Tag Archives: Overheard

ESB Via Chinatown

Thursday, 8:30am, 6 train, 68th Street Woman: Does this train go to the Empire State Building?Man: Yeah, just get off at 33rd and walk west to Fifth Avenue.Woman: Oh. But which one GOES to the Empire State Building?Man: There isn’t one. Woman: Yes there is. Which one is it?Man: None of them GO there, but this one comes close.Woman (turns …

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They’re Always Cold

Bolt Bus, Maryland state line, 3pm…. Driver: How the weather back there? Too hot? Too cold? (simultaneously) Male Passengers: It’s HOT! Female Passengers: We’re FREEZING! Hipster In Front: Why don’t we be gentlemen and let the ladies have their way? Female In Back: That’s nice, but you still ain’t gettin’ any.

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Working In

Crunch Gym, Lafayette Street, Tuesday 4pm Steroided Meathead: Your hands are on the bar wrong. Put them here and here. Angertwink: If I wanted help from you, I’d buy it from you and then inject it. (Provided by Paul)

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Hairdar

Wednesday, 8:40am, 6 train platform Chick 1: Did you see how he was the only one at the meeting who noticed my bangs? Chick 2: Gay. Chick 1: Oh, totally.

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Lost In Translation

West Village, Weehauken Street, 7PM Spanish Bear: You guys, I’ve got to show you the new tattoo I just got on my ass. Passerby: I hope it says “Wash Me.” Spanish Bear: [Several dozen angry words in Spanish] And again I regret taking German in high school.

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Moving Day

Perry Street, West Village, Sunday 5pm…. Woman On Cell: Hey, I just signed the lease! The truck doesn’t come until Wednesday but I already met some of the neighbors and they said they’d help. Very nice guys. You should see them. I think everybody in the building is, like, a bodybuilder or something.

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Into The Woods

Hillside Campground, Saturday, 10pm Camper 1: Yes, they’re very hot. Too bad about them being botoxed. Camper 2: Botoxed? What a turnoff. Camper 1: Not botoxed. I said they’re both tops. Camper 2: Oh! What are their names again? To be fair to Camper 2, I heard “botoxed” as well.

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Booty Stall

Tuesday, 8:45AM, Third Avenue Woman On Cell: So he calls me, get this, at 3am, and he’s all ‘Ooh, baby. I miss you so much.’ And I’m all ‘Yeah, well I miss Jesus but you ain’t gettin’ any ass from either of us at 3am.’

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Shopping For Love

Food Emporium, 1st Avenue, Tuesday, 10PM The grocery list that somebody had left in the bottom of my cart said: 1. parm cheese2. scallions3. almonds4. OJ5. half n half And in a different color pen at the bottom, this had been added: 6. the love of a TRUE man. It was crossed out in the original pen.

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In Which I Think I Know Spanish

Thursday, 8AM, Upper East Side I’m dropping off my laundry at the service in my building’s basement…. Clerk: Cuánto es Sarah y Miss Dolores? How much are Sarah and Miss Dolores? Joe: I don’t think I know Sarah or Dolores. The clerk tries again, much slower and more distinctly. Clerk: Joo wann toh ey-separay dees coh-lors, jess? Oh.

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Six Degrees Of Ted Bundy

Upper East Side, Second Avenue, Tuesday 7PM A deranged, yet very smartly dressed businessman, mid-50s, is walking down the sidewalk shouting to himself. Man: “Douchbags! Communists! Shitbags! Shitbags! Ted Bundy!” I was amused at how little attention he got from passersby until what came next. Man: “Fuckheads! Ted Bundy! BETTE MIDLER!” OK, that made people turn around. I rushed home …

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Um, Progress?

Food Emporium, 1st & 72nd, 9PM Woman On Cell: “Well, you tell that your brother that if he dares to bring that little bitch to MY Seder, he is no longer my son. What? What? You know I don’t care about that. And at least your uncle’s boyfriend is Jewish.” I followed her for another minute to get more, but …

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Value Judgment

Black Party 2008, dance floor, 6:30AM Dancer 1: Oh.My.God! What ARE they doing on the stage?!? This is why straight people hate us! Dancer 2: Honey, I’ve seen you do worse. Dancer 1: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Shut up. My Black Party review will be up late tonight. I’m still mulling.

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The Glamorous Life

Dugout, Sunday, 7pm Bear 1: So I was at the Eagle the other night and there were these two FTMs licking each others armpits right in the middle of the bar. What has happened to this city? Where is the glamor?? Bear 2: Honey, that IS glamor.

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And The Pope Wears A Funny Hat

Worldwide Plaza lobby, Monday, 4pm Ad Guy 1: Wanna get a drink after work? Ad Guy 2: Is the governor blind? That didn’t take long.

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A Working Relationship

6 train platform, 1pm Woman 1: Trust is for idiots. I have his PIN code and his email password. Woman 2: Wow. He must really love you. Or fear you. Woman 1: Whatever works.

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Five Random One-Liners

Cellphone conversations overheard while walking down St. Marks Place in East Village last night…. 1. “OK, but in that case I’ll need to get a new wig.” 2. “You just can’t argue that bitches is meaner.” 3. “Just put it by the super’s door. If it’s still there in the morning, it’s definitely dead.” 4. “Wait, are you talking about …

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Advertising Works

Walking past the playground at 1st & 67th…. Kid 1: You’re a cootie queen!Kid 2: You’re a lint licker! It took me a few blocks to remember where they got that.

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The Avis Of Valentines

6 Train, 8:30 am…. Girl 1: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?Girl 2: I didn’t get shit.Girl 1: David gave me a dozen roses and took me to Per Se.Girl 2: Yeah, but he’s fat, so he has to try harder.Girl 1: This is true.

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The Pet Psychic

The Grill, First Avenue, 1pm Wild-Eyed Man: Your dog is looking at me. Make him stop. Woman With Corgi: I can’t help it if he looks at you. WEM (Shouting at dog): You don’t know me! You don’t know SHIT!

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