Via the Borowitz Report:
Moments after a little boy who was believed to be in his parents’ homemade helium balloon was found safe and sound, millions of Americans came to the realization that they had flushed the entire fucking afternoon down the fucking toilet. “I watched the entire drama unfold and then it turned out that no drama had unfolded,” said Carol Foyler, 32, of Missoula, Montana. “I can’t tell you how pissed I am at that fucking kid.” At their Colorado home, the parents of six-year-old Falcon Heene said that they were relieved that their son was all right and that they were pushing forward with their plans to build a giant child-operated flame-throwing robot.
(Tipped by JMG reader Sean)