Tag Archives: Vatican

A new biography of Pope John Paul II reveals that he used to get into some serious self-whipping. Kinky! In the book, Oder wrote that John Paul frequently denied himself food — especially during the holy season of Lent — and “frequently spent the night on the bare floor,” messing up his bed in the morning so he wouldn’t draw …

Pope Benedict Palpatine has issued another insulting attack on gays, saying that homosexual marriage endangers all of humanity. Oh noes! Pope Benedict XVI on Monday called laws ignoring the difference between the sexes an “attack” on creation just days after Portugal moved to legalise gay marriage. Creatures, including humans, “can be protected or endangered”, the pope, 82, told the Vatican …

Pope Palpatine says he forgives the woman that attacked him on Christmas Eve. Appearing for his Christmas “Urbi et Orbi” blessing to tens of thousands of congregants in St. Peter’s Square, the Pope made an appeal to “abandon all logic of violence and revenge” and lead with “generosity” on “the path of peaceful coexistence.” The plea came less than a …

Jewish groups are furious over Pope Palpatine’s announcement that he is submitting Pope Pius XII, infamously known as “Hitler’s Pope,” for beatification. Jewish leaders from around the world expressed their outrage today after the Pope opened the way for his controversial wartime predecessor to be made a saint, with some calling the possible beatification of Pius XII as “inopportune and …

Limerick Bishop Donal Murray has resigned in the wake of Ireland’s child molestation scandal. Last month the Irish public was shocked by the revelation that the Catholic Church had covered-up the abuse and molestation of thousands of students at its orphanages and private schools. Murray met with Pope Palpatine all this week and today the Vatican issued a brief email …

An Italian newsweekly is reporting that the Vatican Bank is being investigated for a $300M money laundering scheme involving one of Italy’s largest banks. Panorama reports that officials from the Bank of Italy’s Financial Intelligence Unit (UIF) have identified transactions worth up to €180 million (£160 million) that allegedly violated anti-money-laundering regulations in accounts held at a UniCredit branch in …

“Transsexuals and homosexuals will never enter the kingdom of heaven and it is not me who says this, but Saint Paul. People are not born homosexual, they become homosexual, for different reasons: education issues or because they did not develop their own identity during adolescence. It may not be their fault, but acting against nature and the dignity of the …

Last month Pope Palpatine invited the world’s Anglican priests to join the Catholic Church if they disagreed with new gay-friendly Anglican policies. This weekend the first avalanche of thousands of defecting priests was announced. Over 4,000 Anglican priests all over the world, including married ones, are expected to join the Catholic Church, Bishop Matthias Ssekamanya announced on Friday. Ssekamanya, who …

“I consider if someone is homosexual, it is a provocation and an abuse of this place. Try to go to a mosque if you are not Muslim. It is abuse of our buildings and our religion because the church interprets our religion that it is not ethical. We expect respect of our church as we expect to respect that a …

The Vatican has issued a statement saying that other religions are worse when it comes to pedophile holy men, and HEY, at least our guys don’t like ’em super young! In a defiant and provocative statement, issued following a meeting of the UN human rights council in Geneva, the Holy See said the majority of Catholic clergy who committed such …

OK, this one gets the WTF of the week. The Vatican has praised the work of bisexual playwright Oscar Wilde, despite previously regarding him as an immoral degenerate. The newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, which is seen as the official mouthpiece of Pope Benedict XVI, described him as “always looking for the beautiful and the good, but also for a God”. The …

The International Women’s Health Coalition reports that “I Said No!” pope condoms are all the rage in France. The condoms were produced in response to Ill Papa’s recent demented declaration that condom availability actually speeds the spread of AIDS. On Monday, Belgium became the first nation to lodge a formal protest over the comments with the Vatican.

Lady Benedicia de Prada was busy hot-gluing precious gems to her Miss Hitler Youth 1944 pageant crown, so a Vatican spokeszombie stepped in defend her recent statement that mankind must defend against dirty trannies (AKA: the competition) as vigorously as against rainforest erosion. During an interview on this morning on Radio 4’s Today programme, Cardinal Murphy-O’Connor said that the pope …

In a landmark but nonbinding resolution, today the United Nations will call for the global decriminalization of homosexuality. Eighty-six countries in the world still criminalize gay sex with punishments from years of imprisonment to death. France will bring the resolution to the General Assembly with the backing of the entire European Union, many non-EU European nations, Canada, Israel, Japan, Mexico, …

The Vatican has updated their hit list of mortal sins, adding seven “modern” no-no’s: 1. Genetic modification2. Carrying out experiments on humans3. Polluting the environment4. Causing social injustice5. Causing poverty6. Becoming obscenely wealthy7. Taking drugs Holy hypocrisy, Batman! Causing social injustice? Causing poverty? Becoming obscenely wealthy? Clearly, the Il Papa is going directly to hell in red Prada slippers.