Jim Bakker Launches 24-Hour Home Shopping Channel

End Times scamvangelist and bisexual felon Jim Bakker has launched a 24-hour live-streaming home shopping network, where you can buy his food slop buckets, Jesus trinkets, Mike Huckabee books, and various tributes to God’s Chosen One, Donald Trump.

On sale TODAY ONLY are $125 tubs of hydrolyzed collagen so that you will look your best when God rains down his righteous genocide upon the people who totally fucking deserve it for not loving him enough.

You can watch the grifting right here. According to Bakker, the network costs “$17,000 per hour” to operate.

  • Stubenville

    All slop food buckets all the time? Or just selling cheap trinkets made by impoverished children in third-world sweatshops?

    • Ben in Oakland

      Which would you prefer to buy?

      • Stubenville

        None of it. I wouldn’t feed the slop to animals, I don’t knowingly buy from sweatshops, and I have fairly good taste. And I wouldn’t want to support Bakker in any way, [sits on hands]

        • Ben in Oakland

          I was being facetious. 🙃🙂😇

          Earlier this year, we donated to a hunger organization run by evangelicals. I told the husband that I did not wish to donate to any Christian organization, but he really wanted to, as some of his coworkers said it was a great organization. When we send in our money, we sent in a note saying we did not wish to receive any further appeals this year. Within a few weeks, we had received four more. I sent them a note and said please, No more solicitations. Within a few weeks, we received several more, including some fairly big items, and a stamped envelope, not a business reply mail envelope. We sent them another note, basically cussing them out and demanding they take us off mailing list. They sent us for five mailers more after that, at which point, I sent them a very clearly worded letter saying that I was retired and would have the time to pursue them in whatever evangelical channels were necessary to get them to stop. We still received three more appeals, including some more expensive ones.

          We will never make that mistake again.

          • Stubenville

            My Father has been dead for over thirty years and would be over 100 if he were still living. I still get random solicitations addressed to him from various charities, and they just go in the recycling bin.

          • Ben in Oakland

            I still get mail address to my late boyfriend who died 25 years ago, with my last name, which he never took. And also for the lady who built my house, also dead for 25 years.

  • bkmn

    We really need to push for legislation that prevents the IRS from giving tax exempt status to these frauds, especially after they have already been busted for fraud.

    • JackFknTwist

      Have they not just pushed for the exact opposite?

      • BearEyes

        tax exemption AND political meddling.

      • bkmn

        I’ve been seeing things about this tax bill that will benefit the fraud pastors quite a bit.

  • Phil

    Let’s see, that comes to nearly $1.5 million per year to operate this scam (just operating expenses – not profit.) Just proves PT Barnum hit the nail on the head: “There’s a sucker born every minute and two more to take him.”

  • JackFknTwist

    Great ! There’s a “Cross Special”….and Mike Huckabee remaindered books.
    This is my lucky day.

    • Ben in Oakland

      A cross special?

      Sounds like a double cross to me.

      • JackFknTwist

        Pastor Jim’s “cross Special” for $15.00………………….I’ve ordered 5 for myself ……there’s a lot of demons to keep at bay…….
        Begone, Dave !
        [ Dave the demon, hot !]

  • JT

    Jim Bakker Launches 24-Hour Home Shopping Channel

    Bakker: Eat my shit and you’ll survive Armageddon. No, really! My shit has magical powers.

  • JoeMyGod

    $17K per hour = $148,920,000 per year.

    • coram nobis

      Fun with math!

    • perversatile

      Have you tried Jim’s “Washed in the Blood of the Lamb” Bubble Bath?

    • kaydenpat

      So he’s lying? The cannot be true.

      • KentDean

        I guess I must be getting cynical in my old age, but, you know, I’m beginning to think he’s nothing more than a common huckster!

    • Salton

      Probably there’s one zero too many!

    • rickr442

      2000 ‘work hours’. C mon, you wouldn’t expect this crook to break a sweat, would you?

  • Mike C

    Watch out, Comedy Central!

  • Boreal
    • JackFknTwist

      Hmmmmm, pigs and trough come to mind.

    • Anastasia Beaverhousen

      I’ve been queasy all day.. now you have thrown me over the edge.

      • MusicBear88

        Just try more vodka.

        • coram nobis

          Ouzo will settle it better.

      • Joe in PA

        Vodka-Pepto cocktail. Fix ya right up!

        • vorpal

          Ugh… given that hideous bright pink potato sack that Sarah Huckabee-Sanders wriggles into every so often, the mere mention of pink Pepto now makes me feel nauseated.

          • Silver Badger

            Picture Sarah without the pink potato sack. Now, isn’t that dress much more appealing than the alternative?

          • vorpal

            Then it’s just a pink lumpy mess that resembles a giant potato, probably with nipple hair.
            And just when I was heading to bed…

      • Silver Badger

        Perhaps a different approach is called for. Smoke a joint. It’ll settle your stomach right down.

    • JT

      There’s lots of semen in those curds and whey and he’s on it like Little Miss Muffet.

    • Lumpy Gaga

      ObSalo: Apparently, Jim CAN eat the rice.

    • coram nobis

      Now that is disgusting.

    • Ben in Oakland

      Oink. With no disrespect intended to pigs.

    • kaydenpat

      Trigger warning!!

  • Boreal
    • JackFknTwist

      Haha ha……………….here comes the swill.
      Roll up, roll up you Rapture Boys.
      Who’s next for the Rapture Swill ?

    • William

      It’s great stuff for repainting the center lines on highways.

      • Paula

        It is highly reminiscent of the stuff we used to patch the stucco on our house.

        • William

          Your house must stand out like a glowing beacon.

          • Paula

            You paint it and very little around here stays the same color for very long. The sun takes care of that.

      • teeveedub

        However, you wouldn’t want it washing off, going into the gutters, and getting into the groundwater.

      • clay

        (sides, center lines are white)

    • vorpal

      I’m guessing that this must be his queasy queso.

      • AlternativeQuacks

        My first two guesses were “polenta” and baby poo.

        • vorpal

          I think we’re both right.

        • Wayne Crockett

          I actually watched a portion of this episode. It is re-hydrated cheesey broccoli. So yes ou are both right.

        • Luddite

          Kitten shit is bright orange. I know from experience.

        • glass

          I was guessing it was Dr Oz’s miracle turmeric that cures everything.

        • Charlie

          Looks like squirrel crap to me.

      • MB

        Miraculous Marigold Mush 😉

        * Hey there Vorpie !!!

        • vorpal

          Hey MB!
          Lap, please!

          • MB

            I’ll give you a deeeelicious treat :-0

          • Paula

            Get a room!

      • coram nobis

        Turmeric cheese. The E-tool is extra.

    • Paula

      Any food that can be served with an entrenching tool is silly and not worthy of my time.

      • William

        He is going after the $5.99 all you can eat buffet crowd.

        • orion dumptee

          is it featured on low end cruise ships?

      • extra points for “entrenching tool.” lol.

    • Harveyrabbit

      I used to think that Bakker’s “food” was disgusting vomit inducing swill but now I’m not so sure. That looks sooooo delicious.

    • Lazycrockett

      They blow ram horns??? JFC.

      • Bluto

        Where’s hunky Krampus?

    • orion dumptee

      oh…it doubles as floor tile glue…how terribly unique

      • minidriver

        It’s a floor wax AND a dessert topping!

        • orion dumptee

          oh WOW..this stuff jus gets better an better ha ha ha….hmmm…. i also wonder if adding it to the crankcase oil in my ’50 Plymouth” flat six” will reduce the oil pumping ?(blu smoke)

    • Snarkaholic

      It looks like quite a few of those audience members have already bought his shofar-crack pipe!

    • Grumpy Old Man

      Trump shampoo accent on ‘poo’.

  • Anastasia Beaverhousen

    Cyber Monday or is Whack Job Monday?

  • Michael R
    • Joe in PA

      Pssst: flavor enhancer.

      • Geezer

        Actually it’s a non-nutritive cereal varnish. It seals and coats the flake.

    • Natty Enquirer

      Hey, it’s good enough for dogs.

      • Nowhereman

        I wouldn’t feed it to a dog. I wouldn’t even feed it to my neighbor’s dog and I hate that dog.

    • jerry

      So that’s what fills those buckets.

    • Todd20036

      The whole premise of this crap is that there’s going to be either some sort of biblical armageddon or nuclear holocaust.

      Frankly, I’ll live my life, not as if it’s all going to hell, but as if I can live a normal long life.

      My idea of fun is not living my life as if we’re all about to die tomorrow.

      That’s just to fucking depressing.

    • i very much want to believe this is not photoshopped.

  • Pollos Hermanos
    • Joe in PA

      That looks like an ad for Vagisil™

      • Lazycrockett

        It’s a vibrator right?

      • perversatile

        From the makers of:
        “Pretty Hands & Feet” Hole Spackle

    • i used to Believe i could achieve that hair color and make it look natural, too.

  • djcoastermark

    Have you heard the news shoppers? I am now offering via The Slop Bucket Network, Dehydrated Water ! Simple and easy to use! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/a7ee6e4b0915a0aef2f5a697c022627887d9d2c1d80aacd7415465d8c08b7549.jpg . And for our partying shoppers, next week I will be rolling out Dehydrated Vodka, Gin, Rum, and Aged Bourbon.*
    .
    * just add vodka, gin, rum, or aged bourbon

  • liondon#iamnotatraitor

    The guy pictured on the left… my radar is off the charts …. and totally hot bear eye-candy…

    • misterjack

      Mmmhmm.

  • Reasonoverhate

    And there are millions of idiots in this country that will send him money…..

  • Ninja0980

    Scary thing is how many people will be stupid enough to give this guy money.

    • JackFknTwist

      Yeah, but I thought it was the younger Andrew Sullivan.

  • vorpal

    Whew.
    I will never have to worry about running out of buckets of dehydrated cat vomit ever again!

  • Bakker and others make a living grifting lonely shut-ins. They are old, abandoned and scared of a world that is changing far faster than they can keep up. Bakker (and Roberson and others) prey on their fears and anxieties. They send them money they really can’t afford. I’d be ashamed of myself but all those televangelists are sociopaths and don’t feel guilt or shame.

    • Stephen Elliot Phillips
    • Ben in Oakland

      Well, they actually do feel guilt and shame.

      But then they see all of those dollar signs walking through the front door, and guilt and shame rush right out the back window,

    • vorpal

      I bet most of them are actually atheists, too… or, like Trump, worship themselves.

      • rickr442

        I think Trump is coming around

    • anne marie in philly

      before she died, my MIL sent money to joel osteen and john hagee. she got sucked into the hate speech these pompous asses were bloviating. moral of the story: have a job & a social life & brains to avoid scamvangelists!

  • AlternativeQuacks

    Who buys Christmas presents for people they hate enough to give them that?

    • Snarkaholic

      For the office’s Pollyanna drawing…and you just got that bitch, Tasha from Payroll, again (the one who keeps screwing up your paycheck every week).

  • Dayglo

    Slop around the clock.

  • Stubenville

    Perhaps we all should call in to ask if the slop food buckets are made of free range ingredients, and are artisanal.

    • Joe in PA

      Bwahahaha

      They will have NO idea what you are talking about. 🙂

    • Danieruw

      “No, they are not free! God commands you to pay full price! Otherwise you go straight to Hell with all the sodomites I cavorted with in prison… wait, that last part came out wrong. Send me money!”

    • Harveyrabbit

      “free range ingredients”

      You mean made from oil that escaped from a pipeline?

    • chrisinphx

      I had to take a look…there is one item the $3,000.00 Super Grocery Store offer. First item listed…30 cans of “Hard white meat”
      yum

      • Stubenville

        You’re braver than I am.

    • perversatile

      I’m seeing more of a ‘Found object assemblage en seau”

    • Charlie

      I wonder if there is a Vegan line of slop. I’ll have to check it out when I feel the urge to waste some time.

  • Joe in PA
  • Steverino

    The grift that keeps on grifting.

  • ETownCanuck

    I see they have ALL their bases covered….https://ptlshop.com/product/tallit/

  • Natty Enquirer
    • Jefe5084

      Looks like Smelly Anne Conjob rejuvenating her skin.

      • BJORN RAGNVALDR

        Eating her ‘birth’ sac, her morning ritual.

    • Mike in NC

      Oobleck!

  • JCF

    Way OT: in these dark, dark days, looking for a little *on-the-nose* escapist fun?

    Three words: “I hate Nazis!”

    The CW’s DC super hero series are coming together for a (FWIW interracial: Meghan & Harry, they got here first!) wedding, and get attacked by (Richard Spencer’s fantasy). Time to KICK NAZI ASS!

    Starts tonight.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6T-jPN-VCoA

    [We may get rumored lesbian fun-times too. ETA: note two ladies tossing back shots at :31 😉 ]

  • William

    Will he be hawking tacky crosses with “actual” pieces of stone from Bethlehem?

    http://www.asseenontv.com/nativity-stone-cross-necklace-classic-stainless-steel/detail.php?p=994940

  • Boreal
  • sadoldguy

    I still think this stuff is just defective (failed quality assurance) dog food, purchased at scrap prices and repackaged for the rubes.

  • Paula

    Hydrolyzed Collagen? I guess if I was feeding an army of mutant, crazed, killer earthworms for world domination, I might be interested.

    • thatotherjean

      Do I really want to know what that is, or where it came from? Um. . .no.

  • Cuberly Deux

    Hydrolyzed collagen, made from real Christians!

    • Gianni

      I should hope the ones with the best skin.

  • ClevelandJim

    Oooooooh, give me a fucking BREAK.

    • BearEyes

      gimme a break
      gimme a break
      gimme a break
      of that Kit Kat bar

      • ClevelandJim

        Well now, THAT changes things–can I get a slop bucket full of Kit Kats? Or maybe Twix??

  • Luddite

    Has anyone notice the hot closeted Bear on the left. Perhaps he is Jim’s photographer?

  • Fifth-and-a-Half Element
    • Gianni

      Is he hawking what wonderful Christmas presents his buckets will make and just in time for the end of the world?

  • Bryan

    Just in time for the holiday season!

  • shellback

    Another TAX FREE BUSINESS.
    Drop dead you fucking charlatans.

  • Mike Solo

    They just convinced him, as a diabetic, to eat a cinnamon roll…. I just can’t even… https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2c87f5650edc5b47f398d4fa1490ec3016a5439dde782a0be9e38e27c481180f.png

    • Mike Solo

      And you can get that karrsen dome on Amazon for $88

    • Paula

      Next up, fried pork sandwiches for the American Heart Association.

  • Stogiebear

    Who’s the queen with the beard? No, not Jim Bakker, the other one.

    • canoebum

      I think it’s Oklahoma former Senator Ralph Shortey, who recently pleaded guilty to child sex trafficking. Sure looks like him.

  • Jmdintpa

    Yall a bunch of haters with your snappy comments. well dont come knocking at my bomb shelter when the heathens over run the earth and yall all in pain gnashing of the teeth and all that…. all you going to hear is me on the other side of the door eating my good jim bakker lasagna…

    • William

      I’ll take my chaces eating your neighbors.

      • Treant

        They’ll certainly be less salty.

        • Snarkaholic

          And with all of the lard that renders out of them on the spit, you can make enough soap to launch your own 24-hour shopping network!

    • Gianni

      How do you know it’s ‘good’ lasagna? Tried it already?

  • Rick

    GAY GAY MULLET

  • Mike Solo

    I’m finding EVERYTHING so far for cheaper through Amazon or something similar. What they don’t tell you is that they charge £30 in shipping, for each item

    • BJORN RAGNVALDR

      Actually, you can get the $3000 super grocery bundle with FREE shipping. So, there!

  • OdieDenCO

    all crap, all the time, oh god!

  • No More GOP.

    This shyster so badly needs to be sent back to the big house.

  • Jean-Marc in Canada
  • BJORN RAGNVALDR
    • Tomcat

      They back up a dump truck and dump it for free anywhere you choose.

    • Snarkaholic

      That’s fourteen cents per serving…and he’s making a profit…and has to pay to have it produced…so imagine the “quality” of the “ingredients” this shit is made from!

      • greenmanTN

        .14 per serving, FREE SHIPPING, and he’s making a profit!

  • Treant

    It’s much like Donald Trump. He repeatedly tells you what he’s like. You still fall for it. Don’t call me and complain.

  • Henry Auvil
    • Luddite

      Sally Struthers on Meth?

      • anne marie in philly

        jan crouch – another lying scamvangelist now dead

    • Mike_in_the_Tundra

      She did become an ally.

      • greenmanTN

        That’s not Tammy Faye, that’s Jan Crouch who I think stuck with the usual script right up until they screwed her crooked ass into the ground.

        • Mike_in_the_Tundra

          That’s definitely information I didn’t have. I guess she was trying to look like Tammy.

          • Charlie

            She was worse than Tammy. I saw one of her shows years ago and couldn’t believe how bad she looked…like a whore working the streets. People were flopping around like fish out of water pretending to be feeling the spirit…it was even more comical than the Benny Hill Show.

          • greenmanTN

            If you don’t cake on the mascara so it runs down your face in Big black streams, how are they going to know you are crying from way at the back of the auditorium, in the cheap seats? I truly believe that’s the reason for the kabuki style makeup.

    • Charlie

      “Poor” Jan….dead doncha know? Wonder who inherited all her mansions and ‘pretty’ wigs.

  • Bluto
  • coram nobis

    So, Bakker discovers Cyber Monday. So, Jim, are you going to place an offering on Mammon’s altar to thank him for this windfall?

  • Tomcat

    May he go belly up fast and in the ground right after.

  • Clive Johnson

    “Now, on sale in the next…hour…only! Are you read for this? Here it is. It’s Ezekiel’s Gaze[TM] adult content blocker.

    You may recall Ezekiel 23:20 : There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were the size of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.

    Ezekiel liked to watch, apparently, or enjoyed gossip of the most tawdry sort. So, what we’re saying here is let Ezekiel the software do that looking for you. Let Ezekiel have the devil’s fun, not you. Let Ezekiel scan all that porn, those nudes, those hot sex acts you know Christ disapproves of. Imagine Ezekiel as the eyes of Christ himself, scanning all of those smutty videos to protect you from them.

    Ezekiel’s Gaze[TM] is on sale now for…wait for it… $119.99. Wow that’s a bargain considering all the work that we’ve put into this fine Christian product, necessary for all Christian homes today. And you can only get it here.

    Let me be real for a second. Are you an internet struggler, friend? Do you prefer your hand to the hand of Christ? Your personal excitement to the unmatchable excitement of the Lord? Do you go looking for turn-ons online when you should be looking to get turned on by the Lord? Those sinners online are just there to tempt and tease you. But Jesus doesn’t tempt and tease, he’ll come right to you and give you everything you need. And I do mean, everything! Feel that urge to sin coming on? Turn to Jesus. Let him work it out with you.

    Ezekiel’s Gaze[TM] is on sale now. Regular price? $150. That’s right. Today, $119.99, for all the protection your family needs in these last days!”

    • Ben in Oakland

      “But Jesus doesn’t tempt and tease, he’ll come right ON you and give you everything you need.”

      That’s my Puerto Rican pool boy all over.

      • BJORN RAGNVALDR

        Thats my Puerto Rican pool boy all over me. Fixed it.

        • Ben in Oakland

          What would we older gentleman do without our Puerto Rican poolboys, no matter how imaginary they may be?

    • BJORN RAGNVALDR

      You may call me Ezekiel.

      • Clive Johnson

        lol

  • geoffalnutt

    All Slop All The Time.

  • Gianni

    “…..According to Bakker, the network costs “$17,000 per hour” to operate….” Is he hinting at something, maybe? (Like send more money so I can continue this bullshit for 24hours a day?)

    • Snarkaholic

      Per hour expenses:
      Salary to cameraman: $4
      Funds funneled to offshore bank account: $16,996

  • Megrim Twist
  • JWC

    WHY?

  • Ragnar Lothbrok

    Bucket-O-Slop for You ,You and You !

    • Talisman

      But only if your credit card is approved!

  • TheManicMechanic

    Here is the sole reason religion exists to this day. To make people stupid and needy, and to sell them what they apparently are lacking. The cycle will continue to repeat.

  • Talisman

    All junk, all the time.

  • trouble94114

    Whoo Hoo… Jimmy has a new boyfriend, Check out the matching tie and polo shirt!

    Seriously, I’d have thought Mr. Blue Polo shirt would have far better candidates that Jimmy. Oh well, there is no accounting for taste

    • nocadrummer

      Blue Polo is young. Besides his dick, he might see $$$ as well in the old man.

      • trouble94114

        Most likely, but heck, I’m shallow, I’d probably have a go with Blue Polo provided he can kiss.

  • Paul

    Gonna really suck when you find out Christians were actually right!

    • Rob NYNY

      Yeah! Christers have the best superstions! And the best imaginary spooks!

  • anne marie in philly

    don’t know which is uglier, him or his spawn. man, tammy sue got FAT! somebody light a match cause this would make a hella good bonfire!

  • Franciscan

    Does PTL Shopping Network (where the link takes you) mean “Put your Trust in the Lord”? If you do, heaven help you!

  • chris D.

    Not one of u will give an account to God for Jim Bakker. U will give an account to Jesus Christ who will judge all men. (I read all your comments.) The Bible tells us that “The Wages of Sin is Death but the Gift of God is Eternal Life thru Jesus Christ our Lord.” (Romans 6:23)
    Whosoever calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved from God’s wrath. Please read the Book of John…if u want to know how the world ends and what happens to all unrepentant sinners, then read The REVELATION of Jesus Christ. (Last book of the Bible).

    • Mike Solo

      I gave an account to Visscher Caravelle, and then they gave me floor mats to put into all the Jaguars we make. God never gave us floor mats.

    • The_Wretched

      You will be begging Cthulhu to notice you so that he will devour you into oblivion. But that time is too late. You didn’t dance in the swamps with half-naked men. The cats fled but did you notice? No. You did not and having ignored the signs, your doom will be upon you.

      (and Revelations predated the jesus part of the bible)

  • Mike G
  • Halou

    “According to Bakker, the network costs “$17,000 per hour” to operate.”

    https://ci.memecdn.com/9159294.jpg

  • hdtex
  • Nowhereman

    Oh my gawd! WHY???

  • Professor Barnhardt

    So, pig snouts in MSG, basically.

  • Friday’s_cat

    What?
    No rubber or battery powered marital aids?