Marco Rubio: Please Don’t Swipe Left On Me

JMG reader Jude points us to an unconfirmed Twitter report that the Rubio campaign has posted the above message on Grindr Tinder, which expresses hope that everybody is enjoying their one man/one woman hook-ups and that they reject extremism and fake hair. Winky! (I totally had to look up Tinder’s rules to find out which swiping direction was negative.)

  • Rex

    2595 miles away is NOT far enough.

    • sherman

      Be glad you’re not in the millions who are closer.

      Or, horrors: “The message is coming from inside the house.”

      • Snarkaholic

        Ladies: The message is coming from INSIDE your uterus!!!1!!!!111!!!

      • stuckinthewoods

        yeah, he was 25 miles away from me yesterday….creepy.

  • sherman

    Oh no he dih-nt!

    This has to be a fake account.

    • Dreaming Vertebrate

      I agree. Likely a parody account. Time will tell.

      • Joe in PA

        Only if it brings bad press…otherwise ….

    • BlueberriesForMe

      This is America. It’s so fake that it has to be “real”.

  • Snarkaholic

    That’s one of the worst photos, layout/cropping-wise, that I’ve ever seen.

    • sherman

      It’s his “water bottle reach” pose.

      • Snarkaholic

        I thought it was a still shot from his “Luggage Lifter Training Video.”

    • Treant

      They want to obscure the fact that he’s bleeding to death from the missing left side.

      /not really sure if that was snark or not

      • Snarkaholic

        Or that he has no spine.

  • TheSpinMonkey

    Rubio is an extremist

    • Richard, another Canuck

      As is Cruz, Trump and any other repub espousing their unAmerican values.

  • JoeMyGod

    So far the only news outlet reporting this is the above-linked account from a Talking Points Memo reporters.

    • Homo Erectus

      Then their reporters shall get what they deserve.

  • bkmn

    The megadonors must be making his life hell.

  • Lazycrockett

    The White House Foam Parties are gonna be Awesome!!

    • Acronym Jim

      For that, he’ll have to turn the briefing room back into a swimming pool. Eh, It’s not like Rubio would be anxious to do press conferences anyway.

      • Lumpy Gaga

        But he’s got a hairy back, so….

      • Oh’behr

        I wondered what happened with the pool. Thanks for the link.

    • Snarkaholic

      They’re opening a Starbucks there?

  • Treant

    Gotta left swipe dat.

  • Sam_Handwich

    some sort of kerfuffle just occurred at a Trump rally involving a Time photographer, secret service and a choke hold

  • BearEyes

    he’s reaching to my left, so left swipe it is.

  • Dreaming Vertebrate

    Well now FreitFart is reporting on this so it MUST be true. (unless it’s not)

  • oikos
    • Dreaming Vertebrate

      That dude must have a bladder the size of a large watermelon.

      • Lumpy Gaga

        It does seem that nobody in the world but Marrrrco was thinking of this race in terms of peed pants before this week. He’ll need a Stadium Pal for those long rallies after the primaries are over.

        • perversatile

          Should we consider Michele Bachman’s strange declaration,
          ”Jackpot fishy poopy pants” a prophetic warning ?

          • Lumpy Gaga

            Within my lifetime, I expect that to be the name of a viable political party.

          • perversatile

            – with a choreographed presentation of the candidates?!

      • Robincho

        A nice contrast to his chickpea-sized “brain”…

    • Michael Rush
      • oikos

        Are you sure that is water? Looks like Marco likes pee.

        • Lumpy Gaga

          Tragically, he spelled “pee” incorrectly in his profile.

  • pickypecker
    • Henri205

      Somehow reminiscent of Edith Ann. At least she was cute and funny. Marco is vile and pompous.

  • Wynter Marie Starr

    Is the small football in his large hands supposed to make him look macho or send a message? Whichever, yawn. Not interested. Rubio’s an empty suit.

    • Snarkaholic

      Maybe he’s attempting to appear Kennedy-esque.

      • Lumpy Gaga


        • Snarkaholic


          • Lumpy Gaga

            Too soon!

      • Wynter Marie Starr

        He failed.

  • Marc

    He’s young! He’s hip! He’s promiscuous!

    • Todd20036

      He’s not my type, and I am not desperate.

    • Oscarlating Wildely

      He’s probably got a really small dick.

      • Treant

        That’s not a problem if he knows what to do with it.

        …Oh. Er, yeah. I see your point. Left swipe that.

    • LovesIrony

      and out of touch with his contemporaries that support marriage equality.

  • Todd20036

    Why no, THIS doesn’t reek of desperation. Nope, not at all.

  • Lumpy Gaga

    He holds that football like a girl.

    (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

    • BlueberriesForMe

      What is the female derivative of “Marco”? “The Marquessa”?

    • perversatile

      Best exchange ever-
      “You run like a girl”
      “You could too, if you put the bag of Cheetos down
      and got your lazy ass off the couch.”

      • Homo Erectus


        • perversatile

          ‘Men use to think, all a woman wanted was to get married, a nice home, and have a couple of kids, thats how come it was so easy to take their jobs.”
          -my Aunt Louise

  • Octavio

    What about his Grindr profile?

    • BlueberriesForMe

      Tinder, Grindr – everyone is gay at the end of the day.

      • Octavio

        What a wonderful life it is in a way
        That everyone’s gay at the end of the day!

  • Billy Billiamson

    How do you do, fellow kids?

  • Lumpy Gaga

    My thoughts on this HOT PROFILE PIC.

    1) he’s holding the ball like a dog toy.
    2) There’s a baby a few feet behind him. So is this touch or tackle?
    3) he’s holding the ball like he just popped the prestige in a magic trick on your ass.
    4) I didn’t know “blue binder” was a position in football. Wish I knew in high school.

  • fuzzybits
    • Todd20036

      Sigh. Henry Winkler sure had a great pair of legs.

      I thought that first, and the shark jumping reference second.

      Hey, I have priorities.

      • And sadly, now he’s on TV hawking those scammy reverse mortgages. How incredibly sad…

    • Larry Ft Pierce

      I think the USA has jumped the shark.

      • Lawerence Collins

        All the more reason to vote for Bernie Sanders. 2016!

  • Michael Rush

    Please Clap

  • Alan43

    Not trying too hard to dispell those gay rumors…

  • LovesIrony

    I am a senator that does not show up for work because football

  • BudClark

    I seldom pay attention to the straight world unless it intrudes on my own, but isn’t Tinder a place for straight people (married and unmarried) to hook up for casual sex, just like Grindr is for us?

    Does that mean that if you vote for Rubio, it’s OK to ignore the Commandment against adultery, AND Jesus’ teaching on divorce?

    I’m confused.

    • Treant

      You and me both, kid. I think he’s trying to sew up the adulterer vote.

    • Johnny Wyeknot

      Actually I’d be surprised if this isn’t a joke of some sort for exactly that reason. And I think it’s hilarious!

    • Kali

      While it’s mostly straight, Tinder gets all kinds. However,Tinder does not have a gender-nonconforming/nonbinary or trans identity option.

      The gay guys I know who use it say it’s less casual than Grindr for them; there’s a perception that it has more medium-long-term potential. The ladies I talk to swiping on dudes tend towards “repeat casual but with options for more”. Dudes swiping on ladies seem mostly looking for either one-off casual or regular hookup buddies. Ladies swiping on ladies run the gamut from “just looking for friends, not benefits” to “naked is fine, don’t wanna be your gf” to “if you’re looking for hookups swipe left [no]” to “we’re a couple looking for a unicorn”.

      In my extensive research, I’d say FWB/fuckbuddy/nonexclusive dating situation is the most common goal.

  • shellback

    But Marko’s extremism is fine, I guess.

  • 5moreminutes*imtired

    “Just a guy trying to change the world” Puke.

  • Alan E.

    I was just commenting to my husband last week that I don’t knwo which direction is good or bad. I’d like to be able to understand it and relay it in casual workspeak every once in a while to be able to relate

  • David Kerlick

    The largest tax cuts in history for the billionaires, and no plan to make up the trillions lost. Oh, abolish Medicare and Social Security.

  • just think if we had a real, independent media interested in facts and truth. Whobio? is what most people are saying right now. the ones who don’t watch TV news all day in a nursing home.

    Boobio has *no* natural support in the electorate, none. he’s a “choice” in the sense that the question is “would you like really stupid, or really stupid and crazy and uncontrollable?” most thug voters are choosing the latter. the funny part? it’s not even Bobotio’s fault. he’s the empty shell waiting to be filled with the first billionaire’s pearls of wisdom who buys him.

  • Todd

    Betcha his Grindr profile looks a lot different.

    • boatboy_srq

      Imagine what his Recon profile is like…

  • qwerty

    I feel like Rubio is making himself unelectable with his childish attacks. If people want their presidents to use middle school insults, they would already be voting for Trump.

  • Jude Newton

    MSNBC got to the bottom of this, Rubio’s campaign said they didn’t post it.

  • So… now we’re down to the incoherent short-fingered racist vulgarian, the oily Bible-humping political rat-fucker, and the unpopular altar boy running for junior high student council president.

    May Cthulhu save us all…