Idiocracy

Trump Executive Order Encourages Mining The Moon

The Guardian reports: The world may be racked by the coronavirus, but Donald Trump has less earthly concerns on his mind, too, after signing an executive order encouraging the US to mine the moon for minerals. The executive order makes clear that the US doesn’t view space as a “global commons”, opening the way for the mining of the moon …

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Xi Flattered Trump Out Of Saying “Chinese Virus”

The Daily Beast reports: In a private conversation with President Donald Trump during the rapid acceleration of the coronavirus pandemic, China’s leader Xi Jinping went out of his way to deploy one of the most effective diplomatic maneuvers of the current American era: aggressive flattery. In a phone call to discuss the international health crisis last week, Xi stressed to …

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NJ Man Charged For Hosting 47-Person “Corona Party”

NBC News reports: New Jersey officials are bringing formal charges against a man for throwing a house party — an action in direct contradiction with the state’s order to practice social distancing. The Mercer County Prosecutor’s Office said a 54-year-old man hosted nearly 50 people inside his Ewing Township apartment. Prosecutors are charging the man with two disorderly persons citations. …

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Trump Campaign Spox: The President Is “The Best Authority” On The Issue Of Holding Campaign Rallies

The Hill reports: A spokeswoman for President Trump’s reelection campaign defended Trump’s decision to continue holding campaign rallies despite the spread of coronavirus, saying in an interview with Fox Business Network’s Stuart Varney that Trump is “the best authority on this issue.” Campaign spokeswoman Kayleigh McEnany said the rallies would continue despite National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases head …

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Dr. Stabby Won’t “Preview” Virus Plan For Cruise Ship

The Daily Beast reports: During his appearance on ABC’s This Week, Ben Carson was asked by anchor George Stephanopoulos what plan was in place for the ship when it docked as 21 passengers, 19 of which are crew members, have already tested positive for the virus. “The cruise ship personnel and, as you know, the vice president met with the …

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Melania Rages: Everyone Stop Being So Mean To Me!

The Associated Press reports: Melania Trump pushed back Saturday after photos she tweeted of herself overseeing a White House construction project generated an online backlash. On Thursday, the first lady tweeted a series of pics, including two of herself wearing a hard hat while reviewing blueprints for the construction of a tennis pavilion on the south grounds. Critics lashed out, …

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Trump Campaign Sues CNN For “Defamation”

The New York Post reports: President Trump’s re-election campaign filed a libel lawsuit against CNN on Friday night — the third such suit against a media organization in the last 10 days. The suit, filed in US District Court, alleges that CNN intentionally published “false and defamatory” statements about the Trump campaign seeking help from Russia to win the 2020 …

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Romney Caves, Will Back GOP Probe Into Burisma

CNN reports: Republican Sen. Mitt Romney of Utah plans to vote in favor of a subpoena as part of the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee’s investigation into Burisma, a key decision that could advance the GOP investigation into the Ukrainian energy firm tied to Joe Biden’s son. Romney had raised concerns that the investigation had the appearance of …

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Vodka Maker: You Can’t Use Us For Hand Sanitizer

Eater reports: Tito’s vodka might be “handmade,” but it’s not made for your hands. The social media team at the Austin-based vodka maker — which is the top-selling spirit in America — is working overtime on Twitter today, forced to repeatedly explain that its product is not a suitable substitute for hand sanitizer — it just smells like it would …

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Cultists Attack Garth Brooks Over Barry Sanders Jersey (Barry Sanders Is Ex-Detroit Lions Star Running Back)

The Hill reports: Garth Brooks wore a Barry Sanders jersey to a recent concert in Detroit, leading to some of his online followers mistakenly believing the country music icon was showing support for Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.). Barry Sanders is a former NFL running back for the Detroit Lions who is now in the NFL Hall of Fame. Brooks, 58, …

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Stupid People Unsure If Virus Is Related To Corona Beer

The New York Post reports: Some American beer drinkers are avoiding Corona, the beer, amid the deadly coronavirus outbreak, according to a new survey. A surprising 38 percent of beer drinkers insisted that they would not, under any circumstances, buy Corona as the deadly virus spreads across the globe, according to the survey conducted by 5W Public Relations. “There is …

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Trump Meets With Top Experts Amid Virus Turmoil

The Daily Beast reports: In uncharacteristic fashion, the president barely tweeted throughout the day, as the Dow Jones industrial average took another massive dive on fears that the spread of the virus was going to severely interrupt global commerce and medical supply chains. Late on Thursday afternoon, he called the press in for a meeting with Trump-friendly African-American leaders and …

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Cultists Glue MAGA Hats To Pigeons Because Reasons

NBC News Las Vegas reports: An otherwise normal flock of birds was let go in downtown Las Vegas Tuesday, on the eve of a crucial Democratic presidential debate. However, to anyone paying attention, these birds had something very strange atop their bobbing heads: customized “Make America Great Again” hats. The group behind the stunt is called P.U.T.I.N, an acronym for …

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FL College Names Melania “Woman Of Distinction”

The Hill reports: First lady Melania Trump on Wednesday received a “Woman of Distinction” award from Palm Beach Atlantic University (PBA), despite pushback from some students and alumni in Florida over the move. Melania Trump, who changed her primary residence to Palm Beach along with President Trump last year, said she was “grateful” to accept the award. According to the …

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Hackers Exploit Giuliani’s Typos To Plant Malware

CNET reports: Sometimes, typing the wrong letter for a website address means sending visitors to a 404 page. When you’re Rudy Giuliani, it means potentially sending hundreds of thousands of followers straight to a virus. Hackers have been taking advantage of typos in tweets by the former New York City mayor, buying the mistyped domain names and redirecting visitors to …

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Trump Budget Funds Creation Of Greenland Consulate

Foreign Policy reports: The United States is one step closer to establishing a permanent diplomatic outpost in the Arctic by allocating money for a consulate in Greenland, the vast island that President Donald Trump once openly suggested buying, according to a federal budget proposal revealed this week. The administration’s budget proposal allocates $587,000 to construct the new U.S. consulate. Greenland, …

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Space Force Solicits “Good Taste” Names For Members

Posted to the official Space Force website: The U.S. Space Force is looking for feedback from U.S. military space professionals on what Space Force members should be called – similar to how the Air Force refers to its members as ‘Airmen’ or the Army refers to its members as ‘Soldiers’. Given the significance a name has to the identity and …

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Cultist Angry He Can’t Bring Trump Standee To Dialysis

The Associated Press reports: A Florida man undergoing kidney dialysis three times a week is upset that he can’t bring a life-sized cardboard cutout of President Donald Trump for emotional support. Nelson Gibson told WPBF that his family can’t sit with him during his three-and-a-half-hour treatments. To help, he began bringing a picture of Trump as a comfort item. Gibson …

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Smugglers Thwart Trump’s Border Wall With $5 Ladder

The El Paso Times reports: Perhaps the quickest way around a billion-dollar wall is over it. Smugglers in Juárez have engineered camouflage hook-and-ladders made of rebar that blend in so well with the border wall that it can be hard to detect, according to U.S. Border Patrol. The ladders are the same rust brown color as the mesh panels or …

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Sean Spicer Sells Personalized Valentine’s Day Videos: The Best Gift You Can Possibly Give That Special Person

“Hey guys, it’s Sean Spicer with an amazing deal. This month, for the entire month of February, my videos that normally cost $400 are over 50 percent off. $199 is going to give you the best Valentine’s Day gift ever. What way to say, ‘I love you, I’m thinking of you,’ this Valentine’s Day than a video from me? “But …

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