UKRAINE: Spongebob Is Gay, Ban Him

Ukraine’s government is preparing to ban obviously gay Spongebob Squarepants and other dangerous cartoon characters.

The popular cartoon character SpongeBob Squarepants is homosexual, according to a study by the National Commission for the protection of morality in Ukraine, the Ukrainian newspaper Ukraínskaya Pravda reported on Thursday. The Commission has been studying some of the most popular animated series on Ukrainian television and is set to propose a countrywide ban on some of them, claiming they “present a real threat to children”. Series like The Simpsons, Family Guy, Pokemon, The Teletubbies and Futurama are “projects aimed at the destruction of the family, and the promotion of drugs and other vices.”

According to the author of the above-cited study, watching Spongebob causes five year-olds to make faces and repeat nonsensical phrases. Which has never happened before in the history of the world, obvs. (Tipped by JMG reader Kevin)