Pharma Douche Begs Court For Only 18 Month Sentence

Reuters reports:

Martin Shkreli, the former drug company executive convicted of defrauding investors in two hedge funds he ran, has asked a federal judge to sentence him to 12 months to 18 months in prison, much less than suggested federal guidelines.

Shkreli, 34, has been in jail since September, when U.S. District Judge Kiyo Matsumoto revoked his bail after he offered a $5,000 bounty for a strand of Hillary Clinton’s hair in a Facebook post. Matsumoto is scheduled to sentence him on March 9.

Shkreli’s lawyers said in a court filing on Tuesday that the sentence of 27 years or more calculated using federal guidelines was “draconian and offensive.” In addition to the prison sentence, they proposed Shkreli complete 2,000 hours of community service and undergo court-mandated therapy.

  • safari
    • Treant

      If only there were an armed teacher…

      Oh. Carry on, then.

      • crewman

        Obviously students need to be armed to protect against armed teachers.

        • Nowhereman

          Oh hell yes! Moar guns!

    • Ragnar Lothbrok

      The only way to stop a bad teacher with a gun, is a good teacher with a gun.

      Gun teachers?

      Edit to add – Guess I should use the S/

      • Max_1
        • Hank

          I wonder, what he is hiding under his “vest”??? He looks intriguing. I would love to get “artistic” with him!!!

          • Max_1

            You can play with each other’s pencils…

          • Prost Seattle

            Put your quill in his ink well.

          • Todd20036

            You’ve been hanging around me WAY too much

          • Hank

            Not enough in my book!!! Lets get together and “talk” about it!!!

        • not a user 220000

          He can teach me anything he likes!

      • Uncle Mark

        I guess we need to arm the “good” students now. /s

      • SkokieGuy / May attempt snark

        Look how well it worked when we armed the ticket takers and concession clerks after the Aurora Colorado mass murder.

      • gaymex1

        Beckett, Ionesco, Genet, Camus, Pinter, etc. It’s too much even for them.
        S/—-not needed.
        It’s all breathtaking in its scope.

    • Tulle Christensen

      This just shows the students need to be armed too, to protect themselves from the armed teachers.

      • ChrisMorley

        We need to reduce the age limits for all school pupils accordingly.
        /s

    • safari

      This story is getting weirder

      ALTON, Ga. – Police say a teacher is in custody after reports of shots fired at Dalton High School.

      Dalton police said a teacher was barricaded inside of a classroom.

      • BearEyes

        snapped?

        • Max_1

          Playing “Call of Duty”?

        • Sporkfighter

          I’ve known two teachers who snapped. One was a former nun who ended up in working in some spiritual healing place in New Mexico. The other was an elementary music teacher forced into eighth grade math. She started packing everything into boxes during a class period. She took everything she owned out of the classroom including screws holding the pencil sharpener to the wall to her car and drove away, never to be heard from again.

          Middle schoolers can be hell on the the thin-skinned. Arming us teachers is a really bad idea.

          • William

            When I was in second grade, my teacher from first grade had to be dragged out of her classroom. She was kicking and screaming all the to the office. She came back to teach again a few months later.

          • iambu

            My Jr. High science teacher was fired from a previous school for a habit of throwing chairs when she was angry. My understanding is that our school was really desperate and hired her with the proviso that there would be zero tolerance of any type of physical violence. Technically, I guess she never violated that dictum, but she did do this one weird thing kind of a lot: If she was mad at you, she’d take a heavy textbook and feign slamming it down over your head, only to stop about 2 inches short and lightly rest the book on top of you. I don’t know or care what she thinks she was doing or not doing, because either way, one’s reaction was always, “Lady, did you seriously just try to bash my head in with a book??” She was otherwise just as unpleasant as one might expect, and if she was having a bad day, she made sure we all knew it. Woman couldn’t be trusted not to assault kids with school supplies. Giving her a gun??? *shudder*

          • pj

            what did you say to her.

          • George Clarendon

            I once substituted at a middle school, and the teacher left notes and told me not to take names but to handle the students if they acted up. I had to send 4 of them to the office in just one period, but afterwards word got around and I had no problems for the rest of the day.

      • John30013

        But if the other teachers had been armed, they could have stopped that bad teacher in his/her tracks, amirite?

    • Sporkfighter

      Yet another reason teachers should not be armed.

    • LOL!!!

    • zhera

      Timing is perfect. Horrible for the kids and teachers, though.

    • prixator
  • Butch

    Really is a face you’d like to punch, isn’t it?

    • Renfield

      One among many, these days. Many. But yeah and I’m sure once he is comfy he’ll get to know his new cellie real well.

      Sadly, he will still have access to a lot more money than any of his fellow prisoners and in prison money really talks. Someone I was tutoring a few years back spent some time in the same prison as Madoff and he said Madoff was treated very well since even after being stripped of most things, he still had much more than any one else and he spent it.

    • The_Wretched

      He’s #1 on that list and ted Cruz is the competition.

      • Lizard

        Surely you haven’t forgotten Dear Leader’s shit-eating smirk.

        • The_Wretched

          Still #3 or greater.

      • Judas Peckerwood
        • The Milkman

          Dear sweet baby Jesus with your golden fleecy diapers and your fists of fury, please help me keep my hands from balling up into the fists of divine retribution and plunging into this miscreant’s nose. Or his mouth. Or his five-head. Or six-head. Amen.

        • Harveyrabbit

          Now that’s a face that deserves to come up when you do a google image search for Nazi SS.

        • The_Wretched

          Even him. He’s 3rd or more.

        • Droz

          HOW IS HE YOUNGER THAN ME?!?

    • April

      Considering how many people want to punch him maybe he should ask for MORE time.

  • BobSF_94117

    27years? That’s absurd. It’s not like he stole a loaf of bread.

    • #DJTK5F

      I would support capital punishment.

  • JWC

    this diirtbag need 180 years

  • BearEyes

    tough titties, douche-boi

  • Boreal

    Lock him up for the full 27 years.

    • evanedwards

      And make that Saturnian years.

      • Todd20036

        I was thinking of Uranus.

        • shellback

          That’s funny, I was thinking of yours.

          • TheManicMechanic

            Get a planet, guys!

          • shellback

            Care to join us?

          • TheManicMechanic

            Stellar idea!

        • Steverino

          That would be more appropriate for an asshole, and much longer, too.

    • Sashineb

      And lose the key.

      • Sporkfighter

        Key? Weld the cell door shut.

    • Comixbear

      Lock him up and then decide to increase the time by 5500%.

      • La’Kietha

        The sad thing is big pharma and the like prob hate him more because he did what the rest of them do but did it without the secrets, lies, and BS. He actually did some good I think. As strange as that sounds.

        • Mildred Pierce

          totally agree…,

    • DJ John Bear

      Put him in general pop….

    • Tread

      Lock him up for more. He bought a company that made life-saving medicine and raised the price 7000%. Seems to me his sentence should be 70% more.

      • Gay Fordham Prep Grad

        I hope the federal bureau of prisons sends him somewhere decent…a middle level securitypen. No macrame and horseback riding like Anthony Weiner is getting.

      • lymis

        Give him the 18 months. Then multiply that by the 7000%.

    • Devon Rodriguez

      He was not going to hike up the cost of these drugs for 18 months…therefore why would anyone give him this consideration….

      • Tom Furgas

        Because he’s a whiny little shit who can’t take the heat when he’s been caught fucking other people over for his own profit.

        • Devon Rodriguez

          Agreed. that he is whiny and insufferable…how are you doing Tom…

          • Tom Furgas

            I was doing OK until I saw your reply and your picture. Now I’m doing GREAT! How are you, Devon…?

          • Devon Rodriguez

            Doing well, been working hard as well as decided to do some home renovations…but also reading a GREAT book called “Less”

    • IDavid

      Yup. Mr. Smirk needs to work on his manners, for as long as possible. Slow learner that one.

    • Chris Lion

      Can’t we just throw him into a wood chipper and be done with it?

  • Treant

    How about one month for every person you overcharged for your vile medication, and one year for every patient who had to skip it due to overcharging?

    Let’s start there, then move on to your other charges.

    • MT YVR

      I like it… very Solomon of you. Well done. (applause)

      • Treant

        I believe in making the punishment fit the crime. So when somebody sits in my chair, it has to involve a butt payment.

    • William

      There were other pharmacies that jumped in quickly to provide very low cost versions of the same medication. It limited the number of potential victims.

      • Jamie_Johnson

        So then let’s add a year for every pill that every other pharmacy had to provide in Douche’s stead.

      • Sporkfighter

        In the few months it took, people likely died, so I don’t find that a mitigating factor.

      • Treant

        Then we can add 1 month for every person who was forced to go to one of those pharmacies. Inconvenience, y’know.

    • Tom Furgas

      And one life sentence for every patient who died because they couldn’t afford the medication.

      • Treant

        Sold!

    • ColdCountry

      While I’d like to see it, that is not what he is convicted for. He argued that he shouldn’t be charged at all because the people did get their money back, eventually, so I just hope that fact doesn’t inspire the judge to be lenient. It is very hard not to be prejudiced against this guy, but they should stick to the charges and legal structure. I will always love what one prospective juror’s answered to the question of whether or not she could be impartial. “I could only be impartial about which prison to send him to.”

  • bkmn

    Keep him locked up and order daily body cavity searches.

  • safari

    27 years seems like too much.

    • Ragnar Lothbrok

      Should be 27 decades

  • Ragnar Lothbrok

    -Shkreli, 34, has been in jail since September-

    Such a nice sentence to read.

    • narutomania

      Agreed.

      An even better sentence will be:

      Shkreli, 54, has been denied parole and will serve the remaining 7 years of his sentence.

      • Ragnar Lothbrok

        Ha Ha

  • Pollos Hermanos
  • Renfield

    “and undergo court-mandated therapy.” ?? What kind of therapy? De-douching?

    • Sporkfighter

      Is there such a thing as a brain-enema?

      • Bluto

        Stick a fire hose up his ass & turn it on full blast.

        • Uncle Mark

          He’s all asshole. Insert hose anywhere

      • Mark

        It’s called a frontal lobotomy.

      • ChrisMorley

        ECT works.

    • Friday’s_cat

      The former dequeerer therapists could branch into dedouching.

    • Clive Johnson

      CBDD – Cognitive Behavioral De-Douching.

  • zhera

    Joe, your ban hammer is needed in the post about the Nobel Peace Price. Possible other posts as well, but that’s where I saw the troll. Nasty one.

    • BearEyes
    • Tulle Christensen

      Considering its post count was 8 when it first posted here and it is now 16, I would assume a Russian troll farm member

      • clay

        Posing as an African-American to divide.

    • Tulle Christensen

      oh and emailing Joe is faster than waiting to see if he sees your post

  • MikeBx2

    “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.”

  • D. J.

    A year for each hedge fund plus 25 yrs for being a douche…

  • Uncle Mark

    One would have thought that PharmaDouche would have lowered the price of the AIDS drug, in an attempt to seek clemency from the court, but instead he decided to troll & terrorize HIllary (possibly hoping Trump would be amused & grant him an appeal.)

    Lock up the evil, calculating psycho !!

  • Krusher

    No therapy will cure a sociopath.

  • D. J.

    Since when has the US found draconian to be offensive?*
    *unless you are a politician found guilty

  • PlutoAnimus

    I predict three to five.

    With odds of two to one.

    Any takers?

    • D. J.

      I think you’re right….2000 hrs community service.

  • The Milkman

    I have never in my life seen someone destroy their reputation so utterly, so quickly, so deservedly, and so permanently. It makes me wonder whether the outcome would have been different in the days before social media, though in this instance it seems that the national opprobrium is doing us a public service.

  • The_Wretched

    Sentences are too long generally. Evenso, Noone needs to be nice to this guy who literally wanted to hold people’s lives hostage for him to get rich.

  • clay

    “But, I’m white-collar. It’s not like I waved a gun around in a bunch of banks.”

  • Jeff Breeze

    I hope the judge throws the book at him.

  • JerryRich
  • #DJTK5F

    Offensive sentencing guidelines?

    1) 27 years in prison, without possibility of parole until after 18 years have been served

    2) Satisfactory completion of 15 years of court-supervised therapy.

    3) Completion of PhD (w/ ORIGINAL dissertation) investigating the intersection Entrepreneurial Ethics and Empathy

    4) Fine of $20 million to recoup investor losses

    5) Court costs, prosecution costs, incarceration costs

    6) Establishment of a restitution fund of $100 million

    7) Vow of silence for the term of his incareration

    8) Court-ordered tooth whitening and hairstyling

    9) 15 years of Community Service post-release (cf Division of Manual Labor)

    10) Sentence may be reduced by 1 year for each uninterrupted 2-year period a member of his legal team shares a prison cell with him.

  • Rebecca Gardner

    I’m so glad Florida will be arming teachers.. SMFH!

    https://twitter.com/AP/status/968903039942881281

    • Your concern is unfounded. As long as the kids pray, they won’t be hit by the evil bullets, or the good bullets.

      • clay

        Thank you, Gov. Bevin. May I have another?

      • MT YVR

        Oh wow… I’ve not heard the Good Shit vs Bad Shit thing in aaaages. Remember the whole “which kind of AIDS do you have?” crap?

        Now we get the New and Improved(tm)!! Good bullets vs bad bullets. From good or bad guns. “If you got hit there must have either been bad bullets in his good gun OR you had a little bit of bad in you that a good bullet sensed…”

        Next up this will lead to magical swords and faeries wandering out lobbing them to the next saviours of the land.

        I swear. They’ve got the best drugs.

    • Ragnar Lothbrok

      Obviously, this wouldn’t happen if all the kids had guns!

    • Ninja0980

      Arm the kids!

    • Bambino

      So no one there heed the brave Bone Spur Cadet message of rushing in to protect the children? Must be too busy shielding themselves from wind and rain under their umbrellas.

  • Nowhereman

    I think that 30 years sounds about right. Being an arrogant douche bag should have severe consequences. I hope he doesn’t have any children.

  • Leo
    • The_Wretched

      It’s more than a full time job keeping up. It’s like rube goldberg mated with goebbels mated with duane gish.

      • The Milkman

        For a second there I thought you had typed Diane Bish. Now THAT gave me life for a second.

  • Moebym of the Returners

    He’s a little old for an affulenza defense. Put him in the pokey for the full 27 years – it’ll learn him not to fuck over innocent people for a quick buck.

  • SkokieGuy / May attempt snark

    Sometimes is nice when a man begs…

    This is not one of those times.

  • Ninja0980

    You made it clear as day how much you enjoyed sticking it to those you deemed less worthy then you.
    Time for you to pay the price for that.

  • The_Wretched

    Let’s not forget that little stunt he did with Hillary’s hair. This judge will not be inclined to go light on him. I have to assume he’s been unable to keep his assholery under wraps during the trial and that does not go over well.

  • Christopher

    Fuck him!

    He can rot in prison for all I care. Hell, I don’t even care if they feed him.

  • safari

    O/T: Sarah doesn’t want to play today…
    https://twitter.com/Acosta/status/968912583544762369

    • Leo

      Oh those fights in the WH must be epic right now.

    • William

      The delivery from Little Debbie arrived.

    • Cuberly Deux

      Jared has locked himself in the Lincoln bedroom and is refusing to come out till he gets a billion dollars?

    • Ninja0980

      What a snowflake.

      • Lars Littlefield

        She has a hoof infection.

    • The_Wretched

      Dang! I was looking forward to it.

  • Hank

    As the Rethuglicans are so proud of telling us, You do the Crime You pay the Time!!!
    Of course, that is generally if you are NOT white and wealthy!!!

  • I’m surprised the douche didn’t demand the entire thing be thrown out.

  • BeaverTales

    They should charge him with the death of anyone who couldn’t afford Daraprim and subsequently died. He’s getting off easy.

  • boatboy_srq

    Can we compromise and make his sentence 18 months of Sundays?

  • Tempus Fuggit
  • Boreal

    “draconian and offensive.”
    Like raising the price of someone’s critical meds by 10,000%?

  • not a user 220000

    If Mr Shkreli’s lawyers find the Federal Sentencing Guidelines “draconian and offensive,” they should lobby Congress to have them changed.

    U.S. District Judge Matsumoto will not ignore the Guidelines because a Defendants’ lawyers say rude things about them!

  • liondon#iamnotatraitor

    What a douche.

  • joe ho

    DALTON, Ga. (AP) — Police in Georgia respond to shots fired at high school and have taken a teacher into custody; no children hurt.

    NRA will now argue all HS students need to be armed in case of attack by armed teachers.

  • Boreal

    OT:
    CNN: Mueller Investigators Asking About Trump Business In Russia Prior To 2016

    https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/27/politics/trump-russia-investigation/index.html

  • Leo
  • D. J.

    Where was his empathy/sympathy when he unreasonably jacked up the drug price? F/U.

    • Tread

      By 7000%. That’s an important detail.

  • Blake J Butler

    Making something yummy for my board meeting tomorrow evening.

    • Tom Furgas

      Do share the recipie, Blake!

      • Blake J Butler

        It’s for Zeppoles. Some people bake them, some fry them and then roll them in confectioners sugar, granulated sugar, or cinnamon sugar.

        • Tom Furgas

          How do you do it? (I mean the Zeppoles!) ;^)

          • Blake J Butler

            I’m going to fry them today. They also can be filled with creams and custards, or even like Nutella for fillings. Basically Italian doughnuts, where you make pizza dough, i’ll be making them later this afternoon to show off, along with a pizza im making from the same dough. Heres the video on where i got them from, on how to make them, the same girl here uses the same measurements when she makes pizza dough so its the same dough, and the same recipe and measurements on how to make it, the link to her pizza dough recipe is here.

            The end result is what these should look like. The picture are not mine, i haven’t made mine yet, im still working on the dough.

            https://i.ytimg.com/vi/K3qrB7IlS2M/maxresdefault.jpg

  • Tom Furgas

    Well, Shkreli is pretty well versed in “draconian and offensive” actions, as when he put a vital AIDS medication out of the reach of most patients. So if he is given a “draconian and offensive” sentence it would be only fitting and proper.

    • Halou

      While he faces no justice for doing that to people, I guess some justice is better than none.

      • Tom Furgas

        Very true. Very true.

  • Blake J Butler
    • Tom Furgas

      Wouldn’t they be outing themselves in the process and I could slap myself for not realizing that Mr. Sims would be perfect for a biopic about Tom (not as him, but as one of his models, maybe…) or something…looking at that picture causes me to not think straight and that’s not a pun…

    • William

      I have a stack of dollar bills. Mr Sims can start taking his clothes off.

    • AmeriCanadian

      He only gets sexier with every pic! OMG if only we were both single, I lived in his district, I was his type, etc., etc., etc.

  • JWC

    If this little shit got out in 18 months where in the world would he live and not be hated

  • Halou

    That is not how ‘justice’ works for poor people so it shouldn’t be that way for people like him either.

    Then again, this is the same judicial system that let Paul Manafort free from his house arrest on nothing more than a whinge. And that was despite him plainly violating the terms of the “do not talk to the Russians” deal that let him have house arrest instead of being imprisoned until his trial date.

  • Jalapeño Business

    Bless is heart. He’s begging for something shorter and not as hard.

  • Leo
  • Jean-Marc in Canada

    Man who had little empathy or sympathy for people suffering from illness wants empathy and sympathy…yeah, I don’t think so.

    On another matter, this is happening:

    https://twitter.com/JenniferJJacobs/status/968913125692059648

    • Leo

      Schneiderman be like STATE CRIMES BITCH

    • Tom Furgas

      This becomes more de-lish hour by hour.

    • The_Wretched

      Trump can’t pardon that one.

  • Henry Auvil

    Pharma Douche reminds me so much of Don, Jr.

  • alc2018
  • Lazycrockett

    “neck of the woods”

  • TexasBoy

    I wouldn’t worry, just have his family make a sizable donation to the Donald J Trump foundation and a pardon will magically appear.

  • Dale082

    I want to see him grovel and beg and cry until his face is a snotty tear-streaked mess then watch the judge throw the maximum sentence at him.

  • MonochromeMouse

    Fuck that, give that little shit the maximum sentence, in general population, and tell the guards not to protect him.

  • No More GOP.

    I think 27y is light in his case. And he should be barred for life from any financial endeavors.

    • Reality.Bites

      And selfies.

  • Tom Furgas

    How exactly does one serve 2000 hours of community service while locked up?

  • Friday

    Oh, no, fraudster, gouger, and professional douchebag asshole rich boy is ‘offended!’ Better give him 1/24th the sentence his crimes call for!

  • Karl Dubhe

    Ze book, vere ist ze book?

    Toss it at him. 🙂

  • kareemachan

    *pharma douche* is offensive, not the sentencing guidelines.

  • wmforr

    Community service? How about the rest of his life as an orderly in the children’s cancer ward.

  • I’m not gonna argue if that’s what the federal sentencing guidelines say is appropriate.

    Also, therapy won’t ever cure sociopathy.

    • Gianni

      I had to chuckle about the therapy thing. Like there’s a buried nugget of empathy, sympathy, and caring about others just waiting to be uncovered and brought to the surface. No such treasure is buried inside of him.

    • prixator

      Is sociopathy the polite version of acute assholism?

  • Kevin Andrews

    The 27 years sounds about right.

  • lymis

    But he should get time off for good behavior.

    Oh, wait.

  • anne marie in philly

    BULL FUCKING SHIT! you did the crime, now do the time! and just because you are a white boy, you expect to get off easy? FUCK YOU!

  • Highmoremotel

    How about a lifetime of community service and only 10yrs in prison?

  • dcurlee

    Lock that smug little fucker up.

  • prixator

    Hmmm. There’s therapy for acute assholism?

  • infmom

    Sure, you can have 18 months. In Pelican Bay. Take it or leave it.

  • ‘Til Tuesday

    This is the one case where I’d be in favor of having him serve his sentence in the public stocks, with rotten fruit thrown at him daily.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3a4b9ac2594e31ce1a2b546e16abb173b4e53f70bec899d76f231467878c1306.jpg

  • DaveMiller135

    I had a semi-distant relative who opined that you shouldn’t send white collar criminals to jail, “because jails are terrible places.” I was struck sufficiently dumb that I never did learn what sort of penalties our delicate white collar criminals should face.

  • e jerry powell

    Aw, HELL NAW.

    Go directly to jail.
    Do not pass Go.
    Do not collect $200.

  • andrew

    Lock him up. Throw away the key.

    • Ann Kah

      Therapy with a cattle prod, perhaps?

  • Mike__in_Houston

    You are not a special boy and the rules apply to you too, as you are about to find out. I hope they bunk you with Bubba.