Leaked 1981 Mormon Guidebook Warns Young People That Masturbation Will Probably Turn Them Gay

Newsweek reports:

The Mormon church hates self-love. Masturbation should be strictly banned because it can turn young people into homosexuals and criminals, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believes, according to a leaked guidebook issued to members.

The 1981 guidebook, released this week by the transparency group MormonLeaks, provides some insights into what many young Mormons have been taught about sexual development and homosexuality over the years.

“Early masturbation experiences introduce the individual to sexual thoughts which may become habit forming and reinforcing to homosexual interests,” the guidebook claims. “Self-masturbation is almost universal among those who engage in homosexual behavior, and is a very difficult habit for most to overcome.”

More from the Daily Mail:

A spokesman for MormonLeaks claimed that the Mormon church had never retracted the guidebook, although current church teaching on homosexuality is somewhat more tolerant.

Current church teaching on homosexuality holds that while same-sex attraction is not a sin, physical homosexual acts are.

‘Sexual purity is an essential part of God’s plan for our happiness,’ reads the LDS Church website. ‘Sexual relations are reserved for a man and woman who are married and promise complete loyalty to each other.’

  • another_steve

    I masturbated so much as a young person that I turned my entire apartment complex gay.

    • William

      You’re radioactively gay.

      • another_steve

        I’m so gay that roses blush when I’m in their presence.

        • William

          Karen Carpenter had you in mind.

          https://youtu.be/6inwzOooXRU

          • another_steve

            Oh lordy, William, that brought back memories. Thank you. 😉

            Karen Carpenter was an idol of mine.

            May she rest in peace.

          • William

            Sadly, her illness and death destroyed her legacy.

          • David Walker

            Poor little girl blue. Both Jack and I adored her. And then there was that Barbie doll movie.

          • another_steve

            Stay with me, David. Please.

            You and I are almost always on the same wavelength.

          • William

            Karen was the soundtrack to my growing up years.

    • Statistics Palin

      Congratulations!

    • Jean-Marc in Canada

      Thank you for your service.

    • I guess I better masturbate some more. All I’ve done is turn everyone in my building into a snappy a dresser.

    • Bambino

      Do they have to replace the plumbing?

    • David Walker

      That’s a lot of toaster ovens.

  • safari

    Self-masturbation

    Perhaps there is a reason young Mormon men travel in pairs.

    • Benji

      Haha!

    • another_steve

      “Excuse me sir, do you have a moment to talk about Jesus Christ and then masturbate on me?”

      • gaycuckhubby

        It would be a more convincing pitch.

      • SkokieGuy [ChicagoAdjacentGuy]

        I see we watch the same movies.

        • RoverSerton

          A whole new unexplored genre of movie (at least, I’ve never heard/seen it).

          • SkokieGuy [ChicagoAdjacentGuy]

            Its all over a lot of the popular porn sites. Apparently Mormon underwear is a fetish for some and it often features younger / older pairings.

          • Scott Carpenter

            I have a friend who tells me that mormonboyz.com has many of these movies.
            Seriously, it really is a friend. Being raised Mormon, garments are such a hard-off inducing image, I can’t even begin to tell you.

          • Lars Littlefield

            Especially the old-fashioned onesies with the split in the seat so good mormon men didn’t have to risk getting all horned up by pulling down their Gs to poop.

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      • vorpal

        Given conservative Christians’ incredible skills of grammar and spelling, I can see the church billboards already:
        “There is no U in MASTERBATION.”

      • Oscarlating Wildely

        And let my cry and me come on to thee.

        • another_steve

          “Hear my prayer, O Lord, and let my cry come to you.”

          LMAO!

          Ohmigod that is so bad of you, OW. 😉

      • Rambie

        Wasn’t that the pickup line in the movie “Latter Days”?

    • vorpal

      Usually incredibly attractive pairs, too.
      Jehovah’s Witlessess, take note.

      • another_steve

        I’m rather androgynous bordering on fem, so when the Mormon boys approach me, I perplex them.

        I can see them thinking, “WTF is this thing? I didn’t agree to do this level of Christ outreach, thank you.”

        • Scott Carpenter

          I was under the hood of my car in the driveway and two earnest young men asked me if I had a few minutes. This was right after Prop 8, and I had anger management issues. So I said “Ok, here’s the deal. I’m a fag.” One of them barked a giggle before he could stop himself. I continued. “Your church hates fags. Now get the fuck off my driveway.”
          The one who had giggled wanted to explain how they don’t really hate fags, but the other one grabbed his arm and pulled him away. Missionaries haven’t been back to my house.

          • vorpal

            Most people think, upon meeting us, that my husband and I are brothers. When Mormon guys used to visit, provided they were cute enough, we would let them stay and blither their nonsense at us until the cuteness no longer outweighed the stupid and we had our fill, at which point we would tell them that we were married fags and watch them scurry off.

          • JackFknTwist

            Edited :
            And indeed we get to that point of the ‘stupid outweighs the cuteness ‘ so frequently……..

            I only then proceed if I’m blind drunk.

          • jerry

            Early 1990’s, I stopped at a client’s apartment to pick up some tax info…she was a large, boisterous drag/trans performer (lived as a woman) who also had a beauty shop, and did weekend shows anywhere from Detroit to Charlotte. A couple young cute boys from Jehovah’s Witnesses stopped by. How the poor things escaped with their virginity, I really couldn’t say…I ended up collapsing on the kitchen floor laughing.

          • another_steve

            Understood.

            Every six months or so, the Jehovah Witnesses show up at our door. I open the door and they behold my queer glory. I mean, there’s no mistaking it.

            That usually ends the visits for another six months or so.

            Six months later, a new crew of them ring the bell and the cycle repeats.

          • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

            The giggling one obviously didn’t hate fags. He was probably hoping that the hot gay mechanic would be willing to check his dipstick and top off his fluids.

          • Scott Carpenter

            Well, there’s that “no jesus jammies” rule they’d have to follow, so it wouldn’t have worked no matter what.

    • Mrs. Councillor Nugent

      The faux Mormon gay porn is rather, er, energizing.

    • Robincho

      Let’s all send them tots and pairs…

    • Rambie

      There’s a joke in Utah, “Always take two Mormons fishing with you. If you only take one he’ll drink all your beer.”

      • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

        We say the same in Michigan, except they’re Dutch Christian Reformed.

    • Rick Zajac

      Give each other a hand?

  • Reality Check

    It worked for me!

  • Lazycrockett
    • Tawreos

      If I order today can I get a mormon boy delivered for Christmas.

  • penpal

    I make sure that I stay gay at least a few times per week. Maintenance is critical.

  • Do Something Nice

    Just saying that “leaked” and “masturbation” in the same headline. . .

    • Gustav2

      JMG

    • William

      Regular masturbation prevents ‘leaking’.

      • Bambino

        With the threat of prostate cancer for many men, its mandatory to masturbate at least once a day. Beside the GOP is gutting the Obamacare, might as well take the preventive measure.

        • Lars Littlefield

          Oddly enough, there’s medical evidence that is true.

        • Tawreos

          JMG is not only entertaining, but it is informative as well.

        • William

          My partner has difficulty ‘arriving’. Any idea where to buy an electroejaculation unit?

    • Cackalaquiano

      You’re so immature. I like you.

  • Bluto
  • Bluto
    • BlackGayAthetist

      I just choked…normally I do not but God made me do it…

      • obarthelemy

        What did you choke ?

        • BlackGayAthetist

          something my husband gave me

          • jerry

            Pics?

          • BlackGayAthetist

            Come on WHO has time to take pictures it is flying out so FAST…

          • All those folks on tumblr manages to do it 😛

          • BlackGayAthetist

            They are TRUE professionals…I am more of a husband pleaser…

        • Jeffg166

          The chicken.

    • JT

      Always looking for the big “O” and is easily bored.

    • RobynWatts

      Perv!!!

    • If he’s gonna watch I better be getting tips

  • Natty Enquirer

    … and promise to make more Mormons.

  • Boreal
    • Bambino

      If milking a cow is what it feels like, I am jealous of those bovine.

  • Gustav2

    Idiots, not being allowed to masturbate has led to a whole lot of Boy Scout Camping incidents

  • Pollos Hermanos
    • Blake Mason

      The perfect Christmas gift.

    • Treant

      No…really? How is this not child abuse?

      • MT YVR

        I’ve seen men pay good money for one of these made out of wood with leather accoutrements

        THAT’S how that starts.

        So…. velcro is the devil’s training wheels? Awesome!

        • JackFknTwist

          I’ve been on that Cross.

      • Boreal

        Simple rule:
        If it is xtain*, it is not abuse.

        *see xtian privilege.

      • ChrisMorley

        The website is a joke. http://stopmasturbationnow.org/

    • Bambino

      Is there an adult size for our dotard?

      • JackFknTwist

        Maybe you have hit on one of his problems…..not enough wanking.

    • Tawreos

      I bet the same people that would buy this are also the same ones that complained about having to explain two men or two women in love with each other. If you can explain why you are putting your kid in this you can explain gay marriage.

    • AmeriCanadian

      Sorry but if that child can move his nether regions even slightly against that canvas, he can masturbate. You don’t need hands to get off.

      **I first thought this was a spoof. I’m so regretting going to that web site. I thought I had seen real crazy. Surprise!

      • David Walker

        I wonder if they realize that when s/he discovers the rubbing against the canvas sensation that it may lead to igniting creativity in the child. Also, isn’t it a fire hazard?

        • Scott Carpenter

          If the house catches fire and little Timmy burns up, well, god just called him home so he wouldn’t be tempted by his naughty place anymore. It’s that or the fires of hell for eternity.

    • David Walker

      “…for firm, spread-eagle position.” As in #17?

    • Miji

      Prevent them from masturbating now, and get them started on a bondage kink for the rest of their lives!

    • nocadrummer

      Although I remember getting erections (thinking about my tattooed, in-shape, butch next-door neighbor) as a 5 year-old, masturbation came much later… after he’d moved away.

      You see how that ended!

  • Boreal

    No I won’t but I have a wanking good time before I die.

    http://i.imgur.com/ToK5nVS.jpg

    • jerry

      I can multitask, but I’ve never tried it on an extension ladder.

      • jerry

        Step ladder yes, extension ladder no. I guess this puts one more challenge on the bucket list.

      • BobSF_94117

        Isn’t that why they’re called extension ladders?

      • Bambino

        I need a fireman to train me.

        • jerry

          I volunteer to help with hose training.

    • Reality.Bites

      Fleshjack on a harness?

      • Boreal

        Too much potential for injury……………to my member.

    • Treant

      Duly noted. I’ll make sure to put penises in my mouth instead.

      • Bambino

        I got a spare hole or two if need be.

        • Todd20036

          You’re such a giver

          • Bambino

            Tis the season 😛

    • Tawreos

      If your hands are full of the right penis, you won’t need a ladder to reach heaven.

    • Kissmagrits

      Maybe not….but, I might with two hands full of penis.

    • Todd20036

      You keep your make believe heaven

      I’ll touch my dick

      At least I can show you my dick

      • FAEN

        Sure. That works.

  • danolgb

    This explains so much of the conversation I had with my bishop (He was a plumber by trade) when I asked to leave the church. My favorite exchange:
    “Have you ever had sex with a woman?”
    “No.”
    “Then how would you know?”
    “So you’re saying I should have sex with a woman just to find out?”

    • Gustav2

      “Is your daughter available?”

      • danolgb

        His son went on to get a girl pregnant. We’re still good friends.

    • obarthelemy

      Corollary: heteros must have sex with a guy at least once, to make sure. I’m available !

  • HZ81

    If only—then every man would be gay.

  • Boreal
    • skyweaver

      Wow, that was refreshingly straightforward

    • Blake Mason

      … or at least ask a friend to catch it.

    • Lazycrockett

      My RA was a cutie.

      • John30013

        Ooh, so was mine freshman year. Dark and furry, and the very first time I saw him he was in his bathrobe. Swoon! Oh, what fantasies that spawned in this closeted gay boy’s head….

    • teeveedub

      Damn! How much jerking off does it take to damage drains?

    • Bambino

      That must be some strong semen the Penn U students have. But I like to personally witness that myself.

      • JackFknTwist

        Hmmmm, this calls for further on- hand investigation

        • Hunter M

          I think we need to form an investigative committee.

    • So, is the whole Ivy League like that or just Penn? XD

      I do my remember my RA from my first year of college saying that some of us on our hall were taking “excessively long showers,” and in retrospect, I could have told her “Well, at least we’re not getting stuff stuck in the pipes!”

    • Reality.Bites

      I’m so old I remember when they printed these phony notices on dot matrix.

      • Boreal

        I remember using those at work decades ago.

      • Tawreos

        Kids, in my day we chiseled it into a rock and faked Grog’s mark so it would look official

      • AmeriCanadian

        That wasn’t that long ago. I still have my original one in storage. I’m sure it works.

  • cleos_mom

    If that view was factual in the universe as we know it, most of the planet would be gay, in jail or both.

  • gaycuckhubby

    Didn’t work for my college roommate. And fuck, did he try

  • bkmn
  • Rillion

    Huh, must be true, after all I started masturbating at a young age and I turned out gay. /snark. On a serious note, almost every guy masturbates and only a few turn out to be gay.

  • Steve Heath

    As a proud, flaming heterosexual man who was a Mormon until the late 1980s I can confess daily or more self-love in 1981 and in the 36 years since not one of you fine gents move my needle…………………okay, maybe Shemar Moore

    • Gustav2

      The white gay man’s “Halle Berry.”

    • gaycuckhubby

      Lol…
      “Self-masturbation is almost universal among those who engage in homosexual behavior”
      Wait, are you telling us that heterosexuals masturbate too?

      I’ve never heard of such things

      • Gustav2

        Pshaw!

    • JCF

      My (straight) ex-husband and I were in grad school at the same time (early 90s), when those “International Male” catalogs used to arrive (w/ young Shemar Moore showing off the undies). Even *he* couldn’t resist looking!

  • Megrim Twist

    Worked for me.

  • Bluto
    • Boreal

      Where can one find these (male) virgins? Asking for a friend.

      • Chucktech

        Hint: Not in heaven…

    • Ore Carmi

      Someone said that?

      • Bluto

        It seems so.

  • Boreal
    • Silver Badger

      I certainly hope he’s enjoying the show!

  • JT

    They added that mutual masturbation did not have that effect.

  • Chucktech

    Jesus… If that were true, every single male Mormon would be gay. And not all of them are.

    [Edit: I’m guessing this admonition only applies to male Mormons.]

  • bkmn
    • Kissmagrits

      My late mother came up with a great term….”hobosexual”. She said it
      meant a person was a “bum fuck”.

  • Chris Baker

    I guess bcause straight guys never masturbate? Considering how much straight porn there is out there, someone’s watching it, and not just for sex ed purposes.

    • gaycuckhubby

      I mean, I watch straight porn sometimes. And I’m Kinsey 7.
      #TMI

  • safari

    We can trace the modern anti-masturbation movement to a single pamphlet from the early 1700s.

    Research is grand.

    • licuado de platano

      I bet that pamphlet got pretty torn up and rabbit eared over the centuries.

  • Jean-Marc in Canada

    Religion, destroying critical thinking skills since forever.

  • djcoastermark

    Religion, trying to completely screw up youngsters minds for doing what comes (ahem) natural. No wonder this planet is so damn messed up.

  • skyweaver

    I thought that was porn

  • “Self-masturbation is almost universal among those who engage in homosexual behavior…”

    It’s also almost universal among those who engage in heterosexual behavior. Or aspire to either. In other words, most post-pubescent people.

    • Bambino

      Self-masturbation, mutual masturbation, circle jerk, mutual handjobs, and many so call gay sex acts are just sexual behavior. The sexual act itself does not necessary define the orientation. Many young boys and young men experiment the act as part of their sexual awakening. If society is not so “anal” about the whole sex thing, most are more fluid than what they were prescript with.

      • Snarkaholic

        According to the results of a study done a few years ago (I forget by which organization), FIFTY percent of all women who have had at least some college education have engaged (to some degree) sexually with another woman.

    • I thought Omarosa was engaging in lots of self-masturbation promoting her firing and upcoming book yesterday. Problem for her is anyone interesting in being an exhibitionist?

  • Boreal
    • Bambino

      Hmmmmmm that must be one of those pray your gay away therapy I miss out.

      • Lars Littlefield

        Part of the mormosutra.

    • I am not providing a link but mormon boyz has lots of x rated free stuff on it. This is not an adult blog, You can search. Elder Campbell is my favorite.

  • gaycuckhubby

    Meanwhile two of the most succesful porn studios are MormonGirlz and MormonBoyz

    Lots of repressed Mormons. Straight and gay

  • Slippy_World
  • easygoingmister

    I can attest to the fact it was the hunky seniors at all-boy prep school that turned me gay in 1980 during my 7th grade year. Masturbation, discovered that same year, was the tonic that kept me from loosing my mind wanting to make out with each and every one of them….to ‘Reel Around the Fountain’.

    https://youtu.be/V04bUY5Kl8w

  • Bambino

    So all men are homosexuals.

    • AmeriCanadian

      With enough alcohol, yes.

  • Cackalaquiano

    Because suppression of natural feelings is healthy!

    • Snarkaholic

      Using fear and guilt to manipulate the people is a surefire way to ensure each congregation member keeps an open wallet and a closed mouth.

  • JWC

    Religious doctorine and Homosexuality have been n a collision course since time immemeoriam As sexual mores are more permissive today than they were 40 years ago it will become harder and harder for strict dogmas in these cult like religions like the Latter Day Saints or the Christian Scientist to maintain a grip and control in front of education It could spell the demise of both

  • mikeinftl

    So I guess watching gay porn and masturbation turned me gay? What a way to go. However whoever received the toaster oven for me needs to return it.

    • boatboy_srq

      No, no, no: it was you masturbating and YOUR DAD watching pr0n (any variety, apparently, although gay pr0n would be doubly influential).

      • mikeinftl

        Ah I see, dammit dad. Or was it watching “Your Dad is my Porn”?

        • boatboy_srq

          You know, I’ve met fathers like that.

          …what?

      • William

        So his Dad got the toaster oven? Sweet, a win for the whole family.

  • PickyPecker
    • jerry

      So excessive sword play will turn you Japanese?

    • William

      Perhaps you can explain why when this song plays in my head, it always morphs into ‘Lay Down Sally’. Right after the “no sex no drugs no wine no women…” part.

      • m_lp_ql_m

        Same key and tempo?

  • Joseph Miceli

    This is the second time today that some idiot has linked masturbation with turning gay. THAT ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!!!!
    If it was, I’d have had more sexual partners a thirteen!

  • JackNasty

    Even creepier, teenagers are routinely interviewed about their sex lives, including masturbation, by Mormon Bishops. Mormon Bishops are untrained middle aged men, selected largely for their ability to collect money from ward members. The Mormon Church instructs its bishops to conduct these intrusive, perverse interviews.

    • Lee Grupsmith-Pedersen

      From what my husband (the ex-Mormon) told me, bishops have little to no training in ANYTHING, other than having a will-to-power ambition. They look just like everyone else–just a suit. At least I can tell an Episcopal bishop when I meet one…

      • JackNasty

        The purple shirts with collars, mitres, and croziers give them away.

        • Lee Grupsmith-Pedersen

          My favorite bishop is very short and she says she loves wearing the mitre because it adds to her height. She also has a strong Joizy accent and a wicked sense of humor. Not something I ever encountered in a Mormon “bishop”.

      • RoFaWh

        “Pastoral counselling” needs to require its practitioners to be licensed, the prerequisites for the license including at least a bachelors degree in psychology plus training specifically for prospective pastoral counsellors.

        Then apply this to religious organizations.

        I can hear the screams of outrage now.

    • Snarkaholic

      There are ways around that problem. For example, if you let the shower spray bring you to orgasm, then you can truthfully tell your inquisitors that, no, you didn’t touch yourself for pleasure!

      • I remember some Catholic friends telling me that they got “free passes” with erections in gym showers — and also about (I remember the term) “nocturnal emissions” from the brothers in High School. Growing boys will be boys, and the main thing is to continue to win those Football Championships for Holy Trinity so the alumni continue to write the donation checks – and Notre Dame keeps it on the schedule as a “feeder school” (that is the term) for Fighting Irish talent.

        • licuado de platano

          Joliet Catholic HS?

  • Mark Cross

    “…current church teaching on homosexuality is somewhat more tolerant.”
    Yeah, you know, so tolerant that they don’t just openly call for gay people to kill themselves. That wouldn’t be good “optics”.

    • vorpal

      I still love the incredibly depressing, “It Gets Better at Brigham Young University” YouTube video they released.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym0jXg-hKCI

      If that’s what “better” looks like, shoot (all over) me now.

      • jerry

        Yeah, they were probably all expelled for this.

        • vorpal

          So… was there expulsion because they’re gay, or are they gay because of expulsion?

          I’M SO CONFUSED.

  • vorpal

    MormonLeaks Masturbation.
    Heh.

    • JWC

      Mawnin

      • vorpal

        Mid-afternoon (3:15 here), but close enough. 😸

        • JWC

          1015 here

          • vorpal

            I hope your morning is treating you well!
            Email received… will write back maybe later today, definitely tomorrow at the latest as I have a ton of work to get through (just started a new project) and then plans tonight!

  • bkmn
  • boatboy_srq

    That picture.

    Here in Beltwayland, those of us who know refer to the local temple as Minas Mormon. It fits – especially at night when it’s floodlit. Now I see there’s a Barad-Dumb to go with it.

  • PickyPecker
    • Treant

      What happens if you play She-Bop and Mmmbop at the same time?

      • safari

        I posted one joke, but then realized Mmmbop was young Hanson.

        I’m going to guess Chris Hansen appears.

    • RobynWatts
    • safari

      I have never seen this video until now.

      It is amazing.

    • Oscarlating Wildely

      ….oh the 80s…..

  • Gigi

    If this were true, most people would be gay.

    • boatboy_srq

      You say that like it’s not so.

  • OdieDenCO

    hairy palms. nope!
    blind. nope!
    gay. yep! must have been retroactive I was gay before I discovered my favorite toy.

  • billbear1961

    Did it make THEM gay?

    Assholes.

  • PickyPecker
    • The_Wretched

      His poor ankles.

  • Girlgoon

    , So is that the latest addition the 1981

  • billbear1961

    Self-masturbation is a problem?

    Okay, make it mutual.

    • Boreal

      That’s why mormon boys travel in pairs.

      • billbear1961

        For the passion!

    • William

      That’s what friends are for.

    • JackFknTwist

      Not when the BF uses my prostate to work me into a frenzy.

  • PickyPecker
    • billbear1961

      O_O

  • Girlgoon

    Rodney dangerfield the 1st time I had sex I was so scared cause I was all alone

  • another_steve

    Ohmigod! A dear Baltimore friend of my husband’s and mine – James Magruder – is going to Broadway! San Francisco first, then Broadway.

    The most lovely, talented guy you’ll ever meet.

    Read all about it!

    http://www.headoverheelsthemusical.com/

  • Rex

    Um, that explains a lot, well, in my case anyway.

  • ETownCanuck
  • Girlgoon

    What if your gay before you start masturbating will that make you straight

    • billbear1961

      Hell, no!

    • Bambino

      How can men not be gay? Spending nine months caressing those thick umbilical cord inside momma’s tummy?

  • Missionary, the movie — see it. It is on Netflix or you can rent it. It is a fatal attraction heterosexual movie with incredibly hot Aussie Mitch Ryan playing the role of a nutjob Mormon missionary who will not take no for an answer – in Florida of course. The sex scenes are so hot, he is so good at being rough and dom. Kept me sinning for a while. I thought the play on words title of the movie was cute. https://youtu.be/Sr6HpNF0an4

    • This definitely relates to my experience with these men. Patriarchy gets *so* up into their heads that they think they can do whatever the hell they want! Talk about unchecked privilege!

      • Really? I have never seen them “canvassing” anywhere where I lived . Now I want to invite them inside! I want to look at Mitch Ryan’s arms.

        • madknits

          I was accosted by them in Boston’s Cleveland Circle neighbourhood, a more Jewish area you won’t find outside of Israel. I just asked them weren’t they too old to believe in fairy tales and magic spectacles, and the Angel Moron.

        • No surprise that a white cis male would find a way to somehow take advantage of this.

      • MaryJOGrady

        My poor second-younger sister was stuck in Salt Lake City for some years because of her husband’s work. They were the focus of neighborhood gossip because of the beer bottles in their curbside recycling bins. The little Mormon boys were so mean to my wonderful little niece! They are brought up to think they are future deities of their very own planets, and it really does go to their tiny heads.

    • billbear1961
  • shivadog

    So all men are gay?

    • Karl Dubhe 2

      Works for me. 🙂

      Oh, wait.

    • Only the straight ones when they are drunk.

      • Bambino

        Or while their wives and girlfriends are conveniently not available.

  • edrex

    i masturbate to keep myself gay.

  • Bambino

    Maybe a 2017 update is coming. Masturbating while fingering will make you gay? Masturbating while pinching your nipple? Masturbating while pulling your balls?

  • Snarkaholic

    Criminals??? Having an orgasm drains your body of accumulated stress, making you LESS prone to committing a crime.

  • Blake J Butler
    • andrew

      Now I’m masturbating.

  • Goodboy

    There fixed it. We are talking about Mormons after all….‘Sexual relations are reserved for a man and his multiple woman who are married and promise complete loyalty to each other.’

    • jerry

      …and all while keeping the magic underpants on.

  • SFBruce

    Apparently, there were no men involved in formulating this stupid theory. Every man on the planet knows that if jerking off made you gay, every man would be gay.

  • JWC

    A total fucked up belief system that is completly flawed Pretty much sounds like a definition of organized religion

  • Princess Lardass

    “Self-masturbation is almost universal among those who engage in homosexual behavior, and is a very difficult habit for most to overcome.”

    And I bet they think it’s absolutely unheard of among those who engage in heterosexual behavior within the confines of marriage.

  • MaryJOGrady

    How perfectly idiotic.
    My father, a Roman Catholic psychiatrist who practiced until 4 days before he died in 1991, was known to remark publicly, “96% of adolescents masturbate, and 4% lie about it.” (His own church also condemns masturbation, but he did not want teenagers to suffer emotionally because of that.)

  • Oscarlating Wildely

    And if you use both hands, you come out bi. That’s what did it to me. Swing both ways, swing for the stars, kids.

    • The_Wretched

      Is that both at the same time?

      • Oscarlating Wildely

        On the really good days, why yes! its that and my feet.

      • licuado de platano

        Something has to operate the mouse.

  • Gregory In Seattle

    Only a cult would try to control people in this way.

    • andrew

      All religions do it, whether you label them cults, sects, churches or whatever.

    • RoFaWh

      Try any cult check list on the Momos. They scored pretty high!

  • William

    Once again, time for Dalton Trumbo’s Masturbatory Epistle to His Son.

    https://youtu.be/9zB0urrukXQ

    • David Walker

      I hadn’t known about this. Thank you soooooooo much. Nathan Lane delivered the monologue as if he identified somewhat with the subject matter. “Cowering there in seminal darkness.” My mother, goddess love her, did her best to stop me. We had a village semi-idiot; she blamed his mental state on masturbation. Didn’t work. In fact (sorry, Ma) none of it worked, although I will say that the best was that I’d get “elephantitis.” This one puzzled me. I wasn’t that big, certainly not elephantine, and what did sore elephants have to do with anything? [Confused, the poor child retired to his room.]

      • William

        When this played on PBS, I nearly hyperventilated from laughing.

  • mad-dog

    I’m an active ally, but I’m straight and (relatively) law-abiding. Does masturbation only have this effect on Mormons, or am I just not doing enough of it?

    • David Walker

      Thank you for your ally-ship. I think the answer to your question is that you need to find yourself a safe ‘mo and let him teach you, by example and by hands-on training, what you’re missing.

  • Pip

    I honestly just came here for the comments.

    • William

      Wanker.

      • Pip

        Well, dear William, that should be obvious if you go by their guidelines.

  • Nic Peterson

    Secret document? F-ing amateurs. I had a priest get up in front of class every god-damned day (co-ed) and ramble on and on about the mortal sin of masturbation. He would then remind us that confession was available in between classes.

    • JackFknTwist

      Yeah, why were they all so hung up on wanking ?

      They gave us all guilt complexes…….but that didn’t stop me wanking several times a day until it hurt…..then some more.

      And always to images of big cock. Yeah it made me gay.
      “Difficult to overcome” ????
      I wouldn’t know. I’ve never tried to overcome it.

      • Lars Littlefield

        Bravo!

        • JackFknTwist

          We’re all in the same boat, right ?

        • JackFknTwist

          But I was definitely gay before I devoted myself to wanking.
          I was the chicken before the egg, gaywise….. it’s like all my childhood I was wondering what to do with my cock……and then boom, really good spurting.

      • Nic Peterson

        The guilt was crushing but the urge to experience that fleeting bliss was undeniable and would not be ignored. Almost 40 years later it’s one thing that does not disappoint.

        • JackFknTwist

          Agreed…..they really tried to harm our psyche with the ‘sin’ shit….
          The biggest advance in my wanking life was when my US BF showed me how to wank with prostate stimulation.That’s my favourite wank, really deep stimulation and penetration.

        • JackFknTwist

          I think my reply was removed…..just because I was talking about my BF showing me the prostate stimulation trick while wanking. It’s great.

          • Nic Peterson

            I get your drift. *wink*

      • JackFknTwist

        Actually, I have never had a female image in my head when wanking…….it has always been cock…….never anything remotely feminine. Kinsey 6 + , I guess.

        • Gianni

          I’m right there with you. In my younger years, I had done it with women a couple of times, but my mind only played man- images during the sex. If I actually thought about their bodies, I’d never have been able to finish.

    • RepublicansRNotConservative

      He was probably cruising his audience.

  • Long Tom

    JFC, that’s just what the world needs! A bunch of sexually-frustrated, horny fucking Mormons running around everywhere!

  • JoyZeeBoy

    … is a very difficult habit for most to overcome….

    HELL, YEAH! Anything that feels that good HAS to be bad!!!

  • Marides48

    Hey, it works for me Mormons.

  • AdamTh

    Did they borrow that from the Southern Baptists of the 30-40’s? I remember hearing that BS from the southern bigots in the 60’s – so I’m sure it would have been “well established doctrine” by then…..

  • andrew

    The Mormons aren’t the only crazies. The Roman Catholic Church still teaches that masturbation is a mortal sin and if not confessed and forgiven damns the soul to burn in hell for eternity. Most Catholics ignore the Church’s teachings on sexuality, but it is still the official teaching. They use to call masturbation “self abuse.”

    • ChrisMorley

      The RC church is bonkers about masturbation, but it is not a Mortal Sin (straight to Hell), just an ordinary slippery Venal Sin, which can be sorted with 5 Our Fathers and a couple of Hail Marys and a resolution not to do it again. You are not supposed to cross your fingers when you say you won’t do it again.
      My solution was to stop going to Confession and wank even more.

      • andrew

        It’s still classified as a mortal sin, as are all sexual acts that are not open to procreation.

    • Mike

      I entered catholic high school in 1971, and the brothers told us there are two kinds of teenage boys: those who masturbate and those who lie about masturbating. In other words, yank away boys and don’t feel bad about it. The brothers were good guys.

      I don’t know what they do to cripple young minds today, but there was a brief window between Vatican 2 and Pope JP2 when the church was slightly less loathsome. JP2 put an end to that.

  • 1980Gardener

    I noticed Newsweek uses the present tense “believes” – is that correct? This document is about 35 years old and I haven’t seen anything that indicates it is official church view today.

  • anne marie in philly

    I must be doing it wrong; been masturbating for 50+ years and I STILL ain’t gay! I haz da sadz!

  • DaveMiller135

    “Masturbation Will Probably Turn [You] Gay”

    If you do it with the right guy, it can have a real effect on speeding you down that path.

  • R.J. Kennedy

    So THAT’S what did it!

  • DaveMiller135

    “Self-masturbation is almost universal among those who engage in
    homosexual behavior, and is a very difficult habit for most to
    overcome.”

    Given that 95% of men admit to masturbating, and the other 5% are lying, it is reasonable to expect that all homosexuals have masturbated. And all heterosexuals, bisexuals and probably even most asexuals.

  • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

    This would help explain the short documentaries about horny Mormon men that I’ve been watching on Pornhub.

  • Xaca

    Just wait until they leak the study from 1982 that shows incest rates between Mormon fathers and daughters at more than 70%, and among church leadership families higher than 90%.

  • Chris Lion

    So, how does mutually masturbating with a cute Mormon boy come into effect? Asking for a friend…

  • Dunkerblinker

    Then there should be a whole lot more of us!!

  • Spongebob CrankyPants

    That explains it.

  • Gianni

    Now there’s an explanation I can understand. I never went blind or got the predicted hairy palms. I see the punishment was much more than I ever could have hoped for. Somehow it went from handling my own to handling others and then putting the others into my mouth. I had no idea at the beginning how climbing that ladder would be such a demanding and exciting feeling. I hope when these idiots figure out a way to actually convince the boys to not “abuse” themselves, they let the Catholic Church know about it because they’ve been trying to stop the boys for many generations longer than the Mormons.

  • Hmmm. I knew I liked boys years before my nuts dropped so my being gay caused me to masturbate – to hot guys (otters, bears, bearcubs….) – once they did drop.

  • Rick Zajac

    So that’s what happened.

  • Ore Carmi

    “Self-masturbation is almost universal among those who engage in homosexual behavior, and is a very difficult habit for most to overcome.” Are you freaking kidding me? First of all, what the fuck “self-masturbation?” Also, you don’t say masturbation is almost universal among gay folks–that’s because it’s almost universal among all folks!

  • eddie beskeddie

    “Self-masturbation is almost universal among those who engage in homosexual behavior, and is a very difficult habit for most to overcome.” This is why I always seek a helping hand to help me overcome self-masturbation.

  • DesertSun59

    ‘Self-masturbation is almost universal among those who engage in homosexual behavior…’

    Almost?

  • DesertSun59

    I believe http://www.mormonboyz.com proves their point…

    🤣

  • Chris Bartlett

    I was dis-fellowshipped twice from the Mormon church due to masturbation as a teen. It finally came down to a choice, Mormonism or jerking off.
    It really wasn’t a hard choice.