Touch ‘Em All Ministries

“TEAM is an interdenominational Christian organization dedicated to
sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ with participants at sporting events.” Source.

  • Craig Howell

    These jokes write themselves!

  • oikos

    They just have no clue do they?

  • Bad Tom

    “Show us on the doll where TEAM touched you…”

  • barracks9

    Oh, Jebus – use me to touch ’em all…

    • barracks9

      or…

      • Sashineb

        Let Him In … a song that Bristol Palin takes seriously!

        • bkmn

          On at least a weekly basis.

      • oikos

        πŸ™‚

        • barracks9

          I think this image wouldn’t be so creepy if her hand wasn’t in the pre-duggaring position.

          • oikos

            It is indeed creepy.

        • LonelyLiberal

          Yes, yes I would like a ride to heaven. Be by around 10.

        • Joseph Miceli

          Via Betty Bowers.

          • oikos

            That bastard.

      • Octavio

        I’d say she’s 12 weeks along. πŸ™‚

      • AtticusP

        Let him in?

        I think Mrs. DUGGAR has a sampler with those words on it…

        • TampaDink

          She still has it but the fabric is so worn that the words are no longer legible.

    • Sashineb

      Of course, they are NOT wearing wigs. Nothing synthetic here.

      • Mark

        Beginning of the depletion of the ozone layer from the hairspray.

        • Sashineb

          Gawd almighty — helmet hair for days.

          • Mark

            Those dos would absorb bullets – no need for a helmet….

          • Sashineb

            What was that line in “The Rose” … “honey, your hair has a hard-on!”

        • VodkaAndPolitics

          I remember as a kid, we had to wait like 20 minutes to use the bathroom after Mom did her hair, because the smell of the “Aqua Net” was so strong.

          • LonelyLiberal

            Heavens, I still use Aqua Net. Even on short hair (that’s thin and rather fly-away), nothing sticks it together like Aqua Net.

            It’s great for killing flies, too.

          • B Snow

            Does it get ballpoint pen marks out of fabric? The old kind of hairspray used to.

          • LonelyLiberal

            I haven’t tried, actually! My standard laundry soap doesn’t have a problem with doing that.

          • Bj Lincoln

            I use it to seal chalk and pencil drawings so they don’t smug. It also takes ink out of fabric.

          • Bad Tom

            Versatile.
            I like versatile household products.

        • Snarkaholic

          Well, at least all the hairspray fume huffing they did explains their ‘fashion’ choices.

      • barracks9

        Except their clothes!

        • Sashineb

          Where do you find these gems? Oh, well it’s nice to see that they’ve all passed their Home Economics sewing classes.

          • barracks9

            Google Images has tons of stuff like this. Those open-sided shoes are a bit whore-ish for good church gals, don’t you think?

          • Sashineb

            And the one in the middle is showing her knee cap! And the one on the right has that “come, hither” look, leering lustfully with lascivious thoughts toward the photographer. Oh, they’ll all burn in hell for this!!

          • TampaDink

            The one in the middle, a.k.a. the Saucy Minx of Salvation.

          • oikos

            LOL

          • Joseph Miceli

            Jesus never said he didn’t like a good sling back pump. I think he had a thing for feet anyway. All that foot washing….

        • oikos

          I’ll bet aside from all the moaning there is a lot of him saying “Oh me!”

          • Snarkaholic

            Me!
            Me, damn it!!!

        • Octavio

          Fun shoes!

        • Marides48

          “Holy Shit” sounds great in stereo!

    • David Walker

      Bless their hearts.

      • barracks9

        And he does.

    • oikos

      Scary. I remember when my older sisters had those same kind of hair ‘styles.’

      • Eebadee-eebadee-thatsallfolks

        Hair felonies is more like it.

        • Nychta

          Hey, now….

          • Eebadee-eebadee-thatsallfolks

            Present company excepted, of course. πŸ˜‰

        • BobSF_94117

          On the plus side, it was convenient having a fall-out shelter on your head. No need to duck and cover.

    • TheManicMechanic

      That van gets around…

      • TheManicMechanic

        And others want in on that action…

      • TampaDink

        Is that THE Todd Palin? It kinda looks like him.

        • TheManicMechanic

          It is him, but I am pretty sure this was ‘shopped for some other purpose. I saw it and thought it would work fine here. πŸ˜‰

          • TampaDink

            Thanks for clearing that up, I was afraid that I’d begun to imagine seeing him everywhere and was afraid to make toast.

          • TheManicMechanic

            WIN

      • Joseph Miceli

        Can you show us on Mr. Bear where Jesus touched you?

    • Sk3ptic

      Is that Todd Starnes on the right????

      • TampaDink

        Good catch. I knew that face looked familiar.

    • LonelyLiberal

      Jesus use me, because nobody else will.

    • AJD

      I thought Stephen Fry was an atheist

    • Ian

      I think I dated this dom/masc/straight-acting “Hey-sus”.

    • Marides48

      I’m old! I remember “Big Hair” like that in the 1960’s!

    • Joseph Miceli

      Wow. the Drag is strong with these gals!

      • barracks9

        Handsome women, all.

      • William

        I think I went to high school with the guy on the right.

    • Bad Tom

      I’m, like, having nightmares about that Faith Tone Hair.

      It’s, like, an alien infestation, like, brain parasites descended from the powder-blue sky, like, right there in the picture on the album, like, onto the heads of these poor, like, guy…, uh, girls.

      I mean, like, the girl on the left, her hair is bigger than her entire head! (shudder) Like, damn!

      Either that, or it’s, like, a John Waters movie on acid.

    • Gayskeptic

      This is way creepier…

  • Ireyon

    Zero self-awareness really. How do they breath and think at the same time?

    • Bad Tom

      They can’t. So, thinking time is really limited.
      How long can you hold your breath?

      • MBear

        more like how long *will* you hold your breath – hopefully before brain damage from lack of oxygen occurs…which apparently isn’t the case with heterosexual christian terrorists

        • Bad Tom

          Well, normal people have a reflex that kicks in.
          But, we agree, these ain’t normal people.

          • MBear

            LOL – religion is wholly unnatural and abnormal. πŸ™‚

          • Octavio

            Hmmmm . . . if they can hold their breath and have no gag reflex . . . think of the possibilities. πŸ™‚

    • MBear

      jeebis

  • MBear

    the christian terrorists aren’t even hiding their pedophilia anymore?!?

    • David Walker

      Little League World Series, here we come!

      • MBear

        sponsored by the Duggars

  • Ted.OR

    “OK, but wait until after the game for us to talk. Right now I’m busy watching the men in their uniforms.”

  • MBear

    it’s like the Duggar version of Pokemon: Gotta Touch Them All!

    • Randolph Finder

      Yay, the first Duggar reference…

    • LonelyLiberal

      Except they can only afford the off brand version, Pokegirl.

    • Snarkaholic

      I thought it was more like LAYS potato chips: You can’t eat just one.

  • BearEyes

    “participants at sporting events.”
    Nothing like a captive audience.

  • GarySFBCN

    Maybe they are part of Beaver Lick Baptist Church.

    http://www.royzimmerman.com/news/110308/images/images/beaverlick.jpg

  • shellback

    What on Earth is in the trailer? I’ll let you come up with a list.

    [edit] Great responses. I love you all.

    • barracks9

      Candy
      Lube
      Porn

      • MBear

        body parts?

      • David Walker

        Discreetly placed cameras.
        Internet access.

        • Bad Tom

          WiFi.

    • BearEyes

      body bags and chill packs for the ones who told where they were touched.

    • pj

      candy

    • PLAINTOM

      Lots of rope.

    • Bad Tom

      One of these, for sure.

      • oikos

        That is hilarious. LMAO!

      • TheManicMechanic

        This needs to be a thing. Stat.

        • Bad Tom

          I know people who are good at making things, and I’m a good project manager. Hmmm.

      • Marides48

        Put this up as an Easter decoration. Just add a few bunnies & colored eggs.

      • MC

        OMG. That is so rude. I can’t stop laughing.

      • shellback

        That is fucking mesmerizing.

    • TampaDink

      Individually wrapped towlettes, pre-soaked in chloroform.
      As well as what others have already suggested.

    • Michael Senesac

      An alter to Josh Duggar, their savior.

  • MBear

    their webpage is devoid of upcoming events – perhaps they’re being investigated for…touching?

  • DanimalChgo

    PHRASING!

  • mikeinrkfd

    Bad touch, mommy, bad touch!

  • David Walker

    Do they have a branch office in the House of Lords?

  • MarkOH

    Was this started by ex-priests?

    • Paula

      That is my question, too. Touch ’em all? Sounds mighty catlick to me.

  • PLAINTOM

    Yeah, Josh just found his dream job.

  • Gustav2

    Grandmother did always say those people were “touched” but I don’t think that is what she meant.

    • oikos

      “teched in the head.”

  • bkmn

    Who wouldn’t trust their youth minister?

    • oikos

      Anyone who knows how to do a Google search. πŸ™‚

  • Octavio

    Their trailer blows a tire as they clip along at 65 mph on the interstate. It causes an axle to break. The trailer door comes open letting buybulls litter the highway. State troopers show up to investigate. When the tow-truck shows up to help clear the wreckage one more box of buybulls falls out — but instead of buybulls the box collapses under the weight of 100 kilos of cocaine. Jesus takes the ministry to jail. End of scene. πŸ™‚

    • KCMC

      I need more from the hot strapping troopers in my scene, please.

      • Steve Teeter

        Sorry, they have to keep their shirts on. Regulations.

        • KCMC

          shirts on, flies open. Works for my fantasy.
          Salty, sweat wet taut uniform shirts.

          • David L. Caster

            Animal. (;~{)>>

          • KCMC

            Yes.Please. And?

          • David L. Caster

            Nothing wrong with liking them ripe. I don’t like green bananas either.

  • Ted.OR

    And if they get lost trying to find the stadium or arena, they won’t even need a GPS!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFRzQMDO6nk

  • Galvestonian

    A more appropriate names would be “Fleece ’em All Ministries” or FEAM.

    • Snarkaholic

      “Khrist’s Khristian Krusaders”

      • Snarkaholic

        Serving Christ Awareness Ministries
        (SCAM)

        • Snarkaholic

          Christians United Ministries

  • Sam_Handwich

    the filthy fingers of faith

    • BaddogLtd

      Here ya go Sam. I believe this is all you need to start enjoying your tax exempt status. Congratulations!

  • BaddogLtd
    • oikos

      That totally creeps me out.

      • Bad Tom

        And the more you think about it
        the creepier it gets.

      • BaddogLtd

        Jesus is magic and magic is fun! http://i.giphy.com/RQhgv00FE8tig.gif

        • KCMC

          Just saw Magic last week. Wow.
          Hopkins hot young otter.

    • MBear

      Photoshop peeps: stick the T.E.A.M. logo on there…! LOL

      • BaddogLtd

        Sorry Bear, I moved that post a few spots up but I did take your advice ; )

    • Snarkaholic

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24PCCnnHbIM
      Hmm…where have we seen that van before?

      • BaddogLtd

        That is some scary shit!

  • Todd

    I think the Catholic church should sue. Surely they already have this name trademarked.

  • TampaDink

    Outreach is an integral part of letting your faith touch others.

    • oikos

      I think you’ve put your finger on it.

      • TampaDink

        Creepy is as creepy does.

    • ZhyKitty

      *Crying laughing*

      This whole page..rotflmao

      • TampaDink

        Yes indeed.

    • Snarkaholic

      Lord, fill me up!
      I want to feel you inside me!

      • TampaDink

        Your comment comes across as rather slutty. I
        like & appreciate that trait in others as I consider it to still be among my own personal bests. ☺

  • Ginger Snap

    Toucha, toucha, toucha, touch me I wanna feel dirty.

    • JW Swift

      Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, creature of the night!

  • Michael Rush

    Shaggs – We have a savior
    the folks who brought you ” my pal foot foot ”
    ( i’ve actually listened to this whole album 100+ times !!! )

    https://youtu.be/FXiZabZvriU

    • oikos

      The S is silent.

  • BaddogLtd

    Just get in the van and keep your mouth shut

    • oikos

      or open

      • BaddogLtd

        Not until the Jesus Juice starts working it’s magic ; )

    • LonelyLiberal

      Seems legit.

    • MBear

      there it is! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

  • BaddogLtd
    • Furface

      Good dawg!

    • KCMC

      BadDog, you’ve brought me a nice stick.
      So many treats!

      • BaddogLtd
        • KCMC

          Now we can really play!

        • William

          I would die of embarrassment.

          • BaddogLtd

            I would too but some folks seem to be able to laugh about it. I love this clip of a kid who finds his mom’s toy and yells “Wobbly Sausage!” while the father can barely film cause he’s laughing to hard. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXuZKUfGAys

          • William

            Dang, Mommy is ambitious. Or is Daddy the extra talented one?

          • BaddogLtd

            Hee hee : )

          • Chicago joe

            Tears. Dang that was funny

          • Bad Tom

            If your dog fetched you your favorite dildo?

            Your dog would be so upset.

          • William

            You know they all talk. I could never look any of the dogs in the eye again.

    • Joseph Miceli

      “Hey, diddle diddle….”

      • Bad Tom

        The dick in the middle…

  • jomicur

    I’ve had several memorable nights when I did just that. Yay, Jesus, or something!

  • JaniceInToronto

    Could they have picked a creepier name?

    • zhera

      Pedos R Us?

    • The Super Adventure Club.

  • KQCA

    Yes, because people run to accept Jesus when an incoherent fool is screaming insults and curses through a megaphone.

  • JustSayin’

    kiddie fuckers on wheels….

  • David L. Caster

    Humm, I guess this is what Maggie G. means when she uses the term parachurch.

  • Gordon.

    Show me on the doll, where you were touched.

  • Claude Jacques Bonhomme

    “… with participants at sporting events.”

    Water sports?