Jim Bakker Guest: God Has Told Me Trump Will Win Because He Always Tells His Prophets First [VIDEO]

Via Right Wing Watch:

Mary Colbert assured Bakker that God told her that Trump will win the election, but he will face several cataclysmic events as the new president: “God doesn’t do anything without telling his prophets first, that’s the way it is. He tells them so that they can tell. And this is what he said to me. He said, ‘Mary, Donald Trump is going to be your next president, but if you think your problems are over, they will have just begun.’”

Despite hearing from God that Trump “is gonna be elected,” she also warned that if Hillary Clinton wins, “we’re gone, we’re sunk; it’s judgment.” She cited a divinely-inspired message from Mark Taylor, another self-proclaimed prophet who also said that God assured him of a Trump victory, that “when he is elected,” two stars will fall “from heaven,” which she interpreted to mean that two atomic bombs will go off, likely simultaneous strikes from North Korea and Iran. Bakker offered a more vague warning: “Something’s coming!”

  • Michael Smith

    Hillary will win by a good amount then.

  • AtticusP

    Right.

    God also spoke to several of the Republican candidates for President and He told them all to run.

    Such a trickster that God!

    • vorpal

      This god of theirs is the biggest player in human history :-).

      • Ragnar Lothbrok

        You know, he never talks about his penis. He even admits to raping poor little mary, so we know he must have one. But not a peep. It must not be source of pride, I guess.

        • AtticusP

          I think a big white dove was involved somehow.

          And an angel.

          Well, why not? The whole thing starts with a talking snake, for Pete’s sake.

          • Nic Peterson

            Blasphemy in the morning! Delicious.

          • AtticusP

            And it isn’t just for breakfast any more… 🙂

          • Phillip in L.A.

            Any time of the day is perfect for enjoying blasphemy, but it does seem especially piquant in the morning, Nic Peterson!

          • Nic Peterson

            Best enjoyed with coffee and my hair still in rollers.

          • Nic Peterson

            I have been known to blaspheme as I am filled with the spirit prostrate on St Mattress.

            Oh god I am indeed coming…

          • Lulawsisson

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          • Rolf

            Yes indeed, Mary was impregnated by a pigeon. And pigeons, like most birds, have no penis. They rub their cloaca (a multi purpose excretory orifice: shit, piss, eggs and sperm all come out of it) against their object of desire and squirt out ejaculate.
            Maybe this is why Jehovah is perpetually pissed off – penis envy.

          • AtticusP

            Speaking of pigeons: this guy has convinced millions of them that he is fit to be President.

            https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/4067718066fdf5306ec2bdc98e52eca13d89371220d46d7095064a2a79edcb74.jpg

          • kaydenpat

            I can imagine him squashing that poor dove with his bare hands. Sad.

          • AtticusP

            I pictured him biting off its head.

            But I think we’re both on the right track.

          • lymis

            Are there actually any photos of him, at any age, where he doesn’t look sleazy?

          • AtticusP

            Doubtful.

            I think he’s been sleazy since he was in utero.

          • Robert Flanagan

            Damn can a person be even more unattractive? Oh yeah, his sons.

        • vorpal

          I am pretty much never one to shame the victim of rape, but in Mary’s case, I’m pretty sure she might have been lying about her rapist.

          There are whole Wikipedia pages on god’s penis and all the miracles it has done:
          https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holy_Prepuce

          • Bluto

            God’s penis sure has been in A LOT of hands. Apparently foreskins are très chic as wedding gifts too. Learn something new every day.

          • vorpal

            Time with me is often educational, although not necessarily in the ways one wants or should want. 😼

          • BudClark

            There are multiple alleged relics of the Holy Foreskin scattered across Christendom.

            Kinda like if you brought all the relics of the True Cross together, you could re-forest the entire Sahara Desert.

        • lymis

          I don’t think the Mary thing can be classed as rape. She clearly consented, at least she told the angel that she consented to being the mother of God’s baby.

          So really, the most God can be accused of is muscling in on another man’s betrothed, and then not marrying the woman he knocked up. A case can possibly be made for being an absent father, too.

          • vorpal

            I just scanned the first chapter of each of the four gospels, and apart from Luke, there doesn’t seem to be any mention of this.

            Even in Luke, it appears that the angel doesn’t exactly give Mary a choice: he says that THIS is what is going to happen, no choice offered, and then she agrees to be the lord’s servant.

            Still sounds kind of rapey to me.

          • Ragnar Lothbrok

            It sounds as if you are open to my own special interpretation of biblical history. Classes being soon.
            We don’t pass the plate, but there will be a mandatory ” offering “

          • vorpal

            Your “special interpretation class” Yelp reviews are… unnerving, to say the least. Thus, I will happily enter your workshop and take your seminar. I hope to be taught a valuable lesson I will remember.

            Part of me is saying I should be filled with the fear of Great Gay God.

          • Yes, but in the gospel of Luke (this story doesn’t appear anywhere else) she is only informed of all this after she’s pregnant. What if she’d decided she didn’t want to be pregnant out of wedlock even if it was god’s baby? Consent has to be prior not retroactive so while she might not have pressed rape charges, it was still rape.

          • Ragnar Lothbrok

            Why the hell didn’t she request a DNA test ? For all we know, she had happy time with that hot goat herder.

        • BudClark

          I’ve always wondered why “gawd” created the sex drive, gave us free will, and then made sex the number one reason for eternal damnation.

          Curious …

          • RoFaWh

            There’s a Buddhist belief that at the moment of orgasm, we briefly glimpse Nirvana.

    • safari

      God knew the election would be a slog, so he gave us some comedy to start off the toil.

      • AtticusP

        I think Sarah Palin was enough to last a lifetime!

    • kaydenpat

      Or they’re just all coocoo.

    • StSean

      imma need her to conjure a fireball before i listen to a word she says

    • Danieruw

      It didn’t actually say they’d win, did it. Just told them to run. God is such a jokester!

  • Butch

    It really is mental illness, isn’t it?

    • RoFaWh

      Yes, but imo it’s an interesting mental illness in that given proper upbringing and education, she wouldn’t have it.

      OTOH, some people are born con men.

    • Richard

      No, it is merely a willingness to appear mentally ill in order to con gullible folks, really gullible folks out of their cash

      • CanuckDon

        A bunch of con-oriented actors or a group of mentally deranged….I haven’t quite figured out which is worse!

  • clay

    Are all of Bakker’s “chin mole” mics beige? Does he have any for people with darker complexions?

    • vorpal

      Darker complexions?
      Hahahahaha!
      I think you need to be HTML #F0F0F0 minimum to be a True Christian.

    • Phillip in L.A.

      I thought it was a Sweetart left over from Halloween, clay!

    • TheManicMechanic

      The still pic of the lunatic woman has the mic looking like a cyst ready to detonate. Maybe that’s where Bakker got his inspiration?

  • Oikos
    • I love that. The two best overall performers that show ever had.

  • Michael Smith

    If Hillary wins, will you interpret that to mean that God was screwing with you?

  • bkmn

    You would think with her record of wrong predictions that she would learn to keep her mouth shut.

    • Tor

      Really. The best prophecies are the ones revealed only after the fact.

  • Sam_Handwich
    • Butch

      Or from the wedding episode: “Remember when we yoked your balls?”

    • Ragnar Lothbrok

      Ha Ha Ha Ha – So refreshing !

    • 2patricius2

      That furniture – just like the furniture of the Trinity Broadcasting Network and the Trump mansion……

  • MDixon34

    “god assured me donald would win. But if he doesn’t…”
    God doesn’t seem too confident in his own abilities.

  • You know what the New Testament says about people who claim to be prophets, right?

  • PickyPecker
  • shellback

    Deuteronomy 18:10-13

    There shall not be found among you anyone who burns his son or his
    daughter as an offering, anyone who practices divination or tells
    fortunes or interprets omens, or a sorcerer or a charmer or a medium or a
    necromancer or one who inquires of the dead, for whoever does these
    things is an abomination to the Lord.

  • vorpal

    I’d say, “Won’t she feel stupid when it turns out she’s wrong?”
    But we all know that she won’t.

  • OhNo,Sweetie

    Jim, check the area code on your celestial caller ID, you might not be talking to who you think you are

    • OdieDenCO

      the call is coming from inside her head

  • PickyPecker
    • 2patricius2

      It’s no wonder so many of these evangelists support Trump. They are all charlatans like him. And he is like the king of conmen. They can only hope to ride his coattails to greater cons and greater riches.

      • RoFaWh

        Your analysis has the ring of truth to it.

    • kaydenpat

      I have never seen Osteen looking serious. Other people’s money has made him so happy.

  • Gustav2

    God spokesperson, KellyAngel, just told me he was misquoted, what he really said:

    “Mary, IF Donald Trump is going to be your next president, you think your problems are over, they will have just begun.”

  • Sam_Handwich

    omg, miss drudge is losing her shit very bigly

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CwbZgQgWEAAqTzO.jpg

    • SoCalGal20

      Mary!

    • another_steve

      If the world is going to end soon, I need to know the date. I assume they’ll be publishing it.

      My calendar’s filling up, and I need to know.

    • Uncle Mark

      And statues of Jesus and the Virgin Mary have been seen bleeding out of there wherever

    • kaydenpat

      I prefer a Witch/Occult practitioner over a Bigot.
      But yes, Drudge has lost whatever mind he had before this election.

  • iamanotheru
  • Crow on a Top Hat

    I’m 99.99% sure they’re full of bs. The other 00.01% it’s probably a trickster god or spirit. They like to mess with with people who are full of themselves.

  • karmanot

    Yawn….NEXT !………………………………………………………

  • Friday

    Err, lady, you do know that ‘God’s’ been wrong sixteen times in this election already, just nominating Republicans? I think you may actually be worshiping Imaginary Teabagger In The Sky.

  • Texndoc

    That was just TammyFaye f’in with ya, jerks.

  • SoCalGal20

    Every time Joe has a post about some crazy thing Jim Bakker said, it always makes me think of his and Tammy Faye’s son Jay, who is one of the leaders on the liberal side of the evangelical movement (yes, it’s apparently something that exists, particularly with the under-40 crowd). Like supportive of gay marriage, thinks religion should not be involved in politics, etc.

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jay_Bakker

  • Neely OHara

    Nobody panic! The prophesies won’t come true, because they forgot to say “Ooogetty boogetty” and “Bibbitty bobbitty boo.”

  • Pollos Hermanos

    I predict a large box of Immodium in Jim Bakkers future. Jesus told me so.

    https://media.giphy.com/media/78TOJdvBet11C/giphy.gif

  • Steverino

    Umm… If God told you Trump is going to win, then there is no “if Hillary wins.” That is like saying the election is rigged for Hillary, but Trump is going to win in a landslide, or that a woman can be slightly pregnant.

    • Piercedchrlz

      Or that a Trump can be marginally intelligent.

  • Tor

    Self contradiction here. “Trump’s gonna win, but if Hillary does…”
    Makes no internal sense. I’m not surprised.

    • Steverino

      Double-think. It is a conservative thing.

      • Larry Gist

        you spelled “christian” wrong.

  • Ragnar Lothbrok

    Is this a SNL skit ?? Does she really look / act / talk / be like that ??!

    And btw, if your name is Mary, he may want to plant something in you.

  • Sashineb

    And did her god warn her about the upcoming attacks on 9/11? If he is so concerned about keeping in touch with his “profits”, then wouldn’t he have alerted them about the attacks?? And where was that god during the attacks?

  • Treant

    >>Despite hearing from God that Trump “is gonna be elected,” she also warned that if Hillary Clinton wins, “we’re gone, we’re sunk; it’s judgment.”

    You’ve already assured us that he’ll win, therefore Trump voters get to stay home on Tuesday without any worries!

  • Lazycrockett

    god told me to tell you to STFU.

  • AtticusP

    Please tell me that this demented woman is in no way related to Stephen Colbert.

    • Steverino

      Perhaps she is, and is just punking the evilgenitals.

  • ‘Mary, Donald Trump is going to be your next president, but if you think your problems are over, they will have just begun.’

    Well, they got that part right.

  • Lazycrockett

    I still can’t believe that Jim Bakker is still a thing after prison time and all these years.

  • Lazycrockett

    OT Guess Christie ISNT going to be campaigning for Drumpf after all this weekend. sad.

  • 2patricius2

    She’s got her bases covered. God told her that Trump will be elected. But if Clinton is elected, disaster will come. However, if Trump is elected there will also be disaster. And the reason Bakker had her on his program? He has a lot of packages of disaster food to sell. He wants some money in the bank. Which indicates that he thinks all these prophecies are a crock of shit, cause he expects his money to be safe.

  • teeveedub

    God told me that one of the cataclysms that President Trump will face will be mass deaths of televangelist-watching Xtians due to eating spoiled survivalist food from Jim Bakker’s 5-gallon buckets.

    • BudClark

      I wondered about that … is it all dehydrated or irradiated or freeze-dried or whatever? After the Apocalypse, there won’t be any power for refrigeration, once a bucket has been opened … sadly, these folks think solar and wind power are demonic.

  • pj

    guess hillarys got it in the bag

  • Dreaming Vertebrate

    She needs to buy a decade’s worth of apocalypse slop buckets, just in case gawd was being sarcastic.

  • BobSF_94117

    Sign you should consider getting a new prophet: use of the word “if”.

  • Traxley Launderette

    Sorry, sweetheart. That’s just Tammy Faye’s ghost out there pranking for her amusement. Usually she hangs with Pat Robertson and freaks him out daily, but thought a change would be nice.

  • IamM

    Charles Nelson Reilly looks good for his age. 👀😳😁

  • Oikos
  • MB

    Something’s coming…….. maybe tonight !!!!!!!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1kHuV4rGqw

    • unclemike

      Ooooh, I get to spend election night with Darren Criss in Hedwig! So excited!

  • DaveMiller135

    The trick is, they never revisit the predictions they get wrong.

  • Lazycrockett
    • Treant

      Come Wednesday, November 9th, no matter who wins (Clinton will), you’re going to see Angry Obama.

      • RoFaWh

        And there will be pink slips distributed to certain FBI employees.

        • CanuckDon

          They should be made to wear them.

  • penpal

    Let’s make a deal. If this whackadoodle professional liar is right, we will never doubt her again. If she’s wrong, she fucks off forever.

  • hdtex

    CLEARLY this woman just wants Jesus to grab her pussy!

    • BudClark

      “Gospel” preachers and singers have unassisted orgasms on stage all the time … just watch them.

  • Oikos
    • 2patricius2

      Taco Tuesday! Here we come!

  • MB

    Something’s coming……TACO Tuesday !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • ShawnSwagger

    Giuliani got a more realistic-looking wig? Good buy Rudy… err.. I mean “Mary”.

  • shrumpi

    Didn’t God also tell them that Romney was going to win in 2012? And McCain in 2008? That God of theirs is such a trickster!!!

  • “God doesn’t do anything without telling his prophets first, that’s the way it is.”
    Self-delusion at its very best.

  • Phillip in L.A.

    Does she have a SweeTart® stuck to her chin? C’mon Joe, please give us some kind of prior warning b4 scrolling down to such non-beautiful photos! ;}

    Stress Reduction & Anxiety Alleviation Dept.: Please listen to Boris Dlugosch, “Keep Pushin’ (Original Club Mix, 1995), below:

    https://youtu.be/LIzu5blVOhE

  • Richard B

    Just thinking about Jim Bakker makes my head hurt.
    So what do you call a ex-con fraudster, adulterer, and the religious grifter extraordinaire who sell disaster buckets that harks Donald Trump through a acolyte prophet ?

    • RoFaWh

      What do you call him? “A shameless piece of shit”.

  • eyechart
    • PickyPecker

      YAY! ‘Strangers With Candy’ reference!!

      • Phillip in L.A.

        Do you think we could start a petition to get SWC reinstated? I so miss Jerri, Mr Jelinek, and all the others!

        • PickyPecker

          Loved that show!!

          • Phillip in L.A.

            Loved that teaser with Jelinek & Noblet checking out the Boys’ Room to make sure everything’s . . . all right!

            (Teenage Boy 1.) “Wait’ll you see the little celebration of your slutitude that we got planned for you at the jazz recital! It’ll be a clear indictment of our stunted emotional development.”

            Good times!
            http://www.cc.com/video-clips/judpgy/strangers-with-candy-boy-s-bathroom

      • Pollos Hermanos

        Hobo Camp! Is it hobo camp?

  • June Gordon

    God told this prophets that Trump will win? So if Hillary wins, God is either a liar and/or incompetent at his job.

    • RoFaWh

      Or, and this is much more likely, she’s just another lying grifter.

  • AW

    This is completely off-topic. But I think we need to GOTV now. Get on the phones and get outside. I can phonebank and that’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to phonebank for Hillary, it has to happen.

    https://www.hillaryclinton.com/calls/

    Can you chip in?

  • MB

    Twatwaffle’s husband (“Dr.” Don Colbert) is a gradjiate of Oragel Raptured University Medikkkal Skrewool.
    Can you say gay-face ???
    http://www.mynewday.tv/uploads/guest%20pictures/doncolbert.jpg

    • Lazycrockett

      Plastic surgery never looks right on men.

      • MB

        Especially with Abandonedgelikkal helmet-hair.

    • Phillip in L.A.

      gay-face in spades!

    • TuuxKabin

      Looks like Liberace, who I liked. Pity this.

  • RoFaWh

    She’s crazy.

  • MB

    God just called and she told me that you were inhabited by demons. Who dressed those women… ZOIKS ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

  • Jack_Carter_USA

    I wonder if she noticed that her magical sky friend told her exactly what she wanted to hear.

  • SoCalGal20
    • Sam_Handwich

      was Chachi not available?

      • SoCalGal20

        Maybe they’ll send him to AZ or NV.

      • MB

        Nyet, he was busy bottoming for Kirk Cameron.

        • Reality.Bites

          There’s a time in my life I would have paid good money to watch that.

    • SoCalGal20

      Joe Biden will be speaking in WI. C-Span has it!

      https://twitter.com/cspan/status/794582183797080064

    • ShawnSwagger

      All of our strategic stupid reserves together on the same stage? Is that wise?

    • Joe in PA

      Hmmm, that’ll be an intimate LITTLE gathering for them on election night. I. Can’t. Wait!

  • SilasMarner

    Either delusional or out and out liar. Hell, could be both.

  • Robert Conner

    At this point you couldn’t build a state hospital large enough to warehouse all these crazies. So I guess that’s what churches are for.

    • RoFaWh

      Some of the now-abandoned insane asylums were pretty damned big!

      Youtube offers videos of urban explorers checking them out.

      • Robert Conner

        But sadly not as big as mega-churches.

  • Porkie

    “Bakker offered a more vague warning: “Something’s coming!””
    Woah there Jim-Boy! That’s what got you into trouble last time ….Maybe just take a cold shower?

  • Richard

    God told me I should order Tacos in advance because there will be a national taco shortage next week. She really works in mysterious ways and possibly holds stock in Taco Bell.

  • TexasBoy

    Because an all powerful, all knowing, omnipotent sky fairy needs to play the telephone game and talk through prophets, rather than just making his presence known. I mean, I could believe in God if I saw him/her/it regrow just one missing human limb, or feed all the hungry people worldwide, or cure cancer worldwide. This entity should be able to do so with a mere thought, according to his followers, but chooses not to do so, and they still find it worthy of their praise and worship.

    • Reality.Bites

      Just make one of those world-wide broadcasts that others perceive in their native language. Aliens do it in movies all the time.

      The fact is that any God who gave a damn about this planet could solve 99% of its problems just by showing up and saying “Oh, and BTW, everything but Orthodox Judaism is sacrilege” or “Believe it or not, I really did talk to Joseph Smith.”

      Or best yet, “Sorry to disappoint, but only atheists go to heaven. If there’s two things I hate it’s agnostics and kiss-asses.”

      • RoFaWh

        Language in fantasy and SF:

        The only writer to “do it right” was Tolkien, and even there I have doubts. He modeled Quenya on Finnish and Sindarin on Welsh, fictionally saying the latter was a descendant of the former. but this is highly unpersuasive as the two are just too different to be related.

        Finnish is a Finno-Ugric (or Altaic) language, Welsh an Indo-european language. True, some linguists believe those two families are related but if so, the relation goes back a very long ways.

        Other writers are worse, writing down unpronounceable strings of letters and pretending it’s a language.

        I prefer Jack Vance’s approach, where everyone speaks the same language and samples of it are never offered.

  • Crow on a Top Hat

    So what has the Simpsons predicted? The Internet tells me they have a better track record.

    • EweTaw

      Have you seen the GOP ad that is a bad spoof of the Simpsons called “The Clintons”? Suck big time. But it’s out there. It’s out there.

  • DaddyRay

    Profit is spelled wrong

  • Reality.Bites

    I guess God’s precognition doesn’t extend to what’s going to happen in fashion.

  • Michael R
    • Treant

      Play it backward and it looks like he’s throwing up half-chewed marshmallows.

    • EweTaw

      Pigs at the trough.

  • Gregory B

    OMFG…

  • Uncle Mark

    Look, Mary, if your god hasn’t warned you about the disasters that are your hair and clothes, then he’s just not your friend.

    • Reality.Bites

      Could be a frenemy though.

  • Dirk Prophet

    God told ME Donald is a total asshole who will lose the election and all his money. God never lies to me about shit like that.

  • Hank

    Mary and Jim….
    They’re Coming to Take me Away
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Fn36l_z3WY

    • EweTaw

      That was a very popular song when I was in my teens. Many of us memorized it and would sing in on the school bus. The less creative just sang One Hundred Bottles of Beer on the Wall.

      • Reality.Bites

        Was yours a “if one of those bottles should happen to fall” school or a “take one down, pass it around” type?

        • EweTaw

          We were proactive Mormon youth and always took one down.

          • RoFaWh

            “Proactive”

            Bad word. I hate it.

            Try “we were momo youths who took the initiative and….”

          • EweTaw

            Proactive is the perfect “Mormon” word for Mormons. It was invented by a Mormon, Stephen Covey, who is so special that the entire State has made him an icon of the perfect Mormon.And proactie compliment the official State drug: Prozac. In fact, since the sudden invasion of Starbucks all over the State the official State drink is a Prozappuccino (you favorite candy coffee confectious drink chased by your morning does of Prozac). 🙂

    • NO MORE GOP!

      One of the best songs ever. When I was a wee tyke and this was brand new, a friend of my mother’s who often used to look after me used to prance around the house chanting it. At the time, I thought she was just trying to amuse me. In retrospect, I think it was the effect I had on her.

  • Secure

    God told me Tammy Faye is going to haunt you Jim.

  • motordog

    “I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.”
    -Susan B. Anthony

    • TallBearNC

      That’s one of the best quotes I’ve ever heard
      1) you actually hear voices you’re going to be labeled is crazy
      2) if you’ve “heard it in your heart” and you quote know what God’s will and intent is”, you’re either a nasty liar, or you’re crazy

      Maybe God, if there is one, does talk to some people… But if he or she does, I would think it would be somebody worthy like someone in need of an actual miracle was dying or has a family member dying or sick or something like that

      • RoFaWh

        People who are true Christians or Jews or Moslems (all three call for believers to be charitable) hear the voice of God, if at all, in the silence of the middle of the night, as a small still voice emanating from the heart.

        Those who boast about it are liars.

  • joe ho

    On the other hand, Sam Wang PhD of Princeton Election Consortium says he will eat a bug if Trump wins more than 240 electoral votes.

    http://election.princeton.edu/2016/11/04/sound-bites-and-bug-bites/

  • TallBearNC

    God would not choose a wig wearing, plastic surgery , harpy to be a “prophet”. Plus these people are just out for money… I’m not sure if they really believe in God the way they are supposed to

    • Phillip in L.A.

      Great comment, TallBearNC! Please fix “prophet” (the last word), because people deserve to see this comment as you probably meant it.

    • Reality.Bites

      I don’t know about that. The Russians chose Donald Trump. The Greens chose Jill Stein. The Libertarians chose Gary Johnson. The Socialists chose Bill Purdue. There’s a longstanding tradition of choosing complete prats as prophets.

    • grada3784

      Well, he did pick Elisha, who was mocked as a baldy. And Elisha was cranky enough about it to call forth 2 she-bears to kill 42 kids.

    • RoFaWh

      No lack of certainty here; they’re grifters and nothing else.

  • JaniceInToronto

    If I had no morals I could be rich, just like this fraud.

  • Rex

    Matthew 7:15 – beware of false prophets, in sheep’s clothing but are ravenous wolves.

  • Rex

    Next time she had God on the line she should ask for some fashion advise.

  • Phillip in L.A.

    Woke up in a kind-of Lisa Stansfield mood today–here she is singing “Been Around the World” with the inimitable Barry White:

    https://youtu.be/LLOWYAzs9GI

  • coram nobis
    • BudClark

      mostly given to the sexually frustrated …

    • andrew

      “The Ecstasy of St. Teresa” Such a beautiful sculpture by Bernini, where he depicts Teresa’s “mystical vision.” In her writings Teresa said: “I saw in his hands a long golden spear, and at the point of the iron there seemed to be a little fire.” “I thought that he thrust several times into my heart, and that it penetrated to my entrails.” Christian mythology has gone from this sublime Catholic mythological encounter to the very mundane mythological encounters of present day Protestant fundamentalists like Mary Colbert.

      • coram nobis

        It’s in the church of Santa Maria Vitoria in Rome, not on many tours, but this Bernini is a lavish work and one of his more vivid ones.

  • Blackfork

    This little shit-creep needs to be back in prison where he belongs. He ran the PTL club (aka Pass The Loot) and it went down for some many reasons.

  • JDS
  • andrew

    I always want to ask these “prophets,” like Mary Colbert, what God looked like when he spoke to her or if she only heard his voice, what did he sound like. Was it God the Father or his Jewish son Jesus or the Holy Ghost, whatever his function is, who spoke to her? Or were all three of them talking to her in a kind of conference call? LOL

    • grada3784

      Jesus works the Catholics. The Holy Ghost works the Protestants.

      • Helen Damnation 🍑™

        Well, as an atheist, I fucking resent that, even if it’s true. We in trouble, gurl.

    • greenmanTN

      A friend of mine in Texas had a psychotic episode and started talking to God in his back yard. So I asked the obvious question, so what does God look like?

      “An elephant with really kind eyes.”

      After he started taking his medication again God stopped dropping by for chats.

    • McSwagg

      She knows it was god because he gave her a burning bush.

  • Spongebob CrankyPants

    ROFLMAO

  • Rex

    I’m quite sure that bombs will go off if Trump wins, he’ll be the one trashing another nation and causing war.
    In the event that Trump loses, what will their response be? They were wrong? God was wrong? An updated prophecy? Only time will tell…

    • Sashineb

      What’s just as interesting will be the response from Westboro Baptist Church. They declared that President Obama would be the very last President of the USA — no more after him. Something to do with the antichrist and how they will be air-lifted to heaven. Glawwwwwry to gawd!!!

  • SFBruce

    You might want to check that connection. I”m not sure that’s God you’re talking to.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFJXdzqiEhE

  • Natty Enquirer

    I see that Charles Nelson Reilly has been cruelly reincarnated.

  • Cuberly

    Oh brother…

    Take it away Mo!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfgqfRTBx0E

  • olandp

    “God told me Trump will win, but if Hillary wins it is all over.” So which one is it, or is God just hedging his bets because he really isn’t all powerful?

  • Ray

    “PROFIT” of God.

  • SoCalVet

    wow that bitch is full of herself. Jesus wept.

  • Jmdintpa

    rest of yall bitches might as well go on home. the prophetess has spoken.

  • Frostbite

    So your all powerful deity can’t rig a simple election? You might want to shop for a new one…

  • kaydenpat

    What should we do about lying prophets who claim they spoke to “God”? There isn’t enough medication in this world to help them with their delusions.

    • grada3784

      There is a Biblical remedy for false prophets. Execution.

      • kaydenpat

        My thoughts exactly.

    • RoFaWh

      Charge them with sedition and conspiracy to overthrow the Constitution by force.

  • grada3784

    So she can be executed for false prophecy if Trump is not elected?

  • Megrim Twist
  • Mark

    Thank you Ronald Reagan for doing away with funding for mental health facilities.

  • lymis

    Sweetie, even if God does tell his prophets important stuff first, it doesn’t logically follow that everyone who claims to hear voices is getting insider trading information from God.

    Your track record isn’t all that hot. So chances are if God’s telling someone stuff, it ain’t you.

  • coram nobis

    Prophets always talk to you?

    FROM: the Church in Corinth
    Dear “Saint” Paul,

    Yes, we’ve gotten your second letter, assuming that was your handwriting and not Timmy’s or someone else. You still haven’t responded to our letters about your last visit to our fair city. Maybe God was talking to you, but you still have to pay the wine bill, which was of biblical size and which the church elders can’t write off their tax bill. Also, your friend “Saint” John of Patmos blew through here yesterday and also reported conversations with God. He’s really been into the hallucinogenic mushrooms, because he talked about a whore of Babylon and horsemen and something about an orange-haired Beast in a glass tower. Where do you find these spokesloons, anyway?

    • RoFaWh

      “…an orange-haired baboon…”

      • coram nobis

        Actually, he more resembles an orangutan or a howler monkey, zoologically speaking.

  • PhillyProfessor

    You used to be able to kill false prophets. I really miss those days. Sad.

  • TuuxKabin
  • Javier Smith

    God always speaks to me every morning. In my cereal. Only when I’m eating Cheerios. He always says “ooooooooo”..

  • Tom (Wpg)

    Silly games people play!

  • Macbill

    Is that Nelson T. Riley in drag?

  • If Hillary wins will she then admit that she was a fraud? Or make up some cockamamie story about why her prophecy wasn’t actually true?

    • djcoastermark

      If Hils wins, Mary will say that the real winner is t rump (and god didn’t lie) because he has caused millions of down trodden and persecuted x stains the voice and power to rise up against the satanic cult that are the Democrats and homersex’ls. In short, the same old gibberish.

  • Charlie

    If someone that I know and love exhibits schizophrenic tendencies in the form of hearing voices, I will strongly suggest psychological counseling. Someone needs to show Mary Colbert, Jim Bakker, Mark Taylor, Rafael & Heidi Cruz, Pat Robertson, Franklin Graham (and a list of others too numerous to name) the same compassion – maybe we shouldn’t be pointing and laughing…maybe we should be trying to help?

    • RoFaWh

      It all depends on whether you see them as mentally ill or as mere grifters who will tell any lie if they think it will stimulate their cash flow.

      I opt for the second.

      • Charlie

        Actually, I see them as “mere grifters” too…I wouldn’t walk across the street to piss on any of ’em if they were on fire…

    • Robert Conner

      Or…we could save everyone a lot of trouble and money, load them all up in a plane, and push them out into shark infested waters about a hundred miles from shore.

  • BudClark

    According to ORTHODOX Christian doctrine, direct revelation ended with the death of the Apostle John on Patmos.

    Even the RC Church supposedly regards the famous Marian apparitions as “private revelations,” which is why the rest of Catholic Christendom (Anglicans, Eastern Orthodoxy, Old Catholics, Armenians, Copts, etc.) regard the proclamations that the Immaculate Conception and the Assumption are dogmas which must be believed in order to be saved as heresy at best, though Anglicans have freedom of conscience to believe them if they wish.

    KKKonservative KKKriSTAINist KKKultist “prophets” and “bishops” are a dime a dozen, and worth about as much.

  • Orion Dumptee

    He told her? HOW? does gawd have a cell? or an i-phone? Last time he called me it was on a Bell dial landline phone,and he ‘reversed’ the charges.(.he may be ‘almighty, but hes’ still a cheap fk) (an it was ‘operator assisted” too)

  • Orly

    Oh, these “prophets”. If they had any ability to think for themselves, they would realize that the whole concept of “prophets”, if real, would mean there is no free will, and therefore being “prophetic” is itself ultimately meaningless.

    Think you morons!
    🙂

  • houstonray

    “God told me Trump will win…..BUT if Hillary wins…” wait, what?

    You know what lady? My God told me you’re a dumbass!

  • CatCope

    Did she just eat sumin’ bitter or sour??
    Anyway, Who decides if YOU are a PROFIT, ah, I mean, Prophet?!
    And, ‘He’? needs Prophets? I thought “He” was omnipotent & powerful, & Yadda, Yadda, Yadda, etc., ………………………………….

  • Kissmagrits

    Oh, the nostalgia this piece triggered for the flaky predictions of the late Harold Camping as he endlessly recalculated the timeline for the Epoxylips……

    That was kind of fun, but this isn’t. This is a part of Jim Bakker’s sales pitch for selling you expensive “Freeze-dried Survival Shit in a Bucket”.

  • teeveedub

    There’s something due
    Any day
    I will know
    Right away
    Soon as it shows …

  • greenmanTN
  • Gary James

    Wait. If God told her Trump will win, then why does she describe what will happen if Clinton wins? Typical religious talk. Makes no sense.

  • Gregory In Seattle

    So when Trump loses, that will mean you are a false prophet, yes? And Deuteronomy 18:20 says that false prophets should be put to death. And since the Holy and Eternally Never Changing Word of God calls for false prophets to be put to death, well….

  • Rt1583

    These asshat prophets always offer up a “Plan B” just in case. That way they can still say they were right.