Because He Nailed It

Britain’s Portswood Church has launched a rather bizarre Easter campaign on social media with the title “Because He Nailed It.” I thought this was a spoof when I first saw it.

  • Mister Don

    Why didn’t Jesus get into college?
    He got nailed on his boards.

    • BearEyes

      Try the veal. I’m here all week.

      • JCF

        “Tip the veal, try your waitresses.”

    • Steverino

      What were Jesus’ last words?

      “These spikes are killing me!”

      • Miss Elaine

        “Bring me my sandals, Mary. These spikes are killing me.”

        • barracks9

          To which she replied, “Jesus! Stop biting your nails!”

          • KCMC

            again

        • brian

          JC walked into a Holiday Inn, threw some nails on the front desk and said, ” Can you put me up for the night? “.

      • Cousin Bleh

        “Peter, I can see your house from here.”

        • Anastasia Beaverhousen

          Jesus Christ, Shut the door, Were you born in a barn?

          • JCF

            Then this old chestnut: Jesus walks into a motel lobby, put three nails on the front desk and asks, “Can you put me up for the night?”

    • barracks9

      OK – got a visual joke that I’ll try to describe. Picture me, standing up, assuming the typical position of Christ on the cross, and I ask, “What’s this?”

      “It’s a helluva way to spend Good Friday!”

      • David Milley

        “Go on, scoot, get away!”
        “Goddamn beavers!”

  • Gustav2

    This will be the next Christian Rock hit brought to you by the new group, The Eleventh Station!

  • Prion

    I’ve always been taught that the “INRI” you see labeled on the cross means: “I’m Nailed Right In!”

  • geoffalnutt

    Ew. Glorifying human sacrifice. Just ew.

  • stuckinthewoods

    Ugh, just tried to schedule a bone scan at the closest hospital and they’re only doing Turin-ograms today. Must have side wound and hand holes without remaining metal to get seen today.

  • disqus_oCvsL5SBJH

    the uncreativity of christianity continues to embarrass the mind’s potential.

  • Rebecca Gardner

    Well , INRI does mean I’m Nailed Right In after all. 🙂

  • Jean-Marc in Canada

    Yup…..

    • DutchBoy74
      • Cousin Bleh

        “Because he nailed it, I no longer waste tears of good suffering.”

        • Polterguest

          Trick us again, girl, and your pain will be legendary. Even in hell.

        • Clive Johnson

          Joey/(Humanity): [crying] But this isn’t fair! You can’t!
          Pinhead/(Right-wing Jesus): Save your tears. I’ll reap your sorrow slowly. I have centuries to discover the things that make you whimper.

          Joey/(Humanity): You bastard! You invaded my mind!
          Pinhead/(Right-wing Jesus): You think your nighttime world is closed to me? Your mind is so naked. A book that yearns to be read. A door that begs to be opened.

    • vorpal

      ..

      • clay

        :0

        • vorpal

          You leave that mouth gaping and you might get a surprise.

          • ZhyKitty

            I almost choked to death on my aloe juice just now… lololololol

      • Todd20036

        You are naughty. Love it!

      • Joe in PA

        you know I have to say it….pictures or it didn’t happen. Ahem. 😈

        • vorpal

          I prefer to give live demonstrations… with plenty of audience participation encouraged! =evil grins=

    • ZhyKitty

      LOL

  • Brian in Valdosta

    But “he” didn’t nail anything. Others nailed him. Repeatedly. Allegedly, that is.

    • Nuff Said

      At least one guy claimed to have “speared” him.

  • crewman

    ‘My Life Is Better … Because He Nailed It.’

    Who do they think “He” refers to in this sentence? “He” can’t refer to Jesus, because he didn’t nail himself to the cross. So “He” refers to the Roman executioner. So their campaign is ‘My life is better’ … Because a Roman Guard Executed Jesus?

    • ScottJL

      Shhh. Stop using logic on their mythological deity!

      • Duh!

        Is there any other kind of deity?

    • Dramphooey

      Judging by the whining about cakes Christians do nail themselves to the cross these days.

    • Blobby

      maybe he did. maybe it was an easter miracle!

    • grada3784

      Not to mention that Jesus was “IT”.

      • clay

        They’re just really unhappy with Jesus’ gender presentation.

    • StSean

      Longinus? Pilate? Some random centurion? Who can say? It’s not like Jesus di.. OH OH OH!!!! Have you seen the new Iron Sky 2 trailer????

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PM13yXlW-Vs

    • Lawerence Collins

      These idiots ignorance is no longer stunning. Isn’t this blasphemy to them?

    • Anastasia Beaverhousen

      If he did nail himself to the cross, I would pay good money to see it. So much more interesting than that Cirque crap.

    • theSaint

      Must have been a grammatical mistake. It was supposed to say “he got nailed.”

    • JDM

      It’s Caiaphas, of course.

  • anne marie in philly

    ick.

  • lattebud

    Heard on a commuter train..”Yep, It’s good friday. No meat and I’m gonna get nailed”

  • Homo Erectus

    ..

    • Bad Tom

      Well, Father, it’s either you, or some underpaid worker at the crucifix factory.

  • MarkOH

    Always remember a card a friend gave me several years ago. It’s an arm with it’s hand nailed to a cross. On the wrist is a bracelet. inside the card it says “This year, say it with diamonds”

  • Easter’s on the 5th this year, for reasons other than tradition.

    • Gustav2

      Easter is the first Sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox no matter what year.

      • Dramphooey

        Sounds like a good reason to separate the chocolate bunnies and colored eggs and joy of Easter from the depressing nonsense of Dead Cult Leader Day.

      • The money making rabbit holiday, yes. The date of the event it actually occurred on, rarely, like this year. Kinda like Christmas, the santa clause money orgy day is the 25th of December. The actual date of his birthday, not even the right month.

      • Nuff Said

        Unless you are Eastern Orthodox Christian. This year the Orthodox celebration of Easter is April 12th.

    • ChrisMorley

      We sorted the dates for Easter at the Synod of Whitby, 664AD.
      It took us ages, so please don’t make us go through all that again.

    • Alan

      Doesn’t that just make it the first Sunday after Passover?

      • The 5th doesn’t always fall on a Sunday, which was the whole point.

  • Dagoril

    “He got nailed, so I don’t have to get nailed. Unless I want to get nailed.

    And I do. I do want to get nailed.

    Please nail me.”

    • Todd20036

      Your mind is in the sewer. Come sit by me.

      • clay

        Dag’s mind is in the head of that boy.

  • Ray Butlers

    This is tackier than serving Rusty Nails at Easter Brunch.

  • Cousin Bleh

    Easter weekend…

  • DutchBoy74

    Did anyone tell @JesusNeedsNewPR the phrase “Nailed it.” is more often used in tacky irony?
    http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/nailed-it
    http://www.reddit.com/r/nailedit

  • matt n

    i know people who walk about with tacks in their pants pockets during lent.

    • barracks9

      That reminds me of the whole “sitting Shiva” scene in “Torch Song Trilogy”.

      • matt n

        and it’s very sanitary… great for shaking hands…

    • PeterC

      And are they still pricks?

      • matt n

        probably. some used to keep a consecrated communion host in their seminary rooms because it kept them from jerking off in front of jesus. they would tell me this. fascinating…

  • Cricket

    Personally, I’m thinking Jesus doesn’t need new PR – his followers do.

  • Cuberly

    This reminds me of seeing spike necklaces every once in a while. I mean the cross is bad enough, but the spikes? Twisted.

    http://www.amazon.com/6030389-Necklace-Crucifix-Crucifixtion-Christian/dp/B00JBIBB0A

    • zhera

      They just can’t get enough of their torture items.

      • Cuberly

        First time I saw a “christian” with one on I had the hardest time wrapping my head around the idea behind it. So twisted.

  • stuckinthewoods

    ufff, if they’d only chosen Barrabas we might have been spared all this. Unless Paul then invented Barrabianity. But actually, Wikip says there is no recorded Roman custom of releasing any prisoner at Passover, or any other time.

    • PeterC

      And there is no Roman recorded history of Jesus walking around the country. But they recorded all other happenings of that time.

      • Guest

        Religious cultists preaching insurrection against Herod (and by extension, Rome) were a dime a dozen, so the Romans wouldn’t necessarily bother wasting the ink. They’d just crucify the troublemakers and wait for the next one to pop up.

      • stuckinthewoods

        Right. I’m presently having significant difficulty finding documented information about certain relatively known persons from just 200 years ago here in the US. It has only highlighted my skepticism that any information about “Jesus” would have been recorded or survived.

    • Anastasia Beaverhousen

      The crusades would have truly been “Barbarous and bloody.”

  • Bill_Perdue

    Happy Nail Day to one and all.

    http://www.jesusneverexisted.com/

    • gaymex

      Thanks for the link.

  • Larry in Oklahoma

    I had to laugh because this reminds me of this Febreze ad.
    “A man fresh out of the shower. Nailed it. Ohhhh yeah!!”
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XklRuSF4718

  • Miji

    Social media rule #17. Don’t post pictures of yourself holding up signs. Por ejemplo . . .

    • Miji

      o esto.

      • KCMC

        screen spit

      • Gerry Fisher

        That’s *wrong*!

    • Todd20036

      I wouldn’t mind nailing him, actually

      • Eebadee-eebadee-thatsallfolks

        He is going to be running a B&B in Brighton with his equally adorable boyfriend 10 years from now and will be really embarassed by this photo. Bet money on it.

        • TheFandomMenace

          I assumed this was his coming out photo. #confusedbysillyhashtags

  • Rocketeer500

    “Becasue He nailed it I’m no longer defined by what others think of me”.

    No deary, others will define you by the stupid sign you’re holding. Idiot.

  • JeffNBigD

    We have “Nailed it!” Billboards around Dallas, and have for several months now. I just assumed this was widespread. Guess maybe just in the red states,

    • DutchBoy74

      They know they only get money from people who jerk alike. You’re not going to see many of those in “the lion’s den” because lions don’t pay out dividends.

  • Soren456

    Easter sermon topic in a newspaper ad my father saw:

    “You Can’t Keep a Good Man Down.”

  • Halloween_Jack

    The Messiah: Did He Nail It, or Was He Nailed? Says Lucifer: “Well, he told me to get behind him, so…”

  • DaveMiller135

    Boy, that really is tacky. No pin intended.

  • Toasterlad

    Christians never, ever stop providing new ways to make fun of them. It’s almost enough to make a person want to keep religion alive.

  • Clive Johnson

    Jesus: “Um, I’ll pass.”

    • Bad Tom

      John Waters could create an entire movie based on just this album cover.

    • TreGibbs

      I know these fellas…

    • The one on the left is from ‘Mars attacks’. I recognize that bulbous dome head even with the “hair” covering it.

    • JCF

      This one (the cover) is a CLASSIC!

  • Smartypants

    Kind of makes you wish they’d stoned him…

    • Pet rocks would have lasted more than a year.

  • Ginger Snap

    Is this the “It” they speak of?

  • Max_1
  • JCF

    “Because He Got Nailed!” would—while accurate—give the campaign rather a different flavor… ;-p

    Happy Easter to every-body (raised, rising, or KO’d) @ JMG! 🙂

  • Aikane Kai

    I thought they celebrated when jebus got wood, then was resur-erected.