Fiat Chrysler: No, Donald Trump, You Had Nothing To Do With Our Long-Planned Billion-Dollar Expansion

Think Progress reports:

On Sunday, FCA US, the parent company of Fiat and Chrysler, announced that it will spend $1 billion to expand plants in Michigan and Ohio and create 2,000 more jobs in the U.S. The move, as the company made clear in its press release, is simply the next phase in an expansion plan it announced last year and comes on top of billions of previous investments that created thousands of jobs.

“This plan was in the works back in 2015,” Jodi Tinson, a spokeswoman for FCA, told ThinkProgress. “This announcement…was just final confirmation.” When asked directly if it was true that politics and the election had no influence on the announcement, she said, “Correct.”

But that didn’t stop President-elect Donald Trump from tweeting about it without that context. “It’s finally happening,” he said, describing FCA’s plans as well as Ford’s recent announcement that it would invest in a Michigan plant. “Thank you Ford & Fiat C!” he tweeted.

  • Lazycrockett

    The truth doesn’t matter to the knuckle draggers that voted him in. They are lost.

    • Joe in PA

      The only thing that is gonna turn this around is $$ I’m sorry to say, but until it hurts these idiots in real $$ they won’t realize what they’ve done. None of the outrage over his tweets, his racist comments, his not paying taxes, his nepotism, his conflicts of interest matter. Follow the money. 🙁

      • Pollos Hermanos

        One hopes but they let Bush get away with a lot of damage.

        • Dazzer

          Abused sp0use syndr0me

      • another_steve

        I think that’s true, Joe. Until the idiots feel it in the pocketbook, Trump will ride high.

        Wait until Obamacare is abolished and one of them is denied health insurance due to a preexisting condition.

        Trump’s buffoon base hasn’t the slightest idea what’s in the Affordable Care Act. Half of them probably can’t read.

        • TheManicMechanic

          Hubby’s family is from a depressed coal region in PA. I plan to laugh full-on in the face of anyone I come across out there that worked in the mines and now will be denied coverage for black lung. Unfortunately, that includes my hubby’s dad, but he didn’t vote for Trumpster. This area is the “‘tucky” part of Pennsyltucky everyone talks about. It’s every bit as backward and bigoted as the deep south. There are signs all over in yeards saying “Trump Dogs Coal.” Those idiots are in for a big disappointment, and I plan on rubbing it in their aging, dying faces. It’s the only thing they understand.

          • Gustav2

            My north central rural Ohio relatives are in for a big surprise also. They ain’t getting nuttin’!

            There was a woman complaining on WaPo the reason her rural Ohio county health services measure that would help the heroin addicts didn’t pass is because there was an increase. She just didn’t understand when your governor and legislature give statewide tax cuts to the rich and businesses, the local governments have to pick up the slack.

            Our more populated metro counties have been raising taxes for just that reason since Kasich was elected in 2010. The rural counties’ folk are just not going to get the services and will bitch.

          • Ninja0980

            If they think Trump is going to help them out, they are dreaming.
            If they think Trump is going to help them out, they are dreaming.

          • Michael Abbett

            I wish I could get my hands on one of those signs and save it for when we get a Democrat back in the White House. I’d take it to the inauguration and wave it in front of the cameras to remind those idiots what fools they made of themselves.

          • Patriciashamilton

            Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !mj116d:
            On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive if you don’t check it
            !mj116d:
            ➽➽
            ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash116DigitalShopGetPay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!mj116d:……

          • bkmn

            I intend the next time I have to run into the post office to ask how many Trump supporters work there and how they feel about the great likelihood the GOP will shutter the USPS.

        • RAS

          I remember when a journalist did some on camera interviews in one of the backwater states and the interviewees said they HATED Obamacare…but they liked the Affordable Care Act!

          • another_steve

            Lol.

            I remember when the media interviewed a Trump supporter who said, “I don’t want the goddamn federal government and their federal programs messing where they don’t belong — messing with my Medicare!!!”

      • Clive Johnson

        Even if they lose money they could easily still not understand why. Many who receive government assistance can still manage to believe that they’ve never received it (consider that quote from Ben Carson about his childhood), or that it doesn’t come from the government. “Get your government hands off my Medicare” epitomizes this ignorance.

        If their rates go up after the ACA is scuttled expect that many if not most will be easy marks for propaganda that says that it’s all because of trial attorneys or government regulation.

        It’s one thing to personally feel the effects of something, another thing altogether to have the knowledge of what’s causing it.

        “Saddam had weapons of mass destruction.”
        “Climate change is a liberal/socialist hoax.”
        “Communists are using gay-whatever to undermine America.”
        “Gay marriage harms marriage.”
        “All Muslims are terrorists.”
        “Obama did extreme damage to the US.”
        “The reason my taxes are so high is because of blacks who refuse to work.”
        “George Soros was behind ___fill in the blank___.”

        The typical conservative lives in a fantasy world of his prejudices and misinformation. Every minute of the day is an opportunity to correct these easily avoidable mistakes, yet they persist.

        Getting denied insurance coverage because of a preexisting condition? It’s anyone’s guess as to how the conservative mind will process that rude awakening.

      • bkmn

        Not until long after fund managers have raped Ma & Pa’s retirement accounts and the GOP have reduced Medicare to a pathetic voucher system with no standards for care or outcomes, Social Security will be slashed leaving grandma to be thankful to have cat food to eat once a week, the country so polluted that any game that is caught or killed will be carcinogenic, workers rights gone…and so on and so on….and they will blame the libruls for everything.

    • another_steve

      ^^ Word. Nor does the fact that he’s bragged on tape about sexually groping young women matter to the evangelicals who are partying hearty as we speak. They see him merely as entrée for their invasion of the White House and its priorities.

      The deplorables are in charge.

    • yetanotherLaura

      And even if you point out the truth, such as on Snopes, they’ll tell you they think Snopes is just a bunch of liberal shills and refuse to believe it. That happened last week with a now former friend, who I honestly thought had more common sense than to believe crap like that.

      • Michael Abbett

        That exact thing happened to me with a former coworker. She was sending all of this conspiracy theory stuff to our department and some of us were quietly sending her Snopes links back. She came to my desk one day and confronted me about it and said she wished I would stop sending her links to them because “they just make stuff up.” I didn’t pursue it as it was clear we’d gone full circle at that point.

    • FAEN

      Speaking of knuckle draggers I’m surprised Vichy Kate isn’t her to school us on the ‘truth’ regarding Dumpster.

      • Dazzer

        ! cant type pr0per1y because my keyb0ard 1s br0ken But she 1s nuts

    • Cuberly

      Yep, they’re giddy at getting revenge for apparently being ignored, or something.

    • That_Looks_Delicious

      You know, I’m getting madder and madder at them every day whenever I think about it. And I have to go work in one of those states in 2 weeks. For a whole week.

      Normally I can respect a difference of opinion and not lose all respect for someone just because they voted for, say, McCain or Romney. But Trump! There’s just no fucking excuse for voting for Trump, no matter what anyone says.

    • Bill

      Whaddaya mean? He’s getting them all their house painting and coal mining jobs back. He told them so.

    • Ninja0980

      Truth has never mattered to them.
      Trump knew that and simply took advantage of it all the way to the Presidency.

  • PickyPecker
  • Gustav2

    Remember when Romney’s campaign was caught in a lie about Chrysler’s Toledo Jeep Plant closing? More Republican BS about another Jeep product situation.

  • Butch

    Yes, we’ve put in place all that’s necessary for a $1 billion plant expansion since November 8. Most major corporations can’t compose a three-paragraph cover letter in that amount of time. Give me a break.

    • Joe in PA

      Doesn’t matter Butch, his trumpanzees don’t care and can’t think that critically. Oh but wait, I’m sure this will make the nightly news and they’ll call him out. /s

      • Butch

        I noticed Trump didn’t take credit when Macy’s announced it was cutting 10,000 jobs.

        • TampaDink

          Nope. He used that as an opportunity to laugh at Macy’s for dropping his “signature” line of goods.

      • Gustav2

        Or call him out on this:

        Trump Just Dismissed the People in Charge of Maintaining Our Nuclear Arsenal

        http://gizmodo.com/trump-just-dismissed-the-people-in-charge-of-maintainin-1790908093

        • Stogiebear

          At this point I’m hoping the military has plans for a coup.

        • Joe in PA

          A salient point from the article:

          The source later added, “I’m more and more coming around to the idea that we’re so very very fucked.

    • The_Wretched

      Minimum of 5-10 years for such a large expense and with its logistics.

    • AJ Drew

      Yup, it’s exhausting and would seem to be redundant to call DT out on such blatant bs, but here we are. Fine. I can multi-task. Siri/Alexa, add “disprove today’s DT bullshit to my calendar, every day.”

  • Rod Steely

    The sun came up today. Thank you Donald Trump!

    • Bared Bear

      My cat pooped in the litterbox! DANKE DRUMPF!

  • AJ Drew

    Joe, add “do” to that headline…

    • AJ Drew

      Ah, there it is. Never mind.

  • Blake J Butler

    Careful now to criticize trump, Conway might tell warn you to watch what you say. Like the good Nazi she is, working for Twitler.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9c3f8f93cf5253d0f1184b1dafa73308bf3008bb01187fe820a7f3f0024c4171.jpg

    • Snarkaholic

      If NOT criticizing him results in having a face like yours, I’ll stick with the criticizing!

      • Blake J Butler

        I’m a little confused is this sarcastic? I don’t want anyone to actually think I support this man and woman.

      • Blake J Butler

        Disregard that. I get it now.

    • Uncle Mark

      Oh Kelly, remember the consequences good, lil’ Nazis faced years ago. History does repeat itself, honey. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ca528a553f272bb4b474137c815a233752868146328c1cfd2b8a6d61f32ffbb7.gif

    • agcons

      My compliments to the artist.

  • Tom000

    Anybody that lives in the auto building states know that the U.A.W. is ALWAYS involved in future plans and it takes months, if not years. And they talk about things Trump would have NO understanding about.

  • AJ Drew

    DT’s bullshit isn’t bs if he truly believes it, apparently. It is mind-numbing and tiresome, but we must stay awake and present actual facts. Grr.

    • Snarkaholic

      I understand why some people want/need to take a break from reading/watching all of the unfolding insanity, but I’m going to remain vigilant…non-stop…because I want to be well aware of EVERY rotten thing these crooks get up to.

      • AJ Drew

        Yup. But dammit, just 5 minutes of reading about the latest *anything* related to DT makes me wanna take a nap.

        • Snarkaholic

          I understand.

  • Gil

    I’m going to start the twitter and take credit for this sort of thing….My God complex is better than Trump’s….

  • MikeBx2

    Pants on fire doesn’t describe his lies anymore. Trump’s in a category all to himself. And in 11 days he’ll hold the most powerful office in the world.

  • Cuberly
    • Joe in PA

      When I don’t have the energy to smack my head on the desk…this about covers it. ;(

    • Michael R

      Donald Trump doesn’t drink , but still ….

      https://s28.postimg.org/oyitf8xil/streep_flaccid_clown_gif.gif

      • Bared Bear

        Really? Hitler didn’t drink, either. Gah.

        • matrem

          And he was a coke fiend too.

          • Bared Bear

            Well there was a lotta sniffling during the debates from the wispy haired one.

          • ceeenbee

            No. He was just a meth head.

      • perversatile

        Meryl’s instrument is marvelous-

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-1EYvejudM

    • Frostbite

      How I feel after reading every post lately, no fault of Joe’s of course, totally blame the Dumpster.

  • Michael R
  • Halou

    I opened the fridge and the light came on. #ThanksTrump

    • Ross

      I had a really good pee this morning! #ThanksTrump

  • Acronym Jim

    Thanks, Obama!

  • Rex

    I still have my job, thank you Donald Trump. Of course, I work to help low income people get assistance, so I imagine under your presidency that is going to increase, so thanks, Trump.

  • boobert

    Doesn’t matter what chrysler says, trump already took credit and that’s good enough for the deplorables !

    • Bared Bear

      Lies from their fuhrer is accepted as truth.

    • Oh’behr

      Well, one good thing for Chrysler is that they might sell more vehicles now as the deplorables will believe that Chump had something to do with it. Though Chrysler creating more jobs now happened under, er, Obama. Yet they’ll believe that that Chump had something to do with it.

  • AtticusP

    OMG! The sun came up in the East this morning!

    Thanks, Donald Trump! I don’t know how you did it!

    • AJ Drew

      snort, and yet… sigh.

    • Uncle Mark

      WAIT…It rose in the EAST?!! Isn’t that the direction those Islamic folks in here face when praying towards Mecca?!! TRUMP HATES CHRISTIANS !!!

      • The sun is under the rule of Muslims. Coming up in the east. SAD!

        • Uncle Mark

          Gays controlling the weather…and in some cases the moon too. Muslims controlling the sun. No wonder White Christians are feeling so powerless.

          • grada3784

            Wait, I thought the Muslims controlled the Moon.

          • Uncle Mark

            It depends on whose moon

        • grada3784

          You can’t spell Saudi without SAD.

          • hahahahahaaa!

            I do wish they would give Saudi women more freedom, to be unable to drive, what a ridiculous backward thinking society. Oh! Is there where the extreme xtian right is wanting our country to go?

  • BobSF_94117

    $1,000,000,000 to build a plant that will employ 2,000 (assuming they’re not including the construction workers) is $500,000 per employee. Think about that.

    a u t o m a t i o n

    • AJ Drew

      welll… if they each work 80 hours a week for a hundred years… pbbt. oh wait, health insurance. yeah, robots.

      • BobSF_94117

        Maybe a really, really nice dining hall…

        • AJ Drew

          oooh, pretty! Hey, where’s the food?

    • rusty57

      It’s my understanding that this amount is spread over a few facilities in two states. The $1.0B figure covers demolition of existing facilities (where necessary), the removal of all or most of the tooling and conveying systems. the refurbishment of existing structure and the construction of new facilities with all new electrical and HVAC systems (where necessary), the building and installation of new specialized conveying systems and specialized tooling. These costs plus the labor required to affect them, plus the time and labor to plan these changes (which began before 2015) all have to be factored in. And this doesn’t all happen in one building. There are stamping plants, body and paint shops and assembly buildings that will all have to be modified in part or from the ground up.
      And yes, there will be lots of automation.
      While the life cycle of any given vehicle can vary greatly before a major design change is deemed necessary, these facilities have a life cycle that spans decades. The plant I’m in is more than 60 years old. Factor in tax abatements and depreciation (I’m sure FCA has) and that $1.0B is an investment in FCA’s future they are pretty confident they will make a decent return on.

      And we used to have a pretty decent canteen. In the interest of saving money the company has contracted with Subway to provide us with our meals.
      It’s fucking gross.

      • Furface

        Also note the $1B plant investment is part of the $6B+ facilities investment covered by the new FCA-UAW contract approved in 2015. So these jobs came from union collective bargaining, not Don the Con’s negotiating skills.

        • Oh’behr

          Yay, Unions. Something the GOP and Don the Con would shudder about thinking that unions do anything good for the USA. Here’s an example of Trump taking credit for something unions did do. Figures.

  • safari

    Kellyanne tells us to trust that his heart believes it to be true.

    • Gianni

      Dear, Kellyannie, That’s sweet, but what good does that do anybody? There are asylums all around that have residents who, in their hearts, believe they are Napoleon. That doesn’t really make it so, does it? Lyin’ ass, bitch.

  • GayOldLady
    • m_lp_ql_m

      As soon as the sun announces it to the press.

    • Halou
      • GayOldLady

        Uh, poor Mr. O’Reilly. He doesn’t know the tides are due to the gravitational pull of the Sun and the moon? He needs to learn how to google, like I do.

        • Google is our friend!

        • agcons

          Wait . . . I thought Gawd controlled the tide?

          • GayOldLady

            Nope, god’s too busy for that, he put the sun, moon and gravity in charge of that.

        • Oh’behr

          I forgot that Bill O’Reilly was really that stupid. Yikes.

      • How can someone attain the age O’Reilly is and not understand how the tides work? Our boys learned that in elementary school and were amazed and how strong of a pull the moon has on earth.

        • Uncle Mark

          I keep waiting for the tides to take O’Reilly back out to sea.

          • Gianni

            😀 Did he actually come in on the tide? I can’t explain that either.

      • rusty57

        I understand how stupid people can believe they’re experts about something they don’t know shit about.
        What I find annoying is how they are so smugly, smarmy in their stupidity.

    • Rex

      I didn’t launch a nuclear bomb today, so you can thank me for living though another day….

    • Dazzer

      C1!mate change !n the Antarct!c

    • AJ Drew

      ahhh, the balmy Arctic Circle… (yeah, DT might be able to take credit for that.)

    • Megrim Twist

      Sunsets are OVERRATED.

      • GayOldLady

        Those would be his words, exactly.

    • Reality.Bites

      Well he did supply the colour scheme

  • TheManicMechanic

    Thanks, FCA and OBAMA. Fuck you, Trump, you ain’t the president of me.

  • RoFaWh

    As usual, Drumpf steals from “other people”, in this case the news about their hard work, not their money.

  • safari

    O/T: This facebook thread has been circulating today. I’m not sure if it is real (Daily Kos ran it), but I get a kick out of it.
    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b3219a422ac00474ce6a202de3a59a7167b8a87d6b9d4d8f771244eb406f61d8.png

    • Jerry

      Yes…the stupidity I’ve seen over the last few years. The most confusion I’ve seen is people conflating the expanded medicaid as “Obamacare”, and buying insurance on the exchange as “Affordable Care Act”. When Republicans crash the entire health care market, I’m invoking the Pottery Barn rule.

    • The stupid… is so stupid it doesn’t even smolder. It just sits there, all lumpish and stupid.

      Trouble is, between all the “Keep the gub’mint out of Medicare” morons and those idiot Kentucky voters who didn’t think KYnect, ACA, and ‘Obamacare’ were all names for the same damned thing — and hell, every single damned GOPer who voted GOPer thinking they wouldn’t lose their ACA-guaranteed insurance access, because only ‘Obamacare’ was going to be abolished — I totally believe that post up there is legit.

  • ceeenbee

    “The move, as the company made clear in its press release, is simply the next phase in an expansion plan it announced last year and comes on top of billions of previous investments that created thousands of jobs.”

    Thank you Predisident Obama for giving us a strong enough economy that companies could think about growing and expanding in.

    Too bad that will be crushed by the tiny fingered, cheeto-faced, ferret wearing shitgibbon.

  • Jack

    High school guidance counselors all over the country are now advising students that Fact Checking is a growing field.

  • Ross
  • 41pc

    Would be nice to see Fiat Chrysler demand tRump either (a) read a prepared statement declaring himself a ‘liar’ or (b) cancel the contract and leave tRump dealing w the aftermath.

    I see no other way to put a stop to this BS.

  • m_lp_ql_m

    Fiat Chrysler? Is that anything like Fiat Lux, or fiat money?

    • rusty57

      No.

    • Mike in NC

      Frankly, neither Fiat nor Chrysler are particularly noted for the quality or reliability of their cars. A pity, since some of them are quite attractive; the Dart, the new Fiat 124 sports car (a bit of nostalgia; in my younger days I owned 2 850 Spyders and an X1/9).

  • Michael Abbett

    I follow auto industry news pretty routinely and everybody in the automotive press knew this. Jeep is selling like mad right now. FCA is just shifting resources as they phase out the Dart, 200, and Patriot and move Compass production to Toluca, Mexico while moving the Cherokee production from Ohio to Illinois. A lot of automakers keep production of their cheaper vehicles with a lower profit margin in Mexico, Brazil, etc. while keeping the larger, more profitable vehicles in the US. Ford us still going to make the Fiesta in Mexico. Trump had nothing to do with any of this but he’ll be glad to take the credit.

  • Treant

    Honestly. Has this yutz told the truth once since his “honest” “election”?

    Yeah, didn’t think so, and he brags about things that no sane person would.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1fc023ef477534faa60a75dab04a0c16c9ca821ff320893c5e18bd7a61c3bd5a.jpg

    • Oh’behr

      That never fails to make me chuckle. Thank you.

  • Fucking hell. We are going to have 4 years of Cheetolini taking credit for any jobs created, and him picking fights with well, everyone. I can’t decide if we are going to be hobbled with an man who is insane or a man who is mentally stuck at 10.

    • Treant

      Why limit yerself? He can be both insane and mentally stuck at 10.

      • Damn, you nailed it perfectly. I need to go and dismantle my mental boxes….

  • ChrisMorley

    Also Fiat Chrysler announced today (read it in the British press)

    ‘Fiat Chrysler plants in Mexico may close if Trump enacts import tax, CEO says
    Sergio Marchionne said at the Detroit auto show that the president-elect’s tariff threats could make manufacturing in Mexico ‘uneconomical’’
    https://www.theguardian.com/business/2017/jan/09/fiat-chrysler-mexico-plants-detroit-auto-show-2017-trump

    ‘Sergio Marchionne, chief executive officer of Fiat Chrysler Automobiles, said on Monday that the entire industry was dogged by uncertainty since Trump’s election and added that if the president-elect followed through on threats to tax Mexican car imports, he would have to consider shutting factories.
    “It’s possible that if the economic tariffs that are imposed by the US administration on anything that comes into the United States, if they are sufficiently large, it will make the production of anything in Mexico uneconomical and therefore we will have to move on. It is quite possible,” Marchionne said addressing reporters at the North American International Auto Show in Detroit.’

    • TrollopeReader

      gee, and where will the displaced workers try to emigrate to?

      actions / consequences.

    • Michael Abbett

      That doesn’t guarantee that they will move the plants here. It might mean the North American market won’t get less profitable models, though. In FCA’s case that would mean no more Fiat cars or the Jeep Renegade, which is built in Italy, or the new Compass which will be built in Mexico, Brazil, China and India.

  • Clive Johnson

    With enough effort we can get this in the new word list of the Oxford English Dictionary at the end of the year.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9ab3c15e7eeb51f86ca85421115581b43132c75cdbf68e4556bd870b25c1afc8.jpg

  • CB

    It’s easier to take credit than actually do something. This is the story of drumpf’s life.

  • CB
    • Oh’behr

      I’m having a problem with links on Disqus.
      What was the book?

      • ‘The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition: How to recognize it and how to respond’, by Patricia Evans

        • Oh’behr

          Thank you.

  • dcurlee

    The fucking ego of this man is amazing…..what’s more amazing are the idiots that believe he had something to do with this

    • Skeptical_Inquirer

      I’m surprised Trump hasn’t tried to establish a church.

      • He’s a narcissist. The only way he could establish a church is if he made himself the deity as well. He’s not one to believe anyone is greater than Donald Trump. As for the Christian churches, well, that’s what he has Pence and the rest of the GOP for…

      • DumbHairyApe

        He doesn’t need to, as his followers already think he’s the Messiah.

  • RAS

    At least Fiat Chrysler made it clear that Trump was not responsible…better than that ass kissing Ford did last week!

    • And they make a number of vehicles comparable to some of Ford’s niche vehicles, like the mini-minivan.

  • Rt1583

    The cool thing is that FCA is making this happen under Obama’s watch even though it won’t come to full fruition until later so Trump can’t legitimately claim victory on any part of it.

  • Hillary Allen (aka Canuck)

    This is from the Medium website… very funny
    Musical Selection — “Edelweiss,” white supremacy Marching Society and Young Men’s Choir
    Call to Order and Welcoming Remarks — Mr. Scott Baio
    Invocation — Melisandre
    Hunting of the Naked and Defenseless Hon. Governor Chris Christie Along the Capitol Mall — Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump
    Musical Selection — “Dixie”/”Bawitdaba,” The Oak Ridge Boys with Kid Rock
    Oath of Office Administered to Vice President Michael R. Pence — Associate Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas and his dummy, Skeeter
    Death Eaters Flyover
    Arrival of Her Royal Highness Princess Ivanka and the Royal Consort Prince Jared on the golden Inaugural Barge All in the Family, towed down the reflecting pool by 100 white swans.
    Fashion Show — Presenting the must-have looks for spring from the Ivanka Trump Collection, available now at Macy’s, Nordstrom and QVC. Operators are standing by!
    Oath of Office Administered to President Donald J. Trump — The reanimated corpse of Associate Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia
    Inaugural Tweet — President Trump
    Musical Selection — “New York, New York,” Frank Sinatra impersonator Joe Pugliese and a former Rockette who claims that “The Jews” ran her out of showbiz.
    Oath of Office Administered to President of the United States of Russia Vladimir Putin — Chief Justice Ernst Blofeld
    Shredding of the Constitution — Students of the Make America Great Again KKKindergarten, Oshkosh, Wisconsin
    Musical Selection — “Oh-ee-oh, oh-oh,” The Imperial Guard of the Wicked Witch of the West
    Opening of the Hellmouth — The Giant Snake Formerly Known in Mortal Form as The Hon. Mayor Rudolf Giuliani
    Commemorative Poem — “And Still I Whine,” Mr. Sean Hannity
    Dance of the Seven Veils and Presentation of the Head of Mitt Romney — Miss Kellyanne Conway
    Benediction — His Royal Highness Satan, Prince of Darkness
    National Anthem of Russia — The Electoral College Glee Club
    Inaugural Luncheon — 100-Swan Souffle, Christie Burgers