Pastor Lance Wallnau: A Gay Bar Owner Was Cured Of Homosexuality By Eating Anointed Cake [VIDEO]

Kyle Mantyla reports at Right Wing Watch:

While streaming a video over Periscope last weekend, right-wing pastor Lance Wallnau received a message from a viewer saying that she needed prayers that would help deliver her son from homosexuality. That message prompted Wallnau to recall an incident he heard about recently in which a gay bar owner was supposedly delivered from his life of sin after eating a cake which had been prepared and prayed over by Christians. “It was an anointed cake,” Wallnau said, “and they made the cake and gave it as a gift. And when he ate the cake … the power of God hit him.” The “presence of God” fell upon the bar owner, Wallnau recounted, and he then got baptized, at which point “the spirit that was working him got broken off,” thus freeing him from his life of homosexuality.

  • Lazycrockett

    Anointed by what, one of those special Starbucks Lattes?

  • Butch

    He “heard about” recently. My cousin knows a guy who met someone at a bar once who said he knew someone who….

    • Dazzer

      Yeah. But on the other side, he now has a job using Google that pays him hundreds of thousands of dollars.

  • Natty Enquirer

    Oh get over yourself, Marie.

  • Judas Peckerwood

    Totally sounds legit!

  • Lazycrockett
  • BJORN RAGNVALDR

    Allow me to ‘anoint’ a urinal cake for you.

    • Gerry Fisher

      You’re such a giver.

  • Skokieguy [Larry]
  • PickyPecker
    • james1200

      This is one of the best gifs ever. Thank you!

  • james1200

    This story is bullshit! I eat plenty of cake and I’m still gay. I’m actually getting gayer.

    (My favorite type of cake: dark chocolate.)
    http://24.media.tumblr.com/08ffd989f5c7961faab46876eec90fbb/tumblr_n1quhiRSBS1qj3uuto4_250.gif

    • clay

      I think he counts as plural cakes.

    • BlueberriesForMe

      Looks like a combo of pizza delivery/pool boy. Best of both worlds.

    • Ragnar Lothbrok
      • Todd20036

        Maybe it’s just me, but his waist looks AWFULLY narrow.

        • Rex

          Give him a piece of cake, the kind that turns straight boys gay.

          • Adam King

            First you have to get the witches to curse the cake. Or something.

          • witch

            Working on it

          • Gerry Fisher

            We bears will take good care of him. Lea Delaria joked during a performance in ptown that she loved when the bears came to town for Bear Week. She joked, “You guys march right into town chanting, ‘We are the bears! Where is the fudge?!!'”

        • dagobarbz, fine Italian shoes

          It’s just the way he’s turned…if I drew a sketch from that pic, I’d def. think I’d done it wrong.

    • Ninja0980

      I love cake and I’m still gay as fuck.

      • james1200

        See! He’s filled with lies! Lies!!

      • Richard, another Canuck
        • Derrick Johns

          Where the hell did you find such a picture? The Ted Bundy network station? Oh, my.

          • Richard, another Canuck

            The pic came from one of the Internet tubes, I filed it away for future use, and this is the future…mouthwatering eh?!

          • Derrick Johns

            I don’t know…but ok.

        • Randy Left Brooklyn

          Wasn’t Cake the name of the character that Tom of Finland used to draw all the time? Somehow I feel you will know.

        • Jon Doh

          mmmm, buttkake.

        • Gerry Fisher

          That cake actually looks really, REALLY good.

        • Robincho

          It needs drizzling with a nice crème anglaise…

    • That_Looks_Delicious
      • Ragnar Lothbrok

        That Looks Delicious

        • Robincho

          Eat it like porcupines fuck — VERY carefully…

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    • Crow on a Top Hat

      Cake just magically makes me too big for my clothes.😑

    • another_steve

      I can’t get any gayer. It’s a physical and mental impossibility.

      Ask anyone who knows me.

      • Ben in Oakland

        It’s true. I could out gay you sex different ways before breakfast.

    • Skip Intro
      • Derrick Johns

        LOL Yes, let’s all eat cake. Chocolate, vanilla, or butterscotch (that last flavor includes Latinos and Asians). Lets enjoy the cakes and have some balls too! LOL

      • Ben in Oakland

        Look waphat all that cake did to him. Made his head too small for his body

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      • FAEN

        Flagged

        • Oh’behr

          I always block them too. Not that it does any good.

      • clay

        baking and anointing cakes, I’m sure.

    • FAEN
      • Craig Howell

        Cheesecake can be mighty fine, too!

        • FAEN

          Can I eat cheesecake off of beefcake?

    • Derrick Johns

      Is that Reggie the football player? His buttocks are magnificent!!!

    • Paul David

      That is some gorgeous cake.

    • Gerry Fisher

      Purdy!

    • Pollos Hermanos

      I’m not sure why their cake worked considering the theme.

      https://media.giphy.com/media/xTiTnt2cGRXM5YPbQQ/giphy.gif

      • chrisinphx

        BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! What is this from?

        • Pollos Hermanos

          Not Another Teen Movie.

          • chrisinphx

            I’d forgotten all about that one! Well, I need to add it to the queue.

      • Derrick Johns

        Why do we laugh when things like this happen to old people? We all will be old some day (if we live long enough). Hell, some of us on this blog are already there.
        But I couldn’t help but laugh. It’s one of my marks to send me to hell.

    • anne marie in philly

      I eat cake too and it has NOT turned me gay (more’s the pity). 🙁

      can I just say that da menz pictured here are making me fan myself vigorously?

      • Ben in Oakland

        With a cake?

        • anne marie in philly

          no cake in my house right now…just a paper fan…
          🙂

    • Andy

      <<Online Facebook job without investment so i havea great news, at present every body can win ahundred dollar to two hundred dollar per hour atyour laptop computer and android mobile phone soconstruct your future bright for a considerablemeasure of detail visit this web site withoutany charges…. this is a not a fake and not ascammer and not report this, i request chek this link every one click on Below link and get moreinformation click on page click hare down➤➤➤➤www.cat.org.uk/snip/28557

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  • Ragnar Lothbrok

    Another Fake Christian Miracle !! I sooo beeeleave now !!

  • CanuckDon

    What he didn’t say is that the gay bar owner was actually a straight man and after eating the dry, bitter-tasting cake, decided to sell the bar and open a bakery because he knew he could make much better cakes!

  • Ragnar Lothbrok
    • dr tod

      Now you tell me!

    • Ben in Oakland

      They had wings then, ya know. Jesus wings. Jeeeeesus gives you wiiiii-Inge’s.

  • Skip Intro

    Ironically, it was that temptress Sara Lee who turned me straight but it only took one Ding Dong to bring me around.

    • Lazycrockett

      Sandra Lee is the one that got me.

      • Skip Intro

        … and do they come any cheaper than Little Debbie?

        • Tawreos

          I know quite a few people that are cheaper than Little Debbie

          • BJORN RAGNVALDR

            HEY!
            Delightfully inexpensive, please….

    • chrisinphx

      But that Little Debbie whore keeps coming around

  • PickyPecker
    • liondon#iamnotatraitor

      … and on the third day he ate again.

      • dagobarbz, fine Italian shoes

        On the third day, he rose like a souffle…lol

        • bambinoitaliano

          Only just for a nano second before he collapse like a pricked balloon.

          • dagobarbz, fine Italian shoes

            It’s because someone slammed a door…you must tiptoe around the wily souffle!

      • Gerry Fisher

        You’re very, very bad. Come, sit next to me.

  • Gustav2

    Holy Crap

  • Scribble Writer 🌹 ☭

    Reading the bible will cure you of Christianity though

  • xersnoyl

    I was saved from a life as a cute cub by several cakes. It took time… years… and many cakes

  • JWC

    Where the hell did they ever find a Christian Baker to bake a Rainbow cake Surprised their shop didn’t burn down

  • clay

    Oh, no, here, let me, just . . .

    That message prompted Wallnau to recall an incident he heard about recently in which a gay bar owner was supposedly delivered from his life of sin after eating a cake which had been prepared and prayed over by Christians . . . [as the result of the Christians losing a court case].

  • Rex

    But will the bakery make a cake for a gay wedding with the possibility of the entire wedding party going straight?

    • TexasBoy

      Well, don’t be silly. They’re afraid the cake may have so much sky fairy power that it would turn the straight wedding guests gay.

      • Rex

        The reception should be quite interesting then.

  • RickCabral

    I’ ll take a slice without the anointing. Looks delicious. I think I’ve seen it before in a context that is not anti-homo.

  • Duh-David

    I gave up Christianity for Lent.

    • pj

      i gave up christianity for good.

      • McSwagg

        Kudos for the double entendre.

        • pj

          nice that you noticed

          • McSwagg

            Puns and double entendres are my type of humor. The more subtle, the better.

      • Oh’behr

        X-tian.
        X-tra Happy.

  • Robert Anthony

    It’s not even my birthday
    But he wanna lick the icing off
    I know you want it in the worst way
    Can’t wait to blow my candles out
    He want that cake, cake, cake
    Ooh baby I like it, it’s so excited
    Don’t try to hide it
    I’mma make you my bitch

  • That_Looks_Delicious
    • PickyPecker

      I’ll see your Jesus loaf…and raise you a plate of stigmata cookies.
      https://c2.staticflickr.com/4/3304/3438847714_55bd875fa9_b.jpg

      • clay

        “Oh, that poor mime; he got lipstick on his gloves.”

      • Rex

        Oh, no, Hamburger Helper and his kids have been shot!

        • Oh’behr

          Thanks for making me chuckle minutes afterward due to your post. I’m still laughing.

      • Mark Austin

        That actually made me laugh out loud.

        I absolutely, positively am going to steal this idea and make these.

      • ChrisMorley

        Please can we have ripped abs jesus, with abdominal spear wound stigmata cakes?

      • fuzzybits

        I have a little scar in my palm from a knife slip. My old friend Monica always called it my stigmata.

        • dagobarbz, fine Italian shoes

          I have a black dot in my palm from playing with sharp pencils as a wee kiddie. I don’t call it anything.

          • fuzzybits

            Different strokes.

          • dagobarbz, fine Italian shoes

            Coulda named it ‘Spot,’ but that would just confuse the dog…

          • Oh’behr

            Gosh, mine went away. I didn’t know the spots lingered. I remember also sucking on pens on having blue spots on my tongue. I’m glad that didn’t linger either. Why I sucked on that end of the pen is beyond me.

            I used to pull out my hair as a kid because I had so much anxiety. I’m glad that healed okay. For some reason I still have a full head of hair at age 60.

          • dagobarbz, fine Italian shoes

            I stabbed my hand in grade school, and now I am over 65 and the mark is still there.
            I think it’s like a tattoo, graphite embedded under the skin.

          • greenmanTN

            Another boy stabbed me in my arm with a pencil when I was in elementary school. I haven’t checked recently but for years I had a bluish spot there from the graphite.

          • dagobarbz, fine Italian shoes

            I just checked…yup, still there! Souvenir of grade school…kids are such uncivilized monsters!

      • Gerry Fisher

        Want!

      • lymis

        When the Disney boycott didn’t work, they shot Mickey!

    • Rex

      Mary served that at her gender reveal party.

    • clay

      Easter tomb cake!

  • Taylor

    Was the cake washed down with Starbuck’s “Semen Lattes”?

    • Tawreos

      What else would you drink with it but Semen Lattes, Pro tip I get the semen on the side and straight from the tap. Much better that way.

  • Crow on a Top Hat

    Wtf are are they putting in their cakes, delusion extract?

  • Tawreos

    You would think, by now, I would give up hoping for verifiable details from these con artists.

  • JaniceInToronto

    What a HUGE pile of shit. Who would be stupid enough to fall for this crap?

  • Setting him on a life of diaBEETUS!

  • Bluto
  • Funny, I didn’t think Christian’s were suppose to make cakes for gays….

    • Steverino

      They all will clamor to do it now- they just have to “anoint” them first.

      • Oh’behr

        I’m afraid of what they’re going to anoint the cake with …
        … if it’s chocolate cake. I’m not eating it.
        Otherwise, they probably just spit in it.

    • BJORN RAGNVALDR

      …or cast spells, sounds like witchcraft to me…..burn them all.

    • Gerry Fisher

      Only conversion cakes. (If they were smart, they’d sneak the conversion cakes in as *wedding* *cakes*!!!)

  • Rex

    Surprised that he didn’t mention how the cake was sliced into four pieces but fed 5,000 people.

  • Thanks, JMG. Now I want CAKE!!!

    • Gerry Fisher

      Me too!

  • BlueberriesForMe

    What happens if you eat the pink-frosted with multi-colored sprinkles cupcakes?
    GAY! GAY! GAY! It is a blessing there is NO cure!

  • Rex

    Anointed Cakes.
    Was that the drag performer at the bar?

    • clay

      She would wear pearls on her amble bosoms, no doubt.

  • Tawreos

    It is too bad he didn’t just tell the woman to stop worrying about the sex of the person her son dated and just hope that he would find a good person that makes him happy.

    • clay

      But then he wouldn’t be able to shame her for being a shitty baker or not praying hard enough.

      • Tawreos

        Since when have christians run out of reasons to be shitty to someone?

      • Adam King

        The cake was prepared by saved hookers. Unless she’s a hooker, it wouldn’t work for her anyway.

  • Xiao Ai: The Social Gadfly

    EEgads!!! He wasn’t supposed to eat the whole cake!

  • SammySeattle

    I think that bar owner was my sister’s boyfriend’s cousin’s next-door neighbor-in-law.

  • yea yea…but did Melissa bake it?

  • 2patricius2

    I heard the story of a whole antigay church that was “slain by the Spirit” and all became gay by eating a rainbow cake.

  • Cuberly

    Not looking to be “cured”.

  • TuuxKabin

    This song so comes in handy.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxtIhIYVN_0

    Bullshit

    • djcoastermark

      This is the song that made me fall eternally in love with Grace. The Warm Leatherette album played over and over at home as an album and on 8 track in my Gran Torino cruising the highways. Good times.

      • Lars Littlefield

        I remember the Torino. I always wanted a fast back two-door, in metallic green. 🙂

        • djcoastermark

          mine was 2 door blue

          • Lars Littlefield

            Lucky devil! 🙂

  • SDG

    Does this ONLY happen in ‘murica?

    • clay

      No, Nigeria, and other nations in coastal Africa south of the Sahara, too.

      • Lars Littlefield

        And gay bartenders are “cured” with anointed Tuwo shinkafa, not cake.

      • SDG

        Any other “Western” nation?

        • clay

          Australia? maybe?
          Poland, when it’s have a really terrible month around the anniversary of John Paul II’s death.

  • Rex

    Fake News! No one bakes from scratch anymore and Duncan Hines doesn’t have a Gay Conversion cake mix.

  • geoffalnutt

    Gee, it’s a lot like Through The Looking Glass. Actually, he didn’t get “straight”, but he got really, really, really small.

  • I annointed my Roméo-Kissie-Face last night, really doused him good, but he’s still as faggy as angel food cake. Sigh… We’ll just have to keep trying… and praying that Jesus will come inside us both.

    • Adam King

      You forgot to add the sprinkles.

      • clay

        or he just didn’t mention it to us.

      • Lumpy Gaga

        Those aren’t sprinkles!

    • Rex

      That kind of anointing just makes boys gayer.

  • Treant

    So…the takeaway point here is that there’s a bar for sale?

    • Rex

      Or a church with Sunday afternoon tea dances.

  • Pablo Sánchez

    Bar owner ate cake. Cake makes you fat. Gays dont eat cake… Bar owner was never gay. (No body shamming intended.)

    • Adam King

      As a fat gay man who eats cake, I can only stare at your comment in horror.

      • Pablo Sánchez

        XOXO!

  • Adam King

    Okay. To “anoint” something means to pour oil over it. The result of “anointing” a cake is to create something so inedible that the spirit of barf will come over anyone who eats it.

    • Earl

      They could have prayed over the veggie oil used to make the cake… 🙂

      • Adam King

        No. The holiness boils out in the baking process.

        • clay

          just like the spirit in alcohol.

        • Earl

          Wrong kind of spirits. You’re supposed to drink the booze, not bake it.

    • Natty Enquirer

      A sprinkle with coconut oil wouldn’t be so bad.

    • BJORN RAGNVALDR

      They have no idea what the hell half of what they say means. The misquote and mangle the message of the bible till it’s entirely unrecognizable. But they’re buybull beliebers.

  • Rex

    It would be really ironic if it was a Devil’s Food Cake.

  • Barry William Teske

    Some people just do not understand the power of happy thoughts.
    Others take violent thoughts and incite others to self harm.
    An anointing is akin to finger prints.
    The Lord does not work in mysterious ways.
    HATE’s ‘achilles heel’ if you will.

  • Steverino

    I’d rather have an “anointed” latte from a cute young barista at Starbucks, thanks.

  • Ray Taylor

    No cake is going to break my spirit off on me.

  • Skip Intro
    • another_steve

      Yes, we do that cake here in Maryland. It’s on a lot of restaurant menus.

      The essential thing is that it must be served by a waitress with big hair and impressive bosoms.

    • sadoldguy

      Smith Island is expected to be underwater in a few years. One of its neighbors already is (mostly).
      But totally not climate related. /s

      • Adam King

        Someone left the cake out in the rain.

      • William

        Will most of the Delmarva peninsula go underwater?

    • Lars Littlefield

      I have it on good authority that all of the Smith Island cakes sold in Baltimore and surround parts are no longer baked on Smith Island. The expense of ferrying them to the mainland became too expensive.

      Also, since when did the Lady Baltimore cake get pushed to a back row of Baltimore cuisine?
      https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/451664d10d872962982d190fabee43d2ecb921cd16540dcc28edd38f3c632bb7.jpg

      • Skip Intro

        I live in Baltimore and have never seen a Smith Island Cake in the flesh … but I’ve had my fair share of these, Hon —
        https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/a8/1f/05/a81f0575e91d3100bc0e42a2f43c6e6f.jpg

        • Lars Littlefield

          That’s not a stack of Oreos, so it’s most likely not a three-way with two blacks and a white. So, I’ll go with racially integrated orgy? Of course, only the best orgies are racially integrated, with a second relief team in the dugout awaiting the right signals. 🙂

    • fuzzybits

      May as well just plaster that cake on my stomach.

  • Gigi

    Gigi: Pastor Lance Wallnau Wants To Attend A Gay Bar And Eat Cake Anointed By Hot Bartender Rogelio

  • Hmm funny, I was cured of my heterosexuality by eating anointed cock.

  • Derrick Johns

    Oh, my, too much food coloring. When just went through St. Patrick’s Day here in the East. We had green food coloring everywhere–even in beer. I guess these young White guys were pissing green pee.

  • KQCA

    Desperate to grab at any old tale…anything not to have to deal with his secret sexual attraction to other men.

    • Lars Littlefield

      Yes, anything. Even locking them in the basement until they expire.

  • Pollos Hermanos

    Yeah but the cake was an odd shape.

    https://media.giphy.com/media/Q1psXW3xWXI7S/giphy.gif

  • mikeinftl

    So that’s what we are calling it now- “anointing the cake”?

  • bkmn
    • nocadrummer

      It’s just the icing on the cake!

  • LovesIrony

    There are children in somalia that could use a cake or two

    • Adam King

      They’re not gay enough to bother saving with special foodstuffs.

  • Mike C

    Fake news.

  • Bryan

    So….. they drugged the cake? The news is they stuck LSD or molly in the cake? And then manipulated him while he was high?

  • Elsewhere1010

    I mean, I love cake — I really, really love cake — but I’m not giving up men for one, even if it’s Mary Berry’s Madeira cake with the crystallized lemon peel on top.

    Now a coconut custard pie, on the other hand…

  • narutomania

    I think that someone should inform the good Mr Wallnau what the expression “eating cake” means.

    With photo aids. And handpuppets.

    • Lars Littlefield

      And munching muffins, tossing salad, oh . . . there are so many expressions that involve eating something or other.

  • Bryan

    Completely Off-Topic, Al Franken has been tearing Judge Goolboi a couple of new fuckholes. He’s been wonderfully merciless…. and because they’re so alike I couldn’t help but channel Lewis Black watching it.

    ……and the segment ended right as I started typing this….I bloody jinxed it.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Applause for Minnesota. They’ve sent TWO excellent senators to Congress, Franken and Klobuchar.

      • Oh’behr

        Thanks, Minnesota does a few things correctly. Especially in the past. I hope Franken and Klobuchar win again.

        Though, at the moment Minnesota is engaged in a tug between the largest cities and the rural areas as the rural areas perceive they’re not getting their fair share of tax monies from the state nor the cities (which isn’t true). So it’s a bit of a battle in the Minnesota legislature now between the rural majority voted in Republicans and the city DFL (Democrat-Farmer-Labor Party). Though the suburbs also have Republicans who have to vote for their constituents and are selling them short in the long run by siding with rural areas for the most part on many issues.

        Rural areas also want a say in how large cities spend their tax monies which is preposterous.

        I just hope we don’t end up with a Republican governor in the next election with a Republican legislative majority, as then we’ll turn into another Wisconsin, Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, etc. or worse, something similar to Kansas, Florida, Mississippi, etc.

  • Clive Johnson

    You don’t need to eat magic cake to be freed from conservative Christianity, you need merely to learn critical thinking skills.

    • Lars Littlefield

      But critical thinking skills are hard. 🙂

  • kaydenpat

    Lying for White Jesus again, are we?

    • clay

      They sure as hell aren’t going to lie for Black Santa.

      • AJ Drew

        Oh, you met him? Wait, are you lying?

  • Lars Littlefield

    In other token religious news: the Mormon Church has made a video about accepting your gay son or daughter, emphasizing that family is more important than just obeying all the rules. However, if you’re gay you’ll still be excommunicated and your children will not be permitted to attend services or be baptized into the faith until they are 18 years-old. Pity.

    You can read more fluff at:http://www.sltrib.com/blogs/faithblog/5081590-155/mormon-church-releases-video-of-family

    The Disqus comments are rather rich.

  • safari
    • fuzzybits

      Wonder if that was his birthday wish?

  • fuzzybits

    I’ve checked out periscope now and then. There appears to be a few of these wack jobs on there. http://stream1.gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs/37854_o.gif

  • And he’ll be found in a gay bar or bathhouse in 3, 2, 1…

  • AJ Drew

    Dear Pastor Wallnau, I’m sorry your parents named you Lance and you have deep-abiding issues with that. Call yourself “Mike” (or whatever,) and get over it.

  • Friday

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAbullshit. 🙂

    Still amusing that the Christianists are now deciding to talk about ‘anti-gay’ ‘anointed’ *cakes* as ‘weapons’ in their ‘war.’ 🙂

    Cause of all those poor two ‘revers-oppressed’ ‘Christian Bakers’ no doubt. ;0

  • Nic Peterson

    And we wonder how Hair Furor got elected? There it is folks, plain as the goddamned nose on your face. A significant portion of the electorate craves bullshit.

    • Gianni

      When they get it they eat it up and, when given the chance, they vote for it. Pretty damned sad.

  • Tor

    Keep that shit away from me.

    Sound like it was sprung on the victim unannounced. Plus it’s third-hand hearsay.

  • AJ Drew

    OT: I would love to receive that cake. (Oh, no “anointment” please.)

  • AJ Drew

    “the spirit that was working him got broken off,” Heh…

    • Treant

      In this case, visit the ER, not a pastor. They can take those things out, and you needn’t be embarrassed. They’ve removed more things from butts than you could possibly imagine.

      • AJ Drew

        Oh, I was kinda fearing for the worker, not that which was being worked.

  • JT

    Pastor Lance Wallnau: A Gay Bar Owner Was Cured Of Homosexuality By Eating Anointed Cake

    It wasn’t the cake so much as that delicious creamy white icing that had everyone pumped up and ready for more.

  • dagobarbz, fine Italian shoes

    Anyone care to speculate what that cake was anointed with?

    • paganguy

      Butter cream frosting?

      • dagobarbz, fine Italian shoes

        With a protein shot?

  • JT

    Let them eat cake! They’ll come for it again and again.
    http://www.alanilagan.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/harry-judd-naked-cake.gif

  • geepster
  • Gerry Fisher

    I’m so glad that you feel free and easy to turn my life, love, and family into an unbelievable story designed to destroy my life, love, and family. Douche.

  • Michael

    As a Christian gay man, I have the presence of God in and over me as well. And guess what? I’m still gay.

  • djcoastermark

    In other church bulletin news from pasture Lance, Kids go to bed early saturday April 15 or the Easter Bunny ain’t gonna stop by your house with good tidings from a 2000 year old dead man rising and you ain’t gonna get no candy baskets either..

  • StSean

    let me see if i understand correctly: he spiritually roofied some guy.

  • Talisman

    And I lost 25 lbs last week on a diet of pizza, hamburgers, ice cream, and cookies.

  • Robert Conner

    They’re all insane. They’re all assholes on some level. And here’s where it all started:

    http://thegodabovegod.com/savior-just-nuts/

  • Helen Damnation 🍑™

    Wow, as soon as I clicked play, the putrid aroma of very old bullshit caused an asthma attack. Fuck these people.

  • bambinoitaliano

    Is that the cake that got left out in the park and god accidentally piss on it?

  • bmoore4026
  • zhera

    I’m surprised at the lack of Minnie’s chocolate pie in this thread!

  • teeveedub

    “Here. Here are some magic beans. Go plant them, and it will grow a huge beanstalk that will lead you to a giant.”

    How is the magic cake story any more plausible than Jack and the Beanstalk?

  • SilasMarner

    Damn right it’s crazy, and a bald face lie!

  • SFHarry

    anointed with what 🙂

  • AdamTh

    horse-shit.. period

  • RJ Bone

    Soooo, LSD?

  • NancyP

    It was the psylobicin in the cake…

  • PabloDali

    So that’s what Marie Antoinette meant?

    • coram nobis

      She’s now a senior fellow at the Sara Lee Institute for Public Policy, and a sponsor of the PBS NewsHour.

  • Ben in Oakland

    No man ever went straight from eating cock.

    Oh wait. I misread it.

  • EqualityForAll

    I guess I ate too many Hostess Twinkies as a kid.

  • coram nobis

    Try the Spicer cake.

  • Gianni

    Does the person who is to be saved from being gay have to know that they are eating an “Anointed Cake” for the magic to work or does it do the trick even if the intended is uninformed of its powers?

  • Jerry Kott

    What I don’t get is this obsession that some still have that Gay folks are emotional cripples who limp through life yearning to be a practicing heterosexual and be just like them. That we never reach a point of self acceptance and loving and get on with our lives. I swear these so-called heterosexuals, think about Gay sex more than I do. They are not so much disturbed by the actual thoughts but the reality they are having them.
    Have they tried giving the bartender a slice of Cherry Pie?

  • M Jackson

    trump will tweet it out during his first crap tomorrow morning.

  • Alex Polkovsky

    Those sneaky Hobitses! Alwa anointing people when they’re not looking!

    Religion really is the placebo that only works when you think everyone else has the placebo. Oh, your powerful horse shit is truly the God’s own powerful sky magic!

    Having solved all other problems, God retires to eternity of fixing the perfect humans created in episode one.

  • Wacky Christianists, at it again. Might I suggest Pastor Wallnau might be cured of his affliction by the application of semen-filled cups of Starbucks coffee provided by that other crazy pastor at ATLAH?

  • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

    And I recall the story of me, when I “anointed” a hand towel once, and suddenly my doorbell rang. There stood Henry Cavill in a jockstrap, holding a bottle of Tito’s and box of condoms.

    Praise heaven.

  • andrew

    Lance should tell Pope Francis that his priests don’t have to call in exorcists to drive out demon spirits. Just teach them to bake cakes. LOL.

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  • greenmanTN

    An aside, but thank you to the JMG community for being a bunch of snarky, iconoclastic, smart and thoughtful (non-gendered) bitches who make it so much fun and educational to come here and see what you have to say. You have truly helped keep my sanity over the last few months.

    Brown-nosing moment over. 😉

    https://youtu.be/bEbSkybMuqs

    (This clip doesn’t show it, but he doesn’t go off the cliff, but picks up his bango and keeps singing.)

  • “Anointed cake”? Pfft! The jokes write themselves.

  • RJ (TO)

    Yet Christian bakers refuse to bake “gay” cakes. You’d think they’d jump at the chance to convert all the gays by baking the damn cake but then secretly anointing it. I’m sure they’d get extra gold stars from Jesus.

  • lymis

    I only skimmed the article, but I think it’s wonderful of that mother to pray for homosexuals to be delivered to her son.

    I’ve always thought that would be handy. At least, if we can pick them in advance, like from a catalogue.

  • Name

    I thought Christians didn’t want to bake cakes for gays. So confusing.

  • Maverick

    Please. What gay man would actually eat a piece of cake? That’s how I know this story is bullshit lol.

    • Gianni

      I love cake.