarts get a lot of retired folks for whom saving a few bucks every time they go shopping makes a big difference. I see a lot of young mothers, babies in tow, just trying to fill their cupboards with reasonably priced items.

          Staff at our Walmarts are always helpful and cheery. Contrary to the far-leftist meme, they don’t present as slaves or indentured servants. They’re there because they choose to be there.

          Far-leftists playing with their $500 smartphones and drinking their designer ales at their local custom breweries apparently find some conscience-relief in constantly bad-mouthing Walmart and the people who shop there.

          (Sorry about the rant…)

    • Joseph Miceli
  • leastyebejudged

    LOL, JESUS

  • BobSF_94117

    Hold on. The four Horsemen get power over a quarter of the earth or a quarter of the earth each?

    How is one to make plans with such sloppy warnings?!?!?!?

  • Boreal
  • clay

    AS IF their listeners would ever be on a plane!

    • Christopher

      LOL

      You really think they could spell the word plane?

  • Jefe5084

    They just get more idiotic.

  • safari

    Wait until the eclipse.

  • Paula

    I check the sunspot activity everyday.
    http://www.spaceweather.com/
    They are not reporting anything bad. That sunspot is turning away from Earth.
    Fucking x-tains. Sciense iz skeery!

    • safari

      The solar minimum has been quite disappointing.

  • Stephen Elliot Phillips

    Its true! I sent a nice long letter to kellyann this morning and after i flushed, the skid marks in the toilet bowl were in the exact form of jesus’ face.
    I told my husband and he said it was a sign of my rear end times!

  • Tiger Quinn

    Humans are just fucking astonishing. What this world could be. What they would turn it into if they could. That none of this means a thing, cosmically speaking. Being a pagan is rough.

    • Stephen Elliot Phillips

      Im totally for AI taking over and making humanity extinct

  • KarenAtFOH
    • ByronK

      I think there’s a good cream that could take care of that.

      • Christopher

        Proactiv can only do so much.

  • JT

    It’s the largest sunspot in 24 years. So that means what? That Horseman is very slow to mount since the bigger one? Or, maybe he was mounting the horse for 24 years and just having a good time, while the horse had to put up with it?

    • Stephen Elliot Phillips

      The horsemen are using solar power instead of coal!!
      Libtard horsemen

    • Robincho

      “My little horse must think it queer
      To see me mount him from the rear…”

      — Robert Frost; The Dirt Road Taken

  • Pip
  • dcurlee

    Soon as I saw it’s 28 min I saved that much of my life from that drivel

  • BJORN RAGNVALDR
    • Christopher

      That man would be so sore the next day! But he’d have a smile on his face. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3612ebd43802894f463c67d58421e1a29e3f824a7a3b09d9668d6c1cd8e299ff.png

    • Stephen Elliot Phillips

      Woah ther partner. That butt curve yer showin is a might temptin to this ole grissled rancher

      • prixator

        The pants are already, helpfully, unbuckled! Like an invitation.

    • Treant

      It must be hellishly hard to go through life being so fucking ugly.

      • dustin fibers

        Trust me, it is. Quick, some one post the rim shot pony(I love that phrase)

    • BearEyes

      giddy up!

    • shellback

      I had a body like that once – but I’ll be damned if I can recall his name.

      • Todd20036

        I had a body like that once too, but it started to stink and the neighbors were asking awkward questions, so I had to get rid of it….

        I mean, I have an alibi.

  • HZ81

    Blinky, Inky, Clyde or Pinky.

    Like Dan Akroyd in Ghostbusters, my horseman will take the form of one of my childhood lovesβ€”PacMan ghosts!!

    • Christopher

      Y’all better get ready for a 50 ft. Robin The Boy Wonder from Superfriends.

      Oh, childhood LOVES. Not lusts. My bad!

      (I was a weird kid. And an even weirder adult, apparently.)

  • clay

    So, is it worth commenting on their use of black face mole mics for the “ethnic” talking heads?

    • KarenAtFOH

      I have seen them in a brown color, but the better question is, why didn’t they just use standard lav mics clipped to their clothing? Headset mics are really only needed in live sound to an audience, to keep the feedback down.

      • m_lp_ql_m

        That set, while impressive, is actually outside in a Walmart parking lot in Decatur GA.

  • Pat

    You’re killing me today, Joe! Did they all emerge from their Y2K bunkers at once, like a cross wearing cicada swarm?

    • Christopher

      I’m starting to think that the show Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is a documentary sent to us from the future.

  • Christopher

    You know how I know that the Rapture is bullshit?

    I’ve been praying for it to rid us of these useless idiots.

  • IAMBOWLINGGREEN
  • Sam_Handwich

    holy shit. this is scary

    i’ll be hiding in my Armageddon breadbox awaiting further instructions.

    http://images.dunelm-mill.com/i/dm/1000031540_main.jpg?$deskpdpmain$&img404=noimagedefault

    • Christopher

      Don’t forget your olive’s foil hat!

    • JJ Bosetti

      …and duct tape, plastic wrap, and a copy of the OT

  • Treant

    Sanity Correction: While large, this sunspot is by no means record-setting or particularly enormous. The current forecast is a 25% chance of an M-class flare. That might cause some communications disturbance and northern/southern lights.

    This spot is not expected to be able to produce X-class flares, the highest classification.

    AR2665 is already turning away from Earth and doesn’t pose much threat any longer–any flare would most likely miss us completely. It isn’t expected to still be visible when it would come around again in two weeks.

    http://www.spaceweather.com/

    • Mikey

      Sue me, I love this movie. And besides, it’s one of the few disaster movies that actually ends with the complete destruction of the world (spoiler alert).

      Sadly, this clip ends just before the final scene, which is a lovely “alien” version of the garden of Eden.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDdc0-JD8Dk

      • Jwmvh

        I love end of the world movies. I can’t seem to find this. Is the name ‘At Earth’s End?’

      • Jwmvh

        Knowing is the movie. D’uh. It’s early. Thanks.

        • Mikey

          oh sorry, I shouldn’t assume everyone immediately recognizes films from just a clip. Yes, “Knowing” is the title. This movie is probably the only film I can bear to watch Nicholas Cage in. It also has some of the most fantastic “disaster” scenes. It’s a bit of a mix of disaster movie with sci-fi with some quasi-religious allegory (which I think is a bit of a dig at religious myth… the director, Alex Proyas, replaces religious concepts with sci-fi ones).

  • -M-

    A lot of things on the sun are bigger than the Earth. The sun is very very big. Jupiter’s nowhere near as big as the sun yet it’s Great Red Spot is still two Earth diameters long after more than a century of shrinking. Perspective.

    • Michael

      Almost 3 diameters πŸ˜‰

      • Christopher

        Lemme know when it starts to crown.

  • ByronK

    Well that’s just silly. Bunch of wackos! The horseman’s name is Marvin.

  • teedofftaxpayer

    If one horseman of Apocalypse is in the sun spot then his ass is going to be on fire.

  • Christopher

    OT:

    I’ll have what Joe’s having. It’s gotta be some real good shit to wade through this amount of cray cray every single day.

    • another_steve

      I do fear for his cat, though.

      All that pent-up anger and frustration after a day of wading through all the nightmares.

      • M Jackson

        Oh that’s what the cat is for.

  • bambinoitaliano

    Guys, don’t be too harsh on them. They saw Ann Coulter flew over in Delta Air and mistaken as one of the horseman.

    • Phil2u

      LOL I think she’s the Whore of Babylon.

      • MonochromeMouse

        That’s the one that has sex with a dragon right? I know someone gets fucked by a dragon in revelation.

        • Phil2u

          I think so, and gives birth to the antichrist. I’m not going to bother to look it up though.

    • Christopher

      She’s the white horse. I pity anyone who has to ride her.

      • ByronK

        When the in-flight staff are passing out snacks, they just throw a sugar cube at her.

        • Christopher

          LMAO

          You owe me a keyboard!

        • Lee Grupsmith-Pedersen

          Make that two keyboards…

    • Mikey

      more likely one of the horses themselves.

      • M Jackson

        Or the alien lizard out on the wing of the plane.

  • JT

    I’m ready to mount!
    http://i47.tinypic.com/15cmrux.jpg

    • another_steve

      There’s more muscle in his left pec than there is in my entire body.

    • Lumpy Gaga

      “No fats, no fems” — the horse.

  • For some reason, the right wing lunatics are obsessed with an EMP attack….

    • clay

      “America has never existed without communication technology.”

      • KarenAtFOH

        “One if by land, 2 if by sea!”

        • clay

          “Just think what would have happened to Paul Revere if an EMP had wiped out those bells!”

          Sister Sarah Palin

  • Michael R

    It looks Like Trump ( and Kris Kobach ) got some of the effect they desired
    This is happening in other states too .

    Nearly 4,000 Colorado voters have canceled their voter registrations after the Trump administration’s embattled Election Integrity Commission requested personal voter information from the state.

    http://www.rawstory.com/2017/07/thousands-of-coloradans-cancel-voter-registrations/

  • JWC

    that is absolutely NONE of their business

  • Ronald Reagan is Dead!
    • Lumpy Gaga

      Their ratings just keep going up and up.

  • Lee Grupsmith-Pedersen

    Wait–isn’t the onset of the Apocalypse supposed to be a good thing? I mean, they get to be with god and all–once they get past all that death and destruction and shit.

  • SoCalGal20
    • clay

      Rumor in Kansas (!) is that Moran is a “no”, and not just because of Medicaid, but also the squirreliness of the senior leadership.

      At the off-camera briefing, Spicer claimed that Trump was working very hard on this, calling a lot of Senators, but he also said Trump was doing the same (negligent) thing he did last time (which failed).

  • theonlyseven

    Jesus is coming back? Yeah, we’ve heard that before.
    http://traditionalism1920s.weebly.com/uploads/1/1/3/7/11371127/6895059_orig.jpg

    • Lumpy Gaga

      Jesus is back… and thought we’d have jetpacks by now.

      • William

        Where is my flying car?

        • M Jackson

          Didn’t you hear? We’re regressing back to coal-driven cars.

        • grada3784

          George Jetson bought the last one.

  • Pat Padrnos

    Well – that did not make a bit of sense – but who is keeping track with these folks?

  • KnownDonorDad

    They think the universe is 6,000 years old; astronomy is not their strong suit.

  • Harveyrabbit

    “One Horseman Of The Apocalypse Is Mounting Up”

    Hmm, could be. They should Google “horny cowboy” to find out more of the details.

  • 2patricius2

    They should be happy about that. That means the horseman is getting ready to bring Jesus to earth to rapture them all to the heavens with him. And if they are fortunate, they will get to ride dinosaurs, like Jesus did when he was a little boy. That will also be good news for the rest of us. Cause all these meddling christianists will be out of our hair, finally.

  • Tomcat

    We already saw the PALE HORSE, it turned out to be Pat Robertson.

  • Tomcat

    Please jesus call these assholes to your place as soon as possible.

  • Lumpy Gaga

    Not to nitpick, but shouldn’t the segment be called “Revelations in the News”?

    • Tomcat

      I think it should be called (beware of false prophesies).
      Brought to you by hypocrites.

  • Tomcat

    Now ask NASA, has this happened before? Why yes it happens all the time.
    But we like to fuck with the halfwit christians.

  • Gregory In Seattle

    Seriously, these nutters could get cold coffee and they would say — with just as much conviction — that it was proof that Jesus was returning real soon.

    YOU’VE BEEN STOOD UP. Admit it. After 2000 years, he ain’t coming back.

    • Natty Enquirer
    • canoebum

      Actually, he came back already, but he showed up as a Native American Shaman, and your missionaries give him a smallpox infected blanket and banished him from his ancestral home, along with all his family and friends.

      • Gregory In Seattle

        Personally, I subscribe to the eschatology that Revelations was a first-hand account, not prophecy, and that the Second Coming already occurred as promised, on time and under budget. The world as we know it is what was left behind.

        Which certainly would explain more than a few things.

  • Tomcat

    Great,,, now the loonies will be out on our roads with the signs claiming jesus is coming, get prepared. Actually more like jesus is cumming grab a towel.

  • Tomcat

    The guy you called jesus was just another con man. That is all you fools will follow.

  • Dazzer

    It’s so weird.

    You listen to these people and you start reaching a level in which the Harry Potter universe represents a more scientific, rational and loving belief system than anything they find in their Bible.

    It’s very odd that these people exist.

    • canoebum

      “She turned me into a newt!” -Monty Python

      • Leo Tallant

        I got better……

        • coram nobis

          Ex-Leper: Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you!
          Brian: Who cured you?
          Ex-Leper: Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I’m a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood’s gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! “You’re cured, mate.” Bloody do-gooder.

  • Nax

    Yep. Jesus is coming back real soon. So, now you don’t have to bother about repealing Obamacare.

  • shellback

    When nothing happens, what do they say?

  • M Jackson

    I’m sure there are numerous mentions of sunspots in the Bible but that ain’t one of them.

    • madknits

      There aren’t. You need a telescope to see sunspots, so they weren’t known until Galileo’s time. And even he got in trouble for saying there were sun spots, since God’s creation was supposed to be perfect, not all spotty like rotten fruit.

      • M Jackson

        Of course, the scriptures are just about the worst document ever for science and nature (talking snake, Lot’s wife, the flood, angels singing over shepherds on a hillside).
        I love ‘all spotty like rotten fruit’.

  • Ken M

    Pride month is over…they’re just desperate. News they can use : ) is FAKE.

  • bkmn

    Tax the churches and end the deficit forever.

  • Slippy_World

    Rapture Ready Index update :

    Rapture Index: 184

    Change from last update: +2

    Updated: Jul 17, 2017

    Make sure you’re rapture ready ….

    http://www.raptureready.com/

  • coram nobis

    There’s a massive orange pustule on the face of the U.S. and no one sees a tribulation in that?

    • Tomcat

      I do!

    • M Jackson

      You can see it from the sun.

  • djcoastermark

    Okay xstains, (pardon me for a bit) but the sun is just showing off it’s giant rosebud.

  • andrew

    It is hard for me to understand how seemingly sane people in 2017 can have their minds so trapped in ancient mythology.

    • Skeptical_Inquirer

      Brainwashing from childhood, exposure to lead and an anti-intelligence streak in the US where it prizes stadiums over science.

  • MoonlightUnkindledOne

    Wouldn’t that horseman be Trump? I mean, he’s the shittiest option for a horseman, but still, it’d make sense, considering the mindset of the Abrahamic god, if such a being exists.

  • Henry Auvil

    I hope the Rapture comes soon so all these idiots can disappear and I can live out my sunset years among the enlightened people who chose to stay behind.

  • JCF
  • Karl Dubhe

    To kill with death? Ummm, you’d think an omniscient being would have done a better job of composing the language…

    Maybe he didn’t know any better.

  • Jess Platero-Hardesty

    Just the one dear? https://youtu.be/8JT1LDByklQ

    • madknits

      It’s the end of the world and I haven’t a thing to wear!

  • Skeptical_Inquirer

    They need to stop trying to “science” things they don’t understand.

    • -M-

      That would be everything. I endorse this plan.

  • JWC

    Tad strange Religion using science???

  • Sunspots are OFTEN as big as the Earth, or bigger. I hate when people sensationalize such things. If there was a sunspot as big as JUPITER, then I would be interested.

  • Duck

    Why would the Christian bible refer to a Pagan deity (Hades) in its predictions for the end of the world?

  • Jean-Marc in Canada

    Oh look, village idiots being idiots…how quaint. Moving on……

  • netxtown

    …all your followers are blind
    too much heaven on their minds….

  • Ogre Magi

    christians are so stupid

  • Richard B

    The nation would be better off if religion was suppressed.
    We could start by walling off religion from government and taxing all church income at the same rate as we tax individuals and limit their deductions.
    Then squash all these Religious Freedom Bills to minimize their abilities to discriminate against anyone they dislike..
    Anyone else feel this way?

  • I.Smith

    Dont worry everyone, Wonder Woman will stop Hades again.

  • Schlukitz

    Krazy Kristians have been making these inane predictions for over two thousand years now.

    Not one of them has ever come true.

    Do they really enjoy making themselves look like the total asses that they are?

  • orion dumptee

    full service site for anti witch tutorials? oh ha ha ha ha perfect!!! jus what i need to start my day ha ha ha

  • madknits

    To kill with death. Well, yeah, that’s generally how it works, innit? Killing people with life is just soooo unproductive. Best to kill them with death.

  • Josh Shapiro

    I know my IQ points drastically decreased after watching this trite.

  • DuaneBidoux

    This is probably the thousandth time Christians have declared a fourth horseman in the last 2000 years.

    If there really is a fourth horseman anywhere in the world right now he’s sitting in the White House.

  • RJ Bone

    Wow, that isn’t even reaching. That’s making up shit from made up shit about made up shit.

  • Tom Chicago

    Could this explain the tendency among certain American cultures to embrace “alternative facts” to support an “alternative reality”? Maybe the real reality is just too complicated