IOWA: Man Tries To Marry Lawnmower

“Congressman Steve King (R – Iowa) said last week that the recent Supreme Court ruling on gay marriage meant you could marry your lawnmower. So I decided to test his theory and see if I could, in fact, wed my lawnmower in Iowa.”

(Tipped by JMG reader Blair)

  • John

    But who give away the bride? The leaf blower?

    • Anastasia Beaverhousen

      The leaf blower is part of the three way they had at the rehearsal dinner.

      • John

        That sounds dirty! (Any chance THAT got filmed?)

      • another_steve

        Oh, if only Aesop were still with us. [sigh]

        “The Tale of the Human, the Lawnmower, and the Leaf Blower.”

        • Ginger Snap

          You made me think of this lovely piece of cinema.

          The Cook, The Thief, His Wife and Her Lover.

          https://youtu.be/nXLRdeYFHss

          • nocadrummer

            A sumptuous film! I loved it.

      • Oscarlating Wildely

        Only if you don’t know how to use the leaf blower correctly! See, little known fact, there’s a way to make it reverse and suck air in, not blow out– and that makes an even more amazing experience for the wedding night! I am telling you, I was checking it out just the other night with this handsome groom– I mean, I saw this one guy at Lowes and he showed me how it worked— or, uh, well, there was this friend of mine…. um, Benghazi.

    • pickypecker
    • Mark

      The weed whacker….

  • clay

    Is he hoping for blood-stained sheets to prove consummation?

    • Steverino

      If he wasn’t circumcised before…

    • Anastasia Beaverhousen

      New meaning to sit and spin.

    • AKSARBENT

      Stay away from the Lawnboys if you know what’s good for you…

  • Jean-Marc in Canada

    CONSENT people, CONSENT……something the repugnants can’t even conceive.

    • Gustav2

      Republican conception often doesn’t require consent.

    • jomicur

      It’s part of the reason they’re okay with rape.

      • clay

        illegitimate rape

    • another_steve

      Hon, my lawnmower has more cognitive ability than all of the current U.S. Republican Presidential hopefuls combined.

  • TampaDink

    But, but, but….Steve King SAID man/lawn mower marriage is legal!

    • oikos

      Mowerghazi!!!!

      • lymis

        Wasn’t he raised in the jungle by Baloo the bear?

  • another_steve

    I don’t love my lawnmower and would not marry it, but I would definitely marry my dishwasher.

    I LOVE my dishwasher!

    Girl is so good to me. 🙂

    • ohbear1957

      I’m another machine-phile to come out of the closet.

      After many years of companionship, I want to marry my air conditioner, Mr. AC, for several reasons:
      As soon as I turn him on, he’s ready to blow me.
      I love the erotic sounds his unit makes when he’s turned on.
      I don’t mind sleeping in the “freon spot” in bed. It’s a pretty cool feeling.
      In the summer, he keeps me cool and in the winter he’s game for a 3-way with Mr. Heat Pump.

      • another_steve

        “As soon as I turn him on, he’s ready to blow me.”

        “I don’t mind sleeping in the “freon spot” in bed.”

        LMAO. Ohmigod that is SO funny.

        Thanks. 😉

  • oikos

    How old is your lawn mower? lmao.

  • JT

    Bag on or bag off? On before the marriage night, off after that.

  • Anastasia Beaverhousen

    I think Steve King is ripping off Stephen King again and his short story, “The Lawnmower Man.”

  • Rex

    I hate my lawnmower, even though it lets me ride it once a week.

  • bkmn

    Slightly funny but what is not funny is that Iowa keeps reelecting Steve King. Put up a real candidate Iowa Dems and redeem your state.

    • oikos

      I think his district was transported there from FL or TX.

    • Alpha 50327

      No one with a D by their name could possibly win that district. The Returned Jesus Christ would lose if he ran as a Democrat.

  • Elliott

    And they say we’re the ones that devalue and disrespect the institution of marriage.

  • Baltimatt

    He can just walk into the county building with a lawnmower?

    • oikos

      As long as it doesn’t have a burqua.

    • jomicur

      Open carry, er, push?

  • RCChicago

    Fabulous. I toyed around with doing something similar, but assumed I’d be disqualified since I’m already married.

  • Alpha 50327

    You should see the video where he consummates the marriage.

    • Dreaming Vertebrate

      My uncle had an old mower with a cord you had to pull relentlessly to get it started. Just getting it up and running was practically a consummation

      • They’ve not gotten much better.

        I figured out last week why I let my younger bro do the mowing. I nearly tired myself out getting the damn thing started, and actually got one mower’s starting cord hooked around itself in the process.

  • Gyeo

    It’s very telling that Christianist view one partner in a marriage as an object. Like the reason why a marriage must be only one man and women is because consent to Christianist doesn’t matter. If a woman’s ability to consent is the same as a lawnmower, then you have to enforce one man and one women. Basically it’s all rooted in misogyny.

    Progressives on the other hand view consent as a basis for marriage. Can’t consent, can’t get married.

    • Steverino

      “It’s very telling that Christianist view one partner in a marriage as an object… Basically it’s all rooted in misogyny.”

      BINGO!

    • B Snow

      I saw a very good post somewhere that explained how these “man and dog”, “man and toaster” marriage suggestions all come from the idea that marriage is about a man joining with an object he chooses to marry, not two equal partners joining together of their own free will.

      Shorter: what you said.

    • Adam Schmidt

      And out of all the combinations you hear them bring up… a man and his dog, a man and his lawnmower, a man and his toaster… you never ever hear them suggest a woman and her vibrator.

      • Todd20036

        Well, duh. A mower can mow the lawn. A dog can fertilize the lawn. A toaster can, um, toast the lawn.

        What can a vibrator do to a lawn?

        • Balderdashing

          Make the homeowner ecstatic.

    • Joe knows who I am.

      This is the problem with progressivism. Time was when I could rape a lawnmower and that was sufficient to be considered married!

      • Snarkaholic

        As long as you paid the hardware store you bought it from fifty pieces of silver.

    • Balderdashing

      I want to witness the consumation. I’ll even spring for popcorn and a videocamera. Start ‘er up!

  • Gigi

    Who’s voting for nutjobs like Steve King?

    • John

      Iowans. Repeatedly. Says something disturbing about corn, doesn’t it?

      • Gigi

        A corn cob is only good for one thing.

    • clay

      Four years ago this week, the Ames Straw Poll went for Michele Bachmann and four and half years ago the Iowa Caucuses went to Santorum.

  • LovesIrony

    does my goat count?

  • Octavio

    Well, we do have to test the boundaries to know for certain what is and isn’t true. Sadly, Steve King doesn’t care. 🙁

    Back in 1974-75 I do remember attending the wedding of a famous and well-liked radio personality in SLC who married a live duck. There wasn’t much of a ripple in the social fabric of SLC at the time. And the radio announcer killed himself six months later. Sadly, I can no longer remember that guy’s name. But the duck’s name was Mildred.

    • SockMikey

      Octavio, here ya go… 🙂

      The Daily Herald from Provo Utah
      Sunday 1/18/76
      Page 34

      Duck Gets *Wed’ in Salt Lake SALT LAKE CITY (UPI) Last week after two women tried to get a marriage license, an official said the city’s nuptial laws were So vague that a duck could probably get married in Salt Lake.

      This week one did.

      Radio announcer Will Lucas, after several days of on-the- air promotion, showed up at the county clerk’s office with his intended ~- Mildred Mallard. Explained Lucas, “Well, a lot of people marry turkeys. Actually, I’ve only known her about four hours. I don’t mess around.” Mildred tried to sign the marriage application with a pen between her toes, but County Clerk Sterling Evans said a real marriage license couldn’t be issued because the bride has to understand what she is signing. Instead, he slapped a hunter’s duck stamp on the application and gave the couple a certificate good for a three-day honeymoon.

      • Octavio

        Hah! Thanks. Gee willikers! That was 1976? It was an amazing time, I do remember that. I also remember attending the formal attire ceremony and the SL Hilton. We all drank Cold Duck. Thank you so much for locating this tid bit. I haven’t been able to remember Will Lucas’ name for decades. He was quite the nice-looking silver streaked daddy. He’d recently divorced, having suddenly realized he wasn’t into women any more. We had great hopes for him to find renewed happiness with any number of great male beauties of that era. Then one day -boom- he just checked himself out. I had a good friend who would call into his radio program in the mornings and do card tricks over the phone. RIP Will and Mildred. 🙂

      • Robincho

        Mildred Mallard has been pulling this shit for a long time. Finally, Clerk Sterling Evans figured out that the easiest thing to do with mounting costs for duck stamps was just to put them on Mildred’s bill…

      • coram nobis

        So instead she went into medicine — until they found out she was a quack.

  • JaniceInToronto

    That poor man. Unrequited love for his lawnmower is heartbreaking. I blame it on the gays. They didn’t include marrying inanimate objects in their agenda. 🙁 Sadness…

  • pickypecker

    Blended family portrait. Love comes in many shapes and sizes these days.

    http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01440/lawnmower_1440710c.jpg

    • Stev84

      First lawn movers, then polygamy

      • raybob

        It is a slippery slope.

        • coram nobis

          It won’t be so slippery if they don’t use santorum.

      • Balderdashing

        Then polypropylene.

      • Mark

        Then duggary…..

    • lymis

      So, they’re Mormon?

      • Dreaming Vertebrate

        More likely part of the Quiverfull movement.

  • FlKeysKevin

    I’d rather marry a hoe.

    • Ginger Snap

      First a hoe then you’ll want all the farm equipment in your bed.

      • BudClark

        A milking machine would be more to the point.

  • MattM

    I get it: we all appreciate some good vibrations. But all it has to offer is sex.

  • Christophe

    More shovels for the Repig dirtbags. It will be so nice to mow right over them when they’re all finished.

  • Tom Tallis

    I think it would have been hilarious if there had been a whole line of people with lawnmowers lined up at the counter when he arrived.

    • Ginger Snap

      Or the hallway full of people pushing them in smiling and he ones on the way out sad and crying.

  • Chris Larosa

    Cute point, but don’t you think he should have been single instead of already married? Unless he was trying to see if a polygamous marriage to a person and inanimate object was a possibility?

  • Ragnar Lothbrok

    Well, Iowa is generally a Blue state with a very red district that King and I get to share. He wins easily as he gets ALL the farm vote because he ensures the mega subsidy $$ flow, non stop.
    But there are REAL progressives out here and DECENT people, just not enough of us.

  • Ginger Snap

    Maybe he can get a Civil Union.

  • Galvestonian

    MORON

  • Gianpiero

    Looking at his garage, he does seem to have already forsaken all other power tools.

  • SockMikey

    Once I had a love and it ran on gas
    Turned on a dime while it cut grass
    Mowed me like a pro, he was mine
    Macho Lawn-Boy, vibrates real fine

  • Canadian Observer

    The clerk in the office was wonderful, glad she felt it was okay to play along rather than get all uptight about the “dignity” of her office.

  • A Big Sarcastic Fairy!

    Well the honeymoon with it is going to a real eye-opener!

    • coram nobis

      But I thought marriage was about procreation! Not making hay!

      • LonelyLiberal

        In our case, it’s more like sowing our wild oats while insuring a crop failure.

  • Ninja0980

    I’m sure he’ll have cutting edge sex techniques to try out on it.

    • Ed Burrow

      funny you bring that up Ninja…this morning I was listening to Glen Beck (I have no fucking idea why either…) and he was going on and on how by 2070 actual sexual contact with another human being will be looked down upon, having been replaced by sex with robots. Just to clarify his position, he was against it.

      • LonelyLiberal

        Dateline, July 14, 2070: With the invention of the Hookerbot 3000, Glen Beck finally got laid. We’ll take you now to Tricia…

  • Jan Wesselius

    I just moved to Iowa now the world will think I am dumber than I actually am.

    • Ragnar Lothbrok

      Hey now…

  • Happy Dance

    Flawless!

  • Princess Lardass

    What kind of lube will they use? SAE 10W-30 or KY Jelly?

    • SockMikey

      When the mowers get older, you have to sometimes prime their carburetors to get them going.

      I wonder if Medicare covers this?

      • LonelyLiberal

        I usually use lighter fluid for that. It’s like Viagra for lawn mowers and snow blowers.

        (And every year, I prime the snow blower and mutter, “My name is snow.”)

  • coram nobis

    But I thought he liked John Deere!

  • DutchBoy74

    So Representative Steve King thinks a spouse is a nothing more than an appliance or utility.

    I’m sure that’s going to go over well with the woman voters.

  • seththayer

    Thank you for attempting this. For an elected government official to actually say these things, in public, is just so dangerous.

  • GayOldLady

    Someone needs to send the video to Steve King so he can see what a fool he’s making of himself. This guy did a good job of calling him out.

  • Adam Schmidt

    Hey dumbass… marriage is a contract. To enter into a contract you need to be 3 things… human, of legal age, and able to provide consent. Your lawnmower is none of those things.

  • No Means No

    Lawnmower says, “NO!”

    • But don’t you have to fake-type something in before it gives you that response? 😀

    • Lumpy Gaga

      Mow means no.

  • KentDean

    I was hoping to marry my lawn mower but, at the last minute, it sent me a John Deere letter.

    • anne marie in philly

      the best line I have read all day! a winner every time!

    • Wah-wah-waaaahh.

    • coram nobis

      In an earlier, more traditional time in Iowa, he might have married his plow horse. Trouble is, if the clerk says “do you take this man …” the horse always says neigh.

    • Kissmagrits

      Love it.

  • Harley

    So once again a republican religious right moron is talking about marrying things, animals, and children. Yet no one else does. That seems to be the only thing on their minds. What perverts they are. They really need to be on sex offender registries.

  • anne marie in philly

    bwhahahahahahaha! LOVE IT!

  • Lakeview Bob

    Stupid ass.

  • duanebidoux

    Well apparently he’s going to have to keep living in sin with his lawnmower.

  • KQCA

    ROFL.. and the clerk was a good sport and handled it with class.

  • DaddyRay

    Don’t you dare cheat on your lawnmower – she will cut you

  • Daniel

    There’s gotta be a “Briggs & Stratton” joke in here somewhere…

  • Kissmagrits

    I have a recommendation for the exact placement of his dick on their wedding night. Of course, his beloved will have to tuned up, fueled and running for the nuptials and ritual deflowering.
    There will be blood.

  • sword

    I have a lawnmower that is over 21 years old…but I guess I still can’t marry it…because it lost its hands many years ago (can’t sign the marriage certificate)…but it does have a brain equal to Rep Kings’ (zero).