Manly Man Ted Cruz Fires Machine Gun

From the same right-wing publicists that brought you Lindsey Graham destroying a phone and Ben Carson playing Operation.

  • Paula

    What a buffoon. Now, make him clean up the mess.

    • Lumpy Gaga

      You got a problem with bacon grease on the floor of a shooting range???

      • Paula

        Well, slippery floors and loaded automatic weapons do go together, so well. Just throw some beer into the equation and you have teabagger Nirvana.

    • Gustav2

      Paula, you KNOW that’s why Gawd gave man the little woman…


      • Bluto

        [note to self- never stand behind Gustav]

  • Michael Rush

    there’s a what now ?

    photo taken at a “Celebrate the 2nd Amendment Event” at the CrossRoads Shooting Sports in Johnston, Iowa

    • Octavio

      He’s so fucking ugly. If he weren’t such an asshole I’d almost feel sorry for him.

      • Michael Rush

        i always wished evil people would just get uglier and uglier so you could spot them more easily .

        • Octavio

          If life were only so easy. I recently had a friend visit from the distant past who was and still is one of the fugliest creatures on Earth. Yet, he’s also one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever known. His kindness is difficult to perceive when you first meet him. But it eventually breaks out. If he’d only brush his teeth more. (:-)

          • Ginger Snap

            I also have a dear friend with bad oral hygiene. No matter how I try he just doesn’t care. He’s an doll and I
            M long over it now.

      • Sk3ptic

        I’ve never seen anyone that projects such a visceral need to be punched just for pure smarminess, from skin to soul.

        • Judas Peckerwood

          Scott Walker? Rick Santorum?

          • Sk3ptic

            Yeah, not even them!
            I think it’s the weird puppy dog eyebrows, the melting jowly face, with the sneering mouth that does it. Add the Republican Hair TM , and it’s just irresistible.

          • BudClark

            The whole lot of ’em.

    • Max_1
    • Bluto

      Someone thought this photo was a good idea?

  • John

    Any chance he could bring that to the “debate” Thursday? It could be fun.

    • bkmn

      Especially if Fux arranges them in a circle.

      • Doug105

        A few mood settling drinks before hand.

    • bambinoitaliano

      Please be an open carry event. So many clowns gathering in one place I’m sure something hilarious will ensue.

  • bkmn

    If he would do that to his own flesh and blood….

  • PeterC

    Lard Ass Bacon

  • Secure

    I hope Trump crushes Ted Cruz. Of the seventeen Republicans running, I say Ted is the worst of them all.

    • Judas Peckerwood

      Ugh. It’s like trying to pick out the ugliest turd in a toilet.

      • Doug105

        YA, but this one has a stronger stench and extra corn.

  • Phil

    We know how this is going to end:

    • Billanddogs

      Thank you for that. This will be my new all time favorite!

  • Gene

    non military..looked awkward with it…reminds me of Dukakis in the tank (and that is not a happy memory)

  • noni
    • bkmn

      Truly disgusting. There should be jail time for him.

  • Lumpy Gaga

    Dear Ted:

    That’s how I would hold a machine gun. You really wanna go there??

  • Lumpy Gaga

    Okay. Watched the vid.

    Can’t even get a rage hard-on.

  • JT
    • Octavio

      Now all he needs to do is begin stuttering again.

    • Craig S

      He should invite Dick Cheney for breakfast

      • Masticator

        Dick Cheney would eat Cruz for breakfast, spit him out, and eat him again for lunch.

        • Craig S


        • coram nobis

          With some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

    • Doug105

      Little bit of touch up balls for ears and an anus mouth and even god couldn’t tell them apart.

      • JT

        Even the dickheads are bigger in Texas.

    • JW Swift

      “Duck season!”
      “Wabbit season!”
      “Duck season!”
      “Wabbit season!”

      • anne marie in philly


  • Gustav2
  • John Boily

    I always thought politicians had to have a shimmer of charm. He has none if not less than none. What gives? Delusion? Cronyism? The white plastic spork at the end pretty much sums up his personality for me.

  • Balderdashing

    He must sure have a small peepee.

    • Mark

      If that.

      • Silver Badger

        I have occasionally wondered how all that transgender stuff works when transitioning from female to male.

        • Bj Lincoln

          The surgery for the bottom part is not very good in the US. Brazil can do it much better but there is still risk it won’t work. Not all trans people have surgery. Many will have the top done but the bottom is very expensive and the risk is great. My F to M trans friend is having his top surgery done the end of next month. We are all very excited for him. It’s been a long time coming and much needed.

          • Silver Badger

            Thank you. There are simply some questions a gentleman hesitates to ask.

  • From for lame. I think they all fit rather well, when talking about Cruz.

    in rut
    not heretical

    • Octavio

      I don’t see “spawn of Satan” on that list.

      • I dont think “lame” is worthy of spawn of satan, but crusty cruz sure is

      • Doug105

        Don’t defame poor satan that way.

    • LonelyLiberal

      Demure? Cruz? Never.

    • Clive Johnson

      That about sums it up.

    • coram nobis

      Carnival Cruz?

    • Stev84

      Moral? Moderate?

      • Yes, there were a few clunkers in the list, but didn’t want to edit it as I thought the list was important to contrast the positive words like moral to how Cruz actually is.

  • Jan Wesselius

    That cooking bacon on a machine gun was on Ripley’s Believe it or Not about 4 weeks ago. Ted Cruz must be hurting for ideas, but then again he never did have an original idea.

  • Rex

    Cruz couldn’t be any creepier if he tried.

    • AdamTh

      But he WILL keep trying..


    Where are the armadillos when you really need them ?

  • pj

    im sure the familys of all the people murdered with machine guns in this country are finding this video really funny..

  • KCMC

    winning ticket

  • bambinoitaliano

    Where are the armadillos when you need them?

  • TheManicMechanic

    He’s like everyone’s really creep uncle.

  • dcurlee

    holding that big old piece in his hands. That’s probably his jizz all over the floor

  • AdamTh

    Hey Teddie… Real men from Texas don’t wear sissy ear-plugs.

    • Billanddogs

      Especially not glow-in-the-dark, green ear plugs.

  • j.martindale


  • douglas

    BUT, but, but the bible says quite clearly that you should not eat pork for it is abomination. In fact you aren’t even supposed to touch a pig. So it’s time to stop eating bacon and give up all those high school football games or risk God’s wrath.

  • sdnative1958

    I really don’t know what to say anymore – what the hell we must look like to other civilized countries is beyond me.

    • Canadian Observer

      Well the image is not exactly what most people would consider unreservedly positive.

  • Kevin Perez

    I had my doubts that Ted Cruz was qualified to be commander in chief because of that whole Calgary Canada birth certificate thing but now, after watching how Ted Cruz makes bacon, I’m totally convinced that he’s completely unqualified.

  • A Big Sarcastic Fairy!

    As Moms Mabley would say “He was so ugly… he hurt my feelings.”
    (I corrected this quote.)

  • Clive Johnson

    Holy crap are we sinking as a country…

  • charemor

    I am just waiting for little Teddy to get caught with a boy friend or a rent boy.

  • coram nobis

    He wants to be leader of the Fee World. Right.

    Next up: Rick Santorum stir-fries trout with isotopes and calls it Iranian Fission Chips.

  • Soren456

    Eat it, Ted.

    (And it’s not a machine gun, BTW.)

  • Richard Rush

    Cartoonly man Ted Cruz fires machine gun in a hopeless effort to change his image to manly man.

    • RoFaWh

      Sounds rather like li’l Putin.

  • ColdCountry

    They sure are scraping the bottom of the barrel both ad-wise and candidate-wise.

  • GreatLakeSailor

    What, Cruz couldn’t have shown just how butch he is by blending a cell phone like M. Lindsey!?

  • DN

    This is such bullshit. The first defense of the gun owner is about how responsible gun owners aren’t the problem.

    Well, here’s a sitting U.S. senator, and a serious contender for the republican presidential primary, using a gun as a FUCKING TOY!

  • KQCA

    There’s something creepy going on in the wiring between that dude’s brain and his groin.

  • TreGibbs

    Creepy, tacky and psychotic – all in one stupid video.

    • Nychta

      Along with a cooking tip one needn’t bother using at home.

  • TampaDink

    At least when you attempt to prepare food in an Easy Bake Oven™, it doesn’t result in a metallic flavoring with a hint of gun powder.

  • Everytime I see someone with a machine gun, I can only see someone who pissed their pants when a big black man walks by.

  • Hmmm. Fetal alcohol syndrome bacon. Just the way I like it.

  • Happy Dance

    I never trust anyone with paper thin lips!

  • prjoe

    What must the civilized world think of us? I swear, the next time I travel overseas I’m carrying a Canadian flag.

    • Johnny Wyeknot

      I wore a Canadian flag lapel pin in Europe during the Bush years.

  • Ginger Snap

    I’d like to say here and now that I have more balls than Ted Cruz or any other GOP hopeful. Yes, even with my balls an dick duct taped up and in 10 inch heels I’m more of a man than most of them will ever be. I can also shoot a gun but have no reason to and I can suck cock for hours and enjoy it.

  • Ontogenesis

    Moron. My dad’s from Texas and no one would ever abuse bacon like that. Shitty brands Cruz bought too.

  • billbear1961

    Pandering piece of filth!

    Disgusting, fucking DISGRACE!

  • McSwagg

    So I guess that he can now claim “military experience”.

  • Mark

    Ted Cruz is as manly as Elvira is scary.

  • Johnny Wyeknot

    Holy fuck! Is this real?

  • goofy_joe

    Oh boy, another dim witted fool holding a gun. Haven’t seen that before!