Breitbart Editor Alex Marlow: If You Want To Survive A Mass Shooting, Maybe You Should Hit The Treadmill

“Regarding running, which we talked a little bit about with Jonathan Gilliam — and I’m a little bit reluctant to use humor at this movement in time because it’s a dark moment but I will anyway. Those of you who listen to the show with some regularity have heard me mention that I’m a horror movie fan. And one of the fun horror movie comedies that’s really great over the last five or six years or so is the movie called Zombieland, where they actually put together a survival guide for how to survive the Zombie apocalypse and rule number one: cardio. Rule number one is cardio. So if you want to survive a major attack, maybe the first thing to do is hit the treadmill a little bit.” – Breitbart editor-in-chief Alex Marlow, speaking today on their SiriusXM channel.

  • Butch

    Conservative humor – why is it always so revolting?

    • Silver Badger

      And seldom funny.

    • Lizard

      It plays on what I like to call “Schrodinger’s Asshole”: a nasty, offensive comment by a conservative is both a joke or totally not a joke depending on whether or not people call it out for being nasty and offensive.

      • whollyfool

        that is brilliant

        • Lizard

          Not to be confused with Schrodinger’s Immigrant, in which immigrants are simultaneously too lazy to work and taking all of our jobs.

          • clay

            and Schrodinger’s gay? simultaneously asexual and overwhelmingly attractive, simultaneously a weak pansy and a terrifying warrior, simultaneously a highly capable lesbian and a useless non-breeder?

          • Lizard

            Now you’re getting it!

          • kareemachan

            And capable of changing our whole social system in a single gay sweep.

          • Judas Peckerwood

            Schrodinger’s Obama: simultaneously a weak, stupid crackhead with no leadership ability and a evil-genius Bond villain who is secretly taking over the world.

          • Nowhereman

            Oh, and a secret moose-lamb who follows reverend Wright!

          • Steverino

            …account for only 0.000001% of the population, but cause 100% of natural disasters and are responsible for 100% of failed heterosexual marriages…

          • pj

            youve given this some thought

        • Javier Smith

          and Schrodinger’s Millionaire – Me during the time between when i buy a lottery ticket and the numbers are drawn.

      • Uncle Mark

        Or Trump being Schrodinger’s Billionaire…where he says he’s a billionaire, but his pathetic grifting behavior implies that he isn’t…until one looks at his tax returns and collapses the possibilities to one reality.

      • Nowhereman

        If you take offense, “It’s just a joke! Lighten up! Libtards have no sense of humor!” If you cheer them on, they’ll invite you to their next Klan meeting and Tiki torch march.

    • kaydenpat

      Because it’s never funny.

      • Oh, Parker

        It is if you’re one of their fellow sociopaths. They always seem to get the punchline.

    • vorpal 😼

      I’m all for tasteless humour when it’s actually funny and well-timed (i.e. not said just after a major tragedy like this).

      Conservative humour, though, is just about being as nasty and offensive as possible, while not being clever in any way.

    • Adam Stevens

      Consider the source.

    • kareemachan

      Cuz it isn’t humor. In any way, shape, or form.

      • Lizard

        Is humor actually dying? I’ve noticed this more and more, especially in online comments. A “joke” consists of just saying the exact opposite of how you actually feel, usually in a mean-spirited way. Like one I saw recently on YouTube that just said, “This guy sucks, I hope he never uploads ever again.” Then when people rightly called him a jerk, he edited with “It was a joke guys, chill out.”

        Like, that’s not a fucking joke.

        • Nowhereman

          I agree. A joke is more like “A man walks into a bar…”

    • Todd20036

      Because it always makes fun of the downtrodden or of victims or of those perceived to be less fortunate.
      Liberal humor makes fun of situations and cultural obscurities and inanities.

    • Harveyrabbit

      Asked and answered.

    • Lawerence Collins
    • Nowhereman

      Well, consider the source.

    • DN

      Because they lack empathy

    • JCF

      They ALWAYS Punch Down. Always. [Looking Up? Whore yourself out to ’em!]

    • 2patricius2

      Because the people who use it are so revolting.

  • denbear00

    BOOM, problem solved. Get fit and be fast enough to dodge those pesky little bullets.

    • JAKvirginia

      And learn how to morph into a white person instantly. Survival Skills 101!

  • kaydenpat

    That’s humor?

  • Moebym of the Returners

    I’m willing to bet much of Breitbart’s readership couldn’t run fifty feet without needing to rest.

    But then again, they’re more likely to be the ones doing the shooting.

    • Octoberfurst

      Run? Hell walking to the mail box probably gets them wheezing!

      • Steverino

        That’s why gawd invented Hoverounds.

  • TimCA

    O/T: For those interested in Spain, it was just announced that King Felipe will be addressing the nation on the situation in Catalonia in roughly 40 minutes at the top of the hour.

  • Boy Elvis

    Yeah, Marlow, I wonder how a prime physical specimen like your boss Bannon would do? Make sure you say that shit to his face.

  • Leo
    • Princess Lardass

      Revolting jackass!

    • Lizard

      So curling up into a ball makes you bulletproof and trample-proof?

      • Daveed_WOW

        Yes. You have plenty of time to react to any bullet. I don’t understand why more people don’t know this.

        • Lizard

          Assuming you can hear it. Which, thanks to congressional Republicans, you may soon not be able to.

          • Daveed_WOW

            They just ruin everything.

        • Nowhereman

          Made me laugh–because I know why. Then I cried.

    • Statistics Palin

      Why not give him a chance to prove his theory?

      • kareemachan

        Well, I’m sure I read somewhere on the interwebs that he is teen-tiny…..

    • barrixines

      People should be compelled to carry school desks with them to hide under. Good for bullets and nukular bombs.

    • barrixines

      True this – there are no accounts of any midgets being amongst the dead.

    • ByronK

      21st century America’s duck and cover. About as bright an idea as the old version.

    • paganguy

      Did they decide to offer some sort of “most despicable” prize? Granted, DT continues to raise the bar for that, but it seems they’re going out of the way to outdo one another.

    • Bluto

      huh. This guy did the opposite & was unharmed. I kinda admire his drunken defiance at the shooter.
      & thune, go fuck yourself.

    • Clive Johnson

      Another gross example of the conservative axiom which holds that no matter the circumstance, it is inherently just, and it’s your fault for not conforming to its dictates. Can’t afford ripoff level health insurance premiums and hospital bills? Your fault. Get shot by a nutcase with an assault rifle? Your fault.

    • Goodboy

      Now how did I know he was a Republican without even looking down first.

    • Nowhereman

      Yeah–it’s so easy to dodge bullets from a high powered rifle fired from a high point across the street from you with bullets ricocheting off the pavement. Just lay face down with your ass in the air and your hands over your ears! Let’s see, if at least 600 people were hit with bullets, how many did he actually fire? And what a sick thing for Thune to say. I can only hope that something like this happens to him or someone he cares about. That’s the only way these assholes get it, and even then… Are there any decent republicans left, or is that an oxymoran?

    • Stephen Elliot Phillips

      Lets get thune to demonstrate these techniques in real time with a active sniper.
      Shall we?

  • Mark Née Fuzz
    • Moebym of the Returners

      I could just as easily make some vampire repellent by squeezing juice out of garlic and putting it in a $1 spray bottle.

      • The_Wretched

        From the link, no garlic. It uses mystically infused crystals.

        • Karl Dubhe



        • jerry

          And it was only for “psychic vampires”…evidently not good for the traditional types.

        • Clive Johnson

          It’s almost unbelievable what is attributed to crystals–healing properties of all kinds, even intelligence. New Agers will claim that they manipulate energy, but ‘energy’ is never defined in a way known to science.

        • Stephen Elliot Phillips

          Jesus….paltrow is sooo 1990s.
          Shed be a billionaire if she came out with an “Asshole Republican Repellant”

      • Silver Badger

        Mix it with Holy water and a pinch of silver nitrate.

        • jerry

          Yeah, I was thinking it’ll be just as effective as the holy water.

      • Daveed_WOW

        That will repel not only the undead but also the living.

        • Moebym of the Returners

          Doesn’t bother me, frankly. At least it’ll keep my touchy-feely friend from getting too close.

    • DoctorDJ

      It works! I haven’t had a vampire attack all day!

    • Adam King

      And all this time I’ve been trying to attract vampires.

      • kareemachan

        I hearted Nick Knight….

      • Mark Née Fuzz

        Vampires, or somebody that will suck something else?

    • Ernest Endevor

      Tell us again how you steam-clean your va-jay-jay.

    • Lars Littlefield

      Gweneth, you’ve gained weight.

  • vorpal 😼

    Zombies aren’t armed with AK-47s, asshat.

    Conservative humor: always tasteless and never funny.

    • jerry

      And always at the expense of someone “lesser”, and mostly the dire consequences of not being “just like us”.

    • jerry

      Or it’s rich-people’s problems…”it was just ghastly”.

      • Todd20036

        Now that is humor – because it makes fun of what ultra wealthy consider problems compared to the rest of us.
        Besides, you could practically hear Trump saying such a thing, though not with such a good grasp of proper English

        • Anastasia Beaverhousen

          “Puerto Rico, it was just ghastly, i mean ghastly!” – tiny hands

        • jerry

          In the movie, it was very funny. Actually listening to such drivel, I would react just like Mame did.

      • perversatile
        -because reading can seriously damage a person’s ignorance.

  • denbear00

    Liberal Humor:
    “Ok, let’s test Alex’s fitness.”

    • clay

      No, that’s Liberal Anger.
      People with empathy can tell the difference.

  • kanehau

    Hmmm… perhaps dough-boy Bannon should take his advice.

  • Lizard

    What do y’all think these people would do if someone opened fire on a Breitbart conference and murdered their friends? Push for gun control or chuck their friends under the bus?

    • Talisman

      With all the incompetence in the room, they would probably shoot each other.

      • Christopher

        Well there’s a win/win scenario if ever I’ve heard one.

    • Adam King

      I’d probably cuss out the shooter for leaving survivors.

    • DreadPikathulhu

      The current government would immediately go all-out demonizing “leftists” or “radical Islam” and start rounding up anyone even slightly questionable. Ultimately, Breitbart would decide that the losses they suffered were for the greater good.

      • clay

        Demand all digital information on thousands who “liked” a comment.

    • TominDC


      Which one will get them more money?

    • Nowhereman

      From what I’ve seen of them, they would be in no shape to run away and so it would be moot since they would not survive to do anything.

    • pch1013

      They would blame Obama.

    • Chicago joe

      Price of freedom! Basta!

    • No More GOP.

      The bus would lurch as it rolled over the bodies.

  • bkmn

    Karma, please meet your next bitch

  • barrixines

    So – not using humour in anyway to add insight into the situation, merely to shit on the dead.

    How fast do you think the fat c*nt in the White House can run?

    • Todd20036

      Depends. Is there a donut at the end of the dash?

      • Christopher

        And is he wearing his Depends?

    • Bad Tom

      Is the golf cart bullet proof?

  • DisqusD37

    We’re from Earth, you idiot, not Krypton. Jesus Christ. We’re not Him, either.

  • Mike C


  • Ben in Oakland

    May you soon have the opportunity to see how fast you can run.

  • ikahana

    Just in case having a family member slaughtered in an attack wasn’t enough, leave it to Das Breitbart to kick and spit on the survivors.

    • Daveed_WOW

      Well, it cannot possibly be the fault of the guns. These people are inherent victim-blamers. Look at the President today. He’s been blaming the victims in PR since the day the hurricane hit.

  • Adam Stevens

    The difference, little boy, is that you can outrun a zombie, not a bullet, you GENIUS, you.

    And also, one is real, the other is fantasy. No, I don’t expect you to know which is which, little Alex.

  • “So if you want to survive a major attack, maybe the first thing to do is hit the treadmill a little bit.”

    All I ask from my somewhat-inappropriate-and-much-too-soon humor is that it actually be funny. I should be too busy laughing to think you’re an ass.

  • another_steve

    He’s got perty lips.

  • JWC

    WTF What else would you expect from tje idiots at Brietbart

    • Lizard

      Even the NRA had the good sense to keep their mouths shut for a couple of weeks…

      • JWC

        Or days. I wonder if the GOP or the NRA can control Donny should he (unlikely) decide to rant for gun control What a deflection and deversion The Football/flag shit has past.His fight with PR is loosing mileage He need a new talking point

  • Sam_Handwich

    He said wut?

  • Rex

    Good to know that Donald Trump will not survive.

  • Javier Smith

    The man with no heart recommends cardiovascular exercise for the rest of us.

  • Tomcat

    Next a gym will be shot up. Everyone on the treadmill was killed.

  • Thorn Spike

    Dead Briebart never disappoints.

  • TampaDink

    Well, he has a slight point. The physically fit cannot out run a hail of bullets but they may be able to move faster than us disabled folks….and they will end up just as dead.

  • Tomcat

    Isn’t it great that the right loves their guns so much they point out if we are not fast enough or in good enough shape they will kill us. How godly they are.

  • MagnaLupus

    “Hey, did you hear the one about the libtard job-stealing immigrant who received so much welfare during buttsex that God tried to kill him with a hurricane? Oh man, that one killed at Standup Night during Kristallnacht!”

  • So CBS fired an attorney yesterday for facebooking something that I found to be appalling. Blaming the victims for not being in good enough shape is just as appalling. But I have a hunch that this editor will be promoted by Breitbart. Hmm I wonder which organization is a credible news organization?

  • Tomcat

    I am bringing a bulletproof umbrella to the next concert. /s
    My concert days are well over. My idea of a concert is cicadas now.

  • LovesIrony

    Maybe you should be hit, right in your fucking mouth

  • ByronK

    “I shouldn’t be a complete douchebag by making a stupid joke right after such a massive tragedy but, here, hold my beer will ya?”

  • HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

    Irony, since Bannon and Alex Jones are nothing if not huge talking walls of fat.

    • Lumpy Gaga

      In the “Frontline” docu on Bannon, pics of the DC townhouse HQ of the Breitbart brain trust show he gathered pretty much a houseful of handsome young men, and a few attractive young women.

      (And, of course, Fagin himself hanging out. A lot. Like that guy who never left campus.)

  • Leo

    OT. Good news for those still following alt-right sagas from Charlottesville

    • jerry

      I want to see another Nazi cry…

      • Lumpy Gaga

        What does it sound like When Nazis Cry?

        • Christopher

          I don’t know. I can never hear them over the sound of the roaring laughter all around them.

        • Steverino

          “Heil-heil-heil… heil-heil-heil-heil…”

        • KnownDonorDad

          “Maybe I’m just like my Führer, too bold”

    • Lumpy Gaga

      Felony, bitchez!

    • Tomcat

      I want the driver of the murder car to be tried and convicted of premeditated murder.

    • KnownDonorDad

      Thanks, I needed some good news.

    • Tomcat

      What a lovely Washington monument. Put it right there next to the Trump on the toilet with cell phone monument.

      • Lizard

        We don’t live in a world just or fair enough for that statue of Trump to ever exist. Unfortunately.

        • Tomcat

          Ever and never are a very long time, we can’t be so sure what the future will bring. He is so vain if that was all he could get he would insist on it.

        • Tomcat

          The difference of trump and me is when I die I won’t be missed or hated by many, but when trump dies he will still be hated by multitudes all around the world.

          • HAAAAAAA

            I will miss you so take your time about it 🙂

      • HAAAAAAA
  • Lumpy Gaga

    Alex Marlow workout tip:

    Gets someone to dangle attention in front of his treadmill.

  • worstcultever

    This is all some writ-large version of being battered by an abusive spouse on a daily basis.

  • Ken M×2-940×627.jpg And the nation turned on her for expressing herself. Something wrong here?

    • Tomcat

      If only the picture were real we could rejoice.

      • Karl Dubhe

        He’s 71, eats like a pig and never exercises.

        All that’s needed is time. Unfortunately, Pence is ‘next’.

    • CottonBlimp

      Conservatives are supposed to murder liberals, not the other way around!

  • Christopher

    Maybe this guy should run into my fist repeatedly to increase his cardio.

  • If you want to bite my ass, maybe you should pull down my pants first!

  • stevenj

    Everyone know only Superman is faster than a speeding bullet.

  • Stogiebear

    He should be bitchslapped back into his mother’s womb.

  • Ninja0980

    Conservative humor, all cruelty and no humor.

  • Bad Tom


  • Clive Johnson

    One of the main ingredients of conservatism: sociopathy.

  • Proud MOFO Beaner (bkb)

    Zombieland is apprpros for Breitbart readers.

  • FAEN

    The lack of empathy is stunning. I am truly aghast even though I know I shouldn’t be.

    • Proud MOFO Beaner (bkb)

      Feature, not bug, etc etc

      • FAEN


  • fkevin

    Let the first test of this suggestion be done to Marlow. Empirical evidence is needed.

  • Yalma Cuder-Zicci

    Actual caring is so PC.

  • Mark McGovern

    Wow, that’s hilarious. Where can I catch his stand-up routine – San Juan?

  • Gerry Fisher

    Yeah, cardio does a lot of good when you’re watching a concert and shot from behind by a douche 400 yards away shooting at you like fish in a barrel using automatic weapons. Oh, yeah…”ha, ha.” [groan]

  • m_lp_ql_m

    Cardio? For Breitbart readers, a Hoveround.

  • Skeptical_Inquirer

    If I saw at a massacre, I would trip him.

    • KnownDonorDad

      Nah, human shield. Hey, I’m just using humor!

  • Kevin Perez

    We should ask fitness model, Todd Starnes if he agrees.

  • lattebud

    Next he will say have a BMI under 15 so you are a smaller target.

  • -M-

    ‘This senseless tragedy reminds me of a joke from my favorite movie. hur-hur’
    Congratulations, you beat Trump for the dumbest public comment so far today.

  • William

    Bannon is such a prime example of fitness.

  • GayOldLady

    No, if you want to survive a major attack you should wear head to toe military grade Kevlar everywhere you go. No one can outrun a bullet!

  • bambinoitaliano

    Of course! Everyone should have a mind of Seal team in high alert state the moment they step out of their house into a public place. Got it!

  • Nowhereman

    Here’s the real joke–NOBODY should have to worry about surviving a mass shooting in a civilized society. And even funnier, an armed society is NOT a polite society. It is a deadly dystopian society. Fuck gunnuts with the “bump stock” they rode in on.

  • White Canary

    Come on, slackers. Outrunning a bullet is the goal.

  • pch1013

    I’m thinking of taking up Krav Maga, so I can defend myself in case I ever find myself in an elevator with a Republican like this guy.

  • Natty Enquirer

    When a sniper is attacking a large crowd from above, dropping and playing the odds is probably the best strategy. Running would attract attention and only works if you quickly find cover.

  • Rebecca Gardner

    I must admit he’s absolutely right. Once I started working out regularly I found it pretty awesome to run faster than 3200 ft/sec, or 2,182 MPH. So everyone, let’s all start doing our cardio and remain safe!

    WTF is wrong with these people?

    • KarenAtFOH

      Damn shockwave is hell on long hair.

  • MBear


  • boatboy_srq

    So, if you’re not a good shot or you’re uncomfortable with open carry, you better be in shape for a marathon. Otherwise, it’s been nice knowing ya.

    I’m sure their Hoveround-bound followers will be glad to know that.

    Srsly. Does this idiot hear himself? The level of sanctimony, of entitlement and of Randian labertarian entitlement is just staggering.

  • liondon#iamnotatraitor

    Have you looked at your readers waist lines? When ever I see your pasty line of Nazi protestors I always think “how can there be that much insulin in the world?”

    • djcoastermark

      There’s a lot of pigs ? I’ll just leave that there to ponder. 🙂

    • KnownDonorDad

      Yep. His readership would get slaughtered.

  • KarenAtFOH

    He takes blame the victim to a whole new level.

  • Charles Nelson

    Yep…all you have to do is outrun the bullets. Libruls are just too gosh darn slow to survive.

  • KnownDonorDad
  • JoyZeeBoy

    Or maybe we should hit you, you smug prick.

  • Richard B

    Not funny, not relevant, and the post reinforces my dislike of anyone who has anything to do with Breitbart or the Alt Right or anyone who today, still supports Trump.

  • Chris Lion

    If a Democrat said that, Republicans would be shitting themselves over how horrible to make a joke when lives are lost.

  • andrew

    I wonder what fat ass Bannon thinks of that comment?

  • Marc

    Or maybe we should all be able to spin around, change into Wonder WOman and deflect the bullets with our magic arm bands. Shit for brains.

  • Tom Furgas

    I suppose we’ll have to get in shape to enable us to run away from mass shootings. Because the GOP, so firmly in the pocket of the NRA, cannot in good faith even suggest restricting gun ownership by crazed and deranged individuals.

  • JCF

    Just like (the late) svelte Andrew Breitbart!

  • Etranger

    We all just have to keep calling out conservatives for what they are – heartless, tactless, worthless humans.

  • leastyebejudged

    I am reminded of the song by Jane’s Addiction – Pigs in Zen.

  • twb6yz

    Faster than a speeding bullet?
    what a tool!

  • Gianni

    That’s humor? And at such a time as this, you actually try for some yucks with such crap? Some people have absolutely no lower limit.

  • fuzzybits

    Shut the fuck up!!!

  • NMNative

    We go high and they continue to go lower and lower and lower and lower and lower…………….

  • Secure

    Breitbart editor just called country music fans overweight slobs who can’t run.

  • RichW

    So, in GOP “logic,” it’s too soon to talk about legislative solutions to gun use, but it’s not too soon to joke about running from bullets in an gun attack?

  • Ore Carmi

    That’s unbelievably offensive.