Kellyanne Conway: I’d Rather “Slit My Wrists, Bleed Out, Jump Off The Bridge” Than Have Sean Spicer’s Job

New York Magazine today published a lengthy interview with Propaganda Minister Kellyanne Conway. Here’s the bit getting the most attention:

“I don’t do the press briefings,” she explained. “Sean does!” Walking into a small office space behind the briefing lectern, she could see that her words had already made their way to various cable-news chyrons, which thrilled her. “And there it is!” she said, looking at the TV. “ ‘Conway: Flynn has the confidence of the president!’ ” She let out a giddy laugh. “Quoted in real time!”

A few minutes later, leaning on her desk, she looked at her iPhone, with its giant font and banner alerts, and noticed that news had broken that Flynn had extended an apology to Pence. She mumbled the headline aloud. “Hmm,” she said. “Did we really need to put that out there?” She ate a few pieces of cinnamon-flavored Orbit, the gum of choice of Sean Spicer, who’s technically the public face of the new administration, though Conway was first floated as an obvious pick for press secretary. Asked if she would ever want his job, she rolled her eyes. “Slit my wrists, bleed out, put cement shoes on, jump off the bridge, and then I’ll take the job — are you kidding me?”

Hit the link if you care to know why Conway’s code name with the Secret Service is “Blueberry.”

  • dcurlee

    Hope she gets a promotion

    • Stogiebear

      She gave vaginal birth four times. Why not?

      (And I thought I had no filter…. Jesus!)

  • Treant

    Go on… Also, check my bathroom, I think we still have some of my dad’s old Coumadin, and there’s a lovely bridge not ten miles from you. Not that I’m suggesting anything.

  • Ben in Oakland

    OK, I’ll make sure you don’t have his job.
    Now, feel free to slice or jump away.

  • RJ Bone

    Nope. Too easy. I’m just leaving that one to Kelly.

  • mattdocmartin

    I’ll accept that.

  • Boreal
    • Christian1234567

      YUCK….I need brain bleach now

    • GeoffreyPS

      Kelly gets her teeth cleaned.

      • Gerry Fisher

        That is WRONG!

    • Chitown Kev

      Damn!

    • JCF

      I hope none of y’all are missing the text bubble: “BRB I have to pee” (Ew! Although one would think she could keep texting while peeing here?)

      • Oh’behr

        Eww, so that how he does it. Eww. Now I do need double brain bleaching.

  • That_Looks_Delicious

    Oh, now she’s just being a tease.

    • DaddyRay

      Sorry, didin’t see you had the comment covered

      • That_Looks_Delicious

        I think we all had the same thought.

  • KCMC
  • Proud MOFO Beaner (bkb)

    Come, don’t tease us Kellyanne

    OT: Paul Ryan has been “dreaming” about cutting Medicaid since a young dudebro at the kegger. Sickening

    http://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2017/3/17/14960358/paul-ryan-medicaid-keg

    • Guest

      Or read a thread here earlier.

  • vorpal

    Oh no…
    There is something that KellyAnne Conway and I have in common :(.
    I would rather slit my wrists, bleed out, and jump off a bridge :(.

  • boobert

    Someone PLEASE offer her the job! lol But she’s probably just lying again.

  • AtticusP

    Go ahead, hon: I’ll hand you a straight edge razor and give you a little push.

    • another_steve

      I’ll help build a bridge for the occasion.

      • Mrs. Councillor Nugent

        Or just go across this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFzu6CNtqec

        • another_steve

          What’s remarkable is that the announcer says it was a
          “40 MPH gale” that caused the devastation.

          40 MPH?

          That was an unusually ferocious wind back in the bridge’s day?

          • Acronym Jim

            No, it wasn’t. Hence the reason the bridge only lasted a little over four months from opening to collapse.

          • another_steve

            Boy… talk about careful pre-construction planning. Lol.

            When I lived in NYC I lived near the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge that connects Brooklyn and Staten Island. At the time of its construction it was the longest suspension bridge in the world, but that’s no longer the case.

            During its construction in the 1960s, we locals had heard that a construction worker had fallen into one of the bridge’s massive supporting “legs” and was left there due to the near-impossibility of getting him out in one piece.

            New Yorkers since then have told me that the story was urban legend only. Not true. But I grew up believing it, and freaked out every time my dad drove over the bridge.

          • Bad Tom

            The bridge failed due to wind resonance.

            It wasn’t the strength of the wind, per se, it was that the particular structure of that bridge was sensitive to certain speeds of wind. The same basic phenomenon underlies the Aeolian harp.

            You can form what is called a sparse matrix which represents the multitude of connections between the various wires, plates, surfaces and connecting bolts of the structure you are analyzing.

            Then you solve the matrix by finding the corresponding eigenvector and eigenvalues. You have to do that by computer.

            The solved matrix represents the vibrational modes of the whole structure, and predicts sensitivities such as this bridge had.

            If you ever wondered what linear algebra was good for, that’s one thing: making sure bridges don’t fall down in the wind.

          • ColdCountry

            ♥♥♥!

          • Bob Conti

            OK, I got “[t]he bridge failed…” and then you got all sciency and mathy. And since I don’t understand it, it either doesn’t exist or isn’t important. Isn’t that the country’s new mindset?

          • Bad Tom

            Yes. Which is why all bridges will fall down in a 40mph wind in Trump’s America, MABFDA, Make America’s Bridges Fall Down Again, a perfect slogan if we’ve ever heard one.

          • ColdCountry

            “and then you got all sciency and mathy.”
            (That’s the sexy part. :D)

          • Bad Tom

            Thanks! 😉

            Linear algebra has become a very useful tool for me personally. It is the basis of a class of machine learning (i.e., Artificial Intelligence,) algorithms called linear classifiers.

            Such algorithms depend upon encoding samples into a high dimension hyperspace, plotted in relation to a decision hypersurface to classify each sample. Google uses a somewhat similar technique to perform searches. I use a multi-stage matrix of linear classifiers to filter sensory data in the AI system I am developing. It can detect network behavioral anomalies in one minute, well below the industry goal of five minute detection.

            I should stop before our patent attorney gets angry with me… :-0

          • ColdCountry

            Your secrets are safe with me, I’d need a lot of dedicated time to understand any of that. But I love people who are smart, who use their smarts, and who know lots of stuff but aren’t snobbish about it; who actually love to show it to others because they think it’s neat, not to show off. And I love passion; it’s sexy. Just watch someone like David Garret, or listen to someone who loves their subject. Passionate people are alive and vibrant.

          • Whicker Park

            Galloping Gertie!

          • another_steve

            Thanks for that, Tom.

            I was never very good with science. To this day, I’m afraid of our microwave oven.

            I leave it and its intricacies to my husband.

          • ColdCountry

            What amazes me the most in that video is not the motion of the bridge, but how long it withstood the extreme movement before falling apart.

          • Bad Tom

            Which shows that the construction was actually pretty good.
            The design, however, was fatally flawed.

          • ColdCountry

            That’s kind of what I was thinking. Had it not been for that design flaw, that bridge might have lasted forever. It was tough!

          • Bad Tom

            IIRC, the Tacoma Narrows bridge failure is discussed in this fabulous book: Why Buildings Fall Down: How Structures Fail
            ——-
            I borrowed the book from a friend, so I can’t easily check.

          • ColdCountry

            (Added to my Amazon wish list.) Looks fascinating. I went to youtube and listened to some recordings of Aeolian harps, and I have to admit that I had to listen to one for any length of time, I think I’d go homicidal. That steady drone is worse than my tinnitus.

          • Bad Tom

            They were considered unearthly, and “full of the Devil” when they were invented.

        • Oh’behr

          The driver’s dog died when the car fell into the water. That narrator didn’t mention it. It’s also not a river there. Duh, narrator.

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        • Oh’behr

          Nah, just type up Kellyanne Conway’s resume and send it in. That’s a better job than anything on Googleie.commie paying a mere $3,000 a week.

          Plus she’s going to slit wrists, bleed, jump off a bridge, she is promising a side show.

    • Mrs. Councillor Nugent

      I’ll be happy to strop that razor for you

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      • unsavedheathen

        I’ll hold your hair.

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  • crewman

    She thinks whatever she’s paid to think.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZeJhPsXh50

  • ByronK

    Well, Kellyanne, as a high powered political figure at the centre of power, or at least rubbing up and down on it like a cat high on catnip, I’m sure you wouldn’t want to be seen as someone who is all talk and no action. So jump to it kitty!

  • DaddyRay

    She is such a tease

    • Stogiebear

      I initially read that as “she is such a disease.”

    • Gerry Fisher

      Seriously!

  • Lazycrockett

    Next weeks announcement: “Please welcome The Drumpf’s Administration’s new Press Secretary Kelly Anne Conway.”

    • Treant

      We must hope.

  • I dare you! I double dog dare you! Go on. Make my day.

  • Lazycrockett
    • Cuberly

      He’s shaped like an avocado.

      • Robincho

        Napiform. It’s a thing…

      • Lawerence Collins

        Hey now, leave avocados 🥑 out of this!

        • Cuberly

          lol…I think I’m the only person on the planet that can’t stand avocados. Guacamole, bleh!

          • anne marie in philly

            nope, I’m with ya on this one!

          • Cuberly

            Wooo hoo! And here I thought I was alone in this!

          • anne marie in philly

            nope. may I have a bite of your twinkies?

          • Cuberly

            But of course! They’re like the loaves and fishes…endless supply!

          • anne marie in philly

            thank you, dear! (smacks her lips)
            now where did that cream filling cum from? (see what I did there)

          • Cuberly

            Oh my….lol…(fans self)….

          • anne marie in philly

            I thought so… (grin)

          • Bomer

            Not alone. I dislike them too.

      • TuuxKabin

        Or the original Mary Bartlett Pear.

    • Treant

      Please don’t make me go there. Please.

      • Robincho

        Aw, c’mon. Go there already… 😉

    • Earl

      Cause he has a birth defect, the silver spoon wasn’t in his mouth when he was born. It was in the other end, nature couldn’t see the difference. 🙂

      On edit; it was also more of a shovel than a spoon…

      • Mikey

        I was thinking more of a snowblower

    • pj

      pole up his ass

    • Jerry Kott

      His kids remind of white trash trying to look sophisticated with their noises in the air, like putting on airs- they must have learned that in “gettin fancy” classes.

    • kareemachan

      He’s thinking about playing with himself in that stump photo.

    • FAEN

      In my fantasy world he and his brother would be the hunted ones. Id have them run naked through the jungle and see how they like it.

      Do all the men in that family have tiny pee pee’s?

      • Ernest Endevor

        Yes.

    • Bryan

      He’s a human bad drawing.

      • Todd20036

        Badly Drawn Boy was a great singer.

    • Gerry Fisher

      His human suit was bunching up.

      • Whicker Park

        I hope it itches him to death!

    • Cuberly
    • david fairfield

      Because daddy’s arm is all the way up his puppet butt.

    • Robincho

      It’s almost as if his ass were, like, super-sensitive or something. Is Bannon doing some dick target practice?…

    • olandp

      Learned it from his daddy.

  • Gay Fordham Prep Grad

    OMG…I just had a spontaneous orgasm! Why for the first time ever, THANK YOU, Kellyanne.

  • Earl

    Wrists? She’s not talking about suicide, she’s making a plea for help.

    If she would rather have died, she would carve down for death not talked about carving across the wrists; that gets you the hospital.

    • Treant

      “Across for attention, up and down for results.” –Family Guy

      It’s crass, but certainly true.

  • sadoldguy

    Don’t get your hopes up, you know they never keep their promises.

  • worstcultever

    What a relief SHE doesn’t have to defend the indefensible.

    Oh wait, she does.

    So what’s her bullshit point?

    Or is this some backhanded cry for help?

  • pj

    i am mystified that the media finds this idiot interesting.

  • Here is Kellyanne applying for the job:

    http://i.imgur.com/fE3bqtd.gif

    • Treant

      Can I just spare a few words on how much I hate that myself? I attach my resume, just as you wished, but now you want me to input the history?

      Or worse, the program tries to read it all by itself off the resume, which is in a standard bullet format, and fails miserably, costing me twice as much time as it would to simply re-enter the damned thing in the form.

        • The Jeebus dries nails service?

      • That_Looks_Delicious

        ?!?! Do they have computers reading resumes now? This is new to me.

        • KCMC

          Yes. And though job coach informed me it is not legal, most resume bots kick out age/experience from graduation date.
          Agism bites in online applications.

          • That_Looks_Delicious

            Wow, that is an incredibly terrible idea. Although, in my company, we have been relying much more on the interview(s) and references in making hiring decisions than we do on the resume. Still, you need a discerning set of human eyes on the resumes to find the right people.

        • Treant

          Yes, but they’re very bad at it.

      • cleos_mom

        Sometime during the 1990s, I applied for a job at the County’s animal shelter. They wanted info about every employer I’d ever had — counting part-time and summer jobs, I’ve been in the work force since 1966 — but the address of every home I’d ever lived in, from infancy on. During the 1970s I had a data entry gig with the IRS and they didn’t ask for half of that.

        • Treant

          “Tell me about the time you asked a straight question” is the comeback that always comes to mind. One never asks it, of course.

        • ColdCountry

          I’ve encountered those “entire work history” things before – as well as “every address and phone number you’ve ever had AND every employers’ address and phone number, too”! – to which I usually ask, “Are you kidding me?” They frequently answer, “the last ten (or even five) years will be fine.” Usually, I don’t even ask. I give them the last one to three employers and figure 30 years is enough. (That would be now; I do have a LOT of work history prior to growing up, ie, getting a mortgage.)

          Oh, yeah, and dates of employment. Right. And immediate supervisor’s name. Sure.

          • Oh’behr

            I think it’s rather amusing that I had the same (family) phone number for 40 some years as my Mom kept the same landline. It only change the prefix when Capitol went back to the city from the suburbs and we also got International Direct dialing (I think) in 1976 at the same time.

            Otherwise, with cell phone and moving, I’ve probably had since college in 1976, probably 40 phone number to now. Ouch, I don’t even remember my last phone number.
            I barely remember my last address. Though I remember places where I lived as a child.

  • Cuberly

    Read about ScamWay? Uh, no…I have more important things to do.

    https://twitter.com/xeni/status/843003546983370757

    • That_Looks_Delicious

      I kind of dislike when contemporary artists do the whole 70s/80s retro thing in black & white photographs, because it’s so ahistorical. There were almost no black & white photos at the time (except as they were printed in newspapers). Color photography had take over everything. B&W photography didn’t come back in style until photographers like Herb Ritts and Bruce Weber brought it back big-time in the late 80s/early 90s.

    • Acronym Jim
  • TrollopeReader

    Oh, Kellyanne … please, go for it !!

    “I’d Rather “Slit My Wrists, Bleed Out, Jump Off The Bridge”

  • RJ Bone

    Wow, that article.

    “Oh, I’m hounded day and night! Oh I never have privacy! Ohh my haters are sooo meeeeean! Oh, how horrible!”

    *super-false swoon*

  • JT

    Kellyanne Conway: I’d Rather “Slit My Wrists, Bleed Out, Jump Off The Bridge” Than Have Sean Spicer’s Job

    We’d rather have that too.

  • Mark

    Don’t let that small detail stop you.

  • lymis

    You do realize that if you go ahead with your plan, you won’t ever have his job, don’t you dear?

    So, win-win.

  • Miji

    Please proceed, counselor.

  • Dirty Harry

    Kellyanne would get makeup & jewelry messed up on this stunt. “Slit my wrists, bleed out, put cement shoes on, jump off the bridge, and then I’ll take the job — are you kidding me?”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8L8UCfxmtSw

    • Treant

      You couldn’t get me in that suit to save my life.

      Now Alex? You could get me in Alex.

      • Robincho

        That’s odd — MY obvious choice for a point of entry is evidently totally different from Alex’s obvious choice =…

    • BobSF_94117

      I can only assume that the vapor trail is aerosol pee.

    • Todd20036

      Some people sure as hell are bored enough to pull a stunt like that. I’ll bite. How’d he land?

      • BJORN RAGNVALDR

        They deploy a parachute before landing.

    • BJORN RAGNVALDR

      That’s how he died last August. Crashed into a tree.

    • Oh’behr

      I would have loved to see him land; the ending.

  • greenmanTN

    Promises, promises…

  • Blake J Butler

    Just beautiful imagery. I’m a twisted and complicated soul but KAC and sphincter’s mothers
    would have benefited from the morning after pill.

    Or as patsy stone would say: Abort! Abort! Abort! Abort!

  • TrollopeReader

    Is the article 3 to 6 inches of snowflakes? ‘cuz that’s the forecast here tomorrow …..

    • Sam_Handwich

      i’ve been wondering what to expect west of the canal. forecast models are still uncertain

      • TrollopeReader

        same on this side ….

    • Treant

      Fortunately, ours was canceled. We were supposed to get 1 to 6″ depending on altitude and exactly where you were. Now it’s half an inch to an inch.

      Post the fourteen we got from the last storm, that’s just as well.

      • Mikey

        oh my god, they changed our forecast.. and it’s now a full week of sun, with temps just above freezing!

  • Michael R

    Let’s just hope she’s held responsible for what she’s done

    https://s27.postimg.org/fyvwxi1j7/kellyanne_sharks_blood_KAC.jpg

  • Chrissy

    OT: Broadway and The Beast soars. Franklin Graham’s boycott fizzles. Now more businesses are going to demand boycotts from the evangelist.

  • Comixbear

    It’s a deal.

  • kareemachan

    Whatever, Blueberry Conjob.

  • Puck

    I don’t believe her, I think she should show us!!!

  • my partner wants me to say: wow, i’m glad that her make up artist hates her. she looks worse every time i see her. i wonder if she even knows that make up artist is putting blackening effect under her eyes, just to make her look more like an evil witch. it works.

    • Skokieguy [Larry]

      Thank you. Its no more than high school theater level makeup training required to make her look reasonably healthy. I generally think its wrong to snark on looks, but there is a baseline of looking reasonably healthy and groomed that someone who chooses to regularly appear on TV should have. There are many times where her hair doesn’t even looked freshly washed and styled.

    • canoebum

      That’s the Dorian Gray effect. The real Kelly Ann is on vacation. They screwed up yet again and put the portrait on tv.

      • TuuxKabin

        Max really Factor.

  • Stogiebear

    So is “horsepower” her Secret Service escort or Ann Coulter?

  • Craig S

    Blueberry as in Violet Beauregarde

  • Carl

    Can we put the nerds back in charge again?

  • Trevor Brown

    For once I agree with Kelly. I’d rather have you slit your wrists than have you be press secretary

    • Reality.Bites

      Like all Republicans she over-promises and under delivers

      • Gianni

        Good point!

  • News headline next week: “Kellyanne Conway named new White House Press Secretary. When asked for comment, she said, “I couldn’t be happier. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime and I look forward to Monday’s briefing.”

    • canoebum

      LO fuckin’L

  • JWC

    hey Kelly Great plan Knockyourself out Oh and take Sean Sphincter with you

  • She reminds me of the psycho bitch from “That 70s Show”

    • Lazycrockett

      So she’s gonna OD on Meth also?

      • No. Talking about the character “Caroline” who had a psychotic crush on “Fez”, on the sitcom from early 2000s. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0720086/

        • Lazycrockett

          Ah thought you were talking bout the sister who disappeared in season 2 or 3.

  • Michael R
  • sadoldguy

    She is such a tease.

  • FAEN

    My god you’re ugly.

  • sfjohn

    we’re waiting………..

  • Walter Maerlyn

    Very classy. What a wonderful display for the children.

  • ggg

    I don’t understand secret service code names, but aren’t they supposed to be secret? Shouldn’t they change it if everyone knows what it is and why? At that point why not just use her real name?

  • Sam_Handwich

    o/t

    joe reported on this yesterday, before the creep was ID’d

    https://twitter.com/Lompemann/status/842933902624899072

    • Mr. Rivello is about to spend a whole lot of time behind bars, seeing as how he repeatedly boasted about literally — not figuratively but literally — wanted to murder Mr. Eichenwald via induced epileptic seizures.

    • Adam King

      If he’d just go ahead and grow out his mullet he wouldn’t have to wear that stupid hat.

      • BobSF_94117

        It’s a camouflage hat. His “friends” put it on him while he was napping as a prank. He has no idea he’s wearing it.

    • Cuberly

      Gosh, I’m sure if we weren’t so gosh darn condescending we could have reasoned with the guy.

      /s

      • JCF

        Points!

        • Cuberly

          ; )

    • Todd20036

      Dad must be so proud. Hell, maybe he actually is.

    • Gerry Fisher

      Elections aren’t the only actions with consequences.

  • Dot Beech

    GIVE HER THE JOB!!!

  • j.martindale

    Yeah, I would slit my wrists before representing that POS, too.

  • bkmn

    Feel free to shut up at any time.

  • EweTaw

    Coincidentally, I have similar feelings about the prospect of being stuck in the same room with Kellyanne.

  • cleos_mom

    I’d say give her that job but she’d probably change her mind once she had it.

  • HZ81

    Gee, is this Sean Spicer fellow the first White House Press Secretary? Oh, he isn’t? It’s been a tough job in every single administration since the position was created?

    Sorry all of your jobs are too tough for you clowns. Some of us voted for competency.

  • EweTaw

    Dingleberry woud be a more appropriate code name.

  • geoffalnutt

    I see the face…I switch away. Sorry, Joe – I just can’t.

  • Bryan

    “Conway told me before the Flynn mishap. ‘I’ve spoken 1.2 million words on TV, okay? You wanna focus on two here and two there, it’s on you, you’re a fucking miserable person…'”

    No, not quite.

  • SunsetGay

    Mason Verger: Cordell! Shoot him!
    Cordell: I don’t want anything to do with this.
    Verger: You are INVOLVED is what you are! Now shoot him!

    Hannibal: Hey Cordell, why don’t you push him in? You can always say it was me.

  • BlindBill

    OK sweetie, …just remember that it is down the road and not across the street

  • coram nobis

    14th Street Bridge is that way, Ms. Conway.

  • Mike_in_the_Tundra

    Somebody give her Sean’s job!

  • Aaron

    Kellyanne Conway should want Spicer’s job – for the good of the country! Who else will inform us about tragedies like the Bowling Green Massacre?

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  • labdad95

    Make sure you use a Gillette super blue.

  • David Milley
  • Natty Enquirer

    She certainly has thought things through.

    • Cuberly

      Yep, a confusingly long and descriptive rant there wasn’t it.

  • Don’t know if this has been posted, but it’s pretty good:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ojvk-4IcOE

    “If the BBC interview guy had been a mom instead.”

  • She hates Spicer because his face is even. Both his eye bags match. Both his eyes point in the same direction. And he doesn’t have to go to a mortician to have his makeup done.

    • Gianni

      A bit blunt, but thank you. That was to the point and it definitely clarified the issue for me. 🙂 Too often, people try to read way too deeply into things.

  • That_Looks_Delicious

    OT
    ….aaaaand for the 50% of millenials who didn’t bother voting and the 22% that voted Trump or third party, this should be a teachable moment. Maybe Susan Sarandon can pay these fees for them. Unfortunately, the 28% that did the right thing are going to suffer this too.

    http://www.dailykos.com/stories/2017/3/18/1644592/-Betsy-DeVos-and-Donald-Trump-give-lenders-the-go-ahead-to-soak-students-for-thousands-in-late-fees

  • BobSF_94117

    “Slit My Wrists, Bleed Out, Jump Off The Bridge”

    Isn’t that order some sort of admission that she’s among the Undead?

  • Wynter Marie Starr

    Is anyone else hoping donnie makes her take this job?

  • JDS
  • DoctorDJ

    “Slit my wrists, bleed out, put cement shoes on, jump off the bridge,…”

    Can I help?

    • Ben in Oakland

      The per question is: Can I help you OUT?

  • Frostbite

    Quick! Someone give her Sean Spicer’s job!

  • Gianni

    She is such a tease!

  • Dean Cameron

    You’re HIRED, Kellyanne!

  • clay

    What, exactly, does she counsel the president about? the media?
    So, she’s like Spicer’s boss, but without the exposure? Coward.

    • Gerry Fisher

      I think you called it right.

    • Friday

      I really don’t mind not hearing her voice or looking at her so much, really.

  • Gerry Fisher

    On that one particular point–having to justify SCPOTUS’ latest rantings in front of a room full of reporters–I’d have to agree with her. I don’t understand why anyone would want that job. At least Kellyanne is smart/verbal enough to dodge and manipulate one journalist at a time. The last thing she’d want is several triangulating upon her.

  • nocadrummer

    I’m sure there are millions who’d be willing to give you a hand, Kellyanne.
    Either WITH these tasks, or after completing them.

    • Cucker “Dick” Tarlson

      I’ve got cement mix in the garage. Gimme a minute and I’ll be right over.

  • TheManicMechanic

    Stop teasing my fantasies, bitch.

  • Christopher

    Well, we’re waiting Kellyanne.

  • Dumb as Dirt

    Will she get the hint now when Trump demands that she take the job?

    I would love to see Conway and Palin mudwrestle in a stupid-off.

    • Oh’behr

      … and Palin’s wig comes off. Eeek!

  • Tom (wpg)

    Yeah, a true razor’s edge: on one side, the media expects the truth, on the other side,your boss wants to hide the truth. Solution, get a real job. Or slit…

  • GayOldLady

    🙂 I know Sean has that same thought everyday, but that’s what you get when you throw in with a criminal bastard who wants to kill us all. I hope you guys are 3 levels below deck when the ship goes down.

    • MonochromeMouse

      I hope when the ship sinks they all go overboard and the sharks eat them.

      • GayOldLady

        Yikes!!!!! 🙂

  • MonochromeMouse

    Please do, Blueberry, that would truly be a step toward making America great again.

  • Robert Conner

    We’re here for you, Kellyanne! Which part do you need help with, dear? The wrist slitting? The cement shoes? The jump off the bridge? Reach out, Kellyanne! Any number of us would drop whatever we’re doing, including CPR on Dad, and help you with those career objectives.

    • canoebum

      The really important question here is, which bridge? There are so many excellent candidates from which to chose.

      • Robert Conner

        Something very high. No do-overs!

        • Robincho

          I vote for the Royal Gorge bridge in Colorado…

          • Robert Conner

            Works for me. Does she make an appointment or do they accept walk-ins?

    • charlesburchfield

      Oh, you are really such a pretty one.
      I see you’ve gone and changed your name again.
      And just when I climbed this whole mountainside,
      to wash my eyelids in the rain!

      Oh, so long, kellyanne
      It’s time that we began to laugh
      And cry and cry and laugh about it all again
      https://youtu.be/x2oYwdgJz4Q

  • billbear1961

    Oh, she WANTS that job.

    • ColdCountry

      Very badly, it seems.

  • Javier Smith

    Remember; Horizontal = hospital. Down is for death.

  • Lumpy Gaga

    Why can’t we do both?

  • Ninja0980

    Don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep.

  • Bryan

    One highlight from the article:
    “I’d invited Conway on a whim and didn’t expect her to show, so by the time she arrived with her entourage, the entrée we had ordered to share, a steak, was sitting on the table. Conway gestured to the plate and asked if she could have some. ‘Sure,’ we said, ‘of course.’
    She then reached her hand across the table and, rather than the steak, picked up the roughly seven-inch-long decorative scallion resting on top. Then she tilted her head back and put it in her mouth, like a sword swallower on Coney Island or a snake eating a mouse.
    About ten minutes later she remarked that she thought it was a piece of asparagus.”

    • ByronK

      Ain’t she classy!!

    • Calçots

      That’s nothing, she deep-throats Trump’s onions twice daily.

    • Chitown Kev

      That is so fucking skanky…

      • Bryan

        I’m sure she thought she was being fun and insouciant.

    • ColdCountry

      I’m not sure what disturbed me the most about that story, but in the end, I think it was that she couldn’t tell a scallion from a piece of asparagus. Kinda similar to not being able to tell the truth from an outrageous lie.

      • Bryan

        Sheltering yourself against the world so much that you don’t know basic facts. Or vegetables!

  • Gerry Fisher

    I just finished reading the whole New Yorker interview, and I came away chilled to the bone, not because of anything written there, but because of what’s *not* there. No consistent sense of self, no principles, no moral compass, no sense of concern about the consequences of actions. It’s all about being a star, the fun of wrecking havoc, and “winning.” We have a group of hollow pseudo-people–all broken in different ways–inhabiting the White House and unleashing their nihilism on the rest of us. [shudder]

    • Robert Conner

      Very nicely summarized!

    • BobSF_94117

      Her moral compass points to her.

    • ColdCountry

      And a lack of critical thinking skills. Her defense of alternative facts by comparing outright lies to “partly sunny – partly cloudy” or “glass half full – glass half empty” had me yelling at the computer screen.

  • david fairfield

    Why? Both of them are whores for the Trump. I’m sick of people feeling sorry for Spicer. He is repeating what he KNOWS are lies, therefore he has ZERO integrity. If he wants that perception to differ he should quit. Walk away and maybe people might have a shred of respect for him but he’s a SELLOUT, a coward and a LIAR, every single day. He not only doubles down on his lies but he treats the press like shit when they question him. Frankly why do they continue to go? They can get the same info from the tweets and save a lot of time, all he does is defend them with alternative facts. He’s disgusting.

    • 2guysnamedjoe

      Meanwhile, reporters should stop attending Sphincty’s pressers and start doing some actual reporting, you know, JOURNALISM. Follow the goddamn money!

  • BobSF_94117

    Once she slits her wrists and bleeds out, she’s gonna need a ride to the bridge and some help over the rails…

    • Paula Key

      How can you ‘bleed out’ when there is no human blood inside?

      • Adam King

        The gasses escape.

    • 2guysnamedjoe

      My back seat is covered with an old shower curtain and ready to go.

  • anne marie in philly

    “I’d Rather Slit My Wrists, Bleed Out, Jump Off The Bridge” – (sigh) if only…

  • dafs

    I guess she’s averse to lying in front of people who might object.

  • 3-Star

    Let’s start a petition with moveon.org to have her reassigned.

    • 2guysnamedjoe

      Reassigned where? Someone that dishonest has no place in government, and should have no place in private industry. Her only job match is consigliere to the Russian mafia.

      • 3-Star

        Where? Reassigned to Sean Spicer’s job of course. She said she does not want his job and that she would slit her wrists if she had his job. Get it? If she gets reassigned to Sean’s job then she will cuts her wrists and jump off a bridge. Sorry I did not make clear the location of reassignment.

  • Capritaur

    Blueberry? Must be the mushy, bruised, slightly fermented kind.

    • 2guysnamedjoe

      The kind birds shit on your just-washed laundry on the clothesline.

  • Mikey

    honestly, I would love it if she slit her wrists or jumped off a bridge… or even both.
    I don’t like wishing ill on others, but these republicans are such fundamentally evil people.

  • Xiao Ai: The Social Gadfly

    Slit my wrists, bleed out, put cement shoes on, jump off the bridge, and then I’ll hit the link because I really don’t care to know anything more about “Miss Snowjob”.

  • Barry William Teske

    Sadly, blueberries leave stains.
    But what is a girl to do?

  • HappyDance904

    Please, do us the favor!!!

  • Homo Erectus
  • Keith D Plane

    Please Kelly pretty please. I would even turn the sound on this time.

  • Chitown Kev

    That’s nice, KellyAnne, but can you please slit your wrists and go jump off of a fucking bridge, anyways?

  • Promises, promises … waiting with baited breath!

  • JCF

    Big Talk! Offer her the job—it’s not like Spicey is doing anything w/ it—and let’s find out. >;-)

  • normadesmond

    Blueberry? Was Twatberry already taken?

    • CharlestonDave

      It had to start with B. So maybe “Bitchberry?” “Blowhard?”

  • Chitown Kev

    OK, rather than throw this on a Chuck Berry memorial thread, I’ll leave this attached to this post

    https://twitter.com/JasonKander/status/843227257061761024

    First, there Depeche Mode as his favorite band and now…not only did Nazi Richard Spencer got PWNED by Jason Kander but,,,I mean if I know that a guy like Depeche Mode and showtunes (from Cabaret of all shows) then…well…

  • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

    I’d Rather Slit My Wrists, Bleed Out, Jump Off The Bridge Than Have Sean Spicer’s Job

    This may be the only truthful statement Kellyanne Conjob has ever made.

  • manfredo

    well, i know you are a compulsive liar, so i will take this to mean that you either do or do not want sean spicer’s job.
    gee. not really useful listening to the things you say.

  • Ernest Endevor

    I was happier before I ever heard her name.

  • SnowFlake

    wonder how many razors she will receive in the mail now.

  • CharlestonDave

    “freakish facility with falsehoods” according to the article…well-crafted wording!

  • Michael Hampton

    Quick! Someone offer her his job!!

  • B Snow

    And my first thought was “She’s telling the truth for once.”

  • Rocco

    Promises promises.