Ted Cruz Channels Eugene Delguadio

“Joe, you’re my last resort. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m emailing you again because you’re one of a trusted few. I’ve got less than 36 hours to raise $126,000 or risk letting you and all of the dedicated volunteers in Iowa down. The latest polling shows that Donald’s attacks against me are swaying voters, and unless we can hit this goal and give our volunteers the resources they need — we may not turn out enough voters for the Iowa Caucus.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m not ready to quit. If I can’t count on you, one of my closest supporters, then I could be in serious trouble. Please don’t let that happen! I won’t give up on you, and I will not give up on our country. Will you back me? For liberty! – Ted Cruz, recent graduate of the Eugene Delguadio School Of Histrionic Money Begs, LLC.

  • Jamie_Johnson

    What, no dark-and-stormy-night tale of finding b’earringed manly men running printing presses?


      IOWA: Dark and stormy Night I walked into a barn 🙂

      • Mark

        Baaaaaa baaaaaaaa

    • Judas Peckerwood

      “I know Eugene Delguadio, Eugene Deguadio is a bottom of mine, and YOU, sir, are no Eugene Delguadio.”

      • Richard K

        Ugh. I wouldn’t fuck Ted Cruz with Ann Coulter’s cock.

    • Adam

      And inserters!

      • Robincho

        And, we have to presume, insertees…

    • Brian Burleson

      And forklifts.

    • witch

      When will the movie come out. ;D

  • bkmn

    Ted’s plan to take 1st place in Iowa is crumbling, between Rump and the hammering from the GOP establishment, he is getting desperate. He still has millions at his disposal but he is worried. If he doesn’t take IA and do well in NH his plan will be toast.

    • Homo Erectus

      Politi-fact rated his Obamacare claims at the most recent debate “pants-on-fire” liar.

  • Joe in PA

    one of my closest supporters….

    Hmmm, Joe Jervis…who knew? 🙂

    #bettermanthanme 🙂

    • Capritaur

      I’m sure it got quite a few big-haired Texan ladies’ deprived vadges all atwitter.

      • Joe in PA

        or “helmut-haired” as Anne Richards would say. 🙂

        • Tor

          The higher the hair, the nearer to god.

    • Homo Erectus

      I need my glasses. I thought he said “one of my closet supporters”

      • BudClark

        I thought he said “closet suppositories … “

      • KCMC


  • RainbowPhoenix

    Always remember that sitting out the next election carries the risk of this lunatic getting his hands on the Supreme Court.

    • grada3784

      That would give the country a real Canadian Goose.

  • Stev84

    For real?

  • BearEyes

    voici le vrai nom de plume! – enfin!

  • jugomono

    ¡¡¡¡¡Ja ja ja ja ja ja ja ja ja!!!!!

  • Mark

    Aw dangit – – I miss the swarthy long haired, hairy chested dock workers….

    • Joe in PA

      don’t we all…

      Ahem. 🙂

  • Treg.Brown

    Hail Hydra Rafael.

  • another_steve

    Oy vay.

    That face again.

    • BearEyes

      when I see that face, I can only think of the swamp ass he decried as his 18 year old self in that video.

      • another_steve

        Actually, I think he was rather schtuppable back then.

        The years have not been kind to him.

    • Cuberly


      For some reason his face reminds me of the clown they used in the Poltergeist remake.

  • hiker_sf

    “Joe, you’re one of the chosen few – I’ve only sent this request to 36 million people.:

    • BuffaloDan

      Oh! You stop!
      Joe should feel special, too!
      You, HikerSF, destroy dreams — and that’s not what a Cruz America is all about!! It’s about destoying the middle class, silly!

      • Ray Taylor

        And us.

  • Paula

    Wow!! A trusted few. You must feel very special.

    • Nic Peterson

      Somebody has to do the dirty work. I would have fired back an email that reminded Ted that he is an enourmous asshole in a field of assholes and that’s why the Donald is winning. He’s better at being an asshole than Ted Cruz. Almost makes me sad for the little shitstain, almost.

      • Joseph Miceli

        Both of them should be happy that Martin Shkreli isn’t running then.

  • Jean-Marc in Canada

    Well, if that isn’t a sign of pathetic desperation, I don’t know what is. Surprisingly lacking in swarthy men with long hair references.

    • Robincho

      Et n’oubliez pas les boucles d’oreille!…

      • Hue-Man

        « c’était par une sombre nuit d’orage… »

        • BuffaloDan

          _L’enfer, c’est le parti républicain_

          • Robincho

            Républicain is SO four years ago. Now it’s Républistab…


    There goes Cruz showing his New York Values, requesting assistance from the gays again 🙂

  • Robincho

    Is there a style manual for these douchefucks? Strunk & White, meet Spunk & Blight…

  • Homo Erectus

    Tell him you sent all your money to the Ali Forney Center.

    • ben
      • Homo Erectus

        Not too shabby for 24 hours! It’ll probably be over the top within the week.

      • Bj Lincoln

        We just donated and saw how much they have raised so far. It is awesome! If we can keep the momentum going, they will make their goal.

        • TuuxKabin

          Hopefully we’ll see a spike in donations Monday. Corporations, Grant Providers, other LGBT organizations and potential donors who have had this information forwarded to them will, perhaps, act then, as an action of conducting business.

          • David Walker

            And pensioners. Monday is the first…pension pay day. We’ve got it figured out, and I’m really looking forward to it. Ceremonially, I think I’ll do it at the LGBT Center, because it’s one of my volunteer days. Oooooh. Big Smiley Face!!!

          • TuuxKabin

            Double good one you.

          • Bad Tom

            Most excellent!

      • Cuberly

        This is pretty awesome for the first full day if you ask me.

        • Skokieguy

          This is encouraging, but what about Bette Midler or other NY & Holllywood celebs? $200K for some is small change. Hell, some big name should throw down one million as $200K is a drop in the bucket toward the purchase and renovation costs.

          Caitlyn, are you listening?

          • Joseph Miceli

            Caitlyn is still a Republican. She probably feels that those kids should pull themselves up by their bootstraps.
            For the rest of us, though, a good way to support the Ali Forney Center is to start from their Amazon Smile page. A small fraction of every purchase you make is donated to the center. If enough of us did it, it would really add up!

          • TampaDink

            Additionally Caitlyn has nothing in common with LGBT folks. She doesn’t consider herself a lesbian….and definitely isn’t interested in men. She may have transitioned and she may look pretty damned good for a woman of her age & stature but as you pointed out, she remains a soulless supporter of the GOP and might be proud to have some new law that takes away her civil rights named in her honor.

          • FAEN


          • Cuberly

            First off, it’s ok to think Caitlyn is an idgit. As far as anyone else contributing, celebrity-wise, do they even know? I’m busy sending the cause out thru the channels I have. And they’ve been VERY responsive.

            And now we’re at…..

          • FAEN

            Caitlyn part with her money to help gay youth thrown out onto the street by the ass wipes that vote for the same party she does? Never happen.

        • JCF

          Just for you, Ted: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut!

      • douglas

        Message Ian Reisner and Mati Weiderpass on facebook and encourage them to donate to a campaign that will actually benefit the LGBT community who line their wallets.

        • Brian Burleson

          With at least as much as they donated to The Ted, at minimum.

    • SMorrisBouza

      Even better, donate to the center in his name 😉

      • b

        Dear Mr. Cruz:

        Thank you for upholding liberty! Although I am a Hillary supporter, in your honor I am donating to the Al Forney Center.

        • Cattleya1

          Did Ted send this from a warehouse in Baltimore where long-haired swarthy men were about to challenge his faith?

    • Todd20036

      Tell him you spent it on a warehouse party that had lots of long haired leather clad men

  • DaddyRay

    Perhaps Eugene got a job after a lll

    • Claude Jacques Bonhomme

      Ghostwriter for Rafael.

  • dwieboldt

    Brilliant, J.M.G.

  • BuffaloDan

    Ah! JMG is his “last resort,” ehh? I don’t necessarily want to make this into a love triangle, but _what does he see in you that he doesn’t see in the rest of us_?! Oh, Joe: “Trusted few,” ehh? Why do you do this to us?!
    (PS: Joe, you’re like those “scrubbing bubbles,” cleaning up shit and “doing it so we don’t have to.” Really, thank you — but better you than us…! 🙂 )

  • Bluto

    awww, a special kiss for Joe.

    • houstonray

      That is ten kinds of awesome!

    • Cuberly

      Saw this the other day….sorta along the same lines.

      • Fyva Prold

        This needed to photoshop hpCarly’s face in.

        • Joe knows who I am.

          No one needs to see that.

          • Fyva Prold

            Princess Lea doesn’t deserve such horrible treatment.

        • Cuberly

          Or, a certain eastern european woman’s face perhaps?

          I can’t imagine anyone shtupping Dahnald without a guarantee of a sizable return, $$$$$.

    • Reality.Bites

      Mommy, why is Ann Coulter trying to kiss that nice lady?

    • Todd20036

      That poor alien….

  • TexasBoy

    It was a dark and stormy night as Ted and Eugene huddled in the bushes outside that warehouse.

    • Silver Badger

      It’s called huddling now, is it. At least it’s still done in the bushes.

  • Schlukitz

    Well, the thing is, Ted….we are all out of “give a good fucks”.

    • DaddyRay

      Heck, I’m out of the regular fucks let alone the good ones

      • Silver Badger

        Just don’t settle for a dumb fuck like Cruz.

      • Schlukitz


  • DaddyRay

    “I don’t know about you, but I’m not ready to quit”

    Ted – I am sooooo ready for you to quit

  • TuuxKabin

    He should stop standing over the stove when frying things in grease and/or get a jar of Stridex.

  • Homo Erectus

    And he has boxes and boxes of petitions begging him to run.

  • Ddinz

    When Bill Clinton ran in ’92, some weird mail merge happened between me and my Republican mom. We got increasingly hysterical mail from, I think, Charlie Black, some of it “typed” on faux legal pad….”Martha, I’m typing this on the plane….we desperately need $100 from you to win this thing!”….We’d read them, write “really?” Or “Do tell!” Then we’d stuff it all back in the prepaid reply envelope and mail it so it cost them the postage….lord, those days were fun…

  • Hue-Man

    He could have added any of Eugenia’s money begs without missing a beat.

    “I have been working overtime fighting against the radical Homosexual
    Lobby. Today, I’m worried. Despite the rising tide of homosexual
    ‘marriage,’ and the Obama Administration’s war on Christianity, the
    radical Homosexual Lobby is drooling for more. I see well-known agents
    of the radical Homosexual Lobby everywhere. They are huddled in dark
    corners scheming and plotting. It is our duty as decent God-believing
    adults to fight against the tyranny and immorality of the radical
    Homosexual Lobby. These people admit that they want to molest our
    children. They admit that they want special rights that no American has.
    They admit that they want to infiltrate and weaken our military’s moral
    fiber. They admit that they want complete control over the national law
    enforcement apparatus. They admit that they’re deviants.”


  • EqualityForAll

    Joe, your auto-play video ads are starting to drive me crazy. If they continue to increase I’ll soon be saying “sayanara” to your site. The least you could do is make them optional rather than auto.

    • Silver Badger

      Auto-play video ads? We don’t have those in Denver.

      • EqualityForAll

        LOL you’re joking, right? I’m talking about the ads on the JMG web pages. Every so often I’ll open one of the articles on here and suddenly I hear audio blaring at me from a video advertisement that’s trying to sell me something. It’s becoming most annoying.

        • AdBlock fixed that for me.

        • Silver Badger

          No, I’m not. I may put on headphones to listen to a poster’s attachment, but otherwise I keep the sound off.

    • JoeMyGod

      Auto-play ads aren’t permitted on JMG. It could be that you are being served a local ad that slipped through the filter. If you know which one it is, I can put in a specific block ticket.

      • EqualityForAll

        I’ll keep my eyes open for the next time it happens. After they’ve come through once, though, they don’t seem to repeat themselves. I suspect that chasing them down once they’d had their air play is going to be rather difficult.
        Ads these days are very localized by webpage visitor.

        • canoebum

          Get Ghostery.

        • ben

          adblock plus

        • MDB

          Also Adguard Adblocker + Adblock Plus.

        • EqualityForAll

          Thanks for the tips, guys – problem solved. Where was I when these ad blockers came out? Under a rock I guess!

    • Robincho

      No, the least he could do would be to pray for them to go away…

  • Hardley

    Have we any more of those used dildoes left?

  • Brad Lathem

    The Canadian Don Gato

  • Michael Rush

    Last time i checked Ted Cruz had an enormous amount of money to work with , that’s a complate sham .

    Ted Cruz’s campaign said it would announce it had $19 million in the bank as of the end of 2015 CNN – Jan 29

    • lymis

      Well, they wouldn’t HAVE $19 million in the bank if they actually spent it, now would they? Silly.

  • TampaZeke

    …on a dark, stormy, foggy night, deep in the seedy warehouse district, long haired, muscular homosexuals are working feverishly churning out propaganda pamphlets…

  • Max_1
  • anne marie in philly

    he’s damn near as good as brian brown. make the paper tear-stained for added emphasis and the hayseeds will eat it up!

    • Reality.Bites

      If he’s only nearly as good as Brian Brown he has no chance of raising the money.

      • anne marie in philly

        bwhahahahahahaha! tru fax dat!

  • Timothy Kincaid

    He saw long haired Trump supporters at a warehouse in the rain, I believe

  • Soren456

    Check’s in the mail, Ted. Hahahahahaha.

    • Larry Larson

      I hope in your rush to get it in the mail that you didn’t forget to sign that check!

  • Timothy Kincaid

    One stormy night I drove to a mailshop hidden deep in a nearly deserted stand of warehouses. I’d heard something was up and wanted to see for myself.

    As I rounded the final turn my eyes nearly popped. Tractor-trailers pulled up to loading docks, cars and vans everywhere and long-haired, earring-pierced men scurrying around running forklifts, inserters and huge printing presses.

    Trembling with worry I went inside. It was worse than I ever imagined.

    Row after row of boxes bulging with pro-Trump petitions lined the walls, stacked to the ceiling.

    My mind reeled as I realized hundreds, maybe thousands, more boxes were already loaded on the tractor-trailers. And still more petitions were flying off the press.

    Suddenly a dark-haired man screeched, “Cruz what are you doing here?” Dozens of men began moving toward me. I’d been recognized.

    As I retreated to my car, the man chortled, “This time Cruz, we can’t lose.”

  • JT
    • Reality.Bites

      Indeed. The poor guy can’t even afford shirts.


      • Todd20036

        Good. A shirt is the worst thing he could wear.

        • Reality.Bites

          I’m not convinced. That white belt may be the worst thing he could wear.

          • olandp

            What else would one wear with pink pants?

          • zhera

            Cerulean goes well with pink, no?

          • Reality.Bites

            The pink pants are second worst. 😉

          • lymis

            “What else would one wear with pink pants?”

            An oddly festive beribboned codpiece, if the picture is anything to go by.

    • Stephen Elliot Phillips

      God hes a hottie. Ooooh if i were just a tad younger……

  • BuffaloDan

    Oh! What happens if he _doesn’t_ raise that money? Does he turn back into a Canadian Fascist pumpkin?

  • Robincho

    Wowee zowee, Joe! Dudley Do-wrong says he’s not gonna give up on you. That must make you feel super wanted and needed and loved…

  • douglas

    I love the smell of a campaign crashing and burning.

  • Brian in Valdosta

    If the Stupid burns, then what does the Insincere do?

    • “Eye-roll Whiplash”?

    • boatboy_srq


  • boatboy_srq

    Nothing made me happier than voting for Saines in the last election. Seems I’ll have similar joys this coming pResidential election cycle.

  • Benny S.

    Joe! If you’re Ted’s last resort, and you indeed have that $126,000 lying around, could you spare another $50 for me??? I want to take my boyfriend out for dinner in about an hour.

  • VodkaAndPolitics

    I love that Joe is one of his “trusted few” Snork!

  • Why not throw a luau themed fundraiser? Ted can bathe in a honey pineapple glaze, bite an apple, and bury himself under a fire for 6 hours.

  • Secure

    I threw up some in my mouth. Ted better not win Iowa.

  • Ninja0980

    I would have simply told him to jump off a cliff.

  • Octavio

    Cruz is also know to cheat at cards. Caveat emptor.

  • Outlaw Woman

    Oh My GOD … it is almost word for word an Eugene letter!

  • Sam_Handwich

    oh man, that’s spooky

    ok i need to get back to my forklift

    • Joe in PA

      what are you wearing? wink wink

      • Sam_Handwich

        just looooooong hair and my earrings

        • Robincho

          Swarthmore, ’69?…

  • GanymedeRenard

    Dear Despicable Ted,

    You’re a disgrace to each and every decent person who bears the Cruz surname. You’re hideous, both externally and internally. And you’re talentless. Please, change your name! Signed,

    Penélope Cruz, Spanish actor (1 Oscar, 1 BAFTA, 3 Goyas, etc.)

    and Jordi Cruz, Spanish chef (2 Michelin stars).

  • Piercedchrlz

    It would be great if all $126,00. of his request made it’s way to Ali Forney in the name of his campaign. And not a single cent to him.

  • Hah!

    • “Goddamn your Drunk Tests are hard!” /juggles

  • Sam_Handwich

    Cruz should have invested half the time and energy he spent in Iowa in South Carolina instead …and just ignored NH

    • just imagine, for a minute with me. let’s say the official system goes like this. CA first. then NY. then MA. then MN. then, to be fair, OR. that’s our “primary system.” the media has no choice but to cover it. cause that’s the way it is, according to the unelected “officials” who run both parties. suck it up, voter. “we all know it’s decided by the end of the 6th primary at the latest, it’s locked up at that point.” so whatever those states decide, that’s who will be in the general. the rest is just a show, and gerrymandered anyway.

      how different would our choices be?

  • RickCabral

    “…one of my closest supporters,…”??? Joe, are you leading a secret life? Just kidding. He does sound a lot like Queenie La Frogface, doesn’t he?

  • Sam_Handwich

    interesting tidbit from the final Des Moines Register poll…


    • That_Looks_Delicious

      Yeah, but favorables aren’t everything. Carson has the highest favorability (gag me!), but he’s expected to come in 4th.

      • Sam_Handwich

        no, carson won’t win….but trump’s numbers vs Cruz are my favorite take-aways from the poll

        hope the caucuses don’t get violent 😡

        • That_Looks_Delicious

          I wouldn’t stand too close to the butter cow, just in case.

          (Wouldn’t that make a great episode of Bones or CSI? Somebody murdered with the butter cow?)

          • Sam_Handwich


          • That_Looks_Delicious

            Ha. This was the scene of the PETA crime involving the butter cow.

      • sherman

        He accepted Medicaid expansion in Ohio. Saving lives by making health insurance available makes the baby jeebus cry.

  • That_Looks_Delicious

    He’ll come in second.

    The Des Moines Register just released their final poll before Monday. Nate Silver calls her (DMR pollster ) the best pollster in the world. Here’s the really interesting tidbit to me: Bush is polling at 2%, tied with Santorum and Huckabee!

    That, to me, is the most remarkable thing about this election – where the GOP is now compared to when this campaign began, and all the talk about the GOP was whether it would be Walker or Bush or possibly Paul, long-shot Christie.

    • Homo Erectus

      This just in from Jebya:

  • 2patricius2

    Joe, you’re his last resort. So let him down hard.

  • JaniceInToronto

    Damn, he’s good. He writes just like Delguadio. Remarkable.

    Separated at birth? In Canada?

    • skeptical_inquirer

      I think that shows his future career: spamming alarmist mooching for $$$.

      • JaniceInToronto

        So no career change at all then, right?

  • Joe knows who I am.

    Oh. My. God.

    That is so ridiculously true for the post title!

  • Piercedchrlz

    Related news:
    Iowa’s secretary of state rips Cruz over campaign mailer

    Washington (CNN)Iowa’s secretary of state on Saturday blasted Ted Cruz’s campaign over a controversial mailer that aims to drive voters to the polls for Monday’s caucuses by claiming they have committed “violations.”

    “Today I was shown a piece of literature from the Cruz for President campaign that misrepresents the role of my office, and worse, misrepresents Iowa election law,” Paul Pate, a Republican, said in a statement Saturday.


    • KnownDonorDad


  • Greg B.

    “As I write this, long-haired earring-wearing homosexuals are working in warehouses under the cover of darkness loading “Trump 2016″ lawn signs onto trucks”.

    • lymis

      Remember when EARS were the most shocking things people pierced?

  • Larry Larson

    Reminds me just how much I miss Miss Eugenia’s (at least) monthly missives. Oh, where, oh, where has he been?

    • William

      Pushing a shopping cart down the side of Leesburg Highway, talking to fence posts.


        What a poetic image.

      • Larry Larson

        I’ll bet he’s simply fabulous at it!

  • Dale Snyder

    …and this moron thinks he could win a general election.

    Hey, asswipe, you don’t need money. Pray to your imaginary skyfairy.

    • Joe knows who I am.

      No but, he sure doesn’t want to owe all that money either. You can bet he burnt it as fast as he was given it!

  • Homo Erectus

    “He was a dork and smarmy knight….”

  • ben-andy

    Um, if Teddy is down to “a trusted few” that includes Joe, then he’s not long for this race anyway. If that is a lie, well that is just business as usual for the Thugs.

  • He and Eugene both use SuperPac Fundraising MadLlibs®!

  • Larry Larson

    Dear Raphael,
    If you promise to move back to Canada, I’ll mail you a shiny new Loonie.
    You must feel pretty special having a coin named after you!

    • DaddyRay

      It doesn’t seem fair to do that to the friends to our north, what have they done to us?

      • Larry Larson

        OK, back to the fatherland, Cuba, then?

        • DaddyRay

          Possibly GITMO but since we are trying to normalize relations with the rest of Cuba that might not be so wise

          • Larry Larson

            Perfect! Being locked-up with a bunch of real muslim terrorists is probably Raf’s wet dream.

      • iamvince

        Mullets! Poutine! Brian Boitano! =D

        • DaddyRay

          I can’t decide which is worse Justin Bieber or Mullets

        • Reality.Bites

          Brian Boitano is 100% American, born in Sunnyvale, California.

      • zhera

        Justin Bieber.

      • KnownDonorDad
      • William


    • lukefromcanada

      last time I checked our money was not called “friggin nut job”

    • William

      I’ve got 10 Dollars CDN on the fridge. Add it to the pot.

  • Traxley Launderette

    Jesus, that face. Scared the crap outta me again.

    Think I need to settle down and watch a movie with a glass of wine so I can get to sleep after that.

    Stephen King’s “It” should do the trick.

  • MDB

    Except our Joe is in New York, que no ?? Teddie’s GPS is obviously broken. Maybe he should call his BFF’s Mati and Ian in Manhattan.

  • Dale Snyder

    45 years old. He looks like he’s 60, with the obesity and the old man noggin.

    It must be hell to be a vile hateful christian [email protected]

    • LonelyLiberal

      Really? I’m older than he is and, compared to me, he’s a total hag. I hadn’t known his age…and guessed about 55-60 just from looking at him.

      Hmph. Hate. The Anti-Botox.

    • Rebecca Gardner

      It’s true, I’m older than him and look so much younger. I have learned that hate ages a body something terribly.

    • Snarkaholic

      And the greasy Vitalis hair crap from the 1950’s.

  • Alex in Idaho

    He looks like the kind of guy that drives around in a beat-up truck in Florida trying to sell bogus driveway “refinishing” or roof cleaning or tree trimming to seniors with diminished cognitive abilities. Selling used cars would be a big step up. President of the USA? I can’t even….

    • Menergy

      I laughed!😆

  • Rebecca Gardner

    Where’s the hot and sweaty men operating fork lifts?

  • David Walker

    Wow. That’s as impressive as the famous Ted Baxter School of Broadcasting. Leaving a legacy is good.

    • Leo Tallant

      Lou: “Murry, did Mary just tell Ted to shut up on the air?”
      Murry: “I think so Lou”.
      Lou: “Good”

  • William

    In the name of all that is holy, don’t go into that warehouse!!!

  • Blake Jordan

    I am glad it is cruz that has failed, because he would keep his hateful promises!
    Trump is just saying whatever shit will get him the win, and is unlikely to follow through on most of it.

  • Mark

    Teddy is pulling out all the stops. Now he’s using intimidation in a succinctly nasty and trashy way to ‘urge’ people to vote. Fuckin slime bag.


  • Dan Robinson
  • The Professor

    He is foul.

  • NeverEclipsed

    Wow is it the same writer or something? Creepy.

  • Mark

    End of his nose is apropos. Another dick head. I guess I would be miserable and hateful if I had that little pecker attached in the middle of my face……

    • Silver Badger

      The sad part is that the little pecker attached in the middle of his face, is the biggest one he has.

  • RoverSerton

    “closest supporters”. You use that word but I don’t think it means what you think it means…. “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”

    • Silver Badger

      You mean he wasn’t talking about his jock strap?

  • Mihangel apYrs

    gosh Joe – is there something you’re not telling us? Is Teddie your new BFF?

    • Silver Badger

      I would hope that Joe being his last resort means Cruz is going to fade into the obscurity he deserves.

  • medaka

    Oh Joe, please something, anything else SOON. I know you’re still waking up and stuff, but still.

    Just checking in again and seeing that face still up, I’m coughing up hairballs, and I’m a fish, not a cat — I can’t even imagine what cats are coughing up….

    • Silver Badger

      Let us hope that Joe starts his morning with mind blowing sex. When he’s done with the sex, he needs to take a hot bath and have sex again, followed by a great meal and more sex. Everybody needs some time off and Joe needs to realize this before he becomes totally burnt out.

  • bambinoitaliano

    Here Ted. I would even put it in a red envelop and wish you Gong Hey Fatt Choy.

  • Lindoro Almaviva

    Cruz: Help me Obi Wan Kenoby, you are my only hope.
    Obi Wan Kenobi slowly walks to the droid, pulls the memory and burns it with his saber…

  • Look at that photo. The closer you get to Cruz, the uglier he looks. He would look far better in Canada.

  • Mickey Bitsko

  • How about we mail him photos of same sex couples on their wedding day, along with those wee copies of the constitution?

  • Starr Manning’s Lesbian Lover

    Who knew, Joe, was such a hardcore Cruz Supporter. lol.

  • send him a keg of lubricant with a box of dildos instead.

  • I received the same email myself. The only reason I signed up was in the hope of winning the Ted Cruz Autographed Shotgun(tm).

  • JCF

    Dear Joe,

    This has never happened to me before. But last night at the Cruz for President headquarters, I was ambushed by a bunch of long-haired hippies. They had on tight jeans, in those jeans, I could see—to my great…uh horror—the bulges of the most enormous