Graham Norton: Men My Age Won’t Date Men My Age

From a lengthy interview with the Daily Mail:

‘Well, I’m 52 and I’m single and on some level I feel like I’ve failed because by the time you’re my age, you really should be settled. But then I look at the relationships people around me have and I find myself asking, “Really?! That doesn’t look like winning to me.” ‘It seems that the compromises people have to make aren’t ones I’m willing to make. I don’t know the answer. Maybe I’m just suited to being single. Clearly I am. I’ve reached the point that when people ask, “Are you single at the moment?” I say, “Come on, you can drop the ‘at the moment’. I’m single forever.”’ He still dates (‘I mean I’m not ruling it out. Who knows? Maybe I will find someone’) and would like to date someone his own age, but reckons that’s an ambition too far. ‘That’s the weird thing. Gay men my age don’t want to date someone their age.’

  • pickypecker
    • Uh – no he had really bad breath. Viven Leigh said that he has incredibly bad halitosis. He had a full set of dentures at age 32 and really needed to use more mouthwash. 4. He had almost a full set of dentures when he was only 32.

      Because of a bad gum infec https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e8d43a514311f1e33866a99e93ce6de3b587a5e8c17727b9364ff2c5d3e79aac.jpg tion in 1933, he had to have most of his teeth removed and replaced by dentures, which caused him to suffer from halitosis. During the filming of Gone with the Wind, Vivien Leigh complained about how foul the stench was… but they got along really well other than that.

  • Daigan

    I would totally date him. I am 50..

  • He’s handsome; I’m his age, and I’d date him.

  • Some guys like to date men their own age, and some guys — believe it or not– actually LIKE men older then themselves. I don’t know where Graham is coming from.

    • Mr. Spiffy

      I’ve only ever been instantly attracted to guys 5-10 years older than me. Which means Norton is too young for me.

    • Joseph Miceli

      Hmmmm. A lot of men my age chase the kids in their 20’s. I remember being in my 20’s and having to fight off some nasty old octopus in his 50’s. Now that I am in my 50’s I refuse to be that guy. Besides, I’d rather find these kids another nice young man. I’m a Yenta.
      For me it has never been about age but body type. Still, I’d feel funny dating someone younger than 35.

      • jerry

        I came out at age 15…in 1979. I remember the 40-50 year old men very well, and the extreme lengths they went trying to take me home…yeah, I refuse to be that guy. Still single at (almost) 52, and I think the main priority is to like and be happy and comfortable with yourself first. If a relationship happens, great; if not, at least I’m out there having fun.

      • Reality.Bites

        I never, ever chase anyone. Not good at it. I put up a profile, say what I’m looking for and they come to me. The odds are that most younger guys wouldn’t be into me and wouldn’t appreciate me going after them so I don’t. So I just make sure the ones who ARE into me know it. Of course if someone’s profile indicates they could be into someone like me, I’m fine with approaching them.

        One could point out, of course, that most people don’t bother reading profiles. That’s OK – those aren’t the kind of people I’m interested in.

      • Awe. You won’t consider ANYONE under 35? 🙁 Does it help that I gave your comment a thumbs up?

        • Joseph Miceli

          I said I wouldn’t CHASE! (You boys can run faster than me anyway!) and I said that it makes it difficult. As always, people are different so it isn’t impossible. Still, I’m more likely to find you an nice boy to pair off with. 🙂

  • LonelyLiberal

    I never knew he was gay, I just know The Graham Norton Show is hysterical.

    I’m only a touch younger, and I’d date him.

    • Anne Mckinney-page

      You did not know that he is Gay? That is like saying, that you had not noticed Richard Simmons is Gay. He isn’t ‘slightly gay’, he is the Olympic Torch of Gay.

      • LonelyLiberal

        Totally never noticed. I just sort of wrote it off as, “He’s not gay, he’s Irish.”

        • Dramphooey

          Whoa.

        • Joseph Miceli

          OMG that made me laugh out loud! The Irish are going to be up in arms over that.

          • LonelyLiberal

            I have a slight preference for men from Great Britian. The Irish tend toward expressive and funloving. The English are much more reserved.

            I dated a Welshman, but as a general rule they’re as moist and cold as the unfriendly land they inhabit.

          • Joseph Miceli

            The Welsh are comin’ fer ya!!!!!

          • Joseph Miceli

            Actually, the way you described them…….

          • Latebrosus

            Dude, you just covered about 40% of my shared interests!

          • Joseph Miceli

            Here’s more hopefully….

            https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cthulhu_Regio

          • MDB

            I am Brit/Irish. A two for one special !!

          • Chucktech

            Bill Donahue just popped a blood vessel…

          • LonelyLiberal

            We may certainly hope.

  • Ray

    That’s not completely true. My favorite age range has always been 35-55 and as I’ve spent more time in that range myself it’s changed to 40-60. Young dudes are fun to look at but…

    • vorpal

      Ugh… agree! I have said this before but it bears repeating: a young guy is like a pet elephant. They both sound good in THEORY and are insanely cute, but in reality they will usually cost you a bunch of cash and leave you with a lot of unwanted shit to clean up.

      • Gyeo

        Noooo I pay for all my dates even when the guy is clearly more well off then I am. We’re not all money grubbing young men.

        • vorpal

          That’s great, but I said usually, and it tends to be because they have little disposable income as they aren’t yet established. I’m thinking people in their late teens and early 20s here, though. Above that is a different story, provided the maturity is there.

          Still, I think unless I met someone incredibly special, I’d be hard-pressed to date younger than me.

          • Joseph Miceli

            The age gap is real. Hell, a kid in his 20’s doesn’t know who “Maude” is, doesn’t recognize “the Eagles” on the radio and God forbid they have any idea who “The Honeymooners” were.
            When all your jokes and cultural references fall on deaf ears, it gets kind of lame.

          • Chucktech

            Maude?? Try The Beatles…

          • Joseph Miceli

            Ouch!

          • Bryan

            Or anything created Norman Lear, for that matter…

          • Justin

            There’s a 16 year gap between my husband and myself (he’s the older of us), and yet it worked. We met when I was in my early 30’s and I think one of the reasons it worked is that I was always determined to be independent. Also, I’d always been around people older than myself, so I was comfortable with him and perhaps more in tune with his social context than might have been the case with other guys my age. I think it was initially a little awkward for him to be with someone younger, but I think he quickly saw me as a peer. I was certainly his intellectual equal. But after 22 years, the difference isn’t even worth noting. He’s my man and I’m his.

          • Joseph Miceli

            I don’t think 16 years is insurmountable at all! I usually go by the “half your age plus 7” rule. I’m 50, so that’s 25 plus 7 which is 32. The difference between 32 and 50 is 18 years. I can actually have a conversation with a guy that age that shares some cultural overlap. Now, a relationship with a 20 year old….wow. I can’t even listen to the music on the radio these days, much less tell you what the kids are watching.
            How smart someone is isn’t what I was implying. The amount of shared culture is what I was referring too.
            I am very glad that you two have found happiness!

          • Gyeo

            I don’t buy it. Older and younger men alike can easily bridge that cultural gap if they tried. If it clicks it clicks. There are people my age who wouldn’t get the my cultural reference but that doesn’t mean they’re undatable. Heck my ex had the same cultural interest as me and we were very incompatible (because he’s a fucking dirtbag).

          • Joseph Miceli

            Gyeo, I’m not trying to be an absolutist. I’m saying it is more difficult and speaking for me, and ME only, I just don’t think that would ever work for me. I would rather find a nice 20 year old another 20 year old and watch THEM be happy than to try and recapture my youth by dating someone who could be my son…heck…my GRANDSON!

          • Reality.Bites

            Guys in their 40s don’t know who Maude is. It went off the air 37 years ago.

            But I have a friend who’s 35 and grew up (in Lebanon!) watching Golden Girls reruns. I introduced him to Maude and he loved it.

            I’m not only looking for people who have the same cultural references as me. There’s a lot to be said for learning from each other and expanding both our sets of references.

            And BTW, I’m 57, I sure as hell wouldn’t recognize the Eagles – and radio is something my parents listen to.

          • Joseph Miceli

            Well, you can pick apart what I wrote all you want looking for absolutes, but that is my experience and it applies to me. I know who Maude is and I still listen to radio and there is comfort in knowing that when I tell a joke I don’t have to cringe in advance. I am glad your experience is different.

        • Joseph Miceli

          Money grubbing isn’t in it, I think.
          Men in their 50’s are generally more established and well off than your average 20 year old (excluding the 1 percent!) Older men generally have more expensive tastes, go on costlier vacations and prefer higher dollar items. It can be a real strain on a kid in his 20’s to try to live the lifestyle of a 50 year old.
          While money isn’t the be-all-end-all factor in a relationship, it is a very large part of it.

          • DaveW

            Makes sense but not universal, of course. My husband is older but we are from such different backgrounds that I was the one driving a more refined lifestyle. It has made our relationship strong, he enjoying all the things I knew and thought were part of a normal civilized life, and me enjoying seeing him experience these things for the first time. 30 years later, art/antiques/travel are part of our lives and we both contribute to the choices we make (like moving from Americana to medieval focus in our collections)

            One hard part was a real difference in values. He still struggles with some of the things he didn’t learn from his family like commitment and responsibility and I struggle to see the value of his deep famy ties to people that don’t have much to say conversationally.

            But I believe it has made us strong and our marriage lasting.

            Also, interesting to see such personal stories, this topic struck a chord!

            As to the guy this post is about, maybe it’s because he looks ten years older than he is-maybe it’s the beard???? A new look might make him attractive to guys his age.

          • Joseph Miceli

            Some people like the beard. Me…oh boy am I going to get it for this….I’m not attracted to full beards. I like a little scruff. Graham’s beard adds 20 years to his face!

          • David Walker

            I’ve discovered that a beard actually does ward off some of the winter’s bite. I’ve started this year’s growth already. I will never give up my mustache, however. Pornstache, walrus, whatever…it’s me.

          • Joseph Miceli

            A beard is a highly personal choice. I have a short one right now.

          • Piet

            I agree that the beard makes him look older, but I think that beard is relatively a new thing for him. Most of what I’ve seen of his show he’s been clean shaven and although he doesn’t look 25 he is certainly in pretty good condition for 52. That’s young, to me, but I can remember when it seemed like the far reaches of elderhood. Long, long ago, that was, when I was still young enough to exclusively date men considerably older than I was — say 15 to 25 years older. If I were trying to do that now, we’d be exchanging tips on how to make soft foods interesting.

          • TheManicMechanic

            I’ve found that youngsters with money can be rather insufferable.

          • Joseph Miceli

            Alas, it depends on the youngster, but I think you would be proved right with that statement more times than wrong.

      • Joseph Miceli

        I think the emotional cost is higher…but I don’t date the kids so it is not one of my problems.

        • vorpal

          I had a brief period when I was 26 and just ended a four year relationship and was all about the late teen boys (all legal in Canada).

          It was fun, exhausting, and emotionally draining as hell.
          Glad I got it out of my system and can happily leave that in the past.

      • Lumpy Gaga
    • Strepsi

      Well isn’t that part of the maturation… being able to separate sexual attraction from love?

    • Justin

      “Young dudes are fun to look at but…” I think they look kind of unfinished, as if they were taken out of the oven too soon. Yes, some of them are beautiful, but it’s the signs of character and experience that really bring out the handsome in a man.

    • JD

      When I was single, I used this formula: Never date anyone younger than 1/2 your age + 7 years. I did it once. Never again.

  • LovesIrony

    If you are not willing to compromise you won’t find a life long partner

    • Joseph Miceli

      Yet, when does “compromise” become “settle?”
      Only each person can decide that.

      • LovesIrony

        who wants to date someone that’s not willing to compromise? I would not enjoy a relationship of I want I want I want I expect I expect I think I think I want I want I want I want.

        • Dramphooey

          “There is give, and there is take.
          I chose the wrong one by mistake.
          I … was a ba-ad boyfriend!” -Pansy Division

        • Joseph Miceli

          Not arguing with you. Selfishness is NEVER attractive. Still, there is a difference between “he keeps leaving his socks on the floor” and “he smokes pot all day and can’t keep a job.”

          • Lumpy Gaga

            Until that day when someone gets shot over the socks.

          • Joseph Miceli

            No, they get shot fighting over the pot.

          • Jonty Coppersmith

            He had it coming. He had it coming. He had it coming all along…..

          • Considering some of the crap my friends (gay and straight) have put up with from partners, that sounds mild.

          • Joseph Miceli

            Well, I AM probably overcritical and demanding, too.

        • Queequeg

          It would be like dating Ted Cruz.

          • Joseph Miceli

            Just…ew.
            Ew.

          • Queequeg

            Yes, I cringed when I typed the words.

      • Lumpy Gaga

        No – first comes the settling, THEN all the compromising.

        Settling: “I guess you’ll do. I’m not getting any younger.”

        Compromising: “I’m not even TOUCHING the goddamn remote!”

        • Joseph Miceli

          🙂

      • CanuckDon

        Hope this doesn’t come out wrong but I think when we’re younger, we really haven’t established who we’re really drawn to. There’s more socializing and more chances of meeting someone who steals your heart for reasons unknown. Once love becomes loving, the stage is set for a long term relationship where days and weeks become months and years of being a couple. Those of us who didn’t find “him” in our 20s and 30s end up more established and find it more difficult to compromise. I hate it but on the other hand, I will not try to force myself to love someone again.

        • Joseph Miceli

          Yeah, once habits form they are hard to change and being single is a habit, just as being a serial relationship type of person can be.

    • vorpal

      People can be so ridiculously picky.
      Of all the guys I have dated, I would say that precisely TWO of them were close to my ideal type in my mind, and those were two of the worst relationships I had.

      Having an open mind and allowing yourself the opportunity to find those who fall outside of your ideal attractive provides you with a lot of amazing opportunities that you would otherwise miss.

      • Justin

        ^^^THIS^^^

    • Queequeg

      Exactly right.

  • Joseph Miceli

    Sigh. I’m 51 in November. I don’t do Grindr. I am not meeting the kind of people I’m attracted to. A lot of this has to do with my generation. A lot of cute, sociable people died when we were kids, so that cuts down on the pool of available men. Also, a lot of people my age are already in relationships which cuts down the pool even further. I am also very used to being single.
    Let’s face it guys, sometimes there really isn’t someone out there for you. I’m not saying I’ll never meet the right guy, but I’m happy on my own and that counts for something as well.

    • oikos

      I think you’ll meet the right guy. Hell if I was single, you’d already have a restraining order against me. 😉

      • Joseph Miceli

        You say the sweetest things! I’d love to have you as a stalker!

        • Todd20036

          How threatmantic!

          • oikos

            lol

          • Joseph Miceli

            Futurama reference!!!!!!!!!!!!
            Awesome!

    • GarySFBCN

      My lesson was to discover that the guys I was attracted to were all wrong for me.

      Common interests and common values help, but for me it was changing the dynamic of looking for something specific to relaxing that a bit an being very clear about the ‘deal breaker’ characteristics – knowing what will never work and being open to just about everything else. My husband and I have common values and different interests and we are very different people. We kind of keep pleasantly surprising each other without trying to do so. This is going on 17 years and it still feels fresh.

      Regardless, being happy on one’s own, to me, is probably the most attractive thing in a person. And you reflect that.

      • oikos

        That’s really true. Part of a good relationship is retaining your own identity. There are a lot of things my husband and I like to do together, but we also have different interests and many times go do our own thing. I think many relationships fail because of extreme codependency. It has worked well for us for 22 years.

        • Joseph Miceli

          That is amazing! 22 years. I can’t keep a pet for six months! LOL!

          • MDB

            I feel good when my houseplants survive for more than 12 months !

          • vorpal

            This is why I like cats. If you forget to feed or water them, well… let’s just say the do not LET you forget to feed or water them!

          • MDB

            When I was in college I learned very quickly that pussycats and houseplants can NOT peacefully coexist.

          • Eebadee-eebadee-thatsallfolks

            You need really big thick ones that they can’t decapitate. Something like a focus or a banana plant.

          • vorpal

            You are telling me… hubby brought home a spider plant and it took these two little hooligans less than 30 seconds to rip it to shreds.

          • oikos

            I guess you won’t want to water my orchids while I’m on vacation? 🙁

          • vorpal

            Unless that is a sexy euphemism… then no :-).

          • Giant Monster Gamera

            I swear they hold it in from both ends and let it go when they want revenge.

          • vorpal

            With four cats, I have been there… cleaning it up… far too many times.

          • Giant Monster Gamera

            I just came off a month long spree where I was afraid to come home to find the new mess and spent each evening scrubbing and shampooing.

            They seem to have calmed down for now, but I think they are getting jealous.

          • vorpal

            How many of the little monsters do you have?

          • Giant Monster Gamera

            Two senior shelter adoptees. Owen is the ginger and Nicholas is the tuxedo.

          • vorpal

            This pic is begging for a joke about two bottoms.
            SO cute! Thanks for posting. Our gingers look surprisingly similar.

          • Giant Monster Gamera

            Believe it or not, they were strangers when the agency took them in. I saw them in the window together and had to have both.

          • JCF

            Aw!

          • henry

            also: no college fund required, …

          • vorpal

            Maybe not for YOUR cats, but the genius of mine cannot be overstated!

          • David Walker

            Several people have tried to give me plants. I ask them, “What have these plants done that you want them to die?”

          • vorpal

            My philosophy when it comes to plants:
            If you can’t smoke it or eat it, give it to somebody else.

          • David Walker

            Wise words.

          • oikos

            It is because of retaining who we are. There is compromise in any relationship but if you give up your identity then you give up the things that brought you together in the first place.

          • Chucktech

            What a beautiful and brilliant statement, oikos! I couldn’t agree more. BTW, we’re on year 28.

          • oikos

            Congrats Chuck! That is something wonderful.

          • perversatile

            Me and mine since ’91
            he is an older man tho,
            52 to my 50

          • Eebadee-eebadee-thatsallfolks

            Robbing the cradle!

          • Happy Dance

            My hubby and I are going on 10 years. I am 48 and he is 29. We were married in Feb in Florida against Blondi and Goobernur Twat’s wishes! To bad so sad. Thanks SCOTUS for being our friend!

          • Giant Monster Gamera

            47 and 27. Totally unintentional on my part. It seems to get better and better each day and there is now talk about moving in together.

            Still worried about what mom is going to say though.

          • Happy Dance

            I met him when he was 20. I never intended to fall in love and spend the rest of my life with him. Nature did that for me. He is the best thing to ever happen to me 🙂 PS My mother is only 15 years older than me. She LOVES him, as well as does my sister. The only awkward thing is he is the same age as my oldest nieces, but she is cool with it too. Mature adults realize love has no boundaries. Congrats to you two!! Many happy years!

          • David Walker

            Hubs told me that his parents were all outraged and everything when he came out, continued to be angry for years, and generally hated anyone he went out with. Then I showed up. For whatever reason, they thought I was the one right for their son. We thought so, too, but I found it funny that I, of all people, would make being gay and a partnered gay OK for them.

          • Gordon.

            I’ve had much more success winning over the mothers of various boy friends than I’ve had keeping the boy friends. LOL.

          • Stubenville

            Can you imagine hubby bringing home snarky Graham to them?

          • David Walker

            We both watch him, but more on YouTube than on BBC America. It would be absolutely glorious to have him come calling after we put up a hidden camera a microphone.

          • Giant Monster Gamera

            That’s great! It’s interesting how these unintentional things seem to work out best but when we plan look the hardest we can’t find anybody. Congratulations on your marriage.

            My son from my long-ago marriage is 24. It going to be interesting.

          • Happy Dance

            I find it interesting with our age gap that we are compatible. He is an old soul in a young body. I am fortunate that he is not into the club scene and stuff like that. He likes sitting at home relaxing after work and watching movies. He plays WOW and his phone is permanently attached to his hand, but those are things I can live with. We never run out of things to discuss. I have my quirks too, like talking about gross nursing stuff at the dinner table lol. He has learned to live with it.

          • Giant Monster Gamera

            Same here. He’s essentially me 20 years ago.

            I’ve mellowed based on my learnings from failed relationships, we’re both introverts that like to do stuff together like hiking, movies or cooking, we like the same entertainment and technology, we’re both in recovery, neither of us like clubbing and went through hookup phases that we found lacking.

            The biggest difference is I’ve overcome much of my shyness and am more open to new things like food or entertainment, which helps both of us. He’s a pretty picky eater and I’m working on that one.

          • Happy Dance

            Well, I certainly wish you the best of luck in your endeavors and many many many happy years together!

          • BearEyes

            so true. I learned that lesson years ago and that relationship failed miserably. Currently in a 19 year relationship, married. We do compromise when appropriate and keep our respective identities and interests whilst knowing our shared values and interests. Takes effort, but it’s paid off.

          • StSean

            The Insidious We, right?

          • 2karmanot

            The ‘compromise’ is such an intimate, rich and wonderful communication that deepens love and sustains the volatility of mind over time.

          • oikos

            That is also about retaining individuality. We accept who each of us are: similarities and differences.

          • Trog

            Oikos, you are so right-on. I’ve been learning this lesson the hard way the past summer. Thing is, sometimes, in the midst of love, you put the blinders on–without even knowing it. I guess that’s a lesson too.

          • oikos

            We all do it. I was in a really bad relationship prior to this one and I learned a valuable lesson about accepting myself and others as they are.

          • Ninja0980

            Indeed, but so many people don’t realize that.

        • 2karmanot

          Bingo!

        • Jeff

          I must be really blessed. My first partner and I were together for over 27 years before he passed due to cancer. My current partner and I are on our 15th year together.

          .

          I know you’re asking:

          1. First relationship was kind of a “modified” open marriage (see no. 3)

          2. Current relationship; I catch him with anybody else and they’ll never find the bodies

          3. Even more bizarre is that the second partner moved in with us four years before the first one died. When we went out, I’d introduce the first as my “Lover” and the second as my “boyfriend”. And no, we did NOT have three ways.

        • JW Swift

          Co-dependencies developed over many, many years did seem to be the root of many, if not most, of my own parent’s arguments and fights.

          • JD

            Yes, a co-dependent relationship is not a healthy one in which each person is whole and finds both commonalities and differences to share…co-dependents do not risk being real for fear of losing that which makes them whole…strong believer in the challenging work of being real with my partner of 20+ years…proudly new granddads!

        • Ninja0980

          Indeed, you can’t have a healthy relationship by being together 24/7.
          My hubby and I make it a point to do things with our own group of friends once to twice a month.
          And right now, he is into football while I’m watching baseball.
          Like you, it has worked out for us close to 13 years now, and with any luck, it will work the rest of our lives.

      • Joseph Miceli

        Thank you.
        I do seem to be attracted to men who have made bad choices. I’m sure some therapy would root out the insecurities that push me in that direction. Still, I’m always willing to overlook their drawbacks as long as they are a stereotypically masculine bottom. Sigh.
        We like what we like.

        • GarySFBCN

          The most important thing is not become ‘socially isolated’, which is something that men over 60 (both straight and gay) are prone to do. It is unhealthy and unhappy.

          • Joseph Miceli

            I am friends with a loose circle of kids in their late 20’s and early 30’s. What makes us friends is that I never hit on them. There have been nights when they hit on ME but I just never felt any attraction.
            Still, they are good kids and I try to steer them right. I nagged two of them to successfully get their degrees and another into leaving his dead end abusive job to go to a better job. I just wish sometimes that I had more friends my own age.

          • Chucktech

            You’re a good man, Joseph Miceli!

          • Joseph Miceli

            Ha! I’m a busybody! Thanks, though!

          • Chucktech

            Hmm, now I don’t like you anymore… 😉

          • barracks9

            Sure, but you’re OUR busybody!

          • oikos

            I’ll second that!

          • CanuckDon

            My advice….start a group with the intention of making friends rather than fuckbuddies. I was tired of meeting up with guys that just ended up as sexual encounters but this seemed to be the only way that two gay men could try to form a friendship…meet up, chat for awhile, get naked.

            Currently the group that I formed over two years ago has now over 300 members and I now have Sunday brunch with a bunch of friends that I didn’t have just over a year and half ago. There are a lot of men our age and older (I’m 54) that get too comfortable staying at home. It’s wonderful to see some of them making the attempt at getting out and socializing again.

          • Joseph Miceli

            Never had a fuckbuddy and I don’t hook up. I’m pretty old fashioned. You do sound like you have a great social life, though.

          • CanuckDon

            I’m old fashioned as well and I didn’t do much hooking up when I was younger but in these last few years, I’ve been coping with way too many losses of people who had always been in my life. When my dearest long time friend died of ovarian cancer six years ago, I realized life is way too short for me to deny myself some frolicking fun…so I’m finally throwing caution to the wind. I’ll always be safe and careful but I still have a lotta living and loving to do.

          • Joseph Miceli

            I admire that! I’ve always been too cautious and reserved for my own good. You only get to do this once.
            My condolences on your losses.

          • CanuckDon

            Thank you. I know that Lori (my friend who passed away over six years ago) would be giving me many thumbs up. She was the one who would always point out when some guy was cruising me!

          • JW Swift

            Too bad that it took such tragedies to reach such a point, but that sounds like a wonderful attitude to have. Still trying to reach that point, myself. Hope it doesn’t also require coping with significant losses to get me there (but then, that’s one of the few advantages to being an introvert who doesn’t easily make any truly good, close friends–at least there aren’t as many opportunities for such losses to come along.)

          • JW Swift

            Wish I knew of a group like that near me. At this stage of my life, that would probably be more my speed.

          • CanuckDon

            I never considered myself a leader of anything but there is just very little in my city for gay men in general. I come from a past of DJing and volunteering in gay events. Basically I was pissed off to see how things have ended and decided to stop bitching and do something about it…..not easy when you’re a bit of an introvert like me…lol

          • JW Swift

            I consider myself pretty much an introvert, myself, and cannot see myself organizing anything to that degree, but glad to hear that you’ve managed it. I do try not to just bitch about things that I’d like to see changed if I’m not going to be part of the solution, but it doesn’t stop me from wishing things were a bit different here and there.

          • Eebadee-eebadee-thatsallfolks

            This is exactly what I love about Palm Springs. It’s a whole (small) city of gay men over 40 and the way that changes the social dynamics everywhere you go there (the gym, the coffeehouse, the grocery store, etc.) Is AMAZING.

            I did, however, hear a nice straight woman tell me the last time I was there that it wasn’t so amazing for her and that she often felt excluded in PS.

          • Chucktech

            Being socially isolated and being in a relationship are two completely different things. Socially isolated? Generally not good for you. Being single? Not necessarily bad for you, and some people thrive that way.

          • Justin

            This is a subject that I harp on to my husband. We have an excellent object lesson in isolation with his parents: we were all they had at the end. I am determined that we do not end up like them… as we have no children to step into the gap as they did.

          • JW Swift

            It’s a worry of mine, also. I’ve always tended to be a keep-to-myself kind of person, and don’t make friends easily, so I may have a number of acquaintances, but almost none that I count as actual friends who I feel I could count upon in times that I could use some help (emotionally or otherwise). Once I was in a settled relationship, I thought I would have him to count upon, and we seemed compatible enough that I expected the relationship to be “the one” that we’d be in until one of us died, but alas, I was wrong, and he ended it a couple of years ago, so now, I’m back to being in a high-wire balancing act, hoping that I don’t ever need to be in a situation where I need to count upon someone else for anything truly important. If such a situation were to come up anytime soon, I’d be seriously out of luck.

          • Trog

            JW Swift. I totally empathize with your situation. But … what’re your thoughts on trying to get out of your comfort zone and making more acquaintances? I have had a tough time with that at points in my life, but then I discovered, when I simply forced myself to get out of the house, that it wasn’t such an ordeal after all. Even the times that didn’t work out so great, those experiences weren’t traumatic or anything.

          • JW Swift

            Thanks for the comments. I feel like I keep myself busy with work and now keeping up a house on my own (before my last relationship, I had only been a renter, with no requirements to maintain a yard or deal with other household stuff other than cleaning) and now that I’m older, I feel like there’s less energy (or interest) in doing much of anything after getting home, fixing something to eat, and doing whatever must be done around the house, but it’s possible that part of that is just an excuse to stay in.

            And indeed, that was much the route I took prior to meeting my ex. I had become involved with a gay bowling league, I sang with a local amateur gay chorus and was very involved with the behind-the-scenes work for the chorus, and had also been involved for a while volunteering for the local gay community center. But various idiots and power-hungry personalities wound-up, sooner or later, imploding each of those groups I got involved with, and/or the groups would start taking up much more of my time and energy than I ever intended for them to take, or something would sour the experience and has left me a bit gun-shy about getting involved again or even putting myself out there very much. I have made a couple of couples who’ve become sort-of friends, and am not completely socially isolated, but with the bad experiences I’ve had in social situations, it’s hard to find the desire to be “out” there and vulnerable again, especially having less energy and ability to recover from late nights now that I’m (a bit) older.

          • CanuckDon

            The nice thing with my men’s group is the balance of single guys and couples….couples who are sincerely just looking for others to be friends with and not sexual partners.

        • Larry Ft Pierce

          Silver daddies.com ………. all ages there.

          • CanuckDon

            And lots of “silver daddies” seeking other “silver daddies”.

        • Eebadee-eebadee-thatsallfolks

          You and I must be twins separated at birth.

          • Joseph Miceli

            We should get together, get drunk and bitch about men. It’ll be like 50 percent of the Golden Girls!

      • Larry Ft Pierce

        Shared VALUES are the key. interests SHOULD be different, in some part, at least.

      • Gerry Fisher

        >My lesson was to discover that the guys I was attracted to were all wrong for me.

        HUGE issue for me when I was younger. I kept trying to date the Marlboro Man.

      • Raybob

        Amen! “All that glitters is not gold” was a hard lesson for me, too. My husband of six+ years and I are not at all each others’ physical types, which has its own challenges, but each others’ spirits are tailor-made for the other. I never thought I’d ever find a man like this.

        And, btw, we’re 53 and 54, respectively, and we have FINALLY become the old men that each of us loves. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with old men, hon.

    • WildwoodGuy

      All very valid points Joseph! Add in being HIV positive and the sero-sorting of relationships by SOME gay men, it makes it even more difficult.

      Was just talking with another single friend on Sunday and said essentially the same as you. I’m happy with myself and although I sometimes THINK I might be interested in finding Mr. Right, I’m just fine for now on my own.

      • JW Swift

        Probably the healthiest attitude to have.

    • Chucktech

      “but I’m happy on my own and that counts for something as well.”

      Damn right it does.

      My wonderful hubby was given a death sentence that seems to have been put on hiatus, but I have this dread that it may roar back (the doctors say it will). I can’t imagine trying to find someone again, but I think I may be able to compartmentalize it and go on alone. Indeed, what other choice would I have?

      • Joseph Miceli

        That’s terrible!….life just isn’t fair. I hope your doctors are wrong and you get another 28!

    • Robert Cummins

      I completely agree. I’m 42, been out since I was 15, and still single and have done every cliche in the book. I’ve not looked, I’ve looked earnestly, I’ve tried compromising, I’ve tried to settle. Sometimes there just isn’t that person that will be a compliment who you are. If there was someone for everyone we’d all be married, or ar least heavily dating, and happy. Not to say I’m not happy in my own right, but trust me, there are moments that punch you in the face that make you realize how much being single sucks…sometimes. Heck, you can’t book a simple cruise for just you somewhere unless you’re willing to pay for two people cause their pricing is based on double occupancy no matter if you are traveling with someone or not. Sometimes being single is great, but other times… 🙁

      • Joseph Miceli

        Yes, I’ve run across that crap on booking trips before. Extremely annoying.
        Still, it is nice to come home to the quiet.
        🙂

      • Rambie

        “Double occupancy” pisses me off too.

        • Robert Cummins

          It’s 100% discriminatory and is making an assumption about single people.

          • Reality.Bites

            No, it’s recognizing the fact that they can easily sell the room to two people, so why sell it for half price?

            When rooms go empty, rates fall.

    • Mark McGovern

      I have seen this happen time and again with my straight friends. I’m no expert, but the trick seems to be to become comfortable with who you are and with the fact you may live your life as a single person, and that self realization and acceptance translates to a palpable confidence that is sexy and attractive to other men/women of many ages.

      • lymis

        I remember Marianne Williamson putting it this way (from memory, so may not be 100% accurate):
        “I was spending a huge amount of time obsessing why no man wanted to spend the night alone with me, and then I heard myself say, ‘Marianne, YOU don’t want to spend a night alone with you. Why would anyone else?'”

        Being and interesting person who has fun being around people is one way of getting people interested in having fun with you. And gives you something to do in the meantime.

        • Mark McGovern

          Can’t argue with that…

        • whollyfool

          I remember her saying that. It had a big impact on me too.

      • JW Swift

        I had been mostly single for most of my life (longest relationship was maybe 2 or 2-1/2 yrs.) then, as you say, during a period when I was pretty comfortable with being single (yet, at the same time, curiously, bordering upon depression over life in general, not especially about relationship status at all) I met the guy I thought fit me like a glove, and we were together for just over 8 years. That ended a bit over two years ago (his choice) but now I’m finding that I’m “settled” enough as a person and again becoming used to being single, also, but I’m not meeting people, in general, either.

        Before, I was a bit more active in the community but got “burned” by some of those activities and the personalities and politics involved in those groups/organizations, so I’m not anxious to get back out there in those ways, nor do I find the bars all that interesting (and am also not young enough to be out late at night and still be OK at work the next day) nor do I find people who interest me from the little bit of exposure I have on the couple of dating/hook-up apps I’ve joined (the ones a bit less hook-up only oriented, i.e. not Grindr). All in all, I’m beginning to think I might wind up being alone for the foreseeable future.

        Maybe my self-confidence is not entirely restored from my breakup, but as things stand right now, I don’t really meet many new people as part of my everyday life, since I do kinda’ tend to keep to myself a lot, and most of the typical activities/methods to put yourself out there and meet people are not interesting me as much as they did when I was younger (almost a “been there, done that” feeling). I don’t feel like it’s exactly a crisis, but I’m just not seeing too many viable options for changing my life to allow me to be “out” there and meeting new people in order to potentially find a new boyfriend/husband.

        • Mark McGovern

          I know nothing is cut and dried in life. What I said applies to some, not all. While I am the last person to give advice, if I was single, and not getting to where I wanted to be in the place I lived, I might consider, as Scott says to Harvey Milk in Milk, that I need a “new scene”. Otherwise, one must find contentment where they are…no?

          • JW Swift

            Wasn’t attempting to counter anything you said, just adding what my own experience has been. I agree that the confidence from being OK with yourself without a relationship is something that other guys pick-up upon and find attractive. I think it helped me to meet my last guy, in fact. But when I first began my reply, I was initially wondering if I’ve somehow become TOO comfortable with being single, then as I was writing the reply, began to realize that it may have more to do with simply not being quite as much “out there” or exposed to meeting new people as I had been before this last relationship. I’d be open to finding ways to put myself out there, but just don’t see too many options that interest me (since most of them, I have tried before and ultimately didn’t enjoy).

            But to your last sentence, yes, I suppose that if I’m not going to do those things that would open me up to meeting more people, and since I meet extremely few new people in my day-to-day life now, I will probably need to become content with being alone (and I suspect I’m not all that far from that point, already).

          • Mark McGovern

            Do you mind if I ask your age? No answer or tell me to FO is OK 😉

          • JW Swift

            Not a problem. Hit the ripe ol’ age (snicker!) of 54 last month.

          • Mark McGovern

            Holy shit, that’s young!

          • JW Swift

            Ha! Thanks. Haven’t been feeling that way lately.

          • Mark McGovern

            Hey I wish I was 54 again! You are so lucky to be so young. There is no wealth like years in the bank.

            My partner is 51 and I am 57. BUT, we are just starting a new business – it is our “new scene” – check it out leegayledesigns on facebook.

            My point is my partner is re-inventing himself at age 51, so……if you are not happy maybe feel young by doing something young…

          • JW Swift

            I’m at the point after my break-up (now just barely over two years since the bomb was dropped) where I don’t feel like I’m hurting, exactly, but finding the motivation to do much of anything that I don’t really have to do, just isn’t there yet.

            Indeed, motivation has always been a problem for me, which I’ve often chalked-up to being largely due to my self-esteem issues since childhood, but on the other hand, I suppose that you can make only just so many excuses and then you’ve got to deal with reality. My age was also creeping up on me during my relationship, and even though, in my head, I don’t feel like I’m a mid-fifties person, still, physically my age has been a lot more noticeable since the break-up because I can’t go out and do all the late-night stuff that I could still sometimes get away with about ten years ago (up until I met the ex).

            Anyway, I agree with you in principle, I just can’t seem to convince myself to find the motivation to get started. Nor does there seem to be much of anything else (like a new business) that I would want to do, or anything I can think of to reinvent myself, no real passion for a cause that drives me, etc. It’s almost like I’m just trying to get from one day to the next. Maybe it’s time for some serious self-examination and/or soul-searching to see if there IS anything to get passionate about. I dunno.

        • J.Karl Peters

          Totally can relate to the politics, cliques and bullying in many social groups I’ve been involved with. Too old for all that drama now.

          • JW Swift

            That’s how I’m feeling. But those groups are (or should be, if it weren’t for the idiots who wind up ruining them) good ways to get yourself “out there” to meet people and not in a meat-market/hook-up kind of way (like the bars or Grindr). So having those groups NOT be viable options because of the politics, cliques and bullying just further limits the ability to be “out there” and meet people in an environment that would be more comfortable for me, anyway.

    • crewman

      About Graham Norton: I know (and have dated) people who are fun and interesting in a crowd, but demand the spotlight and make horrible boyfriends. They are the last people to be able to see this about themselves. They are so amazing, how could they be single? People in show business probably have this personality a bit more than the general population.

      But narcissistic people aside, I like the Golden Girls model of relationship. A good group of close friends you aren’t romantically involved with is an amazing thing. I have had long periods of my life as a single man, and extended periods in relationships. Both can be great. And the grass is always greener on the other side unless you conscientiously raise your awareness every now and then and appreciate what you do have instead of longing for what you don’t have. I’ve had plenty of friends who drive themselves to agony longing for a relationship.

      • Joseph Miceli

        It is strange isn’t it. All your life they tell you…”there’s someone for everyone” as if that were the only acceptable outcome and everything else is tragedy. Well, all I know is that I don’t have to crowd my Lalique onto one side of the shelf to make room for my hypothetical hubby’s NFL shot glass collection.
        Living alone does have its bonuses.

      • Jeffrey

        I briefly dated a guy who was a well known comedian. I thought he was the funniest thing ever, but he literally could not turn off Spotlight Mode. In groups that was fine, people thought he was awesome boyfriend material. Lasted a couple of months.

        • crewman

          I thought he was the funniest thing ever

          … so not Adam Sandler?

          • Jeffrey

            Clearly not lol

          • …did you say you’re single at the moment?

        • Reality.Bites

          I think now that Rodney Dangerfield is dead you can admit it was him.

          George Carlin?

          • Jeffrey

            I wish it had been George Carlin. But I’m only 44.

    • VodkaAndPolitics

      Awwwwe, Hugs!

    • Eebadee-eebadee-thatsallfolks

      Ditto to everything you and Graham Norton said. I feel exactly the same way.

      I do sometimes get a little angry (but I always try to hide it) when people say things like “Don’t give up” or “The right guy for you is out there somewhere” or “It’ll happen when you’re not looking for it”. I stopped looking for it 15 years ago. I got brutally honest with myself and admitted that if it didn’t happen by the time I was 40 it was never going to happen and wasting time and energy on a mythical relationship would detract from every other aspect of my life. And I have never regretted that moment of intense realism since then.

      • Trog

        By the time you were 40?!?? That’s awfully young to abandon ship. For me, life (and my acceptance of myself) got much better in my 40s.
        (But I’m not saying you need to look for someone; we each has to do what makes us happy)

        • Eebadee-eebadee-thatsallfolks

          I don’t see it as abandoning ship. I see it as a clear recognition of what ship I’m on.

          And like I said, I haven’t regretted for one moment giving up on that enormously time-consuming & energy-draining focus I had before. Too many wonderful things and accomplishments and adventures have happened in my life in the last 15 years than I could possibly list, and I know I wouldn’t have had them if I was still on the trail of the non-existant Mr. Right.

          Before, I was unnecessarily making myself miserable by buying into that myth that everybody has to be paired off and that someone/-thing was missing, when the obvious, simplest answer was that nothing at all was missing and I was fine the way I was. Looking back now, I can see it was the whole dating process that was the major source of aggravation and disappointment in my earlier life.

    • JD

      Being happy on your own counts for EVERYTHING.

    • bambinoitaliano

      There’s no advantage of one status over the other. Both have it’s advantages and disadvantages. It’s a matter of what you are willing to put up with or compromise in exchange of living alone or living with a partner. Very much like the animal kingdom. Some prefer to be in solitude while others prefer living among families.

      • Joseph Miceli

        After all the yelling and screaming my Italian family when I was a kid, maybe that’s why I prefer it quiet.

        • CanuckDon

          lol…you might be onto something. I come from a family with five brothers and sisters.

    • bkmn

      I think until you are happy with yourself and your life that you are not really ready for a relationship. And the best relationships are ones that you don’t go looking for. Good luck Joseph.

    • FAEN

      I’m in my early 40’s and if I were single I would date you. You’re intelligent, funny and cute!

      • Joseph Miceli

        SEE!!!! All the good ones are taken! 🙂
        Thanks!

    • Webslinger

      Never confuse dating with hooking up…no matter how often you get laid and no matter how great it is…you are NOT dating…especially if that is not in the other person’s desires…

      Being in a relationship is like tuning into the same frequency and adjusting when you hear the static…

      http://www.pixteller.com/pdata/t/l-86664.jpg

      • Joseph Miceli

        I have never confused the two…although in gay life it seems now that hooking up precedes dating. I’m not comfortable with that.

    • Jamie Brewer

      I lost my partner back in 1992. That was such a watershed year for death. i lost half my address book that year. I pretty much shut down to ever wanting to be in a relationship again. Dan Savage has given the advice, “Live your life to make yourself happy. If you meet someone along the way, great. If not, you have lived a happy life.” That has worked for me…

      • Joseph Miceli

        Wow. That’s tough. I was in the army during the height of the plague, from ’85 to 89. I was never all that social to begin with and I lost track of the few people I was casually connected with when I was in the Army. When I got out….I didn’t know anyone because all the cute guys I’d met …they were just gone.
        I didn’t really know anyone that well so the impact was harsh, but for you…I’m so sorry you went through that.
        Life goes on whether you want it to or not. You just keep going.
        After that I never really did connect with anyone again.

      • Pete

        Sorry you lost your partner. Those were terrible years, and I am glad you pulled through them.

    • Gordon.

      A really excellent post…

      • Joseph Miceli

        Just my life, but thanks!

    • Stubenville

      A few years ahead of you, and I agree completely.

  • Aman InAmsterdam

    Well, if his off screen humour is just as bad as it is on TV, no wonder he is single.

    • MattM

      You seem pleasant. I’m sure you partnered and popular. With a winning personality like yours, it’s without doubt 😛

    • Jonathan

      I find him annoying. I agree with you. Graham Norton seems a swishy clown to me.

    • Cylux

      I know, can you imagine being known as “Graham Norton’s boyfriend”.

  • Dramphooey

    Maybe he’d find someone if he hadn’t installed that chair in his home that dumps people backward when the story gets boring.

  • Vatican Lokey

    Mature men are the sexiest! Until I met my husband (11 years older than me,) I actively went after men in their 40s and up. Now that I’m nearly 50, I’ve finally become the daddy I used to cruise!

  • LovesIrony

    It’s fine with me if he wants to be single or wants to date but why the slam on the people around him that are in a relationship?

    • Joseph Miceli

      I just think he’s being honest. Some people really aren’t suited for long term relationships and he’s just one of them.

      • Gyeo

        The single life is just as much of an experience as a relationship one and for some people that experience is their whole lives. If a person is content with being single then I see nothing wrong with them pursuing that life.

        • LovesIrony

          me either but again why the slam on those around him in a relationship?

      • LovesIrony

        but why the slam on others relationships? I couldn’t be happier I have someone I love to come home to each night and the workday frustrations disappear. I am proud of our marriage and long term love and I find that “Really? that doesn’t look like winning” comment wrong. I have won the jackpot with my husband and he complains about not getting a date.

        • Joseph Miceli

          Yes, he was insensitive, but I can see why he might do that.
          Sour grapes.

        • JW Swift

          I’ve been in situations where coupled friends of mine appear (to me) to have (what I’d consider to be) dysfunctional relationships and wonder to myself how they can find it satisfying enough to stay together. Then I have to remind myself that everyone’s different and what wouldn’t work for me might be working for them. It’s possible that Norton realizes this but it wasn’t included in the quote or the article.

          • Jonty Coppersmith

            Ever watched Vicious? Your couple friends in dysfunctional relationships sound like Stewart and Freddie, but those characters seem happy together despite their dysfunction.

          • JW Swift

            Agreed, and pretty much the point I was trying to make. And yes, I LOVE “Vicious”.

  • vorpal

    I just turned 38 yesterday, and I absolutely prefer older guys. Guys in their late 40s or above are freaking sexy as hell to this little kitty!

    • delk

      Happy Birthday! My husband hit the big 5-0 today.

      • vorpal

        Thanks, delk, and a give your husband a big birthday hug from me!

    • MDB

      C’mere my little pussycat friend and jump into my lap. I’ll have you purring in no time !!!
      * hope you had a wonderful birthday 🙂

      • vorpal

        I did… and I haven’t forgotten about your email! I just had a roaring headache from hell yesterday evening and whimpered in bed. (The rest of the day was great, though!)

        I don’t have to jump in your lap. I’ve already been here for quite some time, waiting for you to notice and provide some sensual rubs ;-).

  • BearDAD

    He’s wrong. I know many, many gay men that are his age that have a very active dating/social life within their own age range. Try Prime Timers. They are a social organization full of mature gay men looking for other mature gay men. They have chapters all over the world.
    http://www.primetimersww.com/

    However, relationships require compromise and if he’s unwilling then he obviously would rather be single.

    • Queequeg

      Yes, I think the problem is with him, not everyone else.

  • Todd20036

    Age is really just a number, as cliché as that sounds. Even looks fade. (Or so I’ve heard). Fact is, personality is more important, but gay men (myself included) are hung up on looks an awful lot.

    • Chucktech

      Personality is more important, and you can always have work done…

      • Jonathan

        personality is everything. Looks? Meh, some people are too pretty and it seems to absorb them. I’d rather have someone intelligent and bearish that I could talk to.
        I’m skinny so the bears don’t tend to be attracted to me.

  • MattM

    I’m probably not helping, since I refuse to date/sleep with people over a certain age.

    • Chris Larosa

      Hey. 70 is the new 30. Geez…

    • Jonathan

      Good luck when you’re over that age and meet people like you. I know we seem to be attracted to what we are, but it seems to me that growing older is more difficult for people who only seek a certain age they are themselves no longer.

      • MattM

        I wasn’t clear: I didn’t mean I won’t date people over a certain age. What I meant was I won’t date people over a certain age difference to myself. That certain age difference is the one between my brother and I. It already feels like he and I are a whole generation apart. He’s 7 years older than me. The larger the age difference, the bigger cultural divide there is. That’s a really weird way of putting it, but my words fail me right now. This preference may (and probably will) change as time progresses, but for now (while I’m still in my 20s) this is what I’m comfortable with.

    • No worries Matt because you are sort of saying what Graham did about men in their 50’s…they won’t date/sleep with anybody over a certain age that just happens to be 30 to 35.

  • m_lp_ql_m

    Men my age don’t date men my age in my income bracket.

    • Jonty Coppersmith

      That’s too bad. They don’t know what they’re missing out on. There’s more to a man than the size of his bank account.

  • Rebecca Gardner

    WOW! He looks a heck of a lot older than 52.

  • Chris Larosa

    Ok, I’m 51 (I mean, just look at my photo) and my sig other is 50. Met him 3 years ago. Not remotely interested in someone significantly younger than me. Perhaps Graham is generalizing? IMHO, I think younger guys are more repelled by dating older guys than older guys dating older guys. Too bad cuz older guys are hot! 😀

    • Queequeg

      Agreed. I think we have more in common with people our own age. Yes, older guys are hot, which is why “daddy” porn is popular.
      You llok great in your photo. Who does your hair?

      • Chris Larosa

        Michelle Duggar. Thanks for asking!

        • Queequeg

          Lovely

    • Joseph Miceli

      Dude, your avatar is going to give me nightmares.

  • MikeinATL

    Thing is, a lot of younger guys don’t date guys their age either and go of the 50 year olds… I guess I was lucky (I’m 51)… After YEARS of living the closet, I found the perfect match for me and he’s only 3 years younger.

  • I see many men in my community who we affectionately call “elder gays” here on JMG (myself included) who seem to have blinders on regarding men their own age. IMO, it’s a construct of aging for many men and a way to hold onto lost youth and the notion of still being desirable. Of course, that’s nothing but bullshit sitting on the same throne of lies as Santa Claus, but who am I to judge?

    • Goodboy

      Maybe not judge but can we laugh at them at least. Oh wait. I already do.

  • delk

    I’m 53 and live across the street from a HS athletic field. The varsity football and baseball players sure are nice to look at, but that’s about it, lol.

    Besides, I just shaved off my giant white beard so my dad hotness level has decreased. LOL

  • MexicoTom

    I’m 60 and I’m not having any problems. But then I’m good at lowering the bar. That notwithstanding, I will agree that the older one gets, the fewer choices one has. It’s also true that a lot of men over 50 are ageist when it comes to partners and prefer young blood to earned maturity. But that leaves a lot that aren’t. If you end up searching for the type who isn’t attracted to you, it’s never going to work out.

  • Glen

    And this is different than heterosexual men how?

    • m_lp_ql_m

      True. Heterosexual men don’t date men their age either.

      • Glen

        Exactly!!

        😀

    • MikeBx2

      I agree, This is more of a man thing than a gay thing.

      • Glen

        Which is of course the point I was making.

        Though the misconstrued take on my post is rather amusing. 😛

      • Jonty Coppersmith

        I guess it’s shallowness of only focusing on physical beauty or a midlife crisis thing of trying to hang on to youth or something. The fact is though that there are some very attractive men in their 50’s.

      • Goodboy

        Biology speaking the male looks for partners that are best able to produce good offspring ie babies. Just because were gay doesn’t change that. Animal propagation of the species and all.

        Yeah, I can’t believe I just said. Just saw that in some nature show or something and I stand by that logic…I think.

    • Chucktech

      As long as the heterosexual man has money, pretty much…

  • Marides48

    I’m amused at listening to “old” 52 year old men & their relationships. I’m 67 years old & still living in the world of “shot happens” no matter what age you are. Maybe you’ll meet mister right, but that should not be the most important thing in your life. Coupled or single, live life for the moment.

  • Tor

    My beau and I are both 58, only two months apart. We have lots to talk about and similar life experiences.

  • PTBoat

    From what I’ve observed, the male fixation on youth has nothing to do with sexual orientation. It’s certainly not my fixation, but it seems to be a common one to men in general.

    • JCF

      I’m genderqueer, but male enough (despite the XX chromosomes) to have this tendency. There’s a woman I’m pursuing (but cool, COOL!) who I desperately HOPE is *at least* half my age. (I’m 53). What can I say? It’s not youth that I seek, but I can’t fake sexual attraction if it’s not there. And sadly, w/ women my age, it just so friggin’ rarely is.

  • At about 32 I had already realized that most of the people who were the coupling kind were already paired off. A friend (the blunt kind that we all need but often resent) told me point blank that if I wanted to be in a relationship I already would be. I was mad at the time but I think he was right. I wouldn’t mind being a good, healthy, functional relationship but I’m not willing to put up with the endless drama that some people do so they can avoid being alone. I don’t mind being single. I’d rather be alone that in a horrible relationship or even a mediocre one.

    • Chris Larosa

      hey. mediocre relationships are really underrated. ;P

      • JCF

        That’s one scary mofo avatar!

    • Jonty Coppersmith

      I get what you’re saying, but there is drama and conflict even in the best of relationships. People don’t always understand that and have a tendency to want to leave at the first sign of disagreement. It takes work and commitment to not run for the hills in the face of problems.

      • Problems I understand. I’m talking about drama. An actual problem is not “drama”. A work crisis, a family issue, health problems, etc. That’s not drama. That’s life. We deal with those issues. We work through them. Drama is when someone willfully blows everything up into a Eugene O’Neill epic play.

        And then there’s the big one that I would not tolerate (but that I see all the time, especially from straight couples) vocal, outright contempt for the S.O. in front of other people. DTMFA, as far as I’m concerned.

        • Jonty Coppersmith

          I think of problems, conflicts and disagreements as drama. I guess you’re talking about drama queens who like to make every issue a BFD. What’s DTMFA?

          • I was using drama in the self-inflicted sense. Obviously everyone has problems and conflicts and those require some work to address. There are also people who thrive on conflict and I like things to be rather peaceful at home.

            DTMFA is short for “dump the mother fucker already”. It’s a phrase from SavageLove used whenever someone is in a relationship that they need to get out of rather than try to fix. You can’t fix other people. You can work together to resolve problems but that takes both of you.

          • Jonty Coppersmith

            You’re right, only other people can fix other people. I’m like you in that I detest discord, yelling and such. I would never tolerate that crap.

  • Raising_Rlyeh

    I just don’t date. It may sound cliched, but I just don’t believe in love. It’s just not an emotion I can feel. I can care about people as friends and do things for them, but I can’t feel anything like love. It sometimes makes me feel a little like a sociopath.

    • vorpal

      I’m assuming that you can feel lust, though, right? Otherwise how would you identify with a sexual orientation?

      Love can be one of the best and most horrible feelings, depending on circumstances :-). I have been in love maybe five times, and there are times when it is wonderful and times where it is excruciating.

    • Jonty Coppersmith

      Caring about people and doing things for them, wanting them to be happy and fulfilled IS love. Love is not the butterflies in your stomach, ecstatic feeling of a fresh new relationship.

    • Jonathan

      I get the impression that bonding with people either happens when you are young or it doesn’t tend to happen. It seems learned and many of us, especially older, didn’t really have that experience growing up. We had to take too much time to leave where we were and then try to learn how to date and emotionally bond.

      Doesn’t seem to happen to me, either. The whole love thing is lost on me and I’m ok with it.

  • Michael White

    I am lucky. I was 53 when I met my soon to be husband (Saturday Oct 3). Met him at a party my leather club hosted. We celebrate 12 years together on Oct 4. You never know when it will happen, you need to be open.

    • Ore Carmi

      Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!

  • Lumpy Gaga

    “All the good ones are married and gay.”

    • m_lp_ql_m

      All the good ones my age are married to women and gay.

  • SpunkyBunks

    Nah, its him. I bet he chases after young dumb twinks that are way too cute for him. Isn’t he rich too? Like I said, its him.

    I’m 39 and love guys his age. Daddies to the front of the line!

    • Reality.Bites

      He’s rich, famous and in good shape. (Check him out in Another Gay Movie). He could get all the cute twinks he wants. But if you read the article you’d realize he doesn’t want cute young twinks.

  • Queequeg

    I disagree on a few points. There are many examples of good, long lasting, relationships. My husband and I have been together for almost 45 years. Sure, it takes some compromise, and isn’t always easy, but anything worth having requires some effort. Graham paints it as all negative, when, in fact, the positives far outweigh the negatives.
    As for attraction, I find people my age attractive. Young guys are hot, but, if I were single, I’m pretty sure I’d be looking for someone in my own age group.

    • Chucktech

      45 years! Congrats!

      • Queequeg

        Thanks.

    • Mawm

      I’ve had several gay male friends through the years who have complained about not meeting the right guy, but when I pointed out that maybe being 45 and looking at 20 somethings isn’t going to get you there, they want to make speeches about how they can’t control who they fall for.

      I know I will get pilloried for this, and I’m sure there are some success stories, but I seriously think people should stick to their own age. There is something about being at different places in your life that becomes a barrier to intimacy. My theory is that people who are constantly seeking someone younger are sub-consciously trying to avoid intimacy.

      • Queequeg

        I agree younger gays certainly are physically attractive, but, in a relationship, I think that the more you have in common, the better. Graham Norton seems to have unrealistic expectations.

        • Reality.Bites

          You misunderstood his point. He’s trying to date guys his age and finds they’re not interested.

          • Queequeg

            I’ll reread the post. Thanks.

          • Finally! I had to scroll through all these posts before somebody finally mentioned the main point Graham was trying to make.
            It’s not easy at all to find a date when you are over a certain age. I know it’s hardly scientific but, a lot of the men on Scruff who are his (Graham’s) age all or almost all seem to be looking for guys half their age. It gets a little better when you get into my age range (64 in December) but there are still a lot of guys looking for younger than sixty.

      • JW Swift

        In general, that’s probably sound advice, but I’ve also known guys who just can’t shake being attracted to either older OR younger (depending upon the person). And I’ve seen May/December relationships that do work if the people do happen to be compatible with each other. My ex was a bit over 8 years older than me, even though I tended to find guys just under my age USUALLY more attractive than older, but I was overall pretty happy in the relationship (until it ended, that is) and wasn’t all that concerned about the age difference or even the cultural things that come up with age differences (he was a Beatles, Joplin kinda’ guy, and I skewed more towards light rock and dance music, for example) were of extremely minor importance to me vs. the ways in which we did seem to mesh well together (almost identical expectations about consideration for each other, having extremely few dependencies upon each other, etc.). In fact, I had never found anyone who seemed so close of a match to me before, and probably won’t again.

        • My ex was 15 years younger, we met when he was 24. For years in the back of my mind was a worry that when he hit his 40’s and experienced his mid-life crisis he would either want a sports car or a younger boyfriend. One guess which he chose.
          There I was, dumped at age 60 after 21 years and no clue how to get back into the dating scene which has drastically changed.

          • JW Swift

            Ugh. I figured that I was safe from that. I was already in my mid forties when I met my ex, and he was just over eight years older than me. Yet, at the risk of throwing out personal information about someone else, I’m convinced that he broke up with me to be able to go back to a life of casual sex that he’d been involved with (but never talked about) before he met me.

            I’d actually have been OK with trying to work things out and even open-up the relationship or something, but he didn’t even try. He let things build-up inside him for months and then just suddenly announced that it was over and was already too late for any reconciliation or working things out.

            But yes, in just those (now) ten years since we got together, it seems like the “scene” has changed drastically.

    • Mawm

      Oh and congrats on 45 years! My husband and I are coming up on 10 next year. I’m looking forward to my gift of aluminum.

      • Queequeg

        Thanks.

  • MDB

    I really enjoy being a mature man, having survived everything that we have all been through. It is really energizing, for me, to help younger guys navigate the obstacles of life – regardless of their sexual identity/orientation – and help them decide to make good choices in their personal lives, education, careers and friendships and hopefully prevent unnecessary failures and disappointments. These guys know without a doubt that they have an unbiased ear who will listen to them and actually hear what they have to say, and offer advice, friendship and support without exception. I try to always remember what I wished I would have had as a young man – in a mentor or someone who would have helped me make wise decisions not born in selfishness, or immaturity. (or just plain stupidity !)
    I have always been attracted to younger guys/men but like many here, it took me a couple of decades to get MY priorities aligned, and most of my demons conquered.

    • Goodboy

      I have no problems with spring/may romances or whatever it’s called. However, guys who are attracted to youth itself is a serious mental disorder.

  • TexasBoy

    “That’s the weird thing. Gay men my age don’t want to date someone their age.”

    Wrong, I am of “a certain age” and would love to find a husband that has memories of growing up in the same time frame.

  • Bernie Keefe

    Alas, this is exactly the same stigma I suffer.

  • TheManicMechanic

    Hell, I always thought I’d be forever single, but here it’s been 15 years for us so far, and a year-and-a-half with the official tied knot. I have a lot of friends my age and older that still play the field, and still have the home runs. It’s always the case where the two perfect people have not met yet. As far as younger goes, if I take my circle of gay friends as a whole, most couples seem to have kept their age differential within 10 years or so. There are a few outside the curve where the differential is far greater, and the reasons seem to tend to the more sexual side, and they also seem to be the more tenuous relationships. I have the constant knowledge that at my age, few would want to have anything to do with me were I single. But, you never know. I think some people are always going to be single, for whatever reasons. The self-hating homocons, well, that’s a sure bet. Others might just enjoy being free spirits. It’s sad that those that desire companionship might never achieve it.

    • Strepsi

      I can see why you were a catch, you’re obviously an optimist and a sweetheart.

      • TheManicMechanic

        I seem to be an optimist when it comes to others. Myself, well, never have been.

        • CanuckDon

          Sounds like you’re more of a realist which most people would find is one of your greater attractive qualities. There’s comfort in realism.

          • TheManicMechanic

            I am very much a realist. I like to think I am a bit of a dreamer too, something that gives me ideas for the future and, well, just for the fun of dreaming. But the forward looking thing is tempered by my realistic side most of the time. I’m the type when I see two sides arguing if the glass is half empty or half full, I take the glass and drink, because it is what it is. Make sense?

  • Dan

    I’m 46 and I’d kill to find someone around my age. No luck. I completely get what he means by feeling like he failed at something. Some lottery that everyone knew the rules to but me.

    • Robert Cummins

      LOL. I agree. I felt a long time ago that no one ever told me the rules to all this. Funny part is when friendship say they are playing games. I respond with “you’re assuming their smart enough to even know they are playing a game. Most aren’t. ”

      • JW Swift

        Indeed. I felt “stunted” (for lack of a better word) in learning social skills for dating and such. Even though I wasn’t officially “out” all that early, I still knew I was different and couldn’t bring myself to try and go through the dating rituals with girls when everyone else my age was doing so. I think being gay (or at least knowing I was different) also caused a serious hit to my self-esteem, feeling like I was always on the “outside looking in” and not fitting-in with my peers, which I think still affects me to this day, and helped cause me to become the keep-to-myself and not-very-outgoing person that I am.

        • Joseph Miceli

          Ditto to EVERYTHING you just wrote!!!! I never dated girls and was pretty unsocialized for the first 22 years of my life. When I started to date in my mid 20’s I was a boor. I didn’t know how to have a conversation, split a check, where to take someone…I was a disaster. After a few very memorable crash and burns I just stopped trying. Funny, because now I’m a waiter, I know all the good restaurants, have a wide variety of interests and can order confidently from the wine list. Life is strange.

          • JW Swift

            Heh. That really is kinda’ funny. It was quite the stereotype, and maybe still is for all I know, that nearly every gay man has been a waiter in his early life, yet you’ve become a waiter now (at whatever age you are, at this point).

            I try to arrange coffee dates or other low-key meet-ups at first, whenever possible, but even meeting guys that I find interesting enough to ask out, who are also interested in me, is the biggest challenge. I’m currently “settled” enough in my own life with work, keeping-up a house and yard on my own, etc., that my day-to-day life brings me into contact with extremely few new people to meet, and I haven’t yet been able to bring myself to start trying to do the bar scene again or spend very much time on the dating sites/apps or any other activities to bring me into contact with new people, so dating, either low-key or otherwise, hasn’t really been much of an option.

          • Joseph Miceli

            Oh, I became a waiter in my 30s and I am VERY good. I went fine dining a long time ago and never looked back. Amazing for someone who started life with no social skills at all.

          • JW Swift

            Heh. I STILL wouldn’t have enough social skills to be a waiter, even now in my mid-fifties. I can barely manage to not “go postal” dealing with the few (well, OK, several) customers I have to deal with at work, and they’re (usually) not as demanding as people at restaurants.

          • Joseph Miceli

            I’ve had one or two I’d like to post, but people are basically good. Most of my diners are very considerate, and being a man of a certain age gives me some gravitas. I also have a “don’t fuck with me face” and a deep voice. It makes a difference.

          • JW Swift

            Heh, again. I also have a deep voice, am a big guy (both tall and chunky), and am told that I typically have a “serious” expression on my face (probably equivalent to your “don’t fuck with me face”).

            While those attributes do sometimes have their advantages, they probably also keep people at bay whom I might otherwise wish to meet.

          • Joseph Miceli

            Tell me about it! In my late 20’s and into my 30’s guys in the clubs avoided me because they said I looked like an undercover cop.
            Good times.

          • Eebadee-eebadee-thatsallfolks

            Okay, now you’re just trying to give me a hard on. 😉

          • JW Swift

            Well I don’t think I could ever have been accused of that. But I do get what they mean about “looking serious” (as people have sometimes said about me). I think it has become my default “resting face” (I guess as opposed to a “resting bitch face” that I’ve been hearing about from social media for a while now.)

          • Joseph Miceli

            Yes, I’ve morphed with age into “resting stodgy face.” Oh well, there are worse fates.

        • Jonty Coppersmith

          I think many gay men our age would say the same. I’m very much the introvert. It wasn’t being gay specifically, but I attribute it to the harassment, ridicule and assault that I was subjected to from TV/Anita Bryant, at school and at home. I’ve made progress over the years, but I’m still more comfortable with a small gathering of dinner guests than larger venues. Big parties where you’re expected to mingle and engage in pointless small talk are torture.

          • JW Swift

            I think a lot of it, at least for me, WAS from being gay, even though, back during the truly formative years, I wouldn’t have even understood what the concept of sexuality was.

            I had pretty much always felt “different” before I even knew what “gay” meant, but part of being different did also include being non-athletic, usually fairly smart for my age, and (up until late teens) always tall and gawky for my age. So, yeah, there were other factors besides just being gay, but out of all the things that made me feel different from my peers, that was probably the largest factor.

          • Jonty Coppersmith

            I think we’re really agreeing about a lot, and I should probably just let it go as I’m not trying to be argumentative. I’m just hoping to clarify my perspective. I think it wasn’t being gay itself that caused me problems. It was they way society and others reacted that was the issue. Suppose that your classmates, your teachers and your parents had said to you ” We don’t care that you’re not good at sports. You’re a very smart boy, and we’re so proud of you. We’ll always love you no matter what.” Don’t you think that might have made a difference for you? I know it would have for me. If instead of tearing us down for being different, we had been loved unconditionally, validated and instilled with more self-esteem, many of us would have had far fewer issues in life.

          • JW Swift

            Yes, we have been mostly in agreement. When I referred to being gay as a large portion of things for me, I did in fact mean the way that I perceived that everyone else would (and many DID) react to me if they knew.

            My folks weren’t exactly monsters, either, and they did try to support me in general, and didn’t berate me because I wasn’t good at sports or anything. They would try to push me a bit, here and there, to try to have me give my best at anything I was trying to do (sometimes things I didn’t WANT to do, like sports, but had to do anyway for one reason or another) but none of it was unreasonable. Teachers from time to time did try to care, but I was usually too withdrawn to be reached. I think more of the blame for making me feel different and “on the outside looking in” was due to my peer group. It also didn’t help that my family moved around a lot when I was younger, so it seemed that I was always the “new kid in town,” but if I had also had more self-confidence and not always felt so ostracized by my peers, I think I could have weathered the constant moving around a lot better.

  • pickypecker
  • Mawm

    It’s not gay men. It’s men in general. Check out how many straight men divorce their wives to marry someone younger.

    • Joseph Miceli

      Why? What have you got against Newt and “the Donald?”

      • Mawm

        I’m sure Donald and possibly Newt have more power and cash than I do, but they’ll never know that the greatest prize in life is to find true love which happened to me. As long as my husband is with me I could be living in the projects with no money and be as happy as anyone on Earth.

        • Joseph Miceli

          …and that is what’ wrong with them!
          Good for you two!

      • Mawm

        Sorry, I just read your comment about not meeting someone. I didn’t mean to talk about my relationship in contrast to your experience. I was 38 when I met him, and before that I had never really had a relationship that lasted longer than a month. When we met I was doing a temp contract and had no intention on staying in the area. I had resolved to trick with every VT student on campus, but fate intervened and my plans were thwarted when we pretty much moved in together after a couple weeks.
        I guess my point is to really enjoy being alive and single, but don’t give up hope of meeting someone. It can happen in an instant and come from the most unexpected place.

        • Mawm

          Oh and I was out since the age of 18, so 20 years of wandering the gay wilderness.

        • Joseph Miceli

          Thank you for your kind words but you have nothing to apologize for. Newt and the Donald are fair game and I was just joking! You have a great day!

  • I was 50 when I met the man whom I’ve been with (and married to) for the last seven years. And believe me when I say that at 50, this was the absolute LAST thing I was expecting to happen!

  • BearEyes

    Any relationship will have its share of compromises. Those compromises need to be equitable and fair to make things work.

  • Jan Wesselius

    He is correct. I am 67 and cannot find anyone. So I just don’t look anymore. If it dose it will be a pleasant surprise. I was partnered happily for 8 years then cancer took him from me. It sure would be nice to find that one special man, again.

    • mjcc1987

      My man died at 50. We had been together for 27 years. I am lucky that I found someone close to my age again. I hope this will last the rest of my life.

      • Jan Wesselius

        I wish you all the best.

        • Chucktech

          And you, too, Jan. Cancer may take my precious hubby away from me. It seems bored with him right now…

    • FuBear

      Oh I would knock down that door 🙂

      • Jan Wesselius

        I meant I cannot find anyone near my age, that doesn’t live halfway across the USA.

        • FuBear

          Och! Touch me to the quick. Well it could be worse I could still be living back home in Scotland :). Though given my background and technology of today, its never been distance that was a killer factor to me.

  • Hryflex

    In my 20’s and 30’s I had a track record of dating guys who, once things got serious, would be offered great jobs elsewhere and would pick up and leave. In my 40’s it was all long-distance relationships with neither of us able to re-locate. In my 50’s I was the guy everyone wanted to cheat on their boyfriends with. Two years ago I met my husbear, in church of all places (although he says that he was stalking me on Adam4Adam for 3 months without realizing that I was the choir director; choir robes are not meant to be physically flattering). He is embarrassingly young (his mother is 10 years younger than I am), but it seems to be working since he is more of a homebody who would rather be reading, or watching Golden Girls, while I am always running from work to gym to rehearsal. Another reason it seems to be working is that what is left of my family is 5 hours away, while he has a huge, complicated extended family that has welcomed me (although they are making me fat, since they have a special occasion almost every weekend!)

    • Goodboy

      So that would make him like 30 + years your junior or two generations removed. Wow.

      • Hryflex

        I was sort of afraid that someone would do the math.

        • clay

          Yes, we’re not the ones who have trouble with math.

        • Reality.Bites

          For what it’s worth, my boyfriend is 22 and I am 57. We’ve only been together 6 months (On Oct. 4th) and like every relationship there are some issues, some of which are age-related and some of which are not. We’d both feel better if it was 47 and 32, but it is what it is.

        • SLC couple

          Fear not. My husband and partner of 36 years was 50 when we met, and I was 23. It has worked for us.

  • amboy00

    There is a term for those who prefer to date someone younger. It’s called “everyone”.

    • Ore Carmi

      Actually, that doesn’t include me. I’m not interested in men several years behind me in maturity/life experience.

      • Jonty Coppersmith

        Well maybe several in the sense of a few, but not more than 5 or 10 years younger to be sure. I hope I never have to worry about it though. Mike and I are about 3 years apart in age, and I always tell him that I’m going to die first because I wouldn’t make it without him. In reality, I would make it, but I don’t want to.

  • DisT

    So they topic has become younger men and they sh1t they bring along;
    We oughta ban inter-generational relationships.
    Stop these out-of-control young gays from throwing themselves to wise old gays.

    • Dramphooey

      LOL.

  • Megrim Twist

    I feel you, Graham.

  • MikeBx2

    I just turned 50 a couple of months ago. Like others, I’m comfortable with being single, but I’m still open to the remote possibility of connecting with someone. Age doesn’t really factor into it. I try to be what I want to attract, and those qualities could be found in a 30 year old or a 60 year old.

  • loosevowels

    when will they learn their type doesn’t exist and it’s not them it’s you

  • 2karmanot

    Boo F’ing Hoo. If love is present and matured, compromise is an art. I was with my husband twenty five years, until his death last Summer. He’s still with me. I could only hope you could have had such joy. I suspect Mr. Norton you are too self involved to ‘love’ anyone but yourself…..just say’un!

  • N649309 PG70

    I’m 53. Was in a good, but very boring, sexless relationship for 18 years. (Freaked out by HIV, kept me in it) After that finally ran it’s course, I started to date 24 year old’s, to get it out of my system. While they are beautiful to look at, and it did my ego good, it wasn’t what I really wanted. Finding a quality man my age, who is employed, adult, in decent shape, independent, drug free, tattoo free, good relationship with their Moms, Negative, excited about life and had similar interest was very difficult. I’m grateful site like OK Cupid exists. We found each other, having a great time, and falling in love after 50 is truly lovely. Never give up hope for love.

    • Goodboy

      Hey what’s wrong with Tattoos? What’evs. Glad you found someone.

      • N649309 PG70

        Proof of poor decision making.

        • Goodboy

          Well, good thing your partner didn’t list judgemental pricks as a dislike.

          • Jonty Coppersmith

            I would never have said that, and I’m not really a fan of tats either unless they’re small and inconspicuous. I only make decisions for me and would never tell others what decisions to make for themselves.

  • Justin

    I have to say that I found love when I wasn’t looking. And Mr. Right was not precisely the kind of guy I’d been looking for when I was looking… which is why it probably works, because I was clearly looking for the wrong man before that. When I did meet him – not expecting anything (and he wasn’t expecting anything, either) – I saw what an incredible catch he was…. and here we are 22 years later.

    And it’s complete nonsense that men in their 50’s won’t date other men in their 50’s. Even as average as I am (ok, I’m a big guy, but other than that pretty unremarkable), there are a number of guys my age (+/-) who’ve shown interest in me when I’ve been out in social situations. Perhaps if your expectations are unrealistic, the field narrows. But as far as I can tell, the pond is chock full of interesting, attractive men my age… if you’re not demanding that they all have perfect bodies and sculpted features, if you accept that ordinary people have something going for them, if you take the time to pay attention.

    • JW Swift

      While I accept that they are out there (indeed, I do see plenty of attractive people in my own age range as well as both older and younger) the big hurdle for me is meeting them. I do know they’re out there, since I see them in passing most anywhere I go–downtown in suits and ties, in the ‘burbs wearing casual attire, at the beach, etc.

      Unfortunately, I’ve never been any good OR comfortable with “breaking the ice” so just knowing they’re out there doesn’t do me much good, in fact, it just leads to frustration.

      • Justin

        I’m terrified at breaking the ice. I am learning to do it anyway. Don’t ask me how: I just force myself to do it. People are amazingly forgiving of my awkwardness. Often, they are as terrified as I am and are simply grateful that I spoke first.

        • JW Swift

          I’m trying to force myself to do it anyway, too, but with only limited success. Any time that I attempt it and it doesn’t go well, it unfortunately only reinforces my previous negative experiences and makes me all the more gun-shy, even though the occasions of being totally shot-down are not all the time. Although I don’t think that I’ve ever had someone say that they were glad that I spoke first or that they were hoping that I’d come up to talk to them. But yeah, in general, for me, I wouldn’t say that it’s terrifying, exactly, just extremely, EXTREMELY uncomfortable. Like I’m about to “invade” someone’s personal space or something. I just can’t seem to get over that feeling.

    • But Justin, you are not in the dating pool. There are way too many men in their 50’s on all the dating sites and apps who state in black and white the age range they are looking for…and thrust me when they say the range is from 25 to 50 they are really looking for 25 to 35. Or maybe 40. Even several guys here who after pooh poohing Graham posted their own mathematical formula for dating (half your age plus 7) and that does not equal someone your own age. Plus, so many guys lie, they take a few years off their age, add a few inches to their height and subtract a lot from their weight. But that is another issue!

      • Justin

        I’m just going by the interest I get… until they find out I’m married. And when I do see some of my single friends of a certain age hook up, it tends to be guys in the same age group. Again, this is purely subjective. Out in the wider world, it might very well be the picture y’all are painting.

  • Ragnar Lothbrok

    I will say it again ” It’s better to be alone, than to wish you were “.

  • greenmanTN

    What he says is often true, but not always. Personally, even when I was a “twink” I wasn’t interested in twinks. I can appreciate younger guys aesthetically but to me men aren’t really interesting until they are in their 30s at least. Now that I’m older I just don’t have much in common with younger men- we don’t share the same cultural references and perspectives. Generally my age range is someone 10 years younger OR older than me.

    A larger problem I’ve found is men who are unable or unwilling to give up their online activities. I’m currently “separated” from someone for many reasons, but a HUGE issue for me was his time spent online on a near daily basis: so far as I’m able to tell he is/was FAR more sexually interested in his online seductions that he was in the person who was actually there, me. He’s more interested in the chase than in the having, and I can’t live with that, at least not when it’s constant and ongoing.

    • JustSayin’

      Greenman, your last line is a telling indictment of males in general but a lot of gay men seem to fit that attitude.

      Being one of the elder gays who raised his daughter (who is 38) with my first partner (who is still in both our lives), I can say I share that experience with you.

      I run my company, a tech company, and have done very well over the decades since I retired from The Navy. I am personally not Interested in online dating or hook ups as I find them boring, and I am not interested in guys who have to seek out their next sexual conquest as they are boring.

      Yet whether it is meeting men at the gym, the bar, or even church, the majority I meet just want to fuck, which is okay. The younger ones however all seem to want a relationship; one bounded by constant sexual hook ups and with me taking care of them financially. To be fair I have also run across men my age whonalso expect those same things.

      I am just unwilling to raise and or financially support another adult.

      It is sadly lacking when they expect (hope?) That I will feed them steak and lobster and in return they offer a hamburger from Frosty Top (a New Orleans thing). Or they ask me to pay their rent because the little money they earn went to buying drinks or some latest fad item.

      That is not just my experience and I watch my friends of the same age struggle with how to deal with these situations that they bring on themeselves because they feel they have to be in some sort of relationship.

      I don’t have any answers but I am fine being single

  • StSean

    I’ve been single the last several years, and have come to realize that dating is not for me. I watch the gay romantic movies where one guy overcomes the other’s fears and misgivings, and enjoy how cute they are and hiw warm I feel watching them… then my anxiety and bad relationship models and fear of connecting to the “wrong” person rub up against the lovely notion of “Only connect…”. So, I kinda talk myself out of it.

    • Jonathan

      Dating is torture. It’s easier to stay home and imagine people than to deal with them in real life.

      • David Walker

        “Boys in the Band”: “There’s one thing to be said about masturbation: you certainly don’t have to look your best.”

        • Reality.Bites

          You do if you like watching yourself in the mirror!

        • Tom

          As Woody Allen wrote, at least it’s always sex with someone you love!

    • Jonty Coppersmith

      If you are really happy, then all is well. If not, try to find a way to overcome the anxiety ( which isn’t easy but I believe in better living through chemistry) and get back out there when you are ready. This may not be helpful, but I just hate to hear so many people here sound as if they have completely written off the prospect of finding love again.

      • StSean

        i am happy, thanks, and part of it is because of chemical enhancements 🙂 i sent an apology letter to my last boyfriend and tried to explain how little i didn’t know about the depth of my anxiety and looking back the stress it put on our relationship.

        i could date, but i don’t want to experiment on anyone.

        • Jonty Coppersmith

          I don’t think you would be experimenting on anyone if you work your way around to sharing your issues as things develop. You’d be surprised how many people probably have the same anxieties as you. How do I know? Thank FSM for Xanax!

  • MAP

    My husband I I have been together going on 31 years this coming June…it is about compromise, respect and learning to pick and choose your battles…you have to stop,take a deep breath and say to yourself “is this really worth arguing about?

  • Silver Badger

    Be the person you want. Like attracts like. Don’t look for Mr. Perfect. He never did exist.

  • StSean

    Also, a lot of the guys in town are straight-married or if they’re over 35, “no one over 27 need apply.”

  • Ragnar Lothbrok

    I never considered someones age. It’s either pure attraction, or it isn’t.
    I have had ” action ” with all ages, but 2 out of my 3 LTRs have been with those with 24 months of age.

    Other than that, I always thought if your legal and breathing- it could totally happen.

    • Silver Badger

      deleted. Ragnar’s correction made my response irrelevant.

      • Ragnar Lothbrok

        Fixed, not into infants 🙂

        • David Walker

          Right. There’s a duggar for that.

  • Gerry Fisher

    >But then I look at the relationships people around me have and I find
    myself asking, “Really?! That doesn’t look like winning to me.”

    I don’t know what he means by this. I meet a lot of really nice, healthy couples.

    I think someone hasn’t figured out dating and relationships despite his age and he’s projecting.

    • Eebadee-eebadee-thatsallfolks

      Those couples are out there, but there are plenty of people making each other miserable, too, and you have to have blinders on not to notice them.

  • vab251

    While one can’t change what he finds attractive, there is a glaring logical disconnect with only dating younger guys. One is expecting the younger guy not to have the same rule. If everyone had this rule, no one would date.

    I must say that at 64 years old, I am continually astonished and happy that a surprising number of guys significantly younger than me are interested. Since my generation was hit hard by the plague, there are few of my age peers who are available.

    Of course there are guys I find attractive who wouldn’t give me the time of day. Luckily, I have my hands full as it is. I am most comfortable with average looking guys and have never required a certain type.

  • David Walker

    Since this is more about us than Graham, Hubs and I celebrated our 37th anniversary two weekends ago. We met through a classified (late ’70s) which NEVER works. Half the year he’s 8 years younger than I, half the year he’s 9 years younger, and I’m 69 next month. I have no advice to offer to anyone on how to keep a relationship going. He still makes me laugh. He still surprises me. We share some interests and we’re also completely different in other things. Beatles’ lyric: “Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I’m 64?” He did and he still does, and I expect to do that in 4 years when he turns 64. We have shared good and horrible times…physical, personal, relationship. Because of his horrid back pain, I’m now a caregiver, which, frankly, I hadn’t considered being. He was going to be MY caregiver because I’m older. We compare wrinkles, hair color, aches and pains, anticipations, disappointments, and memories. Although it’s no longer physical (we’re both on drugs that cut down on the ol’ sex drive), there is still lots of physical contact. We speak our own language which would probably give other people diabetes or make them barf. We lavish affection on our cat, which she expects. We’ve been though a lot, we may go through a lot in the future, and I want to stick around to see what happens next.

    • Justin

      Outstanding!

      • David Walker

        Thanks.

    • JulieBL

      I love this so much.
      SO happy for you both!

      • David Walker

        Thank you.

    • JCF

      Mazel Tov!

      • David Walker

        Thank you.

  • Gindy51

    Straight men your age don’t want to date women their age.

  • Will

    It depends. When the right man came along he was 65 and I was 52. He put the moves on me right away and I was quickly able to see that the age difference was irrelevant, that he was a real catch. We had 18 truly glorious years together until his death last April, the best years of my life.

  • Ben in Oakland

    So, Mr.norton, since you are your age, does that mean you won’t date men your age?

    My late, wonderful partner died when I was 45, in 1996. I was single for six years, until I met my husband. We’ve been together now for 13 years. At 52, when I met him, I weighed 10 pounds more than I did in high school. I was in better shape than most men 20 years younger. (At 65, I can still run 6 minute miles, at least on a machine. I’m not even breathing hard at the end of it). I had a successful career as a photographer, a wide circle of good friends, a lot of interests, a beautiful home. And, I could cook, too!

    I was open to men my age, men younger, men older. I didn’t really care. In that six years, I met exactly ONE man with whom I was interested in a relationship, and who at the same time seemed interested in a relationship, at least with me. I was very open to all of the men I met, regardless of race, age, or circumstance. My only requirement was decent physical shape. Not beauty, not the perfect body, not a big dick. Just reasonable physical shape.

    I was single for six years. Here are the things I learned.

    Chemistry was the frequent reason cited for everything not going anywhere. Chemistry is a cheap, entirely legal drug. Chemistry is the cheapest thing in the universe, next to human life. I met plenty of guys with whom I thought there was plenty of chemistry until they assured me that their wasn’t any. I remember one man in particular, right about my age. So much chemistry, but he still disappeared. A few years later he called to apologize for his behavior. He got off on drawing men in and then dumping them.

    Lesson? A lot of people say and think they want a relationship. They don’t, not really. They want chemistry, and if they find that, THEN they want a relationship. Except that they don’t.

    A lot of men think they are ready for a relationship. They don’t have a clue. what they are ready for is chemistry.

    I met a lot of younger guys– too young– who seemed eager for a relationship with an older man. What they wanted was to get fucked by an older man. That’s not the same thing as a relationship. And as much as I liked fucking men half my age, I stopped caring about it after a while, because it wasn’t what I wanted.

    As my mother used to tell my sister in an age long past, most men who say they are interested in a relationship are actually interested in just one thing. and if they get it– or if they don’t get it– they are gone.
    I also met a lot of men who were living with their wives, girlfriends, or boyfriends, but somehow failed to mention that. Who woulda thunk that men would lie to get laid?

    Here is something I wrote back in 2002 to a man who was lamenting what Norton is Lamenting:

    ———————-

    Just a thought:

    Maybe you haven’t found a boyfriend because you haven’t found a good enough fit to invest in a partnership, to use your words.Maybe is you took the trouble to get to know the man in front of you, find out who he is and what he has to offer in your life, it would work better than holding up your checklist of qualifications, expectations, and specifications, and seeing if he conforms to it. Maybe if you invested in the partnership, you might find a man that is a good enough fit.

    This is not to say that we are not entitled to like what we like. But I can tell you that the great love of my life was a man who was HIV+ and earned about 1/3 of what I did. But he had the qualities required to make a great relationship, and once I got over my stuff, and saw him for who he was rather than who I wanted him to be, it made the difference. We had 5-1/2 wonderful years together, and I would not trade them for anything.

    I am a 52 year old man. I’ve been dating since my husband’s death 6 years ago. I have all the qualities that make a great catch. I have a good career, many wonderful friends, a beautiful home, the ability to communicate clearly and well, I’m emotionally available, in better shape than many men 15 years younger than I am, good looking enough to get laid whenever I want to by attractive men, am well thought of by friends and colleagues alike.

    And except for nine months with a boyfriend three years ago, I have been single all this time. Not because I wanted to, not because there is something wrong with me, but because I have met mostly men who say they want a relationship, but only if all of their checklist has been met, and who think they are ready for a relationship, but in fact, haven’t a clue. They are always on the lookout for the magical, elusive chemistry–the best legal drug available. And they don’t know that chemistry means nothing more than
    chemistry. They don’t notice that they can have great chemistry with someone, and it still doesn’t go anywhere. And of course, without chemistry, they are not willing to get to know the man in front of them, and to give that chemistry a chance to develop.

    Could this be you?

    Just some thoughts.

  • Funbud

    I’m 54. Been with my husband for 31 years. He is 14 years older than me…I always had a thing for older men and, truth be told, he was among the YOUNGER men I “dated” (yeah, yeah…let’s call it “dating”. LOL). I always tell him “You were the man for me”. He just was/is. It was that simple. And he was definitely “the marrying kind”; his previous relationship lasted 7 years.

    Sometimes, though, I do look around and wonder what it would be like to be single and dating at my age? This is anecdotal, but it seems that many of the men my age died in the AIDS epidemic…the gay guys we tend to meet around my age bracket are usually a few years younger or much older. If you are attracted to your contemporaries, this really limits the gay dating pool, which is of course already limited.

  • Happy Dance

    If I were not married, I would date Graham Norton. He is intelligent, handsome, and all around fun! People who restrict dating because of looks and age are missing out on lots of potential quality people! I have always been attracted to older guys. When I was 18 my very first love was 53. He dressed like Don Johnson and was very handsome. He was a wonderful man. Sadly my job relocated me and he didn’t want to relocate. But, we stayed friends and talked and when I went back to visit my family we always got together. He never found another love and he died alone. I always felt so sad for him because he could have moved with me and not been alone. I understand the not wanting to relocate, but when you have nothing, I don’t think it would be that big of a decision. I still think about him periodically. May he RIP.

  • When my 19 year relationship ended when I was 40, I learned very quickly that dating younger was going to be an issue. My guide rule was as follows: 5 years up/5 years down. I would try to date people who were within a 10 year range of me.

    It worked.

    My husband is 5 years younger than I am, and even then, there were still references that had to be explained on both of our parts.

    We were something of an odd match. On almost every level we are different people, but like a Venn diagram we’ve learned to cultivate the intersecting interests and have tolerance for the idiosyncratic.

    We’ve been together 20 years, married for 7 of them.

    My motto has always been: Sex is easy; relationships are hard. Figure out how to make it work.

    • Reality.Bites

      My boyfriend is a LOT younger than me. The other day he was joking about getting a Youtube channel for his singing (He can’t sing and doesn’t think he can). He then said, “Besides, who ever got their start on YouTube anyway?”

      I said, “Well, Justin Bieber and Carlie Rae Jepson to name two.” It was a lot of fun to explain something to him that he should have known about and I shouldn’t have.

      And in honour of Canada’s young artists,

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNXoKNdf6bs

  • kiltedyak

    I consider myself lucky. I found someone I have been with for 18 years next month. He is/was not my age, almost 10 years between us. I found very few men at the time were interested in me. It is difficult to date younger guys as there is a quick point where I am ready to just start screaming. This one was more mature and still fun loving. He has been wonderful and supportive. I am hoping for the rest of my life at this point. I cringe at the thought of having to look for someone new.

  • Drake

    When I was 28, there was a guy I would notice every morning at 7-11 getting coffee. Believe it or not, there once was a time when we did not have Starbucks on the East Coast. I started making it a point to walk out of the store and chat a little as he walked to grad school and I walked to my office. This started us on 36 years next month, and we recently celebrated 7 of those years married ( a San Francisco wedding). We count ourselves lucky. What made it stick? Neither of us keeps score. There have been times when there have been imbalances in who does more cleaning, who contributes more money, whose family we need to spend more effort with. We express gratitude to each other. We volunteer together at gay/AIDS causes. We each have some private space. At the time we met (1979) gays were not out in the numbers that we are today, AIDS was not yet an issue, and the cultural myth was that gays don’t have relationships. We listened to our hearts, marched to our own drummer, and are grateful each day. Yes, for me, love is spiritual, and I hope people are open to it, because it is incredible.

  • BeaverTales

    Today’s attitude queens (every generation had them, didn’t they?) are not just the hot young guys who ignored you online or at the local pub-some are also older men who should know better. Growing up in the last 70 years with TV and the Interwebz has taught us that there is always a better looking, wealthier, bigger-dicked, etc version of everything and everyone out there….which is why we keep looking at everything else but who we’ve got in front of us and is willing to take a chance on us. People who think like this rarely ever find happiness from what I can tell in these 40+ years I’ve devoted so far to this planet. For many years I was one of them, though I’ve now been on both sides of that equation.

    That’s our culture and possibly our human condition: You’re disposable and fungible when a better model eventually gets rolled out-be it employment, dating or any other significant life investment. It’s not just a gay thing how few of us have learned later in life that potential happiness comes in many ages, shapes, sizes and colors) and often only briefly stares us in the face, waiting to be recognized before leaving us forever.

  • Grafxbear

    I think guys don’t want to date him cause he’s kinda wierdsville?

  • FuBear

    This is something that hits rather near and dear to me. I was always the bloke looking for men that were 40+ in age up to their mid and late 60s depending on the person. Some struck my fancy who were younger but in my 20s my partner was 20+ years my senior.

    When I read things like Graham Norton is saying above I just have to shake my head. I don’t think that men in their 50 date men their own age, any more than your average 50 year old straight man jerking off to porn is looking at people his own age.

    I remember once my partner (since passed on) saying I should try to find someone for his friend who was also in his 50s. To which I responded, its not a problem finding someone that will date someone in their 50s, its finding someone in their early 20s that will date someone in their 50s . That is the problem.

    Because that is the only type of person this 50+ individual was looking for.

    His tastes had never matured beyond him being in his late teens and 20s. (Neither had my partners for that matter he just found someone in their 20s that liked men in their 40s and 50s).

    And don’t get me started on someone in their 50s trying to find a partner in their 20s that happens to have their life together enough to be a viable partner

    Don’t get me wrong there are men out there in all age brackets that like men of all types in every physical “type”

    Its just that when you slice it all up the pieces of that pie chart get very very small.

    The more refined and less accepting you are of a variety of individuals and not just the ones that have to hit all 10 of your must have items on your mythical checklist.

    Nowadays finding someone is easier given the internet though I will say that all the people that seem to be looking out there seem to be looking for casual fun as they are already partnered. Sigh….

  • Blobby

    i assumed anytime after 35 that if my husband up and died, I’d be single for life. I always assumed no one would want to date a 40 yo man. Now that I’m 52, I’ll definitely be single for life should the hubby croak.

  • GanymedeRenard

    I’ve always intensively disliked that youth-obsessed attitude so prevalent amongst the gay male community.

    • Eebadee-eebadee-thatsallfolks

      When I was in my early-to-mid-30s, one of my friends, R—, was dating a guy in his early-to-mid-20ss, J—. R— introduced J— to all his friends of course. One day at the gym another friend in our circle, T— ran into J— and was talking to him for a few minutes. Right after that, he overheard J—‘s friends his own age ask him, ” Why do you know so many old queens?”

      Revenge is knowing that everybody involved in that story is now 45 or older, if they’re still around.

      • GanymedeRenard

        RAmen! The ironic thing is, they never think that age will “happen” to them, too. When they realize, it’s too late and they become the “old queens” they once despised.

  • HZ81

    I am a single male who is happy to be very, very, single. I don’t need anyone to complete me, I don’t long for a soul mate and when my bed gets cold I know how to warm it.

    I’m thrilled we can get married—don’t get me wrong ala Chrissie Hynde—but coupling has never been my drive, and I’m happy.

    That is all. To each his bone… I mean, own.

    • David Walker

      Totally, absolutely get what you’re saying. Enjoy!

    • motordog

      I’m with you…I think being in a relationship is great for those who want it, and I do feel sympathy for those who want one but haven’t been fortunate enough to find that ‘special someone’…but as for me, I’m a very happy hermit.

  • LiberalDeacon

    I wish people would quit asking me why I’m still single. It’s not like I question (aloud) why they’re still married?

  • Ray Butlers

    They say gay men become invisible after 40. I’m 52, so I’ve been invisible for years! I embrace my superpower!

  • joyzeeboy

    By the time I was 49 I’d had 3 failed relationships. Then I got sober and started delving into the deepest, darkest recesses of who I *really* was and what was *really* missing (hint: self-esteem). 14 years later, after a lengthy trip to England and Wales, I came home to NJ and within a month had met the man of my dreams (yes, on Growlr). I was 64. He was 33. A year later we bought a house. In a little over 2 weeks we’re getting married. What needed changing wasn’t every OTHER man in the universe, it was me. And change I did. I overcame fears, I overcame doubts. Instead of saying “no” to everything and everyone, I started saying “maybe…. let’s see.” I have never been happier than I am today.

    • Mike in Texas

      It has been a joy to watch your transformation.

      • joyzeeboy

        Thanks, Mike.

    • Reality.Bites

      Congratulations to you both.

    • Giant Monster Gamera

      There is so much truth to this. I wasn’t able to really start dating other guys until I’d failed several times, including a “relationship” that lasted 15 years, took some time off of to date myself, and saw that the problem was me.

  • AaronSF

    There’s no settling down without settling for, but this line strikes me :

    “I mean I’m not ruling it out. Who knows? Maybe I will find someone.”

    I think that’s a little dishonest. I think if you’re pretty sure you don’t want to be in a relationship, and you’re dating, it’s because you’re hoping to find someones, not singular – and there’s nothing implicitly wrong with that, but y’know if you’re investing time with someone else, it’s respectful to both of you to be honest about what you actually have room in your life for.

    I know he’s not being that clear, but if I went on a date with someone who said something similar, I would be needing them to clarify really quick. It sounds like a justification for cognitive dissonance.

  • Porkie

    What exactly IS dating?

  • AaronSF

    So I know that to some degree on some bio instinctual level, younger = fitter/healthier = more attractive. That’s important to acknowledge, because it means the world just sucks (or isn’t implicitly fair) in a lot of ways.

    But 33 now, been out since I was 13, in all that time I’ve seen more of what I think is people being attracted to those who are perceived by others to be attractive, than I have people discriminating on age due to some intrinsic aesthetic.

    That goes for everyone of every age equally. I think (from my perspective in my 30s) that 50+ yo guys meet fewer 50+ yo guys because so many 50+yo guys are chasing 30- guys.

    Some of that is not consciously decided, it’s just the world being unfair; but some of that is trained. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to younger guys, but if you grow up in the community, buying into every single way we establish social status as being entirely intrinsic and immutable and not a creation of culture (or a desperate attempt to achieve intimacy through invulnerability), then yes, if you are lucky enough to make it to 50+ that’s going to catch up to you.

    I’m attracted to both older and younger men, and maybe that’s just a luck of the draw deal, maybe that will change, Maybe I’m just in a particular stage of the same cycle every gay man goes through. I don’t know, but I do know I’m not waiting till I’m too old to stop getting away with being petty, insecure, and judgmental, to learn how to be less petty, insecure and judgmental.

  • FuBear

    Thing is that if you are hitting your 40s and have not been in a significant relationship (2 months doesn’t count), then its probably a really good idea that you aren’t.

    Some people are built for it, some not.

    There is no good or bad about single or involved. Just that some want/like it and some don’t

    • Uh-huh

      Well I’d have to disagree. I’ve learned there are no hard and fast rules to relationships and in my experience, it’s better to have varied relationship experience.

      I met my husband of when I was 43 (he was 44) and we’ve been together several years and my previous relationship experience was challenging yet colorful and I wouldn’t trade my experiences for anyone else’s. It taught me tremendous things about myself and led me to my husband. And I know my experiences aren’t the only one.

      I don’t think it really matters what type of relationship experience one has. One of my second cousins had zero relationship experience and at age 54, he met someone who changed his life. She is Filipino and wanted to be nearer her family in Manila so he f’in picked up and moved there all the way from Ohio! He was transformed into a new person, something we all rarely see. He’s living a ridiculously wonderful life in Manila. So hey, you never now.

      I tend to be a little skeptical of advice from people who think they know the ins and outs of relationships. I really try not to give advice but meh, I’m older, maybe I know a couple of things. I am skeptical of friend’s whose only purview of relationships is that they’ve been in one since they came out and that’s it. They’ve never dated different guys, they’ve never been dumped, they’ve never had to dump someone, they’ve never had the heart broken, etc. These types of awful experiences are good for you. You really do learn some things.

      You’ve set up a pretty narrow road for guys in the 40s who apparently don’t meet your criteria of being worthy husbands. But from my point of view, when you get in to your 40s, that’s when life really begins, regardless of your relationship experience.

    • Jonty Coppersmith

      Your first sentence here I’m not too comfortable with. Everyone deserves love no matter how old they are.

      We all know the old canard that you have to love yourself and develop at least a modicum of self-esteem before anyone else will love you. Some of us are able to be completely content while single and some of us are not.

      I remember my single days. I was a closeted virgin until about age 27. I had come to accept and love myself. I had a busy life with college, hobbies and going out with friends. Every night I came home to an empty house, and I was lonely. It just felt like something was missing from my life. It was like life’s cruel joke. How was I, the shy farm boy, ever supposed to find someone. As painful as it was, I had to put myself out there by joinging group outings and such, but eventually and within a year of coming out I had both experienced heartbreak and found true love.

  • Octavio

    I wouldn’t consider dating him because he’s a smarmy little queen. Not my type. But I’m sure there are other smarmy little queens out there who find him to be a real dish.

  • JustSayin’

    Sorry Norton straight men don’t like dating women their same age either…it just not a gay, but may be a you thing.

  • PBGVNinja

    Mr. Norton, it will never happen unless you are willing to let your guard down a bit, let someone into your heart and soul, and just enjoy the experience and live it to the fullest…. relationships are all about melding, establishing trust and knowing how to anticipate someone else’s moods and feelings. If you can live with another man for a year or more without going completely crazy, it must be true love (having been with my hubby for 18 years, I know such things)…. Having animals helps, too…. especially a Cat. Because with a Cat, it’s all about the his or her Cat needs and your human drama is just that… drama.

    • PBGVNinja

      Vorpal… do you wish to comment, oh wise one?

  • NZArtist

    50 and single here. No plans to change that.
    Well, I’d change the ’50’ part. 🙂

  • I’ve always felt that the reason many older Gay men enjoy sex with young Gay men is NOT because these older men are predators or pedophiles, but because it gives them the opportunity to re-live their own youth in a vicarious sort of way. Just my opinion, I don’t want to offend anyone with this.

    • Ben in Oakland

      I think you are quite right. I’ve often thought the same thing myself. And it is certainly true for me, though I’m married and al.

  • Brian in Valdosta

    I have the exact same thoughts as Graham Norton. I am 48 and have been single for four years. And at this point I feel that I am very contented to stay that way given the whole dating climate these days.

    As Graham rightly observes, so many relationships that I see around me are filled with unhappy people, people who seem more stuck than settled. And the bickering! Oy veh. I’ll take my quiet evenings with a glass of wine any day.

  • ErikDC

    I think a lot of gay guys just like an age gap in a relationship. It seems i’ve always done better outside my peer group. I’m in my mid 30’s now and most of the guys on Grindr who message me are a decade or more younger than me. When I was that age, most of the attention I got at clubs and online was from older guys.

    • Ben in Oakland

      Well, Erik, as my friend Sean told me many years ago, when I was in my late thirties and had a gaggle of men 15 years younger than I was chasing afternoon:

      wEll, Ben, now you’real old enough to be attractive to younger men who like older men.

  • Jacob

    I’m you’re age, Graham, and you’re full of it. But then, when you say men you mean “men I’ve met in a 30 year celebrity bubble”. When ever you start describing your behavior using sentences with “them” instead of “I”, it’s time for a therapy booster.

    • Tempus Fuggit

      Yeah, what you said.

  • Ninja0980

    Since we’re sharing stories of how we met our other halfs, might as well as mention the fact I’ve been with my mine for 13 years now.
    He is still the same cute, caring person who caught me staring at him in the college library 13 years ago and told me he was flattered by it.
    Thank goodness I didn’t listen to the “friends” who told me to run away from him because he’s bi (which he was upfront about.)
    My trip to Hawaii would be a lot lonelier if I had.

    • Reality.Bites

      But you’d still have gotten lei’d.

  • Rex

    Even though there are over 350 comments here already, I’m going to add this anyway. At 57 I’m single. I hate it. I can’t seem to meet a guy my age. I have nothing in common with guys younger than 40ish. Sure, they’re pretty, but I need more than that in a relationship. So, I’ve pretty much given up – I’m ok with being single, I just don’t like being alone.

    • Reality.Bites

      Ok it’s none of my business and you certainly didn’t ask for advice, but why can’t you have anything in common with guys under 40? Even if you didn’t grow up at the same time and share common experiences, you can build new ones together. You could both enjoy old movies and classic sitcoms. Or NEW movies and Netflix shows. Or music from any era, or bicycling, photography, gardening, boating, skiing, watching sportsball, etc. Lots of people get along great with their parents or grandparents, and not just because they’re related and sort of have to, but because they have lots of common interests and enjoy spending time together.

      My nieces are in their mid-late 20s and their parents are in their early 60s. They are GREAT friends with each other and while the parent/child relationship is still present, there’s so much more to it than that.

    • GanymedeRenard

      At 36 here, frankly, I don’t see why a guy wouldn’t want to be in your company. You seem like a very nice, likable guy!

  • Michael Abbett

    Husband is 42 and I’m 52 but I was looking for a daddy when I met him 13 years ago. Things sometimes just work out differently than you expect when you meet the one meant for you.

    • Reality.Bites

      And while this didn’t apply to you, there’s no rule that says a daddy has to be older than his son. A friend of mine who studied human sexuality professionally knew of a couple where the daddy was in his 20s and the boy was in his fifties.

      • Michael Abbett

        Oh, I’ve seen some pretty hot daddies in their 20s!

        • Reality.Bites

          Pics or it didn’t happen! 😉

  • Gery Weißschädel

    Some of us are just not relationship-dating material. I’ll be 60 next month. Came out late in life at 46 after 30+ years in Christian fundamentalism. Got married to a woman at 33. The marriage lasted 10 years and she cheated on me. Before we married, I told her of my “struggles” with being gay, she told me of hers with alcoholism and drug use; god was gonna “heal” us you see.

    She was married before and when our daughter was born, I adopted her two children from her previous marriage. Seemed like the right thing to do.

    After we split, a few years went by while I still strugged with my sexuality but finally came to terms and came out. Everyone, including the ex and our children were fine.

    However, it was never really put to the test as I never found a boyfriend/partner/lover/whomever so, they didn’t have to deal with dad having someone else, specifically male, in his life.

    Our youngest came to live with me when she was eight, and as I was a single parent, I found socializing problematic.

    I did join a local community choir with whom I still sing and have made good friends through it.

    However, I did learn soon after coming out, that the gay community and I really didn’t have anything to offer each other. I couldn’t relate to much of the “culture” and “lifestyle” and they didn’t like my own “baggage”: older, overweight, children and grandchildren, limited income, and a mental disorder (I’m bi-polar and wasn’t diagnosed until my mid-fifties.

    Sex is purely solo as past experiences with anyone have been less than enjoyable and I should mention I was rather active in my early to late teens.

    I live alone now and have no problem with that. Indeed, I’m not sure I could adapt to having someone around and I did, for a while, try dating. Anyone I was interested in I invited out for coffee, drinks, a meal, a movie but there was no reciprocation, and I don’t recall anyone showing interest in me as more than just friend or acquaintance material.

    This isn’t boo boo boo. As mentioned, I’m pretty much okay with it as, having been an only child of dysfunctional parents (honestly, kids is the LAST thing they should have had) I’m yer basic loner anyway. 🙂 Life isn’t great, but it could be worse. 😀

  • Gordon.

    It’s true, but you’re white beard makes you look 20 years older than you are…

  • Trailrunnr

    We met in college, October 1975. I have four words of advice for you whippersnappers: forget “top” and “bottom”.

    • Jonty Coppersmith

      I suppose I should heed the wisdom of my elders seeing as how I was in junior high school in 1975, but seriously this is your advice? It’s about much more than bedroom stuff. In fact, if bedroom stuff is the biggest thing going in your relationship, it’s going to be a hard row to hoe in the long run.

  • RJ Tremor

    I’m gonna be 35 in a couple of months myself, and I personally wouldn’t date anyone under 30 unless they were especially mentally mature. A great deal of my interests have a lot of 20-somethings involved, and most still act like immature teenagers that are idiots. I know a few intelligent 20-ers, but I would much rather stick with 30+, always have even when I was in my 20s as older guys appreciated what I appreciated. Even now, I’d still prefer over 40. Life just isn’t suitable for anything like dating and such though, so I’m single and bound to be that way for the immediate future. Friends are what I need. Dear technology, get to work on that whole teleportation thing…

    • GanymedeRenard

      I live in NYC. I’m 36. Let me buy you a drink if you’re in town.

  • Chuck in NYC

    LOL. Some of y’all are picky about how close or far someone is in age — fair enough. I’m more concerned with how close he is to my weight. Oh yeah, and if he knows the difference between objective and subjective case.

    • Gramnerd

      I’ll see your ‘subjective’ and ‘objective’ and raise you an ablative, a vocative, and an accusative.

      • Chuck in NYC

        +1

    • RJ Tremor

      Intelligence is a big factor in preferences, yes, as are interests. If he can handle or enjoy things like perverted artwork and watching folks run around in costumes worth a few grand, he gets big points. If he can look at my computer screen and know what’s going on in my MMO or FPS or is a tech geek, he gets admiration. If he can handle and enjoy watching things like Formula 1 and Indycar and know who’s who on the screen, it’s a moment made for cuddling. If he can appreciate my tastes in automobiles and even shares in it, it’s time to go for a cruise, bonus points if HE turns the radio up. And if he’s got a belly, Imma rub it, especially if it’s fuzzy. And the list goes on.

  • fiizok

    Joe, did you have to post something this depressing? I’m two years older than Norton and the thought of being single the rest of my life make me want to curl up in a fetal position and cry.

  • David Lightman

    The other elephant in the room, perhaps pun intended, is the “in decent shape” requirement everyone is also looking for. That gets harder to do the older one gets, if one was ever in decent shape to begin with. It gets harder to date when you’re older. It’s hard to date when you’re chubby. If you’re chubby and older, it’s exponentially harder to date. Age and body fat are the gay man’s biggest nemesis. For all the romantic bullshit of personality and maturity, often it comes down to looks. For some, it even just comes down to penis size.

  • Pauli Androus

    I’m 57, I have 3 BF’s, 5 guys also after me making offers, I just got groped at the gym by a younger Latino! I have a authenticity-centered spiritual practice and I go to meet my demons… I study Jung, ManKind Project, Buddhism and Vipassna — Chemistry begins at Home— INQUIRE WITHIN.

  • londonbuddy

    I’m 42 and know i’ll be single for the rest of my life. I’m happy with that. I’m attracted to all the ones that just cause me heartache, so why bother? I love my own company and have so many quirks that no one will be able to take them all on! Some times i think i should get myself out there, and when i do, decide i’d much prefer to be home. But i’ve been independent for years and will continue to be so.

  • rabbit_ears

    I’m the same age. I’ll date him. Unless he’s really boring.

  • Stubenville

    Really Graham. You think it’s your age? Are you in denial about how snarky you come off on TV?

  • M Guy

    I don’t think not dating men your own age (when you’re over 40) is a gay thing. Lots of straight men (of a certain age) don’t seem to want to date women their own age either.

    An irony from my younger days when I first came out, when I was in my 20s, I had to lie about my age and say I was older so I could go out with guys my own age.

  • nightguy

    It is so sad. I was in a relationship for over 33 years until my partner passed away. I am 54 years old, I keep myself in shape and I can’t even get date. All I am is arm candy or find guys who want a sugar daddy. Guys give us a chance. We still have a lot to give.

    • GanymedeRenard

      I’m sorry about your loss. And I’m sorry you feel that way about relationships, because I can empathize with you – at 36, I can’t get a date in NYC! If you need a shoulder, I’m here.

  • nightguy

    I am 54 years old. I was in a relationship for over 33 years until my partner passed away. I keep myself in shape and I can’t even get a date.
    Are so shallow, we can’t see the best of each other.

  • The bear community tends to date their own age are older. Tons of guys 35-40 dating guys in their 50s

  • Dead Giveaway

    All of his problems have a common denominator.

  • Welp…..no time like the present to drop the Peter Pan act and find someone to die with.

  • JR

    I’m 54 and happily married to a man who is 11 days my senior (he says I’m his boytoy). We’ve been together for 16 years and are quite content.

  • Andy

    I’m 37 and partner is 53. Plan on getting married Dec 18th which is the day we met 7yrs ago. We are different from each other in many ways yet we have our similarities. He’s one that can date someone younger or older or his age..me..I have always and preferred the older mature daddies. They know what they want, have a home and job or some sort of stability..and already have good skills in the bedroom lol..but main thing is we have our own personalities and learn to accept each other and enjoy each other regardless.

  • George Washington

    The problem w/ older straight and gay guys is that they want someone much younger than them. This may be a recipe for hot sex for a limited time but not a long term relationship. Men need to take a tip from women and look at the whole package – personality, brains and then looks.

  • Oh’behr

    I’m 59 and recently met a man whom I like very much.He’s 41. I’m hoping he’s the one as I’m tired of being single and dating.

  • RomanHans

    I ran into Mr. Norton while shopping a couple of years back and he was with a man half his age. So when he says “Gay men my age don’t want to date someone their age” he means HE doesn’t want to date someone his age.

  • Jeff Bowles

    I’m 55, attracted to men my age and older, and do not see a problem.

  • leastyebejudged

    “winning”. Whatever.

  • e jerry powell

    I’m confused. I’m forty-seven, and the only reason I’m not dating Graham Norton is that he hasn’t asked me out.