Totally Not-Gay Catholic Priest Tells Ex-Gays: Homosexuality Is Like Trying To Eat A Bagel With Your Ear

Gay Star News reports:

A Catholic priest has come up with one of the strangest analogies yet for gay sex, claiming it is like cramming a piece of bagel in your ear. Preacher John Riccardo was speaking at a conference in Michigan on Wednesday, called Welcoming and Accompanying Our Brothers and Sisters with Same-Sex Attraction. It was a Catholic conference in order to help gay and lesbian people stay celibate. He was taking part in a lecture called ‘HIV and Other Health Risks Associated with Men Who Have Sex With Men’, led by HIV researcher Timothy Flanigan. Riccardo said junior high students have asked him why God hates gay people, and he responded that it is because gay sex is unnatural. “If i just rip open a bagel, I take it, and I cram it in my ear. What would you say?” he said he tells them. “That doesn’t go there. It’ll ruin your ear canal.”

(Tipped by JMG reader Tom)

  • bkmn

    Let me guess. He was the popular one at the seminary and his nickname was Lox.

    • Oscarlating Wildely

      Especially with the first two syllables.

    • oikos

      Semenary

      • Ragnar Lothbrok

        Next to the rectory ?

        • oikos

          Yes. ;))

          • Ragnar Lothbrok

            How suspiciously convenient.

          • oikos

            All part of gawd’s plan.

        • Homo Erectus

          Inside.

      • LonelyLiberal

        Was that the Pet Semenary?

        • oikos

          You never know what perversions these priests are into.

    • Reality.Bites

      No, the popular one was the one who could carry half a dozen bagels without using his hands

  • Gustav2

    Then you are doing it wrong.

    • MattM

      I like that he went with a holed food item. How very pure and very Christian of him.

      • Gustav2

        And how would someone named “Riccardo” know from bagels?

        • sw42

          Or, you know, a celibate priest.

      • Was there not an episode of Bugs Bunny where they were able to throw holes around to escape to another room?

        • Ed Burrow

          Portable holes. Who framed Roger Rabbit.

  • MattM

    I’m sure the dozen of people in attendance were enthralled by his speech and his logic.

  • Oscarlating Wildely

    Wait! I just saw something about this guy in a video!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XSn6RfeefI

    • StSean

      i HAVE to start going to church again!

      • Oscarlating Wildely

        That priest can bless me whenever he wants…

    • oikos

      Please D̶a̶d̶d̶y̶ Father b̶l̶e̶s̶s̶ kiss me for i have sinned.

      • Oscarlating Wildely

        Mourning and weeping in this valley of pubes– er, um, tears…

    • Ragnar Lothbrok

      Whoa, yeah ! Just Try to keep me out of that church.

      #WordsINeverThoughtIWouldSay

    • DaveDocSC

      I feel the spirit cummin in me. That is my kinda religion. Woooah. What the hell was that?

    • Homo Erectus

      I can’t wait for the second cumming.

  • TampaZeke

    There’s no way that cramming a bagel into ones ear could do more damage to ones ear canal than cramming religion into ones mind does to one’s brain.

    • Christopher

      Folks! We have a winner!

    • Sk3ptic

      Besides, most dicks are NOT bagels. If that’s what he’s stuffing into his orifi, I recommend an intervention.

      • RoFaWh

        Maybe it’s time to learn to make bagels and then make cock-shaped ones. Just because.

        • Beagle

          How about crullers?

        • MDB

          Or just a delicious French croissant 😉

        • Roger

          Actually they sell cock shaped baguettes in Paris in a bakery at la Rue Sainte Croix de La Bretonnerie in the Marais. I swear! And me and hubby found then really delicious! The good priest should make a pilgrimage to France maybe…

          • Bad Tom

            Magic bread?
            I’ll take a dozen loaves.

          • motordog

            Watch it disappear! Ouala!

          • KQCA

            Well, ooh-la-la! “Baguette magique?” Your choice of black pepper balls or salty rocks.

      • Cuberly

        Not sure I want to know what he’d do with a whole challa. It would be ribbed for his pleasure though.

        http://torontoist.com/attachments/josh/challabread.jpg

        • KQCA

          Now THAT’s what I call a head-banger.

          • Gerry Fisher

            [groan]

      • Ted.OR

        Back in the olden days, my college roommate had headphones for his stereo. I had just sprung for the In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida album, and some of us were listening to it. We had the speakers on, but his girlfriend was listening with headphones. When it got to the organ solo, someone blurted out to her, “Which ear is the organ in?”

        Speaking of old songs about food items in the ears, how about beans?
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mjx3wG7Kg58

    • Doug105

      And right now on FriendlyAtheist:
      Ten Years Later, Poe’s Law Lives On
      http://i.imgur.com/2ba6sNT.png

      Is it real, made up? Can you even tell anymore?
      http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2015/08/14/ten-years-later-poes-law-lives-on/#disqus_thread

    • JT
      • Schlukitz

        That’s a keeper.

      • anne marie in philly

        dingdingding, you win the best comment award today!

      • JT

        Riccardo said junior high students have asked him why God hates gay people, and he responded that it is because gay sex is unnatural.

        God hates gay people? This hateful guy can’t even get his own church’s message right. He belongs with the Westboro lunatics. And hatred would be just what he needed to try to deny his own urges.

        • Reasoning101

          I’m a little unclear on this “gay sex” idea. As far as I know, sexual acts don’t have an orientation. When a man and woman have anal sex, is that a “gay sex act”? There is a lot more anal sex happening between straight people than between gay people. Is a blowjob “gay sex”? How about a handjob? If a gay man has intercourse with a pre-op FTM, is that gay sex or straight sex?

          To this priest, I’d say that my husband of 10 years and I have never had anal sex, so we are apparently bagel-free. Would he like to try telling us that we’re not gay? I wouldn’t advise that.

          Homosexuality doesn’t equal anal sex.

          • JT

            I think the padre doth protest too much and has a one track mind about the sex acts he finds so titillating.

            He’s saying “gay sex” is wrong because it’s unnatural. But “unnatural sex” is a wider category than “gay sex” in their thinking. According to their line, all gay sex is “unnatural” but not all “unnatural sex” is gay sex. Strictly speaking, the RC position is that any sexual act that is not “inherently” procreative is unnatural. That includes oral and anal (both homosexual and heterosexual) and lots of other kinds, even hetero sex involving contraceptives. Of course, not all of those would be cases in which the hilarious bagel argument is applicable. The padre just seems fixated on man on man buttsex, probably because it figures into his fantasies.

    • Reality Check

      Just as repressed it gets except Aaron Schock…

      • Schlukitz

        The black Priestly drag outfit makes a perfect compliment for the string of pearls he could be clutching.

        • KCMC

          ohhh

      • Oscarlating Wildely

        Oh Mary, please, he’s not fooling a soul, saved by Jeebus or otherwise– actually definitely among us otherwise.

      • b

        That is totally GAY.

      • Bonobo

        His ears look smaller in Reality Check’s picture. I guess if you cram enough bagels in your ears they adjust… (catholic w/ a bagel fetish)

      • garygdw

        It’s the ears obvs.

      • ElJiffy

        Yup, totally not gay.

      • KnownDonorDad
    • MattM

      I wish I could up-vote this more than once.

    • matt n

      his collar is cutting off the circulation to his brain

      • RoFaWh

        What brain?

        • Bad Tom

          Doesn’t take long for the brain to die.

    • ExGayTherapyKills

      Amen

    • Kissmagrits

      Good one. And that’s why I bailed five decades ago.

    • Steverino

      And one would think he would approve of cramming something Jewish in one’s ear.

    • hrh

      There was a man from Pawtucket…..

  • e jerry powell

    Lame, but still a slight improvement from trying to make gay people straight on the spectrum of self-loathing.

  • oikos
    • Doug105

      ..

      • oikos

        One of life’s truths. 🙂

        • Doug105

          ..

          • oikos

            Ray loves Kirk’s banana.

          • Bonobo

            Or the tshirt version…

          • clay

            “It doesn’t matter how much you like the soap, never get caught sniffing your fingers as you leave the bathroom.”

    • clay

      How politically appropriate the Putin would ball-gag his ride.

      • oikos

        The horse as well.

  • Sean Taylor

    Fucking Catholics

    • Oscarlating Wildely

      Only when they’re boys. Just ask the priests.

    • MattM

      I’d rather not.

    • David in Palm Springs

      Only if they come with lox and cream cheese.

  • RossPDX

    And yet, he was able to fit the entire bagel where his brain was supposed to be.

    • Doug105

      Na, that dough isn’t cooked at all.

  • there’s a reason he won’t talk about lesbian sex. only male. and this is why:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kg80CohFIw0

    • Rebecca Gardner

      That was so awesome!

    • Lumpy Gaga

      I’m so old. I saw Bowie on the tour that guy’s wearing as ironic.

  • Well maybe the inner waxy stuff, which is sorta like a jam.
    But the rest is just crunchy cartilage chicken like human…
    Some people have the worst idea as to what a delicacy is.
    Oh well to each their own.

  • bambinoitaliano

    I wonder what analogy would he use of his fellow priests sexually molesting children. A croissant through a nostril?

    • Ginger Snap

      And when there done they throw it out like garbage.

  • John

    WTF??? I’d like to hear his explanation on why he believes he is an expert on sex? Especially gay sex?

    • Doug105

      Well, they also know all about women’s health and sex, without ever touching one.

      • oikos

        and marriage. They are ‘marriage counselors.’

  • shellback

    After he made that statement, a glitter-filled purse fell from his mouth and landed on his rainbow-colored Unicorn-style shoes.

    • Oscarlating Wildely

      Um, that bitch stole those from me. Typical.

    • J Ascher

      His blessings begin with “In the name of the Gucci, the Armani, and the Christian Dior, Amen”

  • rabbit_ears

    As long as he’s fitting things into orifices he should cram his analogy into one.

  • StSean

    i notice he didn’t take time to explain that god doesn’t hate anyone…

    • McSwagg

      Of course not. In Catholic catechism, they supply both the questions and the answers. You cannot have the commoners asking their own questions. As soon as the kid asked why god hates gays, he knew his work was done. The idea was planted and has taken root. Who is he to stand in the way of this kid’s judgement of gays?

      Just like the pope saying “Who am I to judge?” He doesn’t have to judge because the hate has already been planted by his clergy.

  • Robert William Alexander Jr.

    Looks like a bagel stuffer to me…

  • Christopher

    I’ll have what he’s having!

  • Rebecca Gardner

    Thank you for playing, Really Bad Analogies! Jack, tell him what he’s won.

    https://youtu.be/LQCU36pkH7c

    • Good Shot Green

      The best food-related sex analogy is in the movie Tabloid when Joyce McKinney denies having raped her Mormon fiancé, saying, “that’s like puttin’ a marshmallow in a parking meter.”

  • Yalma Cuder-Zicci

    John Riccardo, when no one is watching.

    • JT

      He keeps doing it until the cream shoots out.

      • Ginger Snap

        Would you like a smear and some lox with that?

        • Yalma Cuder-Zicci

          Imagine his voice trembling with breathy excitement as he orders his bagel, “with everything”.

          • Ginger Snap

            Sounds like a messy latex sheet after a porn shoot. I’ll have one with everything, please?

          • Franciscan

            If he could be persuaded to do the bagel-thing on Peewee Herman’s show, it would be perfect.

      • ExGayTherapyKills

        Cream cheese, that is what the priest call it, or so I have been told.

      • Mister Don

        I like poppyseed bagels, but the seeds keep pinging off my ear drums.

    • BearEyes

      not exactly the Princess Leia look.

      • Steverino

        A chocolate-covered cinnamon roll would be required for that.

    • Gerry Fisher

      LOVED this

    • perversatile

      as in schmear the queer?!?!
      Once again,
      Priesty Riccardo
      whores and metaphors do not mix

    • KQCA

      How dare you all mock this holy man, this man of the cloth, this.. .okay, okay.. I can’t even type that with a straight face.

    • leastyebejudged

      Bagels are now forever ruined for me.

  • David in Palm Springs

    Is that with or without cream cheese? Because I could see the cream cheese messing up your ear canal.

  • Ed Burrow

    Sigh…
    Again, not all Gay men enjoy anal Sex.
    Some heterosexual couples enjoy anal Sex.
    Some Gay people only enjoy Oral Sex.
    And yes, the penis *does* in fact fit perfectly in one’s mouth.
    Oh, and Fuck off.

    • oikos

      Boy does it fit perfectly in one’s mouth.

    • vorpal

      But let’s just be honest for once and admit that we all enjoy bagel-ear sex.

      • OrliJoe in Fla

        I must admit to actually having one cherry left. I’ve tried honey sex, donut sex, but never bagel-ear sex.

        • Doug105

          The ear canal is very sensitive, seek professional advice before trying this at home.

          • OrliJoe in Fla

            I always seek professional help when going deep into orifices… it takes a village, ya know…

        • canoebum

          No, you have to go for the ultimate…bialy sex. But they have to be onion bialys. And toasted first.

          • OrliJoe in Fla

            I’m good with the toasted! Do I get a shmear?

        • vorpal

          You simply must try it.
          You haven’t been a proper abomination until you have indulged this form of unnatural behaviour
          The Holey Lord designed bagels for the mouth!

          • OrliJoe in Fla

            I must confess… late at night I log on to bageltube.com…

          • vorpal

            I am so scared to click on that…
            …mostly because I don’t want to find out that Ragnar leaked (har) my videos.

        • KQCA

          It’s a slippery slope. First it’s a bang with a bagel and soon you’ll be bangin’ the bible. If so, beware of paper cuts.

      • oikos

        I’m still a bagel ear virgin. ;(

        • Bad Tom

          Me too. I had not even heard of it until about five minutes ago.

          • KQCA

            I’m kinda gettin’ into it.

            And I kinda like it.

      • Ragnar Lothbrok

        I was really hoping our community could retain at least one secret .

        • vorpal

          What was that?
          I currently have some “friends” visiting and I can’t hear you over the sound of all these bagels jammed in and reaming my ears.

          (But rest assured that that thing with the garden gnomes remains tucked away!)

          • Ragnar Lothbrok

            Ummmm, those guys aren’t your ” friends “.

            I’ve seen your videos, remember.

          • vorpal

            Well, you can’t fault them on not being friendly:
            They are always there to butter my baguette and lend a helping hole wheat!
            And best of all, they clean up all the crumbs!

          • Bad Tom

            No problems with dirty sheets in the morning!

          • vorpal

            A trophy if I’ve ever received one!

          • OrliJoe in Fla

            Shhhh… we’re going to keep quiet about the gnomes, remember?

          • vorpal

            Ooops! I should have said: so-called “garden gnomes”!
            That always seems to simultaneously confuse and satisfy the far-right!

          • MDB

            Vorporngnomes.com ???

          • vorpal

            Sssshhhh! I am still working on getting that site removed!

          • Bad Tom
          • vorpal

            You are a bad man.
            (But not as bad as me. We can compete, if you like!)

          • Bad Tom

            The good kind of competition.

      • noni
      • Gerry Fisher

        Perv!

        • vorpal

          And the sky is blue, too, yes :-).

      • Lumpy Gaga

        Let’s get real. Bagel-ear sex isn’t like you see it in porn. Often, poppy seeds become loosened and must be dealt with….

        • vorpal

          I always encourage putting a bag on that bagel for your own protection :-).

    • OrliJoe in Fla

      Have you conducted extensive research on this?

      • oikos

        Haven’t we all. We are true scientists. 😉

        • OrliJoe in Fla

          We need more data!

          • oikos

            You are a true scientist, my friend.

      • Schlukitz

        In-depth research.

        • OrliJoe in Fla

          The more in depth the better.

      • Ed Burrow

        I… Uh…. Well… You see… Here’s what happened….
        Peer review? You betcha. I blew all of them.

    • JT

      The padre looks as if he needs to unclench and enjoy.

      http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51JYXEPFWRL.jpg

    • Doug105

      And perfectly up an ass,

    • Franciscan

      “And yes, the penis *does* in fact fit perfectly in one’s mouth.”

      It’s proof of Intelligent Design.

  • Wynter Marie Starr

    You know what’s unnatural for those that aren’t asexual? Celibacy.

    I can’t think of anything more cruel than to force people to be without intimacy, companionship, and a life partner all in the name of mythology and acceptance. If that’s Riccardo’s choice, good for him, but to force it upon others is arrogant.

    • oikos

      That’s why there is so much perversion and abuse among the ‘devout.’
      When you repress your normal sexual urges, your mental health is compromised.

      • Wynter Marie Starr

        Or arrested at adolescence. Which then allows you to abuse children.

      • clay

        or versa vice.

      • RoFaWh

        That meme needs to be viralized.

        Edit: Or is the right word viralificated?

    • clay

      “to help gay and lesbian people stay celibate.” is NEITHER welcoming NOR accompanying.

      • vorpal

        I’d like to help his idiot mouth stay shut. I have a complicated plan involving staples, crazy glue, duct tape, and several clowns.

        • OrliJoe in Fla

          oooooooh! come here and sit next to me.

        • RaygunsGoZap

          What’s red and bad for your teeth?

          A brick! So shut the fuck up!

        • Octavio

          I have some linoleum and a couple of squirrels I a can donate to the cause. 🙂

        • RoFaWh

          What? No heavy linen carpet thread?

          • vorpal

            I am open to both suggestions and bagels!

          • MDB

            Would you prefer regular, or whipped cream cheese with those ??

          • vorpal

            I prefer fresh cream straight from the source, whipped by hand!

        • trouble94114

          I volunteer my electric staplegun

          • vorpal

            It’s a good start.
            I suspect we may need at least a half dozen.

      • Homo Erectus

        If you need help with that, you probably don’t really want to do it.

      • Steverino

        Celibate means less celi, more bate.

    • Good Shot Green

      Monogamy is also unnatural. So is oral sex but how many of these dooshes complain about that?

      • Wynter Marie Starr

        I’d call monogamy a social construct as even animals that are purported to be so have been observed getting sex outside the pair bond. Oral sex, however, has been observed among other species, so I’m going with totally natural. And anyone that complains about oral sex has never been on the receiving end.

        • fuow

          Monogamy is not a social construction. Punishing people for not being monogamous, however, is.
          Some of us are monogamous, most people aren’t.
          It’s pretty much the last perversion and one which will never be accepted.

          • Wynter Marie Starr

            I think you can make a good case for monogamy being a social construct, although it is one that you don’t have to agree with or accept. I’m not making any judgment on monogamy. I’m monogamous myself. I think it’s encouraged within our culture for sure and there are lots of good reasons for monogamy. Given the amount of divorce in our culture and the prevalence of polygamy in others, it may be that monogamy may not come come naturally, or not without a great deal of work and commitment.

            I’m not sure I would consider those that don’t choose to practice monogamy perverted.

          • fuow

            I’m not sure I would consider those that don’t choose to practice monogamy perverted.

            Well, neither would I. After all these years, though, I can safely say that those of us who are are considered so by many.

          • Wynter Marie Starr

            When I was a kid, my mom had an old copy of The Harrod Experiment lying around. I found it when I was 11 or 12, a very impressionable age. It made so much sense to me and I personally have no issues with how adults choose to conduct their private lives as long as there is full consent by all parties.

            The behavior I would consider perverted is the behavior that is non consensual; rape, molestation, abuse, etc.

            Being in an open relationship or a polygamous one is certainly not perverted.

      • JDM

        Neither monogamy or oral sex is unnatural. They’re observed all the time in the animal kingdom.

      • Homo Erectus

        Oral sex is what allows us to swallow bagels.

      • fuow

        Actually, a small percentage of human males – about 17% are naturally monogamous.
        We don’t chose to be that way and we sure as hell don’t give a flying fuck how others live their lives so there’s no reason to tell us we’re unnatural.
        Many high-order mammals show promiscuous behavior. Some high-order mammals are monogamous.
        Neither is more ‘natural’ than the other.
        Unnatural is trying to force a man who wants to fuck everything in sight to be monogamous. Ditto the reverse.

    • Goodboy

      What’s even more fucked up then that is these fools think they’re in a position to teach others about what’s natural.

      • Wynter Marie Starr

        I’m not real sure how a celibate man can teach anyone about sexuality. What he is teaching is how to deny sexuality and sexual feelings. But, to call that natural is just stupid.

        • Bad Tom

          Just like unmarried Ryan Anderson can teach us all about marriage.

    • Blake Jordan

      The only reason they have to stay celibate is the Vatican did not want to pay to support the families of priests / nuns, it is not a teaching of the bible.

      • Wynter Marie Starr

        Well, it’s hard to accumulate wealth if not all of it is coming back, Blake. Still unnatural.

  • shellback

    I’m not a bagel fan – what about crullers?

  • Webslinger

    We as homosexuals are Born Perfect….please hold the cream cheese and the unwanted carbs…I mean we are gay after all…wink

    • Then they ain’t worth eatin’!

  • bambinoitaliano

    Watch no one else touch the bagels tomorrow morning at the breakfast table where he is sitting. I’m sure he done tons of research on them bagels. Obviously the donuts did not survive.

  • JT
  • Ragnar Lothbrok

    Well Ricardo, if you put some jelly on that bagel, do it right; it will fit quite nicely.
    And may even improve your hearing.

  • Rocketeer500

    Why is that “totally not-gay catholic priest” wearing pink lipstick?

  • Ben in Oakland

    It looks like he has been trying to stuff more than a few bagels into his ears.

  • How do you know…”Totally not gay priest.”? Then gay sex like straight sex is supposed to be more than about putting something in a hole. This priest is an ass.

  • Charlie

    The ‘lifestyle’ that Catholics try and recruit people into, celibacy and the priesthood. is both abnormal and unnatural.

    • Chucktech

      And intrinsically disordered.

  • bryan

    Forget bagels. These priests have cock on the brain.

    • Rebecca Gardner

      on the brain, on the chin, on the chest, on the back.

    • Homo Erectus

      So, it’s not bagels after all – it’s breadsticks!

  • noni

    Here he is describing his delusions and voices in his head.

    The interviewer appears to be family also.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B4ZA-bIgE6U

    • Octavio

      Then it should be Our Lady of Perpetual Perplexity instead of Good Counsel. That makes sense. 🙂

    • 2guysnamedjoe

      Think anyone has ever actually watched all 28 minutes of that?

    • Lumpy Gaga

      Thanks for finding the vid.

    • Lumpy Gaga

      “The short answer is ‘because He asked’.”

      Oh, lord. Only at 1:41 and I can’t breathe…

      • Lumpy Gaga

        @ 2:00, the Donald Rumsfeld self-inquisition.

    • Lumpy Gaga

      “Like a lot of people, I just lived a double-life that way.”

      This short belongs at the front of an MST3K movie. In a fire, I’d grab this, and “Mr. B Natural”

  • noni

    Another Bible passage: No bagels in yer ears.

    Jesus said, jesus said.

  • BearEyes

    Is this anything like when Martha Stewart ate the turkey up through her butt years ago on South Park?

    • oikos

      A true religious experience for cartoon Martha.

  • TommyTune

    No, when you cram a square peg of distorted theology into the round hole of human nature and valid science what you get is a fucked-up mess like this definitely not-gay priest.

  • H&H

    Look at that freak’s ears!

  • bambinoitaliano

    I think they look smashing if not tempting to someone desire to nibble on my ears.

    • Joe in PA

      oh but the carbs… 🙁

      • bambinoitaliano

        Oh but with the extra thick cream is so worth it 🙂

  • EdmondWherever

    Straight people have oral sex, just like gay people. Are they doing it wrong too?

    • Ed Burrow

      Oral is fine. It’s the tumultuous buttsecks (that only the fags have) that they’re tripping out about.

      • EdmondWherever

        Damn, I didn’t know it was supposed to be tumultuous! I guess I have been doing it wrong!

    • They can excuse heterosexual people having oral or anal sex because
      they figure that the couple can also reproduce and so that re-productive
      potential is what allows them to sweep other forms of sexual activity under the rug. The main sticking point for the Catholics is that they believe that sex must always be tied to reproduction and that reproduction must always be tied to sex and they are against anything that allows you to have on without the other.

  • Snarkaholic

    He’d rather eat a sausage with his rear.

  • rabbit_ears

    He looks the type to have practiced aural sex quite frequently.

    I hope he butters the bagels well, dry-humping your ear that way would really hurt.

    Where are the cruising spots for bagel-ear penetration anyway?

    • Doug105

      Dumpster behind large bakeries.

      • Tor

        Don’t laugh. It’s a real kink. Behind the dumpster, that is.

      • Homo Erectus

        I love the smell of yeast rising in the morning….

  • vorpal




    …If that’s what he thinks gay sex is like, I think he might be doing it wrong.
    Many choir boys must have been much relieved!

    • BudClark

      Maybe THAT’S why the Sistine Choir sounds so awful … they’ve got bagels in their ears!

    • Lumpy Gaga

      …and If Father Riccardo starts making you uncomfortable, shove a bagel in his ear, and tell your parents…

      • vorpal

        He’s actually kind of cute. I’d lead him back into the gripping, wonderful throes of the homosexual lifestyle and (bagel-)hit that!

        • Lumpy Gaga

          But he’ll punch you after cumming in your mouth, and votes GOP.

          (Now, if you like that sort of thing…)

          • vorpal

            LOL I don’t, but thanks for the reminder to bring the requisite handcuffs and ball gag!

            As for the cumming in my mouth, now that is something I can stand… or kneel for!

  • Michael Rush

    what does one do if one discovers sesame seeds on one’s bagel ?

    • LonelyLiberal

      See your doctor immediately. Sesame seeds can spread orally and aurally, but clear up after short treatment.

  • bambinoitaliano

    Oh a priest pretend to be naive about the mechanic of sex.

  • another_steve

    As a culturally Jewish person, I resent all “bagel-related” humor.

    My people — surely among nature’s supreme “Survivors” — brought all you goyim the bagel.

    Obey us.

    Do not malign the bagel.

    • Doug105
      • another_steve

        I salivated, looking at that. Thank you.

        Fourteen generations of dead Jewish grandmothers turned in their graves as a result of your post — but that aside, thank you.

      • Paula

        That is like eating pork spareribs with kosher sauerkraut. That can get you the death penalty is 14 countries.

        • Homo Erectus

          A priest and a Rabbi were having breakfast. The priest said “You should try the bacon, it’s heavenly”. The Rabbi replied “You should try women, they’re better than bacon”.

          • Reality.Bites

            Thus proving priests are smarter than rabbis.

          • DaveMiller135

            OK, Kinsey 6, still I love women, in a pathetically asexual way. But, bacon? I don’t know.

      • Tor

        That is so wrong, and yet so delicious looking.

  • Pump Her Nickel

    Well, if someone were able to derive nutritional benefit from putting a bagel in their ear what would the objection be?

    In the real world, people have sexual relations because they derive different benefits from it. Some pleasurable physical sensations, others deep emotional attachments, in the best cases, both. Two men or two women who are in a sexual relationship are able to derive benefits from the exchange, whereas the bagel-abusing priest would not.

    It’s so simple that even a pedophile priest should be able to understand.

  • Cuberly
    • Michael Rush

      nice work Emily Litella .

      • Justin

        “What’s this about Puerto Rico wanting to become a steak!?! Next thing you know they’ll want potatoes!”

        “That’s ‘state’, Ms. Litella, not ‘steak'”.

        “Yes, Miss Curtain. Bitch.”

  • Doug105

    No catholic priest should use the word unnatural about others.

  • Roland

    “Again I tell you, it is easier for a dick to go through the hole of a bagel than for a Catholic priest to stick it in his ear…”

  • James

    Well, assuming you’re trying to make a baby gay sex isn’t likely to work. If you’re doing it for intimacy or pleasure or fun or profit or any number of other reasons, on the other hand, it works just fine. Was that his point?

    • Well his point is that sex must always be tied to reproduction or at least the potential for reproduction and so when he says “you’re doing it wrong” it’s because he is unwilling to recognize that sex doesn’t need to always be tied to reproduction. As you note there are other purposes for sex but the Catholic Church doesn’t recognize any of those as a standalone or even collectively, if reproductive potential is out of the picture then the Catholic Church says that you shouldn’t be having sex.

      • Tor

        Old people, too?

        • They get around old people by saying “well in the bible God
          let old people get pregnant so you never know. They can still have sex because it’s of a “reproductive type” and if God wants he can give them a child.

          • Tor

            There’s a loophole for everything. Except us.

          • Oh and it’s blatantly obvious that it’s an intentional
            loophole as well. They know that if they divide based on reproductive or non-reproductive sex they exclude some heterosexuals as well and so they create this absurd category of “reproductive type”, which basically means even if there is 100% zero chance of being able to reproduce it’s still okay as long as you’re having the “reproductive type” of sex because if God wants you to have a baby a miracle will happen. So this made up category of “reproductive type” gives non-reproductive relationships a cover, just as long as they are still putting a penis in a vagina.

          • Tor

            If god wanted me to bear a baby through anal sex, couldn’t he do that, too.?

  • RaygunsGoZap

    Funny how no part of his reply included that God doesn’t hate gay people.

  • Gigi

    I’m so fucking tired of these kiddie diddlers. STFU!

    • RaygunsGoZap

      Exactly! Excuse me, Queen, I thought that you’re supposed to either be raping and threatening a child or helping relocate the co-worker who just did.

      • Gigi

        They make me sick. Covering up the abuse, shipping off rapist priests to unsuspecting parrishes so they have a fresh crop of kids to rape, and selling off assets so they won’t have the money to pay out the victims of the abuse – they’re the LAST ones who should be moralizing to us or anyone else.

  • Raising_Rlyeh

    For those not aware of Dr. Timothy Flanigan, who works at Brown, here is his view on HIV and how totally awesome the catholic church has been in their response.
    http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/column/the-catholic-church-and-hiv-and-aids-750/

    Another self-righteous prick.

  • Robert Conner

    This from a jackoff who, as far as we know, hasn’t stuck his dick in anything but his hand. However, one must make allowances for a grown man who believes a dude in a frock can turn a cracker into the real flesh of Jesus Christ by saying magic words and then put that cracker/body into a child’s mouth.

    Anyone who’s still attending a Catholic Church or listening to these pedophile enablers is asking for it anyway.

  • noni
  • Robincho

    John “Ricky” Riccardo = Baba-loser

  • Tony Prost

    Well, he’s cute. He must be gay.

  • Jack M.

    Actual analogies for homosexuality used by anti-gay activists:
    Murder, theft, kleptomania, gossip, cancer, adultery, bestiality, pedophilia, rape, lying, nose-picking, alcoholism/drinking, smoking, heroin addiction, crack addiction, food addiction, overeating/obesity, drinking liquid through one’s nose, playing in the middle of a highway, sticking one’s finger in an electrical socket, bank robbery, and vandalism.

    • Tor

      And now bagelism.

  • BobSF_94117

    Ten to one, he’s got poppy seeds in his ears.

  • Paula

    Just when I think they can’t get any fucking nuttier, they do this.

  • BobSF_94117

    Welcoming and Accompanying Our Brothers and Sisters with Same-Sex Attraction and Then Insulting Them with Stupid Analogies

  • lymis

    I absolutely refuse to believe that Fr. John doesn’t understand that cocks fit quite nicely into asses.

    If not, then he has no business discussing sex at a gay conference.

    Of course, if he thinks gay sex is ripping open a penis and jamming it up his ass, he’s got a few misunderstandings as well.

  • delk

    Stop worrying about sticking bagels in your ear and start worrying about priests that stick their dicks into children.

  • bambinoitaliano

    I shall attend a church to confess for the first time tonight. Dear father for I have sin. It’s been never since I last confess. Ive been jamming bagels in my ears since I was at the age of your temptation. I can’t stop looking at my phone for the nearest bagel to jam in my ears…………..

    • oikos

      Come sit on my lap son and tell me of your transgressions against the bagels.

      • bambinoitaliano

        See if all priests are as friendly as you are, I would be at the glory hole er…I mean the confession booth every night on my knees praying to our mighty loin cloth wearing bearded deity mumbling something until I was forgiven:)

        • oikos

          Cum hither and confess thy sins. :))

          • LonelyLiberal

            Well, Father, last year? At band camp?

          • Octavio

            Yes? Go on . . . .

          • bambinoitaliano

            No! Mommy says I should not speak to man sitting inside the booth. 😛

          • oikos

            Just put your face up to the opening and we can talk.

          • bambinoitaliano

            But father, I haz bagels, I know bagels and that is no bagel!!

  • noni

    He does seem a little light in the loafers.

  • A Big Sarcastic Fairy!

    He’s doing it wrong.

  • BobSF_94117

    Bat-shittery aside, he’s cute.

    • oikos

      Damaged goods who would flip out on you after sex.

      • LonelyLiberal

        Exactly. Make sure to tie him down and don’t have any sharp objects in the room with you. Release back into the wild using radio-controlled knots at a distance of at least thirty feet, and back away quickly.

  • Reality.Bites

    When I want information on eating bagels I ask a rabbi,not a priest

    • Gerry Fisher

      Touche!

  • Circ09

    Damn. I was hoping this choice analogy came from Scalia’s gay priest son. I wonder if he was in attendance?

  • Mike in Texas

    I just want to know what kind of hearing aids he wears.

  • TKW

    Would you like that with a schmear of cream cheese?

    • noni

      Yes leave me glowing and a cream pie.

  • The “it doesn’t fit” argument has always been a strange one to me, gay people have sex and it is sexually pleasurable and so clearly it does “fit”. You can’t digest a bagel by attempting to shove it through your ear, you can reach climax by engaging in anal sex. Now they could always say, yeah well but it can never lead to reproduction, two which the response is, yeah but reproduction isn’t the only purpose of sex, nor is it a necessary purpose for sex to have meaning. That is honestly the answer to the riddle, when people say some version of the “it doesn’t fit” argument what they are really saying is “sex is tied to reproduction and shouldn’t be done unless it could lead to reproduction.

    • Gustav2

      ONAN!

  • GayOldLady

    Really, you think gay sex is like eating a bagel with your ear? Obviously you’re not doing it right. Someone needs to send this guy some gay literature. Make sure it has pictures.

    • Gustav2

      Maybe old VCR tapes we don’t use anymore.

      • GayOldLady

        Good idea! 🙂

      • GayOldLady

        I wonder if Ricky Riccardo was his daddy?

      • GayOldLady

        I notice Fr. Riccardo has a big set of ears? The better to bagel with my dear.

        • Gustav2

          My dear, they are called “control handels” so you may guide him while he…

    • D. J.

      Loads and loads of pictures.

  • Hue-Man

    O/T Headline: “Another naked devil has appeared in East Vancouver and this time there’s no penis”

    https://www.straight.com/blogra/508881/another-naked-devil-has-appeared-east-vancouver-and-time-theres-no-penis
    There’s a picture of last year’s well-endowed and “excited” red satan at the link.

  • Octavio

    I’m sure we all agree that if the priest thinks gay sex is just like putting a bagel in one’s ear, he isn’t doing it right.

    • bambinoitaliano

      Or he just pretend to be ignorant so we all don’t think he is duggaring children.

  • Homo Erectus

    He should try buttering it up first. Lube is your friend.

    • Schlukitz

      That it is.

      Wispering sweet nothings into that ear beforehand, also help it to relax and put it in a receptive mood.

      • Homo Erectus

        How could an asshole like him get it so wrong?

        • Claude Jacques Bonhomme

          Anal retentive.

      • billbear1961

        I read “sweet doughnuts”!

        All this talk of bagels!

        I need something to eat!

    • Lumpy Gaga

      “I can’t believe it’s not Gun Oil(tm)!”

  • Claude Jacques Bonhomme
  • bambinoitaliano
    • oikos

      Just like a prayer, I’ll take you there.

      https://youtu.be/79fzeNUqQbQ

      • bambinoitaliano

        But but I’m …..
        https://youtu.be/s__rX_WL100

        • oikos

          Fun flashbacks. Are you sure you’ve been touched for the very first time? 🙂 Veneto

          • bambinoitaliano

            Hey if they can haz born again christians. I can be born again virgin. I still have that Susan Summers Kegel machine somewhere in the attic.

  • canoebum

    He has it all wrong. First you feed the bagels to your gerbil, then you shove the furry creature in your ear. At least, that’s what I’ve heard.

  • Tor

    Father Riccardo’s ears are bagelicious!

  • Hue-Man

    Meanwhile, in the world of gay christians….

    “Well, maybe it’s not news any more. But the liberal United Church of Canada, the country’s largest Protestant denomination, today elected a [married] lesbian minister as moderator. She is Rev. Jordan Cantwell of Saskatchewan.

    Cantwell is following in the footsteps of Rev. Gary Paterson, of St. Andrew’s Wesley United Church in downtown Vancouver. Paterson is married to Tim Stevenson, a Vancouver city councillor who is also a clergyman.”

    http://blogs.vancouversun.com/2015/08/13/united-church-of-canada-elects-second-gay-moderator/

    In case you skipped over it, the word is ELECTED. She has a very interesting biography.

    • Reality.Bites

      I don’t think the United Church actually has any straight clergy left.

      • Hue-Man

        Just like the catholic church (despite Joe Rat.’s purges). The difference is the UC clergy can get married!

        Married clergy, whether gay or straight, makes a lot more sense to me than imposing (often-ignored) celibacy on men. Having experience in sorting out their own domestic difficulties makes them better able to understand and counsel their parishioners. (I’ll suspend my anti-theist tirades to celebrate her election.)

  • Mark

    This…..

  • Schlukitz

    Given how loudly so many people like this scream and holler about homosexuality, butt-secks, etc., etc., one has to wonder why they are so obsessed with it? Most straight folks that I know, could give a shit less about who I am sleeping with.

    Could it be that many of these people are in denial about their own sexual orientation and which we see so many examples of?

    • Tor

      Could it be???? Hmmmm.

    • RoFaWh

      No “could it be?” to it. Definitely yes.

  • Claude Jacques Bonhomme

    Is that the preferred use for McDonald’s Pope Benedict Bagel?

    http://burgerbusiness.com/wp-content/uploads/McD_Aus_NYCbagel.jpg

  • BudClark

    GURRRRRRRRRRRRL! Get over your cheap and tacky self and go buy some dildeaux!!

  • fuow

    You want to know what’s unnatural, you mother-fucking asshole? I’ll tell you what’s unnatural. Fucking little boys and girls.
    Something for which you monsters are very well known.

  • edrex

    well of COURSE you don’t shove bagels in your ear… you’re supposed to put your dick through it. duh?

  • grada3784

    Oh, boy, I sure feel welcome now.
    Don’t these tone-deaf idiots ever listen to themselves?

    • Lumpy Gaga

      Tone deaf??!

      That’s a bagel in my ear, you insensitive clod!

      • 2amor

        Now that”s funny!!!

  • Marc

    Work on keeping your other priests celibate (i.e. out of the kiddie pool) and we can talk. Until then, kindly STFU.

  • The catholic sexual ethic is one of the most dysfunctional things ever in the history of man. Basically it takes something as complex and multifaceted as sex and reduces it down to “sex is here for the purpose of reproduction” limiting sex to this one narrow purpose does it any everyone else a huge disservice. And now with the rise of Artificial reproductive technologies that same ideology is now creating a new raft of problems by decreeing that “reproduction shouldn’t happen without biological sex.” simply reforming this one piece of ideology would do so much to turn the catholic church around but they won’t do it because it’s a major source of power for them, if they can control peoples sexual life they can claim control over anything.

    • GanymedeRenard

      The Catholic ethic, sexual or otherwise, is one of the most dysfunctional things ever in the history of humankind. I’m so fed up!

    • noni

      The more narrow I can make your world, the easier I can control you.

  • Gerry Fisher

    >‘HIV and Other Health Risks Associated with Men Who Have Sex With Men’

    …which are pretty much identical to the health risks associated with men who have sex with women. (And lesbians are god’s chosen people. Unless they pick up a bagel.)

  • b

    Gay gay gay gay gay gay.

    • Lumpy Gaga

      Is there video? No one haz links.

  • matt n

    it’s so simple then. it’s just like shoving a bagel in your ear. everything is clear to me now.

    • Lumpy Gaga

      WHAT??

  • Homo Erectus

    Could someone who has sex with baked goods be described as a “Breadfruit”?

    • Octavio

      Mmmmm . . . mmm. That’s a mighty sexy looking breadfruit ya got there! 🙂

      • Homo Erectus

        I’d eat it.

      • An arty artocarpus?

    • billbear1961

      Looks like an avocado!

      Needs dressing!

      • TampaDink

        Creamy Irish.

      • Homo Erectus

        We mustn’t neglect our vegetables 😉

    • Tor

      Does it work like a watermelon?

  • douglas

    If he thinks gay sex is like sticking a bagel in your ear then he is doing it wrong.

  • PhillyProfessor

    No words.

  • anne marie in philly

    oh sweet mother of pearl, this dude screams GAY! and I have no gaydar!

    • Fyva Prold

      I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream

  • KQCA

    The irony, that so many anti-gays are completely obsessed with gay anal sex as if it is practiced 100% among gays, and even at that, gay men only make up one fourth of the LGBT grouping.

    When I see anal-fixated dudes like this one, I know we have yet another Ted Haggard or Jimmy Swaggart on the loose.

  • Bill T.

    Catholic priests spend way too much time playing with themselves.

    • billbear1961

      When they’re not duggaring some poor kid.

      • Tor

        I finally looked up duggar and duggary in Urban Dictionary. It’s gaining traction.

        • billbear1961

          So I’ve heard!

        • Stev84

          I don’t really like the common definitions there. I prefer “sexually abusing someone while acting morally superior”.

    • Lumpy Gaga

      And don’t know how to behave at Jewish brunches!!

    • Homo Erectus

      And children.

  • CoffeeGeekmn

    I can’t stop thinking about this Family Guy episode

    • Gerry Fisher

      I *hate* when that happens…

  • grada3784

    It’s been a long time since someone told me to stick it in my ear.

    • Octavio

      Me, too. Remember when that was a thing?

      • Garfield’s first few years of comics were good for that line, if I recall.

  • billbear1961

    And for the MANY of us who have never “crammed a bagel into an ear”?

    And when heterosexual couples DO cram it into an ear, what do you have to say about THAT?

    You think a LOT about cramming, don’t you, asshole?

    Well, RAM that bagel up the orifice of your choice, you self-hating POS.

  • Dagoril

    If you have too much bagel-ear sex, Nutella will start oozing out of the lucky ear. True story.

    • Octavio

      🙂

  • houstonray

    #gaymarriageleadstobagelearsex ?

  • GanymedeRenard

    Exactly what is “gay sex,” pray? If you mean anal sex, guess what, you charlatan parasite? Anal sex doesn’t have a sexual orientation; in fact, straight couples have been practicing it for milennia as a birth control method. Also, I’m sick and tired of these religiuos lunatics referring to me as an individual “with same-sex attraction.” I’m gay, full stop. I’ll start calling you, “people with Catholic attraction,” or “people with religious tendencies.”

    • noni

      religious tendencies aka nuttiness tendencies.

      • GanymedeRenard

        RBD (Religiously-Based Disorder)

        • noni

          Usage:

          “She is suffering from RBD”

          “He is battling RBD”

          “They lost their battle with RBD”

          Religion: Someday We’ll Find the Cure.

    • Or, since they like slander so much, “people with youth-based attraction.” That way, we’re being just as mealy-mouthed as they.

      • GanymedeRenard

        Nah, you’re being too elegant there. “Kiddie fiddlers” seems more concise. 🙂

  • kempsternyc

    Well, he does have big ears.

    • Tor

      Size queen.

      • Octavio

        You know what they say. Big ears . . . small head.

  • dcurlee

    Hide the altar boys

  • prjoe

    Well, he’s not totally wrong. Cramming a piece of bagel in your ear can indeed be a part of gay sex. On the other hand, most of us tend to prefer cramming other things in other places.

  • Piet

    Totally Not-Gay? Hm. Two questions — Is it possible that real people have lips that delicate shade of pink without artificial aids? The only time I ever see that particular lip color is on ads for Eastern European twink porn “stars”. AND If that priest is totally not-gay, then his barber is totally gay-gay-gay-gay. Don’t tell me he got that haircut from a lesbian at Supercuts.

    • noni

      Sadly he forgot to blot his lips after his man “friend” visited.

      The friend’s wife wears a shade of pink and has been known to slobber on the knobber.

      • 2amor

        ROTFLMAO, “slobber on the knobber” you kill me!!

  • orville76

    This is insane, obviously…but I am a gay Christian and two of our three pastors are married gay men…please don’t tar me with this brush…

    • imma pass on this one, Orville. but perhaps you’ve heard of the saying (i assume no bagels in your ear) “you’re just asking for it?”

      cause baby, you are. i have this whole big bucket of tar, and my brushes are mink hair and hand made…

    • Lumpy Gaga

      NEW NALT ALERT!!

      NEW NALT ALERT!!

      [insert Matt Drudge sirens]

  • Itsatarp

    Oh please, its only one of those Michigan bagels. They’re like Wonderbread with a hole punched in the middle. Get back to me when you try to ram a New York bagel in your ear.

  • noni

    Off Topic but not too far off topic since all three are Catholic and apparently took the Catholic teachings as taught by preacher John Riccardo and executed them:

    http://www.advocate.com/sites/advocate.com/files/imagecache/stories/Philadelpha-Gay-Bashing-Case-Delayed-as-Lawyers-Haggle-Plea-Dealx400.jpg

    Three suspects accused in last year’s gay-bashing attack of two men in Philadelphia asked for a continuance in court Thursday, as their attorneys work out the terms of a plea agreement with the prosecution.

    Kevin Harrigan, Kathryn Knott. and Philip Williams will return to court
    September 17, 2015 to face charges of aggravated assault, simple assault and conspiracy.

    http://www.advocate.com/crime/2015/08/14/court-date-accused-philadelphia-gay-bashers-delayed

    https://ujsportal.pacourts.us/DocketSheets/CPReport.ashx?docketNumber=CP-51-CR-0014055-2014

    • Lumpy Gaga

      A week before the World Meeting of Families (and the Pope) gets here.

      Do they have scheduled speaking appearances?

      • TampaDink

        Or a private audience with his wholeymess?

    • People4Humanity

      Thank you.
      I am following these 3 miscreants.

  • Lumpy Gaga

    Better a bagel and an ear bump uglies than a filthy disgusting Q-tip go into one’s ear canal.

  • j.martindale
    • noni

      Saying Happiness makes ya say penis everytime.

      • Lumpy Gaga

        If you don’t have a penis,
        a ha’penis will do.

        If you don’t have a ha’penis,
        then God Bless You.

  • Lumpy Gaga

    I’m guessing he never gets asked why God hates child-rapers?

  • olandp

    That is why I never let anyone put their dick in my ear.

  • leastyebejudged

    Analogies not his strength eh ?

  • H

    Quel fucking moron.

  • Lane

    I made this for a Facebook discussion about this idjit.

  • TexPlant

    Priest should just stick to what they know, pedophilia

  • Daniel

    “Uhhhhhh…hey Beavis. I just…uhhhhhhh…figured something out. Uhhhhhhhh…the parts don’t fit. Yeah. Huhuhuhuh. Uhuhuhuhuhuh. Huhuhuhuh.”

  • Lumpy Gaga

    “Our Lady of Good Counsel”

    Sounds like they were down to the b-list Ladies when they got to Michigan….

    • LonelyLiberal

      Our Lady of Things Stuck In Kitchen Drawers

  • Todd Allis

    Father Riccardo, I think you may have misheard; it’s not “aural sex.” Take those bagels out of your ears and listen again.

    • People4Humanity

      Say, “AhhhhhHHHHHHHH.”

  • Phil

    More evidence that an enema is what’s needed. In the ear, up the ass, in his nose – it makes no difference! Something is clearly obstructed.

  • By the looks of those ears, I’d say he speaks from experience…

    …I’m sure they make good grips.

    • LonelyLiberal

      Does Good Grips make ear handles? Because if not, they should. It could be a really lucrative line for them.

  • xzargo

    Those aren’t ears, they’re handles!

    • People4Humanity

      Wait. Where are my Twinkies™?
      Instead we’re offered chocolate-dipped, gold-leafed,
      “BE GOOD” & “DON’T BE AN @§§HO£€”
      tablets?
      >¿?<

  • Admit it, ear eater, you’re a writer for family guy.

  • billbear1961

    Chacun à son goût . . .

    https://youtu.be/3tvrVFkNn4c?t=57s

  • Hue-Man

    O/T Breaking. “For the second time in three months, rookie rush-end Michael Sam has left the Alouettes for personal reasons.”

    “The team issued a statement saying it has placed him on its suspended list.”
    http://montrealgazette.com/sports/football/cfl/montreal-alouettes/michael-sam-quits-alouettes-again

    Twitter:
    “The last 12 months have been very difficult for me, to the point where I became concerned with my mental health.”

    • People4Humanity

      aw.

    • Claude Jacques Bonhomme

      Sad.

  • ExGayTherapyKills

    Is that what the priest call it, cramming the bagel in the ear of the alter boy.

  • Ogre Magi

    How often do you think he is getting his bagel eaten?

  • teedofftaxpayer

    These Catholic Priest/Bishops can say some of the stupidest things. What do they do, go to school to learn how to say dumb things?

  • William

    Instead of shoving a bagel in his ear, he should try a nice game of ring toss.

    • LonelyLiberal

      Now I have an image in my head that will require therapy. Thanks.

    • Girls have a button, boys have a pole. Wicked touching takes its toll.

      • Silver Badger

        My dad told me if I didn’t quit playing with it it would grow to be too big to use. He said the pimples would go away too. Parents, don’t lie to your kids!

  • thevofl

    I want the cream cheese to dribble down my face.

  • Ninja0980

    And people wonder why the younger generation is leaving the church in droves.

  • KQCA

    Actually, I think he’s kinda cute….which is such a throwback to my youth when I had a real knack for attracting and trying to date the most fucked up dudes in the state.

    Just that little flashback makes me appreciate aging.

  • Porkie

    “Riccardo said junior high students have asked him why God hates gay people, and he responded that it is because gay sex is unnatural.”

    I thought that the party line was “No, God doesn’t hate the LGBTs he just thinks that they are disordered and that their behaviour is contrary to his plan”.

    The Virgin Dreary here could at least try to stay on message.

    • why does “God hate?” anything? anyone? for whatever reason? why does God need a) hatred of someone and b) money? always?

      they can never answer those questions. if i want to worship something, that thing is not capable of hatred and greed.

  • WARNING: scared nutter eyes.

  • Robert W. Pierce

    Funny how these loons obsessing about anal sex never condemn heteros who engage in it, let alone fellatio. He’s protesting far too much I think. Fr. Riccardo, we’re on to you.

  • Mark

    If he ain’t, I ain’t. But then…. I am….and I would definitely hit it…at least twice.

  • Puckfair52

    Which canal are you Faddah ?

  • JT

    The Man from U.N.C.L.E., the new spy thriller about two
    enemy agents who become partners, comes out today, and it’s already
    overloading critics’ gaydar. In his (quite positive) review for Variety,
    for instance, Richard Lawson points out the “surprising abundance of
    teasing homoerotic innuendo” between Henry Cavill’s Solo and Armie
    Hammer’s Illya. Honestly, though, the only thing surprising about it is
    that he didn’t see it coming.After all, this is a Guy Ritchie production, his name gives a clue to his principal obsession: guys. For as long as he’s been a filmmaker,
    Ritchie has made it his special mission to work out the fraught complexities of the male-male friendship/relationship/partnership/romance—to the extent that some of his movies, especially pre-Madonna, don’t even feature women.

    http://www.wired.com/2015/08/guy-ritchie-homoerotic-history/

  • The Larry Mac

    If you use a popper-seed bagel, it helps the ear relax.

    • Reality.Bites

      Now you’re going to hell for SURE.

      • KQCA

        I think it’s all good. Eternity in a lava lake with loving people beats being walled in and locked up with screaming, anti-gay, adulterous and hypocrital bigot with no death to bring relief. Can you imagine eternity…forever…with no death.. living with millions upon millions of idiots like this……?https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNVwxR2aWRA

  • Jan Wesselius

    I could never be a religious person, I just cannot hate as much as they do.

  • DirtyPierre

    “Fuck him right in the ear”, Wendy Testaburger

  • Name

    If that priest isn’t gay then I don’t know who is!

  • Stev84

    One could combine bagels and oral sex

  • KentDean

    Oh … Sorry, Father … say that again, please? … I had a bagel in my ear.

  • DaveMiller135

    As John Corvino says, “If you think the pieces don’t fit; you’re doing it wrong.”

  • ExGayTherapyKills

    I guess he likes children, most of them do, totally.

  • ExGayTherapyKills

    Totally? I think not!

  • jomicur

    A proponent of ritual cannibalism lectures everyone else on eating habits. Jesus Christ!

  • Franciscan

    Oh, I get it. Bagels are nasty stuffed in the ears, but communion wafers are blessed by the church–for this and other purposes.

  • Friday

    So… Been wondering if he was trying to avoid lesbian metaphors or just couldn’t resist trying to make bagels phallic? 🙂

  • Paul Forsyth

    I love that the conference is named “Welcoming and Accompanying Our Brothers and Sister with Same-Sex Attractions”. Fist of all, way to long of a name. Second what is it with these people and calling things the exact opposite of what they are. Liberty Council, Family Research Council etc. It’s like calling something chocolate covered surprise and finding out the surprise is poison.

  • 2karmanot

    According to highly placed sources, Catholic priests are known to have successfully placed bagels in their rear.

  • KnownDonorDad

    I guess that means you could hear someone coming.

    • LonelyLiberal

      The problem is the resulting yeast infections. Also, when making bagels you always end up with something in the oven.

  • KQCA

    A bottle of baby oil and 15 minutes in a cheap motel with this dude and I guarantee I could change his story real quick.

  • ExGayTherapyKills

    EX GAY THERAPY KILLS

  • LarryChemEngr

    So, he didn’t correct the student when asked, “Why does God hate gay people?”. That speaks volumes.

  • ExGayTherapyKills

    Where was he when the abusive priest were doing what they were doing with young children?