Fox News: Santa Claus Is A Butch Right-Winger

According to a column published today by Fox News, Santa Claus is obviously a butch manly man and hardcore right winger. An excerpt:

He is a man with a harsh and stringent code. Santa makes lists of children throughout the world and, oh no, he puts them in categories according to their behavior. He believes in accountability, but is generous of heart and of a forgiving nature. Last year can be forgotten if you were good this year. He is a man living by a code.

Santa likely wouldn’t go in for participation awards and scoreless soccer games for the kids. No, he believes in real outcomes, even in rewards and punishments. So dare we say it: Santa is a conservative.

Santa is also a hardworking guy. He’s a factory owner. Santa’s workshop (his factory) is now often portrayed as a fully mechanized production and distribution facility. He makes all his toys and candy there with the help of his elves at the North Pole. We don’t know if they’re unionized or have a good healthcare plan, but they always seem happy.

We do know he imports his goods all over the world without paying taxes or dealing with trade agreements, so he’s a free trader. His only pay is milk and cookies, so perhaps that makes it okay that he bypasses taxes and tariffs. Santa keeps reindeer. What they eat up there in all that snow and ice we don’t know. But, as a livestock owner, he is connected to the earth in a very real and manly way.

Per the column, Santa’s manly man manliness is further demonstrated by his disregard for airport regulations and customs. Because true patriots and the TSA something something something! As seen above and below, the author of this piece is rather obsessed with masculinity.future

  • Lazycrockett

    Does Faux news know that Santa doesn’t exist?

  • Oikos
  • BearEyes

    someone’s over-compensating.

  • kelven

    …and it goes without saying he is white, white WHITE!1!!11!! /s

  • Bill

    I really just can’t with these morons.

    Crazy NEVER takes a day off on Fox Street, huh?

    • Chucktech

      Take a day off?? And lose MONEY???

  • clay

    Oh, bullshit. Claus has been out of the coal business for at least two generations and everyone knows he only works one day out of the year (ownership does NOT require actual labor).

  • kelven
  • Chucktech

    Um, Fox? I hate to break this to you, but Santa Claus is just as fake as Jesus…

    • pj

      so is the tooth fairy. (gay)

  • kelven
    • ColdCountry


    • clay

      Drumpf was wanting coal to come back.

  • Ninja0980

    Santa Claus is like the Easter Bunny and Jesus.
    None of them are real.

  • Sashineb
  • Snarkaholic

    Yeah, looks like a right-winger to me.

  • Lazycrockett

    They forgot to to report that Santa is an illegal immigrant breaking all sorts of immigration laws, plus breaking and entering, trespassing, leaving suspicious packages all over the country. Dammit hes a terrorist.

    • Nowhereman

      I’d like to see his tax returns!

  • Stogiebear

    Santa’s delivering Frank Miniter a double-headed dildo for Christmas.

    • Oikos

      The double destroyer.

    • zhera

      WHAT??? Why should he get all the best toys? He hasn’t even been nice!

  • Cousin Bleh
    • Sam_Handwich

      now that’s not something you see every day

      • Nowhereman

        I’m actually kind of glad about that…

    • KCMC
      • Strepsi

        Rudolph, the red-arsed pain dear.

      • Todd20036

        He must have been a VERY good boy

    • ultragreen

      So Santa is preparing to ride one of his reindeer?

    • Acronym Jim

      “Best guess for this image is: ‘image'”

      Google image search sure wussed out on that one.

    • zhera

      Such a giver, that Santa dude.

    • Nowhereman

      So I’m guessing naughty?

    • JCF

      “And NOW!” grinned the Grinch, “I will stuff up the tree!” And the Grinch grabbed the tree, and he started to shove…

  • Oh’behr

    Yeah, right … wrong as usual. Klaus isn’t a right winger. He fights for good and not for the ‘murikkkan way either.

    He fights for the poor, downtrodden and against what is rotten. Kids believe in him. Most adults too.

  • Sam_Handwich

    you forgot the Mental Illness tag

  • Michael R
    • Oh’behr

      Is that you, Michael?

    • Lazycrockett

      I wonder if he explained to santa why he was dropping trou or just SURPRISE!!

      • Bluto

        Or did santa pull them down?

    • Treant

      Somewhere there’s a photo of me in college sitting on Santa’s lap. Santa was the Mr. Muscle of our University, so I look kind of…half embarrassed and half very interested.

  • Todd Allis

    You would think they’d prefer Krampus.

  • j.martindale

    If there were ANY justice in the world, Santa Clause would be taking an AK-47 down the chimneys of the right wingers and exterminating all of the assholes in their sleep.

  • another_steve

    In my dotage I am increasingly attracted to heavily-bearded older men.

    They excite me.

  • Lazycrockett

    The Democrat Party is really fucked up.

    • j.martindale

      Maybe the electors are fucked up. But you want to see bat-shit crazy, find the bozos who voted tRump.

    • JCF

      This was part of a strategy—it wasn’t just “Oh, I don’t really like Hillary” (except maybe the one in Hawaii who voted for Bernie).

  • Steven H

    “Santa likely wouldn’t go in for participation awards and scoreless soccer games for the kids. No, he believes in real outcomes, even in rewards and punishments.”

    What?! He literally (figuratively) gives every single child on the planet a gift merely for being “nice.” That sounds like the world’s greatest participation award to me.

    Also, scoreless soccer games have real outcomes: you get a point for ties; that point can have real consequences if you’re in a tight point battle with a league competitor. Obviously conservatives can’t think past a single game.

  • ultragreen

    What “butch right-winger” would fly around the world while wearing that ridiculous red and white outfit?

  • Kim K’s Kute Koochy✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ
    • JCF

      I’m Cher, bitches!

  • safari

    Actually I’ve read St. Nicholas is the patron saint of both prostitutes and children. Legend says he snuck dowries for three sisters into their shoes as they came of age so their father didn’t have to sell them. How socialist :-p

    • clay

      (and pawn brokers)

      • grada3784

        The 3 gold balls fronting pawn shops originate with good old St. Nick. with a stop in between with the Medici.

        They’re the bags of gold redeeming the kids that safari mentioned.

        • clay

          . . . and why some people assume only guys with three balls can be pawn brokers.

          • grada3784

            Sometimes there are jobs that take a lot of balls.

  • Halou

    If Santa is only paid in milk and cookies what does he pay his workforce? More than that, what currency does he use to acquire all of the raw materials he uses for his workshop? It seems to me that Santa operates the world’s largest slave mill. Not to mention him being the most prolific thief in human history.

    And about his reindeer. Since the only consumables he is reported to receive are milk and cookies we have to assume that is what he feeds his reindeer with, and that’s just not healthy over long periods of time. So add animal abuse to the list of sins.

    Conservative? Sure looks that way.

    • another_steve

      Wonderful and perceptive comment, Halou. Kudos to you.

      This is the primary reason I am Jewish.

      Santa Claus is Satan.

      • Mikey

        that would be Satan Claus.

    • Whicker Park

      What? You don’t know that people leave greens and carrots for his reindeer? At least those that are in the know do.

  • ultragreen
  • Somehow, I think conservative Santa would would only visit the children of CEOs and hedge fund managers

  • Sam_Handwich
    • clay

      Yeah, the Left, with all those atheists and Jews, it’ll drive them nuts.

      • Nowhereman

        As a lifelong atheist, I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve lain awake, worrying about Santa’s skin color and political affiliation–because I never have!

    • Oh’behr

      Lol. I love your tweet back to him. That’s excellent and still has me laughing.

    • ByronK
      • Librarykid

        Santa is probably the kindest part of the whole Christmas / Christain mythology so naturally the right wing has to make him as mean as the rest of the Paulist lies. I guess our comments here are going to get us all fired and sent to camps.

    • Nowhereman

      Besides, everybody knows that conservatives never GIVE anything away.

    • ChrisMorley

      Yesterday he wrote a reassuring column for Britain’s socialist Guardian
      ‘The secret life of Father Christmas – For 10 years I’ve donned the red costume, beard and wig for my festive alter ego, Santa Claus. It’s hard work and not great pay, but a happy child’s smile is priceless’
      ‘ ….. Personally I think of Father Christmas as a kind of holy fool, old and wise, young at heart, quite old-fashioned, but above all a kind, generous and fun-loving friend to all children, irrespective of any particular faith or none. He embodies the spirit of the nativity story’s unconditional love but also embraces a whole host of pagan and folkloric midwinter drinking and feasting traditions from around the world. He’ll happily accept proffered gifts of mince pies, sausage rolls or Christmas cake, carrots or other goodies for his reindeer, and a range of liquid refreshments encompassing whisky, brandy, port, hot chocolate, glass of milk … or a can of Stella.

      He loves goodness, of course, but hopes that adults will demonstrate it too. He tries hard to be good himself but acknowledges that it can be jolly difficult to be good all of the time. And if a parent attempts to make presents dependent on giving up a comfort such as thumb or dummy, he will recall how he, as a youngster, had a similar habit that, one day, he managed to give up. Just like that.’

    • pj

      wow..the p word.

    • Tiger Quinn

      Am I supposed to be impressed that you called someone you don’t like a pansy? Because I am very much not.

  • Oikos

    Hmm disqus notifications working, avatars gone.

  • Cuberly
  • TexasBoy

    And don’t forget, according to Megyn at Fox News, both Santa and Jesus are lily white.

  • Natty Enquirer
  • Acronym Jim

    Wait, I thought “free trade” and “globalism” were liberal ideals because “Obama.”

  • Clive Johnson

    Jesus was a white conservative.
    Santa Claus was a white conservative.
    God is a white conservative.

    White conservatism is a metaphysical principle of the universe, apparently.

    • Dirk Prophet

      Don’t forget the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and Tinkerbell.

  • Dirk Prophet

    St. Nicholas was a swarthy 4th century Greek living in modern day Turkey.

  • zhera

    “But, as a livestock owner, he is connected to the earth in a very real and manly way.”


    Can’t Santa be said to be a socialist pinko commie, what with his penchant for GIVING AWAY THINGS FOR FREE? And his sled is powered by magical reindeer so he’s probably one of those tree huggers who believe in global warming!

  • ColdCountry

    “But, as a livestock owner, he is connected to the earth in a very real and manly way.”
    Uh, and your basis for saying this? Not to mention, how does one connect to the earth in a “manly way?”

    • zhera

      With a penis. It’s always the penis.

    • Halou

      Beastiality, duh.

  • Gregory In Seattle

    He is famous for giving stuff away for free, and he almost always wears red. That makes him a socialist, duh.

    • Halou

      More so he comes from a land of snow and ice, and one of his icons is a big star.

      Birth Certificate When?!?!

    • CanuckDon

      With no agenda other than making others happy. DEFINITELY not a Conservative!

  • pch1013
  • RKitty01

    the stupidity burns bright with this one

  • madknits

    Yeah, and he’s also imaginary.

  • Rod Steely

    Now there is a war on Christmas if I have ever seen one.

  • Nowhereman

    Somebody really should tell conservatives that Santa Claus is a supernatural fantasy person. They seem to spend a lot of time worrying about people and things that don’t effing exist. Oh–and Santa’s color and political affiliations are the same as each child’s parents. They could look this shit up.

  • But we all know Santa isn’t a conservative because, besides being a totally pagan construct, he’s funny in a funny way. Conservative jokes are dreary and mirthess that if they came from a hired clown you wouldn’t pay for.

  • Bitsey Mae

    Ummmmm, (pssst Fox) Santa’s not real, like your “news”.

  • fuzzybits
  • Skeptical_Inquirer

    Santa’s not conservative. He’s still married to his first wife.

  • greenmanTN
  • greenmanTN

    If you want to read a really perverse book, try “Santa Steps Out” by Robert Devereaux. Santa and the Tooth Fairy, who eats teeth and shits quarters, meet up and mayhem ensues. Then Mrs Claus bangs all the elves to get back at him.,320_.jpg

    • JCF

      “Then Mrs Claus bangs all the elves to get back at him.”

      Hey, maybe that’s where John Goodman got his “Santa’s in a Bad Mood” schtick he did on Colbert a week or two ago? IIRC, Santa: “And then Mrs Claus slept w/ an elf. Oh, who am I kidding: she slept w/ ALL the elves!”

      • greenmanTN

        It’s been a while since I read it, but IIRC Santa ejaculates on a Christmas tree and it becomes white candy canes. Then anyone who eats one of them becomes an expert cocksucker.

        So it’s far from one of those stop motion animation Christmas stories from the 60s!

        In a way it’s just good for its outrageousness, the surprising places it goes, but Devereaux also wrote a story about Judas Iscariot I like, a defense of his actions which boils down to “I just played the part I was assigned, and if it wasn’t for me Jesus would have died of old age and you wouldn’t have the martyr you need for your religion, so stop your bitching.”

        I’ve never read “Santa vs The Homophobes” but since it’s late December I might be in a Christmas-y mood after all. 😉

  • The Return of Traxley

    The American Santa Claus is a basic bitch compared to the ones in Europe.

    In parts of Germany, Saint Nicholas has a sidekick named Belsnickel. He’s also made it across the pond and migrated to Pennsylvania and Indiana. He’s a little complicated to describe. Here’s a note from 1850:

    “He was known as Kriskinkle, Beltznickle and sometimes as the Xmas woman. Children then not only saw the mysterious person, but felt him or rather his stripes upon their backs with his switch. The annual visitor would make his appearance some hours after dark, thoroughly disguised, especially the face, which would sometimes be covered with a hideously ugly phiz – generally wore a female garb – hence the name Christmas woman – sometimes it would be a veritable woman but with masculine force and action. He or she would be equipped with an ample sack about the shoulders filled with cakes, nuts, and fruits, and a long hazel switch which was supposed to have some kind of a charm in it as well as a sting. One would scatter the goodies upon the floor, and then the scramble would begin by the delighted children, and the other hand would ply the switch upon the backs of the excited youngsters – who would not show a wince, but had it been parental discipline there would have been screams to reach a long distance.”

    Then there’s Krampus, the Christmas demon, who prowls the streets after dark, dragging heavy chains and carries coal and switches for bad children, but he’s got a softer side (for a demon) and gives out candy to good kids. He and Saint Nicholas are BFFs in Austria (see photo below).

    But the Netherlands have the most horrifying Christmas tradition of all. Sinterklaas arrives in early December every year by on his ship, accompanied by his bro, Black Peter (Zwarte Piet), a black guy from Spain. They walk around greeting everyone and set the mood for festivities. The night of December 5, however, is when the reckoning begins. Kids leave out their shoes. Good kids get candy and presents. Bad kids get coal and a switch as an ominous warning. REALLY bad kids get kicked and beaten by Sinterklaas, and Black Peter hauls them off to Spain in a burlap sack, never to be heard from again. “You better be good for goodness sake” carries a lot more weight in Amsterdam.

  • Gaylaskan

    Unfortunately I think this article may harbor some truth: Santa is conservative. But it’s not naughty vs. nice, it’s rich vs. poor. He only stops at the households that can afford him. This teaches rich kids & poor kids (and the ever-fewer kids in between) that they each get what they deserve; that poor = naughty and rich = nice.

    Then we grow up and the televangelists and megachurches tell us the same thing.

  • JCF

    “So dare we say it”

    AS IF you Drumpfian Teabag bastards EVER self-censor anything from your Raging (Groping) Ids???

    • clay

      (that’s his idea of a joke)

  • Dreaming Vertebrate

    The next RWNJ this little dino finds skulking about the roof in a red cap is getting a backside full of buckshot!! Creepy bastards!

  • It’s really a shame that Santa is a myth. Otherwise, he’d probably run for president.

  • Earl

    And some people say smoking crack is bad…

    They’ve not seen the effects religion has on some people.

  • dcurlee

    He can’t be he’s to giving to the needy

  • justme

    Well we are almost through another war on Christmas..Now leave Santa alone.. He has to get home .So he can watch his gay porn with the “boys”…

  • MBear

    So gay

  • Tiger Quinn

    Search for Hemingway? Papa was a drunk and then he killed himself. There, I saved you time.

  • Alex Polkovsky

    Santa also relies on the money of others, namely parents, to give handouts to children while subsidizing corporations.

    And he’s a judgemental peeping tom.

  • Robert Anthony

    All the conservative figureheads are imaginary, or delusional… that’s all this article says to me. ‘Scuse me whilst I go pray to santa, I mean jebus… that all my wishes come true and that everyone on the naughty list gets coal in hell.

  • NancyP

    Moss. Reindeer eat lichens and moss.
    Hey Santa – Trump needs some coal.

  • Orly

    Santa makes lists of children throughout the world and, oh no, he puts them in categories according to their behavior race, religion, and sexual orientation

    There, fixed that for you.

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