Dance Of The Sugar Plum Lesbians

This story makes its thirteenth annual appearance on JMG…

Grand Central Terminal functions as the mechanical heart of midtown New York City, pumping out several thousand workers and tourists on one beat, then sucking in several thousand more on the next.

The rhythms of the terminal are fascinating.

Beat. Four thousand, inbound from New Haven.

Beat. Three thousand, outbound to Westchester.

Worlds collide on the main floor.

The tourists gawk up at the gloriously ornate ceiling and uselessly flash their digital cameras at objects hundreds of feet away.

The commuters rush up to the track displays to determine their track number, then dart across the terminal floor, dodging the milling tourists, heads down, like running backs heading for the end zone.

It’s mesmerizing. It’s majestic.

And sometimes, like tonight, it’s magical.

I’m walking through the massive main room just as the holiday laser show begins on the ceiling. To the tune of Take The “A” Train, the laser depicts two trains arriving from different directions. The trains stop opposite each other and a reindeer leaps out of each one and crosses over to the opposite train.

The laser traces the outline of one of the zodiac constellations painted on the ceiling. The Cancer crab leaps to life and becomes the Crab Conductor, waddling down the center aisle of the car, punching the reindeers’ ticket stubs with his claws.

I move over to the edge of the room, near the entrance for Track 25, so I can watch the reaction to the show. As usual, I’m more entertained by watching the audience than by watching the actual show.

At the ticket windows, standing in front of signs that say “Harlem Line” or “Hudson Line”, commuters tilt their heads painfully back to view the show directly overhead. The tourists cluster in delighted circles, holding each others’ elbows for balance as they nearly bend over backwards.

Some people move to the edges of the great hall, as I have, to remove themselves from the traffic flow while they watch. Among those that come to join me on the perimeter of the room is a lesbian couple. They stand quite close to me, the taller woman behind the shorter one, with her arms wrapped around her, supporting her a bit as they both lean back on the marble wall.

The shorter woman is stout with a large firm chest. Her hair is short and brushed back into what might have once been called a ducktail. She has an ornate tattoo on her left forearm and she has a leather wallet protruding from the rear pocket of her jeans, attached to her leather belt by a short silver chain. She has more than a passing resemblance to Tony Danza, her big boobs notwithstanding, so naturally (in my head) I name her Toni.

Toni’s girlfriend is blond and her short ponytail dangles just above her collar. She is wearing long Christmas tree earrings which nearly brush her shoulders. Her lanky, sinewy limbs are bound in a tight running outfit, over which she is wearing a school athletic jacket. I imagine that she might be a coach at Yale or Harvard, perhaps a girls lacrosse coach, or maybe track and field.

Coach is squeezing Toni tightly and they bounce together to the music a bit. Coach looks over at me and catches me smiling. She nudges Toni, who looks over at me too, and we all grin goofily at each other for a moment.

Overhead, a new show begins. The familiar opening notes of Tchaikovsky’s Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairies ring out as the Empire State and the Chrysler buildings sprout arms, bow to each other, and begin waltzing across the ceiling.

I look around the room and it’s as if time was frozen for just a second, every person stopped in mid-stride, eyes cast upward, mouths open in silent joy.

Toni pushes away from Coach, turns around and delivers her a bow as deep and as elegant as the one just depicted overheard.

“Madame, may I please have this dance?” she asks Coach.

Coach looks around a bit awkwardly. “You are TOO much!” And she giggles.

“Madame, I must insist!” says Toni, as she takes Coach’s hands into hers.

Coach relents and she and Toni begin a beautiful, slow waltz, moving in half-time to the music. As you might have guessed already, Toni leads.

As they dance, their eyes remain locked on each other. Toni is giving Coach an intense look, her lips tightly curled into a satisfied smile. Coach is grinning from ear to ear and again, she giggles.

All around Coach and Toni, the tourists, the businessmen, the students, the conductors, even the guy with a broom – they’re all watching. Some are expressionless, but more are smiling, and some of them…some of them are frantically fussing with their cameras, eager to capture this magical New York Moment.

Serendipity prevails, the tune ends, and Toni dips Coach backwards with a dramatic up-sweep of her free arm as a firestorm of camera flashes erupt around them. Toni pulls Coach up and close to her and they hug. There’s another camera flash and the crowd begins to move along.

Then.

“Hey, look!”

The laser show is being concluded with giant sprigs of mistletoe appearing over our heads. This time it’s Coach who bends down and plants a long tender kiss on Toni’s non-lipsticked mouth. There’s another flash of cameras from the delighted audience.

Toni takes Coach’s hand and they begin to move off towards the exit.

“Oh, don’t stop!” says a disappointed woman, still rummaging for her camera.

Toni looks back over her shoulder and says, “I never will.”

Grand Central Terminal, the mechanical heart of New York City, beats again. But this time I hear a different rhythm. This time I hear a double beat.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYBODY!

  • PickyPecker
  • Do Something Nice

    Happy holidays Joe. Thanks so much for this blog. You’ve been able to inform us and motivate us to take action. I know that there are sacrifices involved with this and I’m sure EVERYONE appreciates what you’ve done for all of us.

    And thank you JMG community, even those I’ve spared with. We are facing potentially trying times and we need to unite more than ever.

    Happy holidays and happy 2017.

    Much love.

    • Paul David

      A thousand up votes.

  • Deanna B.

    After deliberately and consciously deciding not to cover the murder of 2 lesbian moms and their son in Oakland on November 11, even after being emailed and tweeted at by numerous lesbian readers about the story, Joe really needs to stop writing cute little stories about lesbians. We aren’t cute entertainment. Value our lives. Value their lives. Say their names. Their names were Patricia Wright, Charlotte Reed and Toto Diambu-Wright.

    • The Return of Traxley

      Hoping you have a holiday full of peace and caring, in spite of yourself.

    • Do Something Nice

      I’m glad it wasn’t covered here. This murder has proven to be such a divisive issue – people were ranting that the trans woman was really perpetuation male violence. The East Bay Express had more than 150 comments and they rarely get comments.

      As for the ‘cute entertainment’ thing – I suggest you as Joe for a refund of all the money you’ve spend on subscribing the JMG.

    • Slippy_World
  • Sam_Handwich

    For behold the festive red hat was rent asunder and The Olive was
    revealed in all its salty, oily glory. And those looking on did scratch
    their heads and say unto each other “Oh Mary, please!” And they hastened
    on toward the exits in an orderly fashion. (Delicatessens 2:3-5) https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1d6469fd401244c3f617378748f4c8c555f21877bbed24b3ccc41949da551fc2.jpg

  • margaretpoa

    Thanks for that, JMG. Have a happy holiday and for everybody; stay out and stay proud and damn the haters.

  • The Return of Traxley

    I so love this annual holiday tradition.

    THANK YOU, THANK YOU, AND THANK YOU, Joe.

    For all the good you do. For all the hope you give. For sharing. For provide a place where kindred spirits come to share and bond. For celbrating successes. For instilling courage. And for doing it so selflessly for all these years.

    You mean so much to me, more than you could ever know.

    Happy Holidays to you, to Shelley, and to all those that you love.

  • Michael R

    Off topic , the video that goes with this is amusing

    Russia analyst: I was just in Moscow and people are laughing as Putin plays ‘that fool’ Donald Trump

    http://www.rawstory.com/2016/12/russia-analyst-i-was-just-in-moscow-and-people-are-laughing-as-putin-plays-that-fool-donald-trump/

  • AtticusP

    Mr. Joe Jervis: I hope that you know that your blog is a haven of sanity in a world run amok, and I am only one of many, many people who is very grateful for it.

    Thank you for all of the work that you put into this every single day. You make it look effortless; I know that it’s anything but.

    Happy holidays, Joe. Here’s hoping that 2017 is a better year for all of us– despite what will happen to the world next January 20.

  • Slippy_World
  • Oscarlating Wildely

    In Grand Central, there is a small black rectangular shape in the ceiling. It is directly below Cancer’s claw. For those not familiar, the ceiling of Grand Central is covered with astrological signs. Most are signs of the Zodiac, but others such as Pegasus make an appearance. The black shape is not a tile, which it is often assumed to be, or a mistake but an intention. When the ceiling was cleaned years ago, the layer of grit and grime from everything from cigarette smoke to dust to mold had covered the ceiling in a dark haze. It was difficult to make out the astrological symbols, more less the thousands of gold, gilded stars underneath.

    And now, the ceiling has been returned to its former glory. All except, of course, for that one black smudge.

    When I lecture about Grand Central, I always mention that one black shape. It’s almost ominous, even more so in that it is near cancer, as if it could grow. I note how bad the ceiling used to be and how workers left it behind, almost as testament to how bad things had gotten. Finally, a student noted “Or to remind us that even in the dark, the stars were still there. They didn’t disappear or get wiped out; it was just harder to see them.”

    Here’s to a bright sky. Happy Holidays to all.

    • Bj Lincoln

      Thank you for that story. As an artist with a huge background in world history and architecture, it touched me. That the workers left it behind and your students insight are as beautiful as the art itself. Happy Holidays to you.

      • Oscarlating Wildely

        Thank you and same to you!

    • TuuxKabin

      Wish I had the energy and time to describe the “whispers’ corners”, just outside the entrance to the Oyster Bar. In the arced four corners, where you face on corner, say something and the person opposite that corner can hear it perfectly, as if whispered into their ear. Is it part of your tour?

      • Oscarlating Wildely

        Oh yes– except I can’t stand near them as they try it out by sharing secrets. There are some things professors are just not supposed to know…

        • TuuxKabin

          Well, they’re young, aren’t they . . . most of them? Or . . .

          • Oscarlating Wildely

            Well, younger than me. They suppose that their indiscretions might offend my delicate ears or sensibilities, despite me often telling them the contrary.

        • ColdCountry

          In 2006, I went on a tour of Greece with friends. One of the stops was the ruins of Phillippi. I wrote this about the theater in my journal:
          “When we entered it, three men were working about half way up the seats
          with weed-whackers. They were tiding up for the summer play season. (I
          must repeat how thrilling I find it that they use the ancient theaters
          here. And things are not all roped off and guard-railed.) Anyway, our
          guide called to the men to ask them to shut off the weed-whackers for
          five minutes, and even though they were all wearing hearing protection,
          they heard her at once and stopped, settling in for a break and to watch
          the tourists. The guide stood with her back to the seats, facing us,
          and spoke in an only slightly raised tone of voice as we were a fairly
          small group. After a bit of the history of the place, she started to
          talk about the way the theaters were constructed. She turned her back
          to us, and her voice actually became clearer. She then spoke to
          the men in Greek, without raising her voice at all, and they waved to
          her. This was a great open air, half ruined place, and the acoustics
          were still
          perfect!”

          Do they still build places like that? Is the knowledge still studied? It always annoys me when “people” wonder how some ancient group of people built something because “they didn’t have the technology,” because of course they did, or they couldn’t have built it! I always wonder how much knowledge has been lost.

          • LaChatSayWha

            Me too! Thank you for your post. I know of at least three acoustical structures in the Bay Area that have been designed with whisper-friendly acoustics. I don’t think the knowledge is totally lost. Still, humans forget all kinds of marvelous techniques as they get busier and busier and more distracted with contemporary technology.

          • ColdCountry

            I think that is one of the disadvantages of all our “helpful” technologies. Since we have cranes, we have forgotten how to build a Stonehenge without them. I remember years ago reading (hearing?) a story about how some guys were trying to figure out how to move something that was too heavy for them to lift. Someone suggested they ask a woman, so they did, and she told them how to do it. Being physically weaker, (a lot of) women have had to learn how to use balance, leverage, and gravity to their advantage. We could move refrigerators before they had wheels, ya know!

            A couple of my favorite wonders – the retaining walls of the Acropolis and at Delphi! Built thousands of years ago in very earthquake prone country and they still stand. Sometimes “modern” is not better.

    • Ernest Endevor

      And to you. I remember when the station was cleaned. And when it was almost demolished. Maybe you know this: in the late 60s, before its big restoration, I remember a coffee shop carved out of the 7th Ave façade of Carnegie Hall near the corner with 57th. Ring any bells? No one seems to remember it but I’m sure it was there.

    • Phillip in L.A.

      Thx for a great story well-told, O W! All the best for the Holidaze!

    • ColdCountry

      What a great story. I think that student may become someone very special, even if only in his or her own circle. They have a beautiful way of seeing things.

      • Oscarlating Wildely

        Thank you. He did; he’s become a very successful and scholarly young man. And for the record, his family are undocumented immigrants, he grew up in a rough part of town, he is incredibly intelligent, he speaks Spanish fluently, and he’s gay– all of which would bother Trump to no end and that makes him even more wonderful to me.

        • ColdCountry

          Without immigrants, we would not have a country. Actually, most countries would not be countries without immigrants. People forget that.

  • Stogiebear

    It hardly seems a year has gone by since Joe last posted this. Such a quick year with so many ups and downs.

    Season’s Greetings to All!

  • JCF

    Toni&Coach: NOW MORE THAN EVER! <3<3

    Wishing a peaceful Christmas to everyone @ JMG…

    …as we prepare to RAGE IN 2017!!!

  • TuuxKabin

    Two of my favorite places in New York City, http://www.joemygod.com and Grand Central Terminal. Thank you for this tradition, Joe! And thank you for being here 24/7/365. To love is to need. You are loved and needed. A long snuggle to Shelly, and big hug to you and yours.

  • ByronK

    So it doesn’t get lost in the hustle of tomorrow and so I don’t have to do it on my phone, I’ll say a very, very Happy Holidays to all the JMGers. Sincerest wishes to everyone for a peaceful holiday, time with loved ones, time to reflect and refuel, and time to brace yourselves for the year ahead. But it needs to be faced with compassion, love, and honesty. Those are the things that will always survive. Thank you Joe for all your hard work. Finding this site and its regulars has been one of the highlights of 2016. xoxo

    • TuuxKabin

      Woof! Right back at ya’ ByronK!

      • GayOldLady

        Dear Tuux, hope you and your darlin have a wonderful holiday. I’m off to celebrate with my grandchildren. Peace & Love to you.

        • 2guysnamedjoe

          Hello dollingk. I think it’ll be a pretty good day. Just a few things to pick up to add to the table. I’m under the ‘guise of el HubCap, his avatar, but it’s me. How fortunate and wonderful to have you as a grandmother. Peace, love and happiness to you and your darlin’, those you love, and love you both.

        • ByronK

          Enjoy GOL!! They’re very, very lucky kids!! xo

        • Mihangel apYrs

          hello
          we’ve fought this year, but I believe the things that we agree on are many more.

          A Merry Christmas, and enjoy your famliy hols. And every day

          • GayOldLady

            Happy Holidays to you and your loved ones Mihangel.

    • AtticusP

      Beautifully expressed, Byron. Joe Jervis is to be commended for having created a wonderful place on the Internet where reasonable people can air their views to like-minded sane and reasonable people and escape, just for a little while, from the madness of a world that is increasingly hard to fathom.

      Happy holidays to you and everyone you love, and to all of our fellow JMG’ers and the people that they love as well.

      • ByronK

        It’s always a comfort to know we’re not alone!

        • Adrianjjudd

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !mj126d:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive if you don’t check it
          !mj126d:
          ➽➽
          ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash126DigitalGroupGetPay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!mj126d:….

        • Tyishacvaughn

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !mj157d:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
          !mj157d:
          ➽➽
          ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash157HomeEngineGetPay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!mj157d:….,…….

  • we’re still here
    • Bj Lincoln

      1000 ups!

  • Dirk Prophet

    Peace on Earth

  • SoCalGal20

    Thank you for that, Joe!

    And Happy Holidays to everybody here at JMG!

  • Robincho

    Hmmm… “pumping several thousand workers, then sucking several thousand more.” This sounds like a job for Christmas MiracleMan!…

  • Jean-Marc in Canada

    Another Christmas Classic.

    Oh and…..

    • TuuxKabin

      Just copied and sent out to my favorite bitches. Thanks.

  • fuzzybits

    Happy Holidays to you Joe and Shelly too!

    • fuzzybits

      And everyone else! 🎄🎅🎅🏽🎅🏿🎄

  • Rebecca Gardner

    Please never stop posting this. It always makes my year. Even though I know this by heart now I still love to see it.

    Happy Holidays and Happy New Year Joe and Everyone!

    Much love,
    Becca

    • JW Swift

      It’s funny how it’s such a short story, yet with every reading, you find a slightly different feeling/interpretation than before.

  • fuzzybits
    • Tiger Quinn

      Oh my god this is the greatest thing in the fucking world.

      • Mike Sweeney

        ??

  • Michael R
    • JCF

      Aw. “In Memory of Taco Tuesday”.

  • LesbianTippingHabits

    What a wonderful story. Thanks, once again, for sharing. With best wishes.

  • fuzzybits
  • Bj Lincoln

    Happy Holidays to all of you awesome people. You gave me strength and something to look forward to during my recovery. You kept me sane when all around was crazy. You have taught me all sorts of things with your posts and links. Thank you all.
    Dearest Joe, you have never stopped keeping us informed and amused with an endless stream of news and videos. I know how hard it is to keep this site running. Thank you so much for not folding when others did. Thank you for having a safe place for all these wonderful people to gather and share.
    I hope you all find peace by the end of each day.

  • GayOldLady

    Joe……Thank you for this beautiful story. I enjoy reading it every year and have copied it for my own memories book. Best wishes to you and all you hold dearly. Peace and Love to all the wonderful JMG’ers.

  • Lazycrockett
  • Ernest Endevor
  • halfwaythere

    As always, thanks so much for this, Joe. Happy holidays!

  • MΩebym

    Happy Holidays, everyone. Thanks for being here, thanks for keeping the hope alive during these incredibly unsettling times. We’ll make it out somehow.

    In the meantime, enjoy this old gem I dug up from years back:

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7bed90513756b3ea800699425be00625fb4d0833cfe8044692d57e6f84a74af9.jpg

  • houstonray

    Love this every year. Thank you Joe, and thank you everyone for the hugs and handholding through this election cycle and it’s tragic aftermath. This site and the familiar names I regularly see and interact with are a true gift to me. Moving forward in the New Year, it will be more important than ever.

    So to all of you, I gift a virtual hug and kiss (cheek, mouth, wherever you feel most comfortable, LOL!).

  • bkmn

    Have a safe and happy holiday to all! Thanks Joe for everything you do (we know it is much more than we know).

  • Brendan Denehy

    Thank you Joe. Please, more original stories like this one!

  • TampaDink

    This story is one of my favorite tales from Joe. Thanks for repeating it again.
    Happy Festivus to all.

    • Friday

      I’ll see if I can find a Feat of Strength to try in honor of all you atheist guys. 🙂

      • TampaDink

        If you can do that we should be able to fake our way through dinner tomorrow with the only branch of my family that is tragically republican. ;-p

    • johncAtl

      I’m just happy to survive 7 hours of drinking. Was I thinking I was still 30 or something? Next time we’re stopping at 6.

      • djcoastermark

        Oh tell me. yikes.

        • johncAtl

          Beer. TampaDink. Rose Kennedy. Rum. Coke. Mark. Goats. Ken. Ybor City. Pizza. Boys in underwear. My money placed into said underwear. Hair on fire. Banana to drive home. The best I can figure out is that the flashback from the LSD I took when I was 18 finally happened.

          Did I forget anything?

          • djcoastermark

            You have us both laughing all over again. Gotta love those hedonistic nights. !

          • johncAtl

            I did love it. But, waking up this morning…painful.

          • johncAtl

            I forgot one – clammy butt. Is Ken still sniffing his fingers?

          • djcoastermark

            Oh he is turning beet red over that reminder and my sides hurt.

          • TampaDink

            I missed that part! 🙁

          • TampaDink

            We really should do them more often. Act now, while supplies last!

          • TampaDink

            You forgot the drag queen’s version of Mary Fucking Poppins. 😉

      • TampaDink

        We’re not too old to do this stuff, some of us are just a tad bit rusty.
        Of course, we all know that I’m excluded from that trait.

  • Lazycrockett
  • Jeff A

    I’m usually a lurker here, but posting to wish all of you a happy whatever. You folks have kept me sane through the craziness of 2016. Here’s to a better and brighter 2017!

    • FancyThat

      Then bless the master of this site,
      And bless the lurkers too!
      And all the corn-cobbed trollsters
      With nothing left to do!
      Love and joy come to you,
      And to you, your wassail, too!
      As I bless you and send you
      A Happy New Year,
      As I send you a Happy New Year!
      (Here’s hoping this website is still online and thriving this time next year!)

  • Igby

    Thank you Joe. Happy Holidays to you and all of the flying monkeys here on this bloggy thingy.

  • Max_1
    • Igby

      I love it Max! Happy Holidays to all of you!

    • MΩebym
      • TuuxKabin
      • Bomer

        I actually had to wire the tree to the wall one year because I had a cat that kept climbing it and knocking it over. Then spent the night waking up to the sounds of glass ball ornaments exploding as she slapped them against the wall after she had taken them off the tree.

        • ColdCountry

          I gave up on having trees. I had a cat who used to bite the little white lights off – while they were lit! And his buddy would eat the ornaments: wood, straw, paper – glass was out of the question! And any little stuffed ones were stripped off the tree and used for hockey pucks, to be found sometime mid-summer under the furniture. Maybe.

          • Bomer

            Luckily my current batch just opted to sleep under the tree with only the occasional ornament stolen and used as a hockey puck. I learned my lesson though and they only got the plastic ornaments.

    • houstonray

      That’s freakin’ awesome! And all cat owners can certainly understand.

    • Cuberly

      Your presents have eyes!

    • TuuxKabin
  • David Walker

    Thank you, Joe. This has become a holiday tradition for me.

    I know that favorite singers can change, especially generation to generation. I don’t understand how younger men regard Judy as, at best, a part of our history. They have other singers who express how they feel, and that’s how it should be. To them, Judy is Dorothy, and that’s fine. But for those of us of a certain age, Judy got us through so much. Somehow she knew how to sing so we knew somebody understood us, cared for us, sang for us. The song was written for the movie, yes, but it was also written for those at home with family and friends who were overseas in World War II, and it was written for those overseas as well. Judy sang it for them, but she sang it for us, too. And I prefer this lyric to “Hang a shining star…” Muddle through then, muddle through now, muddle through forever.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nH9RyySpkU8

    • barrixines as aladdin, nightly

      Obviously I am, what?,fifty or sixty years younger than you, at least, so I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about re. Judy. However it was several years running that I drove my friends absolutely insane at Christmas by having the below in full as my answer machine message (remember those?). Though cracked and a little broken I still rate it up there with her very best. All the very warmest of thoughts for you, David.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQImxftiJAo

  • Igby

    Would that I could buy all of you an Eggnog!

  • Nychta

    Thanks for posting this Joe – one of my favorite holiday stories.

    Happy Holidays, everyone!

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/57089d68ff16afe3d42395a3d1f34f90ca8755848a242bbd5ccb706df07591cf.jpg

  • Claude Jacques Bonhomme
    • David Walker

      One of my first surprises attending my first ballet was that ballet slippers make noise. They never did on TV or in the few movies in which ballet appeared. Taps dancer’s shoes definitely had the taps sound. But ballet was quiet. It probably sounds weird, but hearing the dancers made ballet more real to me.

      • Claude Jacques Bonhomme

        Yes, we just went to see The Nutcracker on stage, and the snowflakes certainly don’t land on the ground quietly. 😉 Still, it was a production of great beauty. They especially did a hauntingly beautiful Arabian dance, with a huge diaphanous veil exquisitely floating about the dancers.

        We still like the version with Baryshnikov and the NYC Ballet best. We got it on DVD a while ago, and put it on every year.

  • Her Majesty’s special Christmas program was out early this year from Sandringham estate. It was entitled “Who Does One Think One Is?” and about royal genealogy and the confusion concerning “Prince Albert” genital piercings. Make sure to see it. https://youtu.be/-cQhdu6pQXs

    • David Walker

      One found this very silly. Thank you…from one queen to another.

      • Isn’t one amused to realize that this was produced with British taxpayer funding? LOL.

        • David Walker

          Yes. One is also relieved to have been assured that no one at the BBC was sacked for this.

          • The actor looks so much like her — and then he opens his mouth and starts talking without even trying to sound female. That is what is so damned funny about it. You actually think it could be her for a split second. The ruby broach is the perfect accessory.

          • David Walker

            One must accessorize properly. Accessorise, one means. Gotta go get ready for an evening of drunken fun that should turn maudlin after a few hours. One trusts your holidays are good.

          • Yes time for a latke party! You have a great holiday whatever you celebrate!

          • David Walker

            One was introduced to Mrs. Brown several years ago. This is new this year:
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_JzY_6eWvE

    • TuuxKabin
      • I don’t think she is that ill. She is 90 and has a bad cold, but Her Majesty is remarkably robust. Saying that I hope I did not (as my mom says) just “gave her a canary”.

  • BearEyes

    Happy Holidays, all.
    Thank you, Joe for another great year of bringing us news and information.

  • Friday

    Various holiday greetings to all. 🙂 We Pagans celebrate Solstice a little earlier than most so I’ll keep a light on or something. 🙂

    • TuuxKabin

      And to you Friday. I’ve enjoyed “growing:” by reading your comments over the last few years. Thank you. Various greetings to you as well. All the best. 2guysnamedjoe, same avatar, different position, joins me in wishing you a wondrous season.

  • Lazycrockett

    https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/812773204561379330

    How many wars will we be in by next christmas?

    • Max_1

      Peace at the end of a gun/bomb… Is it really peace then?

      • Cuberly

        Peace-es.

        • ByronK

          Fece….

    • worstcultever

      My response to all things Trump: fuck you, clown.

      (Also: that’s nice, dear.)

    • zhera

      My 9 year-old nephew said today that maybe there won’t be another x-mad after this one because Donald Trump will bomb everything to pieces.

      This is a little boy in Norway who’s not watching news on TV. Yet he has picked up quite a bit of what’s happening. I can’t imagine the fear that American children are experiencing now.

      • Lazycrockett

        Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like starting a nuclear arms race. Its strange cause almost everyone I know has been in a hazy shock since November and it doesn’t seem to be lifting. Dread is everywhere.

  • worstcultever

    What everybody said. Big xmas kisses to Joe and this wonderful community.

  • Blake J Butler

    O/T: The Rockettes during rehearsal for Twitler’s inauguration.

    😀

    https://www.facebook.com/sam.kalidi/videos/10154499420281622/

    • Blake J Butler

      Crap half of the damn thing is clipped.

      • TuuxKabin

        But led us to you tube to watch the full screen version. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Blake!

  • edrex

    my abriged metta sutta prayer for humanity. with love to the jmg community on this holiday evening.

    may all beings be safe and protected. may all be happy and content. may all be healthy in body and spirit. may all live with ease.

    take care of yourselves and one another. xoxox

    • TuuxKabin

      A nose to nose/beezer to beezer to all you. Thank you for these words and those previous. You help.

  • Lazycrockett
    • TuuxKabin

      Gulp.

  • Phillip in L.A.

    Thx for re-posting, Joe! Always a pleasure to read this story!

    Happy Christmas & Merry Hanukkah & Glad Kwanzaa & . . . everything to you Joe, and to all you JMGers out there as well!

    https://youtu.be/abI48yCIc8M

    • barrixines as aladdin, nightly

      All the best to you, squire.

    • TuuxKabin

      Yay Sex Pistols! Cheers to you HONaY!

  • rednekokie

    Thank you Joe — I still remember that magnificent place from the time I spent in NYC some 60 years ago — a young lad, still wet behind the ears. and amazed at everything.
    Especially GCS.
    Happy holiday to you — may you have many more!

  • Henry Auvil

    That’s just the dose of beauty and hope I needed today. Thanks, Joe.

  • Lazycrockett
    • worstcultever

      Steve and Eydie are perfect anytime

  • Mihangel apYrs

    and to everybody on this site, including those I’ve pissed off – we’re family, we argue, that’s what families do.

    So, Merry Christmas GayOldLady, enjoy every day

  • Jerry Kott

    Season Greeting to all my Compatriots here on JMJ

    Peace
    Jerry+Scott+Kobe

  • Jerry Kott

    Season Greeting to all my Compatriots here on JMJ

    Peace https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/242cbf0776c77ba5fe9303cd9319d57f48c9844380a143c614a0112f1ea25aae.jpg
    Jerry+Scott+Kobe

  • Lazycrockett
    • worstcultever

      maybe he has a shred of humanity or sense of shame somewhere in his soul

    • OdieDenCO

      threatened with a taco bowl dinner celebration if he accepted.

    • SoCalGal20

      Apparently something to do with AJ Delgado lol.

      https://twitter.com/realbradadkins/status/812799818955243520

      • JCF

        Ya do NOT mess w/ your Baby Mama!

        • Lumpy Gaga

          SOMEBODY didn’t consult their Hot vs. Crazy chart.

  • worstcultever

    For those drinking, remember – Vitamin B12! It will kick your hangover’s ass! One 1000 mg pill per drink if you’re my age (60+)! You’re welcome!

    • johncAtl

      Based on what I drank last night in Tampa I’ll need about 12000 grams or more. It’s what I get for going out with JMGers.

      • TuuxKabin

        2guys and I can testify to that. Lush.

    • djcoastermark

      Well where were you this morning ? Oh well better late than never. Filed under, next time.

      • worstcultever

        Do it before the indulging, if possible – or during. After the fact is usually too late. Seriously, anybody who is past their twenties and imbibes – love yourself and use the B12.

  • Elliott

    I still cry. I’ve read this every year on this blog since I can remember. I still cry because it must have been a magic moment, and magic that by the way it’s written, I’m there. Just wonderful.

    • worstcultever

      me too, Elliott. thanks for saying this

  • worstcultever

    And in honor of the Rockettes, and their recent high kicks up Trump’s ass, one of the greatest performances of anything ever, by Karen Ziemba and the Rockettes themselves .. my god, the insanely long expressive arms of Karen, and her entire stunning, beautiful performance

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tpGQrNWUyI

  • barrixines as aladdin, nightly

    Hello lovelies – Joyeux Noël from here in the south of France. We’ve just finished several hours of raclette. It could have been over much quicker had we just loaded up syringes filled with lard and mainlined. Anyway – something festive to shake off some of the over indulgence. All the best.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aULaDeThIA4

    • worstcultever

      god DAMN I love Cesaria Evora. a world treasure. thank you and joyeux.

      • barrixines as aladdin, nightly

        De nada – I needed something to get me up and dancing around the coffee table.

        • edrex

          god DAMN i love raclette!

          • barrixines as aladdin, nightly

            So… much… cheese…

          • TuuxKabin

            Pleeeze.

  • David From Canada

    The title of this story – The Dance Of The Sugar Plum Lesbians – is pure kitsch all the way and, as such, unintentionally humorous. If you have an awkward title, the rest of the article will likely be not taken seriously. Nice try but predictable and cringe worthy.

    • barrixines as aladdin, nightly

      Damn it sucks to be you. Go have a little think now about your compulsion to post this message. Do you think you or the world gained a fucking thing from it?

    • Lazycrockett
    • worstcultever

      In the spirit of being open to everything, I have read your post twice with an open mind. Frankly it didn’t deserve even that. Shitty xmas to you, creep.

      Also, buy an English dictionary and look up words like kitsch. You’re seriously out of your depth. (Are you one of those Eastern European trolls in a basement on Putin’s payroll? It shows.)

    • TuuxKabin
    • SoCalGal20

      I’m convinced you’re too rude to actually be from Canada.

    • Bad Tom

      You really have a way with the put-down, Dave. Your comment history is full of them.

      Merry Christmas.
      ——-
      I hope you don’t have kids.

      • Lumpy Gaga

        “Some people have a way with words, and some people… …. not have way.”

        — Steve Martin

    • medaka

      Merry Xmas, asshole.

    • Friday

      Hey! Enjoy stuffing it!

    • JCF

      WTF DfromC??? This is a JMG Christmas CLASSIC. If you don’t like it, zip it!

  • Michael R
    • TuuxKabin

      Thank you Michael R, your gifs and memes are one of the joys of JMG. Don’t stop! Happy Holidays.

      • Michael R

        AWW ! I’m having a Breaking Bad Christmas , I never saw an episode until now ! It’s quite good .

        • TuuxKabin

          For some reason I can not reply to ol’ misery, below, Duh David from Canada. Please allow me to use your air space to let him know, that from now and forever:

          Thank you for the gift of blocking you on Christmas Eve. Idiot from Canada. I hope you’re cold and miserable in some hut over there in Macedonia.

          Thank you, Michael. Sorry to intrude.

    • Friday

      Dat kitty has been adorabulated! 🙂

    • houstonray

      I could watch that for an hour. Funniest thing I’ve seen this season! Thanks!!!! Merry Christmas!!

    • Bad Tom

      KITTY: I really don’t know why Daddy is doing this, but he seems to enjoy it, and the catnip is first rate.

  • ericxdc
    • TuuxKabin

      Woof doglink, woof! Happy Holidays to you and your lucky family.

      • ericxdc

        Thank you ~ same to you 🙂 This is her first Holiday with us! She’s very excited (as are we).

        • TuuxKabin

          As well you all should be . . . or should all be . . . which ev’, congratulations to the happy family and sweet pooch.

    • worstcultever

      so nice – cheers

      • ericxdc

        cheers 🙂

    • JCF

      Aw! Doggie wubz! <3

    • coram nobis

      A dreidel retriever!

  • SoCalGal20

    So whatever caused Jason Miller to resign apparently has something to do with AJ Delgado. Merry Christmas!

    https://twitter.com/realbradadkins/status/812799818955243520

    • Lazycrockett

      He’s the father of her child?? WTF

    • Michael R

      Never heard of her …

      A. J. Delgado is a former Mediaite columnist who joined the Donald Trump presidential campaign in September 2016. She is a Harvard Law graduate who practiced law in New York City.

      • SoCalGal20

        She’s one of the Trump surrogates that goes on CNN, etc.

        • Michael R

          So file under ” infighting is fun “

          • SoCalGal20

            Yes. 🙂

      • Cuberly

        She was a lesser surrogate. But just as toxic.

        • Lazycrockett

          The couple times I saw her on CNN she was a complete nut job and everyone else on the panel was just over her antics. Van Jones one time looked like he was gonna punch her in the face.

          • Cuberly

            Read that she went to Harvard Law….how do things like that happen?

            I guess crazy is everywhere.

    • Friday

      What is this, even? Eight years without a stupid scandal like this and Trump’s got a backlog already.

      • Lazycrockett

        “Aren’t you entertained?” – Drumpf at a rally.

        • Bad Tom

          I was horrified the instant I realized I was living in the movie Network.
          ——-
          This theater of the deadly absurd has no exit.

    • SoCalGal20
      • Lazycrockett

        Christmas is gonna be fun in that household.

        • The Return of Traxley

          AWKWARD

      • Cuberly

        …and his wife is pregnant with their second kid. Doh!

        He worked on Cruz’ campaign before joining Drumpf. Is he a dominionist?

        • Lazycrockett

          A.J and him went to a strip club in Vegas after one of the debates. Welcome To the Shit show.

          • Cuberly

            …one thing led to another badaboom badabing…lol…

      • The Return of Traxley

        He looks like he has a shit donut on his face.

    • Cuberly

      Ha! You beat me to it.

      Both of them are such skeezy tools. Guess they both went down at the same time. Well, two surrogates self destructed….dang, how many more to go?

  • zhera

    Happy Jul, everybody!

  • Paula
    • zhera

      Thanks, and right back at you!

      I’m coming down with some kind of stomach flu. Nephew is already puking his guts out. Fun family times ahead!

    • Michael R

      ” If I can’t have any nobody can !!! ”

      https://s27.postimg.org/6mp89bt7n/female_trouble_taffy_spaghetti.gif

      • fuzzybits

        Can’t you just sit there and stare into the air?

        • Tiger Quinn

          NO BECAUSE IT WILL EAT YOU

          • fuzzybits

            Say wha?

      • Friday

        Reminds me of a couple of my straight friends in high school. *They* decided the best way to introduce each other to parents was, in one case, to drop acid. Dinner was spaghetti. Apparently they fell in. 🙂

      • Cuberly
        • coram nobis

          Reminded me of that scene as well. Good catch.

          • Cuberly

            Haven’t seen that in a while. Maybe that will be added to the holiday movie list for tomorrow. So far two friends have voted to watch the original cast star trek movies throughout the day. I’m holding out for oldies but goodies. Could use a My Man Godfrey, The Women, and any of the Thin Man movies…lol…

          • TuuxKabin

            ^^^^^ for My Man Godfrey. Anything with Carole Lombard. My favorite is “Nothing Sacred”.

            https://crystalkalyana.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/nothing.jpg

          • coram nobis

            I also recommend The Apartment and The Fortune Cookie, both good Jack Lemmon movies, and the latter was the first Lemmon/Matthau pairing.

    • worstcultever

      YAY FSM! Lovely visual!

    • coram nobis

      And there came three wise chefs, bearing parmesan, pesto and zinfandel.

      • Paula

        Ramen!

  • fuzzybits
    • houstonray

      While I certainly hope she was not injured, HAHAHAHAHA!

      • fuzzybits

        Yea,me neither. I don’t think she was.

    • Bad Tom

      OUCH!!
      ——-
      BROTHER: (thinking) That’s not what we talked about doing.

    • Michael R

      Rehearsals from the Trump Inauguration ?

      • Lazycrockett

        Hey she stuck the landing!

    • TuuxKabin

      Coulda’ broke her fo’ nek’.

      • fuzzybits

        She deserves a ten for the landing.

        • TuuxKabin

          It was a graceful recovery. Drunks and babies . . . .

  • fuzzybits
  • Lazycrockett
  • Claude Jacques Bonhomme

    Chanukkah begins on Christmas Eve this year. How appropriate for this SNL video.
    https://vimeo.com/97189077

  • fuzzybits
  • bkmn

    Pieces continue to fall in place as I adjust to the coming horror of the new administration. Just realized that Trump loves nuclear proliferation because it puts him in the driver’s seat at any and all negotiations and confrontations so that he can force any opposition from foreign powers to do whatever he wants from them.

    He will set his KKKlan up for perpetuity. And the morons that put him into office will pay for it through higher taxes and future generations will not be educated (courtesy of Ms. DeVos) so opposition will be difficult. I fear a revolt will be necessary soon.

  • djcoastermark

    Thanks to all you JMG’ers for being here on https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/73e0e592304f987ccc2b7428e119d0aabf8e1529c89ac81227c192eee697c1f1.gif this roller coaster ride of a year. Here’s to hoping for y’all to have sweet dreams and visions of pretzels figs and twizzlers dancing in your dreams tonight

  • Bomer

    Thank you to Joe and everyone here. Happy holidays to you all.🎄🎄🎁🎁🎄♥♥

  • ColdCountry

    I love this story. And Joe! I wish you’d write more, I love your stories and insights, your humor and your observations. And your cat pictures!

    Merry Christmas, Joe, and all the people here! You inform me, educate me, broaden my mind, corrupt me – and don’t I love that part – and always find a laugh somewhere in what feels like the darkest of times. You all – yes, even you, BP – make this a diverse and wonderful place. Your anger, your fierceness, your empathy, your love, your perseverance, your gentleness, all make this an extraordinary family. Thank you all for being here.

  • Cuberly

    OT: More good news. Peter Thiel’s “How to be a sociopath” class has been cancelled.

    “Berkeley Institute has removed Peter Thiel’s “Heterodox Science” seminar from its website”

    http://www.theverge.com/2016/12/22/14064190/peter-thiel-class-canceled-heterodox-science-berkeley

  • Adrianjjudd

    Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !mj126d:
    On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive if you don’t check it
    !mj126d:
    ➽➽
    ➽➽;➽➽ http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash126DigitalGroupGetPay$97Hour ★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★✫★★::::::!mj126d:….,…..

    • Silver Badger

      flagged

  • Ninja0980

    Hope everyone has a safe and happy Holiday.

    • medaka

      Hey, Ninja. Hope you and yours have a safe and smart and wonderful end of the year. May you be well, peaceful, and happy!

  • Mike_Bernard

    This story is one for the ages. I repost it on my Facebook page every year. Thanks, Joe, and Merry Joyous Christmakwanzukkah and Happy New Year, everyone!

  • Mihangel apYrs

    (repost)

  • Grumpy Old Man

    Having never been to NY, it has always held a fascination – especially GCT. Happy Holidays All
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHoQsXfL9as