Last week CNN.com published the results of its readers poll which asked the question, “What is the worst pop song of all time?” This poll occurs from time to time in various publications and I found CNN’s results unsurprising, other than the appearance of the gay camp classic, Charlene’s I’ve Never Been To Me, which came in at #4.
But Charlene’s position in the Worst Top Five inspired me to put a gayish spin on CNN’s question. What is the worst dance song of all time? We are the Gentlemen Who Dance, so I know there’s an encyclopedic knowledge base out there. I figure it will be harder to single out bad dance songs, because the usual main factor that identifies a bad pop song, really insipid lyrics, doesn’t necessarily apply to dance songs, because in discoland, words are often used for their sound more than for their meaning.
For the purposes of our poll, let’s consider all categories of club music to fall under the broader “dance” umbrella. Disco, funk, techno, tribal, whatever. Consider instrumentals too, by the way. I’ll start by giving you my top three, one of which is bound to be identified by a lot of you anyway.
3. Rhythm Is A Dancer – Snap
I googled the lyrics of this song just now, to provide triumphant proof of its inanity, but now I’m all derailed by what I think are the wrongly transcribed lyrics: “I plunge right on through the office door and into the arms of the bottomless negro of love.” That’s not right, is it?
2. Cotton-Eyed Joe – Rednex
This song signaled the end of my fascination with techno. Full stop.
1. Barbie Girl – Aqua
Even worse than the fact that once I hear this song, I cannot get it out of my head for several hours, is the knowledge that I will one day hear Barbie Girl in a gay bar on their festive Retro ’90s Flashback Night, and the dancefloor will crowd with 25-year olds pumping their fists in not-really-ironic joy.