Ted Cruz Money Beg: Somebody Might Run Against Me In Two Years So You Must Donate Right Now

Just in from Lyin’ Ted Cruz:

Joe, This morning, the Castro brothers of Texas – Julian and Joaquin, made an announcement, and I want you to be the first to know. In an interview with Charlie Rose of CBS, Joaquin Castro said he will take a look at running for Senate in 2018.

Despite any record of achievement and a liberal ideology out of touch with the majority of Texans, the Castro brothers have the full support of the mainstream media and Washington establishment willing to do everything in their power to turn Texas blue.

Help me fight back! This November, it is critical we elect conservatives up and down the ballot in order to prevent a liberal takeover of Washington D.C.

But our opponents are already making plans to defeat us, so we cannot afford to wait to engage until 2018. Everyday in the Senate, I have continued fighting for jobs, freedom, and the security of 27 million Texans and all Americans across this great country.

In order to stop the Castro brothers attempts to bring their liberal ideology to the halls of the U.S. Senate — I need you by my side. Will you continue to stand with me? If you can afford to donate today — I hope you will make an immediate donation of $25, $50, or more to my Senate campaign.

With liberal Democrats like the Castro brothers preparing to challenge our shared conservative values, the time to fight back is now! Please click here to make a generous donation to my reelection efforts. Your support means the world to Heidi and me. For liberty, Ted.

  • RoFaWh

    When I read a political speech that sounds like a scenario for the Apocalypse, I know the speaker is nuts. And a grifter.

  • leo77

    And your legislative achievements have been what exactly Ted?

    • StraightGrandmother

      And your legislative achievements have been what exactly Sam I Am?

      • Joseph Miceli

        Stabbing Republican Senators in the back…oops! Too soon?
        Even his own party despises him!

        • Margueritesrivera3

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    • Todd20036

      Coming in 3rd in the 2016 primaries.

      Shutting down the government over Obamacare, which accomplished nothing.

      That’s all I got

    • FAEN

      Nothing-exactly what the teabaggers sent him to government to do.

      Disrupt, block, do nothing legislatively then blame the Dems for “not compromising.”

  • FAEN

    His district is so gerrymandered it will be another Fauxpublican. And incredibly he or she will be even more to the right.

    • Jerry Hinnant

      His is a statewide race.

    • U.S. senators run at the state level, not the district.

      Looking at the district map, though, I have seen far worse than Texas’ districting.

  • bkmn

    Ted might have to worry about being primaried by his own party after his performance at the RNC Convention last week.

    • Harley

      The NRA is the group that “primaries” people out of congress. Ted is definitely a whore for the NRA so his seat is secure.

  • Todd

    You’re lucky you didn’t wake up with a horse’s head in your bed.

    • Galvestonian

      oooooooh yeah, good idea.

  • MB

    What ? NO free hat or T-shirt ???

  • Dante

    So he is using a democrat challenger to drum up money to fight his probable GOP primary opponent?

    • bkmn

      Grifters learn to work every angle.

  • Jerry Hinnant

    I thought Republicans and especially evangelicals were praying for the end of the world so they could go live with their Jesus. Seems like they would be ecstatic with the idea of the destructive and all powerful Democrats taking over. Or maybe their not so sure their going to heaven after all!

  • Mark Neé Fuzz

    You must donate to whomever decides to run against this asshole. Send him packing.

  • Baby Dave

    If you arrange the letters of this email correctly, they spell

  • delk

    Nobody who ran against Trump and lost has any business running for anything.


    • That’s just the least of the reasons he should never be elected/reelected.

    • Galvestonian

      …maybe for the exit.

  • I’d pay to see you run against an electric fence, piggy.

    • Uncle Mark

      I’d pay to watch him eat a bacon-wrapped semi-automatic.

      • Harley

        You would need the armor piercing rounds to get thru that thick skull.

      • Paula

        Shit! I’ll donate the gun and the bacon.

  • oikos

    Texas will eventually turn blue with or without the Castro brothers and when it does, repugs can kiss 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue goodbye for good. Suck it, Ted.

    • Harley

      It would be really sweet if Hillary won Texas. I would reconsider my plans on moving to Colorado. Well, except for the whole legal weed thing.

      • Xuuths

        Texas may legalize it — just to deal with the shock!

      • I’ll do my part but I wouldn’t count on her getting over 40% of the vote here. Her only hope is if the libertarians pull enough away from Trump and the suburban pro-choice women decide to vote for Clinton. It’s possibly but not likely.

    • I wish I believed that. Demographically we should already be turning purple but it’s not showing up in statewide elections. Wendy Davis didn’t do any better in ’14 than candidates who ran less of an active campaign. As it is the only reason it’s livable here is that the courts overturn the worst policies and laws past by our Teavangelical majority here. Not that I don’t want the fuck out of here already but if Trump wins I am out job or no job. Imagine what kinds of laws they’d dare pass if the Scalia wannabes were a 6-3 majority?

      • oikos

        It’s coming. The demographics will make it so. It may be a few more election cycles but it will arrive.

  • Odd that Cruz didn’t mention the fact that it’s his own party’s presidential candidate, Donald Trump, who has announced plans to form a SuperPAC to defeat him.

    But seriously, anybody who can’t run against and defeat an ignorant fascist goon like Trump has no business being in politics.

    • Uncle Mark

      Yeah cute…Trump will form a SuperPac to defeat Cruz. How much of this will Trump treat as his piggy bank (much like his verteran’s charity gig)?

  • Uncle Mark

    Sorry, Ted, but I liked your recitation from “Green Eggs & SPAM.” It was far more believable than this obvious work of fiction. Let’s just say, ‘I’ll donate what my conscience is comfortable with.’ Bwaa..haaa…haaa.

  • D. J.

    Um, No Junior.
    Talk to White Jeebus.
    You can get his number from information. Just ask Manhattan Transfer.
    Maybe your Dad can stop chasing demons long enough to get it for you?
    How about Heidi arranging a loan for you?
    She should be able to get you a favourable interest rate.
    Bugger off.

    • Xuuths

      Um, since jesus is constantly begging for money, that may not be the best approach.

      Love the shout out to the Manhattan Transfer!!

  • Secure

    I couldn’t read that without hearing his clownish, nasally voice. Vomit!

    He’s one of my Senator’s, and I really hope Texas gets rid of him in 2018.

  • safari

    I think he underestimates how much he is loathed by everyone.

  • trouble94114

    and you just know he’s going to use some of that money to buy a fresh supply of stool softener

  • oikos


    • David F.

      I guess the publishers rejected the original title – “Republicans Are Ignorant Assholes”.

      • William

        It was a gentler time.

  • Ragnar Lothbrok

    At least he Knows you’re not Pamela.

  • AtticusP

    Lyin’ Ted! I suppose telling you to go fuck yourself is pointless then.

    But go fuck yourself!

    • Galvestonian

      Oh you poor fuck.

    • David F.

      Remember – his college roommate said on Twitter that this statement is contradictory to known fact.

    • The_Wretched

      What free country peeps in your bedroom window to check? I think that quote is from his anti-‘adult novelty’ case.

    • Stev84

      That was when he defended a ban on sex toys

      • William

        Dildo Ted.

  • perversatile

    ”Doesn’t he look tired?”

    • Treant

      Hum, now that you mention it…is he sick? I thought he might be sick. That could be a problem.

      • perversatile

        At least they were able to confiscate all the copies of the home movie featuring him wearing a girl scout outfit, bent over a bale of hay being sodomized by a donkey.

        • Treant

          That’s good news, but maybe the donkey gave him something because he really does look extremely tired.

          • perversatile


      • grada3784

        He should go on a Carnevale Cruz.

  • David F.

    And I quote our patron saint, St. Felicia, book one, chapter one, verse one, “Bye!”

  • Macbill

    Why would you need more than prayers, Ted? Don’t you believe in God?

    • Rex

      Money first, then God.

  • Rex

    I’ll take the two Castros over the one Cruz any day.

  • David F.

    I’m surprised the minions of the apricot haired shitgibbon didn’t get their torches and pitchforks and chase him back to Canada by now.

  • Tigernan Quinn

    This is astonishingly desperate. I have to image that revenue sources have REALLY dried up.

  • Rex

    Cruz gets my vote for most smackable face.

    • David F.

      Behind tRump. We can line them up and just smack them all at once.

    • Joseph Miceli

      I’m a Sicilian and I hold a grudge. I’m still holding out for Joe Liebermann.

      • Paula

        I have a Gore/Lieberman campaign sign in the garage. Want it?

        • Joseph Miceli

          Nah. Hurts too much to think we might have avoided Iraq, the Twin Towers and the 08 recession. Of course, without Bush we would never have snuck in Obama….

  • Rex

    Fighting for jobs, freedom and security for Texans, unless they’re LGBT Texans.

    • Galvestonian

      …or Mexicans, or Muslims, or Afro-Americans or anybody not white and a conservative bigot.

      • IamM

        And by shared values he means everyone doing & saying what he tells them to.

      • The_Wretched

        And the right sort of christian.

  • Tell us how you “fought for jobs”, Ted.
    What’s that? Can’t hear you. WHAT??

    • David F.

      That was fought for (his) job.

  • AtticusP

    Ha ha! Love the “People Whose Father Probably Killed JFK” tag line, Joe!

    You can use it again should the Oswald girls ever make news somehow.

    • William

      Change the tag to Grandfather, and the Bush twins can use it.

  • MikeBx2

    Can you guess who will the be the main voice in the ads against you Lyin Ted?

  • JT

    Cruz will find the same response that he gets from his daughter.

    • trouble94114

      who is the person actually carrying her? And would someone who actually has experience with young children please tell me if this kind of behavior is just the girl not wanting to be part of all the hubbub surround Cruz or is there might there be something else going on?

      • JulieBL

        I honestly do not think that it’s anymore than the child being cranky and not wanting to cooperate. Looks like she just woke up (getting off the campaign bus).

        But I could be wrong.

    • crankyd

      If this had been a clip of Trump and his daughter it would probably qualify as NSFW.

  • Galvestonian

    More reason to donate to the Castro Brothers …

  • pj

    lose the senate race,ted, and its back to being dog catcher.

    • David F.

      He’s not qualified to be dog catcher. He can be the Pooper Scooper.

      • William

        How about assistant pipe unclogger at the sewage treatment plant?

  • David F.

    I’m wondering…

    I know that a merchant can’t put a minimum purchase limit on a credit card if they didn’t issue it (Target can set a limit on their Target cards but not Visa or MasterCard). If they put a limit on minimum purchase you can call and complain, and they could lose the ability to process credit cards from that issuer. Could we complain enough about a two cent contribution to keep his site from processing credit cards?

    I also wonder if Ted is paying a flat rate fee or percentage per transaction. If it’s flat rate, would it be possible for all of us to donate two cents, thereby cutting into the pool of money he’s grifted, possibly even forcing him to owe money instead of getting money?

    • Xuuths

      I could see that backfiring . . . for progressive candidates…

  • That’s nice Ted. Now go outside and play in traffic, will ya? There’s a good boy…

    • David F.

      Do you get the feeling that he heard that a lot when he was younger?

      • Xuuths

        Or every day in the Senate?

        • TrollopeReader

          He’s very proud, because on Mon and Fridays when the Senate is never in session, he gets to be the crossing guard for the day. He likes his uniform!! (and the STOP sign, of course)

    • TrollopeReader

      Yes, I-45 at rush hour. Dallas or Houston, doesn’t matter. Run around the MixMaster in Dallas, why don’t you Ted? Oh, play hide and seek with the Lt. Gov. Patrick!

  • Soren456

    Check’s in the mail, Ted. Look for it!

  • The_Wretched

    At least he figured out you’re not Pamela.

  • mikeinrkfd

    What don’t you understand Ted? Nobody likes you. Ha! Just notice the “People Whose Father Probably Killed JFK” tag!

  • dafs

    Admittedly, I’m a little upset that we’re giving any sort of creedance to Trump’s bs about Rafael Cruz associating with Lee Harvey Oswald. As the father of the future Zodiac Killer, he would never stoop so low as to spend time with someone who had only killed ONE person.

  • Cuberly

    Translation: How to figure out how politically fucked my future is. Is there anyone out there willing to give me money after last week’s public flogging.

  • William

    Gee, sorry, I’m fresh out of checks. It will take me months to decide between puppies, kittens and flowers.

  • BobSF_94117

    “Despite any record of achievement”

    So much for Princeton and Harvard.

  • Stubenville

    Send money so I can continue to antagonize my colleagues and be rude on national TV!

  • Stubenville

    Please, please: my dad needs a new tinfoil hat!

    • anne marie in philly

      dingdingding, comment of the day!

  • Mark

    “Oh hurry! Send as much as you can! TODAY!! Goldman is calling in my loan…and if I don’t pay up they’re gonna hold Heidi by the short hairs!”

  • Robincho

    I want Julián to mop the fucking floor with this sack of mierda de Cubanada….

  • TrollopeReader

    Dear Joe. Send Ted’s money he wants from you to the Castro’s. Sincerely, All of Sane Texas.

  • Bj Lincoln

    But….but you all just said how awful America was! That you want to make America great again meaning is is not great now! What the fuck! Make up your fucking mind!

  • adamj2013

    “Every day,” not “Everyday,” Ted. Get a proofreader.

    • Good Shot Green

      My gosh, yes. It’s not difficult. One word is an adjective: An everyday player plays every day.

      Drives me nuts that college-educated Americans don’t know basic English.

  • PiperPine

    Well that will be interesting.

  • Michael Hampton

    No thanks. I like the Castro brothers.

  • Hank

    Cruz needs Money….

  • I personally know people who started asking how to send a donation (and maybe even an apology) to David Dewhurst (his ’12 primary opponent) last weekend. The voting record would be the same but the assholery would have been a little less extreme.

  • redbluff

    i just love those Castro twins. The cutest things to come down the pike in a long time. I was hoping one (either one, doesn’t matter) would get the nod from Hillary for VP.

  • bdsmjack

    Buh-bye, bitch!

  • John Ruff

    Ted, suck my cock.

    • andrew

      Does that mean that you want to have an intimate personal experience with Cruz?

  • Richard B

    MEMO to Ted – nobody likes you and your career in politics is over…

  • Gianni

    Well, just knowing that my support means the world to Heidi and you makes all the difference to me – NOT! I wouldn’t pick two dirt-encrusted pennies off the street and let you have them.

  • Margueritesrivera3

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  • crankyd

    Unfortunately, this douchnozzle’s political career isn’t quite dead yet. He’s an absolute horror show and scares me even more than Trump, but I’ll grudgingly give him credit for refusing to endorse Trumpencestein. It probably came more from ego, but still…

    • Helen Damnation ✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ

      Yes, he’s crazy scarey. I don’t understand people who vote for him.