TOLEDO: God Burns Prophetess Opal Covey’s Van

A few years ago “prophetess” Opal Covey, Toledo’s tongues-speaking perennial mayoral candidate, warned that God would rain fire down on the city if she wasn’t elected. So this just happened:

Opal Covey’s now famous campaign van caught fire on Navarre Avenue in east Toledo. She says the motor shut down as she was driving. When she tried to restart the van, the fire sparked. “And then all of a sudden somebody stopped across the street and said get out it’s on fire! And that’s the first time that I realized it,” Covey said. “I wasn’t shaking or nothing, but I went back and got my purse and had my sister in the car and we both got out safely.” The large campaign sign on the top of the van was not damaged.

  • JoeMyGod
  • PickyPecker
  • JoeMyGod
  • Jonathan Smith

    so, taste of hell? Burn B*itch.

  • Skeptical_Inquirer

    She’ll either blame Satan or say “mysterious ways.”

    • Jonathan Smith

      it was “the gays” forget makeup tips,
      it waz “the gayz”

  • crewman

    Tornado hits her house: Satan is trying to stop her.
    Tornado hits house of someone she doesn’t like: God is sending a message.

  • safari

    Demons

    • McSwagg

      Nope. It was me. I studied thermally induced spontaneous combustion in grad school. (Seriously, I did.)

  • Dave, from Canada

    Insurance doesn’t cover acts of gawd, do they? 😀

  • safari

    Oh, Happy Cinco de Mayo.

  • JoeMyGod
    • Dejerrity Mycron

      God won’t stop floods, famine or war, but he sure as Hell wants to get Ms. Cubic Zirconium to run the Biblically important town of Toledo. I understand the meaning of life now.

      • McSwagg

        Well, sure. Everyone calls it “Holy Toledo!!!”

    • Sashineb
    • charemor

      As my hubby likes to say, gawd may have called her, but he got a wrong number.

  • Rex

    If she’d stood closer to the burning van she would have heard the voice of God speaking as he did to Moses through the burning bush – “Thou shalt read thy car’s manual, Thou shalt change the oil, Thou shalt not ignore the check engine light….”

  • FAEN

    Baby Jeebus is just not that into you.

  • Christopher
  • Anastasia Beaverhousen

    “And in her last days, a mighty spark leapt forth from the the Lord’s ignition and it brought forth flames and despair upon her van. And the Lord sawth the Toyota burning brightly and he said, ‘it is good.'” Prius 20:17

  • Rex

    Her van burned out just like her political ambitions.

  • barrixines

    She was lucky it was her car and not her bush. The Lard likes setting light to bushes.

    Vote Opal!
    https://alfredeaker.files.wordpress.com/2015/07/desperate-living-1977-dir-john-waters-queen-carlotta-edith-massey.jpg

  • Jonathan Smith

    so….God, long may She reign said “fuck off bitch”?
    just checking………

  • Ragnar Lothbrok

    Opal, god is trying to tell you to STFU. Listen and obey

    • Christopher

      Or just go away. Either is good for me.

  • Do Something Nice

    Thank for posting this. Speaking in tongues reminded me that I forgot to buy flavored gel.

  • Christopher

    Whenever I hear the term “speaking in tongues” this always comes to mind. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9tnB5KZ8j4

  • Christopher

    She definitely has a face meant for radio. But her voice…not so much.

  • Gil

    Zeus works in (sometimes not so) mysterious ways.

  • Rex

    I like Prophetesses that know when their van’s gonna blow. Sad.

  • Boreal
  • Rex

    Not that I really want to know, but what’s under that layer of Sherwin-Williams makeup? I’m surprised her face didn’t catch fire.

    • Christopher

      I’m not only surprised, I’m saddened.

    • kareemachan

      I wanted to take a cleaning wipe to that “blush”….

    • McSwagg

      Asbestos spackle? That would explain why it didn’t catch fire.

  • Rex

    It was probably all the friction from her thighs rubbing together between acceleration and braking.

  • UrsusArctos

    Some Prophetess if she did Nazi see that coming!

  • cleos_mom

    If she’s a candidate but not elected yet, that sign on the top of the van is a lie. Apparently her god is not amused by that. According to Ballotpedia, this is the sixth run.

    • Tawreos

      If I recall correctly god told her she would win but the agents of satan were afraid of her so the rigged the vote to show that she lost.

      • Boreal

        If it wasn’t for those meddling agents of Satan she would have g̶o̶t̶t̶e̶n̶ ̶a̶w̶a̶y̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶won.

      • William

        That’s the same reason I’m not president.

  • Jay Silversmith

    A flaming van is what happens when you mock yer gawd with mis-spoken words from The Lion Sleeps Tonight.

  • Christopher

    Anyone else thinking “Holy flaming van Batman!”?

    No? Just me then? Ok, I can live with that.

  • Tulle Christensen

    This proves she was right, she just happened to be below the fire and brimstone by coincidence

  • sonoitabear

    gawd needs to do more of this sort of individual intervention… All the floods and tornadoes he/she sends are being ignored and/or misinterpreted…

  • Joe in PA

    This is way off topic…but a few weeks ago I announced the arrival of chickens at our farm. Well, it turns out, as much as we tried to protect…lots of things like to eat chicken (hawks, raccoons, fox). We lost 4. The WORST is that our own dog got out and got one of the tiny ones…a silkie that was mostly feathers. So, guess who is persona non gratis around here: Lucy the chicken killer:
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c717b03f0fa25e077dc5f6cea6afd3997d92381fd2f09f6b41099a430b93e6ab.jpg

    PS the chickens are now completely protected behind wire and stone. Arrgh.

    • kareemachan

      I’d love to have chickens, but we basically live in the woods and I’ve seen hawks and eagles hunting around here – not to mention the sneakiest bastards of all, raccoons.

      Also, our cats would probably be WAY too interested.

    • chicken is delish. all meat eating creatures will agree on that. i like mine bbq or with a certain asian treatment. but yeah, if you live in anything where foxes live, bigger birds… my friend who raises them in the city doesn’t have to worry about it, but every chicken farmer in the country where i grew up kept them in enclosures. sorry for your loss. don’t be too hard on the dog. our dog ate our ducks, but that just taught my folks that they didn’t really want to be duck people.

      • Dean

        We have rabbits and foxes here in Central Berlin now!

    • vorpal 😼

      BURN THE WITCH!

      (Humans and cats also love chicken, as evidenced by the number of roast chickens brought into our house followed mere seconds later by the crying and meowing and pacing.)

      • MB

        BUT, is she a GOOD witch , or a BAD witch ???
        😉

    • TuuxKabin

      Good grrrls gotta do what good grrrrrls wanna do. Who’s chose in the back ground? She may get them next.

      • edrex

        our sweet, gentle, lamb chop of a dog followed me into the front yard two days ago as i ran out to chase a squirrel from my peach tree (i’m determined to get some fruit this year). the moment the poor squirrel hit the ground our darling st. francis of a pooch had that creature in his teeth and dispatched the rodent in seconds. it was both horrifying and fascinating to witness our pacifist dog switch into primal mode. i buried the squirrel under the other fruit tree.

        • TuuxKabin

          You did right by that damned varmint. I hope you praised lamb chop for being ‘the good dawg.’

          • edrex

            i did. i felt a bond of pride as he totally read my intentions and followed through. he’s a 60 lb creampuff that is afraid of houseflies (really, he flees the room if one buzzes him), but i guess there’s a dog in there somewhere. i did feel bad for the squirrel, but some culling needs to happen in our neighborhood. el chucho is a good boy.

          • TuuxKabin

            Hay un foto de el chucho? My axatar, as you prolly know, is our Sage, still in Mexico, companion to her vet’s toddler daughter. Miss her so. She was a goofy snuggle-up-a-kiss during our siestas in the hammock. Rescued her off the streets, and her streets smarts never ceased to amaze. The dogs down there have more street crossing sense than humans. Big snuggle to el chucho. Sage is la malix (ma-leash) = mixed = mongrel. In Maya. The best kind of mutt. Tho I wouldn’t mind an Irish Wolf Hound to slow dance with from time to time. I’ve got a crush on one we see at the farmers’ market. He knows it and we get to smooch from time to time. His owner offered me the keys so we could go home and have some private time together, je je.

            Yeah, there needs to be a culling of those varmints. And I always thought it is varmits, prolly from Yosemite Sam, spell check tagged it and gave me varmints. Who knew?

          • edrex

            here’s the beast. sitting in the sun this AM while i drink coffee and ponder putting in a few hydrangeas today.

            https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/95df9f92607ed6a8bee66fddf455b69eea5c4dabd839f42def0c39111ddbdb26.jpg

          • TuuxKabin

            Zing went the strings of my heart. El Chucho is one handsome dood. We used to have a Hungarian Kuvasz/shepherd, Belgium shepherd. Both excellent protectors. Stealth. He was as black as el Chucho, big ol’ sweetheart and had a way of concealing himself on the perimeter of the lot, in the woods then come charging out if anyone came into the yard, usually as a greeting. Never barking or going cuckoo, he appeared to know their intent. Usually friends visiting. Garret. El HubCap teased me about my coffee habit . “You like your coffee, like you like your dogs. Black and strong smelling. El Chucho . . . sigh. Thanks for putting him here.

            I’ve been eyeing hydrangeas all season. Need to find out how they’d do in containers on a city deck.

            Before the Mexican deli sold out I was out the door to buy this weekend’s tamales, went on to the Plant Shed and picked up catnip, pineapple mint, lemon balm/mint and tarragon, and that should do it for the window box downstairs, and the deck up here. Mostly cash crops, peppers, herbs, lavender and bright blooming flowers to hopefully attract bees and hummingbirds. We had a red tail hawk, fledgling last June. Learning how to fly apparently.

    • jefe5084

      You will have to answer to Mr. Picky Pecker for this.

      • Joe in PA

        i know…I’ll have to tell him to watch his back around this dog. 🙁

    • William

      You have to run electric fence wire around the top of their enclosure to try to keep raccoons out. Raccoons are nasty creature that will kill every chicken just because.

      • The_Wretched

        It fills them with Raccoon Joy.

      • Bj Lincoln

        They are smart and troublesome. We have not seen any here yet.

    • Bj Lincoln

      We have a lot of fox here. They scream. We also have vultures. They are big, ugly and love to play with all the stray cats our neighbor feeds. The SPCA comes out to catch, fix and bring back but it has never seemed to cut the population. People think it is a good thing to drive into the woods and dump them off. It is funny to watch every morning these small cats taking a swipe at the big birds and the birds just look at them as if to say, “I will eat you at some point you crazy creature.”

    • Amanda B. Rekendwith

      To be fair, Lucy was just trying to point out to you the shortcomings of the chicken security plan.

      • Joe in PA

        grrrrrr.

  • Gigi

    Shouldn’t she have seen this coming?

  • I am speechless. She made a prophecy, and lo, the prophecy has been fulfilled! I am sure that she is going to find some way to capitalize on that.

    • Bad Tom

      First, she needs a new car.

  • hudson11

    So glad to see folks haven’t lost their senses of humour.. We need more Opal in our diets.

  • Stogiebear

    Time was when God would have taken out two cities with the fire and brimstone act. Now it’s either reduced to taking out a minivan with two sisters in it, its aim is better, or it decided to go green with a smaller retribution carbon footprint. Discuss amongst yourselves.

    • you people are killing me! lol! i vote for a more environmentalist deity. one who cares about all its creatures, great and small.

  • GeneInSJ

    OMG… I thought she was having a seizure!

    • Stogiebear

      Potato — ድንች
      Tomato — ቲማቲም

      • BuffaloDan

        Hmm. It’s not impressive to Opal unless it’s in Enochian….

  • Dejerrity Mycron

    FIRE IN THE HOLE !!!

    • nocadrummer

      Ewww!
      So Jesus can’t cure the clap?

    • HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

      Whose hole?

  • kareemachan

    This is what happens when you put a piece of electrical tape over the lit “Check Engine” light.

    Actually, I saw a car catch on fire once – I think a Jeep. That thing burned FAST, like fully in flames in about 5 minutes.

    • Bad Tom

      Cars are flammable!
      They are full of gasoline!

    • McSwagg

      Car fires happen all the time here in Houston. It’s a slow week if there’s not 2 or 3 at least. It ads a bit of “spark”to the traffic reports.

  • HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn

    That’s not “speaking in tongues.” That’s the result of generations of inbreeding.

    • perversatile

      -and ‘huffing’ Sterno.

  • Friday

    Apparently check engine lights aren’t ‘Biblical’ enough for Fundies. 🙂

    (rummaging around under hood.) “Well, there’s yer problem right there, you been driving around with a disabled irony meter.”

    • William

      The ‘check engine light’ on the first Chrysler minivans was nothing but a 9-volt battery plugged into the back of the dashboard. When the battery went dead, the light came on.

      • Friday

        Why shell out for OBD1 when you can has Ray-O-Vac? 🙂

  • Kevin
  • Dreaming Vertebrate

    Someone needs to get that toxic mess off the highway.
    (And have that burned out van towed too!)

  • William
    • BuffaloDan

      Right? Does this mean that there _is_ a God…? (And that S/He Speaks to Opal? Oh, just no….)

  • Xiao Ai: The Social Gadfly

    And thus it had begun. A Hellmouth opened in the engine compartment of a Dodge van and a demon and her sister sprang forth. Rev. 16:01

    • William

      Is that a Dodge van? Chrysler minivans were known for bursting into flames.

      • KarenAtFOH

        The fuel injector rails become leaky and gas floods the top of the engine. Chrysler issued a recall, but you have to do more than pray to God to get the notice…

        • William

          80s and 90s models had a transmission problems. The good version was the transmission would suddenly fail around 50,000 miles. If the owner wasn’t so lucky, the transmission would cause a fire.

  • bmoore4026

    Opal’s fortunate she lives in this time period because if she lived in the times of the Renaissance and The Tudors, she would have been the one burned instead of the car for calling herself a prophetess.

  • EweTaw

    The lard werks in mystrius ways, dontchakno.

  • PhallicMetaphor

    Anyone else concerned by the fact she is legally able to drive a car?

    • nocadrummer

      And carry a gun!
      THAT worries me more.

      • William

        Crazy people can carry guns. Trump said so.

  • saucetin

    “The stupid, it burns!”

  • justmeeeee

    she’s cool!

  • John

    I guess she never read the Bible verse about proper vehicle maintenance.

    • Jonathan Smith

      was that one or two CARinthians?

  • bambinoitaliano

    Even the car has its limit.

    • Gil

      You have to check and change the oil occasionally….

  • edrex

    i’m sure she saw that coming. the chicken entrails never lie.

  • Jim Gallagher-Barker

    God gave Noah the rainbow sign / No more water but fire next time

  • 2guysnamedjoe

    the angel of the LORD appeared unto Opal in a flame of fire out of the midst of a fuel line: and she looked, and, behold, the bushings burned with fire, and the van was not consumed.

    • jmax

      Burning bushings. That made me laugh.

  • 2guysnamedjoe

    The Loord speaketh to thee through thy consumer durables.
    https://youtu.be/oiSwnWw65Wo

    • Oh, Parker

      This never gets old to me.

  • -M-

    Some prophetess if she needs someone else to point out that the car she is in is on fire. 🙄😐

  • Halou

    warned that God would rain fire down on the city if she wasn’t elected.

    Hey, if she gets a clone she can go and fuck herself. Yes?

  • John Mundy

    Jesus assured her she didn’t need oil changes or tune-ups.

  • Nowhereman

    This is what happens when you leave you car maintenance up to Jesus. He was a carpenter and a fisher of men, not an auto mechanic!
    And that FACE! That is not the face she was born with. She made that face herself over years of hate and delusion.

  • nocadrummer

    God has LOUSY aim.

  • jefe5084

    She’s clearly a zombie looking to take over entire towns for a good feeding.

  • Oh, Parker

    I used to do computer work for a crazy “psychic” lady and her drug addict son who did shady high finance deals like reverse mergers and pump and dump schemes back before the recession. This woman reminds me so much of her. There’s nothing like being in a restaurant and having someone tell a story, then blurt out “It was at that moment that White Cloud, my spirit guide, told me I was the reincarnation of Queen Nefertiti.” Or once in the same place when she was complaining about her hatred of her son’s drug habit and drugs themselves, and she yelled “I go crazy over cocaine!” with two deputy sheriffs sitting three tables over. Good times…

  • Gianni

    I have to wonder if anyone asked her about the fire that DIDN’T rain
    down on the city seeing that she was not elected? Just wondering.

  • HeyYouKidsGetOffMyLawn
  • ChuckLikesToCanuck

    She’d make a great yodeler.

  • Greg Nickoloff

    Trump is looking toward 2020 and getting rid of the competition.

  • D. Garfinkel

    She should have seen that coming.