bundy5

How About Some Oregon Militia Homoerotic Fan Fiction?

JMG reader Scott points us to the Twitter account of Colin Meloy, lead singer for The Decemberists, who has launched the hilarious hashtag #bundyeroticfanfic. More examples are below.

The Portland Mercury‘s Shelby King plays along: “Hungry and cold, Ammon soon found his limbs entwined with Trevor’s. He was unsure where he ended and Trevor began. ‘It’s for warmth,’ he told himself. He pulled out his Magnum and gripped the barrel, locking eyes with Ammon. Ryan held the cold steel to his brother’s naked flank. Ammon gasped with pleasure and desire.”

  • bkmn

    Oh my!

    • Good Shot Green

      My second favorite Blanche.

    • KCMC

      just one lick
      Kate Kretz “Gunlicker I” acrylic & oil on Gatorboard, 2015

      • Stephen Elliot Phillips

        this should be the main image on the homepage of the NRA website

        • KCMC

          artist releasing series

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          • Wayne Alan Blood

            Good for her. Being an internet hooker is a valid occupation.

      • Good Shot Green

        Why are his teeth translucent purple?

        • Dtek360

          rotted squirrel flesh

        • unsavedheathen

          Tetracycline?

          • Good Shot Green

            Tetracycline is an antibiotic used to treat bacterial infections such as urinary tract infections, chlamydia and acne.

            I wouldn’t want any of those, though my skin hasn’t been perfect since I hit puberty.

          • unsavedheathen

            When it was introduced tetracycline was prescribed to prepubescent children. One unexpected side effect was a permanent discoloration of their teeth.

          • Good Shot Green

            Well that’s unfortunate.

          • Yeah–I have it. When laser teeth bleaching I went in and the dentist explained the permanent stain is permanent.

          • Doc2222

            One word–Krylon Spray Enamel

          • Michael Duca

            That happened to me when I was given it as a baby for a case of bronchitis

        • KrisKrispy

          Licking other people’s pistols.

        • High contrast color choices throughout. A tint purple is the opposite of yellow at least.

        • clay

          too much gun-blue?

        • I am surprised he has teeth, you know most these kinds of men are missing theirs.

          • garrybry

            THAT explains the lack of teeth, lack of nookie but abundance of barrels. . .

        • Asmodeus Mictian

          The bluing on the barrel. 😉

      • KCMC

        Kate Kretz “Gunlicker II” acrylic & oil on Gatorboard

        • OooSillyMe

          That is sooo bad….but I am laughing hysterically at it…..

        • gives new meaning to the term ” BLOW JOB.”

          • KCMC

            oh my oh my oh my

          • Jim Smith

            Only if Job gives consent. You can’t force yourself on him. Lot might get a bit pissed if you take his man though.

          • Took a second to get it.Lot-Job. Not really too religious. And why would I want to force myself of him, I am a woman, for over 62 years and born that way.
            Guess I should put a “Ms.” in front of my post name. It is an Indian name and it confuses many people thinking I am a guy.

        • Oh man…that would make a great illustration for my story!

        • Dan Stach

          Ammosexual!

      • M60A1

        You are this guys bitches.

        • Ragnar Lothbrok

          Get back under your tarp Mr FiniCUM

    • witch

      Lust ……or hot flashes 😀

  • LADY MABELINE

    Tea-Lit 101.

    • Bad Tom

      It’s the only lit they got.

  • Jason Lin

    This is my favorite thing today.

    • Jason Lin

      Finally putting that beard to some good use.

      • Steverino

        Perhaps it means he has two beards: his facial hair, and his wife.

        • bkmn

          ..

          • clay

            Married Men, . . .

            at least they won’t stick around long enough to complain about the cat hair.

          • unsavedheathen

            And they keep their mouths shut. Later.

      • KCMC

        “Ammon cooed into Jed’s ear, his beard entwining itself in Jed’s sweaty sideburns, “sometimes it’s okay to tread on me.”

    • JulieBL

      Mine, too!!

  • Wynter Marie Starr

    LOL, the old hypothermia leading to hot gay sex. It’s a very popular trope.

    Ammon bit his lip and was unable to hold in his groan of pleasure. Dylan’s rough calloused hand felt so good, so right. Dylan’s hard body pressed against his back, a searing hardness …

    • bkmn

      You’ve done this before.

      • Wynter Marie Starr

        LOL, have I?

    • I know a couple of publishers that’d be interested.

      • Wynter Marie Starr

        Oh, not in this, surely. I didn’t even think about it, just wrote two throwaway lines.

        • Bad Tom

          But one line leads to another, and another, and another, and then…
          You have a porn novel.

          • Wynter Marie Starr

            Yes, that’s very true. Maybe I’ll throw together a novella and see if I cal sell it for .99 cents.

          • David Walker

            Well, you know. Cold winter, looking for something to do without going outside. Actually, there is a woman writer of young adult fiction for gay teens. Robin Reardon. She doesn’t write porn, but when things get hot and steamy, it surprises me how good her imagination of teenboy feelings are. Also, the hypothermia meme is an interesting scene in “Latter Days,” a movie from maybe a decade ago. I do like the movie, and the story the one tells is really quite good.

          • Wynter Marie Starr

            Latter Days is one of my favorite movies. It’s romantic, tender, and touching. There’s a lot of writers doing gay romance now. Some of it is written for teens (Yay for gay teens that see themselves reflected), but most of it is written for women, believe it or not. I haven’t read anything by Reardon yet. It’s a market with quite a lot of room for growth. I think young gay and lesbian teens deserve a lot more good fiction aimed directly at their experiences and feeling.

          • David Walker

            Robin has maybe 6 novels now. I visit her website from time to time and get the feeling that she’s a godsend to teen (and older) men and much-loved by teen women. It’s good stuff.

          • Wynter Marie Starr

            I agree, David. I’m going to see if my local library has any of her books and then see if they have a decent YA/LGBT section. I suspect they don’t and I will try and change that.

          • David Walker

            To be honest, I’m surprised at how well the county library system is stocked with YA/LGBT books and “brand name” DVDs. The problem, of course, is getting the kids to get up the courage to face a librarian to check out the books. We do have an anonymous way to check out books within the county system, but if they have to do an inter-library loan request, it has to be checked out by a real person. And, of course, there’s the perennial question: will the kids read?

          • Wynter Marie Starr

            Good point about the kids not wanting to check out the books. Or, they may not want their parents to see. Many libraries now allow you to check out ebooks. Or they have do it yourself check outs, so that might help as well.

            Getting kids to read is a struggle. Some will, but most won’t. It’s one of the reasons I love the Harry Potter books so much. They got kids reading again.

          • perversatile

            This last Christmas, my 3 nieces got their usual new dress up trunk clothing, accessories props (this year’s theme was cowboys, bumble bees, and Downton Abby) and about a hundred organza bags filled with jewel. While my 2 big girls were fighting over who was going to wear what, my baby girl took the box of books (that were for all 3 girls) and hid them with the comment, “these are mine!”

          • Wynter Marie Starr

            The baby reminds me of one of my kids and myself. Kids that appreciate the value of a book are special. I wish that she always has more books than she can read.

            I can’t tell you how many homes I’ve been in where there are no books.

            Also? I love the dress up theme! I also kept a trunk of dress up clothes. Using the imagination will serve your nieces much better in life than only having toys that need batteries or games with rules.

          • perversatile

            Have you heard about Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library? When I saw her on TV talking about giving a child their first book I just about started to cry. I know for a fact that my love of reading was because I was read to when I was a little kid. My Baby Girl niece’s favorite book is,
            “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” I have extra high hopes for that one.

          • Wynter Marie Starr

            The best gift you can give her is a library card. And a shopping spree to a book store. Or, if you live in or have access to a nice neighborhood that does tag sales, give her 20 bucks and let her buy what she wants. You can often find books for a dime or a quarter. And some libraries have sales for five bucks for a bag of books. A creative packer can get 50 or more books in a bag.

            I agree that kids that are read to often have a love of reading that continues long after they are grown. (I also like If You Give A Moose A Muffin.)

            I haven’t heard about the Dolly Parton library, but intend on checking it out.

            Your niece is very lucky she has an uncle who seems willing to indulge her love of books and reading. I was indulged, but only for holidays. I would’ve loved an uncle like you.

          • perversatile

            Thank you, I know being a good Mom or Dad can be difficult,
            but it’s pretty easy being the favorite Uncle(s).
            My Granny always said, if you raise your children right, you’re done.
            If you don’t they’ll be burdensome for the rest of your life.

          • Wynter Marie Starr

            I have a feeling ALL of your nieces (and nephews if you have them) are lucky kids! It really does take a village and having an awesome uncle is a gift!

          • Bad Tom

            I’ll gladly contribute a dollar. :-)

          • clay
          • Wynter Marie Starr

            Thank you!

          • katerant

            99 cents time a million…..

      • Frank Hoffman

        Maybe in the form of a “graphic” novel.

  • thevofl

    I have to admit, I do find him attractive. I love that perfectly sculpted beard on that completely empty head.

    • bkmn

      With ears perfect for…

    • LOL this picks up off where we left it in the previous Bundy post.

    • barracks9

      He DOES look like an extra from “Where The Bears Are”, now that you mention it…

      • Steverino

        A fitting example of the right to arm bears.

    • Good Shot Green

      Yeah, he’s a looker. Love the beard. Take yer shirt off!

      • clay

        (and that magic underwear)

  • Cuberly

    Vern? Would you whisper sweet Cabela’s in my ear?

  • You are too much for me Ammon Bundy, you sonofawhoreson bitch! I wish I knew how to quit you!

  • Trevor Brown

    “Ammon soon found his limbs entwined with Trevor’s. ” …. wuuuuuut?

    • rusty57

      Lucky you?

      • Trevor Brown

        I’m happily married to a non-wackadoodle thanks.

  • 50 Shades Of Flannel?

    • Jason Lin

      I…would probably read that.

      • Steverino

        I dunno about the magic underware underneath, though…

        • Bad Tom

          That’s what editors are for.

          • KCMC

            “Fifty Shades of Gunmetal”

    • KCMC

      “Time to learn about original intent!” whooped Ammon, lashing Jed’s bloated torso with his improvised beef jerky whip.

    • KCMC

      It was a tangled orgy of Velcro, cowboy hats, and unsullied Carharts. And that’s when Jeb saw Joe’s 9MM. All 9MM of it.

      • M60A1

        Pretty sure that you are the pussy in this sword fight.

        • Dan McLeod

          Pretty sure you wrote that with one hand.

    • Cuberly

      50 Shades of Camo?

      • perversatile

        What does flagging blue tarp indicate?

        • Cuberly

          Into militia-play snack raunch?

          • KCMC

            cool raunch flavored

          • Cuberly

            into jerky.

          • perversatile

            SIR YES SIR Hostesss Ho Ho reporting for doody SIR!

          • Amythist

            I’ve seen the Ding Dongs but no insurrection is complete without the Ho Hos. #halfcocked

          • perversatile

            Ho-Hos are always the first to go…

    • KCMC

      “The freshly skinned rabbit-hair handcuffs did not hold back Ammon’s lust for Gordon. Please tread on me, said Ammon.”

    • Luddite

      Might confuse Lesbians.

    • Roger

      Fifty Shades of Tarp?

    • sdsures

      I’m DYING here!

    • Sam Henline

      Okay, side-splitting laughter. I’m in pain…

    • TreGibbs

      Corduroy

  • KCMC

    “Dear Soldier of Fortune: I never thought it would happen to me…” BWAHAHAHA

    • KCMC

      The stiffness of his AR-15 by the firelight. The quiet longing of its strap to be grabbed. I can’t quit you.

      • KCMC

        “I told you I was fully loaded,” said Ammon,”But what I really meant was take me to bed or lose me forever.”

        • Brian in Valdosta

          The muffled grunts and husky i-need-yous of their lovemaking could be heard all the way in the Oregon Landscapes section of the front lobby. Cletus had been ridden by strong men, but until that night he had never been broken. And when the two men climaxed, Ammon could feel that Cletus came inside his heart.

          • KCMC

            gasp. pant.

          • Paula

            Then Cletus breathelssly whispered to Ammon ” Ammon, please do me like your daddy did.”

          • Joseph Miceli

            ROFL!!!!!

          • Paula

            And in true rancher style Cletus whispered to Ammon,

            “That’ll do pig.”

          • JR

            OMG, I just sprayed pop all overcmy screen!

          • unsavedheathen

            Pop?

          • sdsures

            Soft drink.

          • OrCoastTheo

            Soda.

          • daytrip

            Soda pop, possibly a term before your time?

          • sdsures

            I just spit juice all over my computer! But I can’t stop reading! ROFL

          • ZhyKitty

            ROTFLMAOPIMP

          • Steve Teeter

            Stop it! You’re killing me!

          • Paula

            KCMC and I are proud to be on ROLs most wanted Gay Snarkers list,

          • chrisinphx

            oh my guuudness, you have me rolling over here! Thank you for that laugh!

      • Paula

        Ammon begged for Gus to discharge his weapon into him.

        • KCMC

          “Cletus’s hands guided him to the right spot. “Squeeze the trigger, don’t pull it,” he whispered.”

          • Paula

            Cletus screamed in pleasure as his weapon discharged again and again and again and again, rock and roll, indeed! He knew this would be no quick reload.

          • Just Another Earthling

            not .. not unless the man under the blue tarp was willin to supply that extra powder.. gunpowder..

        • oikos

          LOL

        • I see you are an expert at writing porn.

          laughing so hard at your comments the laptop hit the floor.

          • Paula

            Thank You!

      • Stephen Elliot Phillips

        load after load of ammon’s ammunition was shot into gus. Gus arched his lower back and cooed as he was filled with ammon’s buckshot

        • Brian in Valdosta

          “… and cooed”

          I love it!!!

        • wouldn’t that be “fukshot ?”

    • perversatile

      RIMJLOL! Rolling In Man Juice Laughing Out Loud!

      • KCMC

        “Ammon faced unknown emotion the final game of Twister ended in a sweaty heap of wiry chest hair and man scent

        • KCMC

          “Ammon!”, cried Randy. “Take me! Take me like a rancher rightfully reclaiming a patch of public land!”

          • Paula

            And we will work in the horse this time.

          • Joseph Miceli

            “Neigh!!!!!”

          • Paula

            Ohhhh Willlbuuuuurrrr!

          • Mike

            Ammon, is that public, or pubic land…lol

          • Edit: ” reclaiming that patch of pubic hair.”

        • perversatile
          • Sam Henline

            Back to the pile

    • Ashley Dumaine

      We were hold up in a ranger station, it was a cold cold winter, but I burned with a fever too hot to bare… a fever that only his cold hand, and rough beard could squelch.

      • daytrip

        “holed” up; too hot to “bear.”

  • bkmn

    I hope the Daily Show or John Oliver pick this stuff up for their shows.

  • Joseph Miceli

    Oh My! I’ve been reading a lot of gay romance novels, lately. There are some based on fantasy creatures like werewolves and dragons, some are based on vampires and millionaires and… in one remarkable instance…the works of H.P. Lovecraft (the “Whyborne and Griffen” series by Jordan L. Hawk, which I recommend highly!) but I’ve never seen gay erotic fiction based on treasonous assholes yelling for attention like spoiled 12 year old girls.
    By all means, carry on! Just remember to NOT change the names so as not to protect the not-innocent.

    • Wynter Marie Starr

      Rule 34; There’s porn for everything.

      • Doug105

        Waiting to see who blue tarp guy is paired with.

        • Nessie. or kimchee.

          • Austin Bennett

            The horses need love too!

        • KCMC

          Is that a militiaman under your tarp or are you just happy to see me

          • JCF

            It’s a minute man. Or a mye-NOOT man!

        • Wynter Marie Starr

          One of his wandering cows? He searches for them and one thing leads to another.

          • Paula

            And don’t get them thinking about sheep.

          • Wynter Marie Starr

            I wonder if he comes from a state where it’s illegal to have a sheep in the front seat of your car?

          • clay

            Why would one want to have a sheep in the front seat of one’s car when there’s so much more room to stretch out in the back?

          • Wynter Marie Starr

            Beats me, Clay. It’s one of those obscure laws that exist. I find them howling funny. (It’s illegal to sing in the shower in NYC)

            I suspect that in the past, some men with sheep in the front seat just found them too tempting.

          • clay

            distracted driving– always have your passenger while in Park.

        • pj

          or cruz

      • Joseph Miceli

        Aaaa …yup! If there is, however, Phyllis Schlafley/Ann Coulter/ Maggie Ghallager lesbian porn, please don’t tell me.
        Please….

        • Oscarlating Wildely

          I can’t speak for any of our fine lesbian and bi sisters but I would say that is likely a fear that you will never, ever have to worry about!

          • Joseph Miceli

            Damn it! I started writing it in my head! I need a vodka transfusion!

          • Anastasia Beaverhousen

            Where does one get a vodka transfusion?

          • Bad Tom

            And, almost as important, is it covered by insurance?

          • Joseph Miceli

            At your local bar, but you have to have refrained from sex with men for over a year.

          • JaniceInToronto

            The local walk-in clinic. It’s part of our health care here.

          • Wynter Marie Starr

            Well you could write it as crack. (The fanfic that is for those smoking crack)

        • Wynter Marie Starr

          Well, yuck. Although I’m sure that all of them are featured in porn somewhere. I’ve seen porn about our founding fathers, Bush/Cheney Romney/Obama and lots of others that are – – stomach turning.

          I won’t go looking for your pairings, that’s not to say they don’t exist, so no worries about me telling you.

          • Joseph Miceli

            (crouches in shower, crying, huddled in corner, eating Oreos and shivering)

            “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home..”

          • Wynter Marie Starr

            Tsk, tsk. Life is too damn short to eat soggy Oreos.

          • BearEyes

            there’s an ookie cookie joke in there somewhere.

          • Patricia Riley

            That line needs a T-shirt. Lol.

          • Wynter Marie Starr

            Yeah, it so does!

        • Bad Tom

          My Motto:
          Don’t google for what you don’t want to find.

        • Chris Baker

          I guess you’ve never read: The C-PAC Warriors. Three strong women, fighting for their beliefs, find themselves fighting their burning, forbidden desires.

          • Joseph Miceli

            Ugh.
            “Ann’s ovipositor scrapped the inside of Phylis’s dry, hostile canyon as her head was engulfed in the clammy, moist folds of Maggie’s devouring nether regions.”

          • Piercedchrlz

          • JCF

            Mary, stawp!

          • ZhyKitty

            NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
            I can’t unsee that in my head OMGOMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Austin Bennett

        What are the first 33 rules?

      • Gregory Peterson

        I just discovered ‘gravy wrestling.’ Now I’ll need a prescription for a statin.

    • KCMC

      “And after that night the other ranchers called me Eli the barrel boy.”

    • Jeffrey

      I ready those Wyborne and Griffen books. Pretty good escapism. But Shattered Gates series by Ginn Hale is the very best gay books ever. As Meat Lives Salt by Maria McCann is the other.

      • Joseph Miceli

        THANK YOU!!! I’ve run out of stuff to read. Off to Amazon!

        • Don’t forget the magnum opus of Robert Oscar Lopez.

          • Joseph Miceli

            I think I’ll give that a miss…a really wide miss!

        • Jeffrey

          Shattered Gates is a fantasy/ sci fi thing. I didn’t think I liked that kind of thing until I read this. Really well done.

          • Joseph Miceli

            I love Sci-fi, at least the old stuff that made one think. The newer stuff is all Space Opera and romance with blasters. I miss C.J. Cherryh.

    • Oh, hell! Whyborne and Griffen rocks! Check out the Cut n Run series!

      • Joseph Miceli

        Will do! Thanks!

  • KCMC

    “How many Funyuns do ya think ya can stack on it?” cooed Ammon. “Two. Maybe three if they’re little,” replied Zeke.
    snacks, please

    • clay

      “Well, there’s you.”

  • Max_1

    Brokeback Bundy…

    • thevofl

      You asked for it.

      • tirakellci

        Omg rotf!!!!! 😂😂😂😂😂 Y’all are killing me!!

      • ZhyKitty

        *gasping and wheezing* ROTFLMAOPIMP

        • sdsures

          *asthma attack from laughter*

      • Max_1

        I saw it somewhere else and didn’t cap it NOR remember where I saw it… So I blurted the Brokeback Bundy.

        Someone needs to photoshop the second Bundy boy in Heath Ledger’s spot.

      • jo gerardo

        Benny and Dean forever

  • This was tailor made for the OD Green Fleshlight…

    http://s5.postimg.org/asqqfk9d3/fleshlight.jpg

    • ZhyKitty

      *crying laughing*

    • bkmn

      Its not camo?

      • KCMC

        I think I’ve seen camo strokers but why?

        • The ultimate accessory !

        • Cuberly

          Whenever I visit relatives it almost always results in a visit to Cabela’s. Who make the most AWESOME thick insulated socks. Anywho…I can only handle short visits. I mean seriously, camo patterned pajamas, housecoats, UNDERWEAR? Camo camo camo camo…. It gets old VERY quickly.

          • KCMC

            confessing to camo thong. Had to have something to swim in in last clothing-optional bear camp. Murky lake fish fears.

          • stuckinthewoods

            Could people still see you? I always get the feeling that camo doesn’t work all that well.

          • KCMC

            HA. Friendly Bears, fish biting in the lake.

          • David Walker

            Sweatshirt from a while ago. The shirt was camo and the wording across it was “Ha! Now you can’t see me!”

    • MonochromeMouse

      except that one is clearly vagina shaped, no way any of them have ever seen a vagina outside of porn

      • Austin Bennett

        Not since they were birthed, at least.

  • ZhyKitty

    *fan-flick*
    My goodness, it’s warm in here..

  • EdmondWherever

    Rednecktacular.

  • thevofl

    I just added:

    "Upon meeting Trevor's glance Ammon's moistening lips part revealing the smile—the one graced him by his father's genes." #Bundyeroticfanfic— Rob Y (@the_evil_puppy) January 7, 2016

    • KCMC

      “Cletus turned from Jethro, certain the Doritos dust on his lips would draw him back into his fire arms”

    • Steverino

      Genes? Genes?

      I bet they’re tight…

      • David Walker

        Faded.

        • clay

          dirty and worn out

  • Max_1
  • tirakellci

    Lmao!!!!!!!!!!!! That last line tho!!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

  • PLAINTOM

    And the Patriot Movement was decimated by a barrage of ridicule.

    • Cuberly

      The thing is I think it’s more than reasonable to bring up a conversation about BLM, ranchers, environmentalists, hunters, etc..concerns. I think it’s fair to say there needs to be a discussion.

      These loons may inadvertently initiate the conversation.

    • David Walker

      Perhaps to make some money they could open a branch office for Christian Mingle. “Find your soulmate under a blue tarp.” “Share your values, your beliefs, but touch his fucking assault weapon ‘less he says to.” That kind of thing. 1-800-555-DERP.

    • Ben in Oakland

      The problem is, they don’t see ridicule as some thing that impeaches them. Rather, ridicule proves their point.

  • Max_1
  • the thing is, i like snacks. i can see asking for snacks. i mean, when you’re sitting around with nothing better to do than have a action-fantasy bromance and clean your guns, you need snacks. a man gets a powerful hunger in the cold.

  • Dagoril

    This reminds me of that AbFab episode when Edina starts dating her sexy gardener hehe.

    “I love you like I love trees! ”

    “Oh, talk the Latin to me! Talk the Latin! “

  • Oscarlating Wildely

    That’s not just white hairs on that beard…

    • Steverino

      Oh, he just blew a seal, not an otter.

  • bambinoitaliano

    Between the Blue Tarp and the Brokeback Bundy, dare I hope for more tomorrow?

  • Octavio

    Teabilly romance porn. Gotta love it. :-)

  • Max_1

    Off thread question:
    Why won’t Congress support and defend the Second Amendment and REGULATE this MILITIA like it calls for?

    • Octavio

      😀

    • Gianni

      Very good question. It does call for “well regulated”. I don’t see any regulating happening here.

      • Max_1

        Remember when they did regulate militias and sided with the NRA to limit gun sales to Black Panthers?

        • Cuberly

          I live in Oakland, have heard quite a few conversations over the years about that very issue.

    • vikingwarbrides

      Their definition of a militia is the National Guard. And yes that is pretty much well regulated. Private ownership of weapons is somewhat regulated, but not as stringent as it could be. And any attempt to limit magazine size or amount of ammo purchased has been met with stiff opposition.

    • clay

      (placement of the comma)

  • Austin Bennett

    I do think Ammon is so fucking hot. I blame it on his beard, though.

    • Good Shot Green

      It’s super awesomely sexy hot. Find me a man who can rock that look.

      • Do you think they argue about who’s the Mary and who’s the Rhoda?

        • Good Shot Green

          They’re probably not fun enough to know that movie. I, on the other hand, am, so here’s a forty-ish single guy in Philly looking for a man who know esoterica like that.

          • I fuckin’ rock a beard too 😉

          • Good Shot Green

            Oh yeah? That’s something I’d like to see since you (and Billbear) are the queen of JMG (the antithesis of Perdon’t).

            Show me show me show me!

          • Was queen the best choice of words here?

          • Good Shot Green

            Something wrong with being a queen? Better than a joker, smoker, midnight toker (maybe not).

          • LOL are you on Twitter?

          • Good Shot Green

            I have an account there but don’t really use it. I only signed up for that one season premiere of The Amazing Race when Phil was live tweeting.

          • I was going to suggest to go to my twitter and DM for further barbate pogonophile camaraderie.

          • Good Shot Green

            So go ahead and suggest it then. Let me get my iPad out – that’d be the best way to, I don’t know how you say it, connect with your tweeting?

          • @thirtybirdy

          • Good Shot Green

            Pogonophile! Following. Now what?

          • check your DM

          • it the little envelope thingy

          • says “messages”

          • Good Shot Green

            Ooh, I’ve got a message! Lemme see.

          • you’ll have to follow me

          • KCMC

            hot fuckin’ beard.

          • LOL Dear Bro Speaker Ryan: fuck you and your beard too 😉

  • Ammon found himself alone, still yearning with a heaviness in his pendulous ammo bag that needed to be relieved. He grabbed his gun. It was familiar and comforting. The swirl of the grain in the Tigers Eye Maple stock, was like a lovers face, lasciviously beckoning to him. He stroked the barrel, slowly at first, then faster, focused on the warm, slippery feeling of gun oil, his arm pumping fiercely, like the driving rods of a runaway steam locomotive. The scruff of his thick wiry beard scraping the delicate surface of the barrel drove bolts of electricity up and down his spine. He was making love to this piece of blue steel in a way he never thought it possible. His body was alive, like the spring air after a lightning strike. He became lost in passion. He heard his high caliber lover whisper to him, “Ammon, I am yours. I am your lover for eternity. Fill my chamber with your love.” Ammon looked longingly at the dark and inviting porta of his lovers muzzle. Instinctively he let it enter him, his mouth greedy and eager to please. The turgid steeliness compelled him to go deeper, his only goal was to please, to serve, to satisfy. He could feel the vibration, the surge of energy as he completed his task. “I’m cumming, Ammon, I’m cumming!” he heard his lover whisper to him……….BANG

    • Max_1

      Well, gives ‘Money Shot’ a new perspective…

    • sdsures

      Please, please, please write a book!

    • charemor

      Jesus! JB, you have outdone yourself here!

    • Ragnar Lothbrok

      You had me at pendulous ammo bag.

  • Rebecca Gardner
  • dcurlee

    I love this. I’m cracking up

    • Jimmie Z

      Shea butter is good for that.

  • Told ya so….

  • The one from LeftDial is hilarious. “…for warmth…and for freedom.” Snerk!

  • lynden55

    ROFL

  • BearEyes

    you just know the video can’t be far behind.

  • Bad Tom

    I really hope the Oregon Militia have Twitter.
    ——-
    A revolution all right. But not the one they thought.

  • Cuberly

    Ya’ll aren’t workin enough snacks in your Bundy porn!

    • McShane

      Ammon tenderly pulled a Cheez-It from deep within Chad’s thick red beard, “this ones all mine” he whispered seductively. Chad watched in tense awe as Ammon rubbed the salty snack in slow circles around his erect nipple. Ammon took time to savor the faint corn nut aroma wafting up from Chad’s weathered nape. Chad smelled like ranch corn nuts, and it drove Ammon wild.

      • Cuberly

        …..and? Keep going….

        lol..great job!

        • sherman

          and everything over 140 characters has already been lost in twitter purgatory.

          • Cuberly

            Doh!

      • Ben in Oakland

        You have to do this as a tweet. No more than 140 characters. Sheeeeesh.

        • McShane

          Fine.

          A soft breeze ruffled the blue tarp above Ammon and Chads entangled writhing bodies. Ammon erotically licked corn nuts from chads thigh.

          Ammon watched the truck disappear over the horizon, the refreshing tang of cool ranch Doritos from Chads tender kisses lingered on his lips.

          Chad slowly reached down between Ammons quivering thighs, “sorry man, I lost a Snickers in here somewhere” He cooed softly into Ammons ear.

          • Ben in Oakland

            All right! you win!

  • McShane

    The only thing keeping the whole world from seeing their savage lovemaking, was a tattered blue tarp.

    http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/2014-08/31/3/enhanced/webdr04/anigif_enhanced-31779-1409471922-10.gif

    • Good Shot Green

      As a pogonophiliac, I must praise another nice beard.

  • Oh look, an entire book on the topic: http://amzn.to/1SB2iRX

    • KCMC

      oh my

      • Sam_Handwich

        i’m waiting for the Broadway musical adaptation

  • delk

    If the tarp is flapping, somebody’s fapping.

  • TheManicMechanic

    These tweets need to make up the entirety of what Bundy and clan see any time they connect to the internet.

    • David Walker

      How evil. How cool.

      • charemor

        How wonderful!

        • clay

          how frothy.

          • daytrip

            juicy…

  • Sam_Handwich

    yes, it’s all funny right now. most especially because even the rightwing lunatics have left them hung out to dry. and the hashtags have been particularity entertaining.

    but i do hope these assholes give up and surrender peacefully.

    no more fucking senseless violence.

    • KCMC

      “Ammon Bundy fixed his squinty gaze on Captain Moroni’s nether regions. “I want to graze my cattle on your ranch, buddy.”

      • Sam_Handwich

      • Good Shot Green

        I really love your peaches, want to shake your tree.

  • Cuberly
    • David Walker

      I assume they got out alive?

      • Cuberly

        Yeah they covered it pretty well, apparently they liked the vegan jerky. Don’t have confirmation but it was implied that some PETA protestors are going to set up shop on the fringe to protest the occupation.

    • Good Shot Green

      PETA is the fucking worst.

      • Cuberly

        Actually I think this is a moment where their activism makes total sense. Defending the borders of a wildlife refuge is spot on.

  • SB

    …..

    • Good Shot Green

      Wha? Huh? Uh? Um?

      • Stev84

        I get the meaning, but Japan is just weird

    • JulieBL

      WTF???

      • SB

        :)

        • coram nobis

          Air reconnaissance?

    • clay

      moist

  • “Nuff said.

  • sikkentarred

    I have to admit, he is hot. Reminds me so much of my first boyfriend, Buck. RIP Buck.

  • Roy Biv

    “Did you bring the Coors Light and Funyuns?” I asked him.

    “Yeah, I did,” He handed the cold brew to me.

    Our fingers touched. “what about the Funyuns?” I asked.

    “Right here,” as he straddled me like the government tried to straddle country folk.

    “Doesn’t it still burn?”

    “Like brushfire but I can’t stop myself anymore.”

    • clay

      (reminds me of the Bad Lip Reading version of The Avengers)

  • LonelyLiberal

    Ammon reached for the gun oil. “Damn good thing I brought this, stud, you couldn’t take me otherwise.”

    Cletus nearly fainted at the sight of Ammon’s throbbing member, glistening with oil, as he eagerly rolled over.

    • Ben in Oakland

      Not member. Gun. Please. Do not mix metaphors. It makes us look misedjumacated.

      • John T

        But awkwardly mixed metaphors is one of the signature stylistic tics of the erotic fiction genre.

        • clay

          But awkwardly mixed metaphors is one of the signature stylistic tics of the egotistical teaparty genre.

    • coram nobis

      No, no! Hobbes No. 9 oil doesn’t have the right viscosity. Now, some good US-gov’t issue LSA oil will get your bolt carrier group sliding freely in someone’s M-16.

  • Greg B.

    Thanks but I think I’ll wait for the movie.

  • Lindoro Almaviva

    such a hot bear… and then he opens his mouth. Nevermind!

  • EDinMCO

    Win.

  • Chesney Migl

    I knew there was a reason I own all the Decemberist’s albums

  • Ben in Oakland

    Hooooeeeee. You gonna get some good ol’ boys hot…under their collars.

  • Jaxon

    Finding Romance (and Freedom) Among the Oregon Pines… <3

    Under the starry, moonlit sky, they huddled,…gripping and stroking each other's 9mm hardness. Soon Trevor's grunting thrusts became brutal and militant; but that's just how Ammon craved it. Finally – spent like an empty ammo clip – sated by their forbidden lust, they rested and reached for snacks and a frosty Coors Light.

    Two loons cooed in the distance,…as well as the wild birds seeking refuge and warmth.

    • trouble94114

      Figure out a way to turn that into a single sentence and you’ve got next year’s Bulwer-Lytton contest sewn up.

  • sherman
  • Ben in Oakland

    Thank you everyone for a lot of laughs. Unfortunately, the objects of our disaffections will only be pissed off about it and feel that it validates every bit of their crazy.

    Oh, well.

    • Celloman G

      Well, hate fuck the shit out of ’em if the can’t take a joke.

      Who give one desiccated rat turd what they think?

      • Lumpy Gaga

        “Uh, you gonna finish that rat turd?”

  • Pollos Hermanos

    Just sayin’

    • coram nobis

      “You shall love me and despair!”

  • John T

    I kind of hate myself for thinking Ammon Bundy is totally hot. The eyes, the beard, the plaid flannel, I just can’t help it.

    • LADY MABELINE

      There are a lot of worse things to feel bad about. Registering as a Republican is at the top of my list. Followed by child molester. Thank god I am only a liberal gay man who only likes men.

      • clay

        (Had to leave the gay bar last night as two drunken GOPers yelled at each other about which law school is better, how much they hate libertarians, and why they love Trump.)

        • LADY MABELINE

          Eventually,the Trump candidacy will implode. His supporters are going to have quite a depressive experience. I am so looking to reading Breibart then.

          • DumbHairyApe

            I’m not so sure his campaign will ever explode. If it was going to do that, it should have done it by now. He can clearly say whatever he wants, or lie anyway that he wants, and it won’t matter to his supporters. So, either he WILL get the GOP nomination OR he will create a “New Republican Party” so he can claim that he isn’t running as an independent and is, in fact, a true Republican and isn’t violating his vow to not run as an independent. He’s a marketer…he knows how to spin something around a bunch of lies and untruths. Snake oil has never had a better pitchman.

          • clay

            I’m looking forward to them remembering they’re not registered to vote,
            on November 2nd.

    • No worries…me too. I posted a link to his before beard pics. He was quite derpy. The beard transformed him.

      • John T

        It appears that betterwithabeard.tumblr.com is inactive, otherwise I would submit the before-and-after as proof that the axiom applies even to some of the most despicable men.

        • KCMC
          • John T

            Yes, I am quite familiar with the beard-themed pleasures of Tumblr. Yet none of those models has quite the same combination of rugged dad-bod and sad but passionate eyes. Oh Ammon, if I could only make you see the error of your ways…

          • DumbHairyApe

            Maybe you should sneak into his play-army camp and “befriend” him. Some of us will want pictures and, hopefully, video.

    • DumbHairyApe

      I feel your pain.

  • Cuberly
    • that’s…… off-putting

      • Cuberly

        Yep. Sorta thickens the plot…too….so to speak.

      • Cuberly

        Zzzz….shhhhh….he must be dreaming of the founding fathers.

    • clay

      I wanta know what event/hospitalization that wrist band is for.

      • Mark

        intestinal blockage….

    • clay

      Too bad that’s Captain Morgan, rather than Fireball, otherwise I know woman for a trans-continental fling.

      • Cuberly

        Ha! Such the warm hearted yenta, you are.

        Wow, could you imagine? It’d be redneck Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.

  • houstonray

    As Ammon started to fold his American flag, Trevor took notice. Ammon folded it to the right instead of the left and Trevor came up to him. “Hey, you are doing it wrong, here, let me show you.” He stood behind him and reached around, his calloused, dry hands finding Ammon’s. He slowly guided them the other direction, folding the flag properly this time. Ammon’s hands were trembling at Trevor’s touch. “Shhh….just relax….” Trevor whispered, the hair of his beard brushing Ammon’s neck, sending shivers down his back.

    Ammon tensed up as Trevor drew ever closer. He could feel his heart beating, the warmth of their flannel shirts increasing ten fold as their bodies touched. Somehow, it was comforting in the cold Oregon air. The flag was finally folded and they paused. The air may have been cold but hot breath, smelling faintly of jerky, warmed them both up. Trevor turned Ammon around and their eyes locked.
    Trevor suddenly and quickly kissed him, their beards briefly combining into one.

    Ammon was shocked at first and pulled away, but then he returned the passionate kiss. Tongues quickly found their way to each other as Trevor’s hands slid down the front of Ammon’s shirt, then to his waist, lower and lower, until he found what he was looking for. It was hard and larger than he expected.

    “you still have your 9mm tucked in your waistband” he whispered, in between breaths of air. “That’s not my 9mm…” Ammon said.

    They managed to unbutton each others shirts while still kissing. Trevor unfolded the flag and tossed it onto the ground…

  • HouseOfDNY

    It’s only Wednesday, but this is a lock for Interwebs of the week.

  • Vincent Lucas

    I know this is a bird sanctuary, Ammon, but yours is the prettiest I ever seen …

  • Stein Olsen

    This cracked me up:D Was so fitting I made this then.

    http://i.imgur.com/BxaqvJP.jpg

    • zhera

      WTH happened to that guy’s face???

      • Stein Olsen

        Don’t know. Inbreeding perhaps.

      • DumbHairyApe

        As a young man his head was run over by a Ford LTD and he suffered nerve damage as a result.

  • Liadan

    Crying….Don’t forget, the name “Ammon” comes from the BIble. There is only one. Ammon was the incestuous love child of Lot and one of his daughters. Now why would Cliven have named his son that? What was he thinking about?

    • DumbHairyApe

      It’s also a name in traditional Mormonism.

      • Liadan

        Why would any do that to a kid?

    • perversatile

      “What was he thinking about?”
      Ammon if it’s a boy or Ammonia if it’s a girl.

  • LADY MABELINE

    This Ammon Bundy dude is pretty good looking. I would cast him as the lead in “Teabag Mountian-Militia”

  • Dave_in_PDX

    I think Ang Lee would have another hit on his hands. 😀

  • KCMC

    “The Cliven, as it was to become known, was a militianary position passed down by inbred generations in the Bundy family.”

  • Priscilla

    Ammon pulls him deeper into his mouth so he can feel him at the back of his throat and then to the front again. His tongue swirls around the end. He’s Ammon’s very own Clive Bundy-flavored popsicle. He sucks harder and harder … Mmm … Ammon’s inner god is doing the merengue with some salsa moves. (Excerpt from the forthcoming book, 50 Shades of Bundy)

    • Dan Robinson

      Will that be on Amazon?

  • Priscilla

    “Show me how you pleasure yourself,” Ammon said. “Keep still…we’re going to
    have to work on keeping you still, Daddy. Let’s see if we can make you come like this… You’re so deliciously wet. God, I want you,” Ammon continued in a husky voice. “I’m going to fuck you now, Daddy…hard.” (from the forthcoming book, 50 Shades of Bundy)

  • Stein Olsen

    Have another one:)

    http://i.imgur.com/H54w8KD.jpg

    • KCMC

      and some cowboys just snuggle up and ride the saddle horn

  • RealityBass

    I’ve been writing this stuff in my head ever since I saw Ammon’s beard, which is quite delicious looking.

  • Lumpy Gaga
  • coram nobis

    “Good evening. We are now at the sixth episode of “How the West Was Hung,” about the epic adventures of Ammon Bundy and his merry band of fundy cowboys. In episode five, “When the Lights Went Out,” the Feds turned out the power to the hideout and the gang had to snuggle under blankets, which resulted in an all-male, fun-filled fundy frolic that very nearly cost this station its Federal funding. This week is pledge week, and it’s viewers like you that keep programs like this on the air …”

  • coram nobis

    Captain Renault’s log, supplemental: the Guardian has cuisine suggestions for the campout. “Siege cuisine … militia meals.”

    http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/jan/06/oregon-militia-bundy-cuisine-canned-food

    On point here because it shook loose an old commercial jingle, in a Frankie Laine voice:
    “How do you handle a hungry man?
    Man-Handlers!”

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  • William Urmson

    The Bundy right wing terrorist clan are at it again taking over a Federal Bldg. with an armed militia. It’s time to send a clear signal to these domestic terrorists and drone their stupid asses. They are nothing but NRA sponsored criminals and if the NRA doesn’t like it? Then drone their asses too~ WJU #YallQaeda
    https://youtu.be/OqZqGql9ml4

  • The Professor

    Perfection.

  • oikos

    HIlarious! Still laughing.

  • lorimakesquilts

    Bwahahaha. Mockery is so much more fun than shootouts.

  • Mark

    OK…I get it that this is about rubbing the Marlboro Man the wrong way…but at the same time I’m kinda bothered that the fiction being generated is really meant to denigrate Bundy. I guess it’s a double edged sword.

  • bdsmjack

    Hahahaha!

  • Henri205

    I’m just happy that Cletus was used. LOL

  • kanehau

    If ever there was a time of need for Eugene – this is it!

  • weeblet

    I can’t breathe 😀 😀

  • JaniceInToronto

    Made my day. Brilliant.

  • BradCerenzia

    I launched this site in the spirit of support:

    http://sendky.com

  • HouseOfDNY

    Ammon drank in the the pools of Bobby Joe’s wide doe eyes, then stared into the bottom of his 10th Bud Light, and understood his thirst was one The King of Beers never would quench.

  • BudClark

    All joking aside, some balls-to-the-wall gay fucking is what they all NEED!

  • Economist2011

    Pure gold.

  • M60A1

    Laugh, you shrinking violets. When the SHTF, you’ll beg them to be on your side.

    • AngryDoc

      Aren’t you just special!

  • Phil

    what else can be said…?

  • Sandye Gier

    it’s whats under those chaps them cowboys wear . . . .

  • August

    Trevor protested but Buddy stopped him with a kiss. “Shhh, the Tree of Liberty must be watered by the Love of Patriots.” #bundyeroticfanfic

  • waltinseattle

    Well, on this highpoint, there goes any moral highground of socalled liberals. Faggothumor, oh joy. Decemberist is it? Ill temember those hipster pukes. They relegate to my trashbin with uzi and the racist trash skin bands.

  • Grondo

    WOW. It’s nice to know that the sort of squirmy, adolescent homophobia lefties spend so much energy trying to eradicate finally has a legitimate outlet – making fun of right-wing nutjobs. I have a list of fag jokes I could add, if that would help the cause?

    • LOL because people on the right have NEVER used erotic literature, porn or had sex with the lights on.

  • this is great, I laughed my head off. almost.

  • LoveYourDNA

    best. shit. ever!

  • JP_Wilcox

    As much as he loved his horse, a real man more fully met his inner desires.

  • dr__pepper

    “My teeth?” said Lehi. “I was real sick when i was 9. Ma gave me tetracycline. Stained my with government medicine stead of letting me die like a sovereign child.” Micah nodded. “Yeah, moms’ll do that. Like mine, taking me to get my pinky sewn back on, even though my dad said i should take the lesson like a real man and never forget the right way to close a shotgun.” But in his heart, he was glad for the violation of autonomy that had saved Lehi. Because he had a violation of his own in mind.

  • Mark Lewis

    Yeah, so… I always forget that when you want to make someone look bad, you make them out to be gay. I don’t really care if it sounds cynical, but this is just another dumb straight guy, you know that right?

  • Finn

    I guess Colin Meloy thought there was nothing more insulting than
    implying these men were gay? There are so many things to parody about
    these guys, writing about them as if they are gay lovers as a way of
    insulting them is disappointing.

  • This is funny

  • SocraticGadfly

    Here’s a full set of dialogue, not just a Tweet. Bonus: It’s Ammon and POTUS! http://socraticgadfly.blogspot.com/2016/01/bundyeroticfanfic-between-ammon-and.html

  • LoveYourDNA

    OMG I just love all my gay brothers and sisters. I’m straight – and at times I wish it weren’t so, but you all make my world a better and funnier place! Thank you so much for your wit and wisdom.

  • john Johnson

    Spooning leads to forking.
    Someone needs to forwards these to the main actors’ twitter account!

  • don

    nyuk nyuk nyuk