Ted Cruz At Age 18: I Want To Take Over The World, Be Rich, And Star In A “Teen Tit Film” [VIDEO]

Politico reports:

A new video of a teenaged Ted Cruz, posted Saturday on YouTube, shows a lankier and younger version of the future Republican presidential candidate sarcastically talking about his life’s goals —and they’re far more ambitious than the mere presidency. “Take over the world, world domination, you know, rule everything. Rich, powerful, that sort of stuff,” Cruz says.

Off camera, the teenager identified as an 18-year old Cruz is asked about his life’s aspirations. “Aspirations? Is that like sweat on my butt?” a sardonic Cruz says at the start of the 30-second clip, wearing jeans and a tucked in shirt. “No no, oh I see, what you want me to do, what I want to do in life.”

Cruz squints his eyes tilts his head to the sky. “Well my aspiration is to, uh, oh I don’t know, be in a teen tit film like that guy who played Horatio. You know he was in Malibu Bikini Beach Shop,” he says. The reference appears to be to a 1986 movie, The Malibu Bikini Shop, which came out two years before the video was filmed.

  • Taylor

    Daddy must be so proud!

  • popebuck1

    It’s amazing how every new thing I learn about Ted Cruz makes him even less attractive. How does he keep doing that?

    • McShane

      I have a feeling that Melisandre might have something to do with it.

      http://static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/13/138522/3777469-9168914783-melis.gif

      • Todd Allis

        Not even the Lord of Light can make him President.

    • Ted.OR

      He’s like a durian… You look at the outside, and think that maybe you should stay away. Then you look inside, and REALLY dislike what is there.

      NB – My sincerest apologies to durian lovers. I never developed the taste.

      • seant426

        Durian? You learn something P.U. everyday.

      • NZArtist

        I’ve tried it – when I was in Singapore for awhile.
        Tastes like savoury peaches. Smells like shit. Seriously and literally, it smells like shit. There are ‘durian-free-zones’ where you’re not allowed to eat the fruit.
        Oh, and the burps… You do *not* want to burp in an enclosed hot car after eating durian fruit. Really and honestly, you don’t.

        • bsinps

          Completely agree with you.

        • Mark

          Tried it in Bali a few years ago – yup smells like shit – chicken shit smells better than durian does.

        • Gene

          one of the tastiest fruits on earth…had durian ice cream when in malaysia…heavenly. Smelled like a mixture of shit and decomposing human flesh…
          held nose…had two
          worse story that than. A guy used to sit in the sauna of my old gym and eat tangerines. messy…kind of weird.
          Then…he brought in the pieces of darian.
          the place would not have cleared out faster if it had been in FIRE

          • bsinps

            Decomposing human flesh and ship is a pretty accurate description. I agree it’s taste is delicious but getting past the smell is monumental 😤

          • David

            But….
            “Decomposing human flesh & shit, with a hint of warm throw up”…….Sounds like the perfect description of Ted Cruz.

          • bsinps

            Couldn’t agree more

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          • David

            and don’t forget it’s hint of warm throw-up….

          • bsinps

            Got it

        • Ted.OR

          I was always told that if you could force yourself to eat it three times, then you would love it. Therein was my problem — my stomach could only take it two times. But if I had just tried it that third time…

          • bsinps

            Understandably. I from Hawaii originally and neighbors used to have a huge tree. They planted it thinking they could sell the fruit at there roadside fruit stand. Unfortunately it kept most customers away. So the fruit would fall to the ground and brake open and smell up the whole neighborhood. The neighbors short of rioting, pitched in monies so they could finally cut the tree down, to the relief of all who lived nearby. Including my family.

          • Brian Burleson

            I’very always thought it strange that a person has to learn to like something like food and/or drink. I recall when I was younger having someone buy me a Chivas on the rocks. I tried it and didn’t particularly like it. He told me that I would learn to like it. Hell, I all ready liked gin so why bother. This fruit sounds about the same, imo. There are a few things containing alcohol that I like, no need to learn how to like something else.

          • Ted.OR

            With me it was yogurt. It was many many moons ago, and even though tv celebrities talked about it, the only offerings were at most half a shelf in the dairy case. One day on a lark, I bought a container. “Apple spice” YUCKKKKK!!! A week or so later, I thought that well, let me try it again. In about three months, I was hooked.

        • skeptical_inquirer

          In some countries, they’re banned from both hotels and buses. The smell lingers. I will always wonder who was the first person who ate it despite the stench. Perhaps it was someone whose sense of smell was completely dead.

          There is a folk belief that drinking booze and eating durian is a bad for one’s health. I don’t know of a scientific study that proves or disproves this.

        • Raising_Rlyeh

          I had heard it tastes like Custard.

          • NZArtist

            You’ll just have to try it for yourself and make up your own mind.
            After all, how do you know you’re gay if you haven’t had sex with a woman. Or something….

        • Reality Check

          Ok, this is a faulty analogy. Durian is called the “king of fruits” for all of its great health properties plus it my fiance’s (Vietnamese American) favorite and I have grown to love it especially after traveling to Asia. Durian might be a pungent to noise but it sweet to the taste. Do any of these characteristics match with Ted Criz – fruity, pungent (yes), “king of fruits”, sweet to the taste (like hell no)?

      • Cattleya1

        I have found that about 25% of people get really excited about durian, because it tickle the pleasure centers in those brains. But, I think that Cruz is more like pig shit – yeah, there are some strange ones who are likely to get excited, but normal people will likely realize that this is something that belongs in a compost pile far, far away.

      • bsinps

        Durian is also stinks, kind of like Cruz and his dreams of world domination

      • Michael Rush

        I bought some durian candies when i was exploring a
        korean ( ? ) grocery store ,
        it tastes like licking an oil stain in a parking lot .

        • Ted.OR

          The candies, cookies, cakes, etc. in the Asian markets are a good “gentle” introduction to the, uh, wonder of durian. At least they give you an idea what the real thing is like.

          • skeptical_inquirer

            Yes, try those first before eating the real thing. I’ve heard “kind” descriptions being something like sweet custard mixed with onion with a bad stink.

          • bsinps

            The texture and flavor are somewhat like custard

      • Todd Allis

        I tried a bite of dehydrated durian once. I doubt I will try it again. “The smell evokes reactions from deep appreciation to intense disgust, and has been described variously as almonds, rotten onions, turpentine, raw sewage, and gym socks.” –Wikipedia

        • bsinps

          Yes I’ve heard gym socks many times, I’ll take gym socks before durian.

      • Gest2016

        Durian makes me wretch. Just like Cruz does.

      • ChadSF

        Bwahaha!! Best description I’ve ever read about this utter creep of a guy and no need to apologize. I grew up around Durian and durian products, and I never liked it.

    • KCMC
    • Diogenes Onionpants

      Apparently, he hasn’t changed. His Princeton freshman roommate frequently tweets about him. My favorite:

      “As a freshman, I would get into senior parties because I was Ted’s roommate. OUT OF PITY. He was that widely loathed. It’s his superpower.”

      http://www.dailydot.com/lol/ted-cruz-college-roommate-craig-mazin-2016/

    • Steverino

      Megalomaniacs are like that.

    • Gene

      he comes across as so…..oily. At least Trump, jerk that he is, seems to really be showing us who he is (it aint pretty). Cruz like elmer gantry meets Gordon Gecco meets hannible lector….all the while having his dad get the pentecostals ready to receive him as the savior of western civilization.
      he is the LEAST attractive men in every way I have ever read of.

    • JT

      And he still has a tiny dick.

    • Practice?

  • This is just RICH.

  • Gustav2

    He looked in the mirror every morning and thought that it was possible to be in the movies?

    • seant426

      Yeah, as Grandpa in The Munsters.

      • Lumpy Gaga

        Lily.

  • Herald

    He has not changed much, still pursuing the same plan personal riches, power and domination over everyone else.

    • teeveedub

      I find it somewhat ironic that, for all his desire to rule the world, everyone who has ever come in contact with him seems to hate him. I cannot imagine him having to actually make a living in the business world (except on some obscure used car lot on the outskirts of a small Texas town). Lucky for him to have a Goldman Sachs spouse and a country full of religious bumpkins who will pay him way too many $$$ for speaking fees.

  • rusty57

    Isn’t the every 18 year old boy’s dream?
    Run the world to suit their untested adolescent self to prove to daddy they can.
    And tits. Tits and ass everlasting. Amen.

    • LonelyLiberal

      Vagelujah!

    • bkmn

      For Ted it was tits, ass and a very nice income. Having a spouse that works for Goldman Sachs has its rewards.

      • lymis

        Hopefully, her childhood dreams involved ending up with an ass as well.

    • Hue-Man

      T&A played no role in my 18 y.o. dreams! Rien n’a changé.

      • lymis

        Well, for a certain value of “tits.” Ass certainly played a significant role in my 18 year old dreams.

        No women were involved in the making of my dreams.

        • another_steve

          “No women were involved in the making of my dreams.”

          Every gay boy has/had the fantasy of pushing aside the girlfriend of his fantasy boyfriend, and running away with him.

          You too.

          Admit it.

      • Joseph Miceli

        Pecs and butts?

      • rusty57

        How about these tits and that ass?

        • another_steve

          I like it, but I need confirmation that he would remember the anniversary of my mama’s passing.

          • rusty57

            I fear you will be disappointed, Mr. Matuzsak’s strictly ornamental.

        • Dagoril

          Yes please. Over and over again. 😉

  • dcurlee

    Those good christian values in action

  • DaddyRay

    Raffel Cruz when asked at the end of the video if he thought Ted was going to rule the world one day responds “I Hope Not”.

    His father knew back then

  • Michael Rush

    Wow he was just like Jesus even back then .

    • DaddyRay

      Yup, everyone knows Jesus wanted to be in Teen Tit Films

      • lymis

        Well, he grew up to hang out with prostitutes and tax collectors. In context, not all that different.

        I think his motives were a bit different, though.

    • Anastasia Beaverhousen

      Or Madonna, “I have the same goal I’ve had ever since I was a girl. I want to rule the world.”

      • Michael Rush

        If you find a Ted Cruz coffee table book called ” SEX ” leave it in the shrink wrap ..

        • Joseph Miceli

          That was brilliant! Wish I’d thought of it!

    • kaydenpat

      If Jesus was an egomaniac.

  • bkmn

    Hard to say who was creepier back then, Ted or daddy.

    • DaddyRay

      Hard to tell today as well – things never change

      • Phil2u

        “Plus ca change, plus ca se ressemble.”

    • Gianni

      I find dad to be way creepier, but Ted is the bigger danger. Daddy isn’t running for Prez.

  • NZArtist

    Now, now… we shouldn’t hold what we said as an 18 year old against our adult selves. I was a complete wanker at 18. However it’s important to note that I grew out of it. What’s more interesting is not what his 18 year old self is saying, so much as how Cruz is still acting like the self-entitled prick he was at 18.

    • seant426

      I never behaved that way when 18. Youth is not an excuse for being vile.

      • Joseph Miceli

        I was a HORRIBLE person until It hit age 26. At 51, I sometimes have a random flashback to those times and I just cringe.

        There is no excuse for being a terrible person, but sometimes people change. Ted obviously has not.

        • Sporkfighter

          I disagree. Cruz has gotten worse.

          • kaydenpat

            And that’s saying a lot.

          • Joseph Miceli

            True. Now he has the power to reach more people than he had at 18. Subsequently, he can ruin more people’s lives.

        • NZArtist

          50yo here. I know exactly what you mean. There are times I almost collapse in shame at the things my pre-30yo self did. At school I was such an arse. At my first job I was such an arse. In my 20’s I was a complete arse.
          I expect, when I’m 90, I’ll look back at my today-self and think what a complete arse I was.
          What I honestly don’t get is how some people try to excel the arseholism of their youth. While I may still be an arsehole in my 50’s, at least I’m making a conscious effort to be less of an arse to those around me than I was. How is it people like Cruz, Trump et al seem to revel in being a greater arse, day by day?

          • Joseph Miceli

            Part of growing older is, hopefully, continuing to improve each day. Apparently Ted doesn’t consider his lack of empathy or ethics to flaws that need improving.

      • NZArtist

        No, but being raised in a toxic environment possibly is. His father is bug-shit crazy.
        The idea is that once you mature and leave home you evaluate the crazy things your parents forced onto you. It’s up to you to keep the things you want to define ‘you’, and discard the crazy things you don’t want.
        Cruz has chosen to retain the self-entitled craziness and general arseholery. The man you see today is who he is by conscious choice: an arsehole.

      • Todd20036

        I was far too naive for my own good at 18. Other than that, I am basically the same person at 47.

        But I’m still a nerd who likes cartoons and video games.

        • Joseph Miceli

          I was a slutty, catty barfly who had a vicious, but extremely witty, thing to say about everyone around me. I was always drunk, always had a cigarette in my hand and my clothing was always too tight. What a mess!

          Now in my 50’s I don’t smoke, drink responsibly and work out regularly. I try to make people smile and try to help the kids at work learn and move up in the company. I’m known as the responsible one in the family! What a strange 180 degree turn I made. If I can do it, anyone can! (Of course, when I DO get bitchy it is “take no prisoners.” Just ask Trolita!

      • BudClark

        I didn’t haveTIME to be vile … I was too busy preparing for a career in church music in conservatory … my back to this DAY requires additional surgery from those 16-hour days.

        I also WORKED at REAL jobs (like filling the oil tankers at the Standard Oil Depot) from the time I was TWELVE.

        Didn’t matter that my mother OWNED the depot (Daddy died when I was seven) … I was still expected to deposit a paycheck from my church organ job AND my Standard Oil job every week.

        The ONLY people I have ever been RUDE to are anti-gay people. THEY can tongue my UNWASHED queer ass until it SPARKLES .

    • Chris Baker

      Agreed. I was pretty dumb in HS (but far from arrogant) and cringe over what I thought and did. So glad Facebook and digital media didn’t exist back then.

      This will all be brushed off by Cruz supporters with “that was before he found the Lord.”

    • Dramphooey

      For what it’s worth while I do oppose Cruz as President of the USA I have no problems with him as President of USA Up All Night.

    • Gerry Fisher

      Good way to frame it.

  • Bluto

    raphael makes it so easy.

    • bkmn

      Jr. or Sr.?

      • Bluto

        yes.

  • McShane

    Well, he was the Drama Club President in High School.

    • bsinps

      His nose matured to be more pointed

      • Gianni

        I also noticed that. Could that be a factor in why his voice now sounds like he’s speaking from his nose?

        • bsinps

          I’m not sure, but possibly. I know it made him look like Gramps Munster LOL

      • no, it just looked different then b/c it was before all the cool kids who hated him punched him the face as they threw him out of their parties.

      • Phil2u

        …his head, too, I think.

        • bsinps

          You’re absolutely right LOL 😃😃😃

        • kaydenpat

          Love the comments! Y’all are so cruel.

      • teeveedub

        Didn’t you ever read Pinocchio?

        • bsinps

          I have read it

      • bambinoitaliano

        I don’t think his face done growing yet. It’s just taking a pause and contemplating where to next.

    • TuuxKabin

      Sam Kalidi? Is that you?

      • JCF

        Hmmm. Is it time to ask someone here to “Take One For the Team”? [For the sake of a GLORIOUS public outing?]

      • Piercedchrlz

        Well, religion is theater.

    • Ted.OR

      I wonder which of his two high schools that was from — Second Baptist School, or Faith West Academy.

      • BudClark

        Something that matters NOTHING to ANYBODY except Organ Queens: 2nd Baptist Church in Houston has one of the largest CHURCH pipe organs in the US, but I don’t know if it’s currently playable or not.

        The church signed with RODGERS, who is more a builder of ELECTRONIC organs, because Rodgers (allegedly) possesses all of the late G. Donald Harrison’s pipe scales and shop notes from Aeolian-Skinner when he was head of that firm.

        Anyway, the Second Baptist organ failed BIG-TIME at the dedication recital / service … as I recall, the memories and pistons blanked out, and with an organ of over 200 stops, it’s virtually IMPOSSIBLE to play it without SOME kind of preset memory system to move the stops.

        So … that basically tells us he’s a SIZE QUEEN .

        • Ted.OR

          Would love to have been there at the failure. Not that I revel at such misfortunes, but I would just want to hear their explanation as to why The Lord Almighty let them down at such a time.

    • agcons

      Clearly this photo was taken before people used the corners of his eyes to hang their umbrellas.

    • PLAINTOM

      ” Sound of Music ” cast member, I will assume he played a Nazi.

      • Nazi #2.

      • Beagle

        And in Oliver! Bill Sykes?

    • TrollopeReader

      obviously Costuming must’ve hated him, as his collar is all whacked out …in… etc ….

      • bsinps

        LOL 😃

    • Guess

      Oliver cast: “MORE? You want MORE?”

    • And so was I, along with being a double-bar Thespian. I also have 40 years in theatre, 34 in drag, and 42 years of experience in vocal music…
      … obviously artistic talent does not confer humanity, humility, common sense, or a sense of responsibility for your fellow man upon everyone. Samuel Clemens is a national treasure, but it didn’t stop him from being an abrasive, loud, foul-mouthed jackass. Still, I’d rather have him back any day!

      • Lumpy Gaga

        Samuel Clemens is a national treasure, but it didn’t stop him from being an abrasive, loud, foul-mouthed jackass.

        I know but did you see his shirtless pic in that tl;dr Twain biography? Gurl. [fans self]

        • Anastasia Beaverhousen

          Cruz is a national treasure. Let’s bury him.

    • bsinps

      He has that Damien look about him

      • McShane

        100%. He’s so repugnant. Just the sound of his voice makes me wonder if all my doors and windows are locked. Just in case… he’s out there standing in the dark, being all creepy. I honestly wouldn’t put it past him. 😉

        • bsinps

          Yes, I feel the same way. There is something very evil about him. When I here him speak I cringe. The feeling is like the internal fear I felt when I saw War of The Worlds for the first time as a child. It took me weeks to get over it, thinking it was real. 😕

      • Joseph Miceli
        • bsinps

          So perfect

    • zhera

      I don’t trust people who don’t let their smile reach their eyes. I’ve never seen Cruz do that.

  • Mike C

    He’s a Christian first, a teen tit movie star second….

  • Bill

    It’s comforting to know that even at 18, he had the world’s most punchable face.

    I’ll bet he washes that face with a douche, too.

  • another_steve

    HE’S FORGIVEN!! HE’S FORGIVEN!! PRAISE THE LORD!!

    (signed, Kim Davis)

    • That_Looks_Delicious

      Is Davis her married name? (Hard to ask that question with a “straight” face.)

      • another_steve

        Yes.

        Her maiden name was Kim Beelzebub.

      • bsinps

        It’s hard to tell. She’s had 4 married names. Oops, that’s 3 married names, she married one husband twice

      • Joseph Miceli

        Kim’s porn name is “Kim Chi.”

  • That_Looks_Delicious

    More of this stuff will come trickling out. Trump can afford the best research teams.

    • TuuxKabin

      I only watched it once and I can not tell if it is a pro or con ad for or against his campaign. Who is sponsoring this?

    • TampaDink

      Now that Trump has pulled his research teams off of their Hawaii investigations, I guess they can now focus on the Canadian Cuban.

  • Andrew M Svec

    agreed that we should not hold what someone says at age 18 as indicative of one’s current self; however the attitude that is conveyed certainly seems unchanged when compared to his recent speaking behavior… one word comes immediately to mind: smarmy …also unctuous

    • another_steve

      ^^Is that polite speak for “He can go fuck himself”?

      • Andrew M Svec

        face punchable…

        • Lionel Leston

          Backpfeifengesicht, as Germans might say.

  • Michael M

    I am ashamed to admit… I think he once looked kind of cute.

    • another_steve

      Ain’t it a shame… the effect that internal evil has on the complexion, over the years.

      • Michael M

        That is so true.

    • seant426

      Let us know how that cataract surgery goes.

    • fuzzybits
      • another_steve

        Who is that?

        And is he free this coming Saturday night?

        • fuzzybits

          It’s a young Joe Biden.

          • another_steve

            No!!! lol.

            Boy is good-looking to this day…but back then, grr!!!!

          • guest

            Remember, it was Howard Dean and his 50 state strategy that Obama used and plugged into that gave wins in some unexpected states.

            I am sure a young Howard Dean, with the perfect amount of chest hair would give Joe Biden a run for his money.

            Then again, the young of the Democrats always look better than the young of the right.

            I even tossed in an older Joe Biden and of course JFK Jr.

          • another_steve

            Nice collection of photos. Thanks.

            I’m glad Howard Dean has emerged as an elder spokesman for the party. He’s smart, articulate and not afraid to call it like he sees it. His own (flop of a) presidential run gives him insights into the campaign process that few have or are willing to talk about.

            (And oh yes… those dreamy Kennedy boys…)

      • Michael M

        Amen, brother.

  • Dale Snyder

    For those of you “he was just 18” folks: my father was an educator. He died of a particularly nasty form of cancer just after my 18th birthday. My answer to that question was, back then, to help everyone gain a proper education at the university level. Indeed, I taught “baby calculus” as a grad student and found it amazing just to instill knowledge on kids just younger than I. This man was nothing short of an arrogant punk at my age, and he is nothing short of a vile, hateful disgrace today.

  • Wynter Marie Starr

    Too bad he never grew up.

    • David Walker

      It’s the old Peter Pan thing: “I won’t grow up.”

      • Wynter Marie Starr

        It certainly is.

  • Alan43

    “Is that like sweat on my butt?”

    Seems like his sense of humor was just as bad back then…

    • Robincho

      If El Gran Padre had been within earshot, tell me he wouldn’t have drop-kicked Rafael’s pimply ass into the next province…

    • Lumpy Gaga

      In his defense, his johns would giggle at anything he said. Not used to tough rooms.

  • Dreaming Vertebrate

    So, …. diabolical psychopath, or Stewie Griffin’s lost twin?

    • Princess Lardass

  • j.martindale
  • LonelyLiberal

    Do they let Canadians star in American sex films? The ladies might end up with anchor babies or something.

  • MSW

    Father time has been absolutely brutal on him and it’s delightful

    • LonelyLiberal

      Well, I wouldn’t say brutal because Mother Nature wasn’t that great to him in the first place. Fuckable, maybe, if I had enough booze and it was 2 AM.

      • MSW

        Agreed, She made him fuckable but FT took a big ole steaming dump on him

      • another_steve

        Oh come on, girl.

        You and I shagged much worse than that, back in the day.

        • William

          No comment.

          • another_steve

            “By his silence shall ye know him.”

        • LonelyLiberal

          I was drunk, I don’t remember anything.

          • another_steve

            I met my man when we were both drunk. At a dance of the Gay Activists Alliance of NYC. Wooster Street, Manhattan.

            1974.

            We’ll be celebrating our 42nd anniversary, this March.

            Give me a shout-out…old NYC fags reading here.

          • Jimmie Z

            WOOT!

          • zhera

            I was six months old.

            Congrats on finding a good man and keeping him. It’s not easy.

      • And very dark, with just his ass facing you, he would be do-able.

        • LonelyLiberal

          As long as he dear-God kept his mouth shut.

          • Yeah, the moment he spoke, all desire would evaporate. Maybe employ a ball gag, or keep his mouth busy with someone else?

      • agcons

        But before the ugly lights come on.

  • MikeBx2

    Today more than ever, teenagers should take note. Whatever you record and share with even one person will follow you the rest of your life.

    • safari2bongaloo

      I honestly think everyone has so much online baggage that it won’t matter much in the future.

      • MikeBx2

        Haha! You may be right but as long as there’s politics, opponents will always be looking to dig up dirt.

        • lymis

          True, but eventually, it’s going to be like trying to slur your opponent with “Look how he dressed in the 70’s!”

          Remember how they tried to derail Obama with allegations of his teen drug use – the drugs he described using in his own autobiography?

          It doesn’t really count as dirt when you publish it yourself.

        • Robincho

          I said farewell to my presidential aspirations the day they released the movie “Cabin Boys On Dick”, with me co-starring as the First Mate. Oh well… it was SO worth it!…

          • MikeBx2

            You’d get my vote because of that, not in spite of it!

          • Robincho

            Too bad some of the furtive scenes amidships hit the cutting-room floor… It felt to me as those were especially moving…

    • another_steve

      It’s worse than that.

      I assume that when I piss in, say, a restaurant men’s room, video of it may appear on YouTube in a half hour.

      • MikeBx2

        That is so true. I’m afraid the days of presumed privacy are gone.

      • LonelyLiberal

        It did,

    • ErikDC

      The first presidential candidate who has a dick pic leaked publicly will be in for it, but I expect eventually it will become routine.

      • Joseph Miceli

        God bless that trailblazer, Anthony Wiener!

        /snark

  • shellback

    • What the hell is that thing?

      • another_steve

        My man (he’s the cook in our household) made (or at least, tried to make) some kind of fancy souffle for dinner the other night — and I swear, it looked just like that.

        • William

          Get out and don’t look back!

        • shellback

          Dear Another_Steve, I regret that I will be unable to accept your invitation to dinner. Maybe we could do lunch … at a restaurant.

          • another_steve

            Look…all queer men in relationships know that their men mean well. Even when their men are…umm…operating above their natural abilities.

            We love them nevertheless.

            Our beautiful, beautiful men. 😉

          • David Walker

            We also learn to live our garbage disposals. Now if there could just be one that doesn’t make so much noise.

          • another_steve

            Such an apt metaphor, as it pertains to men.

            As one approaches death, the wisdom lens appears.

          • shellback

            “We love them nevertheless.” We certainly do.

          • TuuxKabin

            Me and my hunka bunka man will drink to that!

            And to everyone who has a beautiful woman!

        • Dear god! Did you eat it?

          • another_steve

            One does all manner of awful thing in the name of love, hon.

            Yes, I ate it.

            And I told him it was wonderful.

          • Hubby was forced into cooking for the family when I was quite ill. And yes I ate what he cooked even though he had only 3 things he could reliably make. Scrambled eggs, spaghetti, and a loose meat sandwich. I swear I got better to save myself from yet another loose meat sandwich.

      • Roy Biv

        Donald Trump without the possum on his head.

      • KnownDonorDad

        In all seriousness, it’s a blobfish.

        • another_steve

          No.

          Really?

          I could google, but I’m too drunk.

          • Bad Tom

            Yes.

            Although there’s only the one. And part of his look comes from being forcibly hauled to the surface from the deep sea in a net. It turns out this was not good for him.

            Behold the Blobfish

          • TuuxKabin

            It sure wasn’t a good thing for him. Jeeze, poor thing.

        • Damn! That is one ugly fish! But thanks for telling me, now I can look it up.

      • GayOldLady

        That is Todd Starnes on a hot day.

        • That_Looks_Delicious

          +1000

      • dcurlee

        Looks like Cruz dad … With better teeth

      • The Trump Chia tchotchke.

      • TampaDink

        If it had any hair it’d be a St. Bernard.
        ~Ouiser Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias

        • Dan Robinson

          If it had hair it would be Todd Starnes.

          • TampaDink

            After misplacing his glasses.

      • bsinps

        I believe that is a Monk fish. Also know as poor man’s lobster.

        • tcinsf

          Nah, it’s a blobfish. Seriously … it looks like that because it’s a deep see fish and it decompresses poorly.

          • bsinps

            Yes I realized that after I posted. Thanks. My bad 😮

          • tcinsf

            Yeah, monkfish are ugly but tasty as hell. My understanding is that blobfish have no meat at all, just some gelatinous … well… blobs…..

    • Dan Robinson

      Here’s one swimming. Looks much better swimming.

      http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xi14j9_blobfish_animals

  • ByronK

    Who knew that years later, his desire for a teen tit video would become an endorsement from Palin.

  • Merv99

    I’m not going to hate someone for saying stupid things as a teenager, but can I hate him for still having the same annoying voice?

  • MonochromeMouse

    i despise ted cruz and his politics but to be fair all teenagers are little douchebags

    • Steve Teeter

      Not me. I was too shy and introverted (and closeted) to be a douchebag. Though I knew some. It seems that if you attain the high honor and privilege of being “popular,” being a douchebag just goes along with the job.

  • Robert Conner

    Ugly even as a kid.

  • KnownDonorDad
    • Princess Lardass

      Thanks for the link and the interesting read. Someone who behaves like that has NO place in the White House (and I mean as pres, veep, cabinet member, or simply a guest).

  • William

    Can you say ‘sociopath’ boys and girls?

    • TrollopeReader

      ‘sociopath = cruz, ted aka raphael, jr.’

  • Is it time for me to change my Ted Cruz blog? I have left it alone since March. http://www.tedcruzblog.com All suggestions are welcome.

  • Roy Biv

    “teen tit film” — these heterosexuals are immoral and pervert traditional relationships.

  • Roy Biv

    Teen tit film is the obvious evolution of the more traditional binders full of women.

  • 2amor

    I really do think Ted Cruz was born an asshole….

    • Homo Erectus

      D’ya think it wasn’t a choice?

  • He thought he was so clever acting as though he didn’t know what the word aspirations meant, and using it to say ass. Oh, look at him pretend to be a bad ass, he said ass on film! To claim he wants to star in a titty movie, yeah that didn’t ring true.

    Ya remember the kids who tried to hard to make people like them? Who would copy the popular kids outfits down to their socks, but on them it just looked wrong? Thats who Cruz-ty reminds me of.

    • another_steve

      All young and healthy people think dirty. It’s only natural. Then comes institutional religion, which fucks up the whole process. Makes you think that thinking dirty is wrong. Evil. “Ungodly.”

      I try to think dirty as often as possible.

      My thyroid hormone replacement medication (a dosage so high that I don’t think the FDA has even approved it yet) does not yet allow the dirty thoughts to work on me — but I and the hubby are working on it.

      • I agree that all kids think of sex nearly constantly, and thats the way it should be. But even as an 18 year old, it just didn’t ring true with him.

        Your thyroid levels must have been invisible! Keep working on those dirty thoughts, one of them will sneak thru!

        • TuuxKabin

          Upvoting you Sage of the internet. And for somebody who loves and has a dog named Sage, I mean it sincerely.

    • TrollopeReader

      no matter how hard you try, (not *you*, biki !) it’s not easy trying to be preppy …it’s a lifestyle. Same with being “hip” or Southern, etc ….

      everyone knew he was a wise-ass from north of the border ….

      • Honestly, its hard to pull off a living a fake lifestyle. Which could be the answer to why so many people in Hollywood and the Capital turn to drugs, drink and extreme dieting. They are trying to quell their inner self screaming in agony.

        • Octavio

          I would advise him to turn to drugs. Couldn’t hurt.

          • TrollopeReader

            i guess it depends on whether he has insurance or not ….though wife Heidi may have realized she needs a private supply …

      • Steve Teeter

        Preppy? You have to read the manual.

    • BearEyes

      very 3rd grade of him. Shows a lack of emotional development.

  • Eww. I just threw up in my mouth.

  • Tigernan Quinn

    In 1988 I am living in the Montrose in a cardboard box, selling my ass. And Ted Cruz is mere miles away, doing….this.

    • Jimmie Z

      However, on the other hand, look how well *YOU* turned out!

      • Tigernan Quinn

        I could take that either way. 😉

    • Homo Erectus

      Was he selling his ass too?

      • Tigernan Quinn

        How would I know? Are you interested or something?

  • TrollopeReader

    Does this mean he’ll pick Gov. Fuxabee as his veep …. like minds, desires, and all …??

    • KnownDonorDad

      Talk about the worst of all possible worlds.

      • TrollopeReader

        well, it could prevent Sen. Frothy-Mix from being in the cabinet … Southern Baptists values vs. Catholic … also not a winning combo …

  • At least his father fixed those fucking gnarly teeth.

    • I bet his fix was a full set of dentures.

  • kaydenpat

    Was always a douche. Wow.

  • jerry

    Most of us stupid stuff when we were 18 (my teens lasted until 35), but I wasn’t an asshole to everyone I met (maybe just the Republicans and/or fundamentalists) or didn’t have empathy for others. These people don’t seem to develop into rational adults (kind of like the Ayn Rand worshipers).

    • jerry

      And I still think Ayn Rand was a communist plot…her version of capitalism and objectivism were so cartoonish, it could’ve been written by the Soviet propaganda machine.

      • Lumpy Gaga

        I have similar feelings about Trump’s political career sometimes, but look how THAT’s turned out.

        Any rational person would say he’s been trying hard for months to get out of this particular marathon episode of “Punk’d”. Palin was supposed to be a nuclear option.

      • TuuxKabin

        Ayn Rand was Ronald Reagan in drag.

        • Porkie

          (Close – Ronald Regan was Ayn Rand in drag).

      • BobSF_94117

        There’s a niche in American politics for the cartoonish woman.

        • jerry

          On the GOP side: Schlafly, Palin, Fiorina, Ayn Rand…they have cartoonish women in abundance.

      • jerry

        And that’s my conspiracy theory and I’m sticking with it.

  • sw42

    He’s dreamy.

    • David Walker

      Agreed…if you like nightmares.

      • Homo Erectus

        Shoulda read down…

    • LonelyLiberal

      Disjointed, incoherent, and something you want gone when you wake up? Agreed.

    • Octavio

      Delirious, Reptilian, Evil, Assnine, Malevolent, and generally Yucky. DREAMY

      • GanymedeRenard

        Deranged, Revolting, Egotistic, Mephistophelean and Yokelish.

    • Homo Erectus

      Nightmares are dreams too, ya know?

      • sw42

        I was being too dry. Yes, that’s what I meant.

  • houstonray

    Creepy then…creepy now. There is just something about him that makes my skin crawl…sure, there are a lot of politicians I don’t like but with him it’s on a different level.

  • ScottinPhilly

    I listened twice and did not hear any sign of a southern accent. Not surprising since nothing about Cruz is genuine.

  • Lumpy Gaga

    Preachers’ kids: can’t live with ’em, can’t send ’em to prison.

    • No, but you can send ’em other places.
      …I hear Hell is particularly nice this time of year.

  • safari2bongaloo

    All I can think about is this is the creature who would spread a greasy-residue whenever he’d touch things that his roommate called Cruhz (rhymes with scuzz)

  • Bj Lincoln

    Most 18 year olds don’t behave like that when you point a camera at the. He was an ass then and is an ass now. I’m sure he thinks he has been forgiven but it does seem to the kind of person he is. The problem is he is well on his way to the power he craves. That is scary.

    • Steve Teeter

      Being forgiven by God does not imply being forgiven by us. We are free to call him an unctuous, arrogant, power-hungry, fuck-headed prick if we want to.

  • Taleisin

    ..

    • anne marie in philly

      dingdingding, comment of the day!

    • LonelyLiberal

      Starts as Stewie, ends as boobie. Love.

    • Necessitas

      Well, two out of three ain’t bad.

  • Acronym Jim

    I didn’t think it was possible, teenage Ted Cruz inspires the same impulses as Martin Shkreli…

    And they ain’t happy ones.

  • Randy503

    Good Christian upbringing, that boy….

  • Octavio

    One thing in his favor is that he’s consistent. He was an asshole as a teen/college student and he’s an asshole as an adult.

    • TuuxKabin

      Guess he learned back then, if he can’t be loved, he’d be feared.

      Works for me. I get nothing but fear from him.

    • Homo Erectus

      Apologies to assholes with personalities.

  • JVB

    Wow, stay classy there Ted Cruz.

  • HAAAAAAA

    And this was the answer to Ted’s application for a part in a porn video………..
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZaIqtLWAOw

  • hdtex

    If only I had the gift of time travel, to go back to 1988 and give this little prick the between class beat down he so richly deserves.

  • ExGayTherapyKills

    If that is what Christians teach in their schools then it is no wonder that the Catholics are teaching the priest to be pedophiles.

  • So, he’s always been a creepy jerk. Got it.

  • bob

    Trump and cruz have similar goals. They BOTH gotta go ! And take the rest of the republican candidates with them.

  • j.martindale
  • Jean-Marc in Canada

    Even back then, he was a megalomaniacal asshole………how charming.

  • Mark

    And don’t you know he thought he was so fuckin arrogantly coy back then?….Just like today.

  • Lakeview Bob

    S’funny how stupid teenagers can grow up to be stupid adults. Good going Rafael.

  • LovesIrony

    I live close to Iowa, I just saw dweeb! commercial, that fuck has the nerve to show Terri Shiavo. Fuck you jeb bush you exploitative piece of shit.

    • zhera

      The cathoholics love that story. ‘Life’ at all cost, making Jeeziz happy.

      • Homo Erectus

        If you can call it life.

        • zhera

          ‘Life’.

    • TampaDink

      I hope that Michael Schiavo sues the mother fucker.

    • Ninja0980

      Yup, nothing says small government like making medical decisions for someone else because you don’t like their choice.

    • Dramphooey

      That’s sickening. Was it paid for by Right Of My Gorge to Rise?

  • Jean-Marc in Canada

    I just had to….

  • aar9n

    Ah a man after Jesus’s own heart

    • Max_1

      He’s more of an Incan Shaman…
      … He’d rather eat it, still warm.

    • Lumpy Gaga

      For him to poop on!

  • Max_1

    Rule the world…

  • Sam_Handwich

    somewhere there must be pictures of Cruz in a hotel room full of dildos

    • Homo Erectus

      ..

      • Helen Damnation ✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ

        Check Facebook for a gentleman who goes by
        “Moe Porne”; I’m pretty sure he found the bag.

      • Dan Robinson

        Do ya s’pose that number is still Dave’s?
        Asking for a friend…

        • Homo Erectus

          I ain’t callin’.

  • mizzourah

    That dangerous refugee terrorist Rafael Cruz Sr makes a creepy appearance, too

  • As much of a complete putz Ted Cruz is he is very bright — and managed to get into Princeton and Harvard Law. He is not stupid. He is just pure evil incarnate and must not be underestimated.

    • Helen Damnation ✓ᵛᵉʳᶦᶠᶦᵉᵈ

      And for those few Democrats who say they refuse to vote for HRC, I say fuck off. This monster is the nightmare we will ALL be stuck with. Now is the time to commit to voting BLUE in 2016.

    • Porkie

      I have to politely disagree; some highly intelligent people can be remarkably stupid when it comes to common sense or emotional intelligence – dealing with people, knowing how they will react or how they will feel, how to guide or manupulate them. All the things that you need as a politician.
      Yup I think that Ted Cruz is pretty supid.

      • Yeah, thanks for the clarification! I hate the guy btw he is a total sob.

  • Dot Beech

    He had a jaw line then. Interesting. Where’d it go?

    • Lindoro Almaviva

      Same place his tits go.

  • John T

    The silver lining to Ted Cruz’s campaign is that by the time it’s all over everyone in the US will have learned the meaning of the German word Backpfeifengesicht: a face that is begging to be punched.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_w7E9k9aZ9w

    • Sam_Handwich

      i think i got it .. backpackindisease

      • TuuxKabin

        Stress the ‘duh’ in disease . . . backpackingduhsease.

    • Lindoro Almaviva

      I was a little slower than 20 years ago, when I could sight read German and pass a diction class in no time flat; but I got that pronunciation with no help from YT.

  • bdsmjack

    I hope they turn this vid into a commercial. “I’m Hillary Clinton, and I approve this message.”

  • BobSF_94117

    “No no, oh I see, what you want me to do, what I want to do in life.”

    Sociopath trying to navigate human interaction???

  • Ninja0980

    He was a sociopath even back then.

  • Necessitas

    Maybe this guy still has a chance…

  • marti386

    “Take over the world, world domination, you know, rule everything. Rich, powerful, that sort of stuff”.

    I think every republican within earshot just nutted themselves.

  • abqdan

    Surprise – a pretty ordinary teen. Shame he grew up to be an asshole.

    • Friday

      Uhh…. Seems like he was already an asshole, really.

  • skeptical_inquirer

    Proof that some people will vote for anybody with an (R) after their names.

  • Cuberly

    Heh, amateur.

    What I was doing btwn 16-18. And THIS is supposed to embarrass Teddy?

  • bkmn

    Ted has job skills. There isn’t billionaire that Cruz hasn’t tried to blow.

  • Marides48

    Honestly, I’d hate to have people make judgments about me based on what I said when I was 18 years old (wow, that was 50 years ago). I think the older adult Cruz has said & done enough shit in the last 4 years for me to hate him.

  • Texndoc

    I never bothered to learn about his family but this got me to read a little bit, the story behind his ads with his mom seated on one side and his crazy day on the other is they’re divorced (!) and both parents had previous marriages. He’s got two half sisters from pop and a half-brother from mom’s side who died before he was born. How typical the loon father condemning gays to hell in God’s eyes has two ex-wives.

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  • Blake Jordan

    He has never been attractive, no wonder he is so hateful!!!

    • Joe in PA

      I think it is the other way round Blake…the hate makes him even MORE unattractive. Ugh.

  • Gene Perry

    Most of us were dicks at 18 … and most of us outgrew it.

    • Lindoro Almaviva

      Touché.

  • Gee

    and there are the people on this list at 18 wanted to be Judy Garland / Barbara / CHER/ or Madonna so what

    • Friday

      That’s a far cry from ‘Domination, world domination, and ”teenage tit films’ I think. 🙂 Especially since that still seems to be the agenda. 🙂

      When they asked me at that age, “Where do you see yourself in ten years?” I was like, “Somewhere my accent is charming.” (Cut to ten years later, me remembering that and looking around *Texas,* me: *Dammit.” 🙂 )

  • Happy_Housewife

    He couldn’t even get into First Baptist?

  • Acronym Jim

    He may have wanted to “star in a teen tit film,” but he was actually living a “teen twit film.”

  • Gerry Fisher

    I just had a flashback. I encountered some Young Republican types at Boston University between ’79 and ’83, and Cruz’ posturing here is identical to theirs. The smirk. The lame humor being passed off as being “clever.” The hunger for power (worse…the sense that they felt they were destined for it and entitled to it). Not many people liked these guys. They did tend to wreck havoc with student government, alternative conservative newspapers, and political protests. They were mischievous, in the worst sense of the word.

  • Galvestonian

    forever the asshole…

  • BigGuy

    Cruz would have benefited from losing a pair of fist fights when he was in high school: one, to a Poor kid whose feelings he hurt, and two, to a rich kid who wanted to teach him manners.

    A durian as a metaphor for Cruz’ personality has too many positives considering how Cruz behaves. A durian tastes good, if you don’t smell it. There’s not that much good in Cruz.