How Do You Solve A Problem Like Delgaudio? [VIDEO]

Screamingly whacko Virginia-based anti-gay nutjob Eugene Delgaudio has emerged from his darkened warehouse full of lurking long-haired homosexual men to lead the “Confirm Gorsuch Chorus” in a painfully off-key anthem set to the tune of – and I’m not kidding – How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria? from The Sound Of Music. Watch below. I’ve included the original as an ear salve.

  • bkmn
    • Oscarlating Wildely

      Technically, it’s “hanged.”
      Sorry, pet peeve. Pictures are hung. So is Michael Fassbender, but that’s another story.

  • Rex

    I can’t listen to this, I just had an exorcism.

    • bkmn

      I can’t listen to this, I value my sanity.

      • unsavedheathen

        I can’t listen to this. Life is too short for shitty music.

    • BlueberriesForMe

      How did it go, on a scale of 1-10?

      (“1” being totally non-demonic, at least at this time,
      “10” still breathing out fire and having horns?)

  • MusicBear88

    Even if I weren’t a vocal coach and professional singer, I would be wincing now.
    Even if I weren’t a liberal, I would be feeling vaguely homicidal now…

    • Joe in PA

      Wincing? I’d be looking for a knife! Take me now!

  • Elliott

    I couldn’t get through more than two lines without frantically tapping my screen to make it stop. Make it stop!!!!

    • coram nobis

      I managed 2.5 seconds. It makes “Springtime for Hitler” look like “A Lincoln Portrait”.

  • coram nobis

    In honor of Angela Merkel, if we’re going to have a parody.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uai7M4RpoLU

    • David Walker

      Thank you thank you thank you.

  • Pollos Hermanos
    • That_Looks_Delicious

      That’s a much better rendition of that song.

    • ColdCountry

      My dog didn’t even lift his head.

    • Acronym Jim

      Actually, the dog on the right isn’t so much howling along as he is saying, “Jeezus, just shut up already, Morty!”

  • Rex

    Anyone know the address of the warehouse?
    The one with the long-haired homosexual men.
    Asking for a, oh, hell, for myself.

    • MusicBear88

      If you find out, SHARE! πŸ˜€

      • Rex

        I’ll be heading up an exploratory research team, you’re welcome to join. Wear something comfortable that you don’t mind getting dirty.

        • Snarkaholic

          Or something that can be wiped clean with a damp sponge.

    • PickyPecker
      • greenmanTN

        Finally! Some documentary evidence to back up Eugene’s claims!

        • Snarkaholic

          They all cut their hair short to throw us off their trail.

      • CanuckDon

        Hot stuff…coming through….

        • Bob Conti

          Homer: …And the whole steel mill was gay.
          Moe: Jeez, where ya been, Homer? The whole steel *industry’s* gay.

      • kaydenpat

        You found it!!

    • Snarkaholic

      It’s the dilapidated one down by the docks…you know, the one with “FREE CANDY” scrawled on all four walls.

    • kaydenpat

      Unfortunately, it probably only exists in the confines of Delgaudio’s feverish imagination.

  • JoeMyGod

    We last heard from Eugene in December when he demanded that Trump repeal “Obama’s mandatory homosexual indoctrination program.” As we now know, Trump actually kept that one executive order.

    http://www.joemygod.com/2016/12/15/eugene-delgaudio-petition-demand-trump-repeals-obamas-mandatory-homosexual-indoctrination/

    • Rex

      Obama’s mandatory homosexual indoctrination program – more successful graduates than Trump university.

      • greenmanTN

        And Eugene really puts the MAN in mandatory homosexuality! πŸ™„

  • Ninja0980

    Want to make sure terrorists never attack us?
    Tell them we’ll put them in rooms with this playing on a loop.

  • Joe in PA
    • Snarkaholic

      “I like my pointy hat better!”

  • Gustav2

    Now THAT is sacrilege.

  • Joe in PA

    A $25 gift certificate to Chic Filet. OMFG.

    • Helen Damnation πŸ‘β„’

      where?

  • That_Looks_Delicious

    They’re putting The Onion out of business. The GOP itself is the most far-fetched parody in history.

  • That_Looks_Delicious

    On a dark and stormy night, long-veiled nuns meet in an abandoned convent near Eugene Delgaudio….

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c490dac9d3844b78f87cb356cbf9e3464ce46885f5e5e196d8a1994ab9afd660.jpg

    • Snarkaholic

      “Buy these bake sale cookies…or else!!!”

  • JoeMyGod

    If you’ve never read Eugene’s hilarious and now-classic “warehouse letter” here it is: http://www.joemygod.com/2012/12/20/email-of-day-eugene-delgaudio-17/

    He used to send it out quite regularly.

    • greenmanTN

      I really love that story, my favorite nutty right wing delusion.

      My last words on this Earth might be, “Warehouse. Sweaty. Earrings!”

      • Capritaur

        I still remember y’all’s hilarious edits:

        “Dear Joe: One stormy night, I drove to a mailshop hidden deep in a nearly deserted stand of warehouses. I’d heard something was up and wanted to see for myself. As I rounded the final turn, my eyes nearly popped. Tractor-trailers pulled up to loading docks, cars and vans everywhere and long-haired, earring-pierced men scurrying around… inserters… huge…

        “Trembling with worry, I went inside… boxes bulging… homosexual lined the walls… hundreds, maybe thousands… more boxes were already loaded….

        “Dozens of men began moving toward me… my eyes filled with tears…”

        • greenmanTN

          This is how I kind of how I pictured Eugene in that story…

          https://hauntedhearts.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/web-of-evil.jpg

          • Capritaur

            Are you sure Miss Eugene was wearing a choker, not a collar?

          • greenmanTN

            Not sure about the collar/choker, but in my imagination his gown was more… diaphanous.

          • Capritaur

            Thanks for putting in my head the image of Eugene Delgaudio in fishnet body stockings.

          • greenmanTN

            You’re welcome! πŸ˜‰

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      • Treant

        Instead of Rosebud? “Blowjobs.”

        • greenmanTN

          I would say tomato/tomahto but my mother taught me to never talk when my mouth is full…

    • David Walker

      Thank you, Joe. One of those on-the-scene reports that never gets old.

    • kaydenpat

      He should have turned it into a movie starring Brad Pitt.

    • David

      Whorehouse Letter – dressed in a black leather harness.

    • olandp

      It looks like he converted one of those long haireds. That guy in the corner has a ponytail.

    • Oh my, truly sad……………… eyes filled with tears and all…..sad

  • Robert Anthony

    Do you hate us that much Joe?

  • mikeinftl

    They should try out for America’s Got No Talent.

  • Lumpy Gaga

    Whenever I find myself wondering how all those Native Americans could have been robbed and killed wholesale by human beings, I remind myself to take a look at Virginia.

  • Tom G

    To say he’s a strange man would be a gross understatement.

  • Oscarlating Wildely

    And this, this is what happens when you defund the NEA.

  • Treant

    How do you solve a problem like Delgaudio?

    I’m thinking horse laxatives just before any public appearance. Let the outside reflect the contents of the inside.

    • Helen Damnation πŸ‘β„’

      well, this will teach me to take a big bite of my sandwich and scroll down too quickly…

    • William

      Marry him off to a minor Austrian noble.

    • Anastasia Beaverhousen

      I thinks it’s worse, “how do you TOP a justice like Scalia?”

  • greenmanTN

    There is a dire lack of shirtless, sweaty, long haired men with earrings in that video.

    I don’t know, somehow I think Eugene would be more comfortable with this crowd….

    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_KvDFauTmm3g/S6j9U1KBdnI/AAAAAAAAAnk/rKsC7oZncL0/s640/anti-drinking-poster.jpg

    • Treant

      Wow, vodka ads back then were subtle.

      • kaydenpat

        LOL!

    • Joe in PA

      I’m not sure that bunch had much to worry about. Yikes.

      • kaydenpat

        Tutt tutt. Too mean.

        • Joe in PA

          yeah I know. As I was typing I was thinking someone is going to ping me on this (catholic guilt not withstanding). But they are all dead now, so it’s ok, right?

          • David Walker

            I was a constant visitor at a summer theater that did nothing but melodramas. The audience, aided and abetted by front of house staff and repeat offenders/attenders like me, would frequently clap and whistle and stomp feet at a particularly poignant or heroic line and yell out demanding it be repeated. This was the most popular, changed slightly to “Lips that touch liquor shall never touch mine.” Screams of “Say it again!” and “One more time!” The heroine really, truly knew how to get the most out of “suffer.” I loved her.

          • greenmanTN

            This is just a goofy story. I had been in a relationship with a Jewish guy for many years and he joined a gay Jewish group, and they had a picnic at the outdoor theater for a production of Anything Goes, which was also during Passover.

            I had seen some pictures/recipes for aspic and thought “Hmm, I wonder if that is good?” So that was my contribution to the affair, a vegetable aspic.

            http://www.extracrispy.com/food/452/what-is-aspic

            So at some point during the evening, after it had already been eaten, I asked, “I know that when they were fleeing Egypt the Jews didn’t have time for the bread to leaven, but do you think they had time to let the gelatine set?”

            The moment we were in the car to go home he said, “You just HAD to say that, didn’t you?”

            Yeah, I kinda did. My foot is never too far away from my mouth.

        • greenmanTN

          Now, don’t judge. I’m the Goldilocks of sarcasm: sometimes it’s too hot, sometimes too cold, but it is often just right! πŸ˜‰

  • Anastasia Beaverhousen

    Eugene, please tell Mother Superior….

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EePtIkuy5lg

  • The Sentinel
  • Joe in PA

    So, white people can’t sing either. πŸ™

    • edrex

      to the WHITEST SONG EVER no less.

    • greenmanTN

      You have NO idea! I love listening to music but if I try to sing it sounds like a cat in a blender! No kidding, elementary school Christmas program, they had me onstage “skating” in my sock feet pretending to be IN a Winter Wonderland rather than sing about one because my singing was so awful.

      • Joe in PA

        But were you in your underwear and shirt like Tom Cruise? Don’t answer, I’ll just imagine you were. πŸ˜‰

  • txstevo

    Dear God!

  • another_steve

    I’ve been reading some writers who claim that Gorsuch may not be as bad for progressives and their causes as feared. They go into intricate and complicated detail about his legal philosophy. I usually get lost at that point and zone out.

    The fact that monsters such as Delgaudio love him gives me pause and concern, however.

    • Ben in Oakland

      They also love Jesus who, if you don’t believe in him, will send you to hell forever.

      • another_steve

        Elsewhere today on JMG I posted a nice picture of Peeps. That very yummy Easter marshmallow thingy.

        Were it not for the birth, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, we would not have Peeps.

        Think about it.

        • Ben in Oakland

          Damned heretics!!!!!!

          Hissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!

        • Ben in Oakland

          Do you bite their sweet little heads off, you monster?

          • another_steve

            Lol. They’re pretend, so I don’t feel guilty. πŸ˜‰

            I do feel guilty sometimes for my devouring of hard and soft-shelled crabs. I live in Maryland, home to the best crabs in the world.

            So they’re there on the plate — looking just like they crawled out of the water to say a friendly hello — and I’m ripping off their legs and sucking out their brains.

            Takes a little getting used to. :-/

          • Ben in Oakland

            If you’ve ever had Dungeness, you would know those are the very best.
            and how to you know those peeps are pretend? Maybe they have souls, too.

          • Brian Burleson

            West Coast Crabs are the best!

          • another_steve

            Dungeness are very good. They’re not as prevalent here, as they’re mostly a west coast crab.

            I know Peeps have no souls.

            Sugar has no soul.

    • The_Wretched

      Rick Hanson is convinced Gorsuch is about as anti-everything as Scalia was, maybe more so.

  • Ernest Endevor

    Loving the seguΓ© into Get Me To The Church.

  • madknits

    Amusing trivia: Marnie Nixon, who was used to dub the voices of Deborah Kerr in The King and I, Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady, and Natalie Wood in West Side Story, is the nun who says, “I’d like to say a thing in her behalf, Maria makes me la-au-au-au-augh.” One of the few times she was actually seen on screen.

    • Lumpy Gaga

      TY. I’mma go watch it.

      • Lumpy Gaga

        LOL. An asset to the Abbey.

        • madknits

          Yeah. As a Novice Guard in the Big Easy Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, it is always my duty and my pleasure to be an asset to the Abbey.

          • Rebecca Gardner

            The Sisters are so awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
            You do more for the local community, not just LGBT, but everyone in one year than all the local Churches will do in a decade combined.

            The Sisters helped us with a motorcycle event to help raise money for the Gold Star Moms. They just are always out in public helping, helping, helping.

            Thank you!

          • madknits

            Thank you for your appreciation. I love being a Guard with the Sisters! My novice project is to revamp our website, because it kinda sucks. We do a lot of fund raising for several of charities in town, including a food pantry that serves over 800 local families. We always are grateful when someone appreciates us. <3

          • Rebecca Gardner

            You’re Welcome! It is truly from the heart.

          • Acronym Jim

            I love how the NO order gets such an awesome double-entendre, too.

          • madknits

            Yeah, we’re lucky that way.
            I love the double-entendre of some of the names, too.

    • ColdCountry

      A lovely voice!

    • alguien

      she was also the mother of andrew gold who wrote the theme song for “golden girls.”

    • M Jackson

      Before she passed away she should have been seen receiving an honorary Academy Award for her history-making performances.

  • greenmanTN

    I’m posting this for no other reason than as a form of detox from that video and a big πŸ–•to Eugene.

    https://youtu.be/UO4mPVfyUII

  • Mark

    oh no you didn’t,,,,,,,, πŸ™‚

  • Rebecca Gardner

    I made it to 33 seconds. Thanks for the ear salve Joe!

    • ColdCountry

      I made 18 seconds, but that’s because I had to put down something in order to grab the mouse.

  • Chrissy

    Ot: Omg the Disney boycott of beauty and the beast is working. There were 3 empty seats in the 2pm screening I went to. Every seat should have been filled.

  • Sam_Handwich
    • Lumpy Gaga

      Our Abbey is not to be used as an escape. It’s an entrance.

  • AtticusP

    This is what happens when brothers and sisters are allowed to breed.

    Sad.

  • Homo Erectus

    Owww! I see seven good arguments for abortion right there. I wonder if the guy with the pony-tail works in the warehouse?

  • William

    I can’t subject our dogs to this .

  • anne marie in philly

    I ain’t watching a buncha fucking batshit crazy white asswipes!

    • M Jackson

      I wouldn’t watch them if they were black and wearing spangly jumpsuits!

  • Natty Enquirer

    Poly Tonal β€” wasn’t she a character in South Pacific?

    • Snarkaholic

      And her sister, Poly A. Morris.

      • Natty Enquirer

        This R&H number is really a music hall tune in disguise. I always wanted to see the nuns dance a tap break in the medium-long shot after the chorus.

  • Snarkaholic

    Wow, all of those anti-LGBT bigots working for Chump…it seems business is kinda slow for Eu-queen these days.

  • kaydenpat

    You’d have to pay me a pretty penny to put myself through off key bigots singing about nonsense. Nope.

  • This is enough to send Maria Von Trapp to the psychiatrist! Anger management is difficult at times. And Trump is making things difficult for attractive feminine blonde woman from Austria. https://youtu.be/TT0ryp_c5v4

  • Richard Rush

    Considering the potential consequences on the world, we should be focusing on
    How Do You Solve A Problem Like Korea?

    • Well if it is the wife who is releasing these tax returns we can make it “Melania”. And if Trump keeps on tweeting at 6:00 am on Saturdays we can make it “schizophrenia”.

  • GayOldLady
  • ErikDC
  • I won’t listen. For one Marni Nixon (who did the singing in My Fair Lady, The King and I and West Side Story for actors who couldn’t sing nearly as well) is in that scene. She’s fab and I’m a fan who mourned her passing last summer.

    The only parody I will abide is the one cabaret singer Georga Osborne used to do.

  • KaBoomBOX

    I’ll just have take your word for this, Joe. Just from looking at the thumbnails for the videos I can tell it’s going to be more painful than I can take.

  • LovesIrony

    who let the screech monkeys out? Who Who

  • David

    Thorazine and Haldol milkshake?

    • ZhyKitty

      Please pass the bottles when you’re done.
      I feel I could use a dose of both myself after sitting through the first minute and 22 seconds of whatever that was.
      Don’t worry, I have my own clean needles.

  • Todd

    Three seconds. That’s the amount of time between the “singer’s” in Delgaudio’s video beginning their raping of the song and when my ears began to bleed. Thank you for posting the original. RIP Marnie Nixon.

  • M Jackson
  • TKW

    That is one of the gayest-closeted things I have ever heard/seen!

  • TKW

    Eugene, what is it you cuntface?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EePtIkuy5lg

  • April

    We suffered for our music so it’s your turn…

  • John Boily

    Talk about getting exactly what you’d expect.

  • Franciscan

    Are there any plans to offer “The Devils of Loudun, the Musical”? Featuring the former member of the Loudun County, Va., board of supervisors.

    from Wikipedia:

    The Devils of Loudun is a 1952 non-fiction novel by Aldous Huxley. It is a historical narrative of supposed demonic possession, religious fanaticism, sexual repression, and mass hysteria that occurred in seventeenth-century France surrounding unexplained events that took place in the small town of Loudun. It centers on Roman Catholic priest Urbain Grandier and an entire convent of Ursuline nuns, who allegedly became possessed by demons after Grandier made a pact with Satan. The events led to several public exorcisms as well as executions by burning.
    The story was adapted into a stage play in 1960, which was then adapted into the controversial 1971 Ken Russell film The Devils, which starred Vanessa Redgrave and Oliver Reed. There is also an opera based on the book, Die Teufel von Loudun, by Krzysztof Penderecki, available on DVD. The book, though lesser known than Huxley’s other novels (such as Brave New World), is widely considered one of his best works

  • coram nobis

    What are you people doing in here, this is a closed set!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMK6lzmSk2o

  • TampaDink

    I don’t want to brag….but I managed to listen to an entire 50 seconds before my ears began to bleed. I couldn’t even understand most of their ridiculous lyrics due to their atrocious voices.

  • Professor Barnhardt

    Just a reminder: Steve Stockman’s spokesman Donny Ferguson got his start working for Eugene Delgaudio. https://twitter.com/DonnyFerguson. He revamped his Twitter account lately, so don’t look for any confirmation there.

  • The irony of them appropriating a song from a movie about the Nazi occupation of Austria is downright palpable.

  • “How do you top a Justice like Scalia?”

    Flowers. Always bring flowers.

  • TheManicMechanic

    How Do You Solve A Problem Like Delgaudio?

    Napalm to me sounds like a start.