Russian Church Leader: Beards Protect From Gayness

The Moscow Times reports:

A religious leader for Russia’s Old Believers has called on Russian men to stop shaving to “protect themselves from homosexuality.” Metropolitan Kornily, Primate of the Russian Orthodox Old Believer Church (RPSC), said that men with beards were less likely “corrupted” by same-sex relationships.

“God set down certain rules. The Lord created everyone with a beard. No man can resist his creator,” Kornily told Russia’s National News Service. “It’s made a monstrous thing to see men’s clothing and hairstyles changing.” Metropolitan Kornily also lamented that the beard’s special status had “completely disappeared from the Catholic West.”

Per Wikipedia, the Old Believers split from the mainline Russian Orthodox Church in 1666 in protest over liturgical reforms. The Old Believers currently have an estimated 800,000 adherents around the world versus 150 million for the Russian Orthodox Church.

  • Boreal
    • vorpal 😼

      Is there still anything left that doesn’t make you gay?

      • edrex

        all are homosexual! the homosexuals have won!

        • vorpal 😼

          I just wish I knew what to do with the closet full of toasters.
          🙁

          • Bad Tom

            eBay?

        • james1200

          If that’s true, then why won’t straight men let me sodomize them? Why?

      • zhera

        Facial hair, apparently.

      • james1200

        Yes, staring at this regularly will keep you on the straight and narrow.

        https://i.imgur.com/scRKEnbl.png

        • Jeffg166

          How do I unsee that!

          • james1200

            You can’t. What’s more, you’re str8 now. Go ahead, try and get aroused by a dude. You can’t!

            Bwahahahaha!

        • vorpal 😼

          Well, that’ll save me the 10 minutes I had planned for masturbation during my lunch break…

      • Boreal

        Pork rinds.

      • That_Looks_Delicious

        Watching Trump play golf?

        On second thought, he probably has increased the number of lesbians.

        • Opinion Sousaphones

          Hmm… I think the sight of his fat behind would be a serious discouragement to any sort of sexuality in anybody… although it might encourage people to take up the harpoon in order to go whaling.

        • JCF

          Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!

      • Stogiebear

        Double knit polyester.

  • Rebecca Gardner

    Just ask Michelle Bachmann. She knows!

    • another_steve

      Life with her is reparative therapy for any straight male who wants to change his sexual orientation to gay.

      • Rebecca Gardner

        I was thinking of Michelle being the Beard to the obvious homosexuality of Marcus.

        • another_steve

          I know.

          I’m just in a silly mood today. 😉

    • james1200

      He’s right, though! Beards do protect you from homosensuality, or at least the rumors of homosinsuality.

      https://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/du59kvz2hm8dignu12c4.gif

      • zhera

        I have figured out what the Primate really means!

        A beard covered in 5 days old chicken grease, tomato seeds, and beer will chase off all gay men, leaving only the stupidest of the stupidest women to have sex with you. Ergo, a beard will make you straight.

        • james1200

          This is why I don’t trust all the hipster gays with those unkempt beards I see all over here; I just know they’re not taking care of it like they should and all I can imagine is the nastiness lurking within.

          • Rambie

            I like a well kept beard but the unkempt ones looks terrible. A good beard brush and some beard oil isn’t that expensive! I love my ceder-rosemary scented oil.

          • FAEN

            What brand do you use?

          • Rambie

            FAEN, it’s a custom blend from a local store that mixes essential oils. I also have a bottle of their Ceder-Eucalyptus that is also good.

          • FAEN

            Ah ok. Thanks much. I need some new beard oil and I was just curious.

          • Rambie

            Find a local store with a supply and try a few samples until you make a scent you like have them mix it with Jojoba Oil or Almond Oil as a carrier. If I wasn’t such a lazy SOB I’d order essential oils myself and mix it at home and save money. LOL

            It’s not really technically a beard oil, but I’ve also used Bath & Body Works Eucalyptus / Spearmint “stress” massage oil. It’s mineral oil based, but worked in a pinch when on a business trip when I forgot my shaving kit. It’s a great massage oil too, I love the smell and a good massage often leads to other stress revealing activities. 😉 😉

          • FAEN

            Thank you so much for all the fabulous info 😊.

            There’s a local store I just found so off I go.

          • Rambie

            Let me know what you come up with.

          • FAEN

            I certainly will.

          • Check out American Crew, Redken for Men, or Woody’s. My favorite is Woody’s, both for beard and shaving. It can be tough to find locally, but hit the “contact us” link on their Web site and they’ll find the closest retailer to you.
            http://www.woodysgrooming.com/

          • FAEN

            The products look great. Will definitely contact them. Thanks much!

          • And you’ll love the scent – clean, subtle mix of sandalwood and spice. The shaving gel and balm are the only thing I’ve used in over 20 years that didn’t leave me with terrible road rash – the legacy of inheriting my father’s boar-bristles.

          • FAEN

            You’ve sold me on it. Looking forward to trying them out. Thanks again 😊.

          • Jessicagkilpatrick

            my best friend’s step-mother makes $85 hourly on the computer . She has been fired from work for nine months but last month her pay check was $17089 just working on the computer for a few hours. see it here ++++++++++
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        • Rolf

          I noticed Pootie seems to be wrinkling his nose in disgust in the photo. Probably got a good whiff of the stench wafting off the Patriarch’s beard.

      • wmforr

        Someone should clue the Primate in on the slang meaning of “beard” in English.

    • That_Looks_Delicious

      I was going to say Tom Cruise and John Travolta, but I like yours better.

    • DaveMiller135

      I’m not sure she repels actual homosexuality, just the appearance.

  • Dejerrity

    Nooooo. A good beard keeps people from KNOWING you’re gay.

    Just ask Mitch McConnel’s “wife.”

    • liondon#iamnotatraitor
      • Andymac3

        Is it bad that I want to do Marcus for my own pleasure and not just out of spite?

        • FAEN

          SLAP! Snap out of it.

          • Andymac3

            But he’d be such a comfy bottom.

          • FAEN

            Dude you can find much better bottoms to hate fuck 😉.

        • liondon#iamnotatraitor

          …looks like a good breakfast would be made afterwards.

      • FAEN

        Lady Bird Bachman-Lordy who does she think she’s kidding.

  • romanhans

    Here I thought somebody else’s mustache was the best way to exfoliate.

  • Butch

    Hhmmmm…..I’ve had a beard since I was 16, which is more than a few years ago. I think I have identified a flaw in this hypothesis.

    • Michael White

      I was 18 as we could not have beards in high school in the late 60’s. I shave once in mu 20’s because of a very stupid bet and the Chicago Cubs

      • The_Wretched

        When did you pick up the habit?

        • FAEN

          HA!

        • Michael White

          1980 to 1997

    • Droz

      If I had a dollar for every time a religious nut made a blanket claim that wasn’t just false, but hilariously so…

    • RyanInIllinois

      I’m not going to say where I got the data from, but… I have a lot of evidence that suggests there are a lot of bearded gay dudes out there. 🙂

  • Jonathan Smith

    hey JMG: you haven’t pissed me off YET once this morning? whats up? 🙂

  • Jonathan Smith
  • Stephen Elliot Phillips
  • Sam_Handwich
  • JT

    Bears, otters and wolves, oh my!

  • Paula

    Wow! Did any of you guys know about this? 😉

    • zhera

      What about lesbians, though? As per usual, they don’t exist/count in the religious assholes’ world.

      • Tawreos

        That way they don’t have to feel as guilty while looking at lesbian porn

      • Paula

        That’s because the hetero guys think it is really hot. They all fantasize about it.

  • caphillprof

    So what was he saying about beardless Putin?

    • Ranger One

      That’s guy is pretty gay.

  • Christopher

    I guess they haven’t met most of my sodomite friends.

  • bkmn

    Does anyone need more proof that the majority of religious leaders are just out to push their own agenda?

  • netxtown

    well fuck. they told me it was in the water…..

    • Bluto

      That only works on frogs.

  • Tawreos

    Throughout the year I go from clean shaven to full on beard and back again and I have never noticed a change in my gayness levels. The only changes I see is that I save money on razors in the winter and it is cooler in the summer.

  • Stephen Elliot Phillips
  • paganguy

    I bet they believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows too…

  • Harveyrabbit
  • TheManicMechanic

    Well, so much for Bear Week in PTown next month.

  • worstcultever

    The utter childish idiocy, it burns.

    (apologies to children)

  • David Milley

    Clearly, he hasn’t heard of Velcro kisses …

  • Stephen Elliot Phillips

    I didnt realize merlin was still alive and well and living in moscow

  • zhera

    LOLZ!

    ‘beards’ Is he even aware of the irony there?

    • KCMC

      shorter. Is he even aware. Period.

    • JT

      There are multiple ironies here.

  • Michael R
  • stuckinthewoods

    Growing a beard encouraged homosexuality here. I prefer beards so if he didn’t already have one, each of my partners soon grew one.

  • olandp

    I guess that means that Pooty is gay, according to the man in a dress.

  • Rex

    Obviously he’s never has his ass eaten by a bearded man.

    • KCMC

      there’s a religious experience. prayer and praise.

    • Jeffrey

      I could not agree more.

    • Blake Jordan

      Facial hair is not a factor when you are raping prepubescent boys…

    • bambinoitaliano

      Thanks! Now I have a craving to be eaten by a bearded man for lunch.

      • Bluto

        Call me.

        • bambinoitaliano

          😛

    • Is that an invitation or a request… I have such trouble deciding these things…

  • another_steve

    Tell me this is a joke.

    Please. Anyone.

    Tell me this is a joke.

    • Tawreos

      If he were joking he would have asked “What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?”

  • Ninja0980

    So if I grow a beard, I’ll be straight?
    Wow, who knew it would be that easy?

    • Lakeview Bob

      Gee. My beard attracts other men so what does this mean?

      • Tawreos

        It means that, as usual, the religious guy is full of shit.

      • That_Looks_Delicious

        It means you must post lascivious pictures for us.

  • andrew

    The primate at a city zoo is more intelligent than Primate Kornily.

  • Tawreos

    In the first picture up there I notice two things.
    1. Is he trying to match his hair and beard combo to the curtains?
    2. What straight man would want that many ruffles in his curtains?

  • Gustav2

    Does a goatee make me bi?

  • Rex

    So, all those beardy guys on Scruff aren’t gay?

    • Gustav2

      Only in your fantasies.

  • Sam_Handwich
  • Pollos Hermanos
    • serious kudos to the makeup artist. that is some fine work.

  • David
    • djcoastermark

      I still find that image , um, phew, is it warm in here?

      • David

        The tattoos make it perfect.

      • Mike_in_the_Tundra

        All it does for me is to make my pants grown tighter.

        • BobSF_94117

          It seems to have an effect on your ability to conjugate, too.

          🙂

          • Acronym Jim

            Maybe he meant “groan.”

          • JCF

            LOL

    • MusicBear88

      Woofalicious…

    • DumbHairyApe

      Obviously just a tender expression of orthodox christian love.

    • FAEN

      Beards and kissing-WOOF!!

    • perversatile
    • DonnaLee

      It’s beards, so they’re totally not gay.

  • loosevowels

    ever since i was 14 and grew a van dyke men have been putting their penises in my mouth

    • AmeriCanadian

      Is that a complaint?? I should have been so lucky!

  • Rex

    Dude really needs a magic wand to pull off that wizard look.

  • Gustav2
    • zhera

      FAKE BEARD!

  • Adam Stevens

    God also created me to shit in my pants as a baby, but we eventually outgrow childish idiocy.

    Don’t we padre???

  • Michael R
  • djcoastermark

    Somebody obviously has never been to a Bear Bust Weekend have they now ?

  • vorpal 😼

    It worked so well for Conchita Wurst.

  • bambinoitaliano

    Just shine an ultra blue light on his beard will reveal the semen stain busier than Motel 6 bed sheets.

    • zhera

      EWWWWWWW

  • HZ81

    Old Believers, indeed. These cultists meet in a cave?

  • TCinBerkeley

    It has been 300+ years since Peter the Great made Russian men shave off their long beards to appear more “modern” and these trashbags are STILL pissed about it.

    • Tawreos

      How many people still hate the Jews for killing Jesus 2,000 years after he is said to have lived.

      • TCinBerkeley

        True. I am stunned by the pettiness of people.

        But 45 is still moaning about Hillary and he election. I guess I should stop being surprised by this behaviour.

      • Boreal

        What are evangelical xtians?

        • medaka

          For 500, Alex.

      • i grew up with a lot of people who were into that particular hatred. there were almost no non-xtians in the county where i was born. once, a fellow member of my high school quiz bowl team told me exactly that, when i asked if he had any Jewish friends. “nope. don’t want none. they killed krist.” i was gobsmacked. this was in the 9th grade.

    • CanuckDon

      And then they and their similar other religious goons have the nerve to rant about how women can’t let go of things!

  • grada3784

    What about all the closeted gays who took their beards out on dates?

  • ByronK

    Kornily is looking pretty Dumbledorish if you know what I mean.

    • Boreal

      You could leave the ledorish part off.

  • BockMcMillan

    The ignorant bastard obviously knows nothing about bears.

    • Ben in Oakland

      Or men.

      • Ragnar Lothbrok

        Or gay mens

  • TampaZeke

    Hmm. That’s curious. Beards have always made me MORE gay, although I have to admit that what he’s wearing, and his overall look, is a definite turn off to me. If he and I were the last men on earth I’d demand a recount!

  • MBear

    LOLOLOL

    Derp

  • Larry in Oklahoma

    “God set down certain rules. The Lord created everyone with a beard.”

    OK, then, where are the rules for adultery, stealing, fornication? And …
    LOL, I think he meant every MAN, not everyONE. Some men are so sparse on facial hair that they can not grow a decent beard, so there’s that.

    • BockMcMillan

      Ahhhhh, thank you Metropolitan Kornily, now I finally understand why there are so many bearded Russian women

    • Todd Allis

      I think he means “everyone” as in “all people,” as in, he doesn’t consider women to be people.

  • Boreal

    I’ve had a beard since I was 20 and I still crave cock. What am I doing wrong?

    • Bad Tom

      Nothing whatsoever.

    • Jonathan Smith

      not a damn thing:)

    • DumbHairyApe

      Sounds like you’re doing everything right. Stay Calm and Beard On!

    • FAEN

      Beard pics?

  • After the beard grows give them a bottle of vodka and see how that gayproof thing goes.

  • barrixines

    Hipsters ruin everything.

  • madknits

    Guard Buddha Bear, Big Easy Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.
    Bearded for his pleasure. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/cceb82dd35ba34e33614d228e25b8b9244e2c00cd0c4e65b6cf3ef620706bb96.jpg

  • Bad Tom

    One word response: BEARS.

  • CJason

    How incredibly stupid and isolated from reality to you have to be to run that cult of weirdos called a church? Clearly the dude is missing a few brain cells.

  • Ben in Oakland

    Kornily? As in, “God said the wearing beards keeps the gey away”, he aid kornily.
    almost as if he believed that nonsense.

  • Kevin Perez
    • William

      He would need a Duck Die-nasty grade beard to scare away the Gay.

    • DumbHairyApe

      Protection: FAIL!

  • Halou

    Does that mean he is a fan of Conchita Wurst?

    http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1783330/thumbs/o-EUROVISION-570.jpg?5

  • leo77

    He clearly wasn’t at the Eagle NYC yesterday.

  • Michael

    Putin: The world’s most “eligible bachelor,” the world’s staunch supporter of homophobia and thus the world’s biggest cowardly closet case.

  • Ross

    Beards Protect From Gayness?

    Ahhhh…beards were the cause of my gayness.
    .

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e70fb30e0740500496e8ae14c2791b3276f418ddecb7589d302fad252da05aa9.png

  • Steverino

    And here I always thought human beings evolved beyond the level of primates.

  • DaveMiller135

    There’s beards and there’s beards. I have to agree, though, that beard with that wizarding cap would probably protect you from sexual advances from anyone on the planet.

  • Xuuths

    I’m pretty sure it’s the obnoxious personalities that makes no one want to have sex with you, not the beards.

  • ETownCanuck

    Guess they don’t get to see a lot of Bear porn over there in Russia….

    • Hank

      Maybe BillBear does his share, here, in the USA!!! Let us ask him t send what he has done! 😉

  • mikeinftl

    Men with Beards is my favorite new band!

  • mikeinftl

    Of course there those who are attracted to men with beards…

  • No More GOP.

    My beard has enhanced my gayness, bubba.

    • FAEN

      Mine too!

  • FAEN

    Organized religion is a mental disease. Next.

  • Long Tom

    I typically let my beard grow in the Fall, and then shave it all off in the Spring.

    I guess I’m seasonally gay.

    • DumbHairyApe

      You, sir, have a bi-beard.

  • KevInPDX

    I’ve had a big full beard since before I turned 16, but… that man sex thing started before that, soooo…. all that fun I had last night with my hot buddy Scott (I am so not worthy lol) wouldn’t have happened? Happily corrupted and I love my big beard too 🙂 even though there’s not much red left in it 🙁

    • Tor

      You mean spaghetti sauce?

  • Raising_Rlyeh

    A man after Ivan the Great’s own heart.

  • Jacques

    So there’s an easy way to test the Old Religion’s theory: There are 40 bazillian mostly Asian men who don’t/can’t grow a decent looking beard. So if everyone from this site goes out and flirts with every Asian looking guy they know, we’ll tally the yea and nays and have a baseline for future

    • m_lp_ql_m

      I’ve flirted with 30 bazillian Asian men and a majority of them can actually grow a decent looking beard. So much better than the Castro clone ones.

      • Tor

        As a Castro clone, I resemble that remark.

  • TK
  • DumbHairyApe

    I’m picking up closeted gay-vibe from the bearded guy.

  • BobSF_94117

    It’s a particularly effective anti-gay thingy if you don’t ever wash it.

    Of course, that cuts down on reproduction, too, unless you’re a real conservative and don’t believe in consent…

  • Captain Jack

    Putin doesn’t have a beard!

    • BobSF_94117

      Nonsense. He’s on his second one. She’s pals with Ivanka…

  • Tor

    At the moment, the majority of my gay (edit: male) friends have beards. I have one too. Theological fail.

  • Andymac3

    I can only speak from my own experience but this old fossil hasn’t been down to my local bear bar, some of the biggest beards are the best bottoms.

  • JIM W

    Beard since 1964, Gay since 1942. The beards must only protect religious idiots in Russia.

  • JAKvirginia

    Bwahahahahahaha…

    That’s all that deserves.

  • kirtanloorii
  • boatboy_srq

    This is about as impressive as the Amish denouncing electricity for its gayness. Old Believers have been a small minority for generations (unlike the various other splits in Orthodoxy which have generated much larger sects).

    And quite obviously the (gay) bear phenomenon isn’t well understood in Russia.

  • Ron Robertson

    This is a good example of your mind on superstition. You believe in sky fairies, demons and all that rot, your brain will rot along with it.

  • Not true, beards merely hide your gayness.

    … oh. Wrong definition of beard I suppose.

  • So says the patriarch (Suspected of being gay) who looks a lot like Albus Dumbledore (known to be gay)

  • SDG

    Um… um… what? Um, bears, hello!

  • Matt

    Ummm… I don’t think he’s ever seen a Bear Weekend anywhere…

    • Ben in Oakland

      He had, but he was wearing a beard to disguise himself.

  • metrored

    I made that mistake too when I first heard the term. Imagine the look in his face when he finds out that facial hair like homo catnip.

  • ArchiLaw

    Hmm. Do I need to give my gay card back?

  • Clive Johnson

    Perhaps if a plane were to sprinkle holy water over towns it would also help protect against homosexuality.

    • AmeriCanadian

      Good g-d, don’t give them any ideas! We already have the contrail conspiracy.

    • UrsusArctos

      Nope, nope, nope. In Russia that water is yellow, according to 45* and Vlad (who has the video to prove it).

  • narutomania

    I guess the temptation is soooooo strong that they have to grow magical beards to protect them from our Gay Majix.

    Who knew I was so powerful?!

  • Acronym Jim

    Whoa! When did Donald Sutherland go over to the dark side?

  • BearEyes

    I’ve had a beard (the facial hair kind) for decades – yeah – it worked – NOT!
    LOL
    if anything, a beard is one of many things I like about a man.

  • Acronym Jim

    I’m waiting for J.K. Rowling’s rebuttal to this stupid bigot.

  • ceeenbee
  • fuzzybits
  • Seems like the white-bearded wizard Saruman has been peering at the orb for long enough to have been corrupted by Vladimir “Sauron” Putin.

  • Chris Gardner

    Guess that is why beardless Putin is a “confirmed bachelor”?

  • “God set down certain rules. The Lord created everyone with a beard.” Everyone? Dude needs to get out more.

    • Todd Allis

      He obviously doesn’t consider women to be people.

  • Stogiebear
  • wmforr

    “The Lord created everyone with a beard.”
    Women don’t count, of course. This is Christianity.

  • Wait until the Old Believers find out that it is actually deodorant that makes us gay! It’s going to cause a big stink.

  • Harveyrabbit
    • Stogiebear

      He looks like he’s stoned out of everyone’s minds.

  • disqus_D9pH1OIG67

    How stupid some are even in the 21st century. Of course, it always seems to be the religious ones, i.e., the ones that believe in white Jesus and think all the answers are in the big magic book.

  • Luddite

    Well that will be a surprise to all the men going to Bear Week in Provincetown MA in two weeks.Hmmm, I will have to do some field study with the Bears to see if they are no longer gay.

  • ultragreen

    A quick trip to a bear bar who cure him of that misinformed opinion.

  • TheSeer
    • Priya Lynn

      I find him appealing for some reason.

  • DreadPirateZed

    For the historically minded…
    Q: Why were the Old Believers so thoroughly quashed at the time of the Raskol?
    A: Because Nature abhors Avvakum.

  • Bj Lincoln

    I know it’s hard to leave all that praying and self denial behind but these guys need to get out more. It is 2017 and we know why we grow beards. We groom beards but that’s a different kind. Only a nut job religious zealot could come up with this.

  • David Walker

    To paraphrase the comment frequently said by Warner Bros.’ characters when referring to an asshole he’s about to annihilate: “He don’t know us very well, do he?”

  • Robert Adams

    “has called on Russian men to stop shaving to “protect themselves from homosexuality.”

    What should you then do to protect yourself from fleas?

  • EastCoastJ

    He’d know better if he’d seen as many queeny voices coming out of bearded faces as I have.

    • Those of us who’ve tended bar in leather joints can attest to this… Nothing nellier than a bunch of drunken, hairy leather queens.

      “Oh, Mary! Would you look at her?? She should have a sign on her back – Do these chaps make my ass look fat?

      True story…

  • Damn… all these years… I must have missed the memo… Pay no attention to the silly woman in the back – that’s my wing-nut Pammy. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8c7406fa1aadc871f9c4c83e1e6465bf8464f48c4e9f68cacaa7eaaa026511d8.jpg

  • StSean

    nice dress.

  • Friday

    *snerk,* looking around at all the bears here. Err, sure, bishop guy. That’ll work. You go do that. 🙂

  • JCF
    • KDK DSAPDX

      I just watched that episode last night. LOVE it! 🙂

  • Ginger Snap
  • Manny Espinola

    When I was a teenager, bearded gays gave me nasty hickeys and rashes all over my neck and shoulders. When it didn’t get better as I approached 20, I finally had to ask them to shave first otherwise I won’t go to bed with them. After reading Oliver Sacks many years later, I changed my mind and started cruising studly bears again. But no Gandalf or Russian Orthodox Wizards types for me, sorry.

  • Stogiebear

    Nothing says “Horn Dog Heterosexual” like men’s fashion from the Catholic West in 1666. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/cc144fdfefd5ba9f1ab49f5ed4e10bbaef2d218701d2c9472c80d7d8c477e598.jpg

  • xzargo

    Religion is poison straight from God.

  • -M-

    I’m not taking fashion criticism from men who wear robes in public.

  • i like beards. not so into the santa claus look, but a little fur on a man’s face is pleasing to me. i won’t call a beard ‘sacred’ but it is true that men are mostly born to have facial hair after puberty. there are probably evolutionary reasons for that. what i find amusing is that a lot of men don’t seem to understand that they can be totally bald, and just wear their hair on the other half of their melon, and people will find that just as attractive. the fear of baldness never made any sense to me.

  • TallBearNC

    So. All the bears and cub will now go straight from our beards.. lol

    What an idiot. Someone should solve a sock in his mouth