Planet X Is Almost Upon Us, Plan Accordingly

A critical update from Quartz:

If you’re going out of town this weekend, be sure to pack for the apocalypse. According to David Meade, a research scientist and Christian conspiracy theorist, Planet X—a red dwarf star the size of 3.34 Jupiters—is currently hurtling towards the sun.

Meade posits that a Planet X solar collision will lead to seven years of massive disruption on Earth, and (bonus!) will immediately precede the rapture. And it all kicks off on Saturday, Sept. 23. According to Meade, Planet X is already having an impact: Its approach is heating up the Earth’s core. (Global warming, he writes, is just a “cover story.”) But this weekend is when things get really interesting.

Planet X’s arrival will create an event that occurs on the surface of the Sun that releases a tremendous amount of energy in the form of a solar flare or a coronal mass ejection, which is an explosive burst of very hot, electrified gas that has a mass that exceeds that of Mount Everest. The event will bring down the electrical grid, and the shelves of the grocery stores will be cleaned out inside of a day.

Banks and ATMs don’t work without electric current. Gas pumps won’t be functioning. Food transportation will stop. Rioting and looting will be unrestrained. Communications satellites will be down. The 911 function on your phone isn’t going to work. For as long as it lasts, until new transformers can be built or imported, society will be in chaos. This will be the calling card of Planet X upon its near approach to our Earth and Sun.

From the Washington Post:

When asked where he lives, he said only that he’s in “the heart of a major disaster zone” after Hurricane Irma. When asked where he went to college, he said only that he studied astronomy at a university in Kentucky and declined to say which campus, citing safety concerns.

His website says he worked in forensic investigations and spent the past 10 years “writing special reports for management” for Fortune 1000 companies, but he ignored questions about which companies those were and what he currently does for a living.

A short biography on a website called Planet X News says he studied “astronomy, among other subjects” at the University of Louisville. (The university said it cannot verify whether a person was a student there.) The website also says Meade enjoys “relating science and the Bible,” and he believes that Nibiru, which he also calls Planet X, is a “perfect marriage of the two.”

Among the books recently published by Meade are a 2013 tome about hot real estate opportunities in the Florida Keys (ahem) and a March 2017 rant about George Soros, the deep state, and the secret New World Order plot to overthrow Trump. YouTube clips about his predictions have millions of views.

On Planet X
Oh it won’t be long now
I got a light year to
Get to the phone now
I’m gonna contact you
When I get home

  • pch1013

    The *real* apocalypse is happening in the Senate next week.

    • bambinoitaliano

      We are going to get kill either way. I’ll take Planet X. At least those assholes are coming with us.

  • Right now, I think I would welcome the apocalypse.

    • pch1013

      We – and by “we” I mean our unbelievably self-destructive species, present company excepted of course – would certainly deserve it. (All the other animals, not so much. Except mosquitoes – mosquitoes are dicks.)

      • Mosquitoes aren’t alone, many of their relatives are even worse if not controlled.

      • Lumpy Gaga

        Oh, yeah. FUCK mosquitoes. We need more frogs just to take care of the fucking mosquitoes.

        • Duck

          And bats!

    • another_steve

      Becca, the apocalypse is very hard on the complexion.

      People tell me I have the complexion of a 20 year old. I’d rather it not be ruined.

  • PickyPecker
  • JWC

    I know the drill You will pray it away providing we send lotsa money Been there Heard that Don’t care

    • bambinoitaliano

      That’s what I don’t understand. Self preservation would have most people indulging whatever vice they are going to miss rather than sending money to this idiot. I’ll be running down to liquor store first thing. And time permit will be cruising the park blowing strangers in the bushes. Scrap that! That Sean Spicey image just pop up in my mind.

      • JWC

        a Sean Spincer or a Steve Bannon in the bushes

        • bambinoitaliano

          Thanks for killing my bucket list!

          • JWC

            Nah there was a hole in yer bucket

    • JWC

      I have a neighbor lady who still feels Joel Osteen is the best and most devout minister on TV This is after I showed her pics of his house his mega church his 2 private jets and the little, if any, help he wasn’t during Harvey. She has wavered nary a bit

    • Not like you need it if their right(and neither will they).

    • SammySeattle

      I’ll recite a special incantation to avert disaster if you buy me a martini.

  • bambinoitaliano
  • Uncle Mark

    BBBBut Kellyanne was looking so forward to the ACA Repeal & Non-Replace vote. She said it was looking good. Awwww.

  • another_steve

    I’ve packed the cat and the Limoges porcelain.

    (Knowing that my husband and I are fairies, my mother bought us a lot of Limoges.)

  • Megrim Twist

    Come on and love me give me Whammy love!

  • PickyPecker

    Should I bother to mow the lawn?
    What about the pile of laundry?
    The bird cage needs cleaning, what about that?
    I was going to change the bed sheets too. Maybe I’ll use the Lauren set.
    Damn, now my windows will never get washed.

    • Jeffg166

      Think about it tomorrow Scarlett.

    • Lumpy Gaga

      ANY excuse to not clean your cage.

  • The_Wretched

    I think I’ll be washing my hair.

    • another_steve

      I’ll be eating Mallomars.

      When the end comes, I want to go with a Mallomar in my mouth.

      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/aef799edfc238c45e08c4ccb80b51a19267ef2dc735cf3a0b1234b72d12010a1.jpg

      • joeyj1220
        • Joe in PA

          Gross! That rubbery marshmallow stuff is just gross. 😎

          • PickyPecker
          • Joe in PA

            I got nothing PP…just a big LOL. And I’m sitting the doctor’s office.

          • PickyPecker

            Everything ok??

          • Joe in PA

            Oh yeah, routine checkup. Thanks for asking.

          • PickyPecker

            Paddington had his first vet visit this morning. Weighed in at 37.8lbs. Totally healthy. Dr. Bill said he was a beautiful dog (and such a good one during the exam too)

          • another_steve

            A tribute to you, PP. Animals take their cues from their caregivers. I bet you made his vet visit pleasant and stress-free.

            I try to do that with my Maine Coon, but she hates me because I’m prettier than she.

            She always makes a big fuss, going and coming.

          • Duck

            Yeah my two cats are SUCH drama queens when it comes to the vet. The whole trip to the vet is a chorus of “Hey, do you remember I am stuck in a box?” and “Fools I will KILL YOU ALL!!! (ask me how!)”

          • another_steve

            Thank you, Duck. Thank you so much.

            I come here to JMG because I know I’ll find people who understand.

          • Joe in PA

            Yay, great news. But 37 lbs? He must be eating your out of house and home! Cool.

          • another_steve

            Definitely an acquired taste, Snowballs.

            A bit like chewing coconut-coated snot.

          • joeyj1220

            a guilty pleasure snack

      • Uncle Mark

        WAIT…I thought you wanted to go out with Jared in your mouth. Then again, they’re both kind of lightweight and marshmallowy

        • Joe in PA

          OMG you maligned the golden boy???

        • another_steve

          Jared is not “marshmallowy.” He’s…delicate.

          Malleable.

    • Chucktech

      So, that’s how you wanna go out? Shampoo in your hair?

      • The_Wretched

        Ok. How about, “I’ll be busy in the shower.”?

        • Chucktech

          So, that’s how you wanna go out? Gratifying yourself in the shower?

          • The_Wretched

            yes, of course.

            we don’t talk about the other thing.

  • RyanInIllinois

    Side note: “research scientist” is gibberish. A scientist, by definition, does research. This phrase seems to always pop up in crazy right-wing propaganda. I suppose they think it makes whatever nonsense they’re peddling seem more credible.

    • m_lp_ql_m

      What about scientists who study the epistomology of research? 😛

      • RyanInIllinois

        That would make more sense! I suspect those scientists don’t spend a lot their time studying when Planet X is going to collide with Earth.

    • David in Tucson

      “Research scientist” can be an academic title, too, in science-oriented academia. That certainly was true when I worked for the University of Arizona years ago.

      • RyanInIllinois

        I guess we’ll need to check Dr. Meade’s CV then. 😉

  • Gustav2

    Do I have enough time to drive to Toledo and have Opal Covey stop this?

    • Rebecca Gardner
      • The_Wretched

        poor woman doesn’t look like she could even know a little happiness
        and wants everyone else as miserable as she is
        Dickensian

        • vorpal 😼

          …I guess you don’t want that $Pot Of Gold$ after all, The_Wretched.

        • kareemachan

          That makeup……

    • Chucktech

      Stop this?? She’s godly loony enough she’ll want to help bring it on!

    • vorpal 😼

      The hurricane-steering prayer warriors should really get on this now.

      • Alex in Idaho

        Give it till Monday, and they’ll be taking credit for averting the disaster with their Power of Prayer ™

        • vorpal 😼

          I have said zero prayers in the last 20 years and the Earth hasn’t yet exploded.

          Seems like it’s working.

    • bambinoitaliano

      She is busy constructing her hair to welcome Planet X. She wants to be a mayor of that planet.

    • Uncle Mark

      If that face could stop a clock, then perhaps it could also stop a planetary collision. Then again, she might be fine with the earth getting smooshed…just to get back at the city of Toledo

  • Rex

    And here I thought getting rear-ended on my way to work this morning would be the worst thing that could happen this weekend.

    • joeyj1220

      oh no! You okay???

      • Rex

        Yup, I’m OK, just some damage to my car, and not extensive.

    • KCMC

      not a fun rear-ending?
      All well?

      • Rex

        Not a fun one, I’m OK, but damage to my car, but still drive-able. I was stopped for a left turn, car waiting behind me, and a third driver rear-ended the car behind me, and me in the process. Their cars are most likely totaled. It could have been worse.

        • KCMC

          YIKES. That’s a bad 3-way. Glad you’re okay.

  • Robert William Alexander Jr.

    Does anyone else remember the end of the world 12/21/12?
    Yeah, me neither..

    • m_lp_ql_m

      Wasn’t that an album by the Canadian band Rush?

  • Pollos Hermanos

    https://img.discogs.com/knU2p8ZV9bKknuprPNEgx5mEQVY=/fit-in/600×595/filters:strip_icc():format(jpeg):mode_rgb():quality(90)/discogs-images/R-499670-1253867465.jpeg.jpg

  • Treant

    Fun fact: At 3.3 times the mass of Jupiter, the planet would actually be smaller and less reflective due to the smaller area than Jupiter.

    However, unlike the above, a 3.3 Jovian-mass world cannot be a red dwarf star, whose size is 65-75 Jovian masses at minimum required to maintain internal fusion of hydrogen. Almost any scientist would tell you that it isn’t even a brown dwarf. Definitely a planet.

    Regardless, even smaller than Jupiter, we’d see the damned thing coming and it would have been visible in the sky for at least a year. Yesterday, it would have been brighter than moonlight and larger in angular area than the Moon and very hard to miss for whomever had it in the sky.

    • Chucktech

      “Honey, what’s that big thing up in the sky?”

      “Just god’s plan, dear, that’s all.”

  • Lazycrockett

    If a red dwarf 3 times the size of jupiter was anywhere near our solar system the planets would already be colliding into each other. Lord people learn and understand basic gravity.

    • Treant

      Not necessarily, but its gravitational influence would be obvious by the asteroids winging around at random.

      • sword

        I use Preparation H to prevent wandering asteroids.

    • bambinoitaliano

      Enough of your science and math, can you not just let us indulge in annihilation fantasy for just a moment? !! 😛

      • Scott Carpenter

        In my fantasy, Planet X passes really, really close, but still far enough away that only objects that are both dense and massive get pulled into its maw of gravitational destruction. And then we don’t have to worry about impeaching Trump anymore.

        • Bluto

          “Maw of gravitational destruction”, did the conversion turn to gropenfuhrer’s ass?

    • vorpal 😼

      When you’re homeschooled, the only law of gravity you need is Jesus.

      • Well if the homeschooled christians are anything like the Hare Krishnas, they very well might believe that Jesus hugging the Earth is gravity.

      • pch1013

        Gravity is a toxin – David Avocado Wolfe said so, so it *must* be true!

      • zhera

        That’s the law of gravy, not gravity.

        • vorpal 😼

          The gravity of your persecution has been recorded in the Official Files.

          • zhera

            vorps, are you part of the worldwide conspiracy to hide this ‘planet/star’ from us minions? Have you manipulated your numbers, or are you perhaps threatened to silence? Can you give us any inside information?

          • vorpal 😼

            Meow!

          • /me goes to the store and gets Vorpal a primo bag of catnip to loosen him up.

          • vorpal 😼
          • TCinBerkeley

            My sweet, gentle Justice would get crazy aggro when I gave her catnip. Meowie Wowie was her favorite. She is in Valhalla now, telling Odin that his hall is too cold.

        • Joseph Miceli

          Needs moar rice.
          Hmmm…getting close to dinner….

          • zhera

            Cake, here. Delicious, nutty cake.

          • Snarkaholic
          • Chicago joe

            Do you dip them in preserves ?

          • Snarkaholic

            No…I like them (the vanilla variety) as-is.

          • TeresaLSpink

            Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
            On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
            !dw79d:
            ➽➽
            ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleLegitimateCreativeJobsFromHomeJobs/computer/jobs ★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫:::::!dw79l..,..

          • Dan Patterson

            Was it lime-blossom tea?

          • Snarkaholic

            No, it was Tetley British Blend iced tea.

          • LindaMKnox

            Google is paying 97$ per hour,with weekly payouts.You can also avail this.
            On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $11752 this last four weeks..with-out any doubt it’s the most-comfortable job I have ever done .. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
            !dw194d:
            ➽➽
            ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleNewNetJobsRedOpportunities/earn/hourly ★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫★★✫★✫:::::!dw194l..,…

        • Zen Bonobo

          And biscuits too.

        • Chris Baker

          I heard that gravity is just a theory, so it may not even be real.

          /sarcasm

      • Joseph Miceli

        Carl Sagan’s critics were partially correct. Popularizing science leads to this sort of drivel.

    • Lizard

      Also, why has he called a star “Planet X”? Is he aware that planets aren’t stars?

      • Chucktech

        Two words: Christian Astronomer.

        • shellback

          Chuck, I truly love you. You ALWAYS make me laugh. Hugs, man.

          • Chucktech

            ((()))

          • barracks9

            (Hiya, SB – Happy Friday!)

        • boatboy_srq

          One word: Geocentrist.

          • Todd20036

            Penilcentrist.

            A made up word that gets the point across.

          • kareemachan

            Wouldn’t that be a pencilcentrist?

          • Todd20036

            Not in my case….

          • Librarykid

            Pencildick

        • All we need to do is pile up on the edge so the night side is facing the sun for a few days or something.
          https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8831850ecdcd7820106d28790facef2024d636e419ae4167d37ec22d0a89306e.jpg

          • Zachary Adams

            That is so perfect!!!!

          • Joseph Miceli

            Oh my God! In the space suit…it’s …it’s….Anna Nichole Smith!

      • KCMC

        call me when it’s XXX interracial BB planet.

    • Adam Schmidt

      Not to mention it would be visible with the naked eye by now. Particularly if it was close enough to be causing global warming.

      • Chucktech

        Christians would never allow their eyes to be naked!

        • kareemachan

          THE HORRORZ!!!!!11!!

        • pch1013

          You mean “n-k-d”.

          • glass

            Vowels are of the d-v-l!

          • vorpal 😼

            Jesus can’t afford the $250 to buy a vowel.

      • zhera

        No no, it’s hidden behind the moon!

    • Chucktech

      Pfft. Gravity is just a theory…

    • shellback

      You’re a witch, aren’t you? Admit it. Repent! OR… join me for a drink some time.

      • The_Wretched

        I’m not eating any of that.

        • Don’t worry some nutjobs will and figure out a reason why it’s great to eat space-kitties PB&J litter box.

        • boatboy_srq

          Peanut butter and jellicle cat?

      • William

        Crusher’s Law
        “If there’s nothing wrong with me, maybe there’s something wrong with the Universe.”

        https://youtu.be/Ek23bXq23pY

        • Lazycrockett

          Ah Beverly, don’t you ever change.

        • perversatile

          My BF can be guaranteed to quote this at least
          once a week, usually with a total lack of irony.

          • William

            They are words to live by.

    • To be pedantic a red dwarf cannot be that small. An object only 3x the size of Jupiter would be a substellar object

    • Todd20036

      Or at least their orbits would be fluctuating due to the introduction of a new gravity well.

      This guy has al the intelligence of Harold Camping.

      • pch1013

        … whose IQ at the moment is precisely zero, what with him being dead and all.

    • zhera

      But if his website takes contributions then science doesn’t count! Is he making money on these insane claims?

    • SFBruce

      Gravity?? Just a theory.

      • Snarkaholic

        Kelly Anne Conman’s face PROVES otherwise!

        • don

          Boobs too

    • And we’d be able to see it!

    • Tor

      Not if it’s one of those invisible super sneaky holy spirit planets.

  • JoeMyGod

    A few days ago I wandered around this nut’s YouTube channel and I’m pretty sure he lives in Fort Myers…..

    • bambinoitaliano

      It’s like flipping a coin with either Texas or Florida.

      • Chucktech

        With an occasional Alabama thrown in, just to fuck with us.

      • William

        Florida is more insane than Texas. You never hear about anyone caught eating faces in Texas.

      • boatboy_srq

        And he wasn’t submerged by Irma? I think he missed the obvious sign that the Rapture done been and gone already and he missed it.

  • Macbill

    Its a Mutant planet, and the X-Men steer it.

  • Rex

    Great, one more thing to get in the way of getting laid this weekend.

    • Gustav2

      No, use it!

      “This may be the last time either of us have a chance to be with another human being!”

      • KCMC

        with our skin still on…

        • Lumpy Gaga

          Fuck me before we all all fry!

          • KCMC

            Exactly.

  • Chucktech

    Planet X’s arrival will create an event that occurs on the surface of the Sun that releases a tremendous amount of energy in the form of a solar flare or a coronal mass ejection, which is an explosive burst of very hot, electrified gas that has a mass that exceeds that of Mount Everest. The event will bring down the electrical grid, and the shelves of the grocery stores will be cleaned out inside of a day.

    Gee, sounds all sciencey and and technical and stuff, must be true…

    • safari

      `We obviously need to reroute power to the main deflector dish.

    • Uncle Mark

      Damn Christian, has to bring “mass” into everything

    • David Walker

      When I read ‘Planet X,’ I think of an Ed Wood saga that ought to have been made. It would be fabulous, better even than his seminal ‘Plan 9 from Outer Space.’ But then I remember this one from my youth…I was all of 6 at the time…scared the shit outta me. FOLKS AT WORK…Please note that there is the obligatory female scream near the beginning. And with that…
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTyfzd-sg3A

  • Uncle Mark

    Never fear…the SHITGIBBON’S HERE !! He’ll save us with his little girly fists of impotent rage. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d823c7695f6f3de7f52462639c270a13276824db4e1b5abbea8c59b73da83f77.jpg

    • Rebecca Gardner

      Speaking of the shitgibbon. Did you catch his twitter rant this morning about Russia, Facebook, Hillary’s unfair an biased media coverage, Fake News, blah blah blah. Such a childish asshole.

      • Uncle Mark

        His increasing number of whiny complaints are delicious to me. It means the noose is closing around his oversized neck…coupled with his disdain and obvious jealously of Hillary. Every angry tweet reflects another daily hell for him, realizing how hated he truly is…especially for someone desperately craving adulation. I’m sure he’s at a loss to understand as to how the media could love a “loser” like Hillary, while despising a “winner” like him.

        My one concern is that for every insult he receives…for every threat this investigation brings him, he lashes out with another cruelty upon those ill-equipped or hard-pressed to fight back…like the brat, who kicks the dog because he had a bad day at school.

    • bambinoitaliano

      Not without a crane, if he is going to defy gravity.

      • Uncle Mark

        I’d much prefer to use a catapult or trebuchet where the Shitgibbon’s concerned…maybe even a canon

  • Butch

    You and the viewers will be interested to note that on this date a year ago, the world ended, Patty.
    As we know it, Hugh.
    (Apologies to Firesign Theater if I didn’t get the dialogue exactly right.)

  • Harveyrabbit
  • vorpal 😼

    Yup. Nibiru: it’s the hot topic amongst none of the astronomers here at the observatory.

  • Judas Peckerwood

    “According to David Meade, a research scientist and Christian conspiracy theorist…”

    Hm. “Research scientist” used to mean something different back in my day.

    • bambinoitaliano

      What we use to call googling is now qualify as research.

    • Chucktech

      Yeah, it meant “Research Scientist.”

  • Rebecca Gardner

    Planet X—a red dwarf star the size of 3.34 Jupiters—is currently hurtling towards the sun.

    I love astronomy and regularly look through my telescope. I would have noticed such a body. NASA might have too. Heck, we’d probably all see it with the naked eye each night. Just a thought.

    • Treant

      It’s coming from the south pole!

      (forgetting that Australia, New Zealand, and those guys in Antarctica would see the damned thing, of course)

      Also, hey, babe, I have an eight inch Celestron Schmidt-Cassegrain.

      • David Walker

        Hey…you two…get a room. Or a planetarium.

      • Rebecca Gardner

        NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        I’m totally jealous. I can’t spend that kind of money. Such spending is reserved for SCUBA, and my latex fetish.

        • Treant

          Plants and the general sciences for me. 🙂

  • MikeBx2

    If their god basically snapped his finger and created the earth and all living beings, why does he need to cause such chaos and misery to destroy it? These horrible people have such violent fantasies.

    • David Walker

      He did it before with that thingy that killed off the dinosaurs. Then he started over again…same planet, but smaller critters. (This inspired us to go small, too…smaller player piano hardware covering all 88 keys, smaller computers, smaller xn brains.) I’m thinking Planet X will be his way to clear the table again and start making smaller shit, although how he shrink a xn brain more is difficult to imagine.

      • Harveyrabbit

        I’m thinking an entire civilization that could fit in a petri dish. Flushing it down the toilet would be MUCH easier than redirecting comets and planets and shit.

    • bambinoitaliano

      Actually their god is pretty much a schizophrenic homicidal ego maniac.

    • Chucktech
  • matrem

    I’ve seen his movie.

    https://youtu.be/e-WNBsp15Bc

    • David Walker

      Starring Kirk Cameron.

      • bambinoitaliano

        And Nicholas Cage. Don’t leave him behind now.

      • matrem

        Melancholia did not have him in it.

  • vorpal 😼

    If you’re going out of town this weekend, be sure to pack for the apocalypse.

    PSA: Don’t forget to bring a towel.

  • Snarky

    Yeah, I do need to cancel that dentist appointment next week. Definitely.

  • Lizard

    An “astronomer” calling a supposed red dwarf star a planet is the stupidest thing I’ve ever read in my life.

    • Annerdr

      Astronomer? Or maybe an astrologer?

      • Lizard

        I wondered if his degree wasn’t in astrology instead of astronomy, if it exists at all.

        • kareemachan

          My great-aunt got a degree in numerology….

        • jerry

          Degree from Jeane Dixon College…

      • boatboy_srq

        Astrology is that heathen practice of seeing Satan’s plans writ large in the stars, no?

        Always amuses me how Xtianists will denounce astrology and divination as tools of Lucifer, yet insist that Gun-Totin’ Capitalist White Jeebus (or possibly his Dad) speaks to them personally.

    • Chucktech

      Remember, this is a christian astronomer…

      • Gianni

        Good point. Things ARE really different for such experts.

      • don

        Is that even a thing ?!

    • Well, he’s an astronomer in pretty much the same way that I’m a neurosurgeon, because I’ve watched Grey’s Anatomy and Scrubs. :p

    • greenmanTN

      I knew I shouldn’t have hoped that Grassley’s statement was going to be that dumbest thing I read today. There’s always room for more idiocy.

      • Lizard

        But your optimism is admirable.

  • Natty Enquirer
    • The_Wretched

      Sounds like peter gunn for the percussion/ bass line

      • Natty Enquirer

        Pretty much a stock blues ostinato.

  • What?! But I haven’t yet finished the VN I’ve been working on! Does that mean I have to rush through it tonight, so the world doesn’t get destroyed before I find out the ending?

  • KCMC

    our local LGBT concert band performed commissioned piece last season entitled, “coronal mass ejection.”
    creative contemp sounds, but of course, most of band (4th grade band nerds that we are) snickered every time piece was announced.
    Every.Damn.Time.

  • vorpal 😼

    What’s god punishing us for this time?
    He already has covered homosexuality and abortion so many times that it must be chihuahuas.

    • KCMC

      chihuahuas are their own punishment.

      • Joe in PA

        Oh that’s just mean. True but mean. 😷

    • Treant

      Chihuahuas can be an abomination, yes.

    • Because someone gave the okay for Sharknado 5: Global Swarming

  • ChrisInKansas

    I can’t wait until September 24! Will the excuse be “I prayed hard enough and God stopped the destruction!” or the classic “I made an error in calculation and now I am 100% sure the date is Aug 19, 2019! For reals now!!”

    • shellback

      You’ve been through this goofiness before, haven’t you?

      • ChrisInKansas

        The world has so much mental illness.

  • shellback

    OMG. This is terrifying news. Should I give more money to the jeezis?

  • Hue-Man

    Has anyone checked to see if Sydney is OK? It’s 3:48 AM Saturday there.

    • sdnative1958

      Exactly.

    • Chucktech

      Honestly, don’t you know all this bible crap is US centric?? We’re special in gawd’s eyes, dammit!

  • The_Wretched

    I guess it’s a really stealthy planet / dwarf star?

  • evanedwards

    CMEs are composed of plasma, not gas. Most scientists know the states of matter.

    • Chucktech

      Most scientists compartmentalize any goofy religious beliefs, assuming they have any at all.

  • Gianni

    Why is it called Planet X but it’s a Red Dwarf Star? Stars and planets are two very distinct things. Has this goof seen this thing approaching or has he just concocted the story so he could preface the rapture? He really should explain how it is that no government or reputable private astrological facility or any private star gazers have seen any inkling of a cosmic body this big in the vicinity of our solar system?

    • Chucktech

      He hasn’t seen shit. This is all numerology from the bible bullshit.

      • Gianni

        Interesting that he dabbles in numerology when such thing are forbidden in the Bible and still identifies as Christian. He must have overlooked those passages or just didn’t agree with them.

        • zhera

          They shout about witchcraft and demons, yet pray to their god to do all kinds of wicked things to their enemies.

          Bible logik.

          • Gianni

            I can’t even how one of them could explain that.

    • TampaDink

      It is called Planet X due to the nudity, violence & harsh language. Television ratings would assign it MA, for mature audiences.

      • Gianni

        🙂 Thanks.

  • Sam_Handwich
    • Dreaming Vertebrate

      Yay!! Awesome!!

    • Lazycrockett

      They got a week to work him, maybe he’s giving covering for Murkowski.

      • PickyPecker

        He’ll vote for it. Just wait.

        • Todd20036

          They only have a week, though

    • Treant

      We’ll see. This is only Friday. He can probably be bribed or threatened.

      And we need one more.

      • Dreaming Vertebrate

        NYT says his no joins that of TWO other republicans.
        This should do the trick, if no one changes their mind.

        • Dreaming Vertebrate

          Well, on closer look, one of those is Rand Paul (barf) – and who knows what he’ll end up doing.

          • pch1013

            His problem with the bill is that it doesn’t kill ENOUGH people.

        • Treant

          I want a cushion. Seriously, this is way too evil a bill to even come close.

    • Sam_Handwich
    • MikeBx2

      womp womp lol

    • Gustav2

      If he would have voted for this one it would have meant the last time he was just grandstanding…not that he has ever done that before. /s

    • The_Wretched

      Good!

      (somethings should be easy)

    • bambinoitaliano

      Hurry! Before his brain tumor change his mind! I suppose Linsey Belle blowjob is not as good as it use to be. Maybe he need that jaw strengthening device Cristiano Ronaldo is selling.

    • I guess that tumor broke his conscience lose after all these years.

    • Scott Carpenter

      Yay, but it’s cute how McCain pretends to have a conscience.

  • I love dim sum

    About as believable and plausible as the Russiaghazi Red Scare conspiracy nonsense.

  • TuuxKabin

    Gettin’ nuttin’ but static
    Static fills my attic
    From Channel Z . . .

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pB4G9WBYMFo&list=RDpB4G9WBYMFo

  • Mrs. Councillor Nugent

    Dammit! I just washed my floors for nothing!

    • bambinoitaliano

      Send your dogs out to the mud.

    • Lumpy Gaga

      The Dwarf Star will know.

  • Max_1
    • bambinoitaliano

      That slut is just begging to be suck.

    • Rebecca Gardner

      Do I spit or swallow?

      • Refugay

        Vomit!

  • Gustav2

    Shouldn’t this happen first?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LXuNpF6NVg

    • Treant

      It already did. Nobody was good enough.

      Don’t tell the “Christians,” they already feel bad enough.

      • Gustav2

        So Gawd doesn’t like them either.

    • CB

      Thanks for posting this. One of my faves.

  • HZ81

    It’s Red Smaller Person Star, asshole!

  • JohnMyroro

    “Seven years of massive disruption . . .”
    How would we know?

    • Paula

      At least, Trump would be out of office.

    • zhera

      Bible. Seven.

      Biblical numbers: 3, 4, 7, 40. And 12, of course.

  • Dreaming Vertebrate

    Planet X takes dead aim at the center square.
    Tricky move. I’ll try planet O in the upper left square. Your move David Meade!
    (This little dino just loves planetary tic-tac-toe.)

  • Raising_Rlyeh

    “a red dwarf star the size of 3.34 Jupiters—is currently hurtling towards the sun.”

    And no such celestial body has been detected, which would be impossible. Roving stars are possible, but something of that size would have been detected long ago.

    • Annerdr

      You might think the sun would wobble.

      • Bad Tom

        So would everything else.

      • boatboy_srq

        Assumes knowledge of actual astronomy not in evidence.

    • Chucktech

      We got jesus in the mix. ANYthing is possible with jesus in the mix…

  • NowAnAgnostic

    “For as long as it lasts, until new transformers can be built or imported, . . .”

    How can new transformers be built or imported if there is no electricity?

  • m_lp_ql_m

    Damn. Every year I miss Folsom. Now this year too. :'(

  • TuuxKabin
  • Refugay

    The crazy in the crazy here for me is the reference to importing transformers-from where exactly? Uranus?!

    • Mikey

      not mine!

  • TexasBoy

    Just In: The Rapture has been delayed. God doesn’t want these nut cases, either.

  • grada3784

    Planet X is an induction cooktop, heating the core of our planet, but not the crust, oceans or atmosphere?

    • Rebecca Gardner

      It’s a child safe Apocalypse.

  • Rebecca Gardner

    I love Meade’s State by State predictions. Notice all the Red States will be unscathed, only the Blue States will be destroyed because “Planet-X” has Jebus based powers of physics something something cover-up.

    • Bad Tom

      Funny how cosmic catastrophes care how you voted in the last election.

    • Chucktech

      Oh, jesus, now I KNOW this is baloney…

  • Capritaur

    I was actually excited when I thought it was a science post…

  • Paula

    Yes, I was reading about all the ultra high tides and tsunamis that the gravitational influence of a red dwarf star have caused around the world. Its terrible. Millions of ducks have been killed.

    • Refugay

      How quacky!

    • boatboy_srq

      Reminds me of that famous illustration “this is the pond where I keep my ducks.”

      Whoops, wrong consonant.

      ,-)

  • boatboy_srq

    I can’t wait to meet my first Lectroid.

    • KCMC

      hear easily treated with lasers now.

      • boatboy_srq

        You laugh now, John Smallberries…

  • David in Tucson

    Well, I’m scheduled to fill in for our titular organist on Sunday, so I guess I’ll plan on that and practice. None of these predictions of cosmic calamity have ever come true, and I think this guy will end up with egg on his face, too.

    • Chucktech

      Oooohhhh no. This one’s the real deal…

  • BearEyes

    Sounds like I need to plan a martini

    • Duck

      Why would you need to plan a martini, unless you were out of vodka?

      • Fafnir the thurifer

        Because everyone knows that a martini is made with GIN

      • BearEyes

        my everyday vodka is good for mixed drinks, but I don’t always keep Ketel in the house

  • Sam_Handwich
    • Natty Enquirer

      Rad.

      • Mikey

        Joule.

  • Refugay

    They never stop putting the insanity in christianity.

  • Kevin Perez

    I plotted these scenarios out on Universal Sandbox 2 and throwing a Jupiter x3 object at the inner solar system at near light speed doesn’t do anything unless it strikes some other object head-on. So I call shinnannegans!!

  • kanehau

    All of us at the observatory have abandoned our post and are with our families packing for the next rocket ship out.

    Not.

  • Natty Enquirer

    It’s TRUE. Planet X is already affecting the sun. Did you notice that it rose exactly due East today and will set exactly due West? Coincidence?

    • Rebecca Gardner

      It’s like it’s causing an autumnal equinox or something.

      • Hue-Man

        So we have less than 2 hours to live?

        • Natty Enquirer

          Not if you move to Howland Island, where you can incidentally say hello to Amelia Earhart in her preserved alien form.

          • Rebecca Gardner

            Elvis has a regularly scheduled UFO flights out of SFO to get you there.

  • Alex in Idaho

    Well, damn, guess I’ll have to cancel my massage appointment tomorrow 🙁

  • Silver Badger

    It’s started. Discus is going glitchey. Goodby everybody. It’s been fun!

    • Rebecca Gardner

      OK. It’s not just me.

      • PickyPecker

        Got it here too.

      • Silver Badger

        Nope. It is indeed end times!

  • JDS

    I guess its time for Duck Dogers in the 24 ½ Century!

  • TexasBoy
  • Pip

    So, how will everyone be spending their Rapture Day?

    Me? I’ll be going around town putting clothing down to make it look like folks have been raptured.

    • TexasBoy

      I’ve been making maple walnut pies today for a volunteer fire department BBQ tomorrow. So I’ll be at the BBQ.

      • Pip

        Ooooh, BBQ and firefighters! Sign me up.

    • madknits

      Brunch with a good friend, then day drinking and people watching in the French Quarter. Then the Sisters are having a bingo game at a local bar, so we have to get into face and go to that. I have some clothes that don’t fit anymore, so maybe I should do the same thing with the rapture look.

      • jerry

        Don’t do it in the French Quarter…no one will believe people were raptured from there.

    • zhera

      I’mma gonna eat delicious cake and enjoy a quiet day. If I’m raptured nobody will notice!

  • Hue-Man

    Should I be raptured on a full stomach? I am subject to motion sickness so maybe I should not have lunch…

  • bkmn
  • Bad Tom

    If “Planet X” is a star, then it’s glowing. It’s supposedly 2.4x Jupiter’s size. We can see Jupiter fine.

    We don’t see any Planet X.
    :. It’s not there.
    QED.

    • Silver Badger

      It’s invisible, silly.

      • Bad Tom

        Dark matter!
        ——-
        The physicists will be thrilled. While the planet lasts.

  • Uncle Mark

    Well, somebody better tell Melania to get on her high-hooker disaster heels for the weekend

    • carrot festival

      Vat to vear? Vat to vear?

  • TexasBoy
  • Dreaming Vertebrate

    Love how the pseudo-science is given “legitimacy” with such “objective” details as – it’s mass is that of 3.34 Jupiters. Argle bargle!

    • Friday

      3.34 Jupiter-*masses* wouldn’t even make a brown dwarf, never mind a red one. A red dwarf could be that “size,” but that’s not what astronomers worry so much about.

  • Rebecca Gardner
    • KarenAtFOH

      LOL!!

    • Wuulf

      So it’s true. Khailuih the turtle god does carry the Earth on his back. I thought that was just made up.

  • KarenAtFOH

    Oh crap, and we just got power back after 12 days of Irma outage.

  • Dreaming Vertebrate

    OT: Almost threw out an old Lasko box fan, but decided to disassemble it, clean it, lube it and put it back together. Now this ol’ beauty has surprising suction and blowage!
    I’m kinda blown away by this little home-improvement success!

    • carrot festival

      I’ve resuscitated my Lasko fan twice now. Best $16 bucks I’ve spent in a long time.

  • DanimalChgo

    I think Planet X conspiracies are my favorite conspiracies, next to “Sovereign Citizens.”

  • Michael

    Is that what the B-52’s song is about???

    • Daveed_WOW

      Give it all you got
      Give it all to me
      Come on mammy and
      Throw me that whammy

  • OdieDenCO

    what side of the international date line are we talking about? It’s already 9/23 in China

    • madknits

      That’s crazy talk! God made it one day at a time (why am I hearing the song in my head from a 70s sit-com?), and it’s the same day all over. International date lines are of the devil!

  • Professor Barnhardt

    Seven years? Try seven billion years.

  • 3-Star

    What? No money beg tied into this whopper of a tale?

  • No More GOP.

    “scientist” LOL.

  • Franciscan

    So where does the Hubbell Space Telescope indicate the putative Planet X is now?

  • Christ. What an asshole.

  • Edmund Allin

    What a twerp. Brown dwarfs don’t start until at least 11 Jupiter masses, and red dwarfs (the smallest real stars) at around 75. If a planet with 3.34x the mass of Jupiter fell into the sun, the burp from the sun would be the least of our problems. So many asteroids and comets would be disturbed that we’d all probably be dead.

    • Adam King

      God created this brown dwarf especially for the occasion, using different special god-physics. It’s a miracle!

      • Friday

        Seriously, we’d have seen even a hypervelocity *brown* dwarf years ago. And to the naked eye *now.* Christianists have no sense of the *scale* things like this operate on. Goes for spans of time, too. Comes of trying to cram everything into a book that really only covers small areas of Earth at any given time it does cover in the first place.

      • Edmund Allin

        Praise Brahma!

    • Friday

      Well, the article says ‘Size’ but actual astronomers would be talking mass and luminosity.

  • Harveyrabbit

    So should I write a check for next month’s rent or not?!

  • Dan M

    Probably went to school at The Creation Museum and did graduate work at The Ark Encounter.

    • Jeffrey

      He has a doctorate in…wait for it…Arkaeology

  • Ragnar Lothbrok

    LOL, Ok,but we have enough reality to worry about.

  • -M-

    Now it’s a red dwarf? You know what’s harder to hide than a planet approaching an imminent collision? Something planet-size that’s also glowing red hot.

    And somehow it’s been ‘microwaving’ the Earth too? Sure, Jan. [Hello, operator? Yes, I need to schedule a pickup for the looney bin. Don’t skimp on the nets or tranqs. ]

    • Friday

      I think even what’s left of the Discovery Channel these days would say to this guy, “Go home, you’re drunk.”

  • John

    He “studied” astronomy so he’s an astronomer? I watch The Big Bang Theory, I guess that makes me a Theoretical Physicist! Send me to CERN!

    • Friday

      He obviously didn’t *learn* any. I mean, at all. I could have said why that’s BS in third grade.

  • -M-
  • Elsewhere1010

    Oh crap. Here I was planning a nice dinner for some friends on the 28th, and what’s going to happen? The whole friggin’ world comes to an end the weekend before.

    Why does everything happen to me?

  • Lakeview Bob

    In the first place when did the Washington Post start having a humor section in their paper? In the second place on Sunday this wingnut will claim his calculations are wrong and then name another date.

  • Jean-Marc in Canada

    So permit me to review this, just so I’m clear… (put’s on science hat, fabulously adorned with “I Love me some Neil DeGrasse-Tyson” button)

    A planet is going to hit our sun and somehow disrupt it which will in turn cause catastrophic issues for Earth. (activates science sarcasm and smarm charm)

    Ok…wait….what??? (Sarcasm and Smarm at full power)

    1 – The Planet in question is 3.34 times the size of Jupiter, yet is somehow not visible to any of the thousands of satellites, telescopes and other astronomical devices that can detect space bodies the size of a house, let alone a 3.34 times the size of Jupiter planet. (call me skeptical)

    2 – It’s ‘hurtling’ towards our sun. Question, how fast? Because it must be moving close to the speed of light for us not to detect it. It’s a red dwarf, not Red Dwarf (becoming incredulous with prerequisite entertainment reference).

    3 – Will cause 7 years of disruption. Trust me sweets, if a planet that size is moving at close to the speed of light, (as it must be for us not to perceive it) hits our sun,it won’t exist and ergo, we won’t exist. There won’t be 7 years of disruption, more like 7 – 10 minutes given that’s how long it would take debris from our dying sun to reach us at approximately the speed of light. Oh, and did I forget to mention that assuming it’s not moving that fast and we somehow still can’t detect it, the other planets would have started to react to the gravitational pull of an object that large entering our star system…like months ago. (throws up hands, grabs a scotch, looks at husbotter who stares back like a confused puppy, laughs then returns to keyboard)

    BITCH PLEASE!

    • vorpal 😼

      Faithless heathen.

      • Jean-Marc in Canada

        Thank you (blushes with pride)

    • -M-

      We could detect the heat from a Jupiter size planet up to about a light year away. That’s one of the constraints on the suspected Planet 9, any bigger than Saturn and we’d have already detected it.

    • Claude Jacques Bonhomme

      Haven’t you heard of the Romulan cloaking device? Planet X got its hands on the Romulan cloaking device.

      http://www.jedi-counsel.net/s/startrek/ships/romulan/gif-cloaking-romulan-BOP-original.gif

  • Friday

    “Christian astronomy” apparently involves invisible stars that randomly heat up planetary cores millions of years in advance without perturbing any orbits or ….oh, I dunno, the length of days, GPS elevations, tides, geography, magnetism, or throwing any of them solar flares most red dwarves are known to spit out? Right. (Seriously, even a hypervelocity red dwarf three-body-flung away from a supermassive black hole would have been plainly visible *years* ago. That’s without even freaking calculating. )

    • vorpal 😼

      Friday, why do you hate Jesus?

      • Friday

        Taco trucks! Benghazi! Bad Zecharia Sitchin impersonations!

        • Michael White

          and emails!

        • vorpal 😼

          LOL. 🙂

  • KaBoomBOX

    I guess I’ll call out from work and just stay home eating donuts and ice cream then.

  • Michael White

    Damn, I am planning to leave for 2 weeks in Ireland on Sept 30. It is a shame the trip is prepaid.

  • A. J. Aguilera

    [waving hands in the air like Kermit the Frog] YAAY! The Zombie Apopcalypse is nearly here! I don’t know whether to be thrilled or frightened.

    • Highmoremotel

      Thrilled with fright!

  • ultragreen

    Okay. If Congress passes a sweeping LGBT anti-discrimination bill and Trump signs it into law before Saturday, members of the LGBT community, who know how to control the weather and influence astronomical events, will prevent Planet X from striking the Sun, thereby saving the Earth. I can guarantee that we can do this if Congress and Trump follow our directive!

  • M Jackson

    Treeing coons and Astronomy — *Kentucky*

  • GayOldLady

    An Apocalyptic prediction, Again? I’m tired of this End Of Days bullshit every couple of years from the religio-wingnuts. My response to all of these Rapture folks is “bring it”, let’s get this shit over with.

    • Bj Lincoln

      I know! What is that all about? Funny thing is most of those so called christians will not go because they have not been living the word. I bet they will be surprised and a lot pissed when that happens. LOL

  • clay

    I’m thinking that an appropriate dessert would include Isaac Newton’s apple, Henny-Penny’s walnut, and red-dwarf [what? rose?].

  • Meade is so full of it! According to the Planet Masters of Altair, we haven’t scheduled any cosmic events for this star system for another seven years.

    Did I say “we”? I meant “they.”
    Oh, great. Can you edit these comments or do I have to disintegrate you all?

    • jmax

      Don’t you have one of those flashy thingies that erases all our memories?

      • Tomcat

        I would give anything for that thing. First I would remove any knowledge of Trump. Then put Hillary in office.

        • jmax

          Dude. Wouldn’t that be the most excellent thing in the whole universe?

  • Willys41

    If someone is a conspiracy theorist please don’t waste my time trying to tell me that he’s also a “research scientist” because it doesn’t even pass the smell test.

  • ECarpenter

    Something the size of three Jupiters colliding with the sun would have very little effect. This guy obviously doesn’t understand how huge the sun is. It contains 99.9 percent of the mass of the solar system – this fake planet would be a grain of sand in comparison.

    And, of course, any damage a big solar flare would cause on Earth depends on whether or not it’s aimed at Earth – and very, very few are. He seems to have forgotten that the sun is a sphere, radiating energy in every direction. And we are tiny in comparison, and a long way off.

    This guy’s astronomy degree is from the University of Made Up Stuff, Louisville campus.

  • John Stevens

    Red Dwarf? Huh, well that shows how much he knows. All he has to do is come to Detroit and we can show him exactly how to drive off this menace. Every Spring we have a Festival of the Nain Rouge to drive him from our environs.
    On Second thought it is a little “secular”, BUT, it could help…

  • Tomcat

    I say the world will end Nov 8 2016.

    • Tomcat

      Oh wait that was HUMANITY.

    • edrex

      post hoc predictions are easy. but making shit up requires religion.

      • Spray on abs

        HA!

  • Duck
  • sword

    I took me more than 20 years of education to get my Ph.D. in science. What a waste of time…I could have just gone to David Meade’s college right out of kindergarten.

  • octobercountry

    Sooooo….. when none of that actually happens, how on earth does this fellow and those who follow him explain it?

    • motordog

      Illuminati, of course…it all but PROVES it!

  • Dale Snyder

    A red dwarf over 3 times the size of Jupiter.

    Um, christian asswipe, there would be nothing left orbiting our home star.

    I see you have a Dugger/Trump education.

  • houstonray
  • kladinvt

    Whammy!

  • motordog

    Toledo Opal and this guy should run off together…a marriage made in Nibiru!

  • PhillyProfessor

    Is this somehow related to the Autumnal Equinox? And what do people traditionally sacrifice on the Autumnal Equinox? A chicken? A goat? I forgot to shop for it this year, and now I have neither chicken nor goat to sacrifice. Sigh..

    • Leo Tallant

      I have a couple of left over BBQ Teriyaki Chicken Wings from the Deli this afternoon…..will that suffice?

      • PhillyProfessor

        Were the Chickens sacrificed according to the method laid down at the Time when Time Begun? And are there dipping sauces?

  • Stogiebear

    Since tomorrow begins the End of Days, before everybody goes to bed this evening you need to check your makeup mirrors to make sure you can easily find the Apocalypse setting on it. Don’t want to be fumbling about for it tomorrow when you’ll really need it!

  • motordog

    It’s the 23rd here on the East Coast…still no Nibiru…I’m starting to get suspicious…

  • Blobby

    B-52’s were all over this back in the 80s:

    On Planet X-oh it
    Won’t be long now
    I got a light year to
    Get to the phone now
    I’m gonna contact you
    When I get home

  • canoebum

    I don’t know about you people, but I’ve got a week’s worth of food all packed for my canoe trip, fishing gear…and a loaded revolver. So I’ll be fine. I won’t need any electricity in the woods and my tent is commodious, to say the least. Perhaps things will settle down by the time I get back. If I don’t get any reception on my radio, I’ll just stay in the woods until I get an all clear.

  • jonfromcalifornia

    I wonder what true believers will say when NOTHING happens… I guess, like the Jehovah’s Witnesses numerous “end of the world” forecasting ending in nothing, they will say it’s a “spiritual” reality. LOL

  • ColoMtnWoman

    Wasn’t today supposed to be the apocalypse? Darn…And I was considering having
    a garage sale…and getting my hair done…

  • Richard, another Canuck

    OK it is 4:53pm Pacific Daylight Savings time Saturday Sept 23rd and there are no warnings on the airwaves about this Planet X thing approaching. I guess I have to do the breakfast dishes and start dinner…Maybe some vodka first.

  • Tuna

    Godzilla will save us. He did last time.

  • Hryflex

    Dammit! I miss everything. I have one of those shirts with the message: “I can’t; I have rehearsal.” I last checked JMG at 4pm on Friday, then went to two subsequent rehearsals, went home to bed to get up for an all-day opera rehearsal, then to dinner with my bear. I get on the inter-tubes and find out the world has ended. The only diff I see is that the street lights on my block have been changed this week. Hus-bear is asleep on the couch. If HE hasn’t been raptured, then nobody has,

  • Lakeview Bob

    Today is Monday. September 23 was last Saturday. Did I sleep through the apocalypse? Did anything happen? Damn. I was looking forward to a change.