Bryan Fischer Took “Authority” Over The Hurricane And Ordered It Away From Texas In Jesus’ Name [VIDEO]

Over the weekend I posted a roundup of scamvangelicals failing to turn Hurricane Harvey away from Texas with the power of their prayers to White Jesus. But I missed what might be the funniest one. Hemant Mehta at The Friendly Atheist has the transcript of Bryan Fischer’s prayer:

“We’re gonna take authority over the storm in Jesus’ name. We’re gonna rebuke this storm in Jesus’ name and all the demonic activity that might be behind it. Remember: Satan came to rob, kill, steal, and destroy. His energy could be behind this storm just as his energy may have been behind the storm that threatened the life of Christ and his disciples.

“We pray in the name of your son, Jesus Christ, that you would release that almighty power to restrain this storm, to hold it back, to turn it from the coast of Texas, to turn it back into the Gulf of Mexico where it could no longer threaten lives and threaten property.

“We pray that you would still these enormously powerful winds, that you would bring them to a place of calm, that you would still the rain, and that you would protect these coastal lands from the flooding and the damage of the windstorm.”

Fischer also claimed the eclipse was from Satan.

  • Mike_in_the_Tundra

    Oh, puhleez!

  • JDS

    Douchebag is what he is.

  • Droz

    Maybe the storm was a Scientologist. Should have invoked Xenu.

    • Natty Enquirer

      Pascal’s Wager strikes out again.

  • Tomcat

    Nobody is buying the shit you are peddling asshole.

    • Judas Peckerwood

      Unfortunately, millions of gullible Americans ARE buying the shit that he’s peddling.

    • DaeguDave

      What is sad is that in America, there are thousands of people who are buying the shit he is peddling. It would be wonderful if no one was buying it, but that is not the case.

  • bkmn
    • Droz

      I miss this show so much. Granted, they were at that community college for WAY too long, but still.

      • clay

        I work at a community college, a pretty good one, too, and of the minority of students who actually graduate with a two-year degree, over half took more than five semesters.

  • safari

    Uh. They are supposed to get another 20″ of rain.

  • Tomcat

    But he waited until science said it would move on starting today to demand it move.

  • Keith Crist

    Well as a resident of Houston, why didn’t he fucking just stop it before it hit land! While I am sure idiots will believe him, I thonk he is just a con artist.

    And our message from Houston: GO FUCK YOURSELF

    • zhera

      You doing ok in Houston?

      • Keith Crist

        Yes fortunately my house is high and dry, just fighting to keep pool from over flowing and flooding the house. The areas around me are flooded so I’m stuck in my house.

        My husband who works for an airline is stuck in another city, but is safe.

        The surreal part is I have seen two helicopters flying low over my area looking for people who need rescued!

  • Tomcat

    Line the whole lot of religious zealots and drag them through the flood.

  • Ninja0980

    Too bad you couldn’t do that before it dumped more then 40-50 inches of rain.

    • Judas Peckerwood

      Oh, he totally meant to do that.

  • Tomcat

    Tell the asshole Louisiana is pissed off he sent it to them now.

    • Homo Erectus

      Maybe the lard is going after Tony PerKKKins again.

      • Craig Howell

        If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again!

  • j.martindale

    Note to file: our enemies are insane.

  • HZ81

    I guess God doesn’t work in mysterious ways. He straight up ignores this asshole.

  • MikeBx2

    Joel Osteen taking a pounding on twitter for not opening his Houston church…
    https://twitter.com/gollum1419_g/status/902284553963790337

    • JWC

      brilliant you fucking Charlatan

    • Tomcat

      I think the good book has several passages about you ASSHOLE.

    • Tomcat

      You will have a better chance getting your dick through the eye of a needle than getting into heaven for this act of intolerance.

      • Todd20036

        But trump really can do that

        • Lars Littlefield

          That’s why they call him “Old Needle Dick Trump.”

        • Snarkaholic

          …with room to spare!

    • Tomcat

      There is no room for people, he brought all his money there for safe keeping.

      • Homo Erectus

        If the government would just tax that scam-bag they could provide for all of the other displaced Texans. Just sayin’.

    • clay

      “You can’t get baby Jesus unless you’re locked out of the inn.”

    • greenmanTN

      I REALLY hope this bites Osteen in the ass! It’s despicable.

      • WitlessProtection

        I do too, but I am sure he will some scam-spalin it away and all will be forgiven and things will be back to n-n-normal in a few days. That is the power these schmucks have over the feeble minded. Look at Jim Bakker, and Swaggart….

        • prixator

          These people are probably amongst the 35% who still think Dumpty is doing a TERRIFIC job! Praise Jeevits!

    • TrueWords

      But if he did get flooded he would be the first in line for Federal Aide Money

      • MikeBx2

        ^^THIS

      • skyhawk

        No need for a line. He has free access daily thru TAX FREE PROFITS.

    • jsmukg

      Joel Osteen: Cream-of-Kahristyun Kunt.

    • Jefe5084

      One of a long string of con jobs. Ripping off the treasury and his “believers” with clown religion, and stupid fuckers who suck that shit up. One of the “God wants us all to be rich”, Prosperity scams in Christianity.

      Probably the real reason the Orange Ogre doesn’t mind cuddling up to those money-grubbing, scamming, hate-filled troglodytes. They are just like him.

      • Kissmagrits

        I really miss Reverend Ike and the way he used tons of bling and good music to entice his flock…an incredible showman.
        And there was Kathryn Kuhlman…remember her?

        • Jefe5084

          There have been soooooo many.

    • David Walker

      Among quotes in the article: “You have taken so much money away from your people to live like a king,” entertainment publicist Danny Deraney blasted. “It’s the least you could do.”

      I have complete sympathy for Joel, however. You can’t let just anybody into a church. Especially in times of flooding. Can you imagine the amount of mud they’d track into that place? And the carpet cleaning alone would be astronomical. Besides, the lovely pastor is praying for you in his modest little parsonage. Cut him some slack, people. Just because he’s supposed to know what’s in his bible doesn’t mean he does.

    • lattebud
      • David Walker

        They obviously have a low bar when it comes to calling something “entertainment.”

    • Skokieguy [Larry]

      3 different Houston mosques & 100+ members of @MuslimYouthUSA are out & serving Houstonians while Joel Osteen’s $50M megachurch sits closed. pic.twitter.com/QmZqo91rB0— Qasim Rashid, Esq. (@MuslimIQ) August 28, 2017

  • Tomcat

    How does he explain why between two tropical storms almost every red state in the south got a taste of destruction.

    • Tomcat

      60 homes in Florida flooded Sunday, North and South Carolina getting tropical storm now. Harvey heading up into more red states.
      You did not do a very good job of forcing it out

      • zhera

        Fuuuuckkkkk, September’s gonna be a wet one up here (west coast of Norway).

        • ChrisMorley

          The North Atlantic Jetstream is headed straight at you.
          It’s blasting rain at Scotland’s Outer Hebrides and Orkney islands as we speak.

          http://www.netweather.tv/index.cgi?action=jetstream;sess=

          • zhera

            Yup. 2005 was a disasterous year. Katrina and another storm later did enourmous damage. Landslides everywhere.

          • clay

            (Rita?)

          • zhera

            Don’t know. It was November, I think. I was taking the train from Oslo to Bergen but it had to turn around halfway. Rails washed out, whole towns isolated because of landslides, etc.

            It was an extremely wet autumn so the ground wasn’t able to pack away any more water. I suspect it’s gonna be pretty bad this year; the summer has been wet and with climate change, well…

          • clay

            Not Rita, then– too late in the year.

          • zhera

            Possibly Wilma.

  • Philly Mike

    If I was Jesus I would be pissed this asshole was trying to fuck with my hurricane! I hope white Jesus smites Fisher’s saggy pale ass!

  • Sashineb

    Yeah, that really worked out well, Bryan. Glad your LARD is in charge, thanks to you.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/09b4847756fbf07abe4e7c1c4d8b159b3403db8c4af9fa31b550bd7982a3e0ad.jpg

  • JWC

    And still the winds blow and still the rain falls and still you babble on like the fucking idiot that you are Bugger Off

  • Natty Enquirer

    Is this 2017 or 1617?

    • Tomcat

      Religiously or progressively?

      • Natty Enquirer

        Hey, I’m asking the questions here, Satan.

  • another_steve

    As a Philosophical Daoist, I’ve been in touch with the ancient (possibly mythical, but we don’t go there) mystic, Lao Tsu. Boyfriend is sending a basket of locusts and vermin to Fischer and Co.

    …oh…wait wait…that’s my Jew god who does that sort of thing. So difficult to keep up with this stuff… :-/

    • ChrisMorley

      Reminder. Good Catlick boys are trained to bare the other cheek for a Good Slapping.

  • Harveyrabbit

    Good job DUMBASS!

  • If this was even remotely true, you made it worse, you ignorant myth-believing blood-gargling motherfucker.

    • JWC

      lets sue Trump he has made us all alcoholics

      • jerry

        Or he at least exacerbated the existing problem.

        • JWC

          cud be

    • zhera

      No no, that would be SCIENCE. Satan’s science.

    • ChrisMorley

      You make the Scientific Point most persuasively.

      • I try.

      • David Walker

        ChrisMorley…I LOVED “Lamb.” Thank you SO much for recommending it. It’s one of the funniest novels ever. And it seems appropriate now, at this time and on this thread. Sincerely loved it, sincerely thank you.

  • zhera

    Really, Bryan? Are you opposing God’s will? Why aren’t you building an Ark instead? WHY AREN’T YOU REPENTING your sins?

    Oh, that’s right. YOU are godly and sin free, and God does your bidding (except when he doesn’t).

  • BearEyes

    More like one of Aunt Clara’s spells

  • AtticusP
  • Bryan

    Tell that to Jim Cantore.

  • Rocco Gibraltar

    Hey almighty douche..a thought. Pray away poverty and sickness and hunger rather than focusing on weather patterns. Guess that would be too Christ like, can’t have that.

  • Anastasia Beaverhousen

    Bryan Fischer, “Harvey, come blow me!”

    • McSwagg

      LOL! That’s why the storm track has shifted eastward toward Mississippi, Fissure’s home base.

  • popebuck1

    So, wait. The hurricane was God’s punishment for how ungodly America is being. Except maybe it’s Satan at work. Or maybe you, as an evangelist, have “authority” to order the storm around. IT CAN’T BE ALL THREE OF THOSE THINGS.

    • MBear

      Whichever pays more

    • another_steve

      “Suspend all intellect, ye who enter here. Surrender your $5 and $10 bills. Pour gold-plated bathroom fixtures down upon the clergy, that ye may truly know the meaning of “suckered.””

      ~ The Book of Stevie, 12:9

    • PattyJM

      I have an alternative view of Harvey. Its not God’s punishment for being ungodly. No its his/her punishment on Texas for their bigotry, narrowness, homophobia and transphobia.

      My view has just as much information backing it up as their’s does. 🙂

      • popebuck1

        Well, then, in that case why didn’t YOU take authority over it and order it away? We’re supposed to be the nice ones! 😀

      • McSwagg

        God responds to Texas’s attempts to pass a “bathroom bill” with a shit storm hurricane. I like your alternative view.

  • MBear

    Why arent religious people institutionalised?

    • Homo Erectus

      They would make the other patients crazy!

    • Sam_Handwich

      churches are institutions

      😉

      • MBear

        I was thinking more with big walls and gates and keeping them away from civilised society.

        Churches are a start.
        At least we know where theyre at certain days of the week…in population unsullied by innocent flood victims

  • bambinoitaliano
  • glass

    Sorry bitch but only gays control the weather. Remember? That’s all you bigots have been on about for decades.
    And no we did not send this one in to the gulf. However Washington DC should really brace itself.

    • grada3784

      There have to be at least 10 righteous men in DC. Maybe?

      • McSwagg

        “Rightists”, definitely.

      • glass

        It’s scheduled for the time they will all be on vacation. 🙂

  • bambinoitaliano
  • Mark Née Fuzz

    Maybe he should have taken authority before the flood waters reached peoples’ roof tops. Phony con artist.

  • Sam_Handwich

    JAYZUS TAKE THE WHEEL!!

    http://imgur.com/w8gVlt2

  • MikeBx2

    Yes, it must be satan because his god would never cause a life threatening flood to happen.

    • Gianni

      Not what I heard in Sunday School.

  • He truly has no fucking clue what he’s saying. Also, he’s increasingly referring to himself in the 3rd person.
    https://twitter.com/froomkin/status/902296365409193985

    • “Nobody has ever seen anything like it.”

      Yeah, except for all those other hurricanes. Like Katrina.

      • Sam_Handwich

        yeah, he’s bullshitting. but i think this is the worse rain event ever recorded in the US. or will be by wednesday

      • Cattleya1

        This one is a big one, but as an alumnus of Andrew, Opal, Charlie, and Wilma, I can tell you it is just another hurricane. I have been through this and it is miserable. They have my heartfelt sympathy. Also, I promise not to get of the TV or radio and preach at them.

      • Ken M

        I’m still wondering where the “only every 500 years” came from.

    • clay

      The folder he’ll get from his handlers twice a day will tell him he’s doing a heck of a job and everybody’s getting into fantastic shape.

      I don’t know what they do with his personal mirrors that he thinks he’s in fantastic shape, himself.

    • zhera

      “epic” “historic”

      He thinks this is great. For him it’s a chance to be a savior, a moment to shine.

  • AtticusP
    • That_Looks_Delicious

      That’s really not true (the part about Jesus…. I don’t know anything about Thor).

    • JDS

      And Thor is much more butch and hotter looking than Jeebus. So, I’ll just stick with Thor. 🙂

  • CharlestonDave

    Seems that if Bryan has “authority” over the storm, and the storm has caused/is causing deaths and destruction, Bryan is open to civil tort liability.

  • Jamie Wilson

    Some awesome shit is hitting the fan on FB and twitter. Joel Osteen’s mega-church, Lakewood Church — with $77 million in annual revenue and a building with a capacity of 16,800 — has closed its doors and isn’t doing anything to help. No housing. No food. No relief of any kind. They tweeted locations of shelters. That’s it.

    • ByronK

      Christian compassion Texas-style.

    • Homo Erectus

      And what is Brother Jeffries doing?

    • MBear

      The more shocking is that anyone expected differently

      • Todd20036

        In this forum, no one did

    • MikeBx2

      If they opened their doors, the riff-raff would want to be fed as well. I mean where would the expected compassion end? /s

    • Cattleya1

      But all those displaced people are wet, dirty and smelly! You can’t have them stinking up the upholstery in the pews. Besides, if they let them in, they would expect food, water, bathrooms….

      • Jamie Wilson

        i could see him opening up the church and making food and water available for a tax deductible “love gift” of $50.

        • McSwagg

          I’d expect no less from the “Oasis of Love” that is Osteen’s cult.

    • jonfromcalifornia

      It’s not in evangelical theology to do “good works”. It’s only “faith” that matters. These evangelical “prosperity” churches also add that it’s only “money” that matters.

    • Todd20036

      I don’t think anyone here is shocked by this, but I bet a few of his followers are wondering why Mr. God loves you isn’t even doing the bare minimum to help out those in need due to “god’s wrath”

      But given that Jim Bakker is capable of pushing slop for Jesus after going to jail, I don’t expect any long term ramifications for Rev. Smiley Face

      • David Walker

        A few of them are kind of sort of you know upset, but they’ll be back on Sunday, giving their money to the lovely, compassionate shithead. And you’re wrong…he IS doing the bare minimum…he’s tweeted that he’s praying for all the unfortunates. I guess that’s not the BARE minimum. The bare minimum would be not even bothering to tweet.

  • IAMBOWLINGGREEN
  • Paula

    You didn’t pray hard enough dude! All you did is make it stall in place and we see how that is working out. Go fucking help somebody else please!

  • clay

    Yeah, that’s it, wait until the scientific models are mapped, and THEN publicly pray for it to turn back. You better hope your flock loses interest or forgets by the second weekend, though. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ab16e744cab5702d35666e698f4423aa3b8eba3e4de9931dff174bca6287b2de.png

    • Bluto

      Science, you Heretic!

  • coram nobis

    OT but worthy of a new JMG thread: NK just shot a missile over Japan.

    https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/aug/28/north-korea-fires-missile-japan

    Pray that one away, sky pilot.

    • zhera

      Fuckshitfuck! Donnie needs a new distraction. Will we get another stand-off?

      • ChrisMorley

        He’s already trying another.

        White House ‘pressuring’ intelligence officials to find Iran in violation of nuclear deal
        Intelligence analysts, chastened by the experience of the 2003 Iraq
        war, are said to be resisting the pressure to come up with evidence of Iranian violations

        https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/aug/28/iran-nuclear-deal-violations-white-house-search-intelligence

      • coram nobis

        You have to admit that Great Fat Boy Leader is trying to upstage Harvey. Who is the biggest blowhard, Kim Chubby, Don Orange or Harvey?

  • Gianni

    He took authority over the storm! As I understand it, everything is under the control of God which would obviously mean that the storm is being allowed to hit and ravage the Texas coast. So prayers are being issued for God to change what he is allowing and stop the storm or change its path. Wouldn’t God already know all that his storm is going to do to people there? Is this a ploy of his to get you to beg him repeatedly for a “miracle”? Bryan says that Satan’s power is driving the storm. Well, which is it? Is God in control of things or is Satan really more powerful and showing God his stuff and you want them to duke it out using this storm to show who’s got the goods? As for your ‘authority’ over the storm in Jesus’ name, my understanding is that the storm has stalled while it continues to deluge the whole area with astounding amounts of rain. The prediction I heard says that the storm is going to meander over the coastal area before heading back out into the gulf to strengthen and then return to the coast again. Some authority! Will be interesting to hear afterwards how your prayers finally broke the power of Satan and forced the storm to move on and hammer some other area.

  • ColdCountry

    And now that it hasn’t worked, your excuse is…?

    • Bluto

      gheys!

    • JWC

      The LARD works in mysterious ways They could all start saying “Praise Jaybuss the drought is over”

    • OdieDenCO

      he needs more money

      • ColdCountry

        Exactly!

    • Ken M

      Not enough prayers. Not enough faith behind the prayer. Not enough in quantity praying…you need more excuses? : )

      • Gianni

        Not enough donations came in with the prayers.

      • ColdCountry

        Not enough money?

  • Treant

    Satan set this up millions of years ago, apparently, because newscasters from 1974 bid the last American Eclipse farewell by reminding us about August of 2017.

    As for Fischer, eh, obvious troll is obvious.

    • Ken M

      Let’s see here…creation took 7 days. Harvey’s been around , on land, since Friday. Only another 3 days as he has been around as long as creation. I must be tired, I’m going to get some dinner. : )

      • Tomcat

        And the whole seven days, trump rested.

        • Ken M

          “Amen” to that brother

  • thatotherjean

    Satan 1, Bryan Fischer 0

  • Bluto
    • Sam_Handwich

      someone should open a bar next door called The Devil’s Cob

    • That_Looks_Delicious

      Well that’s one way to draw them in to the pews, I guess.

    • Todd20036

      I’ve no idea what that means, but I’ve choked on a few cobs, with no regrets.

  • Travis Morrow

    Well he did a fucking terrible job.

  • Tomcat

    He would just shit if it started doing loops all up the coast all the way to Florida.
    If I were god I would do that just to shut him up.

  • anne marie in philly

    yeah, how’s that working out for ya, asswipe? it’s still there! FAIL! LOSER!

  • bambinoitaliano
  • Ken M

    I’ve never have been able to understand (bear with me guys) why, if God (the father) created Satan, which the Bible says he did. Why not go one step beyond just casting him out of heaven, and wipe his sorry ass out completely? It seems to be another of those unanswerable questions. I guess being gay, when I get to hell I can get my answer in person. : )

    • clay

      I guess God just loved Satan more than he loved Jesus.

      • Ken M

        eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwww…Ouch on that. : )

      • Tomcat

        Yeah, he gave satan the kingdom of hell and all jesus got was to live in gods basement.

        • clay

          and he got killed, yeah, only for three days and for a “real good” reason, but still, he had to get killed.

          • Ken M

            Yeah, but he walked on water, and fed thousands, and healed the sick, and hung out with “those” people. Dude had some skills.

          • Tomcat

            All done with mirrors, tricks he learned from magicians.

          • Homo Erectus
          • Ken M

            Makes you wanna believe.

          • Tomcat

            What was the good reason? All it did was give people the false belief they have been saved. They are still assholes.

          • zhera

            Jeeziz dying on the cross saved all of God’s children because of uh, umm… oh! Magic! Yeah, magic. OK? But the good kind, not the Harry Potter badevilSatan kind of magic.

          • Tomcat

            So now your sins for all week are washed away every Sunday. Nice gig if you can get it.

          • grada3784

            You can get it if you try.

            Sorry, but I couldn’t help myself. “An American in Paris” was on last night.

          • Gianni

            It truly is an impossible maze of irrational reasoning. It requires total blind faith and no questions about how, why, what for, etc.

        • Tomcat

          Jesus has been living at home so long now he must be like 500 lbs lounging on the couch all day.

      • Ken M

        But he and Jesus are one, right? This is where it really starts to get complicated. : )

        • Tomcat

          Plus they have spirit in there too.

          • Tomcat

            A holy one, but a spirit.

          • Ken M

            2 out of 3 aint bad : )

          • Tomcat

            Maybe it was suppose to read spirits, that would make it a much better place to hang.

          • Homo Erectus

            And Mary – don’t forget Mary.

          • Ken M

            If Hollywood would make a movie of Revelation. I would probably go see it. Big fan of sci fi here.

          • Gianni

            Yes, she was impregnated w/o consent by a Holy Spirit who just happened to implant the Y chromosome to make a boy. That dirty dog bypassed her hymen so Joseph wouldn’t feel cuckolded.

          • Ken M

            So she has a kid, out of wedlock, with no involvement of the to be father, but not dad, of the baby. Mary and Joseph were both visited by angles though, so that makes it all right. Let us not forget the 3 wise men from the east. They were named and everything. : )

          • Gianni

            I always found it difficult to believe that Joseph just accepted the explanation of her pregnancy by an angel telling him in a dream.

          • Craig Howell

            Can’t help thinking of Joseph’s reaction in Bill Cosby’s voice: “Riiiight.”

          • Gianni

            🙂

          • McSwagg

            Were those angles acute, obtuse or right(eous)?
            /s

          • Did they have any Saxons with them?

        • zhera

          I feel like George RR Martin could write a better version of this.

          • Bad Tom

            It would be more entertaining.

          • zhera

            Definitely more sexy!

    • zhera

      Without a scapegoat it’s hard to explain to the sheep why things are bad.

      “Why are my children starving?”
      “Because you’ve let SATAN into your heart! Repent!”

    • Gianni

      And somehow, Satan acquired powers that appear to be the equal of God’s.

      • Ken M

        This must be where all of the “faith” comes into the picture.

        • Gianni

          Absolutely. Only through blind acceptance (faith) can anyone convince themselves the this supernatural things happened because of God. It all goes against the realities of the working world/universe/biology/physics/etc.

      • Bad Tom

        Also, too, Satan has all the artists, writers, sculptors, musicians, and other visionaries on his side. Plus, he throws the best parties.

        Satan is more interested in this world than God ever was.

        • David Walker

          Heaven for climate, hell for society. — Mark Twain.

          And on the bright side, we won’t have to put up Kurt Cameron, Bryan Fischer, Jerry Falwell I, II, and III, Jim Bakker, and so many others. Oh, and Kim Davis. How could I ever forget her?

    • Bad Tom

      It’s because a story has to have a protagonist and an antagonist.
      Otherwise it’s boring.
      And no one will buy the book.

      So God put both in. And the Bible became a mega smash bestseller!
      It’s hard to argue with success.

  • olandp

    But I thought the storm was God taking retribution on Texas for not passing the anti-Trans bathroom bill.

    • Gianni

      If that’s the case, then I guess they asked for it and deserve it. God’s will be done.

    • grada3784

      They had been praying for rain not so very long ago.

      I guess God said “Wait a minute”.

      • LatrinaDiBucca

        God is sho’ ‘nuf fuckin’ with Rick Perry and his ‘rain dance’ prayers.

  • shellback

    This just proves that Satan is stronger than jeezis.

    • Karl Dubhe

      Time’s made my jizzes less strong.

      Used to be able to hit a boyfriend’s eye…

      • McSwagg

        You still could if you just got a little closer …

        • Karl Dubhe

          Not after 45, age not dufus.

          • McSwagg

            LOL, 45 is in the far distance in my rear view mirror.

  • KaBoomBOX
  • Gigi

    If he ordered the hurricane away, WTF didn’t he order the rain away too? Why does his god send hurricanes anyway? Why does he hate his children so much? Sad.

    • Homo Erectus

      Where do rainbows come from?
      Genesis 9:11
      And I will establish my covenant with you, neither shall all flesh be cut
      off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a
      flood to destroy the earth.

      9:12
      And God said, This is the token of the covenant which I make between me
      and you and every living creature that is with you, for perpetual
      generations:

      9:13
      I do set my bow in the cloud, and it
      shall be for a token of a covenant between me and the earth.

      9:14
      And it shall come to pass, when I bring a cloud over the earth, that the
      bow shall be seen in the cloud:

      9:15
      And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every
      living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to
      destroy all flesh.

      9:16
      And the bow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may
      remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of
      all flesh that is upon the earth

      • Ken M

        TMI

      • grada3784

        Every living creature? Not just the Christians?

      • Karl Dubhe

        But no living creature is “all flesh”, they’ve got bones. Teeth.

        • McSwagg

          Nah, xstains are generally spineless.

          • Karl Dubhe

            They’d have grown teeth.

            The critter I didn’t think of was Jellyfish. So, they’re the ones who have a thing with gawd. 🙂

  • liondon#iamnotatraitor

    Bryan, God hates you because you are a lying grifting pig who will burn in hell for all the misery you have brought forth on this planet.

    • Todd20036

      Careful, you are starting to sound like someone from the Phelps klan….

  • greenmanTN

    OT a bit, but Katy Tur took Ted Cruz to task for voting against Federal hurricane funds for Sandy while currently asking for it in his own state. “This isn’t the time for political sniping,” he responded. Tur went back at him again.

    http://www.rawstory.com/2017/08/those-are-people-katy-tur-takes-ted-cruz-to-the-woodshed-for-voting-against-hurricane-funding-before-harvey/

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iwJg6frfEDU

    • Homo Erectus

      I heard an interview this morning with a Texas congressman.The interviewer noted that he had voted against a system of flood gates to protect the Galveston and Houston areas from just this type of storm, but was in favor of a border wall. Jeez Louise!

      • The_Wretched

        Just tell him that the boarder wall will keep in the flood waters.

    • That_Looks_Delicious

      See? Katy Tur just doesn’t see the obvious point here. During Hurricane Sandy, those were federal funds from a black president going to those people with those awful “New York values.” Now it’s federal funds from a white pee-resident going to Texas.

    • The_Wretched

      Ted could just as easily be in a 3 piece suit in DC. The ‘local garb’ is an affectation.

  • djcoastermark

    Note to everyone. If B Fishy is praying away a disaster from your area, RUN. Run like hell as fast as you can.

  • Lars Littlefield

    A dollar short and a day late white haired racist christo-fascist. Sorry. No soup for you.

  • coram nobis

    Pray to send this storm to Kentucky, and see if that Ark of Ham will float. We won’t noah for sure otherwise.

    • Gianni

      Hmmmm…………. 🙂

    • McSwagg

      According to the currently forecast of the storm track, you may get your wish.

    • CharlestonDave

      That suggestion’s all wet.

      • coram nobis

        I thought my humor was dry.

        • CharlestonDave

          Saltier than the floodwaters, indeed.

    • The_Wretched

      It’ll float about as well as any other shopping mall sized building made to code.

      • coram nobis

        If there’s a building code for a beached ark.

        • The_Wretched

          Ken’s ark is actually a regular building with an ark facade. Comprised of standard concrete pillars and steel supports.

          • coram nobis

            How many cubits? Do they say? That bible chapter talks a lot about cubits.

  • jm2

    the sins of Texas were just too great for his Jeebus to ignore without punishment!

  • Tomcat

    If only Moses had not dropped and broken those other 10 commandments.

  • Jean-Marc in Canada

    Honey, if that’s your idea of a successfully stopping a hurricane, you might want to rethink any future attempts. Don’t you get it yet, only we gays have the power to grant grace or wrath on matters of the weather, you’ve said so on many occasions. Do make up your mind.

  • Oh, Parker

    Yeah, I’ll stick to gay witchcraft. I think we have a better track record over time.

    • -M-

      Our record couldn’t be any worse.

      • Tor

        We’ve successfully hit more deserving targets.

  • infmom

    Song parody that I wrote about Kim Davis. Still relevant.

    (Just so everyone knows, I am nonreligious.)

    When they worship God and Mammon and repeal the Golden Rule
    And they’re sure the only righteous way is theirs,
    When they hate the ones that Jesus blessed and follow human fools
    When the roll is called up yonder, they’re downstairs.

    Refrain:
    When the roll is called up yonder,
    When the roll is called up yonder,
    When the roll is called up yonder,
    When the roll is called up yonder, they’re downstairs.

    On the airwaves all across the land, collection plates are passed,
    And the preachers, not the Lord, get all the shares,
    And the sinners hate the sinners and a lot of stones are cast,
    When the roll is called up yonder, they’re downstairs.

    Refrain

    Let them call themselves believers and in lies put all their trust.
    Let them quote from scriptures sorted out with care,
    Then when all their lives are over and their hatred’s gone to dust
    When the roll is called up yonder, they’re downstairs.

    • Ben in Oakland

      Why are you singing the part clearly marked “refrain?”

      • infmom

        Cute. 🙂

        If you want to avoid semantic confusion, call it the chorus instead.

        • Ben in Oakland

          As a former musician, I thought it pretty clever. I was always making music pubs in my music classes and math puns in my math classes.

          Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? OH, he worked it out with a pencil.

          • infmom

            I’m glad you liked it. I enjoy writing song parodies.

  • Talisman

    With his track record, let’s hope he doesn’t try to pray away the nuclear bombs.

  • TrueWords
  • TampaZeke

    Karma bit his dogma!

  • Henry Auvil
  • So why didn’t he “take authority” over the eclipse?

    • grada3784

      The eclipse was a warning from God. I know, it’s hard to keep up.

      • Gianni

        I heard that the eclipse was Satanic in nature. I’m confused.

        • grada3784

          Aren’t we all?

        • McSwagg

          That’s just lunacy.

    • Bad Tom

      “Take authority” over celestial mechanics. Mmmmmmm.

  • grada3784

    Is that why the hurricane is still there?

    • Friday

      Science deniers don’t even know what to ask for.

      • The_Wretched

        Slight modifications to barometric pressure would have 1. steered the huricane 2. made it less severe. Of course, they could have prayed away the excess greenhouse gases and we wouldn’t have the mess we do now. Also landmines and PCBs.

  • orion dumptee

    Calling Cindy Jacobs…Byran is stealing your spotlight….

  • Sporkfighter

    The unworthy pleading with the non-existent to modify the universe. Nothing fails like prayer.

  • Pip

    Then there’s this. (sorry if I missed that someone already posted this)

    Joel Osteen shuts megachurch amid flooding crisis
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/joel-osteen-lakewood-church-hurricane-harvey_us_59a45aa4e4b0821444c513d8

  • Karl Dubhe

    Turning the storm away from Texas and send it back into the Gulf?

    Fucking idiotic asshole, he’s praying for what’s going to happen. But what’s going to happen isn’t going to be an answer to anyone’s prayers.

    After it goes out into the Gulf again, it’s predicted to head North. Let’s hope it soaks Bryan Fischer’s head.

  • greenmanTN

    OT but the Montrose Center in Houston is asking for donations for the LGBT community for post-storm relief.

    http://www.dallasvoice.com/montrose-center-starts-lgbt-disaster-relief-fund-10241299.html

  • teedofftaxpayer

    Geeze will the CON ever stop?

    • RoFaWh

      Not until firm legal action (arrest, charge, trial, convict, jail) is taken against the army of fake religious people.

      For far too long the US government has allowed fake preachers, white supremacists, and militia types to flourish. And now the country is paying for it.

  • jonfromcalifornia

    Watch for the excuses that will come from not being able to do “miracles” in Jesus’ name by these evangelicals.

    • Tor

      I think they will drop the subject, never to be spoken of again. Unless it is to claim it is punishment for transexuals in the military. You know the god is up to the minute on current events.

  • Tom000

    I used to be an atheist, but now I’m a believer. I prayed God would punish Texas for Ted Cruz.

    • LatrinaDiBucca

      I think that She is punishing texas (and houston, in particular) for dan patrick as much as ted cruz.

    • The_Wretched

      Goodish – the overage on suffering suggests god retribution isn’t as finely tuned as we’d like given regular human morality.

  • Robert Conner

    Evangelicals should love the flooding. After all, it’s of “biblical” proportions!

    • Friday

      They just love suffering, funny how they haven’t found a way to blame minorities this time though.

      • grada3784

        Give him time. He’s working on it.

  • Friday

    Maniac *and* loser. Christofascists in a nutshell.

  • DesertSun59

    I amuses and disturbs me that people by the tens of thousands give this man money.

  • LatrinaDiBucca

    Why can’t you redirect some of those floodwaters, Motherfucker?

  • TheManicMechanic

    Yet the hurricane still slammed the state and is dawdling around atop it with increasing floods and death. Yep, you did a great job, xtianist shitwad. Now go worship your money.

  • fuzzybits

    Gladys,you never stop.

  • -M-

    “Remember: Satan came to rob, kill, steal, and destroy.”, just like Bryan Fischer.

  • Ernest Endevor

    He forgot the gays.

  • Help animals of Hurricane Harvey (and of course, people too) 123 cats shipped from SPCA Corpus Christi to Dallas SPCA.

    Contributions to SPCA or PetSmart Charities are in order.

  • Galvestonian

    well…you’re quite the frackin’ idiot aren’t you — the only thing between you and God is hot air and B.S. — ’cause you’re just a better hustling grifter than the average jackass. We all know that your real message is ‘send money’, fuckwad.

  • sfbob

    Did a really crappy job of it then. Just ask anyone who lives in Houston.

  • SDG

    Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

    I guess that didn’t really work, now did it?

  • Jefe5084
  • nipper

    So when Louisiana floods we can blame him!

  • EdA

    It’s been said that God answers every prayer. it seems that her answer to the scamevangelists is “Fuck you, and fuck off.”

  • Grumpy Old Man
  • Marc

    I picked up the wrong book and accidentally prayed to Harry Potter. Shit, this is all my fault. Kids, don’t do drugs.

  • Brien

    Still flooding…come on god – do something…!

  • Irish856

    Their God answers all of their prayers… Sometimes like a good Father would/should the answer is NO.
    Sorry Bryan, God said No this time to you… like he does almost every other time you ask him for something.

  • Gene Perry

    Bryan Fischer Took “Authority” … Laughable!

  • joe ho

    There’s the essence of religious belief: Puffing yourself up by pretending you have direct contact with an imaginary creator of the universe.

    Whatever evolutionary advantage religion might have bestowed to human groups in earlier stages of our development, that time has passed. In an age of deep scientific knowledge about the naturalistic development of life and the universe and in an age of globalization, religion is now an impediment–and unnecessary.

  • JDS
  • Inezjroberts
  • Dana Chilton

    A storm hits California it’s the righteous hand of a fearsome god. A storm hits Texas it’s the demonic powers of Satan. Blue state people die from natural disasters and it’s gods ultimate will. Red state people die from natural disasters and gods people suddenly have supernatural powers to minimize damage and save lives.

  • Bernie

    They’re gonna send it to kill heathens in Louisiana instead

    • Halou

      Exactly what White Jesus would do.

  • The_Wretched

    If evangelicals want me to not think that they are loopy, they need to stop doing public magic.

  • DaveMiller135

    The trick is, if it doesn’t work, never to refer to it again.

  • RJ Bone

    So why didn’t it work, Bryan?

    “The Lord works in mysterious ways/It wasn’t his will/they didn’t have enough faith/it’s The Gays fault/Texas needed to be punished for it’s dirty, sinful, ways for the glory of god (TM)/because witches countered us and god allowed it to teach you all humility/because Houston is so liberal/Barack HUSSEIN Obama/because you have strayed from god/you haven’t paid enough tithe/god is separating the sheep from the goats – no true christians’ houses were flooded and if your house was you’re going to hell unless you give me all of your money…”

    I could go on. 30 years in a christianist cult “teaches” you things.

    tl;dr: “It didn’t work because it’s your fault. Give me money.”

  • Halou

    I thought Jesus was crucified, he didn’t die in a hurricane. Satan works in mysterious ways I suppose.

  • DuaneBidoux

    Okay as a Houstonian my only response is “what the fuck took you so long?” You’d think an omnipotent being would be a little faster responding.

  • Vir

    Amen. There is a power in Jesus name! Praise God. I also pray to God that those who mock you and your words that they may find salvation before it gets too late. Thank you.

  • Hata H. Zappa

    Bryan Fischer is the devil.

  • FuzzyMamma

    Guess he either didn’t pray hard enough or Jesus just doesn’t like him or Texas.