Idiocracy

LaGuardia TSA Stops Man With 17 Bullets In Diaper

Gothamist reports: Authorities said a security checkpoint X-ray machine at LaGuardia Airport wiped an Arkansas man of his luggage after his bag triggered an alarm, prompting officers to unwrap 17 9mm bullets that had been “artfully concealed” inside of an otherwise clean disposable baby diaper, the TSA said. The man first told officials he didn’t know how the deadly diaper …

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UFC Fighter Who Is Naming His Son For Tucker Carson Suffers “Gruesome” Seizure After “Brutal Knock Out”

The Sportster reports: In the UFC 296 main card, featherweight Josh Emmett unleashed a powerful strike that knocked out Bryce Mitchell, creating a disturbing scene after the match as Mitchell appeared to have a seizure. In the midst of the main card opener in Las Vegas on Saturday, Emmett delivered a devastating right punch that rendered Mitchell unconscious in the …

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Musk’s Mommy Is “Furious” About FCC Subsidy Snub

Mediaite reports: Maye Musk, the mother of billionaire X/Twitter owner Elon Musk, complained to President Joe Biden on Wednesday after the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) opted not to give Musk’s Starlink nearly $900 million in government subsidies. After FCC Commissioner Brendan Carr protested the decision and accused his agency of joining a “growing list of federal agencies engaging in the …

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YouTuber Gets Six Months For Deliberate Plane Crash

Los Angeles’s ABC affiliate reports: An extreme sports athlete from Santa Barbara County was sentenced to six months in federal prison on Monday for intentionally crashing a small plane for a YouTube stunt and then destroying the wreckage. In November 2021, authorities say Trevor Jacob, 30, took off from the Lompoc City Airport in his single-engine Taylorcraft BL-65 on a …

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Musk Deletes “Pizzagate” Meme After Huge Backlash

Futurism reports: After getting in so much trouble over co-signing antisemitism that he had to go on an apology tour to Israel, noted tech weirdo Elon Musk tweeted a Pizzagate meme — and then deleted it, seemingly realizing that once again he had self-inflicted a terrible self-own. In a post made on the social network he owns that’s still visible …

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Naked Man Arrested At “It’s A Small World” [VIDEO]

Los Angeles’s Fox affiliate reports: A man was arrested Sunday after he was seen naked wandering around the “It’s A Small World” ride at Disneyland, forcing the ride to shut down for more than an hour while park guests looked on in confusion. The man was seen climbing over the display and into the fake water in front of the …

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Iowa School District Sorry For Nazi “Loyalty” Quote

Des Moines’ CBS affiliate reports: The superintendent of Indianola Schools is apologizing after parents say a quote tied to Nazis was included in the morning announcements. On Monday, some Indianola parents shared an email with KCCI, which appears to be the day’s middle school morning announcements. At the bottom, it included the “Respect Quote of the Day,” which was “My …

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Billionaire Trumper Claims Pandas Will Get NYC Out Of Its “Deep Doo-Doo,” Draw Ten Million Tourists Annually

Gothamist reports: Cute pandas will save the city’s economy – and ease tensions between the United States and China, local billionaire John Catsimatidis declared during a bizarre press conference on Tuesday. “New York is in deep doo-doo right now. We need tourism, we need people to come to New York,” Catsimatidis told reporters at his Midtown office. “Who doesn’t love …

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Falsely Accused “Fed” Explains Suit Against Elon Musk

CNN reports: Ben Brody says his life was going fine. He had just finished college, stayed out of trouble, and was prepping for law school. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, Elon Musk used his considerable social media clout to amplify an online mob’s misguided rants accusing the 22-year-old from California of being an undercover agent in a neo-Nazi group. The …

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Christian Site: Missionary Killed By Tribe Is Gospel Hero

The Christian Post reports: For those who believe the Bible is true, John Chau is a hero. John took Jesus seriously when He said, “Go into ALL THE WORLD and make disciples.” John also took Jesus seriously when He said, “whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” Five years ago this week, 26-year-old John Chau went ashore …

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No Labels Floats $100 Fee To Vote At 2024 Convention

The Associated Press reports: No Labels, a political organization that has alarmed some Democrats with talk of launching a third-party presidential candidate, has contemplated requiring a donation of at least $100 in order to cast a ballot at the group’s upcoming nominating convention, according to documents obtained by The Associated Press. The idea, which breaks from longstanding norms, would raise …

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Mullin: The Senate Used To Be Able To Cane People

“You know, some people are real strong behind a keypad, but when they get called out, it’s completely different. People asked me, too, ‘Is this becoming of a U.S. senator.’ And, I’m like, man, I’m a guy from Oklahoma first. In Oklahoma, you don’t run your mouth like that, and if you do run your mouth like that, you’re expected …

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Mullin: Threatening To Fist Fight Is “Oklahoma Values”

The Daily Beast reports: Sen. Markwayne Mullin (R-OK) said he was nobly representing “Oklahoma values” when he challenged a union boss to a fight Tuesday. Speaking about the incident with Mullin on Fox News on Tuesday night, Sean Hannity praised Mullin’s actions, saying any other response would have been “gutless.” Mullin agreed, then said: “What did people want me to …

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Fox Interviews Noted War Correspondent Fabio [VIDEO]

“The world is on fire. You don’t have to look farther than our president. We have today – we have the weakest president in the history of the United States. The guy doesn’t even know what planet he’s on. And of course, our enemies can see that. So what’s better time to take advantage of the situation? The guy can’t …

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Tennessee “Santa’s Train” Driver Charged With DUI

Knoxville’s ABC affiliate reports: Police in Tazewell say Henry Meade, 40, was operating “Santa’s Train” at the town’s Christmas Tractor Parade — i.e., driving a motorized lawn mower that he was using to pull carts full of children and their families. On Saturday evening, visitors at the event said they saw Moore acting erratically. Local police officers were soon alerted …

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GOP Senator Challenges Witness To Fist Fight [VIDEO]

The Washington Examiner reports: A Senate hearing got heated on Tuesday when Sen. Markwayne Mullin (R-OK) stood up in an apparent move to physically fight Teamsters President Sean O’Brien. The move came after O’Brien — testifying before the Committee on Health, Education, Labor, and Pensions, about unions — challenged Mullin to a fight in June on Twitter. In a tweet, …

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The Cult Attacks RFK Jr. For Going Barefoot On Flight

“So RFK Jr. gets up and walks to the bathroom. And as he’s walking to the bathroom, I realize the guy has no shoes on, and no socks. And the floor is covered with food, and, like, disgusting food! He’s walking to the restroom with no shoes and no socks on. He goes into the restroom, sockless, something I’ve literally …

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Ted Cruz Agrees: God Had Texas Team Win The World Series Because They Alone Refused To Hold Pride Night

From the far-right “satire” site Babylon Bee: The Lord has granted a World Series championship to the Texas Rangers, the one and only Major League Baseball team to not host a Pride Night. After over fifty years of championship futility, the Texas Rangers finally captured the World Series title in the same year the team became the final Major League …

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Starbucks Again Fails To Feature Jesus On Holiday Cups

Via press release from Starbucks: It’s OK, you can look now! The holidays arrive in U.S. Starbucks stores on Nov. 2, and we’re here to tell you all about this year’s bright and beautiful collection of holiday cups. The cup collection is clad in holiday red and Starbucks greens and a mood-boosting magenta, each one accented with sparkles for a …

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“Expert Bootmakers” Agree: DeSantis Is Wearing Lifts

Politico reports: In the last few weeks, posts mocking Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis’ strangely shaped cowboy boots have racked up millions of views on Twitter and TikTok, with online sleuths trying to determine whether he’s wearing height-boosting insoles to pump himself up against a 6’3” primary frontrunner with a penchant for nicknames who reportedly considered calling DeSantis “Tiny D.” Three …

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