Christian Group That Covered Up Sexual Assault Prays For God To “Anoint The Briefs” Of Anti-Gay Baker

Today’s prayer from the Family Research Council:

May God preserve and protect the freedom of Christians and other Americans whose consciences say, “God made marriage between a man and a woman.” May He powerfully anoint the briefs and arguments presented to the Court on behalf of Jack Phillips. May He specifically intervene to guide each member of the Supreme Court to uphold religious freedom for every American and to stop the widespread recrimination of LGBT activists against Christians. (Lev 19:15; Dt 25:1; Is 54:17; Dan 3: all; Acts 5:29; Gal 5:1; Eph 6:10-20; 1 Tim 1:5; Titus 1:15; Heb 10:22)

It’s now been two weeks and Tony Perkins has remained silent on widespread reports that he covered up the sexual assault of a teenager by the Ohio Republican for whom Perkins had been raising money that very night in the hotel where the assault allegedly took place.

  • Jonathan Smith

    I’m not even touching this one.

    • clay

      You know it’s God doing the anointing when it happens without touching it.

      • (((GC)))
        • MT YVR

          … Ok so Satan is a nickname of mine. Yes. But…

          There was a guy. Lovely man. Very much closeted but visiting Vancouver from said closet in a small town. So we meet, we decide this is good chemistry and we go back to his hotel room.

          And so we have a moment of him against the window, me behind him and I LIVED THE DREAM, MAN. I looked over his shoulder and said, as we’re engaged shall we say, “Oh, hey. Look. You can see my apartment from here. Wave at my husband.”

          I then rounded out the encounter by making sure he had a hands free experience. Which… was a surprise to him.


  • Cuberly Deux
    • greenmanTN

      I love that.

  • Will Parkinson

    May he also lead you from your lies and perversions of the truth, you douche.

  • bkmn

    O/T – loved this slam. (This woman writes for Washington Monthly which I highly recommend)

  • shellback

    And when gawd says; “Toni, fuck off. I’ll do what I want.” Then, will you go away?

  • bkmn

    Tony has anointed many a brief in his day, he just doesn’t like to talk about it.

  • MikeBx2

    I’m more of an anointed boxer kind of guy.

    • clay

      Sometimes you need a little more room to back up, stretch out, and get a good running start at that anointing.

    • MT YVR

      And the Lord sayeth unto you,
      In the fullness of balls, let them be free
      Let mine people free
      And lo, blessed are the commando.

      • Linsey

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    • CPT_Doom

      Gotta go with the anointed boxer briefs. Leg room & comfy fit!

    • April

      Yes, we need to make lame jokes over an extremely important Supreme Court case.

      • Robincho

        You are the reason my grandmother would invite certain people to dessert, but never to dinner…

        • April

          If the haters win this case the only only place you may be able to stay overnight might just be your grandmothers place. Public accommodation laws will be destroyed.

          • Blackfork


      • Nick in Pasadena

        Often humor is the only way to stay sane these days. Making jokes doesn’t trivialize the issue, but helps us cope with the day-to-day insanity we face.

        • jmax

          You said that more kindly and eloquently than I would have. Thank you.

        • April

          True but right now we really need to be serious. The religious fundamentists aren’t joking. They are literally gunning for LGBT folks.

          • netxtown

            I don’t think I can stay steadfastly serious until the Supremes render a decision. Besides, it is in their hands now – and nothing I do or say is gonna change that. I guess i could send thoughts and prayers….but PerKKKy’s anointing has ruined my vibe.

          • Judas Peckerwood

            “True but right now we really need to be serious. The religious fundamentists aren’t joking.”

            That’s been the case for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. When are we allowed to laugh?

          • Stogiebear

            Right after we offer up a novena to the BVD that April’s panties be smoothed and flattened. It seems they be mightily and righteously twisted.

          • April

            Joke away funny man when you (or someone you care about) are turned away from the hospital emergency room when the doctor won’t help you due to you being gay. This case is more than wedding cakes.

          • Judas Peckerwood

            Lots of us here lived through the 1980s and 1990s and buried lots of friends who got turned away by medical providers.

            Remember who your audience is the next time you feel the urge to pontificate.

          • cleos_mom

            April, I’m pretty sure everyone has already thought of that.

    • Paula

      I was gonna’ say, How do they know he wears briefs?

    • Steverino

      lol. There are guys aplenty on xtube who offer gladly to anoint briefs for any viewers who are interested.

    • Butch

      “Remember when we yoked your balls? Straightened your back right up.”

  • Treant

    I think I just went into an unparalleled and rather vicious fury. It’s not this particular story, it’s the fact that a decnt chunk of the major interactions I’ve had today have been with idiots, reading stories about idiots, being called names by idiots, or attempting to reason with idiots. This is just the straw, etc.

    I’m gonna take a short nap.

    • Ninja0980

      I took a walk earlier.

    • Tread

      Again, there’s been an influx of trolls in the past few days. Something heavy is coming.

      • Treant

        Oh, hell, this is even some established people. My executive decision is that, if you intentionally misread what I’m saying and it’s obvious, or you simply insult me because you’re not reading it and it’s triggering you, or you have to mention that I block people who are assholes? Please let me know so I can block your useless, stupid, ignorant, incoherent, illiterate, narrow-minded fuckin’ ass.

        We’ll all be happier and my New Year’s resolution is to trim the trash out of my life anyway. Might as well get a head start on this particular cycle.

        • Tread

          I feel you on that. Everyone is angry and without people to actually focus it on, we’re taking it out on each other. Trump’s legacy will be the psychological damage he’s done to Americans over the past year.

          • Falconlights

            Even when we manage to get this country back on track, there will be years, if not decades deal with the psychological mess he will leave behind.

          • Tread

            The gaslighting, the brainwashing, all of it is fucked.

          • Falconlights

            It certainly is. And yet you find political purists at AlterNet and other sites refusing to accept at least some responsibility for the mess created by this cretin and his buddies.

    • Boreal

      I’m drinking. It’s been a shit day in a shit week.

      • Ragnar Lothbrok

        I’m on #3…6 more to go !

      • Falconlights

        Think I’ll have my wife make a LARGE Angel’s Tip.

    • I feel like that has been every day since the US had a revolution a year ago and formed a Stu-topia.

      • (((GC)))

        Bought and paid for by the Kochs, the Mercers, and other oligarchs.

    • bkmn

      Word of advice for later – it is a waste of time to argue with idiots, especially if they have already made up their minds.

      • Todd20036

        Yup. They’ll beat you down with experience

      • Treant

        Agreed. I’m just amazed at the huge percentage of idiots in the world.

        • bkmn

          I think half of them are paid agitators courtesy of Putin, the Kochs and the Mercers.

          • Treant

            And some have been here a while. Although in one case, past run-ins pointed out that the level of reasonability wasn’t that high to begin with, so better gone there. 🙂

    • Ragnar Lothbrok

      In your briefs ?

      • Treant

        Pajamas, actually.

    • Judas Peckerwood

      Never try to reason with idiots. It’s a complete waste of time and will only leave you feeling frustrated.

    • romanhans

      I could post that flowers are pretty and thirty people would scream that for once I should think about all the people who want to see the ground.

      • Treant

        Whereas I’ll tell you that the ground and the flowers are both rather attractive at times… 🙂

  • TKW
  • JWC

    Which Briefs “legal: or “Fruit of the loom”

  • Henry Auvil

    I used to anoint my briefs so much my mom made me pay for extra laundry detergent out of my allowance.

  • Boreal
    • glass

      It should say “superior” instead of “important”.

      • Boreal

        It should, but I pilfered it from the interwebs and am too lazy to photoshop it.

        • glass

          It’s ok, you are forgiven, and are still eligible for free blow jobs. 🙂

  • Anastasia Beaverhousen

    Sometimes I like to anoint Moreman briefs. Did I spell that wrong?

  • clay

    “the widespread recrimination of LGBT activists against Christians”

    Tony just admitted that his side started this.

    • GanymedeRenard

      Good catch.

  • WitlessProtection

    His followers simply do not care. They will obfuscate, misdirect, defend, and send this jerk money still.

  • Phil

    What if he wears boxers or goes commando?????

  • Harveyrabbit

    When I was in my teens I could anoint my briefs a half dozen times a day. Now not so much.

    • clay

      As I age, I no longer worry about chrism, but contemplate holy water down the line.

  • bkmn
    • Ninja0980

      Not a surprise at all.

      • bkmn

        I virtually assumed that is the case, if it is dirty then Mercer money is behind it. See Bannon, Steve.

        • Falconlights

          Took the keystrokes right out of my fingers.

    • Boreal

      I was pretty sure they were behind this.

    • Lumpy Gaga

      All these RWNJs turning on O’Keefe is because they want the $$ Bobby has been handing out.

  • geoffalnutt

    I used to do that all the time. Sometimes it was my eye, sometimes it was my hair, sometimes it was the coffee table, sometimes it was a bush, sometimes it was the sleeping dog, sometimes it was the car seat, sometimes it was a passerby.

  • Natty Enquirer
    • clay

      Sent me looking for “oily bohunk” quotes from Pretty in Pink,
      except the movie should have been Sixteen Candles.

  • Boreal
    • Falconlights

      Ah, Oscar. Thank you for the timely reminder, Boreal.

  • Boo Hoo

    Hmm…I haven’t anointed my briefs since…

    Ahh, I can’t lie. It was yesterday.

  • another_steve

    I’m beyond the subtleties. I want results.

    Surrender Jared to us. Strip him.

    Let us sodomize him.

    • Ben in Oakland

      The royal we?

      • another_steve

        You’re just jealous, Ben, because your boys have either abandoned you or are otherwise ensnared.

        Jared remains mine.

        After five years of sharing a prison cell with Bruno the Horny (who’s serving a 30-year sentence for aggravated sexual assault), Jared will embrace me.

        I will be his Jewish Messiah.

        • Ben in Oakland

          He’s all yours.

  • April

    If they had a good case they would not need to beg and name-drop god to win.

  • Dot Beech

    A bunch of zealots got thrown out of Europe 400 years ago for acting like this.

    It’s time to do it again. Put them all on a boat and send it out to sea.

  • Friday

    Yeah, the guy doesn’t want ‘recriminations’ from the people he’s reduced his entire religion down to oppressing with vicious lies and dirty politics, and covering for many crimes.

    Psst, Tony. Religious freedom for every American means you can’t enforce your version of your religion on the rest of us, full stop. Lady Justice is listening.

  • Robincho

    I’d anoint the briefs of Jack Phillips, but I’ve got WAY better briefs to anoint, briefs occupied by WAY better men than Jack Phillips…

  • GanymedeRenard

    It bears repeating. Always:

    “This animal. This cretin. This travesty. This demon. This parasite. This blight. This twisted purveyor of evil. This insidious enemy of everything for which Christ stood. This sickening mule. This heartless charlatan. This shameless huckster. This vile opportunist. This creator of human suffering. This trafficker in pain. This braying bully. This puffing affront to decency.
    This preening, flag-waving goon.
    This grinning, slavering creature who, in exchange for money, induces children to commit suicide.
    This odorous, rotten chum pretending he’s nourishment.
    This lover of hate.
    If you’re a Christian who actually understands and cares about Christ, please tell anyone who will listen that Tony Perkins is to Christianity what a slimy, chewing worm is to a perfectly wonderful apple.”

    ~John Shore~

  • justmeeeee

    If the Lawd didn’t want same sex marriage, and (just supposin’ the Lawd is real, though we all know he ain’t)…wouldn’t the Lawd just make the same sex marriage go ‘way, rather than try to proteck the baker who is agin’ it?

  • Ben in Oakland

    Tony wants his briefs anointed? And here i thought he was a boxers kinda guy.

  • OdieDenCO

    that is more curse than prayer.

  • Mike Knife

    The anti-gay Christians are the real perverts who hide their sex crimes, just ask Roy Moore the Christian pedophile. He should join the Catholic pedophile cult.

  • Tom Ato

    “anoint the briefs” that’s just too easy, so I won’t take the bait.

    • Ben in Oakland

      I did it for you.

  • Jean-Marc in Canada

    Of course they did….what was the anointing with….Asian Cream of Sum Yung Guy?

  • Lee Grupsmith-Pedersen

    Sweetie, the ointment goes somewhere else…did you learn nothing from your mother?

    I’ve been told that these are LEGAL briefs. Well, shoe.

  • Richard B

    Is this a hateful group of religious zealots masquerading as Christians or what?
    They never ask themselves, “what would Jesus do?”
    All they want to do is discriminate against the LGBTQ and use religion as their excuse.
    Where will it end?
    What if they want to use religion to extend their discrimination to a mixed race couple?
    Tony Perkins has been involved with and spoken before white supremacists groups in the south and also has bought mailing lists from the former KKK Grand Dragon, David Duke.
    Maybe when the pendulum swings and the democrats are back in charge, we should lobby congress to make laws that discriminate against hate groups.

  • LeeCMH

    Tony Perkins — TP — Toilet Paper

  • popebuck1

    Eww. I officially no longer want a cake from there.

    • in the shape of Men’s Briefs?

      • popebuck1

        Not if someone’s going to be anointing them, thank you very much. I prefer to take care of that kind of thing myself.

  • Bob Conti

    Yes. I always sprinkle my briefs with holy water and pass the thurifer over it a few times to incense it so it smells nice for the judge and hopefully give it a little extra ooomph because, you know, they’ve been sanctified. Still, doesn’t always work.

    • drbrentzenobia

      That’s because you didn’t “powerfully” anoint them. That requires abstaining for a few days. Or else, some kegel exercises.

      • and some leather. don’t forget a leather jock strap

  • If Tony Perkins anoints his own briefs, then Leviticus says wherever he goes he has to shout out “UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!”

  • JCF

    Duggar Duggar Duggar Duggar Duggar Duggar Duggar Duggar Duggar Duggar Duggar Duggar Duggar Duggar Duggar Duggar Duggar Duggar Duggar Duggar…

  • Gigi

    I’ve been hammering Perky on the FRC FB page. Sent lots of private messages condemning him too. Still haven’t been blocked.

    • Chuck in NYC

      He has to take a break from blocking people every now and then when he retreats to touch up his hair.

      • Gigi

        I think the person who mods the FRC FB page hates him and lets negative comments about him stay on indefinitely.

  • TampaDink

    Are annointed briefs the evilgilical answer to mormon magic underwear?

  • EdmondWherever

    I’m all for this. They also prayed for God to confuse the minds and judgments of the SCOTUS judges in the Obergefell ruling, and that turned out just fine. Go God Go!

  • northern_neighbour

    I dunno … God must be pretty powerless or distracted if he needs Toni KKK to pray for anointed briefs to be powerful … Roy Moore apparently had more Powerful Stuff in his Briefs than the Almighty, although very few believe the 9 (so far) Women on that score.

    Those Jezebel Delilahs of Etowah County in ‘Bama !!!
    Those DAMN BITCHES … You tell em Roy !!

    What is it with this Wrathful, Vengeful not sharing with any other Gods Before Me Thou Shalt Not Gawd of Southern Decadence anyhow. ???

    Zeus himself was far more Multi Potent up there, flying down to impregnate the beauties of Classical Greece, including Ganymede, the Male Youth he turned Gay. OH OH !! … but how old was he anyways, was that Statutory Rape or just Todd Akins style Rape. ?? And except for that irresistible Grecian Laddie, all the Concubines of Zeus were soon Heavy with Child after a Single One Night Stand. Yet the Feeblus Jeebus God needs Toni KKK’s incantations and machinations …. ??? What ??? … is the Old Man Upstairs on some kind of Life Support Machine??

    I just don’t get it …. America the Beautiful with your AK-15 Open Carry Christians!

    Amerika, … You used to See the USA in your Chevrolet and now Y’all just want to Shit on practically every Non-Supremacist of colour, gender or creed or origin before You Blow Their Fukin’ Brains Out at the shooting range, or more likely just down the street cuz they looked your way with Fear in their little Welfare Immigrant Eyes while being Black or Unlawfully Impregnated, or Exploited, or Uppity, or Hungry, or they were Sikh … ing some other “Truth” than your own Infallible/Timeless Gawd Truth and dressing the part, the perverted little Sharia Slutty Tattle Tale Telling Roy Moore Accusers doing Satan’s battle for him, while carrying Kenyan birth certificates with Calves like Canteloupes and Kneeling, Arm-linked before the Stars and Stripes with Cocaine bags strapped to their Suicide belts. Like Trayvon Martin … Update on Fox Affiliates at Six.

    I know Kennedy is a conservative Catholic kind of guy, but I hope he realises the country is rapidly …. falling apart … because every Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Sailor, Cake Bake r./Muck Raker, Is so damn Entitled Hell Bent on not respecting the Personhood of the sacred American Public … (Silent hand of the Market) … Consumer. …. whose private Love life is NONE OF YOUR GODDAM BUSINESS!!

    And Kennedy already knows the surpassing Dignity of that part … cuz he wrote all about it in 2015.

    And Jesus Christ, I swear that most folks, who usually have at least One big Mote in their Own Eye, will probably have to order their Cakes from the Drones at AMAZON … if Toni KKK’s feeble Gawd gets his way.

    And all cuz Jack Phillips will not FUCKING BAKE you a cake…

  • Gianni

    I remember when I used to anoint my briefs. It was usually in school, a movie theater, or some such public place. Tony, why don’t you get a real job and stop living off the charity of fools and mind your own business. Try to remember something, Tony – If there is a feud going on between gay people and Christians (specifically, Christians like you and yours), it’s because you and your kind started it. You just weren’t expecting the blowback from those pathetic gay people.

  • Mark Cross