Homocon/Ex-Gay Doug Mainwaring Explains Gay Sex

Homocon/ex-gay NOM poster boy Doug Mainwaring writes for The Federalist:

When a man and a woman make love, the miracles of conception and birth are possible. When two men attempt the same, the most glorious result possible is an anal discharge of semen mixed with fecal matter. Yet in our current age, the intellects of those who are our societal elites – from Supreme Court Justices to executives in boardrooms to the President now occupying the Oval Office – are completely unable to detect any important difference between the two. Likewise, they are incapable of discerning a difference between male and female and the significance of complementarity.

(2000 words of blah blah anti-LGBT blah)

While I identify myself as a gay man, I do so in the same way a longtime participant in Alcoholics Anonymous would never fail to introduce himself as an alcoholic. I no longer practice homosexuality, and am happily restored to marriage with my wife, but I am well aware of my human frailty and maintain a healthy respect for the power of the flesh and the lure of the world. I love my wife, my soul mate, the mother of my children, and am dedicated to our life and our future together, til’ death do us part.

RELATED: Among his many attempts to thwart LGBT rights, last year Mainwaring joined an amicus brief against Obergefell which claimed that same-sex marriage “demeans” the marriages of gay men married to women. Seriously.

(Tipped by JMG reader Matthew)

  • geoffalnutt

    Santorum!!!!

    • RNegron

      To each life a little santorum must drip.

    • Prion

      • Christopher

        LMAO!

        • Anniejvigil1

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      • james_from_cambridge

        He wants it…he wants it bad. He’s been teasing us for years! But nobody will give it to him 🙁

        https://media0.giphy.com/media/G9aXKywZNBlyE/200.gif
        https://media1.giphy.com/media/1nDm900wgGU1O/200.gif
        http://i.imgur.com/ul4iX.gif

        • grada3784

          Of course not. The mere thought of it would reduce his daughter to tears.

          • Angelafpatino

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    • guest

      Ever notice that with near 100% that with the Right and Christians, society, the world, the planet, and their parents would have been far better off if the woman had swallowed instead? Think about it. No Santorum (Well, OK, for the humor, we could let that happen). No Trump. No Palin. No Porter.

      We should start a public service campaign to prevent the next generation. We could sell it as a “New God’s Loophole.” We could have a new song done.

    • TallBearNC

      1) first off this man doesn’t even mention what happens with heterosexual sex with a woman on her period. Chances are it would be a mixture of semen and blood and other particulates discharge during the end of the menstrual cycle

      2) MARRIAGE doesn’t = procreation!!!! These assholes really need to get the proper equation through their head. Marriage CAN lead to procreation but is not necessary for procreation to happen

      Humans have been having children for tens of thousands of years with out the institution of marriage. Before marriage was invented, humans just screwed each other …. And that’s actually true to this day. You do not need marriage to make a child – all you need is a man and a woman to screw each other, and there’s a chance in a baby will be born ( or a single woman can go to a sperm bank and get fertilized and raise a child on her own )…..Now lets add a little more technology and some surrogacy… With that, two women, or two men can have a child … (By use of surrogacy, egg donor or sperm donar)….ppl can even adopt children at birth, orphanage, or adopt from foster care

      All of the above can happen without marriage at all, or a can happen with marriage – but marriage is not a requirement

      3) Take Technology even further and now it is possible for two gay men to have a child that shares both men’s DNA equally.. It’s in its early stages but it’s already been done …any gay male couple concurrently have this done if they’re willing to shell out some big bucks and willing to leave the USA to have it done.. I’m not saying permanently, The long enough to go to a country that performs this procedure along with your surrogate, and return to the United States – your baby is then born and both men are the genetic parents of the child…and in this case there is no biological mother – you have two ‘biological father’s

      (this is by taking out the DNA material in a female egg and replacing it with the genetic material from a male sperm…. The couple can choose an X or Y sperm resulting in a girl or a boy child)…unFortunately this process is not work for two women yet because when they try to put the DNA of an egg into a sperm, it just doesn’t work – but they are hopeful it will in the next 1 to 2 decades.

      4) Lastly, and this really shouldn’t matter at all, not all gay male couples have anal intercourse…that is a really massive stereotype… I’m sure a good number of our community does engage in that, but so do straight ppl..I think I read a pole once that approximately half of every heterosexual relationship involves the male perfirming anal sex on the female, or even the female putting a strap on and penetrating the male (it’s funny how they want to put all the “blame” for this type of “act”on our community when they do it just almost as much as we do…(sarcasm on) oh wait.. Since they can have children, naturally, then whatever sexual acts they perform is OK or forgiven..(sarcasm off)

      I dated many people throughout my life who did not enjoy the act of male to male intercourse, and while other gay people thought this is a boring sex life, there are quite many other fun things you can do. In fact 75% of the men that I dated did not want to engage in that act, and if they did, I was only after we monogamously committed to each other and were HIV tested regularly… This would be 1989-1996 for me. 1996-2002=husband #1… We didn’t even attempt it for the first four years of our relationship, because he wanted nothing to do with it. Once he did try it, he couldn’t get enough … Unfortunately, for me, couldn’t get enough meant that he couldn’t keep it in his pants, and our relationship ended because he wanted to screw everything in sight – and that was not our agreement.

      Be honest, that the reason why probably me and other people in the 90s, that I was aware of, did not engage in anal intercourse was mostly due to the HIV/AIDS scare. After you bury and go to I half dozen to a dozen funerals for friends, and makes a person wonder “is this even worth it” ( since HIV is transmitted 99% of the time during intercourse ). Nowadays, between condoms and PR EP, the chances are much lower of contracting HIV. if prep were avail in the 90s…it would’ve been far fewer deaths, and people would probably have not been afraid of this act is much. No I didn’t live in some isolated hicktown, I lived in San Francisco California (Daly City/Atherton/Portola Valley), New York, and Sacramento California – and Charlotte North Carolina starting in 2006

      My current husband and I , of 13 years Have never had ” same sex intercourse” ( take that back – we have attempted it twice and decide it is not for us ). He has 0 desire to top and bottom. If have 0 desire to bottom…. So, I’d normally b a top, but that something that is never really been important to me either – it’s not something I have to have – and believe me we have a very healthy sex life .. IMO when you have two loving people coming together to “make love”, there are no definitions of rules as to what that couple should or should not be doing – as long as they are not breaking the law ( not counting sodomy laws – which is any position outside the hetero missionary position ) or hurting anybody else.”, why do ppl fricken care? Why are they so obsessed with any form of homosexual sex – be it between two men or two women?

      I alMost want to say, if you’re so damn curious, why don’t you go out and try it for yourself.. But that would sound just like those straight people that say “oh you just need to sleep with a woman and I will fix everything for you ” (never works).”….

      • Dean Cameron

        Besides, everytime Doug and hi wife had sex, they DID have a baby!

        • AnotherJosh

          Fifty shades of Monty Python’s Protestant couple? 😉

      • Eriq von Hagen

        don’t even attempt to inject reason and factual information into the hate stream of republican bullshit

        • TallBearNC

          True. But having facts and reasons ARMS US. so when they accuse us,,we state facts and turn it right around. I do it with the bible

          Any anti gay,person, pastor etc who I’m meet IRL who tries to use the bible on me, I leave them wrecked. We go back and forth until they are out of ammo

          Last ditch efforts:
          1) I’ll have to read my bible or ask my pastor. I can’t believe the bible says that. Even while I have the book right there showing them passages.
          2) I have faith and I believe it’s wrong. Honesty and refreshing. They admit to being bigoted but don’t care. Although the faith is misplaced
          3) your interpreting it wrong. How? Read for yourself. These verses have no room like others. They are clear. Then they get mad and usually walk off

          It may SEEM nothing was done but the goal is to plant even a TINY SEED OF DOUBT. that’s all it takes for many ppl to have Christianity shattered. Then they can follow the path of a true, loving Christian who properly follows the bible. If they do, they should have ZERO issues with gay ppl, same send marriage, etc

      • Uncle Mark

        Doug’s wife is most likely too old to have children, so I guess having sex with a post menopausal wife is as repugnant in the eyes of Doug’s church, as is the gay sex described earlier. I imagine that “cured” Doug is much relieved that he is under no obligation to sleep with the wife, since she is no longer able to bear children. If procreation is the only reason for marriage, then surely he should oppose elderly couples marrying as well. I’m actually rather sad for this fool; he only sees sex for procreation, not as a means of expressing desire & affection, and bringing pleasure to your loving partner…perhaps because he doesn’t have any desire or affection or pleasure with his wife/beard.

  • 5moreminutes*imtired

    Hetero supremacist asshole. Go be repressed somewhere quiet…

  • Robert Pierce

    Why is it that these demented freaks never mention heteros who engage in anal sex I wonder? Why the fixation on gay men? What about hetero males using dildos on their wives, girlfriends and sometimes, vice-versa?

    • 5moreminutes*imtired

      Cause then they’d be Dan Savage. :0)

  • shellback

    IMO – The ultimate goal in marriage is a loving and caring relationship between two people, and it can happen with or without sex.

    • billbear1961

      This is wisdom.

      • JCF

        “If sex never happens, I won’t love you any less”: one of the most romantic lines I’ve ever heard on TV…and it was on a soap opera!

        [It’s in the first 30 seconds of this clip]

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KoFzZW67Lc

        “Otalia” on Guiding Light (2009). These are two “late
        in life lesbians”, hence the the whole two steps forward, one step back
        dance.

  • Michael Rush
    • JCF

      What did they do to this poor sweet Labbie to get this Most Excellent picture?! ;-p

  • Poor little Mainwaring. Always the self-loathing faggot, never the happy homosexual.

    • Gene

      that could not have been better said
      how sad, to have condensed that poor mans life to one sentence so well, and it be such a sad, sad commentary

    • Gest2016

      He is certainly longing for the days when semen mingled with his fecal matter. Bitter old queen.

    • leo77

      Nor does he seem to be particularly happy with his heterosexual lifestyle choice.

    • james_from_cambridge
  • ChrisMorley

    He’s a catholic and has succumbed again to that LGBT-loathing they teach. http://www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2015/03/14510/

  • oikos

    Down low queen is into scat.

    • Jmdintpa

      They always talk about feces… I dont understand the obsession on feces. Dont they know if your straight or gay , if your gonna get fucked , clean yourself up first. I think your on to something. There so frightened by the things there actually turned on by they run from it as hard as they can.

      • oikos

        Exactly. No gay person I know obsesses about ‘fecal matter.’

        • clay

          Well, there’s at least one, but I don’t touch him.

      • Buford

        I agree. The whole idea that others are out there having sex for fun both turns them on and pisses them off, so they want it outlawed. Contraception, sex toys, porn, gays, prostitution… it’s all gotta go so that everyone is stuck in a shitty, loveless relationship like they are.

        • canoebum

          …the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

          • oikos

            They are the modern day puritans with all of the same projection accusing others of doing what they secretly do or fantasize about.

          • canoebum

            I just found this one, too: “A man full of faith is simply one who has lost (or never had) the capacity for clear and realistic thought. He is not a mere ass; he is actually ill. Worse, he is incurable, for disappointment, being essentially an objective phenomenon, cannot permanently affect his subjective infirmity. His faith takes on the virulence of a chronic infection. What he usually says, in substance, is this: “Let us trust in God, who has always fooled us in the past.” -H.L. Menchen

          • Cuberly

            Catholicism?

  • Jmdintpa

    I think all these ex gays just were horrid horrid lovers. In there mind gay sex was has and always be disgusting so there was never anyway they could enjoy it. They lash out and destroy themselves and these poor women they marry. Is it to simple to just say its all reduced down to just how bad these motherfuckers were in bed and how ate up with guilt and self disgust with the “perverted” acts they engage in that they think now there hetero? And another thing… why do these people always talk about feces, apparently another thing they cant get right is if your going to be getting fucked, clean yourself up before hand… straight or gay !

    • I don’t feel sorry for their wives, they know what they’re getting in to, they are doing the lords work saving these poor confused men……barf.

      • Bluto

        Agreed, for the woman who know…

      • Gene

        I agree Andrea
        that said, just as there are fewer and fewer Roman Catholic priests, for there is now no need for a place to hide “I dont have sex with women because the Roman denomination demands I be celibate…THATS why I dont have a wife…yeah…thats it” (uh huh.),
        now, there are fewer and fewer women willing to “do this godly work” as there were at one time…and most women, when presented with the fact “honey..we have to talk. I, I find myself attracted to other men”, smile sadly at the end of a marriage, and it ends.

        there will be few mainwarings in the future. there are very few now.

        and only semi secretly, even now most fundys and hard core catholics think them creepy, and DON’T let their daughters date them.

      • BobSF_94117

        You should feel sorry for them. There are a lot of brainwashed, dim women out there.

        • If adults are deceived it is their own fault, unless they are handicapped.

    • Chris Baker

      Or more likely, they are somewhat asexual and have no real interest in sex. And don’t understand it, other than some biological, reproductive duty. They don’t understand sexual attraction and desire. It’s just something icky that they have to get done once in a while, and pray for the day when their wife dries up so they don’t have to do it anymore.

      • rickhfx

        They call that a thank you jeebus.

  • I feel sorry for any man who had sex with him, there are not enough showers in the world to wash away that stank!

    • Chris Baker

      How about his wife? “Oh you are ovulating today? I guess we need to have sex. Let me force myself to do my husbandly duties to you. You don’t mind if I look at this photo of Newt Gingrich will I do it, do you?”

      • BobSF_94117

        I’m pretty sure they stopped having sex a long time ago. IIRC, he lives in part of the house, she in the other. They’re “doing it for the kids”. Lucky kids…

        • Chris Baker

          Yea, how old are the kids? What happens when the kids leave? Anyway, i know too much about this guy than I want to already.

          The fact is, every human being is different, has different motivations and desires, has different sex drives, etc. So to hold up one ‘ex-gay’ and say “see, he can live that way, so you should be able to” means a complete non-understanding of humans.

        • NedFlaherty

          The former “kids” became grown, legal adults years ago, so it’s time that Daddy Mainwaring stop pretending to raise children which no longer even exist.

  • Tigernan Quinn

    So I should stop f*cking because I can’t make a baby? You first, billions of non-fertile and birth control using heterosexuals throughout history.

  • RealityBass

    “When a man and a woman make love, the miracles of conception and birth are possible.”

    I’ll take these people seriously when they start advocating that the law prohibit post-menopausal women from getting married.

    • Buford

      … or just outlaw any ejaculation that does not land inside a vagina. Done.

      • Wait. You mean… No more masturbation?
        (I am so totally screwed.)

        • Buford

          Actually, sounds like you’re the polar opposite of ‘screwed’. 😉

    • zhera

      Pretty damn sure his wife is post-menopausal. Do they still make love?

    • Steve Teeter

      Try telling a young, straight, married couple who have just found out the wife is pregnant that they can’t have any more sex until after the baby is born. She can’t get any more pregnant, after all! And isn’t that what they’re telling us sex is all about?

      • clay

        . . . and then there’s all those other non-ovulating days.

    • StraightGrandmother

      Uh no, conception is not always possible, especially when your husband has had a vasectomy. The best sex I ever had was after my husband’s vasectomy when there was no more fear of pregnancy. Pure sexual lusting after each other simply for the payoff, well nothing wrong with that. Trust me there is plenty more lustful sex going on than conception sex with straight couples.

    • clay

      and women with poly-cystic ovaries, or with androgen insensitivity, or who’ve had cervical or uterine or ovarian cancer . . .

      and let’s not forget all those homosexuals who happen to be LESBIAN . . .

      and then there’s the corollary the Dick Dynasty proposed . . . if she’s old enough to bleed . . .

    • Good Shot Green

      And what’s miraculous about making a baby? If it’s miracles we’re talking about, why can’t two men have a baby! That’s what would be a miracle!

  • Buford

    Tell us more about sex stuff, Uncle Doug… like what happens when Republican delegates and officials masturbate to kiddie porn… or what happens after GOP leaders pick up someone in an airplane bathroom… or why GOP governors wear diapers when they visit prostitutes… or what happens when a priest or pastor is able to convince a minor under his charge to do what he says….?

    • Chris Baker

      No, no, no! Every straight person only has sex with their wife, in the dark, in the missionary position, during the time of the month when the woman is fertile, for the duty and purpose of procreation. It’s only the gays who have the dirty ass sex, or oral sex, or sex with the light on, or with any sense of enjoyment!

  • Anastasia Beaverhousen

    Is Beverly Leslie going under a pseudonym?

  • Tigernan Quinn

    Yet AGAIN the constant refrain that there’s something gross about us. It’s the way we walk, our color choices, our lovers, our desire to live openly. Always something deviant and awful that’s apparently bubbling to the surface like black evil tar that will infect all of us and destroy humanity. I heard this in 1985 when I was a teenager, I heard it in 1990 when I was in a military jail for being gay, I heard it in 1995 when I finally came out. Now it’s 2016. So let me just say what you already know because this *sshole just told you that there’s something wrong with you:

    You’re perfect. Don’t ever f*cking change.

  • oikos
  • JT

    I wonder how long it’s been for this pitiful excuse for a man. He either never had it good, or it’s been so long ago that he’s confusing it with diarrhea.

  • j.martindale

    You pitiful excuse for a human being. Please go back to your closet and climb in, and lock it behind you. If this is all you can see in gay relationships, you have no business touching other people.

  • zhera

    1. Learn to clean your butt.

    2. Harlem’s #1 bigot says there will be butt babies, so there!

    3. Who are you to doubt the glorious ability of an omniscient God to create life in a butt? If man can be made from dust and woman can be made from a rib, then certainly butt babies are no problem.

    4. There are many differences between male and female. Gay people are certainly aware of those, seeing as they are not attracted to the opposite sex. Duh.

    5. You are not a gay man. You are a sodomist, in the word’s true sense.

    6. Fuck you, but not in a gay way because you don’t deserve it.

    7. It’s Sodomy Saturday! Rejoice, and refill the lube!

    • I hope Norway understands what a national treasure you are!!!

      • zhera

        lol awww you’re the sweetest! Happy Sodomy Day, Stogie!

        • David Walker

          Recently, I’ve become addicted to train trips on YouTube. The one I keep going back to is part of the ride from Bergen to Oslo. You may well know about the 7+ hour version. It’s been reduced to 6 episodes. This is my favorite because it goes from a fairly level terrain on a gorgeous autumn and the incredible climb necessary to cross the mountains. Plus, I tend to continue into part 3 just to get out of the station and back into motion. It’s hypnotizing and fascinating and gorgeous. But you already know that.
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUszQsagEMY

          • Ben in Oakland

            I did this myself last year. Lovely ride,

          • David Walker

            Jealous jealous jealous jealous jealous jealous jealous jealous

          • Schlukitz

            I enjoyed ever single minute of this 1:06:13 video.

            Thanks for sharing.

          • zhera

            I travel on that line several times per year! 🙂 It’s an amazing trip, made even more amazing when knowing that it was built in the beginning of the 1900’s, and all the tunnels are through some really hard rock. Many people died while building that rail-line.

            You’ve probably seen videos of Flåmsbanen? The climb there is AMAZING. It’s a huge tourist trap.
            https://youtu.be/TFqYZJWVTto

          • David Walker

            Thank you so much. It’s on tonight’s list of travel spots. I really like it when Hubs is not watching TV and I can plug the computer into it. But I have a pretty good monitor. It IS a TV, just not a biggy. (I grew up in Lancaster County, PA, home of the Amish, so I’m well-acquainted with tourist traps. There are times I wish “tourist season” meant the same things as “deer season” or “turkey season.”)

    • RNegron

      In the immortal words of Dan Savage, paraphasing. “To god noting is impossible, so I will continue to inseminate my husband and hope for the best”.

      • Robincho

        If there can be an intersection of Immaculate and Conception, I’d say that folks who hang out on the corner of Santorum and Brownback have got a fighting chance…

        • Harley

          “Immaculate conception” is actually an old Hebrew term meaning “Lying Jewish Teenager”.

          • GC

            To be nitpicky, that’s the “virgin birth”.
            “Immaculate conception” is bad enough: “We believe that everyone is born guilty because 6000 years ago a rib-woman listened to a talking snake and ate a magic apple, but we’ll make a special exception for Mary. (And for her son. And for John the Baptist. But that’s it, no more.)”

          • wmforr

            It was quite common in ancient Greece for an unmarried pregnant woman to claim… “Uh, Zeus raped me!”

          • Robincho

            Like Dorothy Parker, I keep getting that phrase confused with “spontaneous combustion”…

    • bkmn

      Ramen.

  • bryan

    He’s right about it being a ‘glorious result’. Gay sex is glorious. He just needs to get over his hang-ups about the human body and his self hatred.

  • Bill_Perdue

    This little piggie is so fucked up he could have signed DOMA.

  • 1) uh, ok…maybe in my early teens (12-13) i was practicing…but now that i’m in my late 30s, i think i’ve pretty much mastered homosexuality.
    2) sigh…(and why can’t these idiots understand this..) not all gay men enjoy, or have to have anal sex.
    3) make love? uh, sometimes the people (of whatever orientation) just want to have fun and get off.
    (there’s more, but work calls.)

    • Christopher

      Butt work? What’s its ringtone?

    • clay

      2) true, often the glorious result is a glued mustache, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  • Greg B.

    A women can get pregnant from anal sex?

    • Dreaming Vertebrate

      Indeed. It’s the only way to have a big, beautiful, bouncing butt-baby.
      Citation: Atlah.org

    • It’s how they make Republicans…

      • clay

        muddy kitties

    • zhera

      Yup. God has finally decided to close The Loophole.

      • Reality.Bites

        Thanks zhera. From now on whenever I hear someone say loophole I’m going to be picturing heterosexual buttsecks.

  • Yalma Cuder-Zicci

    “I no longer practice homosexuality”

    Because of all the fecal matter?! Would he still be a practicing homosexual if he practiced good hygiene?

    • CottonBlimp

      I suspect what he really means is no one will fuck him.

  • Bluto

    Speak for yourself, fuckwad. Ima makin’ butt babies.

  • CanuckDon

    When a man and a woman make love, the miracles of conception and birth are possible. When two men attempt the same, the most glorious result possible is an anal discharge of semen mixed with fecal matter.
    There’s something pretty insidious occurring when some tormented, guilt-ridden halfwit can still get up in front of a group and convince them all that when they get naked with someone, it’s in the name of procreation.

  • Did anyone follow the link and check out the cartoon he sketched? It’s about bathroom breaks…

  • olandp

    I don’t think he was doing it right.

    • billbear1961

      🙂

  • Heterosexual sex involves putting a penis inside a mucous-lined cavity from which blood is sometimes discharged.

    See? You can make even “glorious” heterosexual sex sound gross.

    • well….if i wasn’t fully gay before reading your comment, i’d definitely be now.
      thanks..

    • bryan

      Kissing could sound gross as well, all that saliva and germs… Mainwairing just hates his body and himself.

      • These folks have a strange reductionist attitude towards gay sex. When it comes to straight sex, it’s all music and lights and angels singing. Gay sex is described in the most clinical terms possible.

        I’m not quite sure what to make of it.

        • clay

          Particularly the angels– he’s possessed by the Catholic circular theology of copulation.

      • Rolf

        Exactly. When examined clinically, the human body is covered in bacteria, all our moist openings are teaming with all kinds of disgusting critters, discharges, dead cells, and waste matter, and that sexy six pack is hiding a belly full of shit.
        Water, soap, toothbrush and douche transform sewage ducts into the gates of heaven.

    • Mark

      blood and urine

      • Cherry

        Urine is not discharged thru the vagina. Women have a urethral opening that is located somewhere between the vagina and the clitoris.

        • BobSF_94117

          Oh, so it’s like miles away?

          • Rolf

            No, they are very close, but most healthy men and women don’t piss while they are fucking, unless they want to.
            Besides hon, we guys piss and cum out of the same hole. Is that a problem?

          • BobSF_94117

            Not a problem for me, but I’m not Mr. Doug Mainwaring, who appears to have a problem with the messiness of sex.

          • ohbear1957

            Is that near Uranus?

    • Chris Baker

      So sometimes when there is straight sex, the only result is semen, mucous and perhaps some blood? Ick. When you make it sound like that…

      Doug must have a very sad marriage if his only view of sex is procreation. I suppose, from his views, that he only has sex with his wife during the time of the month when she is fertile, otherwise, what’s the point? And once she dries up at menopause, then the sex ends? I actually feel worse for his wife, who is basically being kept because she has reproductive value, not out out any sense of love or sexual desire. No, actually, I just feel like she must be some poor. pathetic sap who doesn’t have the self-esteem to find a new mate who is sexually attracted to her and view her more than a vehicle for carrying babies.

      But in all seriousness, not every act of intercourse can result in conception. Perhaps the woman is already pregnant. Perhaps the woman or man is sterile. Perhaps they are past the age of reproduction. So perhaps there are other reasons for sex besides reproduction? Perhaps there is a bonding, a meeting of mutual sexual desires, a sexual attraction to each other?

      (and there are many gays, like myself, who don’t even really care for anal sex.)

      Eating is a way for the body to get nutrition and energy, but we don’t just eat for nourishment. We eat for pleasure too. Cake has very little nutritional value, but we eat it out of pleasure.

      • Rolf

        1. There are already about twice as many humans on this planet as it can healthily sustain, so the days of ‘be fruitful and multiply’ are long gone.
        2. There are far more straight couples having anal sex than gay, Far, far more.
        3. Someone obviously never learned to douche. Ick.
        4. When you compare being gay to being an alcoholic, all you are really saying is you crave dick every single day, often many times a day. Just like a straight man craves pussy. In other words, you are just a sexually frustrated, repressed scold. And probably filled with envy.

        • GC

          Even for people who take biblical prescriptions as authority, the full command is “be fruitful and multiply, fill the earth and subdue it.” As you pointed out, with the planet groaning under seven billion people and counting, been there, done that.

          • wmforr

            The translation I am used to is “replenish it”, which doesn’t actually mean “fill it to the breaking point.” Nor does replenishing the earth equate to filling the oceans with garbage and the atmosphere with poisonous gases.

      • marshlc

        Yeah, reading that secnd paragraph, all I could think was “OMG, honey, get some self respect and toss this jerk. You know he has to steel himself to pretend to be attracted to you”

        • Steverino

          Indeed, it’s one thing being a woman who ended up being married (unsuspectingly) to a closeted gay man, as was common years ago (and still is, in some cultures) among gay men trying to be “straight,” but it is something else entirely for a woman to willingly be married to a man openly posing as “ex-gay.” You really have to wonder about the psychological / emotional state of such a woman. We already know about the psychological / emotional state of such a man in this kind of “marriage.”

          • wmforr

            A perfect partner for a woman who doesn’t actually want to have sex.

      • wmforr

        I get the impression that he doesn’t actually enjoy the sex he brags about having with his wife. He only does it because God told him he has to.

    • Rolf

      Er, that would be regularly (for about 5 days in every 30), not ‘sometimes’.

      • Hey, I’m gay. I don’t know anything about them lady parts!

        • Rolf

          Well, I’m a Kinsey 6, but considering I popped out of one and half of all the people I meet have them, I think it’s important to know about those bits and pieces ; )

        • BudClark

          I saw a vagina once (the day I was born);
          I screamed.

    • lattebud

      And the glorious miracle of birth is a not so pretty. Lots of gunk and stuff is expelled.

      • wineflask

        Shit is expelled, too. Vaginally born babies are (in average) healthier than those coming out via c-section because they get shat on in the process, this way their bowels get colonized by good bacteria.

        • wmforr

          The first thing a new-born elephant does is eat his mother’s shit. Without it, he has no immunities.

    • Gerry Fisher

      I’m no longer a big fan of the man who said this, but…! When asked if he thought sex was dirty, [name redacted] replied, “Only if done right.” Sex is fun and a helpful, healthy part of humanity in many ways. But, after both people “get their cookie,” you can look around you both and see that there’s a gross side to it, too. 🙂 The yin with the yang.

    • RaygunsGoZap

      …a mucous-lined cavity that routinely sloughs its inner lining in a days long discharge – a hormone rich soup of blood and tissue.

      • rickhfx

        I am going to barf.

    • rickhfx

      Don’t women have anal to? 😉

      • JCF

        Rarely willingly…with a man, anyway!

    • JCF

      A flacid lump, or vein-y shaft of flesh, emitting unwanted and/or toxic fluids…into the Glorious (and gloriously aromatic) Self-Lubricating Vag? Say it ain’t so! }-X

  • Tlón, Uqbar, Orbus Tertius

    Paraphrasing: “Mirrors and (heterosexual) copulation are abominations, since they both multiply the numbers of men.”
    -Jorge Luís Borges

    At least that anal discharge doesn’t require 18 years of financial support.

    Buttsex is economical, environmentally friendly, and sustainable!

    • Choosy Muhthuh

      Not to mention 9 months of figure-ruining and potentially life-threatening incubation!

  • Porkie

    “When a man and a woman make love, the miracles of conception and birth are possible.”……..Ditto, when I whack off on to a petri dish ……Does he want protected status for turkey basters? ….Just asking.

    • Reality.Bites

      Would that mean that every Mother’s Day the President has to officially pardon a turkey blaster?

  • Did anyone else laugh loudly at Joe’s paragraph break about the 2000 words anti Gay blah blah?

  • canoebum

    Is sex the only thing that makes a relationship, an identity, a life? What a blind fool!

  • GayOldLady

    He’s just so pissed off that his religion makes him feel guilty and stifled in his sexual life and sexual expression that he’s made a career out of trying to make others feel guilty and stifled. Give it up brother, you’re the blind man cursing the sun. You’re the deaf man, cursing the song bird. Be miserable, but stop trying to talk others into being miserable with you.

  • dafs

    Just because you were dumb enough to have sex immediately after eating Taco Bell, don’t take it out on everyone else.

  • RNegron

    The rod in that man’s butt must have a rod up it’s butt.

  • Mark Neé Fuzz

    Two words. Get help.

  • PickyPecker
    • zhera

      Oh Gaaaawwwwd, he never stops! Please, make him stop!

      • If only he had an ice pick. SIGH.

        • Steverino

          Or a wooden stake.

  • D. J.

    Self loathing idiot wasn’t doing it right. Quelle surprise….

  • JT

    I no longer practice homosexuality

    Practice makes perfect. You definitely didn’t practice enough even to be good. I’m sure the woman you’re making miserable knows all about it.

  • Cuberly

    “.. but I am well aware of my human frailty and maintain a healthy respect for the power of the flesh and the lure of the world.”

    So he still pops a woody when watching a Brad Pitt flick? He dreams of having poop sex with any number of hotties he sees strolling by?

    Ya hear that Mrs Manwarring? Doug is so thankful you settled for someone with someone else on his mind ALL the time.

    • zhera

      Only way for her to get some is to put on the Magic Mike XXL movie and hide her bosom.

      • Cuberly

        “Honey can I take the bag off now?”

        It’s so sad…

      • clay

        What was that movie where one of the Baldwin Brothers played a guy just out of prison, who needed the prostitute to roll face down so he could get hard?

        • zhera

          I have no idea.

        • Reality.Bites

          More importantly, which Baldwin?

          https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OW5cEoWUUqE

          (Sadly I couldn’t find this clip with the vocal track intact)

        • Good Shot Green

          Miami Blues maybe? Haven’t seen it in ages.

      • Good Shot Green

        Good on you for picking the sequel. Tons more fun.

    • NedFlaherty

      “Human frailty” and “power of the flesh” and “lure of the world” are religious superstitions employed by the Vatican in its campaign to create a Roman Catholic theocracy worldwide.

      Doug Mainwaring is a perfect example of how persuasive such fears still are for those who remain subservient to Stone Age religious sects.

  • AtticusP

    Oh, Dougie…

  • D. J.

    That utterance from someone who believes in virgin birth?

    • bzrd

      and if virgin birth no need for sex

  • Sporkfighter

    There’s a lot of hetero-oral-non-baby-making-sex going on in the world.

    • SoCalGal20

      And apparently a lot of hetero-anal-non-baby-making going on too, but the fundies don’t want to talk about that.

    • Schlukitz

      And thank goodness for that.

      Can you even imagine how many more people there would be on this planet and the added suffering that this would produce if everyone’s sexual intent was for baby-making?

  • Ernest Endevor

    I no longer practice homosexuality, and am happily restored to marriage with my wife, Nigel.

    See, if you practiced more you’d get better at it.

  • bkmn

    That’s a little too much holier than thou.

  • RickCabral

    Of the infinite variety of affectional expression available, all he ever got was a duck up the ass. What he needed was a good lover to show him what there is. Now it’s easy everybody else’s fault?

    • RickCabral

      That’s supposed to be dick up the ass.

      • Joseph Miceli

        The other way was funnier!

        • William

          Sheriff Joe will arrest him for that.

  • Joseph Miceli

    I mean…where to start? Really there’s just no point. This man is functionally insane. His “points” could be refuted one by one and by a high school debate team, yet he’d never budge because of his “belief.”
    Sorry, wackadoodle, I feel bad that your family and church preyed upon your weak mind and drove you insane, but I don’t let crazy people write laws for me or tell me how to live if I can help it.
    Shoo!

  • Tallahassee

    Once again, lesbians do not exist.

    • clay

      For him, I doubt women exist beyond Mary and Martha.

    • billbear1961

      You noticed that, too?

  • Sam_Handwich
    • Christopher

      😉

    • Oh’behr

      As is the foreskin, yet mine was taken away, so I’ll never know from personal experience.

  • Skokieguy [Larry]

    OMG, I could vomit. Not because of the nasty picture you are trying to paint, but because you are such a vile human. So you cheated on your wife, faced no legal repercussions and you want to use the force of law to make others suffer in ways you didn’t?

    And do tell me what the Oval Office and Supreme Court should do with all those vile and nasty straight people past menopause who continue to have sex. I suppose you want to recriminate oral sex and anal sex among heterosexuals?

    There are very few (and by that I mean zero) opponents of LGBT equality that I think could pass a psych evaluation.

  • Obviously Mainwaring likes his sex bareback since his GLORIOUS RESULT is a mix of cum and shit ( HEY – learn to douch first). If he practiced safer sex he’d have called his GLORIOUS RESULT Santorum which we all know is a frothy mix of lube and fecal matter.

    • olandp

      I’ve always thought the frothy mix of lube, fecal matter, and cum should be called ricksantorum.

  • Gest2016

    I’ve never understood the link between being disgusted by gay sex, and wanting gays not to have employment, civil rights or relationship security. It’s simply gay bashing, and at its heart, inevitably, is the wish that gays be dead.

    • Schlukitz

      There is no link, Gest2016.

      Hypocrites like Doug Mainwaring are appealing to people who project their own disgusting views about about gay sex as a means to punish others for the very same feelings and desires that they cannot accept in themselves.

    • grada3784

      It’s a matter of visibility. If Christians™ don’t see us, we must not exist. Same sort of deal as with the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Trall.

  • Cuberly

    Teacher: “So, what does your dad do for a living.”
    Suzie Manwarring: “(sigh) He travels the country lecturing about the evils of homosexuality…and telling people he REALLY wants cock, but he can’t have cock because of my mom.”
    Teacher: “Oh.”

  • William

    Sometimes sex results in semen spattered in one’s beard. It can be a pain to wash out once it has dried, so I’ve heard.

    • Reality.Bites

      That could make a cute little rhyme if beard and heard actually rhymed like the spelling would lead you to believe.

      I recently read about how screwed up it is that “tear” and “tier” rhyme, but “tear” and “tear” don’t.

  • billbear1961

    Yes, yes, yes, heterosexuals make LOVE and reproduce blessed by the glory of GOD. Gay people just FUCK.

    Go to HELL, you pathetic piece of SHIT: anyone who can reduce what two people in LOVE do in bed to ONE act they MAY engage in (and the one you choose to obsess over does NOT occur in GAY bedrooms any more often than it does in STRAIGHT ones) doesn’t know what love MEANS.

    People who DO know what love is don’t feel obliged to SHIT on the love OTHERS feel for one another.

    And, of course, if you’re attracted to MEN, it’s a dreadful ADDICTION–but the same feelings for women?? Oh . . . Glory HALLELUJAH!!

    JACKASS.

    You don’t “practice” homosexuality, anymore?

    GOOD!

    Keep your CONTEMPT for men to yourself, HYPOCRITE, instead of contaminating other men with it, those who might be FOOLISH enough to offer you sex and/or love!!

    “I love my wife, my soul mate, the mother of my children, and am dedicated to our life and our future together, til’ death do us part.”

    Does your WIFE have a say in this?

    Let us know when you file for divorce, or when SHE does.

    For now, you can go back to spewing fecal matter–from your MOUTH.

    EDIT: It isn’t just the “elites” in this country who have come to understand that LOVE is LOVE.

  • Richard Rush

    So, Doug’s demand is that, if a loving devoted relationship between two men happens to occasionally produce “an anal discharge of semen mixed with fecal matter”, then their relationship must be denied the legal recognition and benefits that he receives as a homosexual man married to a woman.

    And, his talking about people being “. . . incapable of discerning a difference between male and female and the significance of complementarity is laughable while he’s a homosexual man married to a woman. There is far more complementarity in a relationship between two gay men than there can possibly be between a homosexual and a heterosexual.

  • Raising_Rlyeh

    “When two men attempt the same, the most glorious result possible is an anal discharge of semen mixed with fecal matter.”

    You would think this huge douchebag would know how to clean out an ass.

  • CB

    Just another in the increasing numbers who will say anything to get attention. My hetero friends tell me that they do engage in anal sex and that things can get pretty sloppy. This is all part of the false equivalency game that passes for discourse among media whores. Go away, sir, before someone drops some discharge on you.

  • Kissmagrits

    Mainwaring conveniently ignores the historical fact that anal sex was common with women throughout history. It was the primary method of birth control when “pulling out” proved unreliable and what was daddy to do when he got horny?

  • TallBearNC

    1) first off this man doesn’t even mention what happens with heterosexual sex with a woman on her period. Chances are it would be a mixture of semen and blood and other particulates discharge during the end of the menstrual cycle

    2) MARRIAGE doesn’t = procreation!!!! These assholes really need to get the proper equation through their head. Marriage CAN lead to procreation but is not necessary for procreation to happen

    Humans have been having children for tens of thousands of years with out the institution of marriage. Before marriage was invented, humans just screwed each other …. And that’s actually true to this day. You do not need marriage to make a child – all you need is a man and a woman to screw each other, and there’s a chance in a baby will be born ( or a single woman can go to a sperm bank and get fertilized and raise a child on her own )…..Now lets add a little more technology and some surrogacy… With that, two women, or two men can have a child … (By use of surrogacy, egg donor or sperm donar)….ppl can even adopt children at birth, orphanage, or adopt from foster care

    All of the above can happen without marriage at all, or a can happen with marriage – but marriage is not a requirement

    3) Take Technology even further and now it is possible for two gay men to have a child that shares both men’s DNA equally.. It’s in its early stages but it’s already been done …any gay male couple concurrently have this done if they’re willing to shell out some big bucks and willing to leave the USA to have it done.. I’m not saying permanently, The long enough to go to a country that performs this procedure along with your surrogate, and return to the United States – your baby is then born and both men are the genetic parents of the child…and in this case there is no biological mother – you have two ‘biological father’s

    (this is by taking out the DNA material in a female egg and replacing it with the genetic material from a male sperm…. The couple can choose an X or Y sperm resulting in a girl or a boy child)…unFortunately this process is not work for two women yet because when they try to put the DNA of an egg into a sperm, it just doesn’t work – but they are hopeful it will in the next 1 to 2 decades.

    4) Lastly, and this really shouldn’t matter at all, not all gay male couples have anal intercourse…that is a really massive stereotype… I’m sure a good number of our community does engage in that, but so do straight ppl..I think I read a pole once that approximately half of every heterosexual relationship involves the male perfirming anal sex on the female, or even the female putting a strap on and penetrating the male (it’s funny how they want to put all the “blame” for this type of “act”on our community when they do it just almost as much as we do…(sarcasm on) oh wait.. Since they can have children, naturally, then whatever sexual acts they perform is OK or forgiven..(sarcasm off)

    I dated many people throughout my life who did not enjoy the act of male to male intercourse, and while other gay people thought this is a boring sex life, there are quite many other fun things you can do. In fact 75% of the men that I dated did not want to engage in that act, and if they did, I was only after we monogamously committed to each other and were HIV tested regularly… This would be 1989-1996 for me. 1996-2002=husband #1… We didn’t even attempt it for the first four years of our relationship, because he wanted nothing to do with it. Once he did try it, he couldn’t get enough … Unfortunately, for me, couldn’t get enough meant that he couldn’t keep it in his pants, and our relationship ended because he wanted to screw everything in sight – and that was not our agreement.

    Be honest, that the reason why probably me and other people in the 90s, that I was aware of, did not engage in anal intercourse was mostly due to the HIV/AIDS scare. After you bury and go to I half dozen to a dozen funerals for friends, and makes a person wonder “is this even worth it” ( since HIV is transmitted 99% of the time during intercourse ). Nowadays, between condoms and PR EP, the chances are much lower of contracting HIV. if prep were avail in the 90s…it would’ve been far fewer deaths, and people would probably have not been afraid of this act is much. No I didn’t live in some isolated hicktown, I lived in San Francisco California (Daly City/Atherton/Portola Valley), New York, and Sacramento California – and Charlotte North Carolina starting in 2006

    My current husband and I , of 13 years Have never had ” same sex intercourse” ( take that back – we have attempted it twice and decide it is not for us ). He has 0 desire to top and bottom. If have 0 desire to bottom…. So, I’d normally b a top, but that something that is never really been important to me either – it’s not something I have to have – and believe me we have a very healthy sex life .. IMO when you have two loving people coming together to “make love”, there are no definitions of rules as to what that couple should or should not be doing – as long as they are not breaking the law ( not counting sodomy laws – which is any position outside the hetero missionary position ) or hurting anybody else.”, why do ppl fricken care? Why are they so obsessed with any form of homosexual sex – be it between two men or two women?

    I alMost want to say, if you’re so damn curious, why don’t you go out and try it for yourself.. But that would sound just like those straight people that say “oh you just need to sleep with a woman and I will fix everything for you ” (never works)

    • Steve Teeter

      “Be honest, that the reason why probably me and other people in the 90s,
      that I was aware of, did not engage in anal intercourse was mostly due
      to the HIV/AIDS scare.”

      Fairly early on in the AIDS scare my partner and I gave up anal sex. Not because we were afraid; we were totally monogamous. But knowing that this was how guys got the damn bug totally de-eroticized anal sex for me. I couldn’t even watch anal sex in porn, as it totally failed to turn me on. And that was it for us, since I was the bottom in our pair. And as you know, if the bottom can’t enjoy it, it isn’t really going to work.

      • TallBearNC

        Yep. I can’t watch gay porn anal sex scenes to this day they gross me out I watch kissing, touching , oral…and the finale.

        And u r right. As a top, I can’t top if the bottom isn’t into it. I am pleaser top. I don’t want to be serviced (well on some occasions lol..but rare)..I want to please. I care FAR more of my partners enjoy,met than of mine

        Since I gave up anal sex, I had to find a way to plead another guy. Ironically I prefer being with another top due to the energy. But what to do to keep him happy: EDGING. I was a master at it by 25. I God like at 45.

        Make a guy feel 20X better than topping/bottoming and they won’t care. And the finale makes most guys yell, scream and “hit something up to 6 ft away” lol…I’ve had a few pass out from overload after 30min-60mim of buildup and BEGGING ME (that’s where I get pleasure – CONTROL….IM in absolute control what they feel how much and when..the begging has been known me pop just from it. But to see a guy begging…arch his back…yell..and pass out = HOT. most won’t care about intercourse

        This DOESNT work on power bottoms as they REQUIRE intercourse or something up there. And it won’t last on power tops as they like it at first but not the loss of control.

        I was afraid but yes I knew how the damn bug was transmitted so I also CHOSE to avoid intercourse. And yes I was dumped many times for my refusal to do it. Plus topping is hard on back and hip muscles lol.

        But this story goes way back to 1989…

        I was 18. Fell madly in love with Patrick. He was 24 full blown AIDS. T-cell count of 250. He had the same feelings for me. He was the first man I really fell for. But he refused to date me or have ANY sexual contact with me – no matter how safe. He said he could never live with himself , in this life , or the next if he gave it to me…6 months later he died..BUT 30min b4 he died, he asked to talk to me. He made me SWEAR ON HIS DEATHBED/GRAVE;

        1) I’d never get hiv
        2) always practice safe sex – even if monogamous as 85% of human males cheat at some point.
        3) if I could b strong enough to NEVER BOTTOM (pure topping lowers risk but not to true, safe levels)
        4) if I could find a was to not have intercourse and teach other gay men alternatives to it

        … He was about to finish 5 when he died…

        5) I love you…don’t…let peer pressure…community..get you…find a man who will …. (He exhaled and gone) I think he meant find a man who will be ok with what I’ve told you, keep him, marry him for life.

        IMAGINE THAT IMPACT ON AN 18 yr old. Lol. It wasn’t just fear and knowing how it transmitted. But his words were seared into my brain for life. I’ll never forget them, nor his last moments.

        Many gay ppl think I’m unrealistic, have a boring sex life, .. They r wrong. Most don’t even want to try…but it’s not my business to tell ppl what to do. All I can do is tell my story. And they take , if any, what they want and maybe act on it

        Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying gay men should stop anal sex! I’m saying BE CAREFUL. if seen “monogamous” could both get it…usually the bottom , verse, or top/verse cheats and gives it to the other. He why I liked dating top only men and showing them ways that feel better than intercourse. At least if they cheated , it’d b topping…less risk,and with no intercourse, extreme low chance I’d get it. But I ended up with a man with interest in neither..and cheating isn’t in his nature. But to b safe we have the permission rule. We are mostly monogamous. But if one wants someone so bad, they can ask permission , if the other OKs it,my hey can have fun with limits…and it’s always in our house and our bed so the other can always enter if they feel the other is breaking the rules

        Guess what? In 13 yrs he only asked once…me…well..about once a year. Only b.c my drive-5X/day. His=1-2X/month. Or he allows me to have an ongoing FWBs..but the friend can’t do anyone but me or the FWBs is gone. Gives a friend something and someone safe to do until a love interest comes. Then it ends and we end up closer friends. Rarely, but it happens, the friend falls for me, if me or my husband get a HINT that’s starting..it’s done. Our rules with others are so strict many won’t bother..kissing,,touching ,,jo (and edging) only. NOTHING ELSE. That is about a %0.000000000000000000001 chance of getting hiv..an open cut on a hand would do it..but nothing would happen

        That’s how we avoid hiv while letting our male human nature out now and then.

        13.25 yrs. we must be doing something right. ….100% open communication..no secrets…we use the same passwords, phone lock codes…we can read each other’s emails, texts..anything at anythime. Part of our vows. Guess what? We never do. No need. But with that much trust – no resentment build up..

        We still argue and fight now and then, but we eventually compromise or one admits they r wrong.

        Ironically I make %99.999999999 of our income. 5-20M/year (depending on the price of oil, nat gas, and coal). Mostly oil. But it’s 1/2 his..joint bank accounts and I put his name on all the income ownership 2 yrs ago ..so technically it’s 50/50. But I Always, from day1, treated him as everything is OURS..not kidding with the income which I inherited Circa 2005…I’m probably one of the most liberal , wealthiest gay man in the USA. And you’d never know it. We live in a 300,000$ house and drive a $35,000 Santa Fe. Tons of $ goes into us having the best pc rigs and gaming consoles $ can buy and we travel a LOT. the rest goes into mutual funds…as this income WILL CEASE by the time I’m 80…or maybe 40 yrs after. As the wells dry up. But with the 2015/16 political bullshit , I’m dumping TONS of $ to stop trump and help Hillary. I did back sanders, but then he got petty , jealous, paranoid (accused DNc of rigging elections so he couldn’t win), and making trump like liberal supports who won’t vote at all if Hillary wins…ill put 100M$ towards Hillary to get her elected.

        And yes, I donate TONS to hiv research and many other LGBT groups. I do NOT cater to what I call ” non true transgenders” non binary, no gender, 3rd gender, or make one day/week/or month then cycles of flip flop. U CAN NOT b trans because those identities can not be transitioned into – not possible. I support basic right for everyone. But bathroom right to use the one opposite to your sex, I believe should b for TRUE transgenders and transsexuals Iwho have had full SRS). If a female hadn’t even started hormones , she has no business in a make bathroom and vice versa. If they r on hormones, then I support bathroom rights … That eliminates all these other gender identities. ONE DAY I hope we can help them by having a neutral bathroom WHEREVER a male/female exists.

        I’m not saying we found the perfect way or we should b emulated. We found the way FOR US. AND ITS HARD, CONSTANT work..but so worth it in the end.

        • Steve Teeter

          Quite a story, man. Thank you.

          • TallBearNC

            I didn’t mean to be so long. it’s sort of got away from me

            However, I wanted to let other gay people know that they are not freaks for not doing anal intercourse be it Hiv prevention, simple dislike, or other reasons.

            I think if they came out with a 100% full for HIV, then my husband would be more receptive to being a bottom, and I would be able to resume topping – but like I said neither are a big priority to either one of us …

            And it’s not like I’m massively hung…so that is not why he has a lack of interest. I’m above avg. however thank god I am not versatile and thank god he is not a top or versatile because he is – and I’m talking massive … I’m 6’5″ tall and Hed split me in a half

  • BobSF_94117

    I love my wife, my soul mate, the mother of my children, and am
    dedicated to our life and our future together, til’ death do us part. She lives on her side of the house; I live on mine.

  • 2patricius2

    Doug: “I’m still here! I still hate myself and actual gay people who like themselves! Pay attention to me!”

  • billbear1961
  • Admit it, Doug, you’re the one who shits during anal, and it’s always an ‘accident’.

  • tomfromthenews

    “…an anal discharge of semen mixed with fecal matter.”
    Douche. Learn it, do it.

    • OSG

      Eating well helps. 😉

  • edrex

    has he ever witnessed a woman give birth to one of God’s little miracles? let’s just say that semen is abt the only body fluid that ISNT present.

  • marshlc

    I’m a straight woman, mother of two children concieved in love with my husband. And y’know what? The vast majority of the sex I’ve had in my life has been had while very seriously trying to avoid the miracle of conception. While conception is indeed one of the great things about some sex – without it none of us would be here – it’s not the only great thing. Both straight and gay people spend much of their lives having sex that expresses love, that strengthens intimacy, and that is just for fun, too. Straight sex is not that sacred …. most of it is had for the exact same reasons as gay sex. I don’t need to feel like the sex I have is better than gay people’s, in order to feel good about it.

  • SFBruce

    I understand the “significance of complementarity;” I’m also smart enough to know there are many, many ways in which two human beings might complement each other.

  • Gerry Fisher

    Exactly! With het sex, there’s never any blood, pain, wet spots, cramps, quiffing, or anal sex. It’s all rainbows and unicorns with the hets, because a conception is often possible.

  • The Sentinel

    I don’t practice homosexuality. I’ve perfected it.

  • grada3784

    When two men attempt the same, the most glorious result possible is an anal discharge of semen mixed with fecal matter.

    Just add some lube and, PRESTO!!!, you’ll have a Republican politician.

  • DESPERATE TO DEMORALIZE THAT PART OF HIS LIFE.

  • MBear

    conception is not a ‘miracle’ – we’ve pretty much figured out how it happens – it’s a biological function.

    However, this whole “I’m better than other faggots cuz I gots me a wife” isn’t natural.

    • GC

      Oh, yes, bible reading and church weddings are unnatural. Show me another species that does them.

      • MBear

        Well, aardvarks actually have a rich and diverse religious & spiritual history with intricate creation stories, parables highlighting morality and ritual practices, and a very interesting weekly worship service. But yeah – they don’t have weddings.

        • GC

          Totally off-topic: a drinking song to the tune of the Blue Danube waltz:
          “It starts with an A (aardvark, aardvark)
          And ends with a K (aardvark, aardvark)
          Not easy to say (aardvark, aardvark)
          But try anyway (aardvark, aardvark)
          Eats ants all the day (aardvark, aardvark)
          At work and at play (aardvark, aardvark)
          A-A-R-D-V— A-R-K,
          Oh, aardvark, aardvark, aardvark!”

          (If you can spell “aardvark” correctly, you “haven’t had enough to drink.”)

          • MBear

            if not one else appreciates this hijack, rest assured: you freakin made my day! Thank you!

  • Bj Lincoln

    There are plenty of people of ALL orientations who engage in anal sex and gay men do not have it as much as you think. Sex is not just for procreation. A large % of people having sex can’t or try not to procreate. We all mostly do it to show love, pleasure your partner/ spouse and maintain the intimacy of our relationships. It relieves stress and tension as well as good exercise plus it’s FUN! This man has convinced himself to look on gay male sex as a bad/wrong thing in order to adopt his fake persona of a str8 man ‘happily married’. IF he is really gay, he may learn to enjoy str8 sex like one learns to enjoy bad pizza because that’s all there is. It does NOT mean he is happy. Being gay is SO MUCH MORE THAN SEX! I would still be gay even if I never had sex again.

    • Johnny Wyeknot

      Which seems to have happened to me …

    • GC

      As Al Vernacchio points out, joyful, healthy sex is a lot like good pizza!
      Almost everyone enjoys pizza, with quite varied appetites and desires — twice a day? once a year? cheeseless tomato pie? broccoli? anchovies? (Them’s fightin’ words, for some! 🙂 There’s no “One Right Way” to eat pizza, and no one right number of people to eat pizza with. When people eat pizza together they talk about what toppings they all enjoy. Nobody hassles guys for walking past a pizza shop when they’re not hungry. And nobody consigns you to hell if you happen to like pineapple, spam, and M&Ms on your pizza!

      “To Slide or to Slice? Finding a Positive Sexual Metaphor” (Carly Dreyfus)
      http://www.scarleteen.com/article/in_your_own_words/to_slide_or_to_slice_finding_a_positive_sexual_metaphor

      (Good reading for people of any age and sexuality!)

      • Adam King

        Anchovies! I’ll take your share.

        • GC

          You’re more than welcome to ’em!

  • Jean-Marc in Canada

    Just……go……away.

  • romanhans

    So we’re judging stuff by how disgusting it looks? God must REALLY hate childbirth, then, because it makes the movie Alien look like eating cheese.

  • Santorum ?

  • Lawerence Collins

    I guess he never bothered to douche!😱😱😱
    Typical GOP thug.

  • j.martindale

    https://img.fireden.net/vg/image/1439/57/1439576094818.jpg

    Just because all your relationships are an abject failure doesn’t mean everyone else’s are.

  • Stephen Elliot Phillips

    Yet when water and rock have sex its called fracking!
    And fracking just aint the same as fucking.

    • McSwagg

      But both can result in feeling the earth move.

  • Ninja0980

    Bottom line, any sex that doesn’t lead to producing a baby is disgusting and evil in their eyes.

    • Craig Howell

      Standard Baltimore Catechism Bullshit.

  • Brian in Valdosta

    I think that Lifetime Channel should make the Wednesday afternoon movie about this man’s life, and they should cast Leslie Jordan to play him.

    I soooooo want Leslie Jordan to play this man in a film. I can hear it now …

  • nocadrummer

    Then there’s the heterosexual Bible Loophole…
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8ZF_R_j0OY

    • GC

      “It’s the sex that God can’t see!”

      Then again, if there’s an all-knowing god that can’t stand it when two men have sex, that fact could be used as “leverage” against him!
      NSFW: http://oglaf.com/leverage/ “O god who so despises anal, show yourself or I shall slide my dick into this man.” (Make sure to look at the Next Page once you’re there.)

  • OSG

    Brainwashed.

    • BudClark

      Doesn’t SOUND like he washes much of ANYTHING!

  • Wynter Marie Starr

    Actually, when two people have sex, the end result is an orgasm. Not all straight couples indulge for the purposes of procreation and those that are unable to procreate still indulge. Straight people indulge in anal sex and there are gay couples who don’t.

    This is why sex ed is needed. Even for old, stupid people.

    • Tor

      And it doesn’t always end in orgasm. Oops, did I just say that out loud?

      • Wynter Marie Starr

        Well, that’s very true, but it’s the end goal. I was being very basic. Sex isn’t always about procreation or even orgasm. Sometimes it’s about bonding, feeling close, or stress relief.

      • Adam King

        “Ow ow! Take it out!”

  • abqdan

    Self-loathing CAN be cured. He needs to go to reparative therapy …

  • askDominick

    This guy had a moment in the spotlight as the gay opponent of marriage equality. Now he’s totally irrelevant. That’s why he’s flaming the gay press with extremist language. #girlbye

  • MikeBx2

    The paragraph after the 2000 words of blah blah reads like what someone says to his “wife” when he occasionally comes home with fecal matter on him.

  • Philly Mike

    Why do these POO POO heads always assume every gay man participates in anal sex, oh I know it is what THEY REALLY WANT>

    • Adam King

      They watch lots and lots of gay porn.

  • Tor

    “When two men attempt the same, the most glorious result possible is an anal discharge of semen mixed with fecal matter. ”
    Interesting choice of words. I immediately thought “santorum,” as I sure, many others did as well.

  • Traxley Launderette

    Doug: ur doing it wrong.

  • Secure

    So what time is the orgy?

  • Steverino

    As always, it’s never about orientation, attraction, excitement, and (gasp) love with these impostors, it’s always about meat plumbing, icky bodily discharges, and procreation. What is this obsession with anal sex? Sounds like he’s saying that is what being a gay male is all about.

    Good god, what a bleak way to live.

    Also as usual, lesbians are not mentioned at all. It all goes to misogyny, every time.

    • Octavio

      That’s how gawd likes it. He/she wants ya’ll to be ashamed. Very, very ashamed. Gawd’s a sicko.

  • Macbill

    And, he takes Viagra: it’s hard to stay hard when your heart isn’t in it. Making the misses dress as a man doesn’t always do it.

  • Tom G

    Congrats. That makes one of you. And why is he bringing Santorum into the whole dirty mix?

  • BeaverTales

    You shouldn’t be jerking off either, Doug. If you don’t keep your wife knocked up, then she keeps squirting blood every month, which is clearly demonic and bad. Since you only have 2 kids, you did a bad job of being a good husband. Unless you are both too old to conceive….then you shouldn’t be having any sex at all, right? Thinking about bloody discharge of semen from the unlubed vagina isn’t exactly winning me over to Team Het here.

    You are so fucked up, dude. Logic is definitely not your strong suit.

  • Schlukitz

    The existence of hypocrites like Doug Mainwaring degrades the human race!

  • Snarkaholic

    Me, explaining (most) straight sex:
    Harry tossed aside his (fifth) empty Colt 45 can. It ricocheted, with an audible ping, off the far wall of his dingy trailer.
    With a trumpeting belch, he staggered over to the bed, eager to feel the rasp of its seventeen thread count, 137% polyester sheets on his bare, flabby skin.
    Flopping down onto its potato-chip-crumb-covered surface, he grabbed Lorraine’s left shoulder and flipped her over onto her back.
    His stale breath woke her up, like a vicious slap in the face.
    “What the fcuk, asshole!?! I just fell asleep!” she declared indignantly.
    “Come on!” he retorted. “The welfare office doesn’t open for another twenty minutes!”
    Okay, fine!” she replied, lifting his numerous stomach rolls and beginning her long, difficult search…

    • Adam King

      I really, really wish I hadn’t read that.

    • Octavio

      Do you have a title for this particular masterpiece? 🙂

      • Snarkaholic

        Well, since it’s a horror story, and Lorraine is willing to shag that repulsive creep Harry…I’m calling it “Skankenstein.”

  • DaveMiller135

    It wasn’t for me, so it’s not for you.

  • Robert Conner

    Translation: when straight couples fuck (vaginally), the result may be a mixture of baby, meconium (green baby shit) and afterbirth squeezed from the uterus after some hours of painful muscular contractions. When two men fuck, the result may be the birth of another Rick Santorum. With any luck the Santorum will land in a toilet bowl.

  • Christopher Smith

    Aaaand……..it’s the Second Coming of FROTHY MIX!!!

  • Steven Leahy

    I don’t even know where to start.

    What’s the most glorious result when Lesbians are involved? Please tell us, Oh Enlightened One.

    So – recreational sex among heterosexuals is frowned upon. The only purpose of a sexual encounter is when a birth results. Got it.

    • GC

      Pleasure and bonding are EVIL! All that matters are more little sheep to indoctrinate!

  • Gigi

    “I no longer practice homosexuality…” Why not? Practice makes perfect.

  • NO MORE GOP!

    I’m OK with him having self-loathing (it’s justified, but not for the reasons he wallows in it), but I do wish he’d keep it to himself.

  • Gigi

    Note to self: Don’t ever go to American Thinker again.

    • Reasonoverhate

      They should be sued for false advertising!

      • Craig Howell

        American Thinker Is Neither.

  • a few things:
    1. what a denigration of the untold millions of heterosexual couples who are deeply in love and yet cannot physically conceive.
    2. fecal matter? no wonder you’re an ex-gay. you were doing it wrong.

    of course you’re not Homosexually Active. you still think “Hell” is real. (it isn’t) and never grew the spine needed to think for yourself and stand up to your bigoted community.

    So, in closing – chug bleach.

    • Skeptical_Inquirer

      Yeah, I’m very tired of the ability to conceive being the standard and the hypocrisy that surrounds it. I don’t hear the same people saying that couples where the woman is post-menopausal should completely stop banging or that a male soldier who suffered testicular injury should be celibate.

      • well, i even heard some horrific woman saying denigrating trans women by saying “i am a REAL WOMAN because i can PRODUCE LIFE!”
        So…. a woman who cannot conceive isn’t a real woman? the millions of women who simply cannot reproduce aren’t “real” enough? how hateful.

        and yeah. post-menopausal women. men who are infertile.

        these people have excuses for everything and reasons for nothing.

        • Tor

          Or het couples who choose not to reproduce for whatever reasons.

      • SilverWoof

        One could argue that having sex where there is ability to conceive is often sex that is driven by a base animal desire.

        An activity every life form no matter how simple or stupid is driven by biology to do.

        For the most part, in gay sex, pleasure and ecstatic connection are an objective in and of themselves liberated from the base reproductive urge. It is therefore, by default, an exalted form of intercourse superior to reproductive driven sex.

  • ECarpenter

    Good Gay Christians have more faith than this doubting blasphemer; an omnipotent God can make a man butt-pregnant from anal sex any time He wants, so why not see if He’s in the mood to do it today?

  • Adam King

    Can we still cuddle?

  • Eros1405

    I love when he said, “but I am well aware of my human frailty and maintain a healthy respect for the power of the flesh and the lure of the world” in other words, look at my wife, look at our children but don’t look at my phone where I have 1-800-rentboy on speed dial.

  • Clearly someone who has never had a blowjob.

    • HazumuOsaragi
      • Octavio

        I’m thinking he’s a poor soul who was always asked, “Is it in yet?”

    • Davester

      well, without paying for it

  • Blah-blah-blah. “Sex is for breeders only, anybody else who does it for any other reason than attempted breeding is a sinning abomination. Homosexuality consists only of the gay male anal sex I still obsess about constantly and there is no alternative. Oh, and lesbians simply don’t exist because I really don’t think about women in that way at all.”

    Did I miss anything there?

    • JCF

      Nope.

  • fuzzybits
  • Lumpy Gaga

    [Looks around at humanity]

    “Yeah, I’ll take the fresh Santorum, please. And a decaf.”

  • Lumpy Gaga

    Mainwaring apparently doesn’t douche.

    Should we call him “Doung” from now on??

  • James

    I read that article. He’s mentally ill.

  • Octavio

    Probably a good thing he no longer “practices” homosexuality. Obviously,he was never good at it.

    • wmforr

      From and early Soap episode.
      SOMEONE: Are you a practicing homosexual?
      BILLY CHRYSTAL: I don’t have to practice. I’m good at it!

  • Leo Tallant

    “…an anal discharge of semen mixed with fecal matter…”

    OH honey no, that’s called Santorum!

  • MattPS

    Sounds to me like neither he (nor anyone else) ever got close to finding his G-spot. Hence, bitterness…

  • Mark McGovern

    He is a vile piece of shit and I pity the wife and children of such a toxic dung heap that would reduce any persons worth to a physical act, gay or straight. Does this so called gay douchebag not know that gay men clean themselves? Glad I never had to fuck the dirty bitch. Pity the wife. Sheesh what a monumental disgrace for a human being.

  • coram nobis

    Not to be grammar police, but the proper term for “an anal discharge of semen mixed with fecal matter”, which presumably would include lube as well, is santorum.

    • Reality.Bites

      We’ll let it slide just this once.

  • Ray Muñez

    It’s interesting to watch him change over the years. He started out affirming himself as gay but opposed to gay marriage. He supported civil unions. As time went on, he became more extreme. He dropped his support of civil unions. He started to emphasize his sham marriage. Now he’s on rants about anal discharge. It’s like when you hang out in those circles, you are driven to more extreme positions.

    • Chris

      Yeah, it didn’t take long for Doug to lose touch with reality. It was right about the time he started quoting AFTER THE BALL that it was game over.

      • Ray Muñez

        The stuff they claim to believe about that book is nuts. They believe (or claim to believe) that it is the Gay Strategy Handbook that we use to conquer America. If that were true, it never would have been published as a commercially available book; it would have been an internal document used within gay organizations. And if, for some reason, it had been published as a book, it would be a work of such importance that it would be in print today all over the world. The authors would be famous and would have put out many editions to account for the huge changes in communications since the 1980s. The book would be assigned reading in gay studies and political science courses. But in fact It had one printing and has been out-of-print for 27 years and no one mentions it except these anti-gay fools. I really wonder whether they truly believe what they say about it. Mainwaring is an intelligent guy; I can’t believe that he actually believes it.

    • NedFlaherty

      One question that Doug Mainwaring has never, ever answered is how much cash NOM gave to him (and Robert Oscar Lopez) for being the only two gay men on earth who opposed human rights for other gay men.

      Mainwaring founded the National Capital Tea Party Patriots, but that part-time job is long over with. He used to sell real estate, but that tapered off, too. So cash from the Vatican, NOM, and affiliates is always welcome.

  • Gianni

    This man is like a rotting potato. He has an awful smell to him. While your at it, assole , why don’t you include the same yuckiness that results from the man blowing his load up his wife’s/girlfriend’s ass? It’s been known to happen. Also, do tell about the sloppy mess that oozes from a woman’s canoe after a good banging. I’m positive it will turn on many of your hetero male readers (but definitely not their women). You are such a sicko.

  • SammySeattle

    I feel sorry for his wife.

    • Tor

      She has to be amazingly stupid or asexual.

  • coram nobis

    In other sodomy news, Salon reports that gay-male porn consumption in states like Mississippi and North Carolina is at a high rate.

    http://www.salon.com/2016/05/21/the_red_state_gay_porn_habit_why_conservative_states_like_mississippi_and_north_carolina_lead_the_nation_in_same_sex_porn_consumption/

    Mississippi and North Carolina recently passed some of the harshest laws in the nation targeting the LGBT community. As statistics from PornHub show, congressmen might be legislating against queer and trans people, but their constituencies sure do love to watch them have sex. The Daily Dot reports that Mississippi ranked third (behind Washington, D.C., and New York) in a recent PornHub survey on the amount of porn consumed by state. The Magnolia State, in particular, shows a disproportionate preference for black gay porn, while the South boasted three of the top five states with the highest rate of gay porn viewership …
    — lede

    • Christopher Smith

      “in other sodomy news…..”
      Brilliant.

  • Rocco

    So you’re a reluctant bisexual who used to be a piggy bottom. This is news, why? Clearly this dude’s not as het as he claims. A five minute perusal of het porn ( ugh, I know, but somebody’s gotta do it) would show the consumer their tribe likes anuuhl as much as we do. Also, the stats for hets who only have secks for reproductive purposes has got to be minuscule. So they are having secks for the same reasons we are. Earth shattering news, I guess. You are foaming at the mouth because you did all that “extra work” to hate yourself for nothing. The powers that be have declared we are equal. Although I’m old, I will likely live long enough to see the Republicant party drop the hate from its platform. We are no longer illegal in this country, nor mentally ill. All you have left, you pathetic creature, is your church, and that has started to go our way as well. I just regret that I won’t live long enough to see the majority of Christian churches declare “it” is no longer a sin. Time to sit down, and shut up gramps. If you’re still agitated, move to Mississippi.

  • SammySeattle

    “You’re a sad and pathetic man. You’re a homosexual and you don’t want to be, but there’s nothing you can do to change it. Not all the prayers to your god, not all the analysis you can buy in all the years you’ve go left to live. You may one day be able to know a heterosexual life if you want it desperately enough. If you pursue it with the fervor with which you annihilate. But you’ll always be homosexual as well. Always Michael. Always. Until the day you die.” – Harold, The Boys in the Band

    • TampaDink

      This is one of the strongest lines from “The Boys…” and it still rings true of so many twisted, self-loathers out there.

  • Michael

    Another bisexual trying to take away the rights of gay people. We could also say that the results of heterosexual intercourse (ignoring when they have anal sex, of course) could by a discharge of menstrual blood and semen; trauma from a rape; deformed children from incest; abortions; starving children due to overpopulation; and sexually transmitted diseases. The important point he leaves out is that someone has to take care of the children these “glorious” heterosexuals pop out and toss aside like old dish rags. That’s where we come in.

    • Reality.Bites

      He’s no more bisexual than I am.

      Never yet encountered an “ex-gay” with any attraction to women. Someone who likes women and men but doesn’t want to be gay just has sex with women and gets on with his life.

  • WIGuy

    he just doesn’t get it!

  • RKitty01

    where do they get these assholes?

  • kaydenpat

    Happily reconciled? Doesn’t sound like a good thing.
    He should be happy with himself and stop worrying about other people’s sexuality.

  • SoCalGal20

    Again with the anal sex lol.

    I’ve always felt that gay hate stems from misogyny. The people that hate gays also hate women, let’s be real. All women are good for is making babies. Sex is never for pleasure or bonding. Gay men (because when they talk about hating gays it’s typically gay men they’re talking about) can fuck with abandon but no babies. The haters are typically obsessed with how gay men have sex. And of course gay men are “weaker” than het men (LOL) and some of them even take the “female” role (my eyes are rolling typing this out) by being the bottom. I’ve always wondered if these douchebags are aware there are straight guys that love ass play and pegging by their girlfriends/wives. It’s all tied up in misogyny. I’m sure somebody can say this better than I can but you get the idea.

    • McSwagg

      It’s all tied up in misogyny.
      Sounds like there might be a little bondage involved also. LOL

      • SoCalGal20

        Haha I wouldn’t be surprised!

  • Anniejvigil1

    “my room mate Mary Is getting paid on the internet $98/hr”…..!kj89ytwo days ago grey MacLaren. P1 I bought after earning 18,512 Dollars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k Dollars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over hourly. 87 Dollars…Learn. More right Here !kj89y:➽:➽:.➽.➽.➽.➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsPermanentGetPay-Hour$98…. .★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★::::::!kj89y….,……

  • DisT

    Is his wife an ex-gay lesbian?
    What kind of woman would marry a gay man?

    • NowAnAgnostic

      Do you remember that episode of “Will and Grace” which featured ex-gays? Jack and Karen played ex-gays so Jack could get his supposed ex-gay “friend” into bed. It was hilarious.

  • RickCabral

    National Capital Tea Party Patriots- – – – Can you say that without laughing?

  • BudClark

    I never did much research into coprophilia and coprophiliacs, but aside from the very obvious lack of self-esteem, there must be some FASCINATING short-circuits in that part of the brain … and/or early childhood experiences of some REALLY tortuous and cruel potty-training.

    I remember before my older sister had her first child, our mother took GREAT pains to describe in EXCRUCIATING detail all the horrors of childbirth, which of course the MAN inflicted upon the WOMAN by getting her pregnant in the first place. I was nine years old. I was HORRIFIED!

  • UnionGoon

    Ummmmm not to go all TMI here, but some of us straight, married ladies go for anal sex too. How does that work into his logic?

  • Frommer_Gast

    I like this manly way he shifts his glasses into his hairs … it looks so … straight …!

  • Don Sylvia

    If anything whatsoever demeans your marriage you are already on very shaky ground. Marriage, straight or gay, is sacred and sacred cannot be demeaned by anything.

  • Angelafpatino

    “my room mate Mary Is getting paid on the internet $98/hr”…..!kj108ytwo days ago grey MacLaren. P1 I bought after earning 18,512 Dollars..it was my previous month’s payout..just a little over.17k Dollars Last month..3-5 hours job a day…with weekly payouts..it’s realy the simplest. job I have ever Do.. I Joined This 7 months. ago. and now making over hourly. 87 Dollars…Learn. More right Here !kj108y:➽:➽:.➽.➽.➽.➽ http://GlobalSuperJobsReportsEmploymentsPriceGetPay-Hour$98…. .★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★::::::!kj108y….,….

  • Ogre Magi

    They sure seem to think about poo a lot

  • B Snow

    “When a man and a woman make love, the miracles of conception and birth are possible.”

    I’m gonna stop you right there, Doug. When my dad remarried, he was 74 and his new wife was 70. I have no idea what they did in bed (and really do not want to know) but the miracles of conception and birth were definitely NOT possible for them. So either you’re saying my dad was not a man and/or Jane was not a woman, or you’re a moron whose brain does not connect to his mouth. Which is it?